Ep 39: Cultural Differences in Dating feat. Asritha
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a demi straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.)
ASRITHA: I’m Asritha, I’m a straight girl.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Cultural restrictions on dating.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro music*
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: Woot woot.
SARAH: We still don't really have a good start there.
KAYLA: I don't think we'll ever have an intro, and you know what? It okay.
SARAH: So goes it.
ASRITHA: I like the one so far.
SARAH: Thanks.
ASRITHA: It's just mumbling.
SARAH: Yeah. Basically. All right, this week on the pod, we have Asritha, who, yes, you heard us right, is one of our patrons on Patreon.
KAYLA: I would say, if you are a Patreon, you could be on the pod but that's not sustainable. We can't say that.
SARAH: That's not at all sustainable.
ASRITHA: I just live five minutes away.
KAYLA: Yeah. Asritha lives very close and is our friend, who also gives us money.
ASRITHA: I do that.
KAYLA: And gave me a donut.
ASRITHA: I did.
KAYLA: On my birthday.
SARAH: Anyway, Asritha, tell us a bit about yourself. Just for some context for the audience here.
ASRITHA: Okay.
KAYLA: Here we go.
ASRITHA: Tinder bio time. What's up, fam? I'm a 20-year-old about-to-be graduate, hopefully, fingers crossed here. I’m a poli sci major. What I do with that? Who knows? I'm an eclectic-type girl.
KAYLA: Eclectic? What does that even mean?
ASRITHA: Random. I'm interested in a lot of things.
KAYLA: She is. She likes BTS.
ASRITHA: I do.
KAYLA: A lot.
ASRITHA: If you guys are into BTS, I have recently dived into this whole –
KAYLA: She did. She very much likes –
ASRITHA: I went into it.
KAYLA: How I Met Your Mother and Suits, White Collar
SARAH: For those of you who have no idea what's going on, BTS is a K-pop group. Moving forward.
KAYLA: Not behind the scenes.
ASRITHA: It's short for Beyond The Scene.
KAYLA: Is that what it's short for?
ASRITHA: Actually, that's the American version for what it's short for. The actual Korean version of it is Bulletproof Boys Scouts.
KAYLA: That's stupid.
ASRITHA: I don't know why they did that.
KAYLA: That's absolutely stupid.
ASRITHA: Who knows why they did it? I'm not going to –
KAYLA: Hate that.
ASRITHA: I'm not going to know what happens in that culture but that’s fine. Anyway, I'm Indian, full bred.
KAYLA: You're second-gen?
ASRITHA: See, I don't really know what the generations mean, because some people have the idea that first-generation is my parents, the people who immigrated but then other people – What I personally would like it to be is the first-generation of kids who were born here, and grew up here.
KAYLA: In that definition, you would be first-gen.
ASRITHA: In my personal [definition], yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. Your parents were the ones that moved here, they grew up in India, and moved here.
ASRITHA: Parents moved here ninety something, '92, '93.
KAYLA: Yeah. Then you were born in '97?
ASRITHA: '97.
KAYLA: Yeah. And here you are.
ASRITHA: Here I be, 20 years later.
KAYLA: Indian lady.
ASRITHA: Yup.
KAYLA: In America.
ASRITHA: I'm a brown woman.
KAYLA: You are. What's that like? Asritha, what's it like being a brown woman?
ASRITHA: You know, it has its ups and downs. A lot of downs. I mean, I love my culture. That's not the issue. I feel like every first-generation Asian American, or any other person from a different culture who is born in America and raised in America, understands that shitty dichotomy and balance that you have to find, that people say, find that balance, it's easy. It's not fucking easy. Trust me, I've been trying for like 10 years.
That balance is hard when it comes to things like dating, and things like love, and things like every other aspect of your life.
KAYLA: Yeah. Your parents are arranged?
ASRITHA: Here's the thing, I've talked to my dad about this. My dad swears that it wasn't arranged, that it was love. Here's his definition of what love was, which might be his definition. Here's what happened, he went to his mom and dad one day and he was like, yo, this chick Uma - Uma is my mom's name - I want to marry her. That was it.
Then his parents arranged for them to get arranged, like married. My mom and dad didn't really date. They just knew each other and then my dad was like, I want to marry her, and then they were like, okay, go for it.
KAYLA: So it wasn't like a traditional arranged –
ASRITHA: Not a traditional arranged where it's like, I don't know who the fuck she is.
KAYLA: But it's still not either your traditional dating –
ASRITHA: It's not really the love/dating thing that's really common in American culture.
KAYLA: Right. Wild. So –
ASRITHA: Just ask me every single question you've ever had about why.
KAYLA: The thing is I know the answer to most of the questions, but what we're doing – You know? For you, do your parents want to arrange you?
ASRITHA: My parents have been really interested on the marriage/love aspect within the past year, because I'm a 20-year-old, single woman, my time is almost up, according to them.
SARAH: Yeah. All the single ladies. All the single ladies.
ASRITHA: My prime days are almost over.
KAYLA: Sure.
ASRITHA: So we’ve got to get going. In my parents' mind, it's kind of like, and I feel like a lot of Indians, at least, that's what I know, a lot of Indian kids also know about this, is that the parents are like, if we see a nice boy, we'll ask his family and ask his parents about is he dating someone or is he already set to be married? If not, we'll just push him towards you subtly.
SARAH: (laughs) Subtly.
ASRITHA: [It’s] not subtly. Their whole thing is, if you can find a guy on your own, that meets our requirements, by all means, go. But on the side, we're also going to be looking, and hope you choose that guy.
KAYLA: These are requirements then?
SARAH: What are they?
ASRTIHA: Yes.
KAYLA: I know – Two years ago, when we met –
ASRITHA: Freshman year.
KAYLA: Freshman year. The requirements were actually stricter than they are now.
ASRITHA: They have eased up.
KAYLA: They have. I kind of know the transgression of them, but what are your current requirements? Keep in mind that these are pretty lax comparatively.
ASRITHA: Here's the thing, they're highly recommended suggestions.
KAYLA: Yeah but like, that's what they're called.
ASRITHA: If I do find a guy and it doesn't meet the requirements, I don't really know how my parents would go, because it's just like their perception of what it should be. In the general aspect of what I know I should be looking for, Brahmin, that's the caste system, yeah, let's not go into that, Brahmin –
SARAH: Google it if you want to.
ASRITHA: Yeah. Preferably, vegetarian because I am a vegetarian, so it would just make more sense. Preferably doesn't drink, because I don't drink. Here's the fucking thing, I don't give a shit if someone drinks. That's it. Comes from a good family, good health, the astrological signs need to match up. That's a huge thing in Indian culture about astrology. Good job, I feel like general things that a parent would want for a child but just needs to fit the specific culture and religion aspect.
KAYLA: I mean, a good job to your parents might be something different than what is a good job to, say, my parents or Sarah's parents.
ASRITHA: Yes. My parents really want me to go for an engineer.
KAYLA: Right.
ASRITHA: Because money.
KAYLA: Right. Your brother is becoming a doctor.
ASRITHA: Yeah.
KAYLA: I mean, that's kind of a stereotypical thing I feel like is Asian parents want their kids to be a doctor.
ASRITHA: Yeah. Yeah.
SARAH: Well, I feel like a lot of people who come to the United States come here for economic and social opportunity. And in a lot of people's minds, which I don't think is necessarily false, the way that can get you there most surely, whatever, is if you're a doctor or an engineer. Because there are plenty of other careers that can make you a lot of money, but it's hit or miss. Whereas if you're a doctor or an engineer, you know that you're going to be economically okay.
ASRITHA: I had to persuade my parents to still let me do law as well. Even now –
KAYLA: Law isn't a sure thing either.
ASRITHA: It isn't. My parents didn't really know what political science was, and so even now, they're kind of like, why don't you do an engineering course or take a computer science job or something? I'm like, I'm graduating next semester.
KAYLA: I don't have time.
ASRITHA: I think it's a done deal of what I'm doing now.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. I know that your parents, what they want for you in a potential husband, has changed – How and why, I guess?
ASRITHA: How and why? Well, I first got this list –
KAYLA: They handed you a checklist?
ASRITHA: When they first found out I had a boyfriend in high school, it was my junior year, I had a “boyfriend”, I put that in quotations because it was high school shit. My parents found out and they were like – They found a picture of him and they were like, absolutely not, this is not the type of guy you need to go for. I'm like, why is that? Because he was too dark apparently. Skin color is another shit. I don't think he was Brahmin either, he was not a vegetarian. He drank, as like a lot of kids in high school do.
(10:00)
So they were very strict early on. I think as time progressed, they got to see – My brother also helped a lot with this, because my brother can talk to my parents in specific ways that they listen to him. I have yet to reach that.
KAYLA: I also think, unfortunately, it's because he's a boy.
ASRITHA: Yeah, but he likes to refute that.
KAYLA: I'm sure he does but as a man, what would he know?
ASRITHA: They've eased on it because I think they've seen that their perception of what a husband should be is not realistic, especially in the society we've lived in now. They learned that from their other friends who are getting their daughters or sons married off, they're like, these are the realistic things you have to look for.
SARAH: Your parents' friends, do they have similar expectations of their own kids? Are they along the same lines?
ASRITHA: I think a lot of Indian parents have the similar expectations. It's also my parents are very traditional, they're very conservative, '70s India, where they are against people drinking and eating meat, and should be very religious, that sort of thing. There are a bunch of Indian parents who are a bit more progressive or, at least, have a different idea of what their kid can do. A lot of other Indian parents, I'm assuming they're fine with the drinking, or they're fine with being in a different caste. That's all fine.
Oh, another thing they used to say, the guy – So my native language is Telugu, I think they also wanted the guy to be Telugu. Now they've eased on that because they know I just speak English, so it doesn’t super matter.
SARAH: There's also about a bajillion languages in India. Although, Telugu is one of the more common ones.
ASRITHA: Yes. Oh, yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, because it's like you speak Telugu.
ASRITHA: I speak Telugu at home.
KAYLA: You speak it at home, but it's not like you need to speak it to your husband.
ASRITHA: No.
KAYLA: Yeah. I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast, but our freshman year, I had a thing I guess with a guy that was our friend, that was Indian.
ASRITHA: I saw him, like last week.
KAYLA: I haven't seen him in so long. Anyway, the reason it didn't work out was because he was Indian, and for a long time he led me along or whatever and it ended up him just being like, I can't date you because you're white, and my parents have strict rules about what kind of girl I need to marry.
ASRITHA: As much as I felt bad for Kayla, and I really did, I understood his perspective a lot.
KAYLA: Oh no, I totally understood his perspective. The only reason I was mad at him was I was like, you waited a year to tell me this? Also, I asked you before and you lied and said your parents didn't care.
ASRITHA: He was a dumb little child.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: It's interesting to me too, because I went to high school with a number of people who were of Indian descent, because some of them, their families have been here a while. I just saw quite the range of different perspectives on how they could go about their dating life, because one girl who I went to school with who she's been dating a white kid for like three years and it's chill, and then another girl who I went to high school with who she started dating a kid who was Muslim, and they had to hide it – It's like three years in. I'm pretty sure her parents still don't know.
ASRITHA: I think Muslim is really the scariest that you could go for.
SARAH: Yeah.
ASRITHA: I don't know. As much as – Obviously, my parents, at least, would not want me marrying a white guy; a Muslim guy, though?
KAYLA: They would think that was even worse?
ASRITHA: I don't know if they would think it was worse, but that might – It's like in that realm of can't date a white guy or can't date a Black guy or any other race, Muslim is also within there and still, it’s like if I dated a Pakistani dude, no.
KAYLA: Obviously, these are your parents, what they want. So for you, what you want, do you especially care if your boyfriend or husband or whatever shared your culture, or was the same race as you? Do you care, or is that all your parents?
ASRITHA: I really don't give a shit.
ALL: (laugh)
ASRITHA: I mean, I said this before, I do – Obviously, it would be a lot easier, and it would be a lot nicer to date an Indian guy just because you do have a shared culture and you do just understand each other a bit more.
KAYLA: You just have more in common in general.
ASRITHA: Exactly. If I didn't have my parents' expectations or, at least, my perceptions of their expectations, I would not have a problem – My brother is like that, actually.
KAYLA: Your brother dates whoever he wants.
ASRITHA: My brother, he's kind of just, I will cross that bridge when I get to it, right now I just want to date someone, and I'm like, okay, go for it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, that's one way to go about it is just do whatever you want now, and deal with consequences later. I don't know.
ASRITHA: I mean, he did kind of date a Pakistani girl.
KAYLA: Yeah.
ASRITHA: When he told me, he called me and he was like, I'm kind of seeing this girl, and I jumped to the lord, I was like, hallelujah, it happened.
ALL: (laugh)
KAYLA: One of us did it.
ASRITHA: Because he started off – Oh that’s another [thing], did I say Hindu? The guy has to be Hindu, by the way. That's a huge thing, it’s our religion. He told me like, oh, the girl is Hindu. I'm like, oh my God, this is so great.
KAYLA: You did it.
ASRITHA: You did it. Our parents won't be that mad. He was like, she's Pakistani, and I was like, oh. I don't know how that -
KAYLA: How mad they would be?
SARAH: Would it be a bigger issue if she was Muslim but not Pakistani, or if she were Hindu but from Pakistan? For those of you who aren't aware, I know this because I've taken an Indian history class, but I recognize not all of you have done this. India is primarily Hindu in terms of religion, Pakistan is primarily Muslim. They used to be one country and they split –
ASRITHA: Then we got a war.
SARAH: They split primarily for religious reasons.
KAYLA: That's why there's tensions between Indian people and –
ASRITHA: There's a lot of tension. I don't know which one would be worse. I think they're both equivalent. Again, I've never spoken to my parents about this because, frankly, I'm terrified. At least from what I can perceive of it, it would not go well either way.
KAYLA: We love that.
ASRITHA: Yeah.
SARAH: I mean, there are some things, though – I have a friend who is 100% Armenian, and so her parents aren't pressuring her necessarily to marry an Armenian. Obviously, that'd be ideal, but they're letting her have a choice. She was saying that the one thing she could never do is marry someone who was Turkish, because of the Armenian genocide and because in Turkey they don't recognize the genocide. She says that's just a little too hard to swallow for her.
KAYLA: I think that's very understandable too. That's just – You know? This makes sense to me. Okay, so because of this, all your parents’ expectations and growing up like this – Wait, no. I have another thing I want to say before that.
ASRITHA: Okay.
KAYLA: You mentioned earlier the astrological signs.
ASRITHA: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. That plays a big part in relationships in India?
ASRITHA: It plays a big part just in general, a lot of things.
KAYLA: I guess, first of all, do you subscribe to that? Do you actually believe in that, or is it just something that is part of your culture?
ASRITHA: I grew up with it so I don't really know anything – I mean, it's nice to think about that. I mean, it gives some sort of validation for why I'm like this.
SARAH and KAYLA: (laugh)
ASRITHA: I'm not super in it like my parents are, but I'm not opposed to it.
SARAH: Question, is that a part of just the Indian culture, or is that part of Hindu religion?
KAYLA: Or both.
SARAH: Or is it both just intertwined?
ASRITHA: I think it's both. I don't know much about India in general either.
KAYLA: We love an educated woman.
ASRITHA: I'm real bad. I know some general shit.
KAYLA: I know. Sometimes I ask Asritha about specifics of Hindu and she's like, I don't know.
ASRITHA: I'm a real bad Hindu, fam. I'm a real bad Hindu.
KAYLA: Me and Sarah have talked about how we're post-Catholic now, because we grew up Catholic and now we're like, meh.
ASRITHA: I mean, I feel like a lot of other Indians can relate to this of when you're just like, oh, we're just going to temple, that's just a thing. You don't really get an explanation for why things are.
KAYLA: Yeah.
ASRITHA: Unless you go to Sunday or Saturday school, which I did. I didn't pay attention.
KAYLA: What are you going to do?
ASRITHA: You kind of just blindly follow it. Until you get to the point where you're like, why do we do this?
KAYLA: I don't want to.
ASRITHA: That was me at 15.
KAYLA: Yeah. I feel like that happens to a lot of teenagers.
SARAH: Yeah. Definitely.
ASRITHA: Sorry. What was the question?
KAYLA: With astrology, how exactly does that play into relationships and marriage and all that?
ASRITHA: First of all, the Telugu calendar, we have a separate calendar that follows the lunar cycle, so going off that, they go off that, and so it's kind of like where the moon was, where the sun was, where the stars were –
KAYLA: When you were born?
ASRITHA: When I was born. Yeah. That kind of just sets a full –
KAYLA: Very specific.
ASRITHA: Yes. It kind of just sets a full trajectory of how your life is going to go.
KAYLA: Wow. That's a lot.
ASRITHA: There's something in there where they're like, this tells this, this tells this, this is when you're going to have a good life, this is when you're not.
(20:00)
SARAH: There's like specific connections?
ASRITHA: Yeah. My grandfather was really apt at that.
KAYLA: It's very like, when you're born, your whole life is laid out already?
ASRITHA: Kind of. I feel like that's how it is.
KAYLA: I kind of hate that.
ALL: (laugh)
KAYLA: Sorry. I kind of hate that.
ASRITHA: But then it's like making sure that sun sign and star signs match up with the guy's sun sign and – If I am misguided on any of this, please tell me because I'm not saying I'm an expert at any of this.
KAYLA: I feel like it's okay for you to be wrong, though, because this is your culture. It's better than me and Sarah being like, I'm an expert, as a white person.
ASRITHA: If anyone in Indian culture says that what I’m saying is wrong –
KAYLA: Hit us up. Teach us.
ASRITHA: Please teach me, really.
KAYLA: Yeah, hit up Asritha. She wants to learn her own culture.
ASRITHA: I really do. It’s not like there’s anyone else who’ll tell me.
KAYLA: I mean, you can look up now what your zodiac sign compatibility is. You can look that up online. It's kind of like that?
ASRITHA: It is. Yeah. Just making sure the guy is – There's something in the stars that talk about family health, and shit like that as well.
KAYLA: That started off really poetic, and then –
ASRITHA: Sorry.
KAYLA: “Something in the stars, and family shit”, I’m going to get that embroidered on a pillow.
ASRITHA: Yeah. That's there too. When I think back on it, my parents' expectations of who I should be with, they're not unrealistic when you think about it. In general, it's just making sure I have a good life, and the guy I'm with is not a jackass.
KAYLA: Yeah. It's definitely not coming from anything malicious. They mean the best, obviously.
ASRITHA: They do.
KAYLA: It's just hard when you have grown up in America and so you are very Americanized. You are someone who is culturally American, and so that's different when – You think of a successful life in one way and a successful husband and what a parent should be in an American way, while they are totally still in their Indian culture. It's just hard when there's two different cultures, because they're trying to show their affection, it's just a very different way than what you would want maybe.
ASRITHA: And that was my college application essay.
SARAH: Yay.
KAYLA: Woo.
SARAH: Two questions, one, if you were to have kids, would you give a single shit about who they married?
ASRITHA: Me and my brother have talked about this extensively. We would not give a damn, fuck no.
KAYLA: I feel like it must be so common for your generation, like first-gen American Indian –
SARAH: They rebel a little bit.
KAYLA: That must be so common.
ASRITHA: I think it's just also because we've seen what it does to people because, us, and we've seen – The world isn't as black and white as our parents have figured it to be. If our kids are gay, straight, ace, whatever, if they don't want to get married, if they're trans, who the fuck gives a shit? Except for us because we're the parents and we care for them but, in general, I do not give a damn whoever my kids want to, if they want to marry or date anyone at all, I'm like, listen, fam –
SARAH: Do what you want.
ASRITHA: Do what you want. I don't really care, as long as they're happy.
KAYLA: As long as they're happy and healthy.
ASRITHA: Pretty much.
SARAH: Yeah. Go on.
ASRITHA: Just don't get pregnant when you're 16.
SARAH: That's a good rule.
ASRITHA: You know, protection is vital here. Safe sex. If you're going to have sex, be safe.
KAYLA: Just be safe.
ASRITHA: Pretty much.
SARAH: All right. Question number two, again, if you were to have kids, would you teach them Telugu?
ASRITHA: See –
KAYLA: Do you know enough Telugu to be able to teach? I know you've said that your language is a bit broken.
ASRITHA: I'm real broken, fam. Just in general, any aspect.
SARAH: Oh dear, oh no.
ASRITHA: I mean, I can converse at a minimal level.
KAYLA: I've heard you talk to your parents in Telugu.
ASRITHA: I can't read it or write it, which I still feel guilty about. That's another thing, I feel like there's a name for it, but the heritage guilt –
KAYLA: It's like white guilt, but for other races.
SARAH: That’s not what white guilt is, Kayla.
KAYLA: I'm just saying it could be a similar name.
ASRITHA: Passage of cultural guilt, because obviously, I feel guilty that I don't know my language well enough or I don't know my religion or culture well enough. Like, obviously, that sucks. I would love for my kids – I'm proud to be an Indian. I'm proud to be a brown person. Nothing wrong with that and I want my kids to also experience the same feelings and not be ashamed with their culture, which I feel, again, a lot of first-generation kids go through. I don't know if I directly or consciously was like, I'm going to just rebel against my culture and be like, fuck all this shit. No, but it was like unconsciously during middle school and high school where I was like, none of the people around me look the way I do, or talking the way I do, or eating the same foods I do. All that stuff.
I was like trying to pass as an American, “white”, quotations again, person. I don't want my kids to go through that, because I feel like as you grow older – My parents told me this too, as you grow older, you begin to realize, damn, I wish I paid more attention, or I wish I really delved more into my culture, because it is my culture. I want to know more about it because it is a part of me.
SARAH: Yeah. There's shit I want to know about my own family history, and I'm just super white. I'm a mutt of whiteness, but I know there's Irish in me so I want to learn more about that shit, and that's only just a tiny part of me so I can't even imagine having –
KAYLA: It being all of you.
SARAH: I'm 100% Indian and I –
ASRITHA: That's another thing. I really want to take a DNA ancestry, test just to figure out if I am –
SARAH: I mean, no one is 100% anything.
ASRITHA: I know so I really want to know –
KAYLA: Your parents could be totally lying about some marriage that happened up the line, that was like "shameful". You could be Pakistani, you could be –
ASRITHA: I want to know if I'm slightly British.
ALL: (laugh)
KAYLA: Oh my God. I mean, I guess that's possible.
SARAH: It's definitely possible.
ASRITHA: They were there for a long time.
SARAH: The British Raj.
KAYLA: They were out there.
SARAH: They were there.
KAYLA: Question, kind of along the same lines, if you were to have kids, would you give them Indian names?
ASRITHA: Yeah.
KAYLA: Or white person names?
SARAH: White person names.
ASRITHA: No. I would give Indian names because, honestly, it's not bad but it's always weird when you see a really Indian person with a white name. I'm not saying it's bad, obviously it's fine.
KAYLA: Sometimes it is kind of like – It’s like, okay.
ASRITHA: I had a friend who was Megan.
SARAH: I know someone who’s Indian whose name is Megan but it's short for something else.
ASRITHA: Meggana?
SARAH: I think it's short for Meggana.
ASRITHA: Okay. Yeah.
SARAH: But she goes by Megan.
ASRITHA: If you're going to look Indian –
SARAH: I also know an Indian person named Amy.
ASRITHA: Interesting.
KAYLA: What if you married a white guy so your kids were half-white, do you think that would be as weird?
ASRITHA: I don't think it would be as weird but it's also – That's hard.
KAYLA: The YouTuber Safiya, she's half-Indian but she definitely passes as white I think. I feel like if she had a white name, I wouldn't even know she was Indian.
SARAH: See, I know someone who is also half-Indian but she's not "white passing" and she has an Indian name, but it's the sort of thing where it's like, you can tell she's not fully Indian -
KAYLA: But you can also tell she's not white.
ASRITHA: I just think it's – I'm already a part of a minority culture in America, so even if my child is half, I would still want them to be a part of the culture, and be proud of that culture. Hopefully, they agree with me.
SARAH: Yeah. Listen, I'm really into Irish names. I'm only partially Irish.
ALL: (laugh)
KAYLA: You tell them, Sarah.
SARAH: My ancestors haven't lived in Ireland for so long.
ASRITHA: I will say that I would give my kids much easier Indian names.
KAYLA: Do you have names you would give your kids?
ASRITHA: I have always wanted to name – If I had a girl, I would always to name her Anitha.
KAYLA: Didn't you want to change your name to that?
ASRITHA: Yes. Yeah.
SARAH: That's the name of the girl who I know who is half-Asian.
ASRITHA: Yeah.
SARAH: No half-Asian, half-Indian.
ASRITHA: I think it's a pretty name.
KAYLA: It is a pretty name.
ASRITHA: I like it. My name, I wrote a whole essay on this too. (laughs) I was never happy with my name, not because it was Indian, just because it was so fucking hard to pronounce. No one gets it the first time, and it's just weird. The guy at the elevator –
KAYLA: Yeah. Tell the elevator story.
ASRITHA: Racist stories, yay.
KAYLA: Yay.
ASRITHA: Here's the thing, I don't get that much racism. I mean, I get in – I don't get explicit racism and I've written an essay about that too.
SARAH: Microagressions.
KAYLA: We love essays.
ASRITHA: I did. Yeah. There was a guy at an elevator, this was last year. I was coming up from – What was I doing? I think I was doing laundry. I was coming up the elevator and this guy walked in and this was move-in day, too, so I think he was a freshman.
SARAH: This was in a dorm, right?
ASRITHA: This was in Alice Lloyd, it’s a dorm. So he moved in, he came in the elevator and he was trying to do small talk with me.
KAYLA: It’s like when you move in, you’re a freshman –
ASRITHA: He wanted to try – I'll say, I am not a pleasant person a lot of the time.
ALL: (laugh)
SARAH: I am not a pleasant person.
ASRITHA: A lot of the time.
KAYLA: It was in the morning, and Asritha is a terrible morning person.
(30:00)
ASRITHA: I really am. He was talking to me and he was like, oh, what's your name? I said, Asritha. He was like, can you say it again? Which I expected because it is hard to get my name first time or whatever so I said it a couple more times. Then, great quote.
KAYLA: The greatest shitty thing.
ASRITHA: He was like, why do you have to pronounce it like that? You know I can't do that, or I can’ pronounce it like that.
SARAH: (groans)
ASRITHA: At that point, we reached my floor and I was like, cool, bye.
KAYLA: That’s just such a stupid – Why do you pronounce your name the correct way when you know that I, some random person –
ASRITHA: I'm sorry.
KAYLA: Literally, what?
ASRITHA: I'm so sorry for your white tongue.
SARAH: Even when I was in Germany, they have people named Sarah in Germany but they pronounce it differently. Some, not everyone, but some people made an active effort to pronounce my name like I pronounced it, even though, they have the same name that's pronounced differently.
KAYLA: Just because that's a nice thing –
SARAH: It's like a respect thing.
KAYLA: It’s a nice thing to do, because it's your name. I feel like names mean a lot.
ASRITHA: They do, but also I don't really – It annoys a lot out of me when a substitute teacher tries to pronounce your name correctly.
KAYLA: See, I've always had problems with my last name.
SARAH: My name's easy.
KAYLA: Yeah Sarah, you have a basic name.
ASRITHA: Obviously, yes, my name is important to me but here's the thing, I always had substitute teachers who were like, am I pronouncing it correctly? Tell me – They would spend like a minute talking to me, and I’m like, this is just – What?
KAYLA: You’re never going to use my name again. It's like, on the one hand, you want people to respect it but on the other hand, if we're going to spend 10 minutes on it –
SARAH: You don’t want to make a big deal out of it.
ASRITHA: Exactly. I don't care, fam. I'm going to spend like an hour with you and then I’m never going to see you again.
SARAH: My mom has asked me to spell your name so many times just because she wants to get it right.
ASRITHA: I thought that was really cute.
KAYLA: My boyfriend always puts an extra T in your name, and even today, he said your name and I was like, go back, we're doing it again.
ASRITHA and SARAH: (laugh)
KAYLA: He just can't get it. I'm always like –
ASRITHA: Does he say Ast-ritha?
KAYLA: He either says that or he rolls the R somehow. It’s not very rrrrrrrr, but the R gets a little rolled, and I'm always like, what the fuck is your mouth doing. Chill out, dude.
ASRITHA: Thanks for treating me as a Latina.
KAYLA: Yeah. I don't know what he's doing.
ASRITHA: I thought I was Latina once too.
KAYLA: People think I am anything but white.
ASRITHA: Yeah. That is true.
SARAH: I can see why they think that.
KAYLA: I met one of my boyfriend's high school friends and he just went, so what are you? I was like, what am I in terms of what? He was like, race? Ethnicity? I was like, white, sorry to disappoint you. I think he was Filipino. I was like, sorry, bud.
SARAH: Sorry I'm white.
KAYLA: I'm just white.
ASRITHA: That old creepy dude who hit on me at work asked me the “where are you from?” question.
KAYLA: What about – The one time we went to the mall together, we were at a jeweler because I was getting a necklace fixed.
ASRITHA: She was.
KAYLA: Asritha was with me because we were going to the mall. The guy helping us was Indian –
ASRITHA: No, he was –
KAYLA: You tell it.
ASRITHA: He made me guess.
SARAH: That's weird. What?
KAYLA: This interaction apparently is very normal for Asritha.
ASRITHA: Hold on. For like any other Indian person out there, if you know how a fob or if you don't, a fob is a foreigner off the boat, usually describing an Asian person coming off the boat, and I mean this in the least derogatory or disrespectful – I mean, it in the most nicest, respectful way possible.
KAYLA: This is like a type of person.
ASRITHA: It is a type of person. If you know any person like that who tries to flirt or any Indian guy, Pakistani guy who tries to flirt, it's really weird. It's really awkward.
KAYLA: It made me so uncomfortable.
ASRITHA: It made Kayla really awkward. I was fine.
KAYLA: You were like, this happens all the time.
ASRITHA: It really does.
KAYLA: I was like, this is gut-wrenching.
ASRITHA: It happens a lot in India. Anyway, we went to this jeweler dude and he just started talking, and Kayla was telling him, I want my necklace cleaned, blah blah blah. Then he was like, where did you get it? I think you were busy so I answered for you. I was like oh, her boyfriend got it for her. He was like, where's your boyfriend? I was like, I don't have one. He was like, why not? Here’s the thing, that question, why not?
KAYLA: I tweeted about that one time and I was like, I hate when people ask me why I'm single, because it reminds me of how much I suck.
ASRITHA: I was talking with my roommate about this yesterday too. I was like, why are you asking? What answer do you expect from this question?
KAYLA: I don't know what people expect. Oh, I don't have a boyfriend because I'm emotionally unavailable, or because people hate me.
SARAH: I don't have a boyfriend because my grandpa recently died, and it was a really difficult time for me, and I'm just not ready for a relationship.
KAYLA: I'm going to give that answer.
SARAH: You should say that.
KAYLA: They'd be so uncomfortable. We're doing it.
ASRITHA: Nice. I'll do it.
KAYLA: Absolutely. You, please, get on Tinder and wait for someone to ask you that.
ASRITHA: (laughs)
KAYLA: Please. Anyway.
ASRITHA: He just was saying weird shit. He was trying to make me guess of where he was from, if he was Indian or Pakistani. He was Pakistani. Then he was getting really insulted that I said he was Indian.
KAYLA: Yeah. He was trying to guess what you were.
SARAH: If he wanted you to guess, he shouldn't be insulted if you're wrong.
ASRITHA: I know.
KAYLA: He was so weird.
ASRITHA: He was just – It's a very direct, kind of uncomfortable, way of flirting.
KAYLA: Oh, no. There was no question that he was flirting. Usually, when people are flirting, they at least try to be a little down low and cute about it. It was right there.
ASRITHA: Here's the thing, that is how people in other cultures do flirt. It's just a difference of culture. It still made me really uncomfortable.
KAYLA: No, I was uncomfy. I was like, that is the worst thing to watch.
ASRITHA: Then we just left.
KAYLA: We left and I was like, I'm so sorry I had to put you through that.
ALL: (laugh)
ASRITHA: Yeah. I got a cute shirt out of it.
SARAH: Do you get that question a lot where they're like, what are you?
ASRITHA: I got it last week. A guy, a creepy old white dude came up to me at work at 10am, and he was like, so where are you from? I was like, I don't like this question.
SARAH: I love it – What's his face? The guy from Parks and Rec.
ASRITHA: Aziz Ansari?
SARAH: Aziz Ansari, I don’t know –
ASRITHA: He says North Carolina. I say Michigan.
SARAH: Right. Like where are you from?
ASRITHA: Michigan.
KAYLA: I love when people ask people that aren't white where they're from, but they're from America. It's so cringey.
ASRITHA: I am from Michigan. If you want to be more specific, I was from Columbia, South Carolina because that's where I was born. Is that what you want? I'm from the US.
KAYLA: I am here, it is me.
ASRITHA: I'm from my mother's womb. What? What else do you want?
KAYLA: I was a sperm once. What do you want, dude?
ASRITHA: Then they feel awkward.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: They should feel awkward.
ASRITHA: They're like, no, no, no, are you Indian? Your nationality. I was like, then ask that.
KAYLA: Nationality?
ASRITHA: Yeah.
KAYLA: It’s still the US.
SARAH: Nationality is American.
ASRITHA: That too.
KAYLA: They’re actually asking your ethnicity.
ASRITHA: I'm like, okay, ask that then.
KAYLA: It's such a weird thing to just come out and ask people their ethnicity. I've never gotten offended when people are like, so what are you? Because I recognize that I am racially ambiguous, but I can't imagine if people were asking me that every day, like what are you? Like, who the hell –
SARAH: I've never in my life been asked that question.
KAYLA: You're so white.
SARAH: Yeah. I'm super white. I'm very obviously white. White people, though, we'll have conversations about what percentage of white are you?
KAYLA: When you're white, when you ask people what are they? They give you percentages, specific percentages of what kind of European they are.
SARAH: Yeah.
ASRITHA: Oh.
SARAH: Oh, yeah.
KAYLA: I know. I know what my percentage is.
ASRITHA: Why?
KAYLA: Because it's all I have for culture.
SARAH: I had certain percentages but then my sister did the 23andme test so now I know actual numbers. When I was in elementary school, we did some stuff about Ellis Island, and we did a fake thing where we were emigrating to the United States –
KAYLA: We did that. I was pregnant, I was a pregnant woman. I made it. I made it in.
SARAH: Wow. That's exciting. I wrote my name the largest on the thing.
ASRITHA: I would not have been able to come to Ellis Island.
SARAH: Oh dear. But I – I forgot, oh no.
KAYLA: Percentages.
SARAH: Percentages. We had to do this thing where we were talking about our heritage, and we had to figure out where we were from and we had to make little flags of, where are you from? All the white kids had five flags.
KAYLA: Yeah. The funny thing is I'm 12.5% Italian but if you look at me, I am 70% Italian by looks.
SARAH: I'm only a little bit less Italian than that, and I look like this.
KAYLA: You are so white. Yeah.
ASRITHA: Sarah is real pale and white.
KAYLA: I am racially ambiguous.
SARAH: My family – There's only one person in my family who I can trace back to when they immigrated to the United States. Everyone else, they've been here forever. So I'm American, is the answer to that question.
KAYLA: Cool.
ASRITHA: I don't know where we were going with this.
SARAH: I don't know. We got lost
KAYLA: But we’re here. Dating. So fun.
ASRITHA: I'm single.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. I remember way back when we used to advertise Asritha's singleness as her Patreon thing.
ASRITHA: Because I was – Listeners, long-time listeners –
KAYLA: Oh, yeah. Long-time fans.
ASRITHA: I was in DC for those who remember.
KAYLA: Yes. You were.
ASRITHA: I felt super lonely there. It was sad. All my friends were dating or at least hooking up with dudes and women.
KAYLA: Or in Michigan.
ASRITHA: Or in Michigan, who were also hooking up and doing it.
KAYLA: What do you think I was doing?
ASRITHA: Not you.
KAYLA: I have never hooked up in my life.
ASRITHA: Right. You guys talked about that.
KAYLA: Do you even listen?
ASRITHA: I listened on my run this morning.
KAYLA: God.
SARAH: You listen when you run? That’s not very motivational. I would not want to listen to a podcast while running because I would just be like ugh, I want to walk now. Got to get motivational music.
KAYLA: I wouldn't want to listen to our podcast while running.
ASRITHA: Well, because if I listen to music, I automatically run to a beat.
SARAH: That's fair. That's fair.
KAYLA: Run to the beat of our shitty voices. Everyone who is running right now, you can do it. We have to be motivational now.
(40:00)
SARAH: (yells) I believe in you. (chanting) Run faster. Run faster. Run faster.
KAYLA: No, they’re doing a long run probably. They need to pace themselves.
SARAH: Yeah, run faster. Pace yourself faster.
ASRITHA: I ran for like, 30 minutes.
KAYLA: Holy shit. Alright, anyway.
ASRITHA: Yeah. I was super lonely and single, and I was like, "Kayla, advertise my singleness because I'm bored here."
KAYLA: I was like, hell yeah.
ASRITHA: Then I realized a lot of your listeners are ace.
KAYLA: Probably don't want you, not because of you.
ASRITHA: That maybe too.
KAYLA: Nah.
ASRITHA: Anyway.
KAYLA: Nah.
SARAH: Alright. What's our poll?
KAYLA: Do you have a poll, Asritha? Do you have a poll idea?
ASRITHA: Do you want to date me?
KAYLA: Do you want to date Asritha? We'll put a picture up –
ALL: (laugh)
ASRITHA: No. Absolutely not.
KAYLA: Oh man.
ASRITHA: What would you do with your children?
KAYLA: What would you do with your children?
SARAH: What would you do with your children? Oh, wait. I have one more thing to say about children's names.
KAYLA: I like how we always try to do the poll and then think of ten thousand other things to say.
SARAH: No. See, the friend who is Armenian, her last name is Armenian and, therefore, for a lot of Americans, they find it difficult to say or difficult to, at least, figure it out at the beginning.
ASRITHA: You had some trouble with my last name.
SARAH: I did not.
ASRITHA: (laughing)
KAYLA: Here we go.
SARAH: Look what you just started.
KAYLA: This is going to be a two-hour podcast. Welcome to the second half, it's just screaming.
SARAH: Okay. Asritha, when she explained to me – Okay, I knew what her last name was but I could never remember how to spell it. She always said it's Vinnakota, like Minnesota with a V and a K but that's not true. Minnesota is M-I-N-N-E and Vinnakota is V-I-N-N-A.
KAYLA: You should have said with a V and A and a K.
ASRITHA: (still laughing) Yeah.
SARAH: That's too complicated, though.
ASRITHA: It is. That's what I said.
KAYLA: It’s like saying Kailey with a 4, but where does the 4 go?
SARAH: Away. Anyway, said friend, she has an American name, like first name. She said that her parents considered giving her an Armenian name but they were like, the last name is hard enough as it is, we're not going to torture her. I do think that our generation – I mean, this is definitely not true of everyone because I come from a fairly diverse community, and I go to a fairly diverse college but we have been exposed to more cultures and more names of different cultures, so I am much better at pronouncing, for example, Indian names on the first try than my mom is.
KAYLA: It's not going to be as torturous for our children.
SARAH: Because they'll be – Adults will be able to pronounce their names.
KAYLA: There's just more people here that aren't white.
SARAH: Exactly.
ASRITHA: At least, here. I mean, when I grew up in South Carolina, it was like –
KAYLA: It would depend on what part of the country.
ASRITHA: It was like four Indian kids within the entire school.
KAYLA: We had no Indian kids in my school.
SARAH: We had a lot of Indian kids in my school district.
ASRITHA: Yes. You do. Even then, I think we were like oh, let's give them nicknames because that will just be easier. So my brother went by a shortened version of his name, he still does.
KAYLA: What does he go by?
ASRITHA: He went by Ani for a long time. My name is really hard to make into a nickname. I don't really know. They've tried. I hated them. Anyway.
SARAH: Fair enough. All right. Anyway, jumping back to the poll, did we have a poll idea?
ASRITHA: I said something with children.
SARAH: Something to do with naming kids?
ASRITHA: It’s cultural stuff.
SARAH: Here's another thing.
KAYLA: Oh God.
SARAH: Here we go. When I was in Germany, I had a host sister. He name was Nele, N-E-L-E, and I knew another girl whose name was also Neele but it was with N-E-E-L-E. Either way, you know, roughly, the same name, which I really like that name. Obviously, I don't want kids but I always thought if I for some reason wanted kids, that would be a name that I would like, but if I lived in the United States, I would never name my kid that, because it would never get pronounced right and they would probably say Nelly, which is a name I don't like. If I lived in Germany, I would potentially name the kid that but because this is America (whispers) this is America.
KAYLA: Okay. All right.
SARAH: It wouldn't get pronounced right. I also like the name Saoirse, like Saoirse Ronan.
KAYLA: I like the name Liesel.
ASRITHA: What?
KAYLA: Liesel. Like from Sound of Music. I'm really cool like that.
ASRITHA: Yes.
SARAH: Anyway, poll. Hold on. I actually did have a poll idea and then I forgot it. Uh –
KAYLA: She's staring at the light.
SARAH: Okay. For those of you who do date/if you were dating, would your parents have restrictions on who you can date? The first option is, yes, there are hard and fast boundaries. Second option is they have guidelines but they're flexible. Third option is pretty lenient, they have things they want but ultimately, it's my decision. Four is they just don't care.
ASRITHA: Okay. All right.
SARAH: Yeah. You can find that poll on our Twitter @soundsfakepod. You can also find us on Tumblr, soundsfakepod.tumblr.com. You can also email us, soundsfakepod@Gmail.com. Where can they listen, Kayla?
KAYLA: Anywhere you find your podcasts, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio. All the places except Spotify. They never will accept us. I've tried, I promise.
SARAH: You can also support us on Patreon, like Asritha here.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: For our $5 patrons, I'll even put you first today. We have Asritha Vinnakota, you can find her on Instagram @asritha_v. Do you have anything else you'd like to advertise since you're here?
ASRITHA: You know, I'm here, I'm existing. My parents are good people, I swear. You know, it's just the cultural shit that a lot of kids go through.
SARAH: That's true.
ASRITHA: I like to advertise that if you're a first-gen, I'm going to just say this for myself, I hope it gets better.
KAYLA: It'll get better.
ASRITHA: I'm sure it will. Anyway, that's there. Keep supporting your local causes. I don't know what they can be.
KAYLA: They could be this podcast.
ASRITHA: They could be this podcast.
SARAH: Let's see who else supports this podcast on patreon.com/soundsfakepod.
SARAH: (cutting in) Hello. It is I, Sarah, from the future. Hi, we have some new patrons, so I had to rerecord the ending. That's exciting. Before I begin, if you are a patron on Patreon, we sent you an email recently. I hope you've already seen it but if you haven't, maybe check your email that you use on Patreon. Basically, we're getting a bunch of new patrons, which is great but it means we're getting too many to say at the end of all of the podcasts.
We want to work out some new perks so that you guys are still getting perks, but maybe different ones. We don't know what you guys want, so we've emailed you, if you are a Patreon, please answer it. We want to know what's best for you so that we can make some good changes that you like, and don't hate us for and stop listening. Never stop listening. Please, actually, if it's right for you, stop listening but please don't.
Yup. That's all. All right. We do have a Patreon, in case that wasn't clear already. You can find us on patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you want to be one of those new patrons who gets a new and exciting, currently undecided perk, that could be you. That could be your future.
All right. For our $2 patrons, we have Sara Jones, we also have Keith McBlaine. Hi, Keith. Welcome, you're new. Thank you. For our $5 patrons, we have Jennifer Smart. You can find her on YouTube by looking up Lehen Productions. Then we have Asritha Vinnekota, who was in this episode. Hi, Asritha, how goes it? Go give her some love @asritha_v on Instagram. Then we have Austin Le, who would like to promote the Twitch channel twitch.tv/k4iley. Then we have Drew Finney. You can find him on Twitter @midwest_drew.
We have a new $5 Patreon, it's Perry Fiero. Hi, Perry. Pierry? No. Thank you, Perry, for your money. We forgot to ask you – No, we neglected to ask you what to advertise, because we're changing them and we thought we were going to have them changed in time for this week's episode, and then we realized we weren't. Oops. We do know Perry personally and he has a great fucking Instagram where he posts some cool art he does. That's @perryfiero. If you're listening to this, it means we got his permission to say that. I wouldn't just say that without his permission anyway. Yeah. Thanks, Perry.
Then for our $10 patrons, we have Emma Fink, you can find her on YouTube by looking up Emma T Fink. Then we have Tristan Call, who would like to promote his friend who can be found on DeviantArt and Tumblr @rationallyparanoid.
Yeah. Thank you to all of our patrons. Thank you to everyone else but also if you're not a patron, maybe consider giving us your money, if you can. I don't know. Okay. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
KAYLA: Thank you for listening. Thank you for coming on our podcast, Asritha.
ASRITHA: I've been making them –
KAYLA: She's been wanting to come on the podcast for so long.
ASRITHA: So long.
SARAH: I'm really glad you finally made it. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
ASRITHA: Oh, wait, can I say it?
SARAH and KAYLA: Yes.
ASRITHA: Take good care of your cows.
ALL: (laugh)