Ep 8: Online Dating
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Online dating.
BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro music*
KAYLA: Hey guys, welcome back. Listen, this is going to be an interesting episode because me and Sarah have just had a weekend.
SARAH: We've had a weekend.
KAYLA: Sarah was at a Quidditch tournament.
SARAH: Things happened.
KAYLA: Things went wrong, people got hurt.
SARAH: Like, physically.
KAYLA: Physically. People died.
SARAH: No one died.
KAYLA: They didn't.
SARAH: There are still people in Ohio right now.
KAYLA: They had to leave people behind.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I got a tattoo yesterday. For some reason, it was the most exhausting experience of my life. I almost fell asleep during it.
SARAH: It's a cool tattoo, though.
KAYLA: Thanks. Hit up my Twit if you want to see it. Hell yeah.
SARAH: What's today's episode about, Kayla?
KAYLA: Today we're talking about online dating, because we had our lovely patrons vote and that's what they voted for.
SARAH: We have two patrons on Patreon these days. You'll hear more about them later.
KAYLA: We have two patrons. Hell yeah. So online dating. So I personally met my significant other on –
SARAH: Your significant author? Author.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: He authored me some Tinder messages.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: I met him on Tinder and we talked for not that long, and then he was like, let's go out. Listen, here's the thing. All right. So, all right.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Doing great. So it was after freshman year, and I had had some boy issues that year, things were going badly.
SARAH: Can I just say, I was very shocked when you were like, I think I have a boyfriend. I was like, wait, what? Because you hadn't said anything.
KAYLA: Wait, we'll get to that.
SARAH: All right, sorry.
KAYLA: Okay. So I had some boy issues freshman year and I was like, I don’t even, I'm done. So me and some high school friends were hanging out at my house over the summer and we were like, let's just do it.
SARAH: Do what? (laughs)
KAYLA: Fuck it, let's just get a Tinder. Because I was done with men. I was like, this is dumb. My friends were also just done and we were like, let's just do it. And I'd been thinking about getting one for a while, but my one friend from home was like, Kayla, do you really want one or do you want attention? And I was like, I don't know.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Both. All of it. So I got it and I talked to – Okay, so there's Tinder horror stories, right? I never had someone be creepy to me.
SARAH: That's good.
KAYLA: It's good, but I feel left out. So I've never had someone be creepy. Some people would - I’d just talk to guys, and they'd ask me out and then I would just ghost them.
SARAH: That's my preferred method.
KAYLA: They'd be like, hey, this thing's going on tonight, do you want to go? And I'd just not answer because I was like, I'm afraid. I'm scared. Because I was just using it for shits, I wasn't expecting anything. I was just bored and sad.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: And I started talking to Patrick, who is my boyfriend now, and he was nice and we were bad at flirting and it was whatever. So then we talked for a while and then I gave him my number, and he was like, we should go out. And I was like, what?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: I was scared, I was so scared. We went out to Noodles and Co –
SARAH: Classy.
KAYLA: Because he's a classy lady. And I had my one friend walk me halfway there because I thought I was going to die.
SARAH: Wait, who?
KAYLA: Nathan.
SARAH: Nathan? Oh my God.
KAYLA: Nathan walked me halfway there because I was like, ugh. And then my parents knew. For some reason I was like, I'm going to tell my parents.
SARAH: Why did I not know?
KAYLA: Where were you?
SARAH: Home. It was over the summer.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: I'm kind of salty that you didn't tell me until you were, like –
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: I have no idea.
SARAH: I hate you.
KAYLA: I don't know, I don't remember.
SARAH: Tell us about this classy noodles date, Kayla.
KAYLA: It was great. They had to kick us out of the restaurant because we were just talking and being like, boop, boop. So it was cute. Anyway. But I was scared, and I told my parents and they were like, well, someone should go with you. And I was like, I'm not doing that. It's noodles. I'm not going to get murdered. Whatever. Where was I going? Anyway, that's how I met my boyfriend on Tinder. It was weird because neither of us were – We talked about this last week. I'm not a huge fan of hookups, he doesn't really do that just because he doesn't feel like it, I guess. I don't know, whatever. So we actually went on a date. We met on Tinder, which I feel like is usually sort of a hookup thing, and we're like, we're going to go to noodles.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So it's kind of weird, but then I like to joke I have 100% accuracy rate on Tinder, because he's the first guy I went out with and now we've been dating for a year.
SARAH: Yeah. How long did he have a Tinder before?
KAYLA: He had had the Tinder since he's been at college.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So he does not have 100% success rate.
KAYLA: No. So he had been on a few Tinder dates before that went terribly. The girls were racist or crazy.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: So I always joke, like, why the fuck did you ask me out? What were you thinking? Because he had such bad experiences, and I was like, what? We'd only talked for a little bit and he was like, hey, I know this is kind of soon, but do you want to go out? And I was like, (mumbles).
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Not sure. So yeah, he had had a Tinder since freshman year, didn't use it a ton. Mostly when he was drunk, I think.
SARAH: Drunken boy.
KAYLA: Just swipe around. I always swiped at work when I was bored.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I was just bored, you know.
SARAH: Good, good.
KAYLA: Wait, so yeah, I told you, I think I have a boyfriend.
SARAH: You told me, it was a couple of days – I don't know, how long after that first date did you become official, as they say?
KAYLA: Our first date was in June sometime I think, and our anniversary of when we were like, we're dating now, is July 6th.
SARAH: And you texted me on July 7th.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: And it was in a group chat, too.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: She didn't just text me.
KAYLA: What is wrong with me?
SARAH: She texted to a group chat with two other people in it and I was like, bitch? Because I didn't see it coming because you had just been (confused sounds) Kayla, what?
KAYLA: It was a quick turnaround from this other boy issue that I'd been having. I was like, well now I'm getting a Tinder, now I’ve got a boyfriend.
SARAH: I didn't know how to react. I was like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I was in a different city than you, I was just like –
KAYLA: You still don't know him very well.
SARAH: I don't. I really don't know him very well at all.
KAYLA: Because you were in Germany, when we –
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Me and Sarah's other friends and roommates know him quite well and we've all hung out together.
SARAH: I just don't know him.
KAYLA: Sarah and Patrick really are the same person.
SARAH: But I don't know him.
KAYLA: But you don't know him that well at all.
SARAH: Which is very weird because you've been dating him half the time I've known you.
KAYLA: Yeah. Ew. Yeah.
SARAH: But I don't know him.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, I talk about you to him a lot and I talk about him to you a lot, but you guys don't know each other.
SARAH: Yeah. Right.
KAYLA: We need to have a retreat. Just the three of us.
SARAH: Listen, I've had two retreats for different works recently, so can we use a different word than retreat?
KAYLA: A party. Just sitting. We won't drink, we'll just sit.
SARAH: That is a social gathering?
KAYLA: But just three of us. We'll have a sit.
SARAH: Just a sit.
KAYLA: Anyway. So basically, I guess I have weird feelings about online dating because it worked for me.
SARAH: Well, my sister.
KAYLA: Yeah, your sister.
SARAH: My sister met her current girlfriend who, they've also been dating for more than a year.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: They also met on Tinder.
KAYLA: Right. It's weird because I have obviously a good experience with it. I didn't even get the creepy messages that you always see people posting about.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I know several people that have met online and it's working out. But then I have other friends that have been on it and have had horrible times, and have had people saw awful stuff to them, and it just really kills their self-esteem. So I don't even know what I think about it because it's just such a bizarre place.
SARAH: Yeah, I don't know. I feel like it really just depends on – I don't want to say what kind of people you attract because that makes it seem like it's your fault. But there are just very, very – I mean, that's true of any part of the internet that everyone has very varying experiences.
KAYLA: I also wonder if it was kind of situational because it was over the summer, and I was staying here in Ann Arbor, so there wasn't as many people around.
SARAH: Fewer people. Yeah.
KAYLA: So it was kind of just the people that were there for the summer, so I'm wondering if there was just, for some reason, less creepy people. And I was only on it for a couple weeks before I met Patrick and I was like, well, I guess I'm done.
SARAH: Yeah. Bye.
KAYLA: So I don't know if I had stayed on longer if I would have met them. This is why I always urge our friends to get Tinder. Not because I want them to – I want them to find people, whatever. But really, I just feel left out that I didn't get to have weird experiences.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: One time I made my friend get one, and we made it to the oldest men possible.
SARAH: Oh my God, I hate it.
KAYLA: And we were looking at all the creepy old men on Tinder. It was creepy. There's a lot of older people on Tinder. It was weird.
SARAH: I hate it. Ew. I guess old people got to find love, too, if they want to.
KAYLA: I guess, but, like, no. Not here. Not now.
SARAH: Not here, not now.
(10:00)
KAYLA: Yeah. So I've had really weird conversations with other people on my other friends' Tinders.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: All right. So I looked up some stats.
SARAH: Stats.
KAYLA: On just online dating in general, not just Tinder. I'm talking about Tinder because I feel like, especially at college, that's kind of what most people use.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But it started with Eharmony and that is how online dating started and stuff.
SARAH: Right. Yeah.
KAYLA: So I'm going to have Sarah guess some stats and see what you think of them.
SARAH: I'm really bad at guessing numbers, estimating, any sort of number thing, so this is going to be-
KAYLA: This is going to be great.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: How many number – What?
SARAH: Hmmm.
KAYLA: How many single people do you think there are in the US?
SARAH: Are we including children? (laughs)
KAYLA: I don't know. I didn't make this stat.
SARAH: Well then, how am I supposed – Oh my God. Okay, there are about 330 million people in the United States.
KAYLA: I didn't even know that.
SARAH: There are.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: I just don't know if we should include children, Kayla.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Okay. If we're including children, how many children would that be?
KAYLA: Bitch, why?
SARAH: Listen, you made me do this. I'm going to say –
KAYLA: Okay, do we want to skip this one?
SARAH: 200.
KAYLA: Just 200, total.
SARAH: 220 million. I don't know.
KAYLA: There's 54 million.
SARAH: That doesn't include children, Kayla. There's no way that includes children.
KAYLA: Why would I know? Anyway, so out of those –
SARAH: There are more children than that, Kayla. I don't know.
KAYLA: Out of those 54 million adults who are single, how many of them do you think have tried online dating?
SARAH: 40%.
KAYLA: I don't know the percentage. It's 49 million people.
SARAH: That's most of them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Isn't that weird?
SARAH: I feel lonely. Not lonely, but alone in my attempts to not have any online dating.
KAYLA: Maybe there's online dating apps for friends. That's technically how Tinder markets itself is just like, "For meeting people."
SARAH: Well, I've made friends on the internet.
KAYLA: Well, that's not a dating site, Sarah.
SARAH: I know. But I know people who have met significant others there.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's true.
SARAH: So, bitch.
KAYLA: Bitch. Okay, let's see.
SARAH: That's rude.
KAYLA: That's a lot of people.
SARAH: That's rude that only five million people.
KAYLA: I mean, that's a lot of people. It's a lot of people.
SARAH: Listen.
KAYLA: What do you think the average length of a courtship, so the average marriage length for people that met online?
SARAH: Oh my God. Oh, that's difficult. Like, if they get married and they met online?
KAYLA: Yes. Wait, no. Average length of courtship for marriages. I actually don't know what that means. Before they got married?
SARAH: So the average length that they dated before you got married, if they got married and if they met online, is my guess.
KAYLA: Sure. Yep, mm-hmm.
SARAH: I feel like if you're online dating, if you're young, you might date forever before you get married, but if we're talking adults who are like, "I'm not married! I need to find someone now!" I feel like it's probably not that long.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I'm going to say a year.
KAYLA: It's 18 months.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But for people that met offline, it's 42 months.
SARAH: Yeah. Wow. That's weird.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Huh, why do we think people who we meet online are better? Not better suited to us, but maybe more confidence in those relationships?
KAYLA: I don't know. A lot of dating apps, you fill out whole compatibility forms.
SARAH: Not Tinder.
KAYLA: Not Tinder. It's more like the websites.
SARAH: Eharmony.
KAYLA: Eharmony or Match.com, you fill out compatibility things, so I wonder, yeah, if people are just more-
SARAH: They trust it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Wild.
KAYLA: Okay. Of marriages last year, what percent of them were couples that met online?
SARAH: People who got married last year?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm. Of all the marriages last year, how many of them were because people met online?
SARAH: 45%.
KAYLA: 17%.
SARAH: Oh man, I went way too high.
KAYLA: Yeah. Percent of current committed relationships that began online.
SARAH: In total?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm. Currently. Right now.
SARAH: Like, 9%.
KAYLA: 20.
SARAH: That doesn't make sense.
KAYLA: I don't know, honestly.
SARAH: Oh, that includes not married people.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: But still, no, because I was like, well, old people. If they've been together for a long time, they can't have met on the internet. The internet didn't exist, Kayla.
KAYLA: It didn't.
SARAH: When my parents met, the internet didn't exist. Well, it existed, but not for –
KAYLA: People.
SARAH: The mass.
KAYLA: People.
SARAH: Yeah. Oh man.
KAYLA: This isn't really related to online dating, but we've talked about this before. What percent of people believe in love at first sight?
SARAH: Oh my God. I'm going to be mad at this number.
KAYLA: Yeah, you are.
SARAH: Is it like – I would be mad at any number, so I don't know. 37%.
KAYLA: 71.
SARAH: That's disgusting.
KAYLA: Granted, this is, I'm sure from some survey. This is from, what was it, StatisticBrain.com, just so you guys know.
SARAH: Listen. If you believe in love at first sight, I guess I respect that, but also, no.
KAYLA: Let's see.
SARAH: Attraction at first sight, yes. Love at first sight, no. Next question. Wait, I wonder if people just mix the two up. I wonder if people just don't see a difference between them.
KAYLA: They probably don't. I mean, we're going to have an episode about different types of attraction.
SARAH: We are.
KAYLA: But I'm wondering, say you've never been in love actually, how would you know?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Love is different for all people, so maybe some people don't have as deep of love as other people, and so what I think of as love at first sight might be way deeper than like – You know?
SARAH: I think it's all complicated and stupid. Next question.
KAYLA: This is sad. It's actually not that bad. Eh, it's kind of bad. Percent of sex offenders who use online dating to meet people.
SARAH: 50%.
KAYLA: 10. Not that bad.
SARAH: It's a lot better than 50.
KAYLA: Percent of people who say they've dated more than one person simultaneously. Which sounds, listen, stressful. How? Who?
SARAH: That does sound really stressful. I also think there's a stigma around it, but I feel like – I mean, it's one thing if the people you're dating don't know.
KAYLA: That's the thing. Because if they know, that wouldn't be stressful because then obviously you'd all be in agreement.
SARAH: And that's how it should be.
KAYLA: Yeah. And then you could be, what's it called?
SARAH: Polyamorous.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: It doesn't even necessarily have to be polyamorous, sometimes people just have open relationships.
KAYLA: Well, yeah. That’s true. But I guess when I read this, I assume it means that the other person don't know.
SARAH: That the people don't know.
KAYLA: But who knows?
SARAH: So what percentage of people have –
KAYLA: Say they've dated more than one person simultaneously.
SARAH: 15%.
KAYLA: 53.
SARAH: What in the fuck? I'm really bad at guessing these numbers.
KAYLA: Okay. This is an interesting one. What do people say is most important on the first date? Is it personality, smile and looks, sense of humor, or career and education? Which one of these has the highest percent?
SARAH: Oh God. What was the third one?
KAYLA: Sense of humor.
SARAH: I want to say sense of humor.
KAYLA: No. Personality, 30%.
SARAH: 30% what?
KAYLA: 30% of people say that personality is most important.
SARAH: Is the most important.
KAYLA: And career and education is only 10%.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Okay, so they did what percent of people are attracted to a certain hair color.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: What percent are attracted to bald?
SARAH: 30%.
KAYLA: 8.
SARAH: I was aiming high.
KAYLA: Okay, this one is stupid. Okay, so girls prefer nice guys, bad guys, blend of both, any man I can get.
SARAH: Blend of both.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Any man I can get.
KAYLA: No, that's only 6%. Nice guys is 38. Bad guys is only 15. Guys prefer the modern career girl, the girl next door, the hottie.
SARAH: The girl next door.
KAYLA: It's the modern career girl, which is also confusing because only 10% of people care about career and education.
SARAH: Yeah, that's weird.
KAYLA: This is also so heteronormative.
SARAH: I just watched a dog pee on a light post.
KAYLA: No. Get out.
SARAH: (laughs) Anyway.
KAYLA: Let’s see. These are just some facts I guess that they got from somewhere. A woman's desirability online peaks at 21.
SARAH: I believe it. Have you seen those charts of movies of the age of a love interest?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Especially the ones that follow specific actors where it's like the age of the female love interest is always in the low 20s, and the male love interest is like, I'm 55.
KAYLA: 50. Like, all James Bond movies.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It's gross.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: At 26, women have more online pursuers than men.
SARAH: Is that a fact?
KAYLA: That's what they say.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: By 48, men have twice as many online pursuers as women. So that's just like going along with what you said. The men, as men get older, they still have more pursuers going after them.
SARAH: Yeah. Well also just because it's not seen as a necessarily bad thing to be a middle-aged man, whereas middle-aged women are seen as undesirable in some ways.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Which is stupid.
(20:00)
KAYLA: Oh my God. So this research was conducted May 12, 2017.
SARAH: Hmm, wow.
KAYLA: And they have several sources that seem good.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: Those are some stats.
SARAH: Wild.
KAYLA: Yeah. I also was looking at tips for your Tinder bio.
SARAH: Yeah?
KAYLA: Because I've seen a lot of these on Cosmopolitan and all this stuff.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And it's so in depth. I was reading one and I don't have it pulled up because I put it away because I was like, this is dumb.
SARAH: I can't.
KAYLA: But they were like, you need to see what your best first – On Tinder, you have multiple profile pictures and you swipe through them, but your main one is the first one, whatever.
SARAH: How do you swipe through them without swiping left or right?
KAYLA: It's different swipe areas on the phone.
SARAH: Oh, okay.
KAYLA: But they were like, you should do the data. So look at what your profile picture is now, see how many matches you have, and then change your profile picture, and then see how many matches. They want you to do work.
SARAH: That's involved.
KAYLA: I don't know who cares that much.
SARAH: Someone who's really looking for love or a hook-up.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Maybe love and a hook-up.
KAYLA: Plan your opening line. You need to plan your opening line. Keep it in your pants is one of these. So this is on DigitalSpy.com.
SARAH: Oh man.
KAYLA: The sixth tip is keep it in your pants. Few people like dirty opening lines.
SARAH: I would say that's probably true.
KAYLA: Probably true. Make the most of Tinder's latest features. See, this is funny because I always joke that back in my day, Tinder wasn't so complicated because it's true. If I was on Tinder now, you can add your Spotify playlist and do all this – They have groups, you can be in groups with your friends and hook up with other groups.
SARAH: Oh wow. That's a lot. That sounds dangerous.
KAYLA: Back in my day –
SARAH: When I was a young warthog (laughs).
KAYLA: Tinder was not that complicated. But this says that you should take advantage.
SARAH: Oh my.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: That's what I have to say is, oh my.
KAYLA: I've now found (laughs) –
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Some weird dating sites. Oh my God. Okay. So I'm on Buzzfeed. “20 ridiculously specific online dating sites that actually exist”.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: We have Ugly Schmucks. (laughs) Their motto is, "Have you ever thought to yourself, 'I am ugly.'"
SARAH: Oh my God. I know someone who met someone on a dating site for tall people.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: We next have Equestrian Cupid.
SARAH: Is that to meet horses or people who like horses?
KAYLA: Exclusive community for cowboys and cowgirls and equestrian singles to meet horseback riding enthusiasts. Discover uncharted trails. Pursue the country lifestyle, locate the best riding areas.
SARAH: What if I'd rather meet a horse?
KAYLA: I'm not seeing it, so I don't know.
SARAH: Darn.
KAYLA: Sorry. We have Purrsonals.com, like purr, like a cat.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Motto, "The cat-lover's social network." And just so you all know, all of these websites, they have screen grabs of all of these websites, I don't know what – I don't know who designed these.
SARAH: Are they poorly designed?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Can I see them? We can put this up on our Patreon.
KAYLA: Should we? We should link this.
SARAH: Yeah. Oh, that's a horrible font choice. Oh no. Oh no.
KAYLA: (laughs) They’re all really – The Ugly Schmucks one is especially like, what five-year-old –
SARAH: It looks like MySpace.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Or you know YouTube pages in 2009?
KAYLA: Or like Club Penguin?
SARAH: I never had Club Penguin.
KAYLA: Me either.
SARAH: I actually didn't have MySpace either.
KAYLA: Wait, I had Club Penguin. I had Webkins, that was the shit. I think Club Penguin, everyone met on Club Penguin and dated.
SARAH: I feel like people met everywhere.
KAYLA: I was just on Twitter earlier today and I watch Twitch streams occasionally, so it's like watching people game, and this one person retweeted this thing because people in his chat had met, and now they're dating.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Okay, where was this? I got distracted.
KAYLA: A Twitch chat.
SARAH: Oh, I saw that, I saw that. I saw a thing about that.
KAYLA: Was it Chris Melberger?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That's crazy.
KAYLA: Yeah. Also Jenna and Julien have their Twitch stream and two of their mods met through them, and the mods are dating.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: And they live across the country, but they're moving together soon.
SARAH: Oh my God, that's amazing. Can you please read the next one?
KAYLA: Yeah. We next have Amish Dating. It's on the screen grab, also an awful website.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Amish-online-dating.com, under it, "A flower along ye graveled pathway." I don't know what that means. Oh, their motto is, in all caps, "MEET BEAUTIFUL AMISH SINGLES FOR DATING, LOVE AND ROMANCE TONIGHT." Also very bad grammar.
SARAH: Tonight.
KAYLA: Tonight.
SARAH: Now.
KAYLA: Now.
SARAH: Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but Amish –
KAYLA: Oh my God, wait. Amish people can't use the internet.
BOTH: (laugh) Wait!
SARAH: That's why I really want to do the reading.
KAYLA: I'm fact-checking this.
SARAH: Because they aren't even allowed to have electricity, am I wrong?
KAYLA: Wait. Fuck. What?
SARAH: Is this made for people who –
KAYLA: Amishdating.com.
SARAH: Don't Amish people go on that thing where they go –
KAYLA: Yeah, it's like what that stupid TV show is about.
SARAH: Yeah. Maybe it's for that? When they go out into the world.
KAYLA: AmishDating.com. What?
SARAH: They want to meet more Amish people.
KAYLA: Register for free and get instant access to Amish singles near you who are searching for their match. Find fascinating dates in just a few clicks, and start enjoying the simple life. I don't understand. FAQ. Okay, tell me more. Wait, did that just say single Amish gay men? Oh my God. Single gay Amish men. Single lesbians. Is that allowed?
SARAH: Are they open to that? I'm really just not sure. The stance probably changes.
KAYLA: None of these FAQs are about how the fuck they're – Online safety tips. That's cute.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Wait, I’m – (pause) How?
SARAH: How?
KAYLA: How?
SARAH: She just googled, how does online Amish dating work?
KAYLA: What it's like for an Amish person to try online dating and texting. Texting.
SARAH: And texting.
KAYLA: This is from The Atlantic. I guess people have broke Amish but still want an Amish?
SARAH: Maybe? Are there people who –
KAYLA: Barely speak English? She's from Missouri and she barely speaks English. Oh, queen. So this girl was 18, left the Amish community in Missouri, barely spoke English. She looks creepy. She looks like a horror film. I'm sorry. I don't want to read this. But it's not telling me anything because this is someone who broke Amish.
SARAH: Darn. Yeah, that doesn't make sense.
KAYLA: I don't know. How? I'm so intrigued.
SARAH: All right.
KAYLA: Please-
SARAH: If you're Amish and listening to this podcast –
KAYLA: If you know anything about this, please tell me.
SARAH: Please let me know.
KAYLA: Because, what?
SARAH: Don't be unsensitive and ask random Amish people on the street.
KAYLA: No, don't. Don't. Just google it in the privacy of your own home. But I mean, I don’t understand. How?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I can't believe there's gays.
SARAH: There are gays in every community, Kayla.
KAYLA: I know but –
SARAH: Openly.
KAYLA: They're just there.
SARAH: Yeah, I don't know. All right. What's next?
KAYLA: This next one is called BikerKiss.com, for bikers, and it's German.
SARAH: It's in German.
KAYLA: Sarah's going to read us some German.
SARAH: Here's the thing. Here's the thing, though. If it's called Biker Kiss, in German, K-U-S-S-E, kusse is kiss in English. Kisse, K-I-S-S-E, is pillow.
KAYLA: Biker pillow.
SARAH: So this is meant to be read in English because almost everyone in Germany can speak English or they would know enough English to understand this.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But the rest of the website's in German?
KAYLA: Yeah, that doesn't make sense.
SARAH: It's like, (reads in German) Oh my God. Two riders, two hearts, one way.
KAYLA: (yells) Oh my God, no. No, I hate it.
SARAH: And it shows just a man and a woman sitting on a bike together.
KAYLA: There it is. With some flowers.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Oh, their motto translated in English from this website. "Two wheels, two hearts, one road." Whatever.
SARAH: Wheels is not right.
KAYLA: I just can't.
SARAH: Oh wait, that might be.
KAYLA: Sarah just sucks at German, that’s all.
SARAH: I think I just displayed how I'm not fluent. Sorry.
KAYLA: Anyway, next is Clown Dating. Everyone loves a clown, dot, dot, dot, let a clown love you.
SARAH: I hate it. Next.
KAYLA: Also, the picture.
SARAH: I don't want to know anymore.
KAYLA: Darwin Dating. Oh my God. Online dating for beautiful people only. Motto, "Sick of dating websites filled with ugly, unattractive, desperate fatsos? We are."
SARAH: Do you have to pass a test?
KAYLA: "Our strict rules and natural selection process ensures all our members have winning looks. Will you make the cut?"
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: “Banned at Darwin Dating; sweat patches, nerdy glasses, pocket protectors”.
SARAH: That's so weird.
KAYLA: I don't understand it. You know what's ugly? Their website design.
SARAH: True.
KAYLA: Bad.
SARAH: It looks like old Facebook.
(30:00)
KAYLA: Wait. This is their front page. They have a picture of this woman and it says, "Is KayQueen," whatever, that's her username, "Ass-like, or awesome?" And you vote, one to five.
SARAH: Oh my God, that's so mean.
KAYLA: Ooh. Diaper Mates.
SARAH: Oh?
KAYLA: “Diaper Mates is the internet's largest free personals community for adult babies and diaper lovers”.
SARAH: Oh no. No. Bye. You know, there's a website for, like a dating app –
KAYLA: Bad. I feel like we're kink-shaming.
SARAH: I know, but I'm sorry.
KAYLA: I'm sorry, but like adult babies?
SARAH: I'm sorry. There's definitely a dating app for famous people.
KAYLA: Really?
SARAH: Mitch Grassi uses it.
KAYLA: Oh my God, what is it?
SARAH: I don't remember what it's called.
KAYLA: What do you have to do to get in?
SARAH: I don't know if you have to be verified on Twitter.
KAYLA: Is that why famous people are always dating each other?
SARAH: Well, I don't know how many people have actually met from this app, because he was saying that a lot of the people on there are people from Hollywood who, they're sort of famous, but you won't necessarily know who they are. They might not necessarily be actors or anything like that.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: But yeah, you have to somehow prove –
KAYLA: That is so wild.
SARAH: But I can imagine though that, on one hand, it's like, oh, that's pretentious. You'll only date famous people. But on the other hand, it makes sense because those people are going to understand your lifestyle.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: They're going to understand what it's like.
KAYLA: You're probably within the same industry.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And also, if you're super famous, you can't go on a regular dating app because people will attack you.
SARAH: Exactly. I imagine if you get super famous before you get into a long-term relationship and you want to get into a long-term relationship, I imagine it's very hard. And that's why I think a lot of famous people end up with each other.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: First of all, that's who they know, and also, they understand you.
KAYLA: I forget which celebrity it was, but they made a Tinder and no one believed it was them. They tried.
SARAH: I think I heard about that.
KAYLA: Next, Singles with Food Allergies.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: Unique online; on dash line –
SARAH: Oh God.
KAYLA: Singles community. "Nowhere else will you find so many divorced, never married, or widowed individuals whose lives are all affected by food allergies."
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: "Most food allergies communities focus on children, but we don't."
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: "This community allows us to stop being mom or dad and focus on being the outstanding single man or woman that we are. Celiac and sexy? Dairy-free and dynamic?”
SARAH: Oh my God. Oh my God. No.
KAYLA: Oh, Gluten-free Singles.
SARAH: Oh man.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: Yikes.
KAYLA: They don't even have a good motto. "Enjoy life with a GF partner."
SARAH: Oh my God. A girlfriend partner?
KAYLA: Yes. A particularly ugly website.
SARAH: Wait. A GF GF. A gluten-free girlfriend.
KAYLA: You've got to go.
SARAH: Continue.
KAYLA: Hot Sauce Passions.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: A very bad website design. Awful. Here it is.
SARAH: Oh, that's gross.
KAYLA: Awful. Motto. Dot, dot, dot, "A social network for people who think food is bland and if it's not spicy enough to make their forehead sweat." That's one sentence. That didn't make sense at all.
SARAH: That didn't.
KAYLA: "If you are the type of person who tries to get a sliver of jalapeno on every nacho, then you have come to the right place. Why risk hearing, 'I don't like spicy food,' on a first date when you know that would be a deal-breaker?"
SARAH: Is that really so much of a deal-breaker? Like, okay, I am a person who doesn't like a lot of foods, but if you don't have the same eating habits as me, I will still be friends with you.
KAYLA: They have a hot sauce chat. That's what it's called.
SARAH: I hate it. Go to the next one.
KAYLA: Oh. Even worse. Mullet Passions.
SARAH: Oh no, I can't do it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I can't do it.
KAYLA: "Yeah, that's right. It's business up front and party in the back."
SARAH: I hate it.
KAYLA: "A 100% free social networking and online dating site specifically for singles with a mullet," dot, dot, dot, "and for those with the taste and style to appreciate these unique trendsetters."
SARAH: I was about to say, how many women have mullets?
KAYLA: I think this website looks like it's set up exactly like – The design is exactly like the hot sauce one.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: Sea Captain Date.
SARAH: I hate it. What does that mean?
KAYLA: I don't know, my computer froze.
SARAH: Oh, good.
KAYLA: Honestly, Patreon us so I can get a new one. Okay.
SARAH: I don’t know what you just said.
KAYLA: "SeaCaptainDate is the only place for sea captains to connect with men and women who share a love of the ocean. With thousands of captains already online, SeaCaptainDate.com is the destination for romance on the seven seas. Dating can be a stormy sea. That's why we're here for you."
SARAH: Makes you nauseous? I mean.
KAYLA: Salad Match. "Find your salad soulmate today. Brought to you by Just Salad."
SARAH: This is too much and I don't think I can do it.
KAYLA: Isn't Just Salad, isn't that a store?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: This is Farmers Only. I feel like we've all seen commercials for Farmers Only.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And yet, their website is still –
SARAH: And yet.
KAYLA: Their motto is just, "Single and in the country." They have over 100 marriages. That's fun.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: Barnyard Buzz. Oh no. STDMatch.net.
SARAH: People with the same STDs?
KAYLA: "100% anomynous –
SARAH: Anonymous.
KAYLA: Shut up. “Anonymous, safe, secure and comfortable." Yeah. "Connect with singles who share your STD." Huh.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: That's kind of nice.
SARAH: It's kind of like a support group, almost.
KAYLA: Yeah, it seems like.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Well, that's kind of nice. Oh. TallFriends.com. So your friend met –
SARAH: Seems to be the case.
KAYLA: "This is the best place for looking for a tall dating relationship or marriage. We are bringing together tall dating-minded singles from the USA, UK, Canada, Australia, and Europe and more. Here, you can mingle with tall singles, tall beautiful women, tall handsome men, and those tall people admirers." What?
SARAH: Do you have to prove your height?
KAYLA: I could not tell you. It does not say. Trek Passions. "A 100% free sci-fi personals and social networking community site for science fiction lovers, including but not limited to lovers of Star Trek and Star Wars."
SARAH: Listen. I love both of them, but I would be so afraid to use that website because I feel like people would be like, so what happened in Season Two, Episode Three?
KAYLA: It is also the exact same website design as the mullet one. The website is the exact same, except for the pictures and stuff are different.
SARAH: I kind of hope they're real.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: “The Ugly Bug Ball. Dating for the aesthetically average.”
SARAH: Oh man.
KAYLA: Hundreds, no, thousands of singles online. Oh no.
SARAH: Aesthetically average. Aren't we all?
KAYLA: Vamp Personals. "The largest gothic and vampire dating site on the net." Who calls it the net? "A place where you can meet the vampire, goth, or both of your dreams, as well as like-minded individuals in your area to spend time with, hang out with, have fun and enjoy the darker side of unlife."
SARAH: Oh dear.
KAYLA: And that's it.
SARAH: All right.
KAYLA: Those are all of them.
SARAH: Wow. That was an experience. If you've used any of those websites, let us know.
KAYLA: Please let us know. Or if there's other weird ones that we don't know of.
SARAH: If you have horror stories that you'd like to share.
KAYLA: Also, I'm always a fan of Tinder horror stories. I have friends that always send me the screen caps. I live for them.
SARAH: Good stuff.
KAYLA: They are my life.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So if you have those, we'd love to see them.
SARAH: Yeah. Please.
KAYLA: And judge people with you.
SARAH: Please.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: All right. Do you have anything more to say, Kayla?
KAYLA: I just – No.
SARAH: Online dating is a lot.
KAYLA: It's a lot. It's hard to say it's either good or bad because it really depends on what site you're using.
SARAH: And I think the way different sites are set up can lend themselves to better or worse scenarios, but regardless, you could get anything.
KAYLA: Yeah, because some are really set up for hook-ups. Like Grindr is only for hook-ups.
SARAH: Because Tinder, you can't send pictures, right?
KAYLA: No, you can't. You can send gifts, but they're pre-there. You can't send pictures.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Really, it depends on the site.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: We have a friend that, their sibling met on Coffee Meets Bagel and you have to have an .edu email to be allowed to use it, so it's for students or teachers and stuff.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So it really depends on what you're doing. I know a lot of people are like, oh online things are making it so you don't see anyone in person anymore."
SARAH: I think that's bullshit.
KAYLA: Well, yeah. First of all, I think that's bullshit. It really just depends on what happens. Obviously for me, I had a good experience and I have other friends that have had horrible experiences and hate being online, doing online dating stuff. I don't know. There's not a really good answer.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I do think it's nice that there's a lot of specific apps for gay people or lesbians or stuff like that.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That's good.
SARAH: Yeah. Or apps that you can look for any type of relationship on it, which I think is good.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: What's our poll this week, Kayla?
KAYLA: We're going to come up with some very specific dating sites and you're going to vote which one you would like to be an actual thing.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: We're going to make them up?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. Jet Ski Lovers.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: "Find your second ski." Because you know how you –
KAYLA: Okay, I don't know if we have enough characters.
SARAH: Okay, but I just said it.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: So JetSkiLovers.com, and then the motto is –
BOTH: "Find your second ski."
SARAH: Because you've got to have two.
KAYLA: I know people that can only do one. Or that can do – We have a jet ski team.
SARAH: I need you to calm down.
KAYLA: They do tricks.
SARAH: Find someone to do tricks with on your jet ski.
(40:00)
KAYLA: All right, so we have Jet Ski-
SARAH: I forgot what I said. JetSkiLove or something. We'll figure it out.
KAYLA: Whatever. What else?
SARAH: JeepLovers.com. You must prove that you own a Jeep.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: Jeep Lovers Online Dating.
KAYLA: (searching online) JeepFreaksDating.com
KAYLA: Jeeples.com.
SARAH: Jeeples.
KAYLA: There's several.
SARAH: All right, fine. We'll come up with a new one.
KAYLA: Wow, that's wild. I wonder if there's a jet ski one. I bet these all exist.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: This is too bad. Everything exists.
SARAH: Ferret Match. People who love ferrets.
KAYLA: (laughs) I love it. Patrick will leave me to go on that website. He loves ferrets.
SARAH: Oh my God. I hate it.
KAYLA: I just want to look all these up.
SARAH: Sarah, no, stop. Come up with one. Why are you so uncreative?
KAYLA: I suck.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Vacuum Lovers (laughs).
KAYLA: No. Shower Haters. Me, I hate showering.
SARAH: See, once I'm in the shower, it's fine. It's just the whole process.
KAYLA: No, I can't. I hate it. I hate all of it.
SARAH: All right.
KAYLA: I want to go on that site. Shower Haters.
SARAH: Shower Haters.
KAYLA: Find love.
SARAH: Find love (laughs). Oh, and one more. Anti Pumpkin Spice Latte. Anti PSL Lovers. How's it going to be phrased?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: AntiPSLMatch.com.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Dot net.
KAYLA: Dot org.
SARAH: Dot org?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's national.
SARAH: Oh man.
KAYLA: That's how much it matters.
SARAH: Yeah. All right, so we've got –
KAYLA: Jet Ski.
SARAH: Jet Ski Lovers or whatever I said.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: We had to ditch the Jeep one because that exists.
KAYLA: Okay. So we have Jet Ski, Ferrets, Anti Shower, and Anti PSL.
SARAH: Anti Pumpkin Spice Latte.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: So let us know which would be the website for you. You have to pick one.
KAYLA: Yes. You have to pick one. But also, send us what mottos would go with them. Tweet us back with a motto or put it in the comments.
SARAH: Yeah, I’d like to hear.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: That's a good one. Or, like, what your username would be.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Amazing.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: All right. You know where you can find that poll, ladies and gentlemen and non-binary folk?
KAYLA: Where? Mm-hmm.
SARAH: @soundsfakepod on Twitter, soundsfakepod@gmail.com. You can also hitty us up – Hitty us up? You can hitty us up at patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We will happily take your money if you care to give it.
KAYLA: That would be great.
SARAH: Mm-hmm..
KAYLA: So if you don't have a Twitter and you can't do the poll that way, you can always leave us a lovely comment wherever you're listening, and leave us a cute little review and tell us which dating site is for you, the username, the motto, all that. So wherever you're listening, SoundCloud, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher Radio, a bunch of other random websites that I found out just have our podcast.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Just leave us a little comment.
SARAH: Or alternatively, get a Twitter just so you can vote in our Twitter polls.
KAYLA: Yeah, actually do that one. Yeah. We also have a Tumblr now.
SARAH: Oh, we do, soundsfakepod.tumblr.com.
KAYLA: We post our episodes there and just some other random –
SARAH: Ace umbrella stuff.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So that's fun.
SARAH: Patreon.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: First of all, we will post the link to that article with all the websites.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: We now have a whopping two patrons. Kayla, tell us more.
KAYLA: All right. So we have our two wonderful patrons. So first we have the lovely Asritha and she is in our $5 group.
SARAH: She gave us $5.03 just as I suggested.
KAYLA: So she gave us $5.03 like the lovely human she is, and she would like – So she gets a cute shout-out, so here's the shout-out. Yay you. She gets to vote in polls, so she was one of the people that brought you this online dating episode, and she would also like to promote something of hers. She would like us to promote her singleness and her availability.
SARAH: She would.
KAYLA: She's like, specifically, she would like to date an Indian man, but also –
SARAH: That her parents would approve of.
KAYLA: That her parents would approve of. But she's also told me that she just wants to get some, and so we're promoting her. She's a lovely lady, she’s so beautiful. Her Instagram, if you want to slide into those DMs, is @asritha_v. And she's straight. Just so you know.
SARAH: Yeah, just so you know.
KAYLA: Just so you know. We also have for patrons, we have the lovely Emma Fink again, who is in our $10 group, and we are going to promote – She's one day going to have a lovely two-page up, but for now, it's just not there yet.
SARAH: It's just not there.
KAYLA: She's working. So for now, we're going to promote her Twitter and her Instagram and it's @emmatfink for both of them. Go check her out. She has a lot of things.
SARAH: Tell her you like her lipstick.
KAYLA: Yeah, she loves lipstick. Go check out all her lipstick.
SARAH: All right.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That's all for this week. If you would like to become a Patreon patron, we would greatly appreciate it.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm. Get Kayla a new computer that doesn't freeze.
SARAH: Yeah. I'll probably cut it out, but Kayla's computer kept freezing.
KAYLA: It was a lot.
SARAH: In this little podcast.
KAYLA: What's that link? Patreon.com –
SARAH: I already gave it.
KAYLA: But again. Patreon.com/soundsfakepod.
SARAH: Correct. Thank you for listening and tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: Until then, take good care of your cows.