Ep 73: The Burden of Explaining Asexuality

Sarah: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl named Sarah, that's me.

Kayla: And demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla

Sarah: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.

Kayla: On today's episode, The Burden.

Sounds fake, but okay.

Sarah: Welcome back to the pod.

Kayla: M' pod.

Sarah: No.

Kayla: Okay.

Well, Sarah and I just woke up.

Sarah: We've had quite the week. Sorry.

Kayla: Yeah.

Sarah: What are we talking about this week, Kayla?

Kayla: Oh, I just got a whiff of the chicken biscuit soup in here.

Sarah: I've been eating chicken and a biscuit crackers.

Kayla: And truly they do smell like chicken and a biscuit.

This week we're talking about the burden of...

Sarah: Tell me what the burden is.

Kayla: The burden. It sounds like I'm talking about a period which is...

Sarah: Oh honestly, that is a burden.

Kayla: I'm going to start calling my period "the burden," I think.

Sarah: Good.

Kayla: The burden is when, as an asexual and/or aromantic person...

Sarah: Or just an a-spec person.

Kayla: I can hear in my voice that I just woke up.

Sarah: Yeah, me too.

Kayla: I'm so sorry.

Sarah: It's fine.

Kayla: We've done it sick before. You're all fine.

That when you come out to someone, or if anyone's talking about the a-spec, you have to give your 30-minute TED Talk and it is tiring.

Sarah: And it's just this difficult thing of sometimes I don't want to do that, but I feel obligated to, because who else is going to inform them if I don't?

Kayla: I got myself in a bit of a pickle with the burden recently.

Sarah: Oh?

Kayla: I know. So I'm in... I don't know if you knew this.

Sarah: Are you in a feminism class?

Kayla: Yes! I'm in a feminist media class. And so sometimes we do a lot of reading of articles and stuff, and they're very interesting. You should read about feminism.

Sarah: Okay.

Kayla: Just saying.

And then we'll talk about it in class. And so sometimes the way that articles are written or the stuff we're talking about, I will feel compelled to bring up asexuality, or at least the idea of these articles are assuming that everyone is having sex, or blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

Sarah: Or that everyone wants to have sex.

Kayla: And so there has been several times where I've brought up asexuality in class, 'cause I think it's interesting, because we had a week where we talked about queer stuff, whatever.

Sarah: And especially with the exclusion of the ace community, it's important to just be like, "Hey, fuck you."

Kayla: And sometimes it's very relevant, and it comes up, and I think it's interesting, and no one has told me I'm annoying yet,

But recently we are doing a class period on magazines and women's tip stuff and we read an article that was analyzing the sections of magazines that give women relationship advice, and it's all fucked up and weird. So we did an exercise in class where our teacher found recent articles, and she had us analyze them, and put them into these four categories that this author had theorized.

And she said that... And I'm not mad about this happening, I just think it's interesting, and I can see myself sliding into a sticky spot with it. So she was like, "Oh, I just searched articles that came out in the last month and I assigned you guys in alphabetical order to these articles."

The article that I had was "What it Means to be Aromantic, According to Experts," and I was in that group and I was like, "Is this? This cannot have been... No!"

Sarah: Interesting.

Kayla: And so I wasn't mad, and it was actually quite a good article in my opinion. It was funny because the end of it, and I can tweet it or something, it came out on Valentine's Day, which was funny, but the end was like, "What to do..."

So basically it went through five things of, "If you relate to these you might be aromantic." And I thought that they were fitting, but then the people in my group, who are not a-spec, were like, "But I agree with these and I'm not aromantic." And I was like, "No, no."

But the end of the article was like, "If you think you're aromantic, embrace it! Good for you!" And I was like, "It's not that simple."

Sarah: But what else are they supposed to say?

Kayla: I know. But it was just interesting because I was like, "Ma'am..."

Sarah: They can't see you, Kayla.

Kayla: I'm making the face.

So it just made me wonder. And she was like, "I just put you in alphabetical order." But I was like, "Did you, or did you put me here because you knew that people would need help understanding?"

Sarah: Oh boy.

Kayla: So I'm not mad about it, but I thought it was interesting.

Sarah: That is interesting.

Kayla, are you in a feminism class?

Kayla: Yes. Listen, it's relevant. A lot of the stuff we talk about is very relevant to this podcast. I don't know what you want from me.

Sarah: I don't know.

Kayla: I'm trying to come up with content. We put out one episode a week, and sometimes I'm running low on content.

Sarah: But I think of the problem of this burden is...

Do not spill kombucha all over my rug.

Kayla: I just didn't want to put... That was going to be loud, so I didn't want that noise. But now you asked for it, so you're welcome. Now you can hear my kombucha from Costco.

Sarah: Jesus Christ.

Anyway, part of the problem with this burden of having to explain things comes from the fact that asexuality is a lesser known and lesser accepted sexuality umbrella. So if you are gay and you're like, "Hey, I'm gay." And someone's like, "I don't know what that means." There are a lot of places they can go to be well educated on that. People who aren't gay can explain it to them properly, for the most part. And it's because it's been something that's been a little bit more exposed.

What are you do?

Kayla: I'm cracking my knuckles away from the... I'm trying to be...

Sarah: I will crack my knuckles right in front of all of you.

Kayla: I'm trying to not get in your way while you're talking with my noises and you are just being so rude.

Sarah: Okay, what was I even saying? Oh, okay, gay.

It's just been more broadly mentioned. More people have been exposed to it in the media. And so you're going to have an easier time explaining it to someone, and you may not have to do that explaining. Whereas in the ace community, because there is less exposure in the world, and also because I think it's a little bit more of a difficult concept to grasp, just because you can talk to a straight person and be like they feel just like you except for the same gender, but to explain asexuality and be like, "They have an absence of sexual/romantic/whatever their identity is attraction."

That confuses people because, of course, society tells them that that's natural and everyone is supposed to do that. And so you end up giving this 30-minute TED Talk, and sometimes you just don't want to. And part of the problem... And that sounds like such a, "I don't want to inform people," but as an ace person who has had to do this before, it's exhausting.

And you always run the risk of someone being aphobic. You always run the risk of someone starting an argument with you. And it's like, "That's just not what I want when I'm sitting here on the..." I don't know, "the metro on my way to work." That's not what I want. And I think because the ace community is so small, because the ace community is just less prominent as these other communities, it can be very difficult, because we may be the only person around who can explain it.

And so you feel this obligation to explain it, even when it might put you in an unsafe situation, even when you're just fucking tired and want to go to sleep. I don't know. It's kind of an issue that just... It seems like a small thing, but when it happens to you over, and over, and over again and you're constantly being aware of, "If I have to explain this, or if I slip up and mention it in this situation where I didn't plan on mentioning it..." You can end up down a slippery slope, and that can be difficult.

Kayla: And I think on the grand scheme of things, if you're thinking about every ace person in the world, then it does seem like a small thing. But if you're looking at an individual person, you're just a student, soon-to-be-working lady, who has things to do, is probably tired and stressed. If you think about the individual, that's a lot of emotional toll to put on someone. And it is a big deal.

Sarah: And part of the problem too with the ace community being so small is that often if you do give your 30-minute TED Talk to someone, you're often going to be the only a-spec person that this person knows.

And so you become the face of asexuality. And that can be difficult, because in some ways I do live up to stereotypes of ace people that are not necessarily broadly true, but they are true of me as a person. I'm not a very emotionally there kind of person, but as I've mentioned before, that's not because I'm ace, it's because of other things.

Kayla: It's because of your father.

Sarah: It's me, because of who my family is. But it's difficult because I want to tell people, "This is not representative of what all ace people are like." But then they look at me and I'm the only ace person they know and they're like, "Well, you live up to this stereotype that seems like it might be real."

And then they form all these sorts of false ideas of what asexuality is, and then you have to give another 30-minute TED Talk. And it just can be very difficult being the one person that identifies this way that people know, and the one expert, and then they don't get a variety of... If you're not surrounded by a variety of ace people, they will see you as this monolithic group, and that can be harmful, too.

Kayla: And I think a lot of other marginalized identities do deal with the same thing. I think it's a common thing to think that if you have the one black person in your life, then every time something racist comes...

I was watching this clip from Grey's Anatomy, I think, in class, and this woman was like, "I think..." This white woman was like, "I think I might have accidentally been racist." And her black friend was like, "So you came to me to check if you were being racist?" And I think to a large extent it's like that for gay people, too. If you're the one gay person someone knows, or people of marginalized identities are given the burden to help privileged people understand. So not only are you struggling, and you're marginalized, and you're oppressed, you also now have this burden of doing the work get out of it, too.

Sarah: And it's your responsibility to do that, and if you don't do that, you're seen as either hurting your own community or you're seen as just a dick. So again, this is not specific to the ace community. I think a lot of different marginalized groups definitely experience this.

I think it is very common in the ace community...

Kayla: Because it's so small.

Sarah: Because of the size and the lack of external scope at least, and also just because a lot of a-spec people can pass. And so maybe you know more than one a-spec person, but you just don't know.

Kayla: You don't know that you know.

Sarah: And that is dumb and I hate it.

Kayla: 'Cause I think with bigger communities, and maybe I'm wrong, I'm not in that community, so I don't know, but there must be a chance that not every black, or gay, or trans person has to carry that burden so much. But it seems like to me that, truly, almost every ace person has had at least one experience like this.

It's just because the community is so small, it just happens to everybody.

Sarah: Well, I feel like for other groups, depending on where you are, what community you're in.

Kayla: That's true.

Sarah: So if you are the one gay person in Hick Town, Alabama, then that's going to happen to you a lot. Whereas if you are gay and you live in San Francisco...

Kayla: You're fine.

Sarah: It's going to be different experience. But, I do think that just in general, the ace community who identifies ace, who understand what asexuality is, are more sparsely populated throughout the world.

And I also think it's... Part of the problem, especially why I feel like I have to explain, is because if you just Google asexuality, there's a lot of confusing information, and a lot of misinformation. And I feel an obligation for myself, and for other people, and for the sake of this person who's asking to properly educate that person. And I know that the odds of them properly educating themselves without me are, maybe low.

Kayla: We should do an episode that is just the TED Talk that you give people, and then we could give it to people and be like, "Hey, you don't want to give that TED Talk? Here, play this episode for them."

Sarah: Here's your TED Talk.

Actually, I do have an idea. For those of you who've had to give that TED Talk, what are some of the questions that you've been asked?

Kayla: We should make an FAQ on our website of, "What the dick is asexuality?"

Sarah: "What the dick is asexuality?"

Kayla: It doesn't match, does it?

Sarah: 'Cause I think those sorts of things exist, but I think they're not the first things that come up, necessarily.

And I think there's a lot of really good information on AVEN, but AVEN has so much information that I think it's some, at least the forums, and the boards, and stuff, there's so much there, which is amazing. But it can be overwhelming.

And it can be confusing.

Kayla: To someone not in the community. I feel like I can go on AVEN and suss out what's going on, but I know there's a board on AVEN that's for friends and family that may be confused, but your 50-year-old mom really know how to go on a board on AVEN? I don't know.

Sarah: And I think the more that this information is repeated on the internet, the better off we are, because then it becomes more accessible to people. And I'm not saying that our website gets a ton of traffic, because I have no idea what the traffic on our website is.

Kayla: I've looked recently, we're not high on that Google search engine yet.

Sarah: So I think, but just the sheer volume of accurate, thoughtful information explaining the a-spec identity, a-spec identities and the a-spec community, that matters. Because the more information we have out there, the better off the community is going to be, the less likely it is that people are going to have to start giving this TED Talk every time.

Kayla: There can never be too much information. It's not like we can put something on a website and then everyone's going to be like, "No, I already saw that."

Sarah: "Literally, how dare you tell me what asexuality is in simple and basic terminology!"

Kayla: It's fine. It okay.

Sarah: But I think that could be a fun thing that we could do. But I would like to know what questions people have been asked, because I feel like there are some that are very common that are like, "So you don't date?"

And then some that might be a little bit more ignorant, that can be trickier to answer. And I would like to hear about people's experiences. I guess we already have a poll.

Kayla: Yes.

Well, I do think it'd be really cool to crowdsource this, and maybe even if we made an FAQ page, having quotes from some of our listeners of how they would answer the questions. We could answer a lot of these questions, but it's just going to be our two personal experiences

Sarah: And we don't want to be the monolithic face of asexuality.

Kayla: And we've talked about how our experiences are very specific and very different from a lot of people.

Sarah: We're also two white girls in suburban Michigan.

Kayla: We're in Ann Arbor.

Sarah: So we're going to have a very different experience.

Kayla: So I think it'd be cool to crowdsource some quotes of what would you say to someone that asked this? Or what's your experience?

Wow. What a fun spring break activity.

Sarah: What an idea we just had, live on the pod.

Kayla: Live on the pod, coming to you with content ideas.

Sarah: Amazing.

Kayla: Doesn't happen often. So here we go.

Sarah: Okay, do people...

Kayla: Tell it to me.

Sarah: Do people who don't want to give this TED Talk always, on one hand, I want to make them feel better about that, because you have no obligation to do this, but on the other hand I...

Here we are again with Sarah and her guilt.

Kayla: Tea! Is this last week?

Sarah: I feel, personally, an obligation to explain for the sake of myself and others. So I guess, do we have any advice for people who are just like, "I don't want to do this right now?"

Kayla: Well, I also wonder if part of the reason you feel obligated is because we do this podcast.

Sarah: That's possible.

Kayla: Because, and correct me if I'm wrong, or if I'm just maybe projecting my own feelings about it, but it's like, "I already talk about this at least once a week, and I already do so much that what's what's holding me back from doing it again?"

Now that we put ourselves as public faces, we've branded ourselves as that person.

Sarah: And I feel as well for me, it's now that I... 'Cause I didn't personally know too many a-spec people before we did this, but now...

Kayla: Now we know at least 50.

Sarah: Now we know a lot. And so I feel like for their sake, for the sake of the people who are going to come after them, I want to educate people.

Kayla: And we have the Discord where a lot of people that listen go and talk, and I call them our children and part of it...

Sarah: They are our children. That probably doesn't make the guilt any better.

Kayla: Well, and they call us "our moms."

The other day, they were like, "Our moms! Don't be mean to our moms!" And it was very cute.

Sarah: Oh my God.

Kayla: But it does make me feel incredibly responsible for them. And at this point, anytime I see aphobic stuff online, I'm not so worried about myself as I don't want them to see this, which is like, "What am I doing?"

Sarah: Protect the children.

Kayla: But it is. So it's hard because then you feel an extra obligation, I think, for us. Which is now we're just boohooing ourselves.

Sarah: Boohoo!

Kayla: But it's like...

Sarah: Our life is so hard.

Kayla: It's an interesting thing to think about.

I guess for advice for people that... I guess if it's coming up, and someone is trying to use you for information... That sounds bad. You know what I mean?

Sarah: You're being used.

Kayla: They must know that you're asexual or aromantic.

Sarah: Or they see you as an expert in some way.

Kayla: Right. So I guess a way to maybe think about it, and maybe feel better, is by being there...

There's a caveat to this, too. Okay, I'm going to say this and then I'm going to backtrack a little bit. By being out and people knowing you're aromantic and asexual, that is something. That is a small... 'Cause then at least they know it exists. However, that's not to say that you need to be out, or if you're not out, that you're not doing something.

Sarah: And I think part of it too is, not to self promo, but if we are going to add that little bit to our website, I feel like on days where you're just like, "I can't do this right now."

Find a good trusted source, whether that's AVEN, whether it's us, don't just Google asexuality. Be like, "You know what? Right now, no. However, here's this really good resource that you can go to and learn more."

Kayla: And we can even on our page put... We could, I'm just expanding our website as we go.

Sarah: Oh, go. Oh, go?

Kayla: Oh, go! Go! Leave right now. Leave the office. The office, it's Sarah's bedroom.

Sarah: They know that.

Kayla: I know, but sometimes it's funny.

But we can even put there or somewhere else, other good resources, other good links.

Sarah: That'd be wonderful.

Kayla: So if you guys find something that you're like, "Hey, this is really helpful. I think this is a really good accurate source."

Sarah: Ash Hardell's ABCs of LGBT, the asexual videos. They're very in depth, but they're also very helpful.

Kayla: Didn't you show those to your mom?

Sarah: I showed them to my mom.

Kayla: When you came out to your mom, you were like, "Here, watch these." Which is an excellent example of like, "I can't fully explain this to you, or I can't do this right now. Here, watch some videos."

Sarah: And then if you have questions about that, then you can come back to me with them and I can answer them when I...

Kayla: Am not in Germany.

Sarah: Yeah, that's basically what happened.

Kayla: So much to do!

Good thing we're at be at the airport for five years today.

Sarah: Yay. But, I guess I think... I'm never in a position where I just...

Okay, here's the one thing. If it's an unsafe situation, and this person is being ignorant in a way that you don't think can be rectified by one person, if they are putting you in danger somehow, whether that's like they're going to beat you up or whether they're saying things that make you feel very unsafe, you have no obligation to explain yourself to them.

You say what you need to say to get out of that situation. But if you are in a situation where that doesn't seem to be the case, then I think... I wouldn't call it an obligation, but I feel like, at least for me, there is this urge to want to inform. And so whether you sit there and you do your 30-minute TED Talk, or you direct them to some other resources, whether you carry around pamphlets in your bag.

Kayla: Yes!

Sarah: I think there are multiple ways to TED Talk them without having to TED Talk them.

Kayla: And I think it's also hard because for us, this is obviously a very public thing now, but for other people, and for us to an extent, it is a very private thing.

Sarah: And there are times when I'm in a situation where it's just like, I don't necessarily feel unsafe, but I'm just like, "I don't know how this person's going to react, and I don't know if this will turn into an unsafe situation."

And so I may err on the side of caution. I may try to pass as straight and you don't have to feel bad about protecting your own identity. Or also if you don't feel comfortable... A lot of times I feel like in this situation, I think this is what you were getting at, is that people might ask you very personal questions about your own personal experience, and you don't have to answer those.

Kayla: No.

Sarah: If someone asks you a question that you are uncomfortable with answering, you can talk about it in broader terms.

If someone's like, "So do you masturbate?" You can be like, "Well, some ace people do and some don't."

Kayla: And then it's like every other person.

Sarah: And then if they keep pushing it, then maybe try and get yourself out of the situation.

Kayla: Walk away.

And maybe this is a very American sentiment, or Western sentiment, but you come first. Your safety and how comfortable you are, do come first in these situations. And if you do feel comfortable, then you can think about the broader community and what you can do for it.

Sarah: And I think that's what this is all boiling down to, is if you are in a safe position to stand up for the community, to help inform others about what this thing is and help make the world more accepting of asexuality, and the ace umbrella, by all means do it. But, at the end of the day, your own personal safety matters before that.

Kayla: What's interesting is that I haven't had many instances where my personal sexuality has come up, and the times it has have been not great, but I do talk to people a lot about asexuality and aromanticism, but I wonder if I'm so comfortable doing it because it is removed from me, and I can talk about it without having to worry about it being about my personal experiences.

Sarah: That's fair, and I think that's what can make it very difficult is when people start asking the personal questions. If you are, like you, if you're demi, and you don't necessarily identify with aro or ace, then it's very easy to be like, "Well, that isn't my personal experience, but here is a cross-section of what some other people's experiences are."

Kayla: I often struggle with being on the boundary of both communities, the straight and the ace community, but I guess... Maybe this is just me therapizing myself, but a good thing about it is that I am, when talking to someone outside the community, can step out and be an outsider with them and be like, "Hey, I sympathize with you. I, too am a bit outside, but here's my knowledge."

So it's easier for me to step out, and not feel so personal with it, and maybe it doesn't feel as personal when people ask me.

Sarah: Or for me, I feel very entrenched in this identity/community. And so if I were to step out, I would feel like I was being dishonest about my own experience. And I think that's a very different situation. And so you just need to do what is right for you, and if that means that you maybe feel less effective in educating others, then that's okay.

You do what you can, and sometimes what you can is a lot, and some of it is not a lot. And that's just the way of the world, y'all.

Kayla: How it be.

Sarah: That is just how it be.

Okay. So, what if, Kayla...

Kayla: Yes?

Sarah: You are the person who's trying to educate yourself on a certain topic, whether that be the ace umbrella, whether that be on racism in America, regardless of what it is, but you are the person, whether you're a person of privilege or just a person who's not in that community, who's trying to educate themselves.

How should you go about trying to find accurate... Not accurate. I mean, yes, accurate information, but if there's a person in your life who you know can ask, how do you go about doing that?

Kayla: Well, I'm trying to think, because this did happen for me in asexuality. Our freshman year, or right after when you came out, or whatever. I found out.

Sarah: Whatever I did.

Kayla: What did I do? Do you remember what I did?

Sarah: You were just like, "Oh, okay."

Kayla: Did I ask you any questions or did I go off on my own?

Sarah: I don't recall you asking me any questions. I feel like the questions came later when I was talking a little bit more openly about it.

Kayla: Wow. Good for me. So I'm assuming I just... Because I truly don't know if I had known what asexuality was before that.

Sarah: Or at least had a very good grasp on it.

Kayla: So I'm assuming I just went off on my own and everything ended up fine.

Sarah: And that there is a certain danger in that because you don't want to find resources that are inaccurate or harmful to the community. But I think, use your brain and I think you can tell which resources are...

Look at who's creating the resources and look at what... Is it a-spec people who are creating the resources? Is it the friends and family of a-spec people who are creating the resources? Or is it some rando who says ace people don't belong in the community?

Kayla: I think it is hard 'cause I'm working on a project that has to do with asexuality, and so... Maybe I talked about this before.

Sarah: I don't know. I think you mentioned it.

Kayla: But I was doing research, and even academic articles I was reading and I was like, "No, none of this is right."

So it is hard because things that you would assume would know what they're talking about, and are smart, it's like, "Nah."

Sarah: It's difficult. But I think if you really want to educate yourself on this, and I feel like in this situation, this person seems like they would, don't be afraid to dive deep.

And then if you have questions about certain things, you can ask the people in your life who may know these things without having to be like, "So I need you to explain everything." Ask specific questions you have rather than ask them to walk you through it.

Kayla: Explain it all for you. And I don't think it's a bad thing to do of when you first find out, be like, "Oh, that's interesting. Do you know of anything I could read or find that would tell me more?"

Sarah: And maybe they're happy to give you a TED Talk, and maybe they'll do it, but you can't assume that they are.

Kayla: And I think asking for resources is a good way to show that you're interested and you want to know more without obligating them to give you that TED Talk.

Sarah: We live in the age of the internet. The internet is a wonderful thing. It can sometimes be awful. But in terms of... There is nothing better on the planet that is more accessible, at least to certain people, that is more... Has broad amounts of information, you can go deep on pretty much anything. The internet is a wonderful resource in this situation. You just have to be thoughtful about what sources you're looking at.

Kayla: But I think it could be a good idea to ask them beforehand if they have any good resources. Or you're like, after you research be like, "Hey, I found this is accurate to you or what you know?"

Sarah: And I feel like, also, you are going to find conflicting stuff on the internet, and I think you just have to use your brain and maybe sometimes your brain will lead you astray because the social order conditions you to think a certain way. But that's, I think, where you bring in other people that you might know in real life.

And frankly, other people who may even be members of those communities may not be the wokest on certain things, and you might not always get perfect information, and that's just the way of things. But I think as long as you're keeping your brain open to learning new things and better understanding things, then you are in the right place.

Kayla: I do think that's hard, especially about asexuality, though, is because there's such a variety of experiences that you truly could find a lot of conflicting or a variety of information and it might all be true, but it also might be very confusing for you of like, "Why is there so much variety? What's the objective truth?"

Sarah: And if you don't understand it can be very difficult to wade through the information and figure out, "Okay, what is just straight up false, versus what is..."

Kayla: False for some people?

Sarah: What is false for some people? What is a definition of asexuality that is talking about plants and not people?

Kayla: Oh no.

Sarah: The fact that there's more than one definition of asexuality that are completely valid because they apply to different living organisms can be very confusing for people.

But I feel like if you're the kind of person who really wants to learn and understand, you won't look at that and be like, "So you're a plant." You'll look at it and be like, oh, they're just... Lots of words have two different definitions."

And you just got to work with it. And I think just keep yourself open to learning new things. And that's honestly the best advice I can give people, just in life, is keep yourself open to learning new things.

Kayla: Don't be a dick and just be open to other people's ideas and experiences.

Sarah: But no one is ever obligated to give you a TED Talk, unless you're at a TED Talk, and they're the person who's supposed to give you the TED Talk.

Kayla: What if we become so famous that we give a TED Talk on asexuality?

Sarah: You don't have to be famous to give a TED Talk.

Kayla: You have to be like... We had a TED Talk at my high school. Well, we could do Ted X.

Sarah: But it's a big boy TED Talk.

Kayla: But I'm assuming the guy that started AVEN has probably already been to TED. There's no way he hasn't.

Sarah: I've seen a TED Talk of his before.

Kayla: All right.

Sarah: Well anyway...

Kayla: It's too late for us, I think, to do TED X at U of M, but we can imagine that we could.

Sarah: The only time anyone is obligated to give you a TED Talk is if they're literally at TED and their name is on the sheet.

Kayla: Then if they didn't give it to you, maybe you could be mad.

Sarah: I might be a little upset. But if they had a good reason.

Kayla: If they were sick.

Sarah: If they died on the way there.

Kayla: On the way there.

Sarah: Yeah. Halfway there.

Kayla: And they were like, "I got to die."

Sarah: Drop dead. It's time. Oh yeah, this is my time.

Kayla: Jonny Sun, who is an illustrator and a writer, an amazing human, is doing a TED Talk soon, and someone tweeted him and they were like, "Please start and end it with 'Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.'" And he was like, "I'm not brave enough, but it'd be so funny."

Sarah: Oh, that's amazing. And I think if, we're back to the receiving end of people who are being asked for TED Talks, but I think if you are on the receiving end of someone who is genuinely curious, and you can tell they're not just trying to be inflammatory, and you can tell, they just want to understand, also just appreciate the fact that they're trying, and don't be a dick to them.

You might be having a horrible day, and you might not be wanting to give a TED Talk...

Kayla: But say that.

Sarah: And you don't have to give them a TED Talk, but I think just being patient with them so that you don't turn them away from the community and from learning. Earlier, I was trying to think of a phrase and it was "all encompassing," that was the phrase. I couldn't think of it, and now it's in my head, but I can't find a good place to use it, so I'm just going to tell you: all encompassing.

Kayla: Sarah, you can't just say words to people.

Sarah: Isn't that what this podcast is?

Kayla: But usually they're in a string of other words!

Sarah: That was is a string of other words. Anyway...

Kayla: It's a stretch.

Sarah: But you don't... Obviously, no human has endless patience. I sure don't. But I think just acknowledging whichever side you're on, acknowledging the humanity and the, hopefully, good intentions of the other person is important.

Do you have anything else to add about this burden?

Kayla: Not really. I would just love to hear... I would love to spend... I just like spending my free time on this podcast anyway.

Sarah: You spend so much time in the Discord, and I'm never up-to-date.

Kayla: Well, I only am taking seven credits and it's just fun.

Sarah: And then I'm always dying.

Kayla: Yeah, you're busy. I don't know, I just have fun. I need friends.

Sarah: I just have fun.

Kayla: I just have fun. But I would love to like...

Oh, I have to sneeze.

Sarah: Bless you.

Kayla: It went away.

Sarah: That is exactly how that works. Continue.

Kayla: I would love to build out this resource page or this FAQ page. So, I want people to come with us with, "Here's a question I usually get asked, and here's how I answer it." Or, "Here's a good resource I found."

Sarah: Well, I think... Let's jump to the poll. I think we should have an open-ended poll where we ask, what are questions that have been asked of you? And if you'd like to say how you've answered them, you can. Also, people who maybe aren't in the a-spec community, or even if they are, there are certain things that they still don't understand. What are questions you have? And please don't be a dick about asking them, but ask them.

Kayla: Now is your time.

Sarah: Now is your time. We're here telling us that we're willing to give you a TED Talk, so ask away.

Kayla: And would you guys be interested in just a TED Talk episode that's just us giving the TED Talk? 'Cause that could be interesting.

Sarah: It might be interesting. We could also see what different things we come up with.

Kayla: Because I do think it'd be interesting. 'Cause when we do this podcast, we assume that everyone knows what asexuality and aromanticism is, jumping in. Because if you don't, what you doing here?

Sarah: You're still welcome here.

Kayla: Yeah, but how'd you get here?

Sarah: But how'd you end up here?

Kayla: I'm curious. It would be interesting to have that episode that we could give people of, "If you found us, and you are very confused, here, start here."

Sarah: Here is where to start so that you understand what's going on and you're informed. Cool.

What is your Beef of the Week? I used to always prepare Beef of the Week, and recently I've just been forgetting. Is it because I have less beef?

My beef of the week is the thing that my brain does when I am not caught up on schoolwork. When I get behind, instead of being like, "Let's do the schoolwork!" My brain is like, "I'm stressed, so I'm going to shut down and do nothing." And that's my Beef of the Week, because I missed a couple days of school this week, and my brain was like, "Ah!"

Kayla: Just like that?

Sarah: Yeah. And so I didn't like that.

Kayla: My Beef of the Week is that... I'm not even that mad about it, but it is funny that I had to do this, is that I've driven to the airport four times... I'm going to have driven to the airport four times in the past three days. Fun!

Sarah: But that last time it's going to be me and you.

Kayla: It's going to be lit. It's true.

Sarah: We're going to go somewhere.

Kayla: And to my boyfriend that's listening to this, I'm not mad at you that your flight got canceled at night to drive back and get you. This is not a call-out, but it is little bit. Sorry.

Sarah: Amazing.

All right, well you can find our open-ended poll/tell us about your Beef of the Week, the life, whatever, on our Twitter @SoundsFakePod. We also have a website, soundsfakepod.com.

Kayla: I made that. It's mediocre.

Sarah: Woo-hoo! It's fantastic. But also mediocre.

Kayla: Hey!

Sarah: I'm trying to have it be interesting enough that they go to it without setting their expectations too high.

Kayla: Ooh! Here's how we'll pitch it.

Sarah: Okay.

Kayla: I have only made maybe five websites in my life and I just made this one that's now real because it's a real dot com.

Did I fuck it up? Is it ugly? You have to find out!

Sarah: But also don't yell at us.

Kayla: Also if it's ugly, please don't tell me that. I'm so fragile.

Sarah: Be kind about your critiques.

Kayla: Is this constructive criticism? If not, don't say it.

Sarah: Yes. Or you can also email us, soundsfakepod@gmail.com.

And if you're like, "Wow, you seem to have a lot of places I can find you now." Our website will be your little hub for that. You can have links to our Tumblr, to our everything.

Kayla: It does. It does have that.

Sarah: But, when in doubt, it's just sounds fake pod.

Kayla: Just Google that. We might be like the 60th thing to pop up on Google somehow, but if you keep Googling it...

Sarah: It will go up.

Kayla: We'll eventually get up there.

Sarah: Good.

Kayla: I think that's how it works, at least. I don't understand SEO. I think that's how it works anyway.

Sarah: But yeah, you can find those things there. We also have a Patreon if you'd like to...

Kayla: We got some new Patrons recently.

Sarah: We did?

Kayla: I put them in the list. Okay. Don't you worry, I got it all in there for you.

Sarah: I'm behind.

If you'd like to give us your money, you can do so via Patreon, or you can just give us money once at our PayPal.

Kayla: And you can find those on the website.

Sarah: On the website. Soundsfakepod@gmail.com.

Kayla: Under "donate."

Sarah: Yes! So for our patrons, people who give us money monthly, you kind, kind souls. Our $2 patrons are Keith McBlain, Roxanne, Alice is in space, Amy, Austin Siegel, Anonymous, and Quinn Pollock. That is a fun fucking name.

Kayla: He's in the Discord now. I like the name Quinn.

Sarah: He's an exciting boy.

Kayla: Quinn is a great name.

Sarah: He popped in the Discord. It was like, "Welcome Quinn." And then someone else in the Discord was already talking and they were like, "I need help coding for my project, can anyone help me?"

And Quinn was like, "I know I just got here, but yes, I can help you." And then they helped them on their homework. It was very cute. Very fun.

That's amazing. I named a character in my last screenplay, Quinn.

Anyway, our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa. You can find them on Twitter @DirtyUncleKevin And @TessaMK.

We also have Sarah Jones who can be found on Eternaloli. Sarah changed her name on our Discord to Eternal Aioli.

Kayla: I know. And that pleased me so much.

Sarah: Y'all are a blessing. You can find her at all those places. Also, we still have... Jesus.

Kayla: Jesus is a patron?!

Sarah: Jesus is a patron. This just in.

Kayla, why is some of this in a different font?

Kayla: Is it? Maybe I copied and pasted.

Sarah: It's in Arial.

Kayla: Maybe I copy and pasted it, sorry.

Sarah: Okay. We also have Arcness who would like to promote the Trevor Project.

Kayla: They were off the list for a while, somehow. They're not a new patron, and we said them one time, and then they weren't on the list anymore.

Sarah: Oh no.

Kayla: And I was looking at it and I was like, "What?"

Sarah: Oh no. Did we forget to say your name? I'm sorry.

Kayla: We might have. I'm very sorry.

Sarah: I'll say it twice right now. Arcness would like to promote the Trevor Project. That does sound familiar.

Kayla: I'm very sorry.

Sarah: I'm sorry.

Kayla: You're also a lovely person in our Discord.

Sarah: Our $15 patrons are...

Kayla: Oh my God.

Sarah: Nathaniel White. You can find his website, his portfolio at nathanieljwhitedesigns.com.

Kayla: And Nathan, Nathaniel, sorry. I don't know if you go by Nathan. That's very presumptive of me.

We are doing your episode that you've requested soon. It coming. It coming.

Sarah: We just need a little bit more life experience before we do it.

Kayla: Yes. But it coming.

Sarah: For reasons that you'll understand and no one else will.

Kayla: Don't you worry. This is a private message to Nathaniel.

Sarah: And we have our anonymous donor who I think would still like to promote Spring, but they got bumped up to $15. So thank you very much for the Spring lover.

Kayla: They wanted to extra promote Spring.

Oh, we need to ask them what they want their web... We need their website.

Sarah: I'm not just building websites for people, Kayla, what?!

Kayla: Oh no.

Okay. Well thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.

Until then, take good care of your cows.