Ep 233: Writing Gay Porn feat. Dalton King

(00:00)

SARAH: Hey what's up hello, welcome to Sounds Fake but Okay a podcast where an aroace girl, I'm Sarah that's me

KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl, that's me Kayla

DALTON: And I'm a dumb bitch that's me. Dalton King, gay porn writer, extrordinaire baby, let's go

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand

KAYLA: On today's episode: writing porn

SARAH AND KAYLA: Sounds fake but okay

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!

KAYLA: Hello! Last week we were relaxed and this week...

SARAH: We're porntastic

(laughter)

KAYLA: We're porn this time

SARAH: It's porn

KAYLA: (vaguely British accent) It's porn. No wait that makes it you know the bit with the big lumpy knobs it has

SARAH: I know

KAYLA: It has the juice. Yucky

SARAH: ugh. I already want to leave my own podcast and we haven't even begun.

KAYLA: Anyway. 

SARAH: Do we have any housekeeping other than canceling ourselves for saying that?

KAYLA: Buy that book. If you don't want to buy that book after hearing this, then...

SARAH: Truly

KAYLA: What are you doing

SARAH: You know what I'll tell you? The book, we don't talk about – do we talk about porn?

KAYLA: I don't think we do actually. So if you hate this, you'll love the book

SARAH: You'll love the book. soundsfakepod.com/book. Okay. 

KAYLA: Anyway. Moving on.

SARAH: Moving on. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?

KAYLA: This week we have a lovely guest that we've wanted to have on honestly for a very long time but we were waiting for him to mature and ripen as a porn writer

DALTON: Oh yeah, okay. 

KAYLA: We were like we have to wait until he's in that career, he knows what's going on

SARAH: He can't be green, he can't be fresh.

KAYLA: No

SARAH: He's got to know the ins and outs of the porn

DALTON: Well you've got it. 

KAYLA: He's got to be seasoned porn writer. So today that is what we've brought to you.

SARAH: So. Hello, guest. Would you like to give a little introduction to yourself?

DALTON: Was my first one not good enough?

KAYLA: (strangled sounds) No

SARAH: No, it was in fact delightful but just if there's anything you want to add, you know?

DALTON: No, I get that. Hello. My name is Dalton King. It's not my real name, that is a stage name because I'm trying to get into Hollywood as an actual screenwriter and I don't know if people are going to judge me. And by the way, if there is an executive who is somehow listening to this, please hire me.  Please. Thank you so much. 

KAYLA: Please. 

SARAH: Shoot us an email at soundsfakepod@gmail.com and I can connect you

KAYLA: Yeah

DALTON: Yes

KAYLA: We'll be the recruiters

DALTON: I work for next door studios, which I don't think most of your listeners are going to watch or want to watch considering that... y'know

SARAH: You never know. Could be educational. Would you consider what you do educational?

DALTON: Absolutely fucking not

(laughter)

SARAH: This is sex education

DALTON: People are like “oh yeah it’s teaching people about sex”. No it's selling a fantasy, and a very vanilla fantasy if I might add. 

KAYLA: Really? 

SARAH: Truly?

DALTON: I mean it's a lot of straight guys being like "oh my god I'm with my bros and I'm so horny what do I do?"

KAYLA: Wait okay. Because you write gay porn specifically, right?

DALTON: Yes

KAYLA: Well why are there straight men then?

DALTON: Because gay men love the fantasy

KAYLA: Of like turning a straight man?

DALTON: Unfortunately still. Yeah

KAYLA: Oh

DALTON: Or it's like a man, there's a huge thing of like what happens behind closed doors with frat guys and very masculine guys. They like to assume all they do is just get horny and when they can't get chicks they jerk each other off. 

SARAH: Yeah jerk off your bros

DALTON: I'm so sorry to all of the sex-repulsive aroace people out there

KAYLA: Yeah

SARAH: Listen, if anyone is sex-repulsed and you're still listening, I don't know. You should've left so long ago

KAYLA: Yeah I feel like you should've seen the title and been like "you know what? This one is not the one for me"

SARAH: This one's not for me

KAYLA: But yeah I guess

DALTON: Maybe they wanted to be educational

KAYLA: That's true. I mean listen there's a lot of aspec people out there that watch porn

DALTON: That's true

KAYLA: There's a lot of gay aspec people out there, so like maybe they've seen your work before. 

DALTON: That would be very interesting

SARAH: I am sure there are aspec porn actor... what are they called? Performers?

DALTON: So many things. Porn stars, models

SARAH: Pornformers

DALTON: We call them models

SARAH: Okay

(05:00) 

DALTON: Little industry tip.

KAYLA: Ooh

DALTON: Little industry insider moment. 

SARAH: Well. Okay before we get too deep, let's back up and I'm going to ask you the one question I have written down. 

DALTON: Gotcha. Hit me with it. 

SARAH: Pressing question from the gallery: has it been your lifelong dream to write gay porn for a living?

KAYLA: Because honestly that's always been my dream and I'm sitting here wondering like "where have I gone wrong"

SARAH: Specifically Kayla wants to write gay man porn, specifically

DALTON: Gay man porn

KAYLA: Gay man porn, yeah

DALTON: interestingly enough. When I was 5 years old

KAYLA: Um

DALTON: Actually when I just came out of the womb

KAYLA: (laughing) Okay. I thought you were being serious and I was like "huh?"

(laughter)

KAYLA: Why were you 5 and watching porn?

DALTON: Mm. 

(laughter)

KAYLA: Uh oh

SARAH: Let it all out

DALTON: I'm sure someone has at 5 years old but I was like do I want to bring that up on a podcast?

KAYLA: I hope not. Yeah maybe not. 

SARAH: I think if they do they have some other things that have maybe happened to them 

DALTON: Exactly

SARAH: That we should be concerned about and maybe seeing a psychiatrist would help

DALTON: Well my dad's a psychiatrist if you ever need one

SARAH: (laughing) Yeah let me just see your dad. There's no conflict of interest there.  

DALTON: No. But yeah as I was saying when I was 5 years old, I was just so ripe to write gay porn and only gay porn

SARAH: Hold on. Sorry. I understand that psychiatrists... I feel like some people conflate psychiatrist and therapist and they're not necessarily the same thing

DALTON: Yeah. 

SARAH: Does your father have thoughts and opinions from a psychiatric standpoint on...

DALTON: On the industry?

SARAH: On your employment? Does he know about your employment?

DALTON: Yes my father does know about my employment. He thinks it's funny. And is very supportive. 

SARAH: Good

KAYLA: That's nice

DALTON: it's very nice

SARAH: So he's not doing a psychoanalysis of you and everything that he's done wrong in your youth to lead you up to this point

KAYLA: Okay listen you're making porn sound like a really bad thing

SARAH: That's the stereotype though

DALTON: That is the stereotype

SARAH: I'm not saying it's true. 

KAYLA: I mean yeah

SARAH: But that's the stereotype

KAYLA: That's fair. We're not anti-porn. I don't want people to be like wow these people hate porn

SARAH: We're anti-exploitation. 

DALTON: Yes

KAYLA: Yeah I'm anti bad porn. Anyway. 

SARAH: Anyway, I'll let you finish the question I asked like 5 minutes ago now. 

DALTON: Which one was that?

SARAH: Was it your dream?

KAYLA: Is it your dream? Are you living your dreams?

DALTON: Okay actual answer because I didn't know where I was going with that story before now. I've always wanted to be a writer since I was like in elementary school. I wrote a bunch of knock-off stories. I don't know how to describe that. I was really into Warriors the book series and so I wrote my own but it was about dogs and it was just a carbon copy. 

KAYLA: I love that so much

DALTON: No but it's really bad because it's also me going through puberty so there's just a lot of hormones thrown in there

SARAH: Not the hormones

DALTON: So it'll be a really bad story and then randomly they're all having sex

(laughter)

KAYLA: Okay so you did write porn as a child then?

(laughter)

DALTON: I didn't write –

KAYLA: So literally the answer I'm hearing is yes

DALTON: I didn't know. When you're in 6th grade and you have like sex education you don't understand

KAYLA: You were born for this. 

SARAH: Wait so how old were you when you were doing this? This is also just an insight into the allos. 

KAYLA: That's true. 

DALTON: You're so right actually. Let's see. I was definitely in 6th grade. Sixth grade was a big year for me and my allo friends

KAYLA: Interesting

DALTON: Talking about sex and we knew nothing about it. We just talked about it. 

KAYLA: This is so funny to me because I had my literal first crush in 6th grade and the fact that you were so beyond that writing like dog porn

DALTON: No!

(laughter)

KAYLA: But like not in a weird way. In a child way. I was like oh my god first crush for little aspec Kayla and you were like "mm. sex"

SARAH: When I was in 6th grade I finally learned what the word fuck was. I finally learned the word fuck for the first time. 

DALTON: Oh I was cussing full out beginning 4th grade. My dad 

KAYLA: Alright so clearly different lives

DALTON: My dad did not mince his words in front of me at all. He was like fuck, shit. Oh I'm sorry

KAYLA: Honestly king

(laughter)

KAYLA: No we swear, we do a lot of swears. 

SARAH: King? More like Dalton King am I right ladies?

DALTON: (laughing) Oh shit

KAYLA: You know. 

SARAH: This is what happens when we pod with people we know

KAYLA: Yeah upsetting. 

(laughter)

SARAH: Also there's too much ADHD in this room. 

DALTON: That's true. 

(10:00) 

KAYLA: Mm. 

DALTON: I think we all have ADHD right? 

KAYLA: I am undiagnosed

DALTON: Close enough

KAYLA: But it's trending in that direction

(laughter)

KAYLA: Anyway. Fun times with Kayla and her therapist. 

SARAH: Delightful. Wait so sixth grade was when the not dogs were fucking?

(laughter)

DALTON: Yeah. Here's the thing. No one was actually having sex in 6th grade. Everyone was just talking about it. 

SARAH: Yeah

KAYLA: Yeah

DALTON: Which I feel like is very – well maybe it wasn't normal but it felt very normal. It was more like one of those things where you know when you were a kid and you lie to brag, to seem more I don't know? Noteworthy or something? 

SARAH: I was too much of a goody two-shoes to lie, but yes

DALTON: Oh I lied all the time. I used to lie so much. I actually have a wild story that I could tell. It's long but I lied about how I lost my virginity when I was in high school. Not because I wanted to have sex but just because I wanted to tell people I lost my virginity because I was, I was a weird kid. 

KAYLA: Interesting

DALTON: I don't know what to tell you. 

KAYLA: No that's like a common thing. People lie about who they have crushes on because there's just so much pressure

DALTON: yeah but I –

SARAH: Yeah I would just make up crushes

(laughter)

DALTON: (laughing) Are crushes real?

SARAH: I knew this kid has a crush on me so I was like I guess I'll have a crush on him back. 

DALTON: I couldn't do that. I knew there were some girls that had crushes on me and I was just like "oh that's cool I guess"

KAYLA: You're like I'm busy

DALTON: Yeah I got to go play my GameBoy

KAYLA: So true. Okay so if writing porn was not your childhood dream

DALTON: No

KAYLA: How did this journey start for you? If someone is an aspiring porn writer, how do you get into this career?

DALTON: I wish I could give a really straightforward answer. 

KAYLA: Straight? Not on this podcast. 

SARAH: Please

DALTON: A really gayforward answer

(laughter)

KAYLA: Thank you

DALTON: How could I be so stupid and say that incorrectly. But I can't give you like an "if I have no connections what do you do there?" because the thing is I didn't know this was a job that existed until a porn star at Next Door Studios hit on my on Grindr. 

KAYLA: Oh my god

SARAH: For context, me and DK, Dalton King not Donkey Kong

KAYLA: DK! Donkey Kong

SARAH: Have known each other for a couple years now and so when all of this was unfolding I was hearing about it and I was like "this is wild" so just picture me, Sarah

KAYLA: An aroace

SARAH: Hearing these stories. Anyway, continue. 

DALTON: No, it was wild. We were talking and we were saying what we were doing and he told me what he does and I was like "I don't care, that's great" and I was telling him I'm trying to be a writer, and this was like the height of the pandemic too. And he was like "oh no way, we're actually looking for a writer at next door studios" and I was like "What?" and then a year went by because of I guess a lot of bullshit. I don't know the full details of that obviously because I wasn't there. But I had to apply. I had like a 3 or 4 round interview

KAYLA: Dang

DALTON: I had to send in an application, do an email interview, do an in person interview, and then write some samples and apparently I was up against 6 other writers including a couple published novelists. 

SARAH: Hm

DALTON: That's what I was told. And I got the job. Anyway. 

SARAH: Were they smutty novels? Because that's the real kicker. 

DALTON: I have no idea. 

SARAH: You know? 

KAYLA: I think they must be. 

SARAH: But also writing smut and writing porn is not the same thing

DALTON: No

KAYLA: That's true

SARAH: It's a different skill set. 

DALTON: You're very correct. 

SARAH: Anyway

KAYLA: How does one... were these samples you have to send in like porn? I'm assuming they didn't just want a short story

DALTON: No yeah they were porn. They literally – what? 

KAYLA: If you've never written porn before, how do you know how to do that? 

(laughter)

KAYLA: Did you google like how to write porn? I just can't even fathom in my mind

SARAH: Did you just study the craft by watching a lot of porn? 

KAYLA: You were like mm yes, the writing. Taking notes. Deeply analyzing. I just feel like if someone asked me, and of course I'm aspec –

DALTON: Right

KAYLA: – so maybe it would be harder. But if someone asked me okay you have to write a porn, I would be like I don't fucking know dude. I could barely write my book

SARAH: I'm also a super dialogue heavy writer, so when I was trying to explain

(15:00) 

SARAH: What would happen I would be like "well they put the thingy do in the"

(laughter)

KAYLA: Yeah do you ever write that? Is that a line you used before?

DALTON: The thingy do?

SARAH: The thingy do

DALTON: No

KAYLA: You don't say that? You should consider 

DALTON: I really should

KAYLA: And then credit Sarah, please. 

SARAH: I mean earlier I was talking to DK, Dalton King

KAYLA: DK!

SARAH: About this and I suggested the phrase "harder, bestie" for use

KAYLA: Oh no. I'm actually good without that thank you

SARAH: And he said no, which was weird to em

KAYLA: And I'm with him. 

DALTON: No, no, no. Hang on. I keysmashed and then I said no. Very important distinction. 

KAYLA: Yeah that is different. That's true. 

DALTON: All caps keysmash. 

SARAH: Actually the S and the A were lowercase. I'm looking at it right now. 

KAYLA: That's a really important distinction, thank you Sarah. 

SARAH: You're welcome

DALTON: So to answer your question they gave me a sample before of like what they wanted

KAYLA: Oh that's helpful

DALTON: Yeah. And so it was like so weird because it was like we need you to craft two stories. One of them is a college frat bro and a nerd. Location frat house prop –

KAYLA: Oh no

DALTON: Varsity jacket or whatever. You know, frat shirt. And then I had to craft a story basically. And I had to do one for a college nerd and a college frat bro and of course and I'm so sorry for all your viewers that I'm about to say this

SARAH: Viewers? Nothing to see

KAYLA: Nothing to see here

DALTON: Your listeners. Listen 

KAYLA: It's okay I forgive you

DALTON: I just want them to view me you know what I mean? I just want them to see me. 

KAYLA: Okay but you're anonymous they can't

DALTON: No I know

KAYLA: You're secret. You're in hiding

SARAH: DK

DALTON: This cruel world

KAYLA: DK

DALTON: Gave me the name Dalton King and I think it's beautiful. 

KAYLA: They gave it to you? Didn't even get to choose?

DALTON: No I named myself I just meant that the opportunity

KAYLA: Oh okay

SARAH: I remember when you were coming up with names

DALTON: Yes

SARAH: And you were like Dalton King and I was like "I like it"

KAYLA: It is good

DALTON: It's so good. I daresay it's one of the best porn names that's out there. 

SARAH: Fuck it up

KAYLA: You know what? I think so. 

DALTON: I've seen some pretty bad porn names, believe me or not. 

KAYLA: I'm sure you have. 

SARAH: What was the one you told me Christian Mingle but the Chris is just an X?

KAYLA: Oh. Terrible. I hate it. 

SARAH: No offense to Xtian Mingle I'm sure you do great work. 

KAYLA: No, full offense. 

DALTON: Full offense. 

KAYLA: That's awful we can't do that. Absolutely not. 

SARAH: It's a really good drag name too

DALTON: I don't really work with Xtian Mingle that much. I don't really know why, but. 

KAYLA: Tragic. Do you have like models that are always in your stuff?

DALTON: We do. They're called exclusives. 

KAYLA: Ooh. 

DALTON: We have stars that we make them sign a contract where they can only shoot studio porn, or gay studio porn with us. Because we do have a couple that do straight sites and trans sites. A lot of gay performers will also do a lot of trans porn, which is always – I don't like how this is described, but it's always chicks with dicks. That type. It's always that. It's never... there's no name for it

SARAH: Yeah

DALTON: The opposite. 

KAYLA: Yeah that is mmm problematic

DALTON: It very much is. I did not come up with the naming scheme of it

KAYLA: Yeah

DALTON: I don't like it, but that is always how it's referred to. 

SARAH: Yucky

DALTON: Yep. Absolutely. But yes we do have people who get exclusive contracts and they start in a few scenes a month. 

SARAH: Do you write for... like do you ever know ahead of time like "I'm going to have this one so I'm going to write with them in mind"?

DALTON: Yeah so we have a calendar that – I don't know if other porn studios do this but we have a calendar of the list of scenes we're doing each day and who's going to be in each scene and then I'll usually get a chance to look at that and be like "this is who's going to be there" and sometimes if it's someone who's like a good actor I'll be like "oh maybe I can give them a little bit more words" or something. But it's always subject to change because someone could have an STD or someone could break their arm. 

KAYLA: Oh no

DALTON: There's been really wild shit. That's so tame compared to

(20:00) 

DALTON: what some of the reasons are for someone canceling

KAYLA: Yikes

DALTON: Fun stuff. Really fun stuff. 

SARAH: Fun stuff. 

KAYLA: I have a question. 

DALTON: Yes

KAYLA: Do you feel like writing porn from 9-5 or whatever and having to look at sex all the time affects your sex life? And if that's too personal that's fine. 

DALTON: No, no

KAYLA: I'm just curious

DALTON: I'm very much an open book. Yes and no. It's definitely obviously diluted my opinion of porn and how much it can turn me on I guess?

SARAH: Doesn't work as well. 

(laughter)

KAYLA: Because now you're like analyzing the writing

SARAH: Efficacy is low

KAYLA: You're like I would've done this differently

DALTON: Well like when it's very high value I'm like –

SARAH: Exposure therapy. 

DALTON: (laughing) You're right. Exposure therapy. God bless. Anyone who's a porn addict out there, just start writing porn. 

(laughter)

DALTON: That's how you'll get into recovery. No, but it's made like studio porn obviously very less appealing. And in terms of my sex life... I guess a little bit, yeah. I don't know if there's a correlation to it but I have been not as slutty as I used to be. I think my dad has been watching some so sorry to infer 

KAYLA: Listen he's got to know. 

SARAH: It's important. 

KAYLA: Daddy king

DALTON: Absolutely not. 

(laughter)

SARAH: I got to go. I got to get out of here. 

DALTON: I'm quitting right now. 

KAYLA: I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, sir. Mr. King. Sir King. I'm sorry Mr. King. Please don't psychoanalyze me. Actually please do I need some new diagnoses. Anyway. 

SARAH: Anyway. I don't know if you can even speak to this, but I feel like in my mind, as a person who does not consume either of these types of content

DALTON: Sure

SARAH: There's like porn then there's like OnlyFans shit. They're like entirely different realms. 

DALTON: Yeah

SARAH: Like do you agree with that? And has your experience writing porn impacted your view of how other types of Onlyfans, camboy, that sort of stuff, your understanding of that. Has it impacted that? 

DALTON: A little, but not really. The only thing I understand is that it's a lot more profitable to be in an Onlyfans than it is to do studio porn. You do studio porn for notoriety.

SARAH: Mhm

DALTON: To make money on your Onlyfans because studio porn does not pay as much as people – well I don't know what people think it pays, but it doesn't pay a lot. So. 

SARAH: Interesting. 

KAYLA: I mean I feel like I have heard "oh this porn star is on Onlyfans now" People are like fans of certain porn stars and then they can... but I have to imagine, you're not like a porn executive so I don't know if you would know this, but I have to imagine the rise of Onlyfans has kind of diminished the demand for traditional studio porn. Because it feels like you could get other porn – or you could like go on Twitter and just find free porn

SARAH: You can get that shit for free

KAYLA: That's like on Tumblr and Twitter for you for free

DALTON: Oh 100%. The rise of tube sites – that's what places like PornHub and all those places are called – tube sites and Onlyfans has definitely diminished the value of studio porn, but we are still kicking strong. 

KAYLA: So studio porn. How do you buy porn that comes from a studio? Because I was assuming your stuff was going to like a PornHub. So it's not?

DALTON: Oh it does. But not the full video. 

KAYLA: Oh

DALTON: So there are, which I'm sure some of your viewers already know. Listeners, fuck. 

SARAH: It's fine

KAYLA: Dalton!

SARAH: I was just giving you shit

KAYLA: No it's okay. Everyone's looking at you right now. 

DALTON: I'm so scared. 

KAYLA: I'm secretly recording this. 

DALTON: Just going to die right now. 

SARAH: Uh oh not a live death. 

DALTON: (laughing) Hey it would skyrocket listeners. Imagine first death recorded. On a podcast

KAYLA: Uh? Oh my god

SARAH: I don't think it's the first ever. 

KAYLA: Certainly not a first. 

DALTON: That's sad

KAYLA: Anyway. 

DALTON: Let's see. So next door studios, we have a few sites. Technically next door studios is a sub-brand under our conglomerate called Alpha Studio Group, and we have multiple sites under that name that you can pay for and it's like a monthly membership. 

(25:00) 

DALTON: It's like Netflix and all that type of stuff. There's like nextdoorstudios.com, falcon studios, next door taboo, we just launched a new one called Rod's Room

KAYLA: Not Rod

(laughter)

DALTON: I didn't come up with the name

KAYLA: That's fair, I shouldn't bring this on you

DALTON: No it's okay, I get it. But I didn't come up with the name

KAYLA: No you would do a better job

DALTON: You're right. You're so right. Why didn't they consult me for the marketing?

KAYLA: It would be Dalton's room. It would be daltonkingsroom.com

DALTON: I would love that. No please don't. 

KAYLA: (laughing) No one make that. 

DALTON: I don't think I want to own... I've been on set and I would get bored so easily

KAYLA: Yeah

DALTON: The thing is once you've been on set enough... just for all the aces. It's aces right? What's the non allos? 

SARAH: Aspecs

KAYLA: Aspecs

DALTON: Yeah so I just fucked that up. So for all the aspecs out there, when you are on a porn set. I get a lot of people asking me "oh my god isn't it so hot when you're on set?"

KAYLA: Ew probably not

DALTON: Literally no. 

SARAH: It's mechanical

DALTON: It's the least sexiest thing I've ever experienced because it just takes all of the fun and joy of sex kind of out of it when you're just watching it to make content and then... I don't know. It's boring. It's really boring to watch other people have sex. I got to be real honest. 

SARAH: Anyone who's been on a film set knows that it is not as glamorous as it sounds. It is exhausting and boring and you will do a lot of standing around, waiting, and doing nothing

DALTON: Yeah

SARAH: And so then you add the fact that what you're recording is sex into that and it's like, it's not going to be an exciting experience

KAYLA: Especially once you make it like, your job. 

DALTON: Yeah

KAYLA: It does seem so mechanical. You have to direct it right, then you have to do things over or whatever. That's not fun or sexy that's just your jobs. 

SARAH: Are there any like porn auteurs?

KAYLA: Huh? 

SARAH: (laughing) How do you describe auteur to a non-film major? Okay

DALTON: Oh boy

KAYLA: What the fuck is an auteur? 

SARAH: So it's a film maker who's personal influence and control over technique is so great that the film maker is regarded as the author of the movie

DALTON: It's like film makers who have a very specific style

SARAH: Hitchcock, Tarantino, Scorsese

DALTON: Yeah

KAYLA: Like the Grand Budapest guy?

SARAH: Who directed that?

DALTON: I don't know his fucking name

KAYLA: He's like a whimsical little man

DALTON: No, I know who you're talking about but

SARAH: Bob Lerman is one

KAYLA: Who does the Grand Budapest?

SARAH: Wes Anderson

KAYLA: Yeah, he's the little guy. I have no idea what he looks like he just has little guy energy

DALTON: He is a little guy I think. Yeah

KAYLA: Short king. They have short king porn? Is that a genre of porn? I'm so serious right now is there a genre for short 

SARAH: Wes Andersen is 6'1"

KAYLA: Mm. Short king

DALTON: No but he has short king vibes

SARAH: He has short king energy

DALTON: Yeah if you look at him

KAYLA: Okay but is there a porn category for short kings? If not, I think you should be the auteur of that. 

(laughter)

SARAH: You didn't use it right

KAYLA: Is that how that works?

SARAH: No it's okay. Listen some of us have film degrees and some of us don't. It's okay. 

DALTON: Ooh. 

KAYLA: Some of us studied psychology. 

DALTON: Can you psychoanalyze me and why I'm still at this job?

KAYLA: That's your dad's job

DALTON: Let's see. No there's not really a short king

KAYLA: They should get on that

DALTON: Well the thing about that is that could so easily go into fetishization 

KAYLA: Yeah that's fair. That is very fair

DALTON: There's too much of that as is

KAYLA: Yeah. I take it back. I take it back. I don't want that anymore

SARAH: Fuck those guys

KAYLA: Fuck short men

SARAH: But it's porn so

KAYLA: But don't. Fuck everyone. 

DALTON: Non-sexual fuck those guys. 

SARAH AND KAYLA: Yeah

KAYLA: Theoretically. Yeah. 

SARAH: What was the thing that most surprised you?

(30:00) 

SARAH: When you started. Like what was your... I'm going to stop. Sometimes I just continue to ask questions and I have nothing more to add to them but I just feel like I need to keep saying something. I'm going to stop. 

DALTON: The ADHD experience. Oh god what was the thing that was most surprising? Oh god I don't know. Maybe how quickly it gets made for what it is? I told Sarah about this before, but we've been starting to do longer-form content. I write my scripts as actual film scripts. And for those of you who don't know, film scripts they're written in a very specific style. 

SARAH: Interior. Frat house. 

DALTON: Yeah

SARAH: Today. 

(laughter)

DALTON: So true, bestie. 

KAYLA: Sarah could write porn tomorrow

SARAH: Why not today?

DALTON: She could

KAYLA: Because you have things to do today and I know it

SARAH: Oh my god I know I have so much to do. 

DALTON: I feel like for the general public, I don't know how true this is, 20 minutes sitcom is usually 20 something pages of script writing, and they usually take a week sometimes 2 to film those. And we have longer-form content that's like 13 pages and they just take 2 days to film it including the sex and that's it. 

SARAH: Huh.

KAYLA: That sounds exhausting

DALTON: They have a very long day

SARAH: Do you have like standing sets and studios that you use? Because I imagine you're not like, location scouting

DALTON: For the longer-form content we actually have like a rotating few really nice houses that we rent out and then everyone goes on location there. 

SARAH: Mhm. Yeah

DALTON: There's a studio warehouse that we have where we have actual studio sets and they're like painted and stuff

KAYLA: What I know is that there's a building in LA that looks like a castle and that there's events there sometimes. The Stranger Things experience was there, and they used to film porn there. This is a porn fact that I know. 

SARAH: Are you thinking about the Magic Castle? 

(laughter)

KAYLA: Not the Magic Castle. No. 

SARAH: That's secret. You can't get in there. 

KAYLA: That's what you think. No there's... I'll ask. There's a building. Dean went to the Stranger Things experience

SARAH: Hold on let me just look up Stranger Things experience

KAYLA: There's like event spaces in it but apparently they used to rent it out to do porn in a lot

DALTON: Was it in Chadsworth? 

KAYLA: I don't know! Or maybe it was in San Francisco. No, it's in San Francisco. I think maybe it's in the Bay Area not LA. Oh now I sound stupid

DALTON: No I mean the San Fernando Valley used to be the porn capitol of the US

SARAH: And hey. What's changed?

DALTON: Well I think the porn capitol is actually now San Diego

KAYLA: Why?

SARAH: Okay well I'm podcasting from North Hollywood so. 

KAYLA: And Sarah is notably the porn capitol of the world. 

SARAH: We are. It's us. 

DALTON: True

SARAH: Here we are in the valley, the porn capitol of the valley. 

DALTON: Remember there's that one tweet of the guy who's like "you ever notice when you go to North Hollywood the sky just gets darker when you enter and then it's brighter when you leave?"

SARAH: It's all the porn

DALTON: It's all the porn. The porn makes the sky darker. That's so fucked up. 

KAYLA: Yes, okay!

SARAH: It's the pheromone

KAYLA: It's this castle there's this castle

DALTON: oh my god wait! I know that fucking castle

KAYLA: It's called the San Francisco armory

SARAH: Okay well that's not in Los Angeles

KAYLA: No I forgot. And there's a lot of memes about it. Is it false? Am I wrong? 

DALTON: No no no. You are so correct. That is, if you are a gay man

KAYLA: I'm not

DALTON: Or anyone who watches gay porn I guess, that is one of the most well-known images

KAYLA: Yes! I was right

DALTON: Of gay porn

KAYLA: I did it! I knew a gay porn!

(laughter)

DALTON: Congratulations

KAYLA: Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

DALTON: It's like that and there's also a meme about this warehouse. Not a warehouse, a storage closet that's used for this one studio. It's weird. I don't...

KAYLA: Okay so look up, if everyone wants to see it, look up San Francisco armory. lt's just the outside of the building, you're not going to see anything. 

DALTON: No

SARAH: It's literally called the king castle

KAYLA: Not safe for work

DALTON AND KAYLA: Yeah

KAYLA: It's literally just a picture of. So Dean went here for the Stranger Things experience and they were like "lol it's the porn castle"

DALTON: And it is

KAYLA: So did they used to film a lot of porn there? Is that why? 

(35:00) 

DALTON: No it's –

KAYLA: Why is it famous? 

DALTON: There's a few sites that before every video they show the exterior of that building

KAYLA: Oh. Like this is where we are? 

DALTON: Yeah establishing shot

KAYLA: So they just pretend that the room that these people are in is this castle? 

DALTON: I don't work for that studio so I don't know if they actually film in that studio

KAYLA: Okay. So they're just wanting the viewers to think the room the porn is happening in is the castle

DALTON: Yeah it has like a I don't know. There's a weird thing in gay porn of having to feel the masculinity because of course everything is problematic

KAYLA: Yeah

DALTON: And I guess for whatever reason somewhere somehow someone looked at the castle and was like "this will be the epitome of masculinity. This is what we should show in front of"

KAYLA: That is absolutely not true. I don't see castles as masculine

DALTON: No but it's the specific photo

SARAH: It's an armory

DALTON: It's like dim lighting

KAYLA: Oh

DALTON: And moody kind of. I don't fucking know. I'm just theorizing. 

KAYLA: You're just here

SARAH: Like a hard-boiled porn star

DALTON: yes

KAYLA: Huh, what?

SARAH: I don't mean putting a porn star in boiling water. I mean 

KAYLA: In boiling water

DALTON: Hard boiled egg porn star. I think it's beautiful

KAYLA: Dalton, I have a hard hitting question for you

DALTON: Oh my god please give me the hard hitting questions

KAYLA: On a scale of 1 to 10 how problematic is the porn industry?

DALTON: Oh god can I answer this?

KAYLA: If you can't it's fine. 

DALTON: No no. I will say our studio is the best one on how it treats people

KAYLA: That's good

DALTON: By far

SARAH: Tea

DALTON: And I think that's all I can really say about that

KAYLA: That is very fair. You do have a job to keep. That's very fair

DALTON: I do. You know if I lose it

KAYLA: (laughing) You can come back

SARAH: And what? Make money off of this podcast? 

KAYLA: No I'm just saying if he loses his job he could come back and tell us

SARAH: All of the secrets

KAYLA: All the secrets yeah

DALTON: Oh my god I can't wait. It's going to be amazing. 

KAYLA: Do you have a favorite porn? Actually I've asked you this before

DALTON: You did

KAYLA: So I was telling my roommate

SARAH: She did? When did you ask him? 

KAYLA: I don't know it was a while ago

SARAH: I feel like I've chaperoned every interaction you two have ever had

DALTON: You did

KAYLA: No I think you were there

DALTON: You were in the conversation

KAYLA: You were there

(laughter)

KAYLA: So I told my roommates I know someone who writes gay porn, we're going to have him on the podcast and they were very interested in this and they were like "can you ask him what his favorite porn that he wrote is because I want to watch it" and I was like okay? I don't think they've watched it

DALTON: No, also –

KAYLA: They want to watch it together and I was like I don't want any part of that

DALTON: If they want the full thing they're going to have to

KAYLA: They have to pay for it

DALTON: Or just give them a log in

SARAH: What you can't send them the screener?

KAYLA: (laughing) Not the screener

DALTON: No you know what though? Apparently we make DVDs still

KAYLA: Oh my god

DALTON: So I'll send them a DVD

KAYLA: Yeah just mail me the DVD we'll put it in our Xbox

SARAH: It's called an Xbox for a reason

DALTON: (laughing) Oh shit

SARAH: Guys

KAYLA: Okay but what is your favorite porn that you did?

DALTON: Okay I always default to, there's this one it's called "why isn't he into me?" It's one of the first ones I wrote

KAYLA: So true

DALTON: And it's about this gay guy and this straight guy are roommates

SARAH: Oh my god they were roommates 

KAYLA: And they were roommates

DALTON: And the straight guy is like "don't hit on me. As long as you're not hitting on me we can be roommates" and the gay guy's like "I would never hit on you. You're not my type" and the straight guy gets severely offended and he was like "excuse me? You're not into me?" so then he does increasingly stupid things to try to get the gay guy's attention to be like "no I'm going to prove that you think I'm hot and you want to sleep with me" and it escalates so far he's like "you want me to fucking suck your dick? Fine I'll suck your dick" and the gay guy's like "okay fine I guess. It's not going to change anything" and they have sex.

KAYLA: Honestly that's like kind of cute. 

SARAH: It's a little fanfictiony

KAYLA: It's a little enemies to lovers

DALTON: And then in the end after they have sex the straight guy's like "so do you think I'm hot?" and the gay guy's like "well I always thought you were hot"

(laughter)

KAYLA: Wait why do you write good porn? That sounds like a really nice storyline. Why are you good at your job? I wish that wasn't porn so I could like watch it, but I don't want to

(40:00) 

DALTON: We have this new brand called Next Door films for longer form content and I think they're trying to get a safe for work edits of that to release out on YouTube

KAYLA: I want it. I want to watch your safe for work content

DALTON: So I can send it to you. I don't know if it'll be –

SARAH: I want to read one of your scripts

KAYLA: Next episode let’s do a live reading

DALTON: Dude I'm so down

KAYLA: No, no I'm kidding

DALTON: No I can give you an old one

SARAH: I am really curious. I do want to see what it's like

DALTON: It's mostly the same as a regular film script except in between stuff there's little notes for directors' notes and also sometimes I have to write the action. I get this question all the time. Do I write the sex positions? No, but I do write the way they finish which is

SARAH: It's important to the plot

DALTON: (laughing) Exactly

SARAH: (laughing) It impacts the dialogue

DALTON: Exactly. Sometimes people are like "ooh that's so exciting" I'm like no it's not

KAYLA: It's so interesting that you don't get to pick how it starts but they make you decide how it ends

DALTON: I mean I can be like "this person sucks off this person first" or like they make out first then they transition to this

KAYLA: Okay

DALTON: And then sometimes if it's important to the story I'll be like "they have to say these words during the sex" but I'm not like "oh they do missionary then they go to doggy style for 35 seconds then they do a reach around"

SARAH: (laughing) And then at the one minute ten second mark

KAYLA: Yeah you got to get the timer on there. Oh my god that's so funny. 

SARAH: oh. Amazing. You don't have to answer this one, but this is just based off something I know. 

DALTON: Mhm. 

SARAH: (questioning sounds)

KAYLA: (imitates Sarah's questioning sounds)

SARAH: Trying to figure out how best to phrase it. I know personally you have gotten some positive feed back from

DALTON: The comments

SARAH: From commenters. What has been your favorite feedback from commenters?

DALTON: Thank you for bringing this up. I have to bring it up now. 

KAYLA: Do you have a screenshot?

DALTON: It's absolutely probably the funniest comment I will ever get and it is –

SARAH: Kayla, I sent it to you. 

KAYLA: No yeah I remember it. It's my phone screensaver actually

DALTON: Oh this is a different one that's just wild. Some of the porno comments are just insane. Like this one is talking about how this guy got robbed and then at the end he's like "great job guys"

(laughter)

KAYLA: (laughing) Oh my god. It's like those makeup reviews that are like "I got in a car accident and cried a bunch but this mascara stayed on. Goodbye"

DALTON: Okay I'm going to read this to you. Are you ready? 

KAYLA: Yes

SARAH: No but I'm excited

DALTON: Okay. "We're just not used to these levels of accomplishment in our porn. Everybody nailed it but especially Dalton King, screenwriter. The dialogue between Andrew and Brandon – Andrew Miller and Brandon Anderson, two of our exclusives – is boner making hot. A buddy and I watch porn together, don't usually do anything except watch each other jo, but this scene, by the time this actually started, we were helping each other out and getting our dicks wet. Thanks for a hot, hot, hot scene"

SARAH: (laughing) Boner making hot

DALTON: Boner making hot, baby let's go!

KAYLA: I just like... (breaks off into laughter). The fact that they're like "this porn is so good I can't do this by myself. I have to help my friend"

SARAH: I got to jerk off my buddy

KAYLA: It's too hot I can't do it alone

(laughter)

DALTON: Yeah

KAYLA: Were you so happy, were you so validated?

DALTON: A little bit. I was like –

KAYLA: You made it

DALTON: I'm sorry no other comment that I get in this career

KAYLA: Nothing

DALTON: Or the next one or the next one after that

KAYLA: Nothing

DALTON: Nothing will compare to being called – 

KAYLA: You could win an oscar

DALTON: Boner making hot. Yeah it won't compare. 

SARAH: Mm mm. 

DALTON: The Oscars? Never heard of them. 

SARAH: (laughing) Nothing short of an EGOT. 

KAYLA: If you win a major award like that and do a TV speech, will you promise to mention this review, this comment? 

DALTON: Absolutely. I thought you were going to say podcast. I'd absolutely shout out this podcast also. 

KAYLA: Oh well yeah also that obviously. 

SARAH: Would they let you say boner making hot depending on what it was being aired on? 

KAYLA: No. No, what? 

DALTON: Yeah I think they would. It's not a slur. It's also not a curse word

SARAH: I think it might be okay. I think boner would be okay. 

KAYLA: You should be like "and winning this Oscar has been boner making hot" wink, and then you walk off stage. 

SARAH: Thanks to the Academy!

DALTON: They would never nominate me again. I mean I guess I wouldn't care 

KAYLA: Then you know what? 

(45:00) 

DALTON: Because I already one

KAYLA: That's worth it

DALTON: Yeah actually so right. I should just say that, walk off, and then someone at the after party will be like "what did you mean by that?" and I'll be like "I can't elaborate I'm so sorry"

KAYLA: You can point them to this podcast episode right here. I think the next time you go on a date you should be like "thanks this has been boner making" and then give them a firm handshake and walk away

DALTON: Oh my god me on a date? hasn't happened in a while

KAYLA: Well I bet if you started saying boner making hot

DALTON: You're actually so right I need to start saying that I'm boner making hot

KAYLA: Dating advice from Kayla. 

SARAH: Open all of your conversations with "Hey, you know what's boner making hot? My writing as Dalton King, screenwriter"

KAYLA: Would you tell someone on a dating app that you're a porn writer?

DALTON: I do it all the time. I have no shame in it. The only reason I'm not public about it or at least showing my face is I'm afraid Hollywood will be like "oh he just writes porn he can't write anything good" and then I'll be out of a job

KAYLA: Yeah that's fair. Okay but clearly you did write something good. 

ALL: It was boner making hot

DALTON: Excuse me we just got nominated for a bunch of fleshbot awards and I have to assume –

KAYLA: Ooh

DALTON: it's big. Oh I need to tell everyone because everyone always says "oh do you have the pornies?" No. They're called the grabbies. 

(laughter)

KAYLA: (laughing) Oh it's worse. Wait so could you get nominated for like a writing award?

DALTON: There's one writing award

KAYLA: They should have more

DALTON: For best screenplay and it's at the grabbies

SARAH: Better grab that award

DALTON: But they hate our studio

SARAH: Oh no

DALTON: So we will never get nominated.

KAYLA: No but you need to get nominated. 

DALTON: I would like to. It'd be really funny. I know I'm supposed to be like I'd be so honored to get this award

KAYLA: No

DALTON: No it'd be funny

KAYLA: Do you get a physical award?

DALTON: Yeah

KAYLA: Imagine having on your shelf for the rest of your life a grabby

DALTON: Oh I'm getting a DVD. So we have these awards called the gayvns, which are the gay porn oscars and in order to be nominated for a specific category there's some specific requirements, so my boss had to string together 3 of our long form releases into a DVD, and I'm getting a DVD so it's mailed to me

KAYLA: You have to frame it

DALTON: Exactly. I'm going to have it on my shelf

SARAH: Place of honor

DALTON: Or on my wall or something and it's going to have written by Dalton King 

KAYLA: You have to

DALTON: And I'm going to be like god bless

KAYLA: You have to 

SARAH: If you win a Grabby do you win a statue? What's the statue?

KAYLA: Is it just a hand going like grabby grabby

SARAH: Is it just a dildo?

DALTON: I don't know let me look it up

KAYLA: I hope it's just a squishy boob that you can grab. 

DALTON: Mm that might be Xavns

KAYLA: Class I should've known that

SARAH: Yeah come on Kayla

KAYLA: How stupid of me to say that what an idiot oh my god. I'm embarrassed

DALTON: I don't know what the trophies are. I haven't gotten one yet. 

KAYLA: Justice for Dalton King, dude. I can't believe this. 

DALTON: Thank you. I deserve all the awards.

KAYLA: I will not rest until you get a porn award. 

DALTON: Let's see the gayvns are two men having sex, so. 

KAYLA: Love. Love that. 

SARAH: Okay

DALTON: Just imagine the oscars but two of them wrapped around each other

SARAH: Okay now I need to see it

KAYLA: Honestly romance. 

DALTON: gayvn award trophy and then images, but don't scroll too far down obviously. 

SARAH: Wait how do you spell it?

DALTON: It's G-A-Y-V-N

KAYLA: Yeah those are some Oscars fucking

DALTON: They're literally just the Oscars fucking and I think that's really cute

KAYLA: I love that for them

DALTON: The Xavn is just a gold X

KAYLA: That is stupid

DALTON: And I don't know what the fleshbot is

KAYLA: The flesh butt?

DALTON: The flesh bot.

KAYLA: Oh. 

DALTON: I don't think that's any better actually

SARAH: Most butts are fleshy.

DALTON: So true. 

KAYLA: You know what? That's so true. Thank you for saying that. Oh it's a dick. 

SARAH: Is it?

KAYLA: The fleshbot award is this silver – it's just a dick. 

SARAH: (gasping) I love it

DALTON: Oh look at that

KAYLA: Unless these are just some men holding a very shiny dick

DALTON: Which you know in this industry, you never know

KAYLA: Who among us

DALTON: I think it's changed from year to year actually

KAYLA: Wow. They should make it a dick every year because it's funny

DALTON: You're absolutely correct

(50:00) 

KAYLA: Dicks are funny

DALTON: They're so funny

SARAH: Dicks are scary

KAYLA: Do you ever see a dick when you're watching them make porn and you're like "that looks so silly"?

DALTON: No

KAYLA: Oh

DALTON: Only because when I'm on set I'm not even looking

KAYLA: You know what that's fair. That would be weird if you were like "show me that dick"

DALTON: I mean if you're the director you have to be like "show me that dick"

KAYLA: Yes

DALTON: But I get so bored. I'm sorry. And if anyone at work is listening I'm sorry, but I'm not actually that sorry because –

KAYLA: Listen his job is to write not to watch

DALTON: yes. Thank you. Exactly. I don't think anyone's going to watch – listen, fuck

KAYLA: Yeah certainly no one's going to watch it. Certainly not. 

DALTON: I don't think anyone from work's going to listen to this. 

KAYLA: I'm going to email this to the CEO next whatever. I don't even remember what your company's called

DALTON: I think the CEO's straight

KAYLA: It's a straight man?

DALTON: Yeah, yeah

KAYLA: Mm, I don't know how I feel about that

DALTON: Ah you can feel any way you want it's the truth

KAYLA: Well

SARAH: Anyway

KAYLA: Is there anything else? I feel like we've covered a lot today

DALTON: Yeah

SARAH: Did it makes sense? Did it tell a narrative story? I don't know, but does porn tell a narrative story. When Dalton King writes it, yes. 

KAYLA: Yes it does. Yes it does.

DALTON: I was going to say if your viewers, if any of them – I don't know why they would – listeners god I'm never going to get that right. 

KAYLA: It's okay. Just give up. 

DALTON: If any of your listeners have any questions for me, if you guys are down for it I'd be happy to answer them. People have questions all the time when they meet me. I'm actually a little suspicious if someone isn't interested in the job that I have because it's like –

KAYLA: No it's so interesting

DALTON: Right? If I tell someone and they're like "oh whatever" I'm like "okay fuck you too I guess"

KAYLA: Maybe we should make the poll this week like do you have any questions? For porn writer Dalton King

SARAH: (whispering) Dalton King

KAYLA: And then we can send some to you 

DALTON: Sure

KAYLA: You can give us the hot answers

DALTON: I would love that

SARAH: The spicy

KAYLA: The hot Q&A with Dalton King

SARAH: Dalton King comma screenwriter

KAYLA: Comma porn

SARAH: Boner making hot

DALTON: Boner making hot baby

KAYLA: Yeah King, boner maker

(laughter)

SARAH: Okay

DALTON: I mean technically

KAYLA: I mean, it's the job. What you going to do?

SARAH: I'm picturing someone with clay literally building a boner

KAYLA: Mm

DALTON: That's very aspec of you.

SARAH: Maybe it's the trophy for the awards

KAYLA: Who's to say?

DALTON: You know, to be fair, they do have – what's it called? ADHD brain blanking – molds of porn stars' dicks. 

KAYLA: Mm. 

DALTON: And they will have to stay hard for like 6 hours and cake their dicks in a plaster. Oh my god yeah

SARAH: How do you – okay

KAYLA: So do they sell that as like a dildo?

DALTON: Yeah

KAYLA: Woah

DALTON: I can also tell you how pornstars get hard on set. You might be a little scarred. 

SARAH: Wait, hold on

KAYLA: Is it drugs? 

DALTON: Yes. 

KAYLA: Yeah

DALTON: But it's not just like Viagra it's like a very specific drug called Trimex that they inject

KAYLA: (gasps)

DALTON: In the face

KAYLA: Ugh you can't do that

(laughter)

KAYLA: You can't. You shan't

SARAH: (quietly) Oh my god. I can't believe we got this far into the podcast

KAYLA: And we just – how is that not what we're opening with

SARAH: I know

DALTON: (laughing) Just move it around. It's fine. You know how they have the little teasers?

KAYLA: (laughing) Yeah. It's times like this that I'm glad I don't have a penis. 

SARAH: I'm glad I don't have a penis every day. 

KAYLA: But don't you want to stand to pee? 

SARAH: Not worth it. 

KAYLA: Oh. I want to stand to pee. 

SARAH: Do they make vagina molds? It's a little harder

DALTON: yes

SARAH: Huh. Good

DALTON: I don't know how they –

KAYLA: How do they keep the vagina hard for 6 hours?

(laughter)

DALTON: I wouldn't have any experience in that

KAYLA: (laughing) That's fair. You're like "I don't know"

SARAH: Wow. Okay. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah. 

SARAH: Okay here's a question that, again, you don't have to answer. 

DALTON: Honestly I need you to give me anything. Nothing is too much. 

(55:00) 

SARAH: I don't know what your porn watching habits were

DALTON: There we go

SARAH: Before this

(laughter)

KAYLA: (laughing) There we go. He says i've been waiting for this one

SARAH: But have they been impacted? I know you said the efficacy of porn is lower but 

(laughter)

DALTON: Supply and demand. Yeah I definitely watch it less now. 

KAYLA: Are you able to watch porn from your own studio or is it too much "ugh I know these people, these are my co-workers"

DALTON: It's not that I don't know them it's just as someone who's allo obviously there are people that I'm attracted to

SARAH: Can't relate

DALTON: And don't mind

KAYLA: (laughing) Don't mind

(laughter)

DALTON: You know what I mean! Goddammit

KAYLA: (laughing) I guess I don't mind him I don't know

SARAH: Like if we were the last two people on Earth 

KAYLA: I guess

SARAH: I guess I would have gay sex with him

DALTON: This is where I find out I'm very sexual. Like I don't mind, I don't really like it. No. There are people I like but it's more like I'm in the process, so seeing the finished product I can't enjoy it as if I was removed from it. Also I feel like it's very narcissistic if I was like "ooh yeah got to jerk off to my own porn"

KAYLA: That would be so – I will be honest that would be very bizarre. 

DALTON: Look at this hot scenario. Oh that's the other thing I should say this, because I know people are going to ask. I do not use my own fantasies in my writing. I'm too tired for that. 

KAYLA: (laughing) That's the reason

DALTON: I'm too tired

KAYLA: That's the reason, he's too tired

DALTON: And I want my fantasies to stay my fantasies, I don't need them to become reality

SARAH: You know what, that makes sense. 

KAYLA: There's some stuff you just have to keep for you and not for work

SARAH: It's better in your head. I like how you're bringing up all these things that we, as aspecs, don't even think to ask. 

KAYLA: We weren't even thinking about these things

DALTON: I can continue, I just don't know how long you want this podcast to be. 

SARAH: Who cares?

KAYLA: Years

DALTON: A millenia. I think that would be beautiful. Alright, I'll get some of the most asked questions out of the way. 

KAYLA: Yes. 

DALTON: Do I have sex with the porn stars? I do not kiss and tell. I think that's the only big question I can think of. There's definitely more. No because I get asked – obviously everyone gets very sexual because most of the people I meet are gay men at gay bars and stuff so they'll be like "oh my god isn't it hot" and no, it's not. I'm so sorry to shatter the fantasy. Making gay porn is not sexy, to me at least. I'm sure there is someone out there who loves making gay porn, and is very into it

SARAH: It's their passion

DALTON: As a pursuit. 

SARAH: I mean it's a job. Anything that's a job becomes a job. Even if you loved it to begin with. 

DALTON: Yeah

SARAH: Even if you love it in theory or in sometimes it's still a job

DALTON: I mean, we're selling a fantasy. I have to cater to a very specific audience and sometimes when I put too much character into it, it's like "well this won't really sell so I have to dial it back" so I have to sell to a very particular audience. Because like gay porn studios, each one has almost a designated brand within the gay community. Helix for example is if you want to go for young, college-aged twinks you go to Helix

SARAH: Mhm

DALTON: You go for like jocks and the boy next door type, you go to Next Door Studios, amazing

SARAH: Mhm

DALTON: Groundbreaking

SARAH: Crazy. 

DALTON: I guess there's others. We have Falcon studios, that's like one of the oldest gay porn studios out there, you go there for more masculine, muscular guys, I think. 

KAYLA: (laughing) I think

SARAH: I wouldn't know

DALTON: Why would you? If you knew, I would be shocked and impressed. There's like Peter Fever which is specifically for Asian men in gay porn because of course the one thing that you know about this industry is it's incredibly racist. What I will say is we have to kind of cater to audiences, and a lot of the time racism jumps out in the audience when it comes to porn. And that's all I can really say about that. 

SARAH: Yeah. Makes sense. 

KAYLA: Makes sense. That makes sense. 

DALTON: So that's why there's designated sites like Peter Fever so non-white performers have an actual chance of porn stardom and can actual get equal pay and everything. Not equal pay. Our studio, equal pay always. 

(1:00:00) 

KAYLA: Mm. 

DALTON: I need to very much put that out there. There's no discrimination at our studio, but you know. 

SARAH: Can't speak for everyone else

KAYLA: Yep. Uh huh. 

DALTON: I cannot speak for everyone else I have not been at any other studios, I'm sure some of them are lovely and some of them are not. 

KAYLA: Just like any other place

SARAH: (laughing) Weird. Crazy how that works. 

KAYLA: Who would have thought? 

SARAH: Is there anything that you, not like fantasies that you're too tired to write, but is there anything that you wish you could write, but you can't because it doesn't match the audience expectations? 

DALTON: Oh definitely. I can't think of specific examples right now, but I know tons of times I've pitched an idea and it's been shut down. A lot of time it is also due to budgeting constraints, and I can't do a comedy script because sometimes some of the models don't have great comedic timing

SARAH: Mhm

DALTON: And it's not their fault

SARAH: Yeah, it's not what they're trained for. 

DALTON: Exactly. They're not trained to be the best actors in the world. They're trained to fuck really good. 

SARAH: And that they do

DALTON: And they certainly do

(laughter)

KAYLA: And for that we love them

DALTON: They provide a service and I think it's a beautiful service and I support it

SARAH: (laughing) But it's boring when you're on set

DALTON: Listen, I'm so – I will not apologize, okay?

SARAH: And I don't think you should. 

DALTON: Thank you

KAYLA: Listen, everyone's job is boring most of the time. I feel like it's okay to say that

DALTON: Well I hope that the career I want in the future will not be boring most of the time because if it is, I might lose my mind. 

KAYLA: Yeah that's fair, I guess

DALTON: Sometimes when I write a script I'm not particularly interested in, I sit there. I have ADHD and I'm not medicated for it

KAYLA: Love

DALTON: (laughing) Well full prerequisites there, warning or whatever. Sometimes I'll just sit there at the computer screen like I can't do this right now

KAYLA: Yeah. What is your speed? Like how fast are your turnarounds? Like how many scripts are you writing a month? 

DALTON: Ooh. Let me take a look at my calendar, actually. 

KAYLA: Yeah, pull up that work calendar

SARAH: Receipts

DALTON: On the work calendar. So for this month, I will be writing one, two, three, four five –

KAYLA: That's a lot!

DALTON: six, like ten. 

KAYLA: That seems like a lot

SARAH: How long are they on average?

DALTON: 10, and on average at least 7-8 of them are 6 pages or less and I usually get one a month that's like 13 pages

KAYLA: Seems like a lot of writing. 

DALTON: So I'm doing a lot of writing. I also write the PR for our studio. So I do all the PR. 

KAYLA: Ooh. 

DALTON: And sometimes some of the descriptions – I do all the descriptions myself, actually. 

SARAH: (laughing) Yeah, the logline, if we're going to use more film terms

DALTON: The logline, no. It's not like a logline though it's just more like wow oh my god this star and this star is so hot, watch as they have amazing sex!

SARAH: They're going to fuck, and that's what you're paying for

DALTON: Exactly. 

KAYLA: I love that for you

DALTON: Thank you. Thank you so much. 

SARAH: The first time that you were on set, was it like a culture shock or were you just like "yeah this is what I expect"

DALTON: It was a lot of fun, actually. I had never even been on a film set before because even though I went to film school, I went to Berkeley. Shoutout to all my Bears who are listening

KAYLA: Yes

SARAH: The Berkeley kind? 

KAYLA: Yeah which kind? 

DALTON: Both of the kinds maybe, let's go. We all suffered the same way in college so. Berkeley really was hell. I don't remember what I was saying

SARAH: You didn't have a lot of set experience

DALTON: Thank you. Yeah I didn't have any set experience because there weren't a lot of production classes at Berkeley. So going on set was really cool, and it was also the first time I ever saw something that I wrote getting filmed

SARAH: Mm, yeah

DALTON: And getting brung? brought to life. I don't do words good. So it was really exciting. And it was also – which one was it? The one that I got to see for the first time, it was this script called "Love is Pain: the closeted bro", which is a series. Sometimes we write series

(1:05:00)

DALTON: So they're not just one offs and we have one called "love is pain" that's essentially Sex and the City

KAYLA: (laughing) Oh my god

DALTON: But it's about a gay porn star in LA trying to find love rather than –

KAYLA: Wait that's so funny

DALTON: Sarah Jessica Parker having sex in the city

SARAH: See when you said it's called "Love is Pain" I was like that's some BDSM shit, that's some kink shit. 

DALTON: No a lot of our viewers really don't like BDSM stuff actually

SARAH: Interesting

KAYLA: Huh. 

DALTON: But yeah. Although now I'm becoming what's her name? Sarah Jessica Parker because I'm becoming – I know on your little thing it says shout this out later, but I'm going to do it now. Breaking norms. 

SARAH: Do it

DALTON: I have a column that's going to be coming out soon on this place called CyberSocket that's literally just me talking about my life as a gay porn writer in Los Angeles. It's called Confessions of a Gay Porn Writer

KAYLA: Wait, I want to read it

DALTON: Well it's not out yet, but it's coming out biweekly. 

KAYLA: I will read it. It reminds me of the podcast. Isn't there a podcast like "my dad wrote porn" or something? 

DALTON AND SARAH: My dad wrote a porno. Yeah. 

KAYLA: Yeah. That's going to be your child someday. 

SARAH: Hm. 

DALTON: I don't know if I'm going to have a child specifically so they don't have to endure the pain, if I become very successful and out myself as Dalton King

KAYLA: That's fair. Maybe you'll have

DALTON: and they'll have to know

KAYLA: Maybe like a neice or nephew that'll be like "my uncle"

DALTON: I don't have a sibling

KAYLA: Alright, you know what? It'll be me then. It'll be "my friend that I know through Sarah"

DALTON: Yes!

KAYLA: Wrote a porno. My mutual friend wrote a porno. 

SARAH: What was the name that your friend suggested about–  between a cock and a hard place? 

DALTON: Oh, I wish I could use that so badly. 

KAYLA: Why can't you? What's stopping you?

DALTON: Because I brought it to the people at Cybersocket and they were like "well we don't really know what you're writing about then"

KAYLA: Oh that's – you should write a porn that's called that then at lesat. 

DALTON: I almost want to save it for something better than a porn though

KAYLA: For your memoir?

(laughter)

DALTON: Confessions of a Gay Porn Writer: Between a Cock and a hard place

KAYLA: Honestly

DALTON: by Dalton King

KAYLA: That would sell. 

DALTON: I'm sure it would

KAYLA: To me at least. I would buy it. 

DALTON: Well, I don't know. Maybe once you guys become wildly successful aufor - authors

KAYLA: Yeah

SARAH: Au-feurs

KAYLA: Auteurs

SARAH: Auteurs. I'm anti-auteur

DALTON: Listen, sometimes when I talk 

(laughter)

SARAH: I don't like auteurs

KAYLA: Wow, you tell them. 

DALTON: hot take. I agree. Because a lot of time auteurs are fucking full of themselves

SARAH: There's no one to kneecap them. There's no one to say "this fucking sucks"

DALTON: Yeah. They're like "oh my god I'm making beautiful art" and it's like no, no you're not Charlie Kaufman. I don't know why I chose him specifically I just didn't like his fast movie. 

KAYLA: Damn, call him out. 

DALTON: Who cares? One angry Charlie Kaufman listener is going to be like "I can't believe he would do this"

KAYLA: Never listening to this podcast again

DALTON: How the fuck dare he? This gay porn writer? This gay porn little bitch

(laughter)

KAYLA: Oh my god

SARAH: I'm going to be honest, I just had to look up who that was, so

DALTON: He made like Synecdoche or something

SARAH: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Being John Malkovich, all movies I've never seen. No I have seen at least part of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

DALTON: He made this movie called I'm thinking of ending things, or something

SARAH: Yeah

DALTON: And it looked good and then it was really bad

SARAH: Oh

DALTON: And then people were like "no this is good" and I'm like well you're wrong

SARAH: Well you're wrong. 

DALTON: I just didn't like it. Also the main female character doesn't actually have a name. She's just referred to as a woman. 

SARAH: The only person who can do that is Phoebe Waller-Bridge

DALTON: So true. 

KAYLA: So true

SARAH: Anyway, this has been film corner

DALTON: Yeah

KAYLA: I hated it, thanks. 

SARAH: You're welcome. Any other final, pressing questions that you were asked constantly? Any statements you'd like to make?

DALTON: Any statements I'd like to make, ooh. That's a good thing. 

SARAH: As the PR representative of Next Door Studios

KAYLA: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah .

DALTON: Oh fuck right I am. Don't buy porn everyone. Go celibate. Put those dicks away. 

(laughter)

KAYLA: Put those dicks away

DALTON: Put them away. Get them out of sight. 

SARAH: That's how I feel about them. I don't want them in my sight. 

(1:10:00) 

DALTON: Yeah I'll say one thing. Please do not ever sent hate or judgment or anything toward any of the porn stars. A lot of them are very lovely people. And a lot of them have gone through a lot of hardship

SARAH: They're just doing their job

DALTON: to be able to fuck for your pleasure

KAYLA: True

DALTON: So the least you can do is be nice to them. And if you comment on their bodies online 

SARAH: Oh my god

DALTON: On the comments section, I will absolutely come to your house and fight you because that is fucked up! They are literally trying their best, and you do not own them. I get a little heated about this, but there are commenters that think because they're paying money to see these people they are allowed to dictate how they want these people to look. They are still humans. Please treat them as such. 

SARAH: You're just a rando with a keyboard. Like, come on. You're just a rando with a keyboard jerking off to this person doing wonderful work, and you're complaining about it?

DALTON: Literally. So that's what I say. Be nice to the porn stars. Be nice to OnlyFans stars they deserve it. 

KAYLA: True. I mean even if you don't like porn, and I can say this because I don't work in the porn industry, as not great as the porn industry is at some points

DALTON: I don't give a shit

KAYLA: We need to respect sex workers and people who work in the sex industry. Even if it's not for you and even if it's not great at times, these are people and that is their jobs, and it's a huge industry, and they should be making more money, and we got to respect it. 

DALTON: The people in front of the camera are the ones that get hurt the most in the industry, so I understand if people don't support it. I completely understand. It's definitely gotten better since the past because in the past it used to be a lot worse, obviously. So I understand not supporting it, but plesae don't be mad at the porn stars. They're doing good work. 

KAYLA: They're not the ones making any decisions about how porn is made

DALTON: no they're not

KAYLA: Or what the industry is like. They're just the people working. 

DALTON: Exactly. 

SARAH: They're just doing their jobs. 

KAYLA: So true

DALTON: Exactly

KAYLA: King comma Dalton

SARAH: comma screenwriter

KAYLA: Comma screenwriter comma boner maker

DALTON: Boner making hot, baby. Don't get it wrong

KAYLA: Boner making hot

SARAH: I would like to end on a billboard I saw in Los Angeles

KAYLA: Oh

SARAH: It just popped up just a few days ago

DALTON: Was it the coochie one? The coochie wax

SARAH: No. Oh no there was a waxing place that was just called Coochie

KAYLA: Cooch

SARAH: Or no Cooch it was called cooch

KAYLA: Oh yeah I did see the picture

SARAH: I passed by and I said "well, they're honest"

KAYLA: Everyone needs to know

SARAH: They're honest about what they do. No this is a billboard that says "Kazumi plesae notice me, P.S. your OnlyFans is the best"

KAYLA: Oh

SARAH: And then it has two photos of this girl and I wanted to know if the girl was Kazumi or this person was trying to get the attention of Kazumi with their face. I did see a couple things when I looked this up, but I found out that the girl is Kazumi. So they said "Kazumi please notice me, P.S. your OnlyFans is the best", but gave them no means of contacting them. 

KAYLA: You know that must be Kazumi who made that billboard, right? Like that is absolutely self promotion, right? 

SARAH: That would be good work

DALTON: I wouldn't put it past a man to do something like that though

KAYLA: Oh no that's true men are very stupid, derogatory

SARAH: Yeah

DALTON: And they do a lot, they'll put in a lot of stuff for OnlyFans people

KAYLA: Then I'm hoping that it was self promo, then. That is my hope. 

SARAH: It has the emoji that's just like the (groaning sound) nngh

KAYLA: Oh no

SARAH: I know you can't see me

KAYLA: The one that's always accompanied by like the squirting. 

SARAH: Well the other emoji is the water drops

KAYLA: Yeah

DALTON: Isn't it the one with the face that – the squirting

KAYLA: Listen it's always that face that's like (groaning sound) nngh

DALTON: I do, I've never heard it described with that noise

KAYLA: The squirting

SARAH: The squirting

(laughter)

KAYLA: Oh no

SARAH: On that note

KAYLA: Yeah anyway

SARAH: Dalton King DK, you already mentioned it, but tell us again the name of your upcoming...

DALTON: Oh, yes. I have an upcoming column, a biweekly column it's called "confessions of a gay porn writer". It's about my experiences being a gay porn writer in Los Angeles, so that's on cybersocket.com. I'll have a release date soon, so you can go check it out. I have an interview with them soon that you can read stuff that I talk about the gay porn. You already heard a lot of it, but there will be other stuff. 

SARAH: They'll probably know what questions to ask. 

KAYLA: (laughing) Yeah. 

DALTON: Oh my god I forgot to say one thing. 

(1:15:00) 

DALTON: Fuck

KAYLA: Say it, say it, say it

DALTON: Oh my god you might have to edit this. This is literally in the intro. There's a banned list of words that we can't write in our scripts and one of them is horse

KAYLA: Why?

DALTON: (laughing) You can't say the word horse

SARAH: You can't say horse?

DALTON: If you say horse or anything related to horse, the video will get – the banks and credit card companies will come for the site that posted it and say "you shut this down or we stop letting you see porn"

KAYLA: Why?

DALTON: Because the banks and credit card companies are trying to crack down on the sex work industry, and they are making the requirements for consenting work a lot higher than they used to be, or stronger, I think that's probably the word. Stronger. 

SARAH: More strict

DALTON: Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but some of the requirements are very confusing. So you know, you can't say the word horse.. 

SARAH: But what if you're a horse girl and you want to be like "I just came from horseback riding"

KAYLA: Wait so if you're not allowed to say anything like referring to horses either could you not talk about cowgirl or reverse cowgirl? Is that too close to horse?

DALTON: You can say cowboy and cowgirl. You can't say horse though. 

SARAH: What about pony?

DALTON: You can't say horse girl

SARAH: What about miniature pony?

DALTON: No

KAYLA: Is it because –

DALTON: That's like questionable. 

KAYLA: The only thing I can think of that's related is saying someone is hung like a horse. Like that's the only sexual thing about horses that I can even think of

SARAH: What about centaur?

(laughter)

KAYLA: That's only half horse

SARAH: Do centaurs have two dicks?

KAYLA: Don't do this. You’re not doing this to me. 

DALTON: No, we're not doing it. Also they don't. 

SARAH: No they don't have two dicks. Glad that's taken care of

DALTON: Where would the second one go?

KAYLA: It can't

SARAH: Yeah I don't know

KAYLA: Just out front. 

(laughter)

SARAH: Ew. My worst nightmare. 

DALTON: A disgusting image

KAYLA: Awful

DALTON: You can't say horse, there are some things that you can't say. A lot of them are good. You can't say teen, you can't say preteen

KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair. That's good. 

DALTON: I like that. 

KAYLA: That's great, actually

DALTON: I'm personally happy about that, but you can't say like coerced or furious – not furious, you can say furious. You can't say like brute force, attack, violent, you can't say like – god there's one that was really funny. I already forgot it. There's like a whole list of ones that are definitely off topic – you can't also make any references to beateality, anyone being drunk. Everyone has to be – in the video, you can't even have a character pretend to be drunk. They have to be stone-cold sober. 

KAYLA: I mean this all makes sense to me except for the horse. Like this all I see the reason, but where's the horse? 

DALTON: I got to find the word list, because some of them are so fucking funny. You can't say bro. You can't put bro in the title. 

KAYLA: But that's like your whole thing

DALTON: I know but like

SARAH: You can't just fuck your bros?

DALTON: You can't. 

KAYLA: You can't fuck your bros

DALTON: Okay we have this animated project that's supposed to come out at some point, I don't know the details of when it's coming out, but it was supposed to be called "fuck force" because it's an animated superhero parody

KAYLA: Oh my god

DALTON: I wrote all of it by the way

KAYLA: Hell yeah

DALTON: Well I wrote all the non-sex parts. Someone else wrote the sex parts. But it was supposed to be called "Fuck Force" it was great, it was beautiful. We can't use the name because the word force is not allowed. 

SARAH: (laughing) So fuck is fine, but force

DALTON: So you can't use fuck force, so we had to settle on Sodomy Squad, which is beautiful so alright

(laughter)

KAYLA: Honestly that's very good though, that's very good

SARAH: Slightly different vibes but also excellent

DALTON: Yeah. But like we couldn't do "chillin' with your bro" or something, but you can't do that because bro in the title, they might be like "oh that's referring to your actual real, blood"

KAYLA: Oh

DALTON: "blood like brother" and it's like well obviously in this it's not, and it's like no it doesn't matter. 

KAYLA: Kay. 

DALTON: I think the implication behind banning horse is they don't want any reference at all to beasteality

KAYLA: Okay

DALTON: And they're just banning animals

(laughter)

KAYLA: I guess that's fair

SARAH: (laughing) What about turtle, huh?

DALTON: You know I haven't tried it. I'm not going to try to ask

SARAH: What about rhinoceros? 

(laughter)

DALTON: My next porno is just some guy reading out a list of words

(laughter)

KAYLA: Mm, sexy

SARAH: Reading the dictionary

(1:20:00) 

SARAH: And then someone comes in and is like "hey want to fuck my non-sibling"

KAYLA: My non-blood related bro

DALTON: That's the other thing. I don't know how much you want to get into this because I personally don't love it, but with all of the taboo stuff, there's a huge market for it, like the step-family stuff, but – you wouldn't know because why would you – but to make sure that can receive money you have to make sure to reference the characters are step-brothers or step-whatevers at least 3 times before any sex happens

SARAH: Before the sex happens? 

DALTON: Do less than that, it gets canceled

KAYLA: That's so specific

DALTON: If you do two at the beginning and one afterwards, can't do that

KAYLA: That's so specific

DALTON: At least 3 times before. you have to make reference to it constantly

SARAH: So you walk in and you're like "hey my step-brother Joseph, how are you doing step brother Joseph"

DALTON: It's funny because it's literally the opposite of what they taught us to do at film school

SARAH: Yeah. Exposition

DALTON: Like walks in a room like "hey sis we haven't seen each other in 5 years since our mom dies" but no I have to be like "hey step-brother, our parents are out of town this weekend, what do we do?"

(laughter)

KAYLA: Oh my god

DALTON: So, you know

KAYLA: The more you know. 

DALTON: Yeah. Oh, I was going to say. To go back to – ADHD brain – to go back to the outro, any viewers if you have questions for me or anything of the sort, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonKingxxx

KAYLA: Yes

SARAH: I didn't know you had a porn Twitter

KAYLA: Yeah I didn't know that

DALTON: I don't really advertise it too much because you know, it's porn

SARAH: Yeah

DALTON: And I don't really Tweet on it that much but all of what I like and what I retweet is porn related, and so if you are not a gay man who does not want to look at

SARAH: Or if you are a minor

KAYLA: Mm

DALTON: That too

KAYLA: Do not

DALTON: I hope no minors are listening to this – well, I don't know

KAYLA: Well they definitely are

SARAH: There are definitely minors listening to this

DALTON: Okay

SARAH: But minors, this is not for you

KAYLA: Sorry. Not for you

DALTON: Yes minors you can't go on my Twitter, it is age restricted. For good reason. But yes. My Twitter is DaltonKingXXX, and feel free to send me a message. I could probably answer some questions or whatnot, I don't know. Here to talk to the public about whatever they want porn-wise

KAYLA: Yes

SARAH: Wonderful. Alright. Well yeah. So hit up @DaltonKingXXX on Twitter. Kayla, what's our poll for this week? Is it just questions? 

KAYLA: Yeah if you have any questions for Dalton King you can ask us on our Instagram and then we'll ask Dalton and then he'll answer. Q & A time

DALTON: Hell yeah

KAYLA: Q&A with Dalton King

SARAH: Great. Kayla. 

KAYLA: Mm

SARAH: What's your beef and your juice this week? 

KAYLA: My beef is that I'm doing this right now. And it's not that I don't love – no, non-derogatory. I love this episode we just recorded, and it was a lot of fun, but I am on a work trip right now, and it is midnight o five, and I was doing work events all day. I'm so tired. I did girlboss too close to this.

SARAH: You girlbossed too close to this son. Because we're on zoom for this recording, there were some times when I looked at Kayla and

KAYLA: Nothing behind those eyes

SARAH: There's nothing there

KAYLA: There's nothing in there. I think I did a good job though, to be honest

SARAH: You did

DALTON: You did. 

SARAH: If there's anything the two hosts of Sounds Fake but Okay are good at

KAYLA: Masking

SARAH: It's masking. 

KAYLA: It's masking when recording

DALTON: Wooh, spicy

SARAH: Anyway. 

KAYLA: Anyway

SARAH: What's your juice? 

KAYLA: My juice is that we, me and Dean my boyfriend

SARAH: Step Dean

KAYLA: Step Dean made plans to have no plans on Saturday 

DALTON: That's nice

KAYLA: And I have been so overwhelmed lately that when he said that I did almost cry because it sounded so nice to not have plans. So I'm just very excited for a day of no plans

SARAH: That's great. 

KAYLA: So things are going really well over here if you couldn't tell. 

DALTON: Verge. Woman on a verge

(1:25:00) 

KAYLA: (laughing) Me. Woman on a verge. Me at all times. 

(laughter)

SARAH: My beef is that someone is taking 2 hours every day and I don't know where they're putting it

KAYLA: Ah, we did talk about this earlier

SARAH: I don't have enough. Where are the hours going? Who's hoarding them and can I have them back? My juice is... I didn't think this far ahead

KAYLA: Mm

SARAH: My juice is the concept of cookies, you know? I think they can be nice

DALTON: (laughing) I think that's beautiful

KAYLA: Hot take

SARAH: DK, what's your beef and your juice this week? 

DALTON: My beef, kind of the same as yours. Where are the hours? I want....

SARAH: It's homophobic, it's aphobic

DALTON: yes! I don't have the time to work on my own scripts anymore. I want that back

SARAH: Mood

DALTON: I don't want to be a porn writer forever, I'm sorry to all my co-workers but I can't imagine doing this for 50 eyars. God. I'm 25 by the way just for everyone out there. 

KAYLA: Me too. Sarah's a baby

SARAH: Hey, I got one week. 

KAYLA: Baby

DALTON: I always expect people when they think of a porn writer to think of someone gross

KAYLA: Yeah

SARAH: Mhm

DALTON: And as you both can tell, hopefully

KAYLA: He is not gross

SARAH: I don't associate with gross people. 

DALTON: Exactly

KAYLA: Sarah doesn't have gross friends except for herself

SARAH: So true

KAYLA: Got him

SARAH: Got him. 

DALTON: Being friends with yourself? Couldn't be me

(laughter)

SARAH: Rip

DALTON: So that is my beef is that I can't work on my own stuff

SARAH: What's your juice? 

DALTON: My juice was being on this podcast!

KAYLA: Aw

SARAH: That's so romantic. 

DALTON: I know

KAYLA: I have a new juice

SARAH: What?

KAYLA: I just learned that if you type in Velma on google

DALTON: Oh it's gay! it's gay!

KAYLA: That gay pride flags rain down from the top of Google because she's gay in the new movie. 

SARAH: I love that

DALTON: Velma being gay in the new movie is absolutely the best thing ever. It's beautiful

KAYLA: Look Sarah it's raining gay

SARAH: Oh my god. It's raining inclusive gay

KAYLA: Yeah it's the lesbian

SARAH: Her last name is Dinkley?

(laughter)

DALTON: Yeah, keep up

KAYLA: Yeah, idiot. 

(laughter)

SARAH: I don't think I've ever seen a scoopy scoop scoop movie. 

KAYLA: Anyway.  Velma is gay now. Well she's always been gay

SARAH: She's always been gay

KAYLA: But you know. 

SARAH: Great. 

KAYLA: Moving on

SARAH: You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your questions about porn, your – no. On our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. It is not an OnlyFans. It is the farthest thing from an OnlyFans

DALTON: Anti-Only Fans

SARAH: Our $5 patrons who are promoting something this week – sorry to you guys that you had to get this week of all weeks. Adam Klager, Alex Istar, Amanda Kyker, and Ariel Laxo. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are

(long pause)

(Dalton laughing)

SARAH: Are David Nurse who would like to promote... David you never told us what you wanted to promote other than the thing about your sweater on the London Underground. Anyway so David would like to promote just finding a sweater on the London Underground. Derek and Carissa who would like to promote thr overthrow of heteronormativity and they do so in support of Melody the hamster who is schemine to do just that, CinnamonToastPunch who would like to promote rainy days with friends and splashing in puddles and eating an entire box of cinnamon toast punch within 24 hours that you impulse bought at the gast station, and my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher's Haven.  Our other $10 patrons are Maggie Capalbo, Martin Chiesl, Mattie, Potater, Purple Hayes, Rosie Costello, Barefoot Backpacker, The Steve, Zirklteo

DALTON: Rosie Costello!

SARAH: Arcnes, Ari. K, Benjamin Ybarra, Changeling and Alex the ace cat, and David Jay. Our $15 patrons are  Andrew Hillum who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline who would like to promote Ace of Hearts – I just scrolled. Dia Chappell who would like to promote Twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person

DALTON: are–

KAYLA: It's normal don't worry

DALTON: Okay.

SARAH: This is just what happens. Keziah Root who would like to promote people who come into your life for a small time but when you need them, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla's Aunt Nina who would like to promote @katemaggart.art, and Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere. Our $20 patrons are Sabrina Hauck who would like to promote Merry Christmas Sabrina from your parents, and Dragonfly who would like to promote Dalton King, screenwriter, boner making hot

DALTON: yeah!

SARAH: Again you can find our guy DK at DaltonKingxxx and then soon he will have a column and that will be fun. Any parting words?

DALTON: Buy their book!

KAYLA: Yeah!

DALTON: Buy their book

SARAH: So true. So true. Well thank you so much for joining us DK, not Donkey Kong

DALTON: Thank you for having me. 

SARAH: Yes.

DALTON: Mm

SARAH: Thank you everyone for listening if you've gotten this far, god bless your soul. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. 

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows

SARAH: Can you say cows in porn?

DALTON: Questionable

SARAH: Questionable. Alright. So take good care of your...

KAYLA: You know

SARAH: Tortoises

(laughter) 

SARAH: You know

(1:30:57)