Ep 65: New Year's Resolutions
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey, what’s up hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake but Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl, I’m Sarah, that’s me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode: New Year, new me.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Coming to you—not live—from Sarah’s childhood dining room.
SARAH: Yup. It's a pretty fancy room. Didn't used to be this fancy.
KAYLA: It is pretty fancy. It's Christmassy, it's our portable office today.
SARAH: Yup. The room is not portable but our microphones...
KAYLA: But we are! If you follow us on Twitter—which you should because our Twitter almost has more followers than my Twitter, which is not that impressive—
SARAH: Definitely has more followers than my Twitter, because people don't follow me. Rude. @costiellie.
KAYLA: Okay. But I've been tweeting some nice Costello quotes because truly Sarah’s family is just a bunch of hers, and she is wild. (Sarah laughs) Got offered a bowl of ham.
SARAH: Yeah. Like a large bowl.
KAYLA: Just a bowl.
SARAH: A whole ham.
KAYLA: Full of ham. That Sarah was eatin' ham out of.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And her sister was carrying around.
SARAH: Yeah. This week we are talking about...
KAYLA: New year, new us.
SARAH: Oh my god. We're talking about New Year's resolutions. Now, here's a caveat. I explained this last year...
KAYLA: And still we're doing it again.
SARAH: Still we're doing it again. I have some beef.
KAYLA: Oh, Sarah beef of the life.
SARAH: It is. I have some beef with New Year's resolutions. I think making changes in your life is great, but you shouldn't wait until January—unless it happens to be January 1st—you know, when you think of changes, you should start now. Or maybe tomorrow, I don't know.
KAYLA: (laughs) Pencil it in.
SARAH: Yeah. So all the things I have listed I kind of started doing them when I thought of them. And it is not January yet. So you should do that, people.
KAYLA: Yeah, I'd say mine has been a work in progress for a little bit but is still... the way I'm looking at what I've written is, like, goals that you can check back up on next year. Because we are gonna look at what we said last year.
SARAH: Yeah. I think New Year's resolutions are very well-intentioned. But...
KAYLA: But they're stupid.
SARAH: Yeah!
KAYLA: They just don't work out.
SARAH: So we're going to do an episode about them. (both laugh)
KAYLA: Cuz we think they're so stupid!
SARAH: Woohoo!
KAYLA: It matches the theme, since we think it's fake. But we're doing it anyway!
SARAH: That's true!
KAYLA: On brand.
SARAH: So last year we sort of talked about our resolutions in our New Year's episode. We talked about some other things too.
KAYLA: What did we talk about?
SARAH: Uh... if you could change your sexuality, would you.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah.
SARAH: I listened to the episode. Or at least some of it. But I didn't really have a resolution last year. It was moreso you. Do you want to know what your resolution was?
KAYLA: I would love to, because I don't really remember!
SARAH: Your resolution was to fully accept your sexuality and not be mad at it.
KAYLA: Hmm.
SARAH: How do you feel you've done?
KAYLA: I think... looking back at to where I know I was when I said that, because I remember the events that...
SARAH: You said, "Wouldn't it be great if I wasn't demi?"
KAYLA: I did say that just last year around this time.
SARAH: Do you ever think that still?
KAYLA: Um... not as much. I don't think it happened very often at all. I think in the last year I have done a very good job, if I do say so myself, of accepting it. Cuz I... at that point last year I was still getting over a big breakup and some other situationships—which I guess is not a common word, first of all, and should be, cuz it's an excellent descriptor.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Anyway. But this past year I've, like, dated openly, I guess... I've dated...
SARAH: Question mark?
KAYLA: I've dated. I've been on the market. (both laugh)
SARAH: Jesus.
KAYLA: Which kind of forced me to... I had to accept it. And I think... I feel like I did a good job of that when dating. Cuz... okay, the reason I'm confused on my words is because once I'm in a relationship with someone, then my sexuality doesn't really matter?
SARAH: It still matters, but it doesn't matter to how the relationship is progressing.
(05:00)
KAYLA: Like, the one barrier has been crossed. So it's kinda like, well, here we are. So before getting into relationships I think I did a good job of being open about it and I've gotten better about it through the year.
SARAH: Good. Was there any specific time where you realized, "Oh, hey. That's nice." Or was it just like a slow...
KAYLA: I did... I had a nice breakthrough recently, and my therapist was very proud of me. (both laugh) This is part of my new resolution for myself, also, so. Transition.
SARAH: Mmkay.
KAYLA: Is that... this is a very personal...
SARAH: (laughs) Kayla just did a weird thing with her hair.
KAYLA: But I mean, also I talk about my sex life often on this. So. Anyway.
SARAH: Welcome to this podcast.
KAYLA: Welcome to this podcast! This is why my parents aren't allowed to listen to this. So, typically in almost every relationship I've had... no. Yes. In college besides one, but that... whatever. Okay. Back it up. (Sarah laughs) So every relationship or situationship I've been in in college, at the first sign of, like, any physical intimacy or anything like that, I will have an anxiety attack and I will puke because that's what happens when I have an anxiety attack.
SARAH: We love it.
KAYLA: Sarah has seen me puke so many times.
SARAH: Truly.
KAYLA: It's... I met her, and within, like, three days she had seen me puke.
SARAH: I think it was within one day. Well, you puked in the Chipotle. (both laugh)
KAYLA: I remember.
SARAH: Iconic.
KAYLA: Some people like to count the places they've had sex. I like to count the places that I've puked. (laughs) Anyway. So usually at the first sign of, like, I'll think that they want to proceed further...
SARAH: "Proceed further" (laughs)
KAYLA: Or whatever. That, like, something might happen, I will have an anxiety attack. (clears throat) My most current relationship that did not happen...
SARAH: Yayyyy!
KAYLA: Which was very exciting.
SARAH: That is exciting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Nice.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: So what's your resolution?
KAYLA: Oh. (Sarah laughs) So my resolution is already progressing, I guess. Part of just my resolution for myself also, I guess, is to disentangle my sexuality from my anxiety.
SARAH: Oh. Fancy.
KAYLA: Mm yes. Because I'm already in therapy—would recommend, go see a therapist—I'm working on a lot of internal things. Because, you know, my external life is going really well. So now we're working on inner problems.
SARAH: The innards.
KAYLA: You know what I'm sayin'? My innards.
SARAH: I do.
KAYLA: And so my anxiety is already something I'm working on a lot recently. And so it's interesting to me that my sexuality does coexist with my anxiety very heavily, because it used to be that my anxiety was triggered by school stuff and grades and tests or whatever. But since college, it's really been relationships that have triggered it, which is interesting to me and I would like to make that stop.
SARAH: That's a good resolution, I think.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: It's something that will probably take time.
KAYLA: Yeah, it will.
SARAH: It's not something that you can just be like, "I've resolved this."
KAYLA: Yeah. But it's nice because I've already made steps. Like, me not having an anxiety attack at the first sign of, like, "I might be having sex." Like, that was a really big deal actually for me. It might sound super lame, but it was a big deal. So the fact that I'm already taking steps towards it makes it...
SARAH: (applauding lightly) A golf clap, in case you're wondering what that weird noise is.
KAYLA: Thank you. So it makes it, like... it gives me more motivation to actually do more.
SARAH: Heck yeah.
KAYLA: You know?
SARAH: Mmkay. So that's your sexuality resolution?
KAYLA: That's my sexuality resolution.
SARAH: My sexuality resolution is to stop worrying so much.
KAYLA: Ugh. That should just be your resolution forever for everything.
SARAH: Because ya girl sometimes still feels a little bit like an aro fraud. And sometimes I question my aro-ness still. But it doesn't matter. Because even if I am questioning it, like, I don't need to worry about that. Like, I don't need to worry about, like, "Oh, I'm not a real ace person" because, like, I still am. And so I just need to, like... I always feel like I need to have a definitive answer, but sometimes it's okay to be, like, "Mrh."
KAYLA: We should do an episode about that.
SARAH: We kind of did. We did questioning.
KAYLA: We did. And we did one just on aro-ness. But we recently got a message on someone asking if we had done an episode just on the process of coming to... being like, "Oh, I'm aro." I don't know how much we got into that.
SARAH: It's a difficult thing to do. We should do an episode about that.
KAYLA: Because we did do an episode just on aromanticism. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, though.
(10:00)
SARAH: Yeah. But I think we can go more into depth on how you realize it. Because it's a little bit harder because the line between "I have a crush on this person" and "I have a squish on this person" is not always clear. And that's the problem that I have.
KAYLA: And I think it's a different type of fuzzy than being ace is.
SARAH: I think it is.
KAYLA: It's a whole kind of different situation that is harder in some ways.
SARAH: Well, because I'm very sure that I'm ace. I don't question that one. But, like, the aro-ness... and that was always from the start—the aro was the one that I needed more time to... Regardless, I need to stop worrying so much about it. It is what it is, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Whatever. Who cares.
KAYLA: You should take your own advice. I feel like we give that advice... Especially in the questioning episode we were like, "It's fine!" and then...
SARAH: You don't take your own advice.
KAYLA: Well, you know. It's hard.
SARAH: We love it.
KAYLA: But that is a good resolution.
SARAH: I guess is there anything else that you felt wasn't necessarily a resolution that you had, but you felt like you got better at this year in regards to, like, your sexuality or the podcast? Because we definitely improved the podcast.
KAYLA: Yeah. The podcast has been kinda really wild this year.
SARAH: It really has.
KAYLA: It's grown a ton just in the amount of people that listen, the amount of people that have messaged us or engaged with us on Twitter. Like, we have a core group of people that kind of tweet at us every week for episodes. It's really cute.
SARAH: It's wild!
KAYLA: There's like maybe five or six people that consistently I'll be like, I know they're going to tweet us every week.
SARAH: And I'm like, "I know who you are!"
KAYLA: There's a couple that... oh, okay, so first of all, apologies to Sir Dirty Uncle Kevin.
SARAH: It's not creepy anymore.
KAYLA: It's not creepy, it's cute. His niece helped him with his... we talked about this last...
SARAH: With his Twitter name.
KAYLA: With his Twitter name. But he and his wife listen to us every week together.
SARAH: It's so cute.
KAYLA: And it is so cute. And they're like, thirty, and they listen to us.
SARAH: It's so fuckin' cute.
KAYLA: I know they had some family drama this holiday season, so I hope you guys are doing well. But it's very sweet. And yeah, we have a core group of people that I can count on to be like, "Oh, I know they're gonna say 'hey' every week."
SARAH: It's so nice.
KAYLA: But yeah, the podcast is growing a ton.
SARAH: Because definitely us being apart this summer really helped with the consistency of this podcast. Because now we plan. Except for when Kayla sometimes forgets to post it on Saturday for the patrons.
KAYLA: I'm so sorry.
SARAH: I almost reminded her and then...
KAYLA: You trusted me too much.
SARAH: I trusted her too much. (laughs)
KAYLA: You shouldn't do that. I always... you know, we're on break, and so the days mush together. I'm very sorry. Please forgive me.
SARAH: But I definitely think the pod is a lot better. I think it's much more consistent, but also I think our content has gotten better because we've started preparing more. Because over the summer when we were doing it remotely, we had to prepare more.
KAYLA: We couldn't just sit down and be like, "Alright. What are we doing today."
SARAH: "What are we gonna talk about today."
KAYLA: Because we had limited time to do things, especially with the time difference.
SARAH: Yeah. So I think that's better. Shouts out to that. I hope you are all enjoying it. And we have mics now.
KAYLA: Wooohooo.
SARAH: So I was... when I listened to the one from last year—which we didn't have mics at that time—and the volume wasn't necessarily any different, but the quality sure is!
KAYLA: Because we were just recording it, like, on our laptops.
SARAH: And we're sitting closer to our mics today. I wanted to see if that would... I think it'll help when we're in our office.
KAYLA: We have foldup tables. (laughs)
SARAH: We have foldup tables. We might have to figure out how to get closer to our mics. But whatever!
KAYLA: It's fine. Do you have any resolutions for the podcast?
SARAH: I would like to get us on Spotify.
KAYLA: Ooh, it pains me.
SARAH: The problem is the money.
KAYLA: Um, yeah. To get on Spotify we basically need to service ourselves not through Soundcloud, through something else, which takes money. But, I mean, I would like to be on Spotify. Because I feel like once we're there, we're everywhere. And we're very official.
SARAH: That's true.
KAYLA: Well then we literally would be everywhere, because we're everywhere else already.
SARAH: We recently got a new patron.
KAYLA: We did!
SARAH: Very exciting. If you would also like to be a new patron and help us afford Spotify... (laughs)
KAYLA: Please.
SARAH: Please? Hit us up?
KAYLA: Yeah, the link is in the description.
SARAH: I almost said the doobly-do, as if this is a Vlog Brothers video.
KAYLA: I hate you so much. Anyway.
SARAH: Also the link could be in my pants. Cuz that's the other thing that they say.
KAYLA: You're so weird. (Sarah laughs) So it's there if you want to throw us some money-dollars. You get some cool perks. Unless I'm a stupidhead, you get—
(15:00
SARAH: Unless!
KAYLA: You get episodes a day early.
SARAH: (sings) Sounds Fake Saturday!
KAYLA: (in a funny voice) Sounds like fun.
SARAH: Okay, that's enough plugging.
KAYLA: No, I was gonna tell them what else they get...
SARAH: We'll tell them again later.
KAYLA: Fine, we'll plug later, but please give us money.
SARAH: I know this is our podcast, but I feel bad about plugging.
KAYLA: Well, but we're poor. So we have to.
SARAH: That's true. Yeah. I wanna get us on Spotify this year. Which might not be, like, until the October...
KAYLA: The end of next year (laughs).
SARAH: ...When Soundcloud renews.
KAYLA: Yeah. We'll see what happens. But I would also like to try to keep this going after we graduate.
SARAH: Yeah. That's true.
KAYLA: Because I don't know where Sarah or I—well, we know where Sarah’s going to be eventually.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: LA.
SARAH: And I think I know where I'm going to be for the next year, which is still here.
KAYLA: Yeah. But I could be moving, so... well, I will be moving somewhere. (Sarah laughs) But I could be moving kinda far away. So. But I want to still do this, cuz I like this.
SARAH: Yeah. We're gonna keep doing this pod.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Lit.
KAYLA: (makes slurping sound with tongue)
SARAH: O-okay.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Do you have any other resolutions just in your own...
KAYLA: Um... I mean, I have a lot of personal ones about, like, becoming a more sound person, I guess. Which is...
SARAH: This podcast is always sound, though. Ba-dum-tiss.
KAYLA: My resolution is to not be friends with you anymore.
SARAH: I made a really great pun to my grandma the other day. You know what she said?
KAYLA: "Go away."
SARAH: She said, "But Sarah, when you go to the show," which means when you go to the movies (laughs).
KAYLA: Old people.
SARAH: (laughs) She said, "What do you look for?" Or, like, "What do you look at in movies?"—because I'm a film major—and I said, "I look at the screen." (laughs) She got mad.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: And it was funny.
KAYLA: I'm glad she did.
SARAH: I look at the screen!
KAYLA: You're not funny.
SARAH: Anyway. What were you talking about?
KAYLA: Any other resolutions.
SARAH: Oh, soundness. Well, I don't know what that means.
KAYLA: Just... so you know I'm in therapy, and I realized a big problem I have is I have no self-esteem at all. (laughs) Which is not a problem I thought I had. But basically, like...
SARAH: It's a problem I knew she had.
KAYLA: Tea. (both laugh) I just need outside validation, basically, as a person, to feel good about myself. Which is not good. Like, outside validation is good. But the fact that I need it constantly and I constantly am seeking it is exhausting. So I would like to be able to not need that to be a happy person. (laughs)
SARAH: That's good.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Or at least need it less. Cuz everyone needs it to some extent.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, it's still good. I'll take it if you wanna give me it.
SARAH: Give. Her. Compliments.
KAYLA: Give. Me. Compliments.
SARAH: If you haven't seen that video, please do.
KAYLA: You're wrong.
SARAH: Do you have anything else?
KAYLA: I don't think so.
SARAH: Mkay. Okay. Oh, I wrote that wrong.
KAYLA: Mmm?
SARAH: Well, whatever. I have things that I feel like I got better at this year—
KAYLA: What'd you get better at, Sarah?
SARAH: —even though they weren't, like, resolutions.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, but it still... I'm looking back.
SARAH: Yeah. I got better at being more grateful for things. Because, as I said, I like to think about the things I'm grateful for before I go to bed.
KAYLA: She does.
SARAH: And it's been helpful.
KAYLA: That's good.
SARAH: Cuz then I'm like, "Wow. Things are good." You know what else I learned? Maybe not all hope is lost in regards to America.
KAYLA: Really? You learned that?
SARAH: Hey. Hey. Midterms? Did okay.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: You know? And I got a lot better at being politically involved.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Much to the chagrin of some of our listeners. (laughs)
KAYLA: Listen, the one listener I know that hates it.
SARAH: Too bad. (rough voice) It's our podcast, we'll do what we want.
KAYLA: Ooh, look at my nails.
SARAH: They can't see your nails.
KAYLA: I'm talking to you, Sarah!
SARAH: Don't be exclusive. (pause) Interesting. But I have other things I would like to do.
KAYLA: What would you like to do?
SARAH: That are, like, less about whatever. I think I say this always, but I want to read. Just for fun. Just for pleasure. Just once a week. Only once a week. Just once. Just once. (Kayla laughs) I'm trying to be realistic here.
KAYLA: That is good. Gotta set realistic goals.
SARAH: I'd like to do it just once a week. Just read some pages. Cuz, like, I just finished a book the other day that I started reading in May.
KAYLA: Mmm, yup.
SARAH: It was a good book. I just...
KAYLA: Yeah, no. I miss reading.
SARAH: Yeah. And I also recently decided I want to get better at handstands.
KAYLA: Why are you the way you are?
(20:00)
SARAH: Listen. Have you seen Stefanie Millinger on Instagram? I think I may have shown her to you. She's Austrian and she's crazy, and she does wild handstands everywhere, and she's very strong. And I'm like, even when I did gymnastics I could never do a press handstand. I wanna learn how to do a press handstand, but because I'm realistic I'm just gonna press down on my handstand, instead of press up. And if you don't know what I'm talking about that's okay.
KAYLA: (deep sniff inhale)
SARAH: But we don't have any walls in Ann Arbor.
KAYLA: (snorts)
SARAH: (laughs) I mean, we have walls.
KAYLA: Ann Arbor has no walls. It's all open!
SARAH: My room has a lot of walls. It's just that none of them, are, like, appropriate for handstanding.
KAYLA: I also don't think you should do it in our house, cuz our house is very rickety.
SARAH: It really is. I could just break the house.
KAYLA: You would probably break the wall. Or the floor. Or be so loud.
SARAH: Yeah, that's the problem.
KAYLA: So. Save it for the gym.
SARAH: Mkay. I also wanna stretch more. I wanna stretch my body.
KAYLA: (snorts)
SARAH: At least twice a week.
KAYLA: You're so annoying.
SARAH: You have a podcast with me.
KAYLA: That does not mean you're not annoying, that means I put up with it occasionally.
SARAH: At least once a week.
KAYLA: Well, not for long.
SARAH: Okay. But yeah. I think those are all, like, self-care things. To other people, they would be like, "What? How is that..."
KAYLA: No, self-care is important.
SARAH: But, like, for me those are self-care things.
KAYLA: Yeah. That was another thing I'd say—doing more things just for myself.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Is a good thing.
SARAH: It's a good thing to do. Sleeping more.
KAYLA: Yeah, you really need to sleep more, really bad. Really bad.
SARAH: But hey. I actually listened to you for next semester.
KAYLA: You finally—
SARAH: I didn't overload myself.
KAYLA: Sarah, for the first time in our college career, listened to me about scheduling advice and did the correct thing and didn't take a thousand classes.
SARAH: You're welcome.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: Yeah. Self-care.
KAYLA: Is important.
SARAH: Also, here's the thing about—since we're talking about these resolutions publicly—
KAYLA: Now we have to.
SARAH: —we are held accountable.
KAYLA: Which is... I'm so lame. It's a thing in psychology that if you wanna get people to do things you have to make them say them out loud. Sign things. Anyway.
SARAH: Gotta make accountability. Otherwise you won't do it.
KAYLA: So now we have to. Because we're going to listen to this next year, and if we didn't do it, we're going to look STUPID.
SARAH: We will look stupid.
KAYLA: We already look stupid.
SARAH: We look stupid, constantly.
KAYLA: We'll look even more stupid.
SARAH: Um, okay. Do you have any resolutions for the queer community?
KAYLA: Are we doing resolutions for each other, or are we doing that...
SARAH: I was gonna do that later.
KAYLA: Okay. That's cute. For the queer—
SARAH: "That's cute."
KAYLA: That's cute. Well, I have one for the ace community. Is to expand. Because I think currently the ace community is very (aspirates "h") white, and from what I can see, I think it's, like, middle class, and really Western. But I know that, like, a lot of people feel this way, and I would love for it to be more acceptable other places. Like, I know we have listener—a few listeners—from Brazil, who we've talked to a little bit, and they've said that even being gay where they are, is like, no bueno.
SARAH: (laughs) Jesus.
KAYLA: I didn't mean to speak Spanish...
SARAH: They don't even speak Spanish!
KAYLA: I know. And I didn't speak another language on purpose cuz we're talking about Brazil. Truly, it just came out of my mouth. (Sarah laughs) I'm sorry. That was...
SARAH: I mean, people who speak Portuguese for the most part can understand Spanish.
KAYLA: Yeah, but that isn't even why I said that.
SARAH: Yeah, I know.
KAYLA: It truly just came out of my mouth.
SARAH: You really just said it.
KAYLA: It really just came right out. So I would just like it to be not so white and not so Western. Because this community, I think, can benefit a lot of people if we can expand it to them and get it to them.
SARAH: Even if people don't choose to take on these identities, like, these identifiers...
KAYLA: Just, like, knowing it's there.
SARAH: Knowing it's there and knowing that it's an option and knowing it's real. How can we help with that, though? Like, we can try and reach people more, but I don't know, like, what actions we can take.
KAYLA: I don't know. Cuz I recently saw... like, there are a lot of Twitters that we follow or I've seen that are, like, "Asexual wherever..." like, asexual communities in other countries. Like, there's one in India, and I think an ace woman in India recently got recognized by some LGBT foundation. I think I liked the tweet on our podcast. You can probably find it. So there are other communities in other countries. Maybe they're just not as big? Or maybe they are big, and we truly just don't know about them because we're Western and are bad about caring about anyone else.
(25:00)
SARAH: Yeah. (Kayla laughs) But also, even just, like, the act of encouraging our listeners to do what they can for ace recognition in their own countries goes a long way, too. Like, if we're able to motivate people to do things. Yeah. Good words by me. (laughs)
KAYLA: I know... so we have one listener from Brazil we've talked to a couple times, and then recently someone else from Brazil messaged us and was like, "Hey, my friend told me about this podcast." I don't know if it's that friend, if we have many people from Brazil who are talking to each other...
SARAH: Either way...
KAYLA: Either way, someone in Brazil told this person about this. So even just that...
SARAH: Or maybe they weren't from Brazil. Maybe it was in Internet friend. Either way!
KAYLA: Either way, it is being spread from here.
SARAH: And some of that's selfish. Like, "Of course I want more listeners." But also, just, like, it's important to spread the word.
KAYLA: It doesn't have to be us that you're sharing.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It should be. (both laugh)
SARAH: Yeah, but starting it beyond, just, like, the Western world. And also just, like, making our community more apparent to the rest of the queer community. Which ties into my resolutions with the community. Because mine is for the queer community more broadly. Stop...
KAYLA: Stop it.
SARAH: Stop it. Stop making a contest of who has suffered more for the barrier for entry. And that's hard—it's an easy thing to say, a hard thing to do. But I think encouraging people to not think about this community as one based on suffering, even though to some extent it is, but looking at the queer community as, like, a group of people who is coming together to help each other and to celebrate each other, rather than to be like, "Well, I have to go to conversion therapy." Which is horrible. It's truly horrible. But it shouldn't be a contest. And I think that's a big hurdle to overcome in terms of the ace community being more accepted in the larger queer community: just being, like, "We are all here because we are not straight." And, you know... if you've suffered horrible things, I am sorry. And we will try and fix those. But just because another person hasn't doesn't mean they don't belong here.
KAYLA: I agree.
SARAH: That's the tea.
KAYLA: I think... if I had one resolution for the greater community, it would be intersectionality.
SARAH: Mmhmm.
KAYLA: Because I feel like the white gays are getting too...
SARAH: They're too powerful!
KAYLA: Well, I mean, I wouldn't say that. But they are getting... too confident? I don't know.
SARAH: Confidence is good, but...
KAYLA: So, I think a lot of the queer community is getting a lot of privilege. Which is amazing and it's great, but it's also important to remember that not...
SARAH: That privilege is only going to certain people.
KAYLA: Yeah. It's going to you because you're white and you're middle class and you're a man or blah, blah, blah, whatever. And it's important to remember that there are other people who are integral parts of the community that have done a lot to get you where you are. I'm looking at you, Black trans women. And we don't do enough for them.
SARAH: We don't do enough for Black trans women.
KAYLA: We really don't. And so I think it's important to remember, like, you've gotten some really big steps recently and that's amazing, now use that—
SARAH: Use that privilege.
KAYLA: —to help other people.
SARAH: I think that's important. And as a person who is under the ace umbrella who is also white and who is also middle class—
KAYLA: (whispers) For now.
SARAH: For now. (laughs) Like, that is something that I try to use on this podcast. And I try to bring in other groups. I hope I've been successful in that so far. I do my best.
KAYLA: I mean, the fact that you're even aware of it, though, is a good step.
SARAH: Yeah. But use your... if you have a soapbox, use it not just for your direct peers who are often similar to you, but also for people who (singsong voice) don't have soapboxes.
KAYLA: Give them the box.
SARAH: Give them a box. Give them some soap. (laughs) Do you have any... do you have any resolutions for just, like, the world at large?
KAYLA: I do.
SARAH: Hit me with it.
KAYLA: It's... this is another thing that it's, like, so easily said, but, like...
SARAH: Completely impossible to do.
KAYLA: Completely impossible. But I think this is something that I think every single person just can do better at—and so that's why I say it's my resolution for the world—is to not assume that your experience maps onto the experience of everyone else. I think for humans it's so hard. Our lives are so complex that it's hard to imagine that people you don't know, someone you see in the street or even a friend of yours, is going through a lot of things that are very different from you and that they have their own hugely complex lives going on.
(30:00)
SARAH: Imagine others complexly.
KAYLA: Yeah. And so I think it's hard to imagine that people have different experiences than you growing up, or how they live or what they're dealing with, and so I think like actually walking in someone else's shoes—I know that's a very common phrase—but I don't think people actually do that.
SARAH: Yeah. And I think especially when you're looking at people who are very ideologically different from you, or that sort of thing, it's very easy to put them in a box. And I sure do it. But, like, you need to think about the other things that are contributing to why they think or act a certain way. Because a lot of times there are deeper problems that can be addressed and you can make life better for everyone, and maybe in the process you'll bring them over to your ideological side. Who knows?
KAYLA: Yeah. I think especially thinking about systemic things, I got in a conversation over Thanksgiving with my family about food stamps and social support for people that are unemployed and stuff, and you know that it's always the conversation of, like, "There's people just relying on it and being lazy," and "Why can't they get a job?" and blah, blah, blah. But I had just worked in a nonprofit that helped people that were unemployed, and I saw a lot of the other systemic reasons that people... and so, like, getting that experience of being able to talk to people like that and see all of the issues opened my eyes to things that I didn't realize. And so...
SARAH: Also, just, like, talk to people. Because my sister is doing a lot in terms of insurance right now. Like, she works with hospitals and people who don't have insurance, and, she helps sign them up for Medicare or Medicaid, or, you know, whatever they're applicable for. And I've learned so much about insurance just from hearing her talk about things. And obviously not everyone has a sister who knows a lot about insurance. But just, like, (singsong voice) listen to other people. Which is always easier said than done. And also a lot of times you end up in your little echo chamber on the Internet, so it can be hard to get other perspectives.
KAYLA: And I feel like I'm saying this from a high horse of "I do this so well," but, like...
SARAH: Because I don't do this very well.
KAYLA: I don't do this very well at all. Like, me and Sarah live in a very liberal place, and we're definitely in a bubble. And I like being in that bubble. And going... I lived in a very conservative place over the summer and it was really hard for me to have to listen to other people who didn't agree with me. And I'm very stubborn, so it was not easy. So I'm not saying this from a place of "I'm so good at this." This is also advice to myself that I need to listen to.
SARAH: The whole thing about you being, like, "People who have ideological differences from you, look at the causes of why they're upset," I don't do that at all. I was talking to myself. (both laugh) Yikes. Zoinks. My thing for the world is to stop trying to build a fucking wall. Which is kind of just America, but I think it's applicable to all of us. There've been lot of walls, okay. Walls, steel slats, whatever you wanna call it.
KAYLA: Tea.
SARAH: They're not useful.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I think this really ties into yours. Is, like, think about other people's experiences and why they feel the way they do. And don't build a wall.
KAYLA: It didn't work for Berlin.
SARAH: It really didn't.
KAYLA: So.
SARAH: So, uh...
KAYLA: How 'bout that!
SARAH: China has a great wall, but, like...
KAYLA: Yeah, but it didn't do what it was supposed to, though.
SARAH: Yeah, now it's just a wonder of the world. (laughs)
KAYLA: Booo, now it's just a wonder of the world.
SARAH: How dare it. Yeah. That's kinda my thing for the world. Just stop trying to build fucking walls, both literally and theoretically.
KAYLA: Mister Gorbachev?
SARAH: "Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"
KAYLA: See, that's such a famous quote and everyone celebrates that that wall isn't there. So think about that next time you try to build a wall—is that we have a day to celebrate the breaking of a wall. You know what, ma'am!
SARAH: You know what I—it's November 9th—you know what I saw the other day? I saw someone... so currently the U.S. government—or at least as we're recording this—the U.S. government is in a shutdown. Partial shutdown.
KAYLA: Oh, I also saw something about this I'd like to share after.
SARAH: It might be the same thing.
KAYLA: I hope it is.
SARAH: (laughs) But basically someone was like, "Well, if we just fired all of the people who aren't working in the shutdown right now, we would save enough money to build the wall." And I was like, "I'm sorry. What?"
KAYLA: I hate people so much!
SARAH: Like, people who are considered nonessential government... like, when my cousin was interning at NASA she was considered nonessential. But, like...
(35:00)
KAYLA: Would you fire NASA?
SARAH: I still think that space exploration is an important thing to do!
KAYLA: Just fire the entirety of NASA.
SARAH: Just fire all of NASA, fire all of, like...
KAYLA: Like half the Pentagon.
SARAH: Technically is Congress working right now?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah, let's fire all of Congress. (laughs)
KAYLA: Well, that might actually be a good idea. (laughs)
SARAH: But yeah. And I was like, "Well that's..."
KAYLA: Stupid.
SARAH: "Dumb." But also we need to think about why this person thinks that's okay. And that's hard to do sometimes.
KAYLA: I also...
SARAH: But we're trying.
KAYLA: Mine is different, but my parents were watching the news...
SARAH: Oh god. My dad watches the news and I hate it.
KAYLA: I hate it. But they were talking—the government employees that were... so this woman was still working but wasn't being paid because that is also something they're making permanent employees do, is work without pay.
SARAH: TSA agents who are helping you get places this holiday season aren't getting paid.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Be nice to them.
KAYLA: So this was some woman... that's also a nonessential person—are you just gonna fire TSA?
SARAH: Fire all of TSA.
KAYLA: But this woman, so she was working without pay and she was like, "Yeah, it sucks, but I think it's worth it because I care about our nation's security."
SARAH: (sarcastic) Wow.
KAYLA: And I was like, "What? You're okay with not being paid because you think this wall is such a good idea that you're okay not getting paid." Like, what?
SARAH: Was she talking about the wall when she was talking about security? Or was she talking about her job as a TSA agent?
KAYLA: I don't know what job she had.
SARAH: Oh, you don't know—okay. Cuz I was gonna say, if she was a TSA agent, then...
KAYLA: That I would understand.
SARAH: I could see that.
KAYLA: That would be like, "Aw, you care about your job a lot." But I don't think that's what she was.
SARAH: For those of you who don't know, TSA agents are the people at the airport who are at security and that sort of thing.
KAYLA: It make it take so long!
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But I took it as she was referencing the wall.
SARAH: Yikes.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yikes yikes yikes yikes. But, you know, we're gonna try and imagine these people complexly. It's not easy. (pained voice) But we're trying!
KAYLA: (pained voice) We're doing it!
SARAH: (pained voice) And we encourage you to do the same! (both laugh) Okay. Do you have anything else to say other than the ones for each other?
KAYLA: Um, sorry this episode turned politically.
SARAH: I'm not sorry. Anyway. That's my resolution: to not be sorry about things turning political.
KAYLA: (laughs) That's a good one.
SARAH: Okay. I have a resolution for you, Kayla.
KAYLA: I'm scared. We said these weren't gonna be passive aggressive, but I'm just...
SARAH: It's not passive aggressive. I don't think...
KAYLA: But I'm just so fearful about what other people say about me.
SARAH: Okay. My resolution for you is you need to be nicer to yourself.
KAYLA: Ugh. No.
SARAH: Which I think goes hand in hand with the whole, like, self-esteem thing. You need to be nicer to yourself. When you're saying something to yourself, think, "Would I say this to a friend?"
KAYLA: Well, that's a dangerous question, cuz I'm mean to you all the time.
SARAH: Not me. Pick someone else.
KAYLA: Pick someone I'm nice to. (both laugh) Yeah.
SARAH: You need to be nicer to yourself. And that's the tea.
KAYLA: But, like, why?
SARAH: This is the problem.
KAYLA: I know! Wanna hear something really bad?
SARAH: Uh, sure.
KAYLA: So recently I was apologizing to Sarah and some friends for not spending a lot of time with them, um, because I'm a bad friend—
SARAH: Uh, no. Uh uh.
KAYLA: I know. But what's really bad is one of our friends I was apologizing to was like, "It's fine! I just wanted to hang out with you." And my first thought was "Why?"
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: Kayla.
KAYLA: My first thought was, like, "No, you didn't. You don't want to hang out with me." I'm terrible. Anyway.
SARAH: Be nicer to yourself!
KAYLA: This has quickly turned into therapy.
SARAH: Good. Anyway.
KAYLA: My resolution for you.
SARAH: Now I'm afraid. I understand now.
KAYLA: I—yeah. Is, in many ways, to be more comfortable with your feelings.
SARAH: Ugh, god.
KAYLA: I know. I know. But Sarah does not like confronting other people.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: She does not like... I mean, you are trying to do self-care, but a lot of your self-care things, if you notice, are very external.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: And, like, you have done a lot this year about working out, like, a lot of your mental health issues and doing a lot of that, but, like...
SARAH: I go to therapy now, too!
KAYLA: You do! But that's something you hate.
SARAH: I don't talk about it at all.
KAYLA: You see. But you hate it.
SARAH: I don't hate it. I just hate talking about it.
KAYLA: But, like, you were very reluctant to go.
SARAH: I was.
KAYLA: And... yeah. So mine would be, like, working on more internal things and being more comfortable with your emotions. You don't have to be open with your emotions, cuz I know you hate that.
SARAH: See, but I'm fairly comfortable with my emotions in my own head. I just am completely uncomfortable with them being outside of my own head.
(40:00)
KAYLA: Yeah. But you should... you should be more comfy.
SARAH: Okay. (both laugh)
KAYLA: Neither of us want to do either of these things.
SARAH: That's why we did them. Ugh, god.
KAYLA: Disgusting. I like this, though. Like, giving resolutions to other people—
SARAH: That aren't passive aggressive.
KAYLA: Well yeah. Like, I know... I watch the Buzzfeed channel Ladylike and they did a lot of videos this year celebrating each other's birthdays. And something they did was saying things they hoped for each other for that year of their life.
SARAH: That's so nice.
KAYLA: And so, yeah, it was just like nice things of, like, "I want you to focus on this," or "I think this could be really big for you." And so just saying nice things, like, "Here's something from an outside perspective," because we get so stuck in our own heads.
SARAH: Oh yeah.
KAYLA: From an outside perspective, me and SARAH: know each other really well. Like... "Here's something that I see that I think would be good for you."
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: This holiday season, tell your friends your resolutions for them.
SARAH: But in a nice way!
KAYLA: Nicely. Cuz we easily could've been very passive aggressive.
SARAH: We could've been so passive aggressive.
KAYLA: It could've been real bad.
SARAH: Yeah. Be nice about it. Also, we forgot to say this before, but we'll be taking a week off this next week, so we will not be posting again until January 13th.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: We'll have a fun special episode with my mom.
KAYLA: Wooo.
SARAH: So get excited for that. Enjoy... we're gonna be on break.
KAYLA: We've been on break.
SARAH: We've been on break.
KAYLA: We're taking a break from being business women.
SARAH: I'm gonna be in Florida. I won't have wifi.
KAYLA: I'll be in my house.
SARAH: Cool. But yeah. We're taking a week off because...
KAYLA: Because we can.
SARAH: Because we can!
KAYLA: It's the holidays, gosh!
SARAH: This is our podcast! But yeah.
KAYLA: Anyways. See you in two weeks.
SARAH: A little week off. Yup. See you in two weeks, back to wherever I'm gonna put this in the episode.
KAYLA: Alright, bye!
SARAH: Cool! So, I actually have a poll that I think I need to have.
KAYLA: We have a poll prepared?
SARAH: It's even written down.
KAYLA: Oh, my god. My life!
SARAH: My poll is like... kind of a two-parter, but we'll make it into one part.
KAYLA: Oh, you already have it written down!
SARAH: Do you feel like you've learned more about your sexuality and yourself this year/to what extent have you grown in that? Which is kind of hard to answer. But I think we can narrow it down. It sounds like an essay question, like, "To what extent...?" (laughs)
KAYLA: I mean, we can do a "yes" or "no," and then ask people to, like... so it can be a poll and a written response this week.
SARAH: Yeah, I think just doing the "yes" or "no" would be really interesting. Because if you say no, you haven't grown, that's like a...
KAYLA: What happened gurl?
SARAH: What happened—well, we might have to do it again where it's like, "Yes, I'm queer," "No, I'm queer." But then it's like, what if... or you can just say "yes" or "no."
KAYLA: Yeah, cuz I think if you're straight I think there's still...
SARAH: I think there's still room for growth.
KAYLA: There's still room for growth, and, like things to learn about your sexuality, just because...
SARAH: If you've been listening to this podcast, I hope you've learned something —even if you are straight—about other sexualities and where your place is there.
KAYLA: Even a lot of the stuff we talk about, I think, could be helpful to straight people in understanding the difference between romantic and sexual attraction. Like, I think even for straight people, understanding where you fall there and where your attraction typically comes from...
SARAH: It's a spectrum.
KAYLA: ...I think it's an interesting insight, is, like, "Do I typically get romantically interested in someone first or sexually?" Or like, "What's more important to me?" Or like, "How do I act in a relationship?" Like, I feel like that's really important stuff to know that I hope some people could get from us, I guess.
SARAH: So, like, "Have you learned more about your sexuality/grown in that—yes/no?" and then if you wanna explain, you can.
KAYLA: Yeah. But you don't have to.
SARAH: But you should. We would like you to. Kayla, what's your beef of the week?
KAYLA: Ooh.
SARAH: Can I say what my beef of the week is? My beef of the week is New Year's resolutions.
KAYLA: Why do you always ask me first, and then you're always more prepared.
SARAH: My beef of the week is New Year's resolutions because I think they're well-intentioned, but you should start now. Like John Green has decided... John Green is doing a full year completely off the Internet.
KAYLA: I hate that.
SARAH: Okay, off of social media. Except for YouTube. And he already started.
KAYLA: I hate that.
SARAH: He already started.
KAYLA: I would hate that.
SARAH: Oh, me too.
KAYLA: So much. Good for him.
SARAH: But he's doing it for himself.
(45:00)
KAYLA: Recently someone messaged in and said they love Dear Hank & John. I think they, like, hadn't even listened to a lot of the episodes yet and so it wasn't even related to how much Sarah talks about it. They were like, "Oh, I like podcasts. I listen to this one." And I was like, "Aren't you in for a treat."
SARAH: (laughs) I loved it.
KAYLA: I literally said, like, "Sarah talks about it all the time."
SARAH: Dear Hank & John, Pod Save America, The Good Place: The Podcast—that one doesn't come up as often, but I do quite enjoy that podcast.
KAYLA: I listen to so many other podcasts than you do.
SARAH: That's kinda all the ones. I don't have time.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: And I have very specific requirements of what can happen while listening to podcasts.
KAYLA: We know. You're weird.
SARAH: Okay, what's your beef of the week?
KAYLA: My beef of the week is time differences.
SARAH: Mmkay.
KAYLA: They make my life so hard.
SARAH: Yeah. They really do.
KAYLA: Yup.
SARAH: Okay. You can find that poll or tell us about your beef of the week or your non-beef of the week, I don't know. Do we want to be uplifting?
KAYLA: What's the opposite of a beef of the week? ... A chicken of the week.
SARAH: Oh my god, what?
KAYLA: That is shot [down]? I'm sorry, you have said the most bizarre things to me for the past three years, and that is inadequate?
SARAH: It doesn't seem like the opposite, though.
KAYLA: Alright, what's the opposite of beef? Veggie burger of the week?
SARAH: Like a.... like a chickpea.
KAYLA: Like a carrot of the... oooh. (Sarah laughs) A chickpea of the week, I love it.
SARAH: I like neither beef nor chickpeas.
KAYLA: You're so bizarre. You don't like hummus?
SARAH: I've eaten hummus.
KAYLA: That's chickpeas.
SARAH: Don't tell me these things.
KAYLA: My resolution for you is to like more foods.
SARAH: I'm already doing better!
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: Anyway. I was about to mention Dear Hank & John again.
KAYLA: My resolution for you is to stop talking about Dear Hank & John so much. See, these are the passive aggressive resolutions. They're coming out.
SARAH: Rude. Okay. Um, anyway you can find that poll or tell us your beef of the week or your chickpea of the week (laughs) on our Twitter @soundsfakepod. You can also email us, soundsfakepod@gmail.com. You can also find us on Tumblr, soundsfakepod.tumblr.com. Or you can hit us up on our Patreon, where...
KAYLA: We accept your dollars.
SARAH: We... money!
KAYLA: We're so bad at asking for money.
SARAH: I feel so bad about it!
KAYLA: I do too, but, like, I think the way I think about it—so recently since the holiday season a lot of podcast networks do annual, like, asking for donations every year. I know NPR has been doing it, Radiotopia has been doing. Radiotopia—first of all, plug—has amazing podcasts. Would recommend. But I saw someone, and they made a little pie chart, and it was like "Media that I love," and most of the pie chart was podcasts, and then they had another pie chart that was like "Media I pay for," and podcasts was a tiny sliver. So, I mean, you don't...
SARAH: That is interesting.
KAYLA: Yeah. So, like, you don't have to give us money. We know a lot of you are quite young and are students too. But just consider, like, you pay for a lot of your media, and we're doing this for free. So, you know.
SARAH: I just tried to log in to our Patreon and it sent us an email.
KAYLA: But, like, we do this—you don't pay to listen to this unless you're a patron. So, I mean, consider... you know. You pay for other things. Anyway.
SARAH: Okay. I was just checking... so we got a new patron, but there's no last name listed. I just wanted to check. Alright. Our lovely patrons who we do have: our $2 patrons are Sara Jones and Keith McBlaine in the membrane. We also have a new one: Roxanne.
KAYLA: We need to give... we need to mess up their name.
SARAH: (sings) Rooooxannnne.
KAYLA: Cuz didn't... what.... Right? Like...
SARAH: Yeah, but, like, we can do that next time. I already sang Roxanne.
KAYLA: (sings in a high-pitched voice) Roooooxannnne. (Sarah laughs) I'm sorry, you probably get that all the time.
SARAH: Yeah. I am very sorry.
KAYLA: Also, I don't think I'm sorry.
SARAH: It's the name of my dad's car.
KAYLA: I don't think I'm sorry. So I'm sorry for not being sorry.
SARAH: (laughs) "I am sorry for not being sorry!"
KAYLA: But I'm not sorry.
SARAH: But thank you for giving us your money, Roxanne. We appreciate it very much.
KAYLA: Thank you very much, Roxanne.
SARAH: Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, and Peri Fier.....o. I was deciding if I was gonna mispronounce it or not.
KAYLA: This week I think it should be Peri Christmas Fairy Princess.
SARAH: (laughs) What?
KAYLA: (laughs) Anyway. Carry on.
SARAH: That's all.
KAYLA: Peri on. (laughs)
SARAH: Thank you so much to our patrons for giving us money. You're all helping us make our way towards Spotify, slowly but surely.
KAYLA: Slowly but surely she's happening.
SARAH: Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows and chickpeas.
SARAH: I hate that we keep adding on to the end.
KAYLA: (laughs) It's necessary.