What Is Aromanticism?

disclaimer:

We are not experts. We are just a few podcasters who have been involved in the aromantic community for a few years and who have first-hand experience with the orientation as an aromantic asexual girl (Sarah) and second-hand experience as a demisexual girl (Kayla). But this does not mean that our experiences are universal for all aromantic people. Just because something is true for us, doesn’t mean it’s true for all aromantics. But we’ll be answering the question what is aromanticsm in broad strokes here, so hopefully this won’t be an issue.

First, a Bit of Vocab

Aromanticism: a romantic orientation defined by having little to no romantic attraction to any person of any gender. Romantic attraction is not equivalent to sexual attraction, though many people experience romantic and sexual attraction to the same type of people (for example, a man who is homosexual and homoromantic would be both sexually and romantically attracted to other men). Often shortened to aro.

Aromantic Spectrum/Aromantic Umbrella: while aromanticism is an orientation on its own, it can also be seen as a spectrum. Romantic orientations that involve having little to no romantic attraction are included in this spectrum or under the umbrella of aromanticism. Often shortened to arospec.

Demiromanticism: a romantic orientation under the aromantic spectrum/umbrella. Demiromantic people only experience romantic attraction once they are platonically attached or bonded to someone. Often shortened to demi.

Greyromantic: a romantic orientation under the aromantic spectrum/umbrella. Greyromantic people only experience romantic attraction very rarely. Often shorted to greyro.

Quoiromantic/WTFromantic: a romantic orientation under the aromantic spectrum/umbrella. Quoiromantic or WTFromantic people are often unsure what romantic attraction is or feels like, and struggle to discern it from things like platonic attraction.

Alloromantic: a person who experiences romantic attraction. Often shortened to allo.

The Split Model of Attraction

While not created by the aromantic community, the Split Model of Attraction is very popular and well-known in the community, and can be extremely helpful when trying to understand what is aromanticism?

Simply put, the model puts forth the idea that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same thing. Romantic attraction is more of an emotional response. It may involve the desire for a romantic relationship with someone or participating in romantic activities with someone like going on a date, holding hands, spending your life together, etc. On the other hand, sexual attraction is more physical, involves the body, and involves sexual acts.

You may be confused by this distinction. Maybe you’re wondering how these attractions could be separate when you want to do both romantic and sexual things with a person. Don’t romantic and sexual feelings come together? Happen at the same time? For a lot people, yes.

For many aromantic people, however, this is often not the case. For them, the lines between the two attractions are not so blurred. Though these people are aromantic, they may feel sexual attraction to a certain gender or genders. So for these people, the line between romantic and sexual attraction is quite clear. Maybe they want to have sex with someone, but do not feel romantically attracted to them at all.

It is also possible that someone feels romantically attracted to certain people but is not sexually attracted to them. This person may identify as asexual (or ace for short), which defines people who are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender. This is very similar to aromanticism, it just refers to sexual rather than romantic attraction. Though it is more rare, some people (such as our very own Sarah!) identify as aromantic and asexual. Aromantic asexuals (or aroaces) are actually a minority in the asexual community, so don’t assume that every aro person you meet is also ace!

The Split Model of Attraction does not just apply to the aromantic community! A person might be homosexual (sexually attracted to people of the same gender) but biromantic (romantically attracted to people of two genders). Romantic attraction and sexual attraction exist for everyone, even for people whose attractions “match” (if you are both heterosexual and heteroromantic).

The Split Model of Attraction goes much deeper than what we’ve described here, but we don’t want to confuse you too much! If you’re interested in learning more about the other types of attraction (yes, there are more!), you can listen to our episode about the model or do some internet searching. There are a lot of amazing discussions about the model online!

Common Misconceptions

romantic activities

In the definitions above, we explained that aromantic people experience little to no romantic attraction to anyone. So it may be a bit surprising to learn that some aromantic people do enjoy participating in activities that are seen as romantic! In fact, some aromantics even enjoy being part of relationships that would seem to be coded as “romantic” relationships.

It’s important to remember that romantic activities are just that - activities! Things like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, watching a romcom together are just actions. Just because someone doesn’t experience romantic attraction doesn’t mean they can’t partake in these activities. Think about it, have you been romantically attracted to every person you’ve kissed? Maybe not! There are many reasons to kiss someone other than attraction. Maybe it feels nice, maybe you want to show someone you care about them, who knows!

As it always is with sexuality and romantic orientations, it comes down to a spectrum. Some aromantic people may be romance-repulsed and uninterested in any romantic activities. Others might enjoy partaking in romantic activities and even relationships that may look very similar to romantic relationships.

Lack of fulfilling relationships/ Dying alone

It’s unfortunately common for people to assume that aromantic people will have no fulfilling relationships in their life and will simply die alone without ever having love in their life. This just isn’t true. Aromantic people are fully capable of having meaningful and fulfilling relationships with many people in their lives - friends, family, pets, even partners!

As stated above, aromantic people can partake in romantically-coded relationships. They could also be part of something called a Queer Platonic Relationship (or QPR). A QPR can be described as a friendship on another level — it functions like a romantic and sexual relationship, but without the romance and/or sex.

But even if an aromantic person doesn’t have a QPR or partner, they can still be fulfilled. Aromantic people may not feel romantic attraction, but that does not mean they cannot love the people in their lives very deeply and value the relationships they have.

Commitment issues

When you hear someone is aromantic you might think “well that’s just an excuse. They must have commitment issues.”

Wrong!

Aromanticism is a valid identity and orientation, it is not a cop-out or excuse for people who don’t like commitment. Aromantic people are completely capable of having commitments, whether those are to friends, family, partners, etc. Sure, there might be aromantic people who happen to have commitment issues, but this is not because of their orientation. Aromanticism and a lack of commitment are not one in the same!

Trauma/disability

We are often asked things like “I’m autistic, am I allowed to identify as aromantic?” or “I’ve experienced relationship abuse in the past, can I be aromantic?”

The answer is always yes. Romantic orientations, like sexualities, are incredibly fluid and nebulous. So if you feel like a past experienced or another one of your identities somehow “caused” your aromanticism, that is completely fine. If the label works for you in this moment and allows you to understand yourself better, then you should absolutely take that label on.

This does not mean, however, that all aromantic people have some sort of disability or trauma in their past. Aromanticism is not a choice, it is not a problem, it is not a cry for help - it is a romantic orientation just like biromanticism or heteroromanticism. This is just to say if you feel like your aromanticism may be tied to other parts of your life or that you may not identify as aromantic forever, that is completely fine. Identify in whatever way works for you.

Things Not to Ask or Say to an Aromantic Person

As you read over this section, you may begin thinking “well, what do you mean I can’t ask them this? I would feel comfortable answering this question. Why can’t I know this information?” Just because you may be comfortable talking about certain things doesn’t mean everyone is.

At the end of the day, you are the one who knows this aromantic person and has a relationship with them. If you are close with them and think they may be comfortable talking about these topics, then go ahead and ask. We would just advise that you proceed with caution, as many of these questions can be weird for anyone, aromantic or not.

“That’s so sad! You’re going to die alone!”

We already talked about this sentiment above, but it’s important to cover it again because of how common this statement is. We understand that this kind of comment can come from a place of love. Society places an enormous amount of importance on romance and romantic relationships. To someone unfamiliar with aromanticism or unable to see alternate life paths, not experiencing romantic attraction might seem sad or lonely.

But as we said above, aromantic people (and all people, really!) can find fulfillment and happiness outside of romance.

“Don’t You Feel like you’re missing out?”

No! But also… maybe.

Like many queer folks, aromantic people often struggle to come to terms with their identity. It can be extremely difficult to realize that you are different from everyone else, that you may not experience the “important milestones” that everyone seems to go through and that society places so much importance on. So while many aromantics love their orientation, others may actually feel like they are missing out. And you stating this fact is probably going to make them feel even worse!

Ultimately, this type of comment isn’t very productive. Aromantic people cannot change the way they are whether they feel like they’re missing out of if they’re completely happy with the way they are.

“you’re just ugly, that’s why you don’t date”

This is just plain rude. Once again, aromanticism is not a choice, it is an identity. And there is no aromantic “look” just like there is no straight “look” or gay “look.” Aromantic people are incredibly diverse and can look any way they want, including wanting to look “good” or “beautiful".”

There is a common misconception that people (especially women) only put on makeup or dress nicely to gain the romantic interest of other people. This is not true. Aromantic people may not want to date or attract anyone, but they can still choose to look nice just for themselves!

“You’re so lucky! You don’t have to deal with dating or heartbreak!” / “I wish i was aromantic”

In a lot of ways, this is very true. A lot of aromantic people do feel lucky and are extremely happy with their aromantic lifestyle. However, this comment can brush over the fact that there are difficult parts about being aromantic, too. While aromantic people may not have to deal with the struggles of unrequited love or trying to online date, they do often have to face aphobia and have to live in a world that is romance-obsessed.

This may not sound that bad, but existing in a society that places so much importance on something you are not part of and have no interest in can be extremely exhausting and isolating.

“You’re a psychopath/sociopath”

This is incredibly harmful and leans dangerously towards the sentiment that aromantic people are mentally ill or need to be clinicalized in some way. Aromantic people do feel emotions, they are not heartless, they are not psychopaths or sociopaths. Just because someone does not experience romantic attraction does not mean that they do not care deeply about the people around them.

So now what?

So now you have a basic understanding of what is aromanticism. If you’re still confused, that’s completely fine and understandable. It’s a lot to take in. But doing your research is an important first step!

As is probably clear from this long post, there are a lot of different ways to experience asexual umbrella identities. If you’re still confused and have questions, ask the aromantic person in your life, or even ask us here at Sounds Fake But Okay. Asking questions is a great thing, as long as you’re being genuine and thoughtful in the way you ask them. And of course, there’s always your good friend Google, our massive page of resources, and our many episodes about aromanticism.

If you came to this page because someone in your life came out to you as aromantic, just remember they’re no different than the person you knew yesterday. Now you just know one more thing about them. If you are someone struggling with your identity and are unsure if you’re aromantic, we’re here for you. We’ve been there, too. Understanding aromanticism from any side can be a difficult journey, but the fact that you started is more than most can say. So thank you.