Ep 64: Family and Sexuality During the Holidays
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey, what’s up hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake but Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl, I’m Sarah, that’s me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode: being home for the holidays.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: You'll never guess.
SARAH: We're still sick.
KAYLA: Yes. (both laugh). A second ago me and Sarah sniffled at the same time.
SARAH: It was pretty great.
KAYLA: Truly, I've never felt so connected to someone in my life.
SARAH: Yeah. We're both still sick.
KAYLA: Because it's only been, like, two days since we recorded the last episode.
SARAH: I have a headache.
KAYLA: I haven't slept. Probably in years.
SARAH: It's been a time! Welcome to the pod.
KAYLA: Hello.
SARAH: Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: Well, it's almost... well, it is the holiday season.
SARAH: It is the holiday season.
KAYLA: It's almost the holiday of Christmas.
SARAH: It is.
KAYLA: And we're about to go home ourselves. From school to home for said holiday. That.
SARAH: Okay. And even if you don't celebrate Christmas, a lot of students have this time of year off. A lot of people spend this time of year with their family for New Years, for Hanukkah which is already over, for Kwanza, for the winter solstice, for... what's that one from Seinfeld?
KAYLA: Don't know.
SARAH: Festivus.
KAYLA: Oh, sure.
SARAH: Is it Seinfeld? I don't even know.
KAYLA: No idea.
SARAH: But, you know. Holidays. You spend 'em with your family oftentimes, and it's a lot of family time. More than you're perhaps used to.
KAYLA: It is, especially when you haven't lived at home for... I haven't lived at home for four years now.
SARAH: Did you live with someone after freshman year?
KAYLA: I lived at home the summer after freshman year half time. I would spend half of the week here at school and half of the week at home. So not really.
SARAH: The last time I lived at home was the month after I came home from Germany.
KAYLA: Yeah. So I'm not used to living at home at all. It's been years.
SARAH: And, like, you think it's not gonna be that bad, but you've gotten used to living away from home, and then you go back and you're like... Listen. You can have a wonderful family, but going back and living with them is a lot.
KAYLA: Especially when you're used to having your own freedom and doing things your own way that you've set for yourself. And then all of a sudden you're dealing with other people. It's the same as living with anyone. Learning how to live with a new roommate.
SARAH: Especially if it's your parents, too, because then they're like... they're used to telling you what to do, but you're an adult now, and it's weird. It's also not just necessarily with your immediate family. It's also often, like, cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. And obviously not everyone has that situation, but I think a lot of people do. We just wanted to talk about, like, dealing with family around the holidays, especially in regards to sexuality.
KAYLA: And, just like, relationships and dating.
SARAH: Relationships, all that.
KAYLA: All that this show is technically about.
SARAH: Right. Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: When you go home for the holidays and you see your family, what do they say? What do they do?
KAYLA: So, what's funny is... I haven't experienced this much until this year, and I think the reason is because I am a serial monogamist, so I am often—and I don't know what this says about me, if it's bad or good—but I'm often in a relationship.
SARAH: It's weird, because when I first met you that wasn't the case.
KAYLA: Yeah, it was truly after our freshman year that it just started, and this is... I just like caring about people. I just like being in a relationship. I'm sorry! (Sarah laughs) Whatever. So I think for most of the holidays in the past few years, I've probably been dating someone at the time. Well, I wasn't last year.
SARAH: You were just like, seeing someone. Like, you had just finished a...
KAYLA: Situationship.
SARAH: Thing. Yeah.
KAYLA: I guess it didn't happen much last year. I don't know why.
SARAH: Probably good.
KAYLA: Probably good it didn't, because things were weird last year. But this year I went home for Thanksgiving recently, and not only did my grandmother ask about my love life, but so did my sister. Which was kinda weird. I expected that from extended family, but my sister was also, like... cuz I feel like you see on Twitter and online, people are always like, "Ugh, I hate going home for the holidays," and you have to tell people what your job is and if you're dating, and there's a long list of questions you always get. And I was always like, "ha ha," but that never happened to me. And then it did this year.
(5:00)
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Which was funny, because at school recently I've been getting a lot of conversation about my dating life, and so I went home for Thanksgiving and I was like, oh, I'm gonna be clear of that. People are going to mind their own business and I can, like, not have to talk to people about my love life for right now. And then I walked into my grandparents' house and... you know?
SARAH: Yup! Honestly, I'm surprised that I very rarely get that question.
KAYLA: Well, but they know now.
SARAH: Mmm... my mom's side of the family, I don't know...
KAYLA: Well, I wonder if your mom's side of the family doesn't ask because your sister's already gay, and they know, so then they're like, well, I just don't want to bring any of this up.
SARAH: Yeah. Wouldn't be surprised. But yeah. I feel like that's a question that a lot of people get, and regardless of what your sexual orientation is, it can be the worst.
KAYLA: In a lot of situations it can be a very uncomfortable thing. Because we were just talking about—someone had asked me last year and I had just gotten out of a weird situationship that kind of, like...
SARAH: Just kind of, like... ended.
KAYLA It kinda... yeah.
SARAH: It had kind of just stopped.
KAYLA: It had kind of just ended around winter break. Like, if someone had asked me at that time, it probably would've upset me.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And it wouldn't have been good.
SARAH: Yeah. Yikes! So, I mean, that's an issue regardless. But also especially if you fall under the ace umbrella. Or even if you're queer and maybe not out to your family, that can be a struggle. And I'm obviously speaking to this as someone who identifies as ace umbrella.
KAYLA: And aro.
SARAH: And aro, yeah. And it's just, like... it can be a difficult question to be asked even if you are out. Like, I'm out to the general world, but that doesn't mean that everyone who I know, knows. And that doesn't mean I want it to be a conversation with everyone who I know. And so it's like... in that family situation, depending on how extended of a family member they are, depending on how often I see them, impacts how I'm gonna answer a question like that. And usually I just kind of like brush it off. But, like, some people are nosy. And so it's like, if you are, you know, ace umbrella, acespec identifying, and you don't necessarily feel comfortable outing yourself to this person, what do you do?
KAYLA: Well, this seems—to get technical about lingo—seems more of an aro situation than an ace situation.
SARAH: That's valid.
KAYLA: Just cuz you can be ace and still be in a relationship.
SARAH: That's true. I'm mostly just thinking of myself. (laughs)
KAYLA: Yes, you are. But for people that aren't aro and ace—
SARAH: Yup.
KAYLA: —I think this is more of an aro-type situation/episode than it is an ace one.
SARAH: That's true.
KAYLA: Anyway. Just throwing it out there.
SARAH: Aro content!
KAYLA: Because I know we have a lot of listeners that are ace but not aro, so anyway. Throwing this out to y'all.
SARAH: We love them.
KAYLA: Yeah. I think it can—in a lot of different situations—be really difficult because what if you are in a relationship but it's with, like, you know, you're a man with another man, or it's with whoever, whatever, you know, not the "norm," and so then what do you do? Are you about to just, like, lie to people's faces? Are you worried because maybe you're not a good liar and you're gonna be like, "Oh my god, they can tell." I mean, there's so many different situations.
SARAH: And sometimes depending on how nosy your family members are, they might just keep prying and you might end up in this horrible extended lie! If that's what you do. And that's a difficult situation to be in.
KAYLA: Or just... like, even if you just have to lie once, that's uncomfortable. And it's the holidays, you're supposed to be with your family and now you're worried about outing yourself or you're worried about what people are thinking about you.
SARAH: Right. And it's like, if you are in a queer relationship of some sort and someone asks you but you're not necessarily comfortable outing yourself to them, I mean, the question is, do you just say, "No, I'm not in a relationship at all"? Or do you—
KAYLA: Like, how deep do you wanna lie.
SARAH: —pretend it's straight. The thing is, too... when that's happening and when you're not necessarily comfortable outing yourself to people—even if you are out to the general world—cuz that's a very confrontational situation. And so if they don't take it well, it's not...
KAYLA: You can't just... yeah. If you out yourself and then someone doesn't take it well, you can't just...
SARAH: You're still sitting there at Christmas.
KAYLA: You really can't move on from that very easily.
SARAH: Especially if it's, you know, it's a family member. It's someone who maybe your family wants to maintain a good relationship with! So I definitely get being wary of that.
KAYLA: Oh yeah.
SARAH: As an out person, I am not... I don't jump to out myself when I don't... like, when it's a person who's older...
(10:00)
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: ...and when it's a person who it doesn't seem necessary for them to know. Like, I don't jump to do it. Honestly, I don't jump to do it always. Which sucks.
KAYLA: You really don't, like...
SARAH: Yeah. I don't tell people, really, ever. And it sucks because I am out, and I'm not, like, ashamed of my identity or anything. But it's just, like, for my own personal sanity I can't constantly be outing myself to people because there's this whole conversation that goes along with it. Regardless of whether they're accepting or not, it still involves a conversation.
KAYLA: It's not like when you're gay and you can just tell someone, "I'm gay," and then you move on. With coming out as ace or aro, it comes along with an entire TedTalk.
SARAH: Oh yeah. You're gonna be sitting there for at least half an hour. And maybe they'll be okay with it, and maybe they won't be, but that'll be a half an hour you could've spent shoving cookies in your face.
KAYLA: That's so true.
SARAH: Which, you know.
KAYLA: Is very important.
SARAH: Very important. But yeah. I mean, I guess... once again, it's a situation where I don't have a good answer for people. Like, what do you do in that situation? You have to read the situation, you have to know your family and you have to know that specific family member. And maybe you don't know that specific family member and that's the problem. There's no "one size fits all" in that situation, whether you're aro, whether you're gay—regardless of what the question is.
KAYLA: I think it really depends... it's hard because—especially with family. Family's weird. I feel like there's a lot of people with weird family drama, like the family's getting in fights or not talking for a while for very weird, nuanced reasons. And so I think it can be hard in those situations because my instinct is to tell people, as advice, "Put yourself first." Put your health or sanity first. But then it's hard because you're taking in everyone else's emotions. Because if you put yourself first and somehow that upsets someone else, is that... like, what if you upset your aunt? And that's, you know, your mom's sister, and now your mom is upset and your parents are upset and you've dragged your siblings into it.
SARAH: And now your grandparents are upset and now your cousins are upset.
KAYLA: If it was a situation with friends, I would easily say, "Put yourself first." You can kick a friend out of your life and you'll be fine and you don't need them, but with family you can't as easily just get rid of people.
SARAH: Especially if you're at a holiday dinner.
KAYLA: You can't just leave.
SARAH: You can't just leave.
KAYLA: You can't just drive away (laughs).
SARAH: I mean, maybe you can, if you drove yourself.
KAYLA: But that would be very dramatic.
SARAH: It would be very dramatic.
KAYLA: Which, I don't know, man, maybe...
SARAH: Maybe that's your M.O.!
KAYLA: Maybe that's your move! Maybe that's who you are, and if so, can we be best friends, please?
SARAH: Good on ya. But it's... there's a lot of nuance that... I do think that you should put yourself first, but you also need to, like, put your safety first. And sometimes your safety doesn't always mean your physical safety. It also just means your security in your situation and if you think it's going to cause way too much trouble, then maybe don't... it's just, you have to balance all the pros and cons.
KAYLA: Yeah, you have to weigh, like, is it worth it right now, to go through all that?
SARAH: Because on one hand, I wish I could say, "Yes, it's always worth it."
KAYLA: But that's just not realistic, though.
SARAH: And that sucks. Because straight people can do whatever they want. But you have to take into consideration the people around you. And maybe you taking into consideration the people around is that you don't care about the people around you. And maybe that's the conclusion you come to.
KAYLA: Totally great.
SARAH: But, like... and it sucks. It suuuucks, Kayla!
KAYLA: It... yeah.
SARAH: And this is coming from me, a person who has never really had to do that. Like, I can only... I'm aro, but I can only think of it, like, theoretically. I mean, I am in a situation where, like I said, I wouldn't necessarily just, like, throw my sexuality out there. But I've never had it blow up in my face. And so it's like... also, if you're a person out there—if you're a person listening to this podcast, if you're a human—but if you are a person out there who listens to this podcast who has had an experience with family related to sexuality or anything of the sort and you have advice for people who may be experiencing it for the first time, or maybe they recently came to terms with their sexuality and so this is the first time they're really thinking about it—do let us know. Tweet it at us, email us, and then with your permission we'll blast it out to the world.
(15:00)
KAYLA: Because, I mean, you haven't had really much experience with that. I—
SARAH: Which, I mean, I'm very lucky to be in that situation.
KAYLA: I was just talking with someone the other day about how I've never even... like, my parents know my sexuality because they know about the podcast. They read the article that we're in and were like, "Oh, it's so well written." They know, but I've never talked to anyone in my family about it.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: At all. Because for me, it's like truly none of their business because what my sexuality means is, "Hey, Mom and Dad, this is when I'm gonna have sex with my boyfriend."
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Which is none of their business. Like, they know it's happening. But we're not going to talk about when. And so... well, it's interesting that I have truly never had to deal with that at all, because my sexuality does not need to be out to anyone except for people I'm dating.
SARAH: Yeah. It's a weird situation, especially with aspec identities because it's a whole other world. And, like as you said earlier, a lot of times outing yourself comes with a whole fucking TedTalk. And you don't always want to do that!
KAYLA: Sometimes you're sleepy, or you're hungry, and you don't have time for a TedTalk.
SARAH: Yeah. Real. Also, too, I think there are situations where you would be out to some of your family and not all of them.
KAYLA: I was just thinking about that. So if you go into a family dinner or an extended family situation and maybe, like, some cousins know or your siblings know, like, you've gotta strategize.
SARAH: You need to make sure that they know that they can't just be blabbing.
KAYLA: Like, you can't just walk in somewhere and, like... I'm thinking of...
SARAH: I would hope that the people who do know have the common sense to realize that they shouldn't be outing you.
KAYLA: But, like, I would still make sure, like, "Hey, remember, guys. People don't know this. Like, don't slip up and say anything."
SARAH: Yeah. Exactly. Like, it's not your thing to tell. It's my thing to tell.
KAYLA: And don't tell it. (laughs)
SARAH: And I don't want to tell them right now. But, I mean... I guess... what happens if you do get in a situation where you do get outed and people find out, and they don't react well, and you're at fucking Christmas dinner, they're cutting the ham or whatever food you're eating. Like, what do you do?
KAYLA: So they find out at... paint me a picture.
SARAH: We're sitting at the dining table.
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: There's a ham.
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: It's being cut.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And someone says, "Hey!"
KAYLA: This is so unrealistic already! (both laugh)
SARAH: Someone says, "Hey! Aphobic Aunt Teresa! So-and-so over here is fuckin' aromantic asexual."
KAYLA: Okay, here's a more likely situation, (Sarah laughs) is that maybe your mom knows and your mom is talking to her sister on the phone a couple weeks before Christmas and accidentally lets it slip, and then your dumbass aunt spreads it to her husband and her kids.
SARAH: Aunt Teresa! I don't have an Aunt Teresa, just for the record.
KAYLA: So, you know, as family gossip travels, because it does, it makes its way through the grapevine. So you're sitting at your Christmas dinner and all of a sudden you hear people talking about it on the other side of the room, and you're like, "Excuse me?"
SARAH: Does your family do that?
KAYLA: My family?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Just, like, talk about you at the other side of the table about a thing they haven't talked to you about?
KAYLA: I'm talking—like, we're not at the table yet.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: We're in the living room, we're mingling, we're talking to your cousins...
SARAH: Okay, so it just came up in conversation.
KAYLA: You hear your aunt across the room say something, and you're like, "Wait a second."
SARAH: Goddammit, Teresa.
KAYLA: And so then you start to realize, "Oh, everyone knows and they weren't supposed to know." And then you're like, "Mom, what the fuck." And then you have to go sit down at the table after you've just realized that everyone knows your thing when they weren't supposed to because someone blabbed. A much more ruthless, stuck situation.
SARAH: You know what my tactic would be?
KAYLA: To leave?
SARAH: Just change the fuckin' topic. Come with prepared topics that will distract your fucking family.
KAYLA: Come with the most boring facts ever.
SARAH: Boring facts or (laugh) reignite a previous family feud. (Kayla gasps.)
KAYLA: Yes—okay. Stop everything. This is your tactic. (Sarah laughs) If it's the dramatic way that Sarah thinks this happens in families, or the realistic way that I talked about, your tactic is you know your family has some old beef with each other that's...
SARAH: Bring up that silver spoon, guys!
KAYLA: ...ancient, and you bring that up, and just watch it all light on fire.
SARAH: Oh yeah. They won't be talking about you anymore. They'll be talking about that fucking silver spoon that went missing, y'all.
KAYLA: There it is. That's the tactic.
(20:00)
SARAH: Honestly, though, like legitimately—like, we sound dramatic—but in that situation if it's something that you don't fuckin' want to be talking about, get yourself out of that situation. And a lot of times the way to get yourself out of that situation is to change the fucking topic.
KAYLA: I would say...
SARAH: Plan some segues.
KAYLA: I would say, too, like, I would hope for you that there's at least one person in your family, like a sibling or whatever that maybe they already know or you just trust them a lot. And just go in with an ally, I guess, if it's something you're really worried about. Have that one person that you know that you can turn to and say, "Hey, I'm uncomfortable, can you cover for me? I need to go sit in the bathroom for a little bit and cool off and, like, maybe have a cry." Like, "Can you please just take care of this for me right now?"
SARAH: Or maybe they'll even change the topic for you. Like, if they see that you're uncomfortable. If that's possible for you, do it. Best case scenario, you'll never have to. But also that's the kind of difficult thing—you have to manage your expectations. Like, on one hand you need to be realistic, but on the other hand, don't go in being like, "Wow, this is going to happen, and everyone's going to hate me, and everyone's going to yell at me, and they're all going to be aphobic or they're all going to be homophobic or whatever it is," like if you go in with that attitude, it's not going to help you.
KAYLA: You're just not going to have fun, even if it doesn't happen.
SARAH: Because it might not happen. Your family might surprise you. People surprise you all the fucking time.
KAYLA: Which is—and I know that's hard to say, especially if you've, like, had problems with your family before—
SARAH: And especially coming from someone who hasn't had problems before.
KAYLA: Yeah. Like if you know that your family is a certain way, like maybe they're really conservative or if you know—it's hard to not have bad expectations. And, trust me, my motto for living in life is keeping my bar on the ground so I'm always surprised. Is that healthy? No. But that's what I do.
SARAH: But, I mean, you're not disappointed.
KAYLA: Yeah. (Sarah laughs) But it's also real unhealthy.
SARAH: I try to keep realistic expectations.
KAYLA: See, I keep them lower than realistic.
SARAH: Mmm, good.
KAYLA: So that's the problem. But anyway. I mean, yeah. Try... this is a bit of a bummer of an episode, I think.
SARAH: We've had some very serious episodes all in a row.
KAYLA: Last week was fine, though.
SARAH: What was last week? It was literally three days ago. Woo!
KAYLA: It was Irish.
SARAH: Irish. Ireland.
KAYLA: Anyway. But, like, it's not all that bad. There's gotta be one good...
SARAH: What were you saying? (laughs) Oh, you were saying that you usually keep your bar on the ground, but, like...
KAYLA: But don't.
SARAH: Maybe don't.
KAYLA: Don't. Don't do that. Don't do what I do, is what I'm saying.
SARAH: Make it a nice little limbo bar for, like, an ant. Like, not like an "aunt," like an insect.
KAYLA: That's extremely close to the ground for a bar.
SARAH: Yeah, but it's not on the ground.
KAYLA: I don't know if that's much better.
SARAH: Like, for a big carpenter ant. Not like a tiny ant.
KAYLA: I would say that maybe you should make it higher... like a...
SARAH: Rabbit?
KAYLA: Like a capybara.
SARAH: (laughs) Okay. That's good. If you don't know what that is, please Google it.
KAYLA: It should be that high. For a capybara.
SARAH: Yeah, keep your bar capybara-level.
KAYLA: Capybara-level.
SARAH: Okay. How about this. How about you know it's going to be an issue because it has already been an issue, like, yesterday. Not like last year. Like, it's being an issue right now.
KAYLA: Like, we're currently... like maybe at Thanksgiving you were outed, and now it's Christmas.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: (blows out breath) Don't go. (both laugh) I would just say, like, try to not interact with those people as much as possible. Hopefully...
SARAH: Hopefully it's not everyone.
KAYLA: If your family is real small, I guess, then you might be forced to interact with certain people, but hopefully if it's an extended family thing you can kind of pick and choose who you're sitting next to and who you're really talking to that much.
SARAH: Also, just, like, again, keep yourself safe in any given situation. Like, if you need to... in some situations you might need to lie. You might just need to, you know, do what you can. They might say things that are horribly aphobic, horribly homophobic, and you might just have to let them slide. And that fucking sucks. But you need to be safe and secure in where you are. But sometimes, you can kind of challenge a person and be like, "No, here's why you're wrong." And I think if you read the situation well and if you look at it and say, "I think this is going to at least be okay," then by all means, do that. Because if they are aphobic—or they are homophobic or transphobic or whatever it is—you do want to challenge that. Because you want them to change their mind.
(25:00)
KAYLA: Yup. But it needs to be in a situation that is safe for you and the rest of the family.
SARAH: Yeah. And so if you anticipate that happening—or maybe it's happened before and you anticipate it happening again—prepare your fuckin' argument. Bring flashcards!
KAYLA: Bring some notes!
SARAH: Make a PowerPoint!
KAYLA: Give a real TedTalk. (Sarah laughs)
SARAH: Make a... what's the... a Prezi!
KAYLA: Ooh. I love a good Prezi.
SARAH: Like, be prepared. And I know that sounds stupid, 'cause we're kinda contradicting ourselves because we're like, "Don't go in with a closed mind! Don't go in being pessimistic!" but also...
KAYLA: In some situations, though, you know what's going to happen.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like, you... it happens all the time, it happens every year. Sometimes you know.
SARAH: It's better to be overprepared than to be caught with your pants down, as they say.
KAYLA: Mmm. Yes. (laughs)
SARAH: I mean, like, legitimately, prepare your fuckin' argument. And if you have someone in your family who you think can help you out, reach out to them and be like, "Hey. In the event that something happens, I just wanna make sure that you are on my team." Also, if you see it happening to someone else in your family, regardless of whether they are out, regardless of whether you think they identify with that identity or not, fucking stand up for them as long as it is safe for you and them.
KAYLA: Yeah. I would say with family I think a lot of uncomfortable things can happen at big family gatherings.
SARAH: Mmhmm.
KAYLA: I would say—just like in any situation—if it's a straight person and your grandma is just grilling them about their dating life and they look uncomfortable, like, I think the world would be such a better place if people were just more aware of other people's feelings and have a higher emotional intelligence. So, like, just be aware...
SARAH: If you see someone uncomfortable for whatever reason in a conversation that they're in, fucking help them. Get them out of the conversation, change the topic, like... just come up with a bunch of controversial topics to bring up!
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So that the topic is guaranteed to change. Just be like, "So. Weed is legal in Michigan now." (laughs)
KAYLA: (quoting a Vine) "Chris, is that a weed?" (Sarah laughs)
SARAH: But, just, like, stuff that, like, it'll get people talking. If your family is prone to a lot of fighting, maybe don't go controversial. (laughs) But go for an interesting story. But prepare things that... even just in the car ride on the way there, think of things like, "Okay, if I need to change the topic, whether it's for my sake or for it's for someone else's sake, or if Uncle John just babbles on for too long about Vietnam..."
KAYLA: Ugh. 'Nam.
SARAH: (laughs) Like, just, you know, be prepared to change the topic. Also, don't press other people into (singsong voice) saying things if they don't look comfortable with it!
KAYLA: That's a good song. It's a banger.
SARAH: Thank you. Especially if you have younger cousins or siblings or that sort of thing, like, be the person that you needed when you were their age. And even if you're straight, even if—whatever. There are a lot of things that people ask you when you're young that you just don't want to be asked. Like, ask a high school senior ONE MORE TIME about where they're going to college...
KAYLA: Or ask, like—I've even had family members ask me about, like, even when I'm in college, they asked me about my grades before. And, like...
SARAH: What? The fuck?
KAYLA: I'm secure in my grades and so it's never been a huge issue for me, but, like, don't ask people what their grades are.
SARAH: Yeah. It's like, I mean, people are inevitably going to be like, (annoying nasal voice) "So, what you doing these days? What are you gonna do after graduation?" Blah blah blah. But, like...
KAYLA: But don't.
SARAH: (laughs) But sometimes it gets pushed way too far. Especially if someone is like... maybe they're waiting on college admission letters, maybe... like, be thoughtful about who you're talking to and what their situation is. And be the person that you would want to save you if you were them.
KAYLA: Yup.
SARAH: Retweet @myself.
KAYLA: (laughs) I would also just, like, in all of these situations, if you're getting in a dicey situation where someone is being rude or whatever...
SARAH: Dicey.
KAYLA: Thanks. (laughs) Just, it's not you. Just remember that, like, this is a very obviously ignorant and rude person.
SARAH: (laughs) I thought you were going to say, "This is a very obviously ignorant and rude statement." And then you were just going to say something ignorant and—
KAYLA: And I was just going to say it! And I was just going to say it. I was actually going to shit on one of my family members in particular.
SARAH: (laughs) By name.
(30:00)
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Goddammit, Aunt Teresa.
KAYLA: Neither of us have an Aunt Teresa.
SARAH: I know, that's why I said it.
KAYLA: Ah, good. Alright. But, like, they're the problem. It's not you.
SARAH: (dramatically) It's not you, it's them.
KAYLA: But, like, which is a very cheesy thing to say, and I feel, like, very cliche advice. But, like, if you're in a family situation and someone's shitting on your for your sexuality or your grades or what you're doing after college and you're getting upset about it, it's not because you're in the wrong. It's because they're pushing buttons that they shouldn't be and they can't read a room.
SARAH: Or they can read a room and they don't care.
KAYLA: Or they just fucking suck.
SARAH: Yeah. If you are a young person who lives with your parents—is financially dependent on their parents—you can feel very stuck. And I get that. But also just think, like, the time is not too far away when you will be able to decide what your holiday traditions are going to be. And once you are in that position, you don't have to spend it with your family if you don't want to. Even if they want you to be there. It's your call. And if you are an adult and you still feel boxed in, talk to the people around you, like if it's a spouse or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner who's, like, they make you feel obligated to go to things, talk to them about it. If it's still a parent that makes you feel obligated to go to things, talk to them about it and be like, "Hey. I don't feel comfortable at this thing. Can I..." or just be like—you're an adult, so you can (laughs) you can make that call if it's your parent—just be like, "I'm not going to go/can we create another tradition? Like, can we do our own Christmas Eve this year?" Because you are in control of your own life, and family can be a lot sometimes. But you and your safety and your security is always going to be the most important thing.
KAYLA: What a very American thing to say. I'm just thinking about this advice from the perspective of a lot of other cultures, where, like, family is everything. But I agree with you. But, to me... like, you're first—your safety and your sanity and all of that. Yeah, it might suck to cut some family out or not go to traditions, but you are first.
SARAH: Yeah. And, like, if you are feeling really reticent to cut family out or to kind of take a step away, or if you're from a culture where that's just not a thing you do, like, remember that you can create your own family. No one's stopping you from creating your own traditions. I mean, there may be things culturally stopping you. Or if you are a minor or you live with your parents—you know, there may be, like, a parent stopping you—but there will get to be a point in your life where the only thing stopping you from doing that—from breaking free of that—is yourself.
KAYLA: Inspirational! Who is she!
SARAH: I actually hate that I said that.
KAYLA: Who. Is she.
SARAH: Like, it's true, but I hate that those words came out of my mouth.
KAYLA: Who is she.
SARAH: I sound like a fuckin' American Girl poster.
KAYLA: You really do. You sound like the cat poster we have downstairs that we got from an American Girl magazine.
SARAH: I hate it. But it's true.
KAYLA: It is.
SARAH: And it sucks!
KAYLA: But it's true.
SARAH: And I know it's easier said than done. Especially coming from a person who hasn't had to do it.
KAYLA: Well, yeah. This—it sucks, because we're verging on the "it gets better" campaign at this point.
SARAH: Ugh.
KAYLA: Especially because neither of us have had to deal with this.
SARAH: It's not that it gets better. It's that you can make it better for yourself. Someday. Maybe it's not today. Also, fuckin' try and convert your family. Make it—
KAYLA: Make a gang!
SARAH: Convert your family to be ace-loving humans. Because for some people it is possible to change your family's minds. It's not possible for everyone. But if you...
KAYLA: The cause is not lost in every family. Like, there's plenty of stories of families being upset with their kid coming out as gay and then they turn it around and things are fine eventually.
SARAH: And sometimes that takes a week, and sometimes it takes a decade.
KAYLA: But, like, it can.
SARAH: It can happen.
KAYLA: It can happen if you think it's worth it to try.
SARAH: If you think that this is a relationship that's worth saving, then by all means try. But you also do have to be able to look at it and be like, "Okay. For my..." What are you looking at?
KAYLA: Your bottle of foundation is so white.
SARAH: I know. I'm pale.
KAYLA:
I just, like, saw Sarah’s foundation bottle across the office slash it's Sarah’s room—we're in Sarah’s room. And her bottle of foundation is on her desk. And truly, like, it is as light as my concealer. No, it's lighter. It's definitely lighter than my concealer.
(35:00)
SARAH: (deep sigh)
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: I forgot what I was saying.
KAYLA: Sorry. Got distracted.
SARAH: Ah, whatever. Yeah. Family: what the fuck. And if you do have a good family, yay. I'm happy for you. If you have a good found family, very happy for you. Glad that you have found that found family. If have pets, oh, we love it. (Kayla laughs) Your pets love you no matter what.
KAYLA: My greatest wish is for someone to listen to this podcast that has a cow.
SARAH: Wow. That'd be nice.
KAYLA: Any farmers out there? (Sarah laughs) Anybody?
SARAH: Also, y'all, your pets will love you no matter what.
KAYLA: Yeah, they're dumb.
SARAH: Your pets aren't aphobic.
KAYLA: No. They don't get it. They're too dumb for that.
SARAH: Or are they too smart for that?
KAYLA: Ooh.
SARAH: Eyyy.
KAYLA: Interesting argument.
SARAH: Yeah. It's a situation where it's, like, anything can happen, but also... I forgot.
KAYLA: And suddenly, no longer an inspiration. (Sarah laughs)
SARAH: Yeah. Bring your fuckin' note cards, prepare a PowerPoint...
KAYLA: Have an ally.
SARAH: Have a TedTalk. Be an ally if you can, which, you can, so don't worry about it.
KAYLA: So.
SARAH: Never out people, and...
KAYLA: This is good, solid advice.
SARAH: Umm... read the room.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I know it's easier for some people to read the room than it is for others. But you gotta do your best.
KAYLA: It's a learned skill. You can get better at reading rooms.
SARAH: Gotta do your best. Do you have anything to add?
KAYLA: No. No I don't.
SARAH: Okay. What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: (blows nose)
SARAH: I didn't like that and that's not a poll. Also, last week's poll—it's only a couple days in so we don't have the final results yet—y'all need to stop saying the "s" word!
KAYLA: Here's—I would like to...
SARAH: The "s" word being "soda."
KAYLA: I would like to give a shoutout to one listener in particular. (Sarah laughs) Actually, two. I'll give a shoutout to two. To... to... oh, no. Can't pronounce this. It's very Italian.
SARAH: Let me see it. Guillermo Orguza?
KAYLA: Guillermo?
SARAH: Guillermo's the person.
KAYLA: Guillermo, who replied to our poll and said, "Where's the option for 'spicy water'?"
SARAH: I hate it!
KAYLA: Honestly, that tweet saved my relationship. Because I now only let my boyfriend say "spicy water" instead of "soda."
SARAH: Does he do it, though?
KAYLA: Well, we haven't... we haven't needed it recently. (Sarah laughs) But I did tell him that that was going to have to be our compromise. He also suggested "bubbly yum yum." Which is good. And then someone on Twitter, Sir Dirty Uncle Kevin—first of all, I'm sure you're very lovely, but can we talk about your Twitter name?
SARAH: I'm a little freaked out.
KAYLA: I'm a little scared. Um, anyway, got into a fight with... I think some of their friends that don't listen to the podcast got into a very long argument about how the Coke thing, like calling it an orange Coke, isn't a thing, and they compared it to saying...
SARAH: Oh, the car thing!
KAYLA: "I just got a new Chevy." "Oh, what did you get?" "A Mustang." And then their friend replied, "I love my Honda Chevy." (Sarah laughs) So anyway. Shouts out to those answers. But also, shouts out to none of you because currently "pop" is losing by way too much.
SARAH: Shoutout to 39 percent of you so far who have voted for "pop."
KAYLA: Like, if you say "soda," I don't know, maybe stop listening.
SARAH: Please don't do this.
KAYLA: Just a thought.
SARAH: Just start saying "pop," it's fine.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Listen, I'm just trying to convert all my friends who don't say "pop." I'm working on it.
KAYLA: She is. I saw some very...
SARAH: There were some tweets!
KAYLA: ...passionate tweets and some passionate texts between Sarah and her friends.
SARAH: I have friends!
KAYLA: Yeah, I know. I'm upset about it.
SARAH: (chuckles darkly) Okay, what's our poll for this week? That was our secondary poll from last week. (Kayla laughs) Poll of the week... I kinda just wanna have a fun poll this week.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: If a person is in a situation where they need to change the topic, what should they change the topic to?
KAYLA: Capybaras.
SARAH: Capybaras. Weed?
KAYLA: (quoting Vine again) "Chris, is that a weed?" Hold on, I need to write this down or I'll forget.
(40:00)
SARAH: (laughs) Yeah. Okay, so, capybaras, weed. Um... I was gonna say, "the Israel-Palestine conflict" but that won't be good.
KAYLA: Don't do that!
SARAH: Weed's bad enough, depending on your family. Where should the next Olympics be held?
KAYLA: The next Olympics are already...
SARAH: The next one that hasn't been decided yet.
KAYLA: I don't even... how do I write that in 25 characters?
SARAH: Uh, whatever the next year is, "Olympics??" What's the next Olympic year that hasn't been decided?
KAYLA: Mm, I'm just gonna write, "Olympics location"?
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: With several question marks.
SARAH: Um, and then the last option will be...
KAYLA: This podcast. No.
SARAH: That's not a good thing to bring up—
KAYLA: So unhelpful.
SARAH: —if they're aphobic. Family drama. Like, other family drama. Like, past family drama. Okay, so, capybaras...
KAYLA: (dramatically) Ancient. Family. Drama.
SARAH: Capybaras, weed... what was the...
KAYLA: Olympics location??
SARAH: Olympics location??, family drama.
KAYLA: I'll probably put in the year. Hold on, let me look up...
SARAH: Wow, that poll was all over the place. Just like me.
KAYLA: What do I even Google? "Olympics location schedule"?
SARAH: 2020 is Tokyo, right?
KAYLA: Let's see. 2020 is in Tokyo...
SARAH: 2024 is LA.
KAYLA: 2022 is Beijing. No, Paris is 2024.
SARAH: Oh. 2028 is LA.
KAYLA: Oh, that's fun...
SARAH: I'll be there.
KAYLA: ...the 100th anniversary of the 1924 Olympics was in Paris. Now they're having it... so do they not have one for past 2024? Oh, Los Angeles 2028.
SARAH: Yeah. I'll be there. Woo hoo. Maybe.
KAYLA: So then after that will be 2030. They don't have...
SARAH: Or 2032, cuz Summer Olympics is... Summer Olympics seems the funner thing to say.
KAYLA: Oh, 2026 Winter Olympics is still TBD.
SARAH: Oh. Let's do Summer Olympics, though. I feel like you have more options.
KAYLA: Right, what do you want me to do? 2032?
SARAH: 2032.
KAYLA: That is not a real year. (Sarah laughs) Ew. That... (retches) does not exist. That year does not exist.
SARAH: Okay. Australia. Perth. Adelaide. Adelaide, Australia.
KAYLA: You... are you guessing right now? Are we putting bets on this?
SARAH: But it will be winter there. But it's, I think, temperate enough.
KAYLA: Alright. That's where you're saying 2032...
SARAH: Adelaide is not that big a city. Oh, they had in Sydney in 2000. Then we're not gonna do Australia. Uh... uh... uh... I need to look closer. Brb.
KAYLA: Sweden.
SARAH: Stockholm?
KAYLA: Mmhmm. It's my bid.
SARAH: I'm gonna go for a dark horse. Bucharest?
KAYLA: Why?
SARAH: I saw it and I was like, "That's interesting."
KAYLA: Alright. Also, our secondary poll is "Where do you think the 2032 Summer Olympics will be held?"
SARAH: Bucharest? Dark horse candidate?
KAYLA: Place your bets now. Vote now on your phones.
SARAH: Okay! What's your beef of the week?
KAYLA: Oh, uh... (both laugh) Gets hard when you record multiple in very short succession.
SARAH: My beef of the week is beaches that are rocky. They look nice sometimes, but they're really hard on the feet.
KAYLA: What a first world problem.
SARAH: And, you know, a lot of the Great Lakes, some of them are sandy beaches, some of them are rocky beaches. And I want to wade in the water with my shoes not on, and it can be painful. Slippery, sharp. Beef of the week is rocky beaches. (both laugh)
KAYLA: God.
SARAH: Well, cuz right by the Mackinac Bridge in Michigan, it's like big rocks. It's sand, and then in the water it's really big rocks. And so you might slip and die or you might stab yourself.
KAYLA: Wow. Okay. Traumatic.
SARAH: It gets slick. Algae-ish.
KAYLA: My beef of the week is...
SARAH: Torque.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Torque.
KAYLA: That's—no.
SARAH: Physics.
KAYLA: Physics I do hate, but... (Sarah laughs). Huh.
SARAH: You're running out of time.
KAYLA: No. I got it. It's happening.
SARAH: When there are sirens in the background of our podcast?
KAYLA: They're coming. Because I didn't think of my beef of the week fast enough.
SARAH: When there are train sounds (laughs) in the background of our podcast?
(45:00)
KAYLA: (tsks) There's people in my house all of a sudden.
SARAH: Kayla doesn't have a beef of the week. Okay!
KAYLA: My beef of the week is that I don't have a beef of the week!
SARAH: You can find our poll or tell us about your beef of the week or what Kayla 's beef of the week should be.
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me what my beef of the week should be this week!
SARAH: (laughs) You can do that on our Twitter @soundsfakepod, or if you have advice for humans who are home for the holidays.
KAYLA: I just remembered the last person I wanted to shoutout on our Twitter who made poll for us—
SARAH: Oh my god, yes!
KAYLA: —about whether it was data (pronounced "dah-tuh") or data (pronounced "day-tuh").
SARAH: Data (pronounced "day-tuh").
KAYLA: Data (pronounced "day-tuh"). Data (pronounced "day-tuh") did win by one vote.
SARAH: YES. How many people voted?
KAYLA: Like five people.
SARAH: We love it. Also, another one...
KAYLA: @theaceinme2, thank you for that.
SARAH: Another upcoming tertiary poll: alcohol (pronounced "ull-co-hall")
KAYLA: It's alcohol (pronounced "all-co-hall").
SARAH: Alcohol (pronounced "ull-co-hall")
KAYLA: We are not locking ourselves into doing a secondary poll every week. We struggle enough coming up with the primary poll.
SARAH: This is a tertiary poll.
KAYLA: We're not—okay, you know what. (Sarah laughs) We'll discuss this at home!
SARAH: I am in my room. Alcohol (pronounced "ull-co-hall"). Um, anyway, our Twitter is @soundsfakepod, you can also email us at soundsfakepod@gmail.com, or find us on Tumblr soundsfakepod.tumblr.com. We also have a Patreon if you'd like to give us your money and tell us whether it's alcohol (pronounced "all-co-hall") or alcohol (pronounced "ull-co-hall"). It's alcohol (pronounced "ull-co-hall").
KAYLA: Only patrons get to vote.
SARAH: (laughs) You can find us by going to patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $2 patrons are Sara Jones and Keith McBlaine. Our $5 patrons are... I'm trying to do it from memory. Jennifer Smart... Perry Fiero is last. Austin Le, Asritha Vinnakota, and... ooh! ooh!
KAYLA: Is it... Drew Finney?
SARAH: Drew Finney! I knew the D. I couldn't remember. Drew Finney, our midwestern boy. Thank you to all of our...
KAYLA: He says "pop."
SARAH: (laughs) He sure does. He better.
KAYLA: God bless.
SARAH: Drew!
KAYLA: Drew!
SARAH: Thank you to all our lovely, lovely patrons. If you would like to become a patron and give us your money and have your name said slash forgotten by me...
KAYLA: And you get episodes a day early. A shoutout...
SARAH: That's true! You get Sounds Fake Saturday instead of Sounds Fake Sunday.
KAYLA: Yeah. We'll shout out anything you want—your Twitter, your Instagram, your place of work—
SARAH: If you give us permission.
KAYLA: —your business, your dog. If you give us enough money. Truly, lots of perks. Go check it out.
SARAH: You can suggest that we do a tertiary poll every week.
KAYLA: Mmm.
SARAH: But yes. Thank you for listening. We will... I don't know why I just started saying an outro that wasn't the right one.
KAYLA: Mmhmm.
SARAH: Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your capybaras.
SARAH: And your cows.
KAYLA: Eh.
SARAH: And your capybara cows.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: (laughs) Yes.