Ep 70: Valentine's Day
Sarah: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay Podcast. We're an aroace girl. I'm Sarah, that's me.
Kayla: And a demistraight girl. That's me, Kayla.
Sarah: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and...
Kayla: Oh no.
Sarah: I'm leaving it in. And pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
Kayla: On today's episode, Valentine's Day.
Both: Sounds fake, but okay.
Sarah: Welcome back to the pod.
Kayla: Podcast.
Sarah: No.
Kayla: Oh, every week it's going to be a new something.
Sarah: Oh, geez.
Kayla: That was no one's suggestion, but it's what's happening.
Sarah: Can I tell you something that Kayla just told me, everyone who's listening? She said, "What if our eyelids were just fingers?"
Kayla: Well okay, so if you put your fingers right over your eyes so you can still see through your fingers and you just move them up and then squish them-
Sarah: You know how like on Wii, there's the Mii's and there's those weird lips just going two red fingers.
Kayla: So what if there was this little sausages that were-
Sarah: No, hold on. I need to take a picture of this.
Kayla: You can get a video. I think it makes more sense via video.
Sarah: Go.
Kayla: So the thing I look dead right now.
Sarah: I mean, you just tweeted a picture of me. Guys, this is live from recording. All right. Good. Well you can find that video on our Twitter.
Kayla: M'podcast.
Sarah: All right, what are we talking about this week, Kayla?
Kayla: Valentine's Day. She's in a few days.
Sarah: She is.
Kayla: When you're listening to this. If you're listening on time.
Sarah: As we're recording it, it's in a few days.
Kayla: Yeah, but on Sunday, it will also be in a few days.
Sarah: I got to go.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: Valentine's Day is a weird time. I've never particularly liked it, because I'm an aroace bitch.
Kayla: You sure are.
Sarah: But there's a lot of shit that goes down and for some people who are aspec, it might be kind of difficult, frankly. And then for some people who are aspec, it might just be fucking stupid.
Kayla: Or if you're any sexuality, it might be a hard time.
Sarah: That's true. So yeah, we're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about... my loud window. I'm sorry.
Kayla: Hello queen.
Sarah: It's really windy out. So there may be some noises. We say that every week and then you can never hear them.
Kayla: This might be the week you guys.
Sarah: We're just going to talk about Valentine's Day. Kayla, what are your thoughts on Valentine's Day?
Kayla: I don't have any strong opinions either way. I was just thinking about this before we were recording, because I had nothing to do and I took a long nap in a beanbag. But before I fell asleep-
Sarah: In a beanbag.
Kayla: Yeah. I was inside of it.
Sarah: Wow, did you have enough air?
Kayla: It was bean-y.
Sarah: Okay.
Kayla: And I was like, "I don't really have strong opinions on it either way." I've celebrated it a few times with a significant other and it's been fun. But also, I was like, "If I had a significant other that was like, 'We're not doing it.'" I'd be like, "All right."
Sarah: I just think it's really stupid.
Kayla: It is. I mean, I think it can be fun. Just as like holidays are fun.
Sarah: I feel like there's a lot of pressure though. If you're in a relationship with someone, especially if it's early in the relationship, I feel like there's a lot of pressure that you have to do something. But I wouldn't want to. I don't want someone to tell me I have to go celebrate something.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Bitch.
Kayla: And that's also you being you. But yeah-
Sarah: I would be like, "Anniversary? No. You can't make me celebrate anything unless it's my birthday and you're giving me food and presents."
Kayla: That's the nice thing about anniversaries and Valentine's Day though is if you like receiving things, or if you like giving things, it's just an extra excuse to-
Sarah: I'm so bad at giving things. I don't like chocolate.
Kayla: I know. I'm bad at giving things too.
Sarah: I mean, so much of Valentine's Day is chocolate and I love a good flower, okay? I think red roses are overrated.
Kayla: I think the cheesiest Valentine's Day I had, and it was meant to be cheesy, like my other significant other at the time was like, "I wanted to make this the most Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day ever." I got chocolate roses and a necklace and then he made me dinner, and he was like, "We're having a Valentine's Day." I was like, "Oh my god."
Sarah: My grandpa used to always send us balloons for Valentine's Day.
Kayla: Oh, that's cute.
Sarah: Yeah, but now-
Kayla: I want a balloon, fuck. Can you get me a balloon for Valentine's this year?
Sarah: Sometimes he'd send us flowers. Sometimes he would send us candy. See, here's the thing now, I don't like most candies. So he would send it to me knowing that I didn't like it but feeling obligated to send it to me because he's also sending it to my sister and to my mom. So then I was just like, "Hey dad, want this candy?"
Kayla: Want it?
Sarah: Because I don't know, apparently he can't get my dad a Valentine, rude.
Kayla: That's also weird is like for Valentine's Day, I feel like it's seen as the guy is supposed to get something for the girl.
Sarah: That's how so much stuff is-
Kayla: But then you should get something for him. But then if you're like looking at gender stereotypes it's like-
Sarah: Yeah, it's very heteronormative.
Kayla: Do you get him flowers, or is that weird? Do boys like flowers?
Sarah: Yeah they do.
Kayla: I don't know.
Sarah: Yeah. Valentine's Day is such a heteronormative thing.
Kayla: Yeah and in that reason, it is kind of stressful. Like even, I don't think-
Sarah: Can I interrupt you?
Kayla: Yes.
Sarah: Non-Americans. Valentine's Day, February 14th. Saint Valentine is somebody. We don't fucking care about that shit in America. It's basically you celebrate love and romantic love and relationships and people give each other chocolates in boxes that are shaped like hearts. And apparently, they're stopping the conversation hearts. Yeah, they're making anymore.
Kayla: The company went out of business.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Next year, so I guess another company bought them, so they're going to be-
Sarah: And Sweet Tarts makes their own version.
Kayla: Yes, they're going to be around next year, I guess. But people apparently... I heard about it on NPR.
Sarah: Oh my gosh. She listens to NPR.
Kayla: So yeah, the company went out of business and people are mad, but no one likes them anyway. So I don't know why everyone's so mad.
Sarah: And they do Valentine's Day Peeps.
Kayla: Peeps are gross.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Hot take.
Sarah: They were just talking about them on Dear Hank and John. Anyway. Well several episodes ago. But yeah, it's a commercial holiday, as most American holidays are. It's about selling things in the colors red and pink. And giving your significant others flowers and teddy bears and shit, but only if you're in a heterosexual relationship, and you're the man because heteronormativity, what? There's just like very specific things that you're "supposed" to do for Valentine's Day and I hate it.
Kayla: Yeah. It is kind of stressful. Like in the past when I've celebrated Valentine's Day and even thinking about this Valentine's Day, I don't think I'm celebrating it hardcore. I asked my boyfriend if we're doing anything, and he was like, "we should get dinner and do romantic stuff." And I was like, "Cool, sounds good."
Sarah: Vague.
Kayla: Sounds as vague as I wanted this to be. But then I was like, "Is he giving me a gift? Am I getting him a gift?" What do you get a boy?
Sarah: It's like giving... what do you get a boy? It's like you're giving gifts for no reason, which I don't think there's a problem in getting someone a gift just to be like, "Hey, I like you. I appreciate you."
Kayla: I was thinking about you.
Sarah: But it feels like a mandated gift giving situation. And that isn't a religious holiday or a birthday.
Kayla: Yeah. The one area I do have more beef with Valentine's day, I guess, is that this is the day you're supposed to celebrate your relationship and I get celebrating your relationship on anniversaries because that's good. Oh, you've been together for a year, let's think back on our time together. Whatever.
Sarah: You've been together for 55 years.
Kayla: Yeah, that's exciting. But Valentine's Day, it's just like why can't you celebrate how much you love someone every day?
Sarah: Yeah and then there's that other... what's that day in October?
Kayla: Sweetest Day?
Sarah: Sweetest Day.
Kayla: Which is it's a second Valentine's Day that-
Sarah: During cuffing season.
Kayla: I'm pretty sure maybe Hallmark invented.
Sarah: I think Hallmark might have invented that.
Kayla: And so it's basically like the same thing. Not as many people celebrate it or anything, but it's so stupid.
Sarah: But yeah. I mean, around Valentine's Day, you see a lot of commercials and just other ads and stuff and stuff online about... and it's just assuming you're in a relationship or you want to be in a relationship. It's assuming that it is a heterosexual relationship. It's assuming a lot of things.
Kayla: Just thinking about it, I feel like a lot of the ads or the images we see, it's either people in happy relationships or single girls crying really sad.
Sarah: Eating ice cream, watching-
Kayla: The Notebook.
Sarah: No, Bridget Jone's Diary.
Kayla: Dude, we talked about Bridget Jone's Diary a couple times in my feminist class-
Sarah: Hey, I read that article that you were reading.
Kayla: Like Robbie. Oh yeah, so it basically is just like well if you're single, you must want to be in a relationship and how sad that you're single and that you don't get to celebrate Valentine's Day and it's like-
Sarah: So sad you should watch romantic movies and cry about it.
Kayla: Yeah and it's like, "Maybe I'm happy to be single sir."
Sarah: Like listen, I fucking love the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. That doesn't mean I have to watch it and be sad, because I'm not in a relationship. Because if I'm going to watch that movie, it's because I want to fucking watch that movie, which I always want to fucking watch that movie. So bitch, don't make me feel bad about it.
Kayla: You make a good point.
Sarah: Thank you. Yeah, it's a commercial, very American holiday that... I just looked at your hair ties and they are Valentine's Day colored.
Kayla: Purple isn't really a Valentine's Day color.
Sarah: It's like a tertiary Valentine's Day color. I use the word tertiary a lot on this podcast and it makes me pretty excited.
Kayla: Because you think you're smart now?
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Interesting.
Sarah: Reminds me of turtles.
Kayla: I don't want to get into this.
Sarah: Yeah. What do you think would happen if there was just a movement to get rid of Valentine's Day? What would people do? They would probably fucking riot.
Kayla: I'm assuming some people would get real mad about it and be like, "These snowflakes."
Sarah: "Millennials, they've killed Valentine's Day."
Kayla: I mean, we've killed everything else. We might as well go for Valentine's Day. What are your thoughts on Galentine's Day?
Sarah: Oh, big fan of Galentine's Day. For those of you who don't know, Galentine's Day is from Parks and Rec. It is February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. And you hang out with your friends and eat waffles, which is great.
Kayla: That is also very... I mean, it is called Galentine's Day, but it's very like a feminine thing or like a girl thing of like, "If you're single, hang out with your friends so you have something to do around that time. Or hang out with your friends before you go hang out with your significant other." And we celebrated Galentine's Day last year, I think, and then our guy roommate was very excited about it.
Sarah: He was so excited.
Kayla: We went to his door because he is always in his room and we were like, "Evan, it's Galentine's Day time." And he was like, "Galentine's Day? I fucking love Galentine's Day." And should we have found that as funny as we did? I don't know.
Sarah: No, probably not.
Kayla: But it was very silly.
Sarah: Because if a girl had said that... also, I think just because it was him saying it too.
Kayla: But still, you know?
Sarah: Yeah. All right. So I just looked up Valentine's Day on the internet. So it is also called-
Kayla: On the world wide web.
Sarah: The world wide web. It is also called Saint Valentine's Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine.
Kayla: Oh, so it's his feast day? Oh.
Sarah: Feast? What?
Kayla: So he's a saint?
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: And saints have a feast day. So saints are something that Catholics have. Catholicism is fun because you're not supposed to worship any other gods, but then you have saints that you also pray to, which is interesting. So you pray to saints for like if someone's the patron saint of the blind, and you need some help seeing things, you would pray to them. Anyway, so he's the patron saint of love and all saints have a feast day.
Sarah: Yeah. So western Christian feast day. It's recognized as a significant cultural, religious and commercial celebration of romance and romantic love in many regions around the world. Martyrdom stories. The day first became associated with romantic love within the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer, Geoffrey, in the 14th century.
Kayla: Chaucer?
Sarah: C-H-A-U-C-E-R.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: 14th century, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. In 18th century England, it evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionary and sending greeting cards known as Valentines. Heart shaped outline doves, figure of a winged cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten Valentines have given way to mass produced greeting cards. When we were in elementary school, this is a very common thing in the United States, from what I understand. On Valentine's Day, everyone brings a little box in.
Kayla: You decorate your shoe box.
Sarah: Decorate your shoebox, and then you go to Party City or wherever you're going to buy your Valentine's Day cards from and you buy these pre-made Valentine's Day cards and they have themes.
Kayla: Like Hello Kitty on them.
Sarah: One year I had Pirate the Caribbean, I was very excited. And then you have to give them to everyone in your class. So what you really do is you walk around the classroom and you just stick a little card in with some sort of branding on it into every single other person's shoebox. And then at the end of the day, you just have a...
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I think it started out where people give them to their friends, but then because of the age we live in now, they were like, "No, you have to give it to everyone."
Kayla: Yeah, because I feel like in movies or something, it's like people give Valentine's to the other little child in their class that they like. That isn't really a thing anymore.
Sarah: No.
Kayla: But it's interesting to me that... so it started as a feast day for a Catholic feast. And that's what St. Patrick's Day is too, is it's Saint Patrick's Feast Day. But now it's this totally commercial thing and all the religion has been... yeah, but all religion has been taken out of it and people, regardless of religion, are celebrating it. And it's not a national holiday or anything, you don't get work off for it or anything, but interesting.
Sarah: Yeah. It's just such a very, very American concept.
Kayla: Do they not have it in England?
Sarah: They have it in other places, but I don't think it's quite to the same extent. And in the ways that it is kind of similar to our Valentine's Day, it's kind of from us rubbing off on them. So it's just so American, it's so commercialized, it's all about romantic and sexual love. And it's like, "Oh, it's Valentine's Day. Here's some lingerie you could buy." And that sort of thing and it's so heteronormative.
Kayla: Well it's all about you have to spend money on the person. You have to go out and do something.
Sarah: A lot of what happens too on Valentine's Day is people ask each other out on Valentine's Day.
Kayla: Ew. Okay. Here's the thing about things like that is I think having... people would be like, "Oh, I'm single. I need a Valentine's Day date." Your first date being on Valentine's Day sounds like a horror movie.
Sarah: First of all-
Kayla: That's so much pressure.
Sarah: Wherever you are is going to be super fucking busy.
Kayla: And expensive.
Sarah: And expensive, because it's fucking Valentine's Day. Second of all, you're going to be surrounded by a bunch of couples who have been together forever and so you're going to look around and see all these perfect couples, and then you'll be like, "This is our first date."
Kayla: Well because first dates are already so awkward.
Sarah: And if it goes horribly, it's let down.
Kayla: I've heard stories of people who've been on dates and then the girl is like, "Yeah, it's my birthday today." And it's like, "What are you..."
Sarah: Why would you do that?
Kayla: Well I've heard of that happening to multiple people and it's like huh?
Sarah: Why would you do that?
Kayla: This is how you're spending your fucking birthday?
Sarah: Spend your fucking birthday with someone, if you're already dating them.
Kayla: Spend it with people you care about.
Sarah: Not some-
Kayla: Someone you're already dating. Yeah. I mean, I guess-
Sarah: You're just trying to get laid on your birthday or something?
Kayla: I mean, if it's someone that you already know, then maybe. But if it was like a Tinder date or someone you met in class, like-
Sarah: But if-
Kayla: Stop it.
Sarah: I were the someone that they already knew, I would be like, "No, let's not do that on your birthday. Let's do something else for your birthday."
Kayla: I know. So anyway, having a first date on Valentine's Day seems like a lot of pressure.
Sarah: It does and I feel like-
Kayla: First dates are already a mess.
Sarah: Yeah and then it's just like I would... if you want to reject them, I feel like the pressure's, it's even more awkward to reject someone, especially because if they're like, "I brought you some roses. I gave you a Valentine or some chocolates or something." And it's like, "I'm not interested in you romantically or sexually."
Kayla: You know what also makes Valentine's Day hard? So you know how you can't break up with people too close to the holidays?
Sarah: You can't break up with people too close to Valentine's Day.
Kayla: Right, so you can't do it too far ahead of Valentine's Day or too close to Valentine's Day, and you can't do it that soon after because then it's like, "Oh, you were thinking of breaking up with me while we were having Valentine's Day? What happened to all those nice things you said?" Because there's already all the winter holidays like Christmas and New Year's, you can't really-
Sarah: Yeah, it's one of those-
Kayla: You got to be careful around there.
Sarah: It's one of those times of year where it's just a dick move to... it's just seen as a dick move if you dump someone.
Kayla: And it is. It is.
Sarah: I knew someone who was in a relationship that she wanted to get out of, but her significant other, his birthday was at the beginning of February and then it was Valentine's Day, and then there was something else. And she was like, "What do I do?"
Kayla: That sucks. I mean, sometimes you just got to.
Sarah: Yeah, sometimes you just got to rip the Band-Aid off, but it sucks. And the reason I would say that it sucks so bad is because society and advertising tells you that you should be with someone at this time, and if you're not, then you should be sad and eating ice cream. So if someone dumps you right before then of course, you're going to feel that way because the-
Kayla: Because you're already sad and then you're double sad.
Sarah: You're already sad and then the media is just telling you that, "Yes, that's how you should feel. Bad, bad, bad. Eat our ice cream."
Kayla: My god, that's so true.
Sarah: I mean, that's the real reason why it sucks so much to be dumped around Valentine's Day.
Kayla: Yeah, it's not like an inherent...
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Yep.
Sarah: Yeah. It's stupid.
Kayla: It is.
Sarah: I just think it's such a stupid holiday.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I mean, obviously I'm biased because I'm aroace and I'm like, "Who the fuck cares?" I know a lot of people care.
Kayla: Some people care way too much though.
Sarah: Oh, some people do care a lot.
Kayla: Some people put so much pressure... I feel like-
Sarah: They buy fancy jewelry and like-
Kayla: And maybe this is just a stereotype of the valley girl or really stuck up girls, but putting so much pressure on their boyfriends to plan a whole super romantic thing, and then do all this stuff. Have you ever seen those videos on Twitter that it's like, "My boyfriend got me all these gifts." And it's like hundreds of dollars of makeup and it's not even for Valentine's Day. It's just like a Tuesday. And then you're like, "What?"
Sarah: Yeah. You're not even going to be able to use all that makeup.
Kayla: It's like girls will expect their boyfriends to do all this and go all out, and if they don't, they're like, "Well you don't love me." And it's like-
Sarah: Yeah, you're a shitty boyfriend. It's like, "No, you're a shitty person." I kept seeing these ads for... they were horrible. I kept seeing these posts. They were on Twitter and it was by the same... it was like a fake person on Twitter, and presumably run by a real person, but you know.
Kayla: How are we so sure?
Sarah: It was this video, they were advertising these big teddy bear things made out of roses and they were pretty big. And the ad, this was a little video, and the woman... okay, there's this bear thing and there's like a clear box, packaging over it, you know how like so you can see it from all sides. So she can see it, right? She walks up to it, she grabs the box, she's like, "Oh, what's this?" And she lifts up the box and then when she moves the box, even though she could see through it the whole time, she does this horrible job of acting surprised and there are no words. No words at all.
Kayla: Oh my god.
Sarah: And then she grabs it and hugs it really gently.
Kayla: No, but ew.
Sarah: And this user has posted the video multiple times.
Kayla: Like ironically?
Sarah: Oh no, they were like, "Look what my boyfriend got me." And then they'll just retweet a bunch of other random shit so that you if you just click on the account, you don't realize it unless you dig a little bit deeper. I only knew that because I saw people in the replies were like, "Yeah, you said this three years ago." And then I was curious, so I clicked on it and they were kind of expensive.
Kayla: I bet. Flowers are really expensive.
Sarah: Especially roses and the type of teddy bears.
Kayla: Well yeah, especially they up flower prices during Valentine's Day. I remember one time, a significant other got me roses and he was like, "Yeah, I didn't order them soon enough out, so they were really expensive." I was like-
Sarah: Why'd you do that then?
Kayla: Yikes. Yeah.
Sarah: Also if you're going to give me flowers, don't get me roses, they're an overrated flower.
Kayla: Sunflowers are the objective best flower.
Sarah: Just give me some fucking wildflower shit that-
Kayla: Just go pick some outside. Just go outside and pick me some flowers.
Sarah: In February in Michigan?
Kayla: Find them. That's how I know you really love me.
Sarah: Find a fucking dandelion on the ground. A dandelion that's already turned into the other thing.
Kayla: Then I'll know.
Sarah: That I didn't know was the same plant until I was 16. Anyway, but as we sort of mentioned earlier, something that comes with the territory of Valentine's Day is getting asked out. And so we're going to combine this topic with one that we've been meaning to do for a while now, which has been the official title is what happens when you're aro and you get asked out? How to be better at this than Sarah, the handbook. Also, just what happens when you get asked out by someone who you don't want to go out with.
Kayla: Yeah, because that happens to a lot of people regardless of sexuality.
Sarah: Kayla, how do you do that? I'm not an expert. How many times have you been asked out and had to say no?
Kayla: Oh, so I've been asked out and said no I'd say like two and a half times, because one of the times is I went on a first date and then the guy was like, "I want to see you again." And I was like-
Sarah: I don't.
Kayla: "No, thank you sir." And I made my friend send that text because she had sent similar texts before and I had not.
Sarah: So what I'm hearing is that I have been asked out and said no thrice and you have done it twice and a half, which means-
Kayla: You are the expert.
Sarah: I am more appealing. That's not true.
Kayla: That's not true. I've been asked out...
Sarah: You've been asked out more times.
Kayla: on the whole more. That literally... no.
Sarah: Yeah, but I'm a heartbreaker Kayla.
Kayla: Yeah, that's the image you want?
Sarah: No, not at all.
Kayla: Okay. Because we say that... no, I guess we say it for boys too. Do people call boys that get asked out and say no... well boys don't get asked out because boys do the asking out.
Sarah: Well that's what I wanted to talk about as well is the fact that the way we're talking about this is also just very heteronormative, the fact that we have to be asked out. And for me, obviously I wouldn't ask other people out. But there's nothing stopping you from asking people out.
Kayla: There isn't, except there is and it's me, I'm stopping myself. Because-
Sarah: Who you are as a person.
Kayla: I would never be able to do that.
Sarah: I'm trying to imagine if I were a guy who wanted to ask someone out. I would feel so much pressure that I had to do it, but I'm just not that kind of person. I'm horrible at that shit. That's basically confrontation, is it not?
Kayla: It is and you hate that.
Sarah: And I hate that.
Kayla: Which sucks because yeah, I feel like there's a ton of men like that that are really shy or just uncomfortable. But it's kind of like if you want a relationship, you have to get over it.
Sarah: And it's like the guy proposes to the girl.
Kayla: That I don't mind either. I want to be proposed to, sue me.
Sarah: Yeah, but for feminism reasons.
Kayla: Yeah, that's what unfortunate is...
Sarah: My favorite stories are when couples, they both... the two people in the couple both plan to propose on the same day.
Kayla: Did you see there was a...
Sarah: And they both have rings, that's my favorite fucking thing.
Kayla: There was a video recently of this lesbian couple who went to actually propose at the same... they were at a zoo or something-
Sarah: I've seen it.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I've seen it.
Kayla: So they actually both went to do it even at the same time and then they were like, "Oh my god." And also you have to think their friends and family that were with them had to know that they were both doing it and just let it happen.
Sarah: But I would totally let it happen.
Kayla: Oh, it would be so magical.
Sarah: It would be amazing.
Kayla: It'd be so cool.
Sarah: That's one of my favorite tropes in fanfic and shit.
Kayla: But it's so cute because then it's like, "Oh my god, we were so on the same page." That's fucking cute bitch.
Sarah: But I think it definitely happens more with gay couples because, or same sex couples because with straight couples, it's presumed that the man will propose. But anyway, rejecting people, it sucks. I mean, it's especially hard if you genuinely like the person.
Kayla: Yeah, if it's like a friend or they're actually just a very nice person.
Sarah: It's much harder that way. Technically, I've done it more than you, but you're more of an expert at human emotion.
Kayla: Yeah. I would agree.
Sarah: Because the first time I did it, it didn't go well.
Kayla: And we've told that story before.
Sarah: We've told that story.
Kayla: It was bad.
Sarah: Yeah, but I also didn't know I was aroace at the time.
Kayla: Right, so that made it harder.
Sarah: Now it's a little bit easier, depending on who the person would theoretically be, because I can pull the "I'm aroace, I'm sorry." If I feel comfortable coming out to them.
Kayla: Well so recently, you got asked out and you rejected the person. And the way you did it was like, "I'm aroace."
Sarah: I was like, "I thought you knew. I'm sorry."
Kayla: Yeah and I was talking to... maybe I even said this to you of like, that's like... and maybe this is bad to say-
Sarah: It's a nice little cop out.
Kayla: Well for you, it's a very nice cop out and for the person being rejected, I think it's one of the best ways to be rejected.
Sarah: I would agree.
Kayla: Because it has nothing to do with you.
Sarah: And it's like I wouldn't even know if I would be interested in you if I weren't aroace, because I'm aroace.
Kayla: It's not you saying you're not a person that's datable, I don't like you, you're ugly. Truly, it has literally nothing to do with you.
Sarah: And I will still very happily be friends with you and it won't be weird at all.
Kayla: Right, because there was no feelings on your end, so it doesn't have to be weird at all. So truly for you, if you're comfortable coming out to someone, it's super easy.
Sarah: It's much easier now in situations where I do feel comfortable coming out to someone, but depending on how well I know the person, I may not totally feel comfortable coming out.
Kayla: If it was like a stranger or I don't know, what if it was someone at work in a professional setting? Would you be as comfortable doing that?
Sarah: Possibly not.
Kayla: Right.
Sarah: And a lot of people have that issue, whether they're aro or ace or both, or someone else under the umbrella and if that's the reason you're rejecting someone, you may not be out to the general public, and you may not feel comfortable saying that.
Kayla: And I feel like using the excuse of, "I don't date." Well that is true, you do not date. But if you wanted to use that instead of having to come out-
Sarah: It invites a lot of questions.
Kayla: Well it just seems really elitist like, "No, I don't date. Thank you."
Sarah: Yeah and you can always pull the, "I'm not dating right now." But then they might think, "Oh, maybe in the future." That's kind of a mistake I made the first time I did that, but I also didn't know I was aroace at the time. Because that was true, I wasn't dating then and I wasn't ever going to date. I just didn't understand that yet.
Kayla: So you're in a lucky position, at least with a certain group of people that you have a nice, easy thing to say. I mean, do you have any advice for people that aren't out or aren't comfortable saying that as a reason?
Sarah: I mean, don't be a dick about it. Don't be passive aggressive.
Kayla: Okay, so advice in general, I suppose for rejecting people, do it in a timely manner.
Sarah: Do it in a timely... don't make the mistakes I did.
Kayla: Which is hard.
Sarah: Do it in a timely manner.
Kayla: It's hard to do that. Because you want to just ignore it.
Sarah: Be as honest as you can, because I understand that there are some situations where you may not feel comfortable coming out and in that case, you may have to fudge it a little bit. But being as honest as you can, especially if this is a person you're friends with, will help maintain that friendship. And if you're like, "Listen, I really..." because I feel like a lot of times, people just kind of lie and they're like, "Oh, I really like you. I'm just..." fill in the BS reason here. And it's like if that's not the reason, you shouldn't say it. Be as honest as you can, and if your honest thing is, "I really like you as a person, I just don't have feelings for you that way. I'm sorry, I still want to be friends." I'm sure that sucks to hear.
Kayla: That's also, I think hard to say. I think it's easy to come up with-
Sarah: With an excuse.
Kayla: Other things.
Sarah: But I think at the end of the day, being honest is going to be the best call, which is weird advice coming from me.
Kayla: Yeah, because you don't want to get stuck in a lie.
Sarah: Yeah, it's better to have the confrontation now and not have to deal with it later than to have the confrontation six months done the line, you know? Have to do it again, which is what I had to do. So I fucking hate confrontation. But don't view it as confrontation, view it as a-
Kayla: It's just an adult conversation.
Sarah: Conversation between some friends, or maybe you hate them and then you can say, "Fuck you." That's fine.
Kayla: Yes, yes.
Sarah: Send them a fish flag emoji.
Kayla: Because also, if they really like you and are a good person, they'll want what's best for you and they will understand and so-
Sarah: They may be a little sad. And that's okay and they may need a bit of time to get over that, but it's in both of your best interests to move forward. And if you are the aspec person, or even just a person who's rejecting someone for whatever reason, it's not your responsibility to make sure that they get over you. That's not your problem.
Kayla: Yeah, or if they're sad. And I think it would be especially hard if you're like friends and then they're sad because then you're like oh, with friends, you want to make them feel better because you're a friend. But I think especially if you're aroace, as with-
Sarah: You have to respect their sexuality.
Kayla: And as with any other time of coming out or talking about your sexuality, it's not your responsibility to make someone happy about your sexuality or get it. You might want to explain it and if you would like to, that is your choice, but you are not obligated to give that TED talk or to make them feel better about your sexuality. Because I think a lot of people take it as an offense like, "Oh, you're asexual, so you must think I'm super sexual and I'm offended because I think you're..."
Sarah: Or like you're asexual because of me. It's just an excuse.
Kayla: Right. So it's not your responsibility to make them understand, to make them not upset with you, to make them get over you in a timely fashion. That's not your job.
Sarah: That ain't it, chief.
Kayla: It sure isn't chief.
Sarah: But yeah, I think it's important to recognize that. And if you don't like someone back, don't feel guilty about it, that's not your fault. That's just how the world is.
Kayla: You can't control it. You can't control that stuff.
Sarah: It's kind of like how you can't control your sexuality like I can't control the fact that I'm aroace. And even if I weren't aroace, if someone asked me out and I weren't into them, I wouldn't be able to control that either.
Kayla: You can't control who you like, contrary to perhaps some beliefs, you truly can't do that.
Sarah: And so it's just you have to trust your own self and respect your own feelings, but also respect the feelings of others. And that's the motherfucking tea.
Kayla: It is.
Sarah: Do you have anything to add on the topic of Valentine's Day? Stupid.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Overrated, commercialized.
Kayla: It is, but also if you like celebrating it, I don't want to make people feel guilty if they enjoy celebrating it.
Sarah: I don't have a deep rooted hatred for it. It's not like my hatred for Columbus Day. It's just I think it's stupid.
Kayla: Yeah. Like I said, I don't have a strong opinion either way. I think it's interesting to analyze sociologically, and I think it's very interesting to talk about, but in my personal life, I could take it or leave it. So I definitely think there's a wrong way to do Valentine's Day and that is insisting that your significant other do a ton of stuff for you, and then be a bitch about it. But I don't want people to feel guilty if they really like celebrating it.
Sarah: If you like just having an excuse to celebrate your relationship, then go for it. I mean, I don't like Valentine's Day but I'm fucking huge on Galentine's Day. Eat your fucking waffles with your friends, let's go. Because I'm just very into celebrating platonic relationships and that's in part because of who I am and in part because of my sexuality. What's the tea?
Kayla: The tea on that is you don't express your feelings still, so you're like, "Yeah, I'm really big on celebrating platonic relationships, but I'm never going to tell my friends that I like them."
Sarah: No, I'll just eat waffles with them.
Kayla: And that's your way of telling them that you like them?
Sarah: Yes.
Kayla: Interesting.
Sarah: I got it from my father. He just gives me food as ways of showing me love. He just shows up with a gallon Ziploc full of cooked chicken.
Kayla: You're so obscure.
Sarah: It's just who I am Kayla.
Kayla: I would love to see the alternate universe you that's not aroace, and so you are dating someone and then you just show up at their door with a bag of chicken, because you're well-
Sarah: My dad's chicken's fucking good.
Kayla: I believe you.
Sarah: Have you never eaten my dad's chicken? My friend-
Kayla: You've never given it to me.
Sarah: My friends in high school used to... I would bring it at lunch and if I had extra they would be like, "Can I eat it?"
Kayla: Okay, well I feel offended that I've never had your dad's chicken then.
Sarah: It's good shit.
Kayla: God.
Sarah: Anyway. I don't remember where we were, chicken. You know what Evan told me today? About a meme that I hadn't seen before which is like something about like, who cares about the guy who says he'll die for you. Chicken did die for you.
Kayla: Oh my god that's so funny.
Sarah: Which is iconic.
Kayla: That's so silly.
Sarah: Anyway, I think that's how I want to end it.
Kayla: Yeah, that's good. It's a good place to stop.
Sarah: What's our pole?
Kayla: Maybe like-
Sarah: Thoughts on Valentine's Day?
Kayla: Valentine's Day?
Sarah: Positive, neutral, negative.
Kayla: Pro, con, newt.
Sarah: Newt.
Kayla: Cool.
Sarah: What is your beef of the week that isn't Valentine's Day related? Because I think we already expressed that.
Kayla: My beef of the week is that society has decided that once you graduate college, you must be an adult.
Sarah: Kayla got a job.
Kayla: I'm moving away. If any of you live in Connecticut, I will soon be also doing that. And I looked at the town's LGBT center and there are no ace resources. So you know I'm about to roll into that town and demand resources. But anyway, I was Googling asexuality Connecticut to see if there was groups or anything in New Haven and there was nothing.
Sarah: I don't even know what they have in Michigan. I haven't looked into it.
Kayla: Yeah. I don't know. But I know I've seen groups for Ace New York or whatever, but there was nothing in all of Connecticut so-
Sarah: I'm going to be in LA.
Kayla: You got time though. We're going to be so far apart from each other.
Sarah: I mean, it'll be the same time zone differences.
Kayla: I know. But mileage we're like almost could not get further apart from each other.
Sarah: If you went to Maine or one of us was in-
Kayla: I'm not going to Maine.
Sarah: Florida, and the other was in Alaska.
Kayla: Yeah, that's true. But anyway, at least while I'm working at this job, I will be a Connecticut lady.
Sarah: Yeah. Kayla got a job! I can't believe that you twisted that into being your fucking beef.
Kayla: It is my beef because it's been a very stressful week of realizing that I must now be an adult.
Sarah: But you have a job, that's so exciting.
Kayla: It is exciting.
Sarah: It's February and you already have a job.
Kayla: I know. It's scary because I'm going alone and I don't know anyone. My therapist was like, "Do you have family out there?" And I was like, "No. I have no one there. Except my roommate's parents live there somewhere."
Sarah: But there's a Chipotle.
Kayla: Oh, you better bet the first thing I did was research if there was a Chipotle in New Haven.
Sarah: Of course there are fucking Chipotles.
Kayla: I needed to be sure.
Sarah: Oh my god.
Kayla: Anyway.
Sarah: Okay. I don't have any beef of the week prepared. My beef of the week is I keep just overheating.
Kayla: Sarah was like, "Am I pregnant?"
Sarah: Yeah. No, I keep having basically hot flashes.
Kayla: I think you're having early menopause, which would be good for you because then you don't have to have your period anymore.
Sarah: That would be wonderful. So yeah, it keeps happening and I'm like, "Am I sick?" But I just was sick. I had an ear infection.
Kayla: I'm going to write down the poll because I will five get it.
Sarah: Yeah, I guess that's my beef of the week is that I'm maybe the next Virgin Mary or going through menopause.
Kayla: That would be a spinoff podcast about you being the Virgin Mary, content. Can you say-
Sarah: Jesus Christ.
Kayla: Yeah, Jesus Christ. What would you name your Jesus Christ?
Sarah: What would the gender be?
Kayla: I don't care.
Sarah: Also, do I have to have Jesus Christ.
Kayla: Well he's like your version.
Sarah: No, I know.
Kayla: What is your version of Jesus Christ.
Sarah: But that's what I'm saying.
Kayla: If you're the Virgin Mary, you are having a Jesus Christ.
Sarah: But do I have to have a Jesus Christ?
Kayla: What would you like to have?
Sarah: Well no, I'm saying you can get an abortion these days. Am I allowed to abort Jesus Christ?
Kayla: Oh my god. Is that like a pro life argument? Like if abortion was real, Mary might have aborted Jesus Christ. Do they say that?
Sarah: I think I've heard that.
Kayla: Oh my god. I'm not trying to get that political right now, but bitch.
Sarah: Yeah, because listen, I don't know what my thoughts on myself getting an abortion are because I've never thought about it because it's never been a concern.
Kayla: I've had that thought in passing of like what if I got pregnant right now. Scary mind place to go to.
Sarah: Yeah. Anyway. What's the gender of my Jesus baby?
Kayla: There isn't one because gender isn't real.
Sarah: So should I pick a gender neutral name? I don't know.
Kayla: All right, well that's good. Comment down below or tweet us what Sarah would name her Jesus Christ baby.
Sarah: I do have a list of names that will probably end up going towards dogs, but-
Kayla: Yeah. But I feel like it's different when you're thinking about naming a Jesus Christ, you know?
Sarah: I feel a little special. What would you name a Jesus Christ baby?
Kayla: Tortoise.
Sarah: Tortoise Kaszyca.
Kayla: Tortoise.
Sarah: Tortoise Kaszyca the fucking... Tortoise H. Kaszyca. Jesus Christ baby.
Kayla: What is Jesus' middle name? Because it's Jesus H. Christ.
Sarah: It's just H.
Kayla: Oh, it's just H?
Sarah: It's just H.
Kayla: Interesting.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: I love that for her.
Sarah: I really like the name Saoirse.
Kayla: Can you imagine if the next Jesus was named Saoirse?
Sarah: Everyone will pronounce it wrong, except for the Irish. I almost said the Italians.
Kayla: What?
Sarah: Incorrect. Anyway. Whoa, real tangent there.
Kayla: Shocking.
Sarah: You can find our poll. Tell us about your beef of the week or what you would do with your Jesus baby.
Kayla: Yikes.
Sarah: On our Twitter @soundsfakepod. You can also find us on Tumblr, soundsfakepod.tumblr.com or email us, soundsfakepod@gmail.com. We also have a Discord if you want to come hang out with us. Sometimes me and Kayla pop in. Kayla more often than me, I get very overwhelmed and I have less free time.
Kayla: That's true.
Sarah: Yeah. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Guys, we love our patrons.
Kayla: It's been so wild the past month.
Sarah: It's unbelievable. We were able to switch our podcast providers and now we're working on-
Kayla: We're on Spotify guys.
Sarah: We're on Spotify. How did we get through this much of the episode without mentioning it?
Kayla: Did we not? We mentioned it last time, didn't we? I can't remember anything we've done.
Sarah: I think we did it after.
Kayla: Tea.
Sarah: I don't know. My brain isn't working.
Kayla: Me either, but yes, we did that and now we're working on having a big girl website. We might be rebranding what the podcast looks like.
Sarah: Maybe. Keeping the same color scheme because ace. So you know, but anyway. Anyway. So our two... gotta look at this... are Keith McBlane Roxanne, Aces in Space, Amy and Austin Segal, who's name I said correctly.
Kayla: Whatever.
Sarah: Oh yeah. $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota Austin Le, Drew Finney, and Perry Fiero. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa, who can be found on Twitter @dirtyunclekevin and @tess_m_k. Also Sarah Jones, who I don't think told us what... So Sarah, let us know what-
Kayla: In her honor, I would like to promote the fact that I'm hungry.
Sarah: Okay. She won't shut up about it. We also have Arcness you've been with us for so long friend.
Kayla: I believe Arcness works for the government. So they were unfurloughed recently, and-
Sarah: They might be furloughed again in the next two weeks.
Kayla: Very sorry.
Sarah: But they would like to promote the Trevor Project.
Kayla: Which is so sweet.
Sarah: My phone just fell. Which is very sweet and wonderful.
Kayla: So they provide mental health resources for queer teens and people.
Sarah: It's all about queer kids and helping them out. And then we have an anonymous $10 donor.
Kayla: It's like when you get a secret admirer.
Sarah: Yes and we asked this person if they wanted to promote something anyway, and they told us that this week, at least, they would like to promote spring.
Kayla: Because it's cold out and they've had it.
Sarah: So spring is being promoted by our lovely anonymous patron. And our $15 patron is Nathaniel White. He has a portfolio at nathanieljwhitedesigns.com. He's a professional lighting designer?
Kayla: Yeah. So I was looking at his portfolio, he does for stage productions. He does the lights and stuff, it's very cool.
Sarah: That's cool. So he's like a gaffer.
Kayla: I don't know.
Sarah: Gaff is the word for-
Kayla: I don't know what they call it in the theater.
Sarah: I don't know if it's the same word in the theater. It just says lighting designer. I'm looking at his website.
Kayla: It's pretty neat though. He has some cool pictures. It's really neat.
Sarah: Wow. That is cool. All right. So yeah.
Kayla: Check that out, it's really neat.
Sarah: Check it out. Thank you to all of our patrons. As always, we love you very much.
Kayla: It's wild.
Sarah: To our new patrons, to our old patrons, to our patrons who were once patrons and are no longer patrons-
Kayla: To future patrons.
Sarah: To future patrons.
Kayla: Why do you sound-
Sarah: Are we Saylor J?
Kayla: You sound like an old man in a movie who's a politician.
Sarah: Mixed with Saylor J.
Kayla: Yikes.
Sarah: And a little bit of Jenna Marbles.
Kayla: Okay, I'm over this now.
Sarah: Okay. All right. That's enough of that. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears and have a good or bad Valentine's Day. Whatever suits you.
Kayla: And until then, take good care of your cows.