Ep 68: What to Do Instead of Being Aphobic
Sarah: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast, where an Aromantic, I'm Sarah, that's me.
Kayla: And a Demi-straight girl. That's me, Kayla,
Sarah: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else. We just don't understand.
Kayla: On today's episode: Being Aphobic.
Kayla and Sarah...: Sounds Fake But Okay.
Sarah: Welcome back to the pod. I still don't know what to say here.
Kayla and Sarah...: Cool.
Sarah: So the idea for this week's pod came about because my brain was going too fast.
Kayla: One day. Sarah got really high on some medication that she was...
Sarah: It was prescribed to me.
Kayla: It was prescribed. But you don't take it.
Sarah: I don't take anymore.
Kayla: 'Cause you realize, "This is not good for me."
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Because she got very high one day.
Sarah: I wasn't high. It was like...
Kayla: She was fucked up.
Sarah: I was very anxious, and my brain was going very fast.
Kayla: She walked three miles.
Sarah: I walked three and a half miles just to get it out of me.
Kayla: Yeah. Also, what is this episode inspired by?
Sarah: It is inspired, for those of you who know who Superfruit is/are. They're two members of Pentatonicx they have a YouTube channel. Many, many years ago...
Kayla: When they were babies...
Sarah: When they were baby children, they did a video that was like a hundred things to, I don't remember what the exact title was.
Kayla: It was like a hundred excuses to not hang out with people.
Sarah: Yes.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: It was very funny.
Kayla: Oh, it's hilarious. Hold on. I'm going to look up what they actually name was, because everyone should watch this video 'cause it's hilarious. They did a part two also. That's really...
Sarah: I'm nine months pregnant.
Kayla: Ugh. It's so funny.
Sarah: Oh, that's the best part.
Kayla: It's so funny.
Sarah: Long story short, I started coming up with a list of things to do instead of being Aphobic a la this video, I have 139 things written down.
Kayla: It's 100 ways to ditch your friends.
Sarah: Yes. That's what it's called. Look it up if you haven't.
Kayla: It's very funny.
Sarah: So, this pod is inspired by that.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I've prepared 139 things to do.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Kayla has prepared nothing.
Kayla: Yeah, so Sarah wrote these all when she was high.
Sarah: I was not high.
Kayla: She was, and I've skimmed a couple of them, of Sarah's.
Sarah: I was just anxious.
Kayla: Well, high on anxiety.
Sarah: I'm not high on life. I'm high on anxiety.
Kayla: So, Sarah prepared a bunch and I was like, I don't think I'm going to be able to sit down and come up with a bunch and be funny. I don't think I'm going to be funny, anyway. I was like, I don't think I can sit down and come up with any.
Sarah: Are you saying that you think mine are going to be funny?
Kayla: Yours are funny. I've read them, stop fishing for compliments. You bitch.
Sarah: I need to be reminded that I'm funny sometimes, Kayla.
Kayla: Me and Sarah the other day, I was like, "Sarah, why didn't you tell me I'd have no self-confidence?" She was like, "Why didn't you tell me I was funny?" So, then I told her, "Once a week, we need to tell each other things about each other."
Sarah: I think that happened on the pod.
Kayla: No, it didn't. We were texting because then, I remember you texted me, for example, you have hair. I said, "Yep." That was the end of that. Anyway, so I'm just going to come up with mine on the spot.
Sarah: Yes. She's going to wing it.
Kayla: Sarah has a list.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: These are all things to do that are better uses of your time and energy than being Aphobic.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: So, if you ever see anyone being Aphobic, you can suggest to them...
Sarah: One or all of these things.
Kayla: Doing these things instead.
Sarah: For example, you can pick up calligraphy.
Kayla: That actually seems pretty fun.
Sarah: I tried that once. It's really hard.
Kayla: Good. Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah. I try to write fancily sometimes and it doesn't...
Kayla: I have calligraphy pens in ink and it's hard. Yeah.
Sarah: What else could they do, Kayla?
Kayla: They could eat a ham sandwich.
Sarah: That's a good idea.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Alternatively, or maybe while they're eating the ham sandwich, they could read the dictionary backwards.
Kayla: So, is this going like Z to A or literally reading every single thing, literally backwards, so sentence by sentence, backwards?
Sarah: Yes.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: Well, there aren't really any sentences in the dictionary.
Kayla: Yeah there are.
Sarah: Yeah, but most of it's not sentences.
Kayla: Yeah, they are.
Sarah: Whatever.
Kayla: There's a sentence describing what the word is, and it's a proper sentence. I think it is.
Sarah: No, it's not.
Kayla: I'm pretty sure it is.
Sarah: It's not.
Kayla: Whatever.
Sarah: It's a fragment.
Kayla: Anyway.
Sarah: You could debate whether dictionaries have sentences in them.
Kayla: Whatever.
Sarah: What else could they do?
Kayla: You could de tangle some Christmas lights.
Sarah: Yeah, that would,
Kayla: It's a lot. It would take a lot of your time.
Sarah: You would be sitting there thinking long and hard about what you've done, you know?
Kayla: Yeah, because it's torturous.
Sarah: Yeah. Really is. Listen to every single episode of our podcast on half speed.
Kayla: That's so painful. I know there is someone right now listening to all of our episodes, so perhaps he could switch to listening them on half speed.
Sarah: To throw it on half speed. It's very relaxing.
Kayla: It's not, I bet.
Sarah: Yeah. What else could they do?
Kayla: Okay. Count Sarah's freckles.
Sarah: That would take a long time. I have a lot, especially in the summer.
Kayla: Indeed.
Sarah: Yeah. So, you could really count my freckles as I lecture you about why being aphobic is bad.
Kayla: Good. Yeah.
Sarah: You could learn how to read Gallifreyan, the language of the Time Lords from Doctor Who.
Kayla: Interesting.
Sarah: It's all circles. It's like...
Kayla: It is. Yeah.
Sarah: There's a website where you can write a sentence and they'll make it.
Kayla: I've seen the word asexual and aromantic written in Gallifreyan.
Sarah: That's exciting.
Kayla: I've shown them to you. You've seen them too.
Sarah: I'm sure you have.
Kayla: You could open your eyes really wide.
Sarah: How long?
Kayla: No, just open them really wide.
Sarah: Open your eyes to how being asexual is natural.
Kayla: Open your third eye really wide.
Sarah: Oh god, I hate that. Okay. Try to find the dullest book in human history. Read it.
Kayla: But you just did the dictionary. Wouldn't that be the dictionary?
Sarah: Honestly, I doubt it. I'm sure there's horrible, dull book.
Kayla: The Bible.
Sarah: Jesus. Kayla may have just insulted some of our listeners.
Kayla: Oh, okay. So, my new one is writing Mary Magdalene and Jesus Fan-Fic, smut in particular.
Sarah: Yeah, yeah. Good. You could also squeeze orange juice until your arms fall off.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: I say ornch juice.
Kayla: You say a lot of things.
Sarah: I know people who say oran juice, and I hate that. They just smash the words together.
Kayla: You could...
Sarah: They make the "ja" sound in both of them.
Kayla: Stick a very sharp, thin needle into an egg so it doesn't crack, and then squeeze out all of it.
Sarah: Then, put it in your orange juice.
Kayla: And put the yolk in your...
Sarah: The yolk?
Kayla: Put the yolk in the cup...
Sarah: The yolk.
Kayla: Put the yolk in the cup, and then syringe some orange juice in the syringe, and then syringe back the orange juice into the egg. Replace it. Someone's going to crack it into their pan.
Sarah: And it'll be orange juice.
Kayla: Surprise, bitch. You're frying orange juice now. Prank pulled. We're a prank. We're a prank YouTube channel.
Sarah: This is a prank podcast. Oh wow. Great. You could build a time machine and use it to travel forward in time to the 21st century, because that's where we are, honey.
Kayla: It's a bad one.
Sarah: If you're Aphobic, you're not in the right century.
Kayla: You're not. That wasn't good.
Sarah: I had to say it twice.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I fucked it up the first time.
Kayla: Okay. You could put googly eyes on everything that looks like a face.
Sarah: Yes. I support that. What about an actual human face?
Kayla: Mm-hmm. Okay.
Sarah: You could scribble your way through an entire 64 pack of crayons until you're left with only nubs. Lots of time for thinking while you're doing that.
Kayla: Yeah. What do you do with the nubs though?
Sarah: You make a necklace out of those crayon nubs.
Kayla: Ah.
Sarah: That was actually on my list.
Kayla: Oh, all right.
Sarah: That was the next one.
Kayla: Oh, okay.
Sarah: It means you got to get me two.
Kayla: Shit. You could make a new swear word.
Sarah: That's exciting.
Kayla: Like frindle.
Sarah: Yeah. Prindle.
Kayla: No, it's a frindle. It's a book Frindle where they change the word.
Sarah: Is it a prindle or is it a frindle?
Kayla: There's this book that I'm pretty sure...
Sarah: It is Frindle.
Kayla: ...is called Frindle, and this kid is like, I'm going to change...
Sarah: I don't know where I thought it was for Prindle.
Kayla: ...the word we use for pen.
Sarah: I know. I've read that book.
Kayla: I'm explaining to them, not you, dude. It's not all about you. Then, he's like, we're going to call it a frindle now, and then it did, and they changed it in the dictionary and it was a big old deal.
Sarah: Yeah. Okay. Do you have another one?
Kayla: Go to your local library.
Sarah: That's a good idea.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Just hang out. Maybe get a library card, because having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card. Arthur, anyone?
Kayla: Yikes.
Sarah: Okay. You could teach yourself Gallic I would really like to do that.
Kayla: Gayyyy lick.
Sarah: True. I'd also, I'd like to learn Irish. It's not like that useful, but I'd just like to know it. I'd like to know a lot of things. I'd like to know ASL. I taught myself how to finger spell my name last night in ASL. It's pretty exciting. Yeah. What else could they do?
Kayla: You could take a large bottle of lotion and use all of it on your entire body in one sitting.
Sarah: That'd be horrible.
Kayla: Then, just marinate.
Sarah: My God, or marinade as I would say. Oh, that was my family making fun of me. I say marinade instead of marinate because I think...
Kayla: You know marinade is the noun, right?
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: You make a marinade to marinate to marinate someone in.
Sarah: I say that one as the verb too.
Kayla: I think it just said to marinate someone in. Oh, is she a serial killer?
Sarah: I think it's because I just heard it wrong, and so I just started saying it wrong.
Kayla: I don't like that.
Sarah: Marinade. You could invent a carbon neutral label maker.
Kayla: What do you mean carbon neutral? What do you...
Sarah: It's like there's no carbon emissions.
Kayla: Label maker?
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Do those emit carbon in the first place?
Sarah: To make them, I'm sure.
Kayla: I don't think they do.
Sarah: I think everything emits carbon.
Kayla: I don't think label makers, they're just...
Sarah: Cows emit carbon.
Kayla: Yeah. Oh no. Cows?
Sarah: Now the cows!
Kayla: Yeah. That's why they blame cows for greenhouse gases, you know that, right? I don't. Label makers are electric. You plug them into the wall or they have batteries.
Sarah: Everything has a carbon footprint, Kayla.
Kayla: All right.
Sarah: Keep in mind, my mind state as I was writing this.
Kayla: So, the label maker is the most important thing to you to erase its carbon footprint.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: What could be done instead of that? Do you think there's something better than that?
Kayla: Yes.
Sarah: What?
Kayla: Cars.
Sarah: That's not something to do instead of being Aphobic.
Kayla: Is to reduce the carbon footprint of cars?
Sarah: I know. I agree, but my question was what could you do that instead of being Aphobic? You just said "Cars." That's not an answer.
Kayla: Yeah, it is. Do a car.
Sarah: Do a car?
Kayla: Do a car. It has...
Sarah: I don't want to.
Kayla: It has the gas hole. Yeah. Do a car.
Sarah: No, please.
Kayla: See, that's what I'm saying. Being Aphobic is so bad that you know what's better than being Aphobic? Fucking a car! Yeah, I said it. I did.
Sarah: You could also make a battle ax out of toothpicks. Yeah.
Kayla: All right. You could make a tiny house, not like the tiny houses you see on the HGTV channel.
Sarah: But a tiny house.
Kayla: I'm talking a tiny house that's as big as my finger, and I have a pretty small finger.
Sarah: Like your pinky finger?
Kayla: Yeah. It's pretty little.
Sarah: Oh, it really is.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: You could translate the entire Game of Thrones series into Arabic. Now, it was brought to my attention that that's probably already been done. I know. It's a DIY thing, okay?
Kayla: Why get something that already exists when you could just painstakingly do the labor yourself?
Sarah: Exactly. If you don't know Arabic, you'd have to learn Arabic first.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: Also, but listen, I'm in a translation class right now, and I've learned that it's bad practice to professionally translate something into a language that's not your native language. So, I can in good conscience only translate things into English.
Kayla: Why? Just for ethics?
Sarah: Just because you're always going to have a much better grasp on your native language than any language you learn, even if you are completely fluent, there's going to be something that you saying...
Kayla: What if you grew up bilingual?
Sarah: Then that would be fine, but I can't translate anything into anything other than English. I can go German to English, but I couldn't go English to German.
Kayla: I see.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: That makes sense.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: You know how serial killers make notes by cutting things up from magazines? Like the letters?
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Make one of those and send it to your crush.
Sarah: Or you could do a close reading of the encyclopedia article on topography.
Kayla: No.
Sarah: But it'd be so interesting.
Kayla: You could figure out where this string I'm pulling leads to.
Sarah: It fell out of my pants.
Kayla: It fell out of her pants.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Done. Figured that one out.
Sarah: Got it. You could find an old person.
Kayla: Ugh.
Sarah: Speak to them exclusively in pig Latin and see what happens.
Kayla: I don't even want to talk to an old person in normal Latin. Or normal pig.
Sarah: Well, how are you going to teach them how to not be Aphobic?
Kayla: Ugh, I'm tired.
Sarah: You think there's only one language that pigs speak?
Kayla: I don't know. Snorts. Do you think there's dialects of pig?
Sarah: Probably. You know what else you could do, Kayla? Because you're taking too long to think of things.
Kayla: No,
Sarah: You could teach yourself the longest Knock, Knock joke on the planet.
Kayla: Ew.
Sarah: Which could theoretically be the banana orange one.
Kayla: That is a long one.
Sarah: If you just go.
Kayla: If you're patient.
Sarah: It could just go forever.
Kayla: You could dig to the center of the earth.
Sarah: You can't do that.
Kayla: Yeah. It would take you a long time.
Sarah: Okay. You could watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies, but just once, because that alone would take a really long time.
Kayla: It really would.
Sarah: You can really think about the rings of the Lords.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: And Orlando Bloom.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I think that would teach you not to Aphobic.
Kayla: Yeah. If you just looked at Orlando Bloom more.
Sarah: Yeah. You can also find every single neo-Nazi on Twitter, and report them. I accidentally wrote fine every single Neo-Nazi on Twitter.
Kayla: Honestly, that would probably make a decent amount.
Sarah: You can fine them, too. Yeah.
Kayla: You could write the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie and I guarantee you it'll be better than whatever they've already written.
Sarah: The last one?
Kayla: No, what is it now? The eighth one or whatever. That would be the newest one that would come out.
Sarah: The fifth one just came out.
Kayla: Whatever it is.
Sarah: The first three are good. I stand by the first three.
Kayla: Yeah, but you can write the next one in the series, and I bet it'll be better.
Sarah: You could invent a new color, but don't let anybody else use it.
Kayla: Here's the thing. This is one that I read before.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: I listened. I forget what podcast it was.
Sarah: Has that happened in real life?
Kayla: Well, kind of.
Sarah: Basically. He copyrighted it.
Kayla: So, there's this guy that was obsessed with the color blue, and he formulated this special color of blue, and then he used it. I don't know that he didn't let anyone else use it.
Sarah: Someone did that with Pink, and it was the guy who designed The Bean.
Kayla: What a dick.
Sarah: He hates it being called The Bean. It's actually called the Cloud Gate or whatever.
Kayla: It's called Cloud Gate.
Sarah: Now everyone's like, oh yeah, call it The Bean, because he hates it.
Kayla: You could also...
Sarah: Also, there's a black, I think that someone did that way.
Kayla: That's stupid. Instead of being Aphobic, you could do all of the things that those Facebook events about The Bean tell you to do.
Sarah: Actually do them.
Kayla: Windex The Bean was the first one.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: So, you could go actually do all those things.
Sarah: I'm sure people outside of the Midwest probably don't see those. They're so great though.
Kayla: People actually did go Windex The Bean.
Sarah: That's good.
Kayla: It did happen.
Sarah: Yeah. Well, for those of you who don't know, the Bean is a giant art installation in Chicago. Look it up. It looks like a bean.
Kayla: It's just like a big metal bean.
Sarah: It's a very popular tourist attraction, but been a lot of Facebook events in the past, honestly, two or three years that have been like, do so and so to The Bean.
Kayla: So, it started as Windex The Bean.
Sarah: Windex The Bean.
Kayla: To clean it, and then it was like keep The Bean warm during the winter.
Sarah: Wrap the bean in blankets.
Kayla: Reunite The Bean with its mother. Then, there was one that was like apologize to The Bean for all we've done to it. So, I'm saying go do all of them.
Sarah: I saw one for the Mackinac Bridge. It was like put scarves on the Mackinac Bridge.
Kayla: That's funny.
Sarah: Yeah, The Bean.
Kayla: I have another one. Knit a scarf long enough to encircle the earth during the winter.
Sarah: Oh, the whole Earth?
Kayla: So, the earth can wear a little scarf around the equator.
Sarah: Okay. First of all, the equator doesn't need to scarf. Second of all, that would be around the Earth year round, or not year round, but for much of the year.
Kayla: There's always a winter somewhere.
Sarah: Are we talking Northern Hemisphere winter?
Kayla: Just give the earth a Goddamn scarf.
Sarah: The parts of the Earth that need the scarf are the parts that are further north and further south.
Kayla: I want it to wear a scarf.
Sarah: All right. You could play Jenga with fallen leaves from trees.
Kayla: That doesn't make sense.
Sarah: It wouldn't work very well.
Kayla: That literally makes no sense.
Sarah: You could condition yourself to salivate when a bell rings.
Kayla: Ew. No.
Sarah: You could join a badminton league.
Kayla: Okay. That's pretty normal.
Sarah: I'm sorry. Well, I would just hope there wouldn't be too many Aphobs in a badminton league. You could watch every single episode of, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, but only every other frame.
Kayla: You could watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, only on days when it is not sunny in Philadelphia. Go to Philadelphia. Wait until it's not sunny. That is the only time you're allowed to watch that show.
Sarah: Fair. You could transcribe every single Sounds Fake, But Okay episodes, so that it's accessible to the deaf and hard of hearing.
Kayla: One time I set out to do that, and I got halfway through an episode and I was like, "I don't. I can't."
Sarah: They're very time consuming.
Kayla: I can't do it.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Yeah. Me and Sarah both...
Sarah: I would love them to be more accessible.
Kayla: Me and Sarah both have done transcription for work, like for money, and it takes a long time.
Sarah: It's very time consuming.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I don't have the time for it. I'm sorry. Oh, write a 200K FanFiction about Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Oh my God. You already said that. Do it again.
Kayla: Do it again.
Sarah: You could also read up on the Israel Palestine conflict and figure out what the hell is going on out there because.
Kayla: You could solve Brexit.
Sarah: You could tell me what the hell is going on with the Israel Palestine conflict, because I am just not well enough informed on the topic.
Kayla: Yeah, I got it.
Sarah: Brexit is in shambles right now. Have you seen the recent news?
Kayla: Yeah. It was the hardest vote "No" that parliament has ever had in history. The confidence vote went through though.
Sarah: The no confidence vote. Oh, the no did not go through.
Kayla: Well, yeah.
Sarah: It was close though.
Kayla: Right. Yeah.
Sarah: Tea. I'm so sorry, UK. You're fucked just like us. Oh, also, there's been big news on the Trump Front. Granted this I'm, we're recording this a full week ahead of time, so maybe he did something else in the meantime.
Kayla: Probably.
Sarah: Probably. A Buzzfeed article was like...
Kayla: Buzzfeed broke a story.
Sarah: Buzzfeed broke a story, like a big story. I was like, "I'm proud of you." People were like, "Well, if it's true." I was like, "These two journalists have had many credible stories in the past. Just because it's coming from Buzzfeed."
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: It's not my fault that you get all your news from thesoaringeagle.net. I kind of stole that from a tweet, so can't take credit for that joke.
Kayla: I'm pretty sure that's what my high school newspaper was called.
Sarah: Really? Mine was called...
Kayla: Might have been. Oh, no. It was just the Hartland Eagle. I don't know. Whatever.
Sarah: Good. Yeah, no, I'm not informed on the Israel Palestine conflict. Dye every single one of your strands of hair a different color.
Kayla: Ew. By the time you were done, there would be new hairs.
Sarah: And new colors.
Kayla: No, no.
Sarah: I already told them to invent a new color.
Kayla: Oh, okay.
Sarah: You could eat nachos.
Kayla: Yeah, I did that yesterday.
Sarah: I'm happy for you. You could try to make ice cream out of kombucha.
Kayla: Ew.
Sarah: You look stupid.
Kayla: You could look stupid.
Sarah: Hold on. I'm going to take a picture of Kayla and then Kayla, you're going to tweet this.
Kayla: I think you should tweet it.
Sarah: Well, from the pod Twitter.
Kayla: You have access to that.
Sarah: I do. I can do it.
Kayla: You could go to Pod Con and tell Hank Green to shout out our podcast.
Sarah: You'll have to do it next week.
Kayla: You already did!
Sarah: Anna. That was so...
Kayla: You could kill Todd.
Sarah: Please kill Todd.
Kayla: I'm looking at Todd right now. We've contemplated ways that Cod, my God, who is he anymore?
Sarah: God, he's a fish.
Kayla: We've contemplated ways that Todd could die. I think he needs to be covered so he doesn't get sunlight anymore, 'cause he is right in front of a window, still.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: So, I think we need to put a box over him.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: We haven't done that. You could also kill a cod though, and go fishing.
Sarah: Okay, or get this. Tortoises? Find out.
Kayla: I don't like that.
Sarah: I like that. I had a lot of question marks there.
Kayla: I don't like that.
Sarah: You could make a paperclip chain that can encircle, that can circle the equator, because that makes more sense than a scarf.
Kayla: It doesn't. It really doesn't.
Sarah: It's more useful than a scarf. If people need a paperclip, they can just take one.
Kayla: You could, you know how people do, it's like graffiti, but with yarn, how they'll just knit something around a light pole or something?
Sarah: Literally, not at all, but I love it.
Kayla: So, people just like knit, encircle a light pole and knitting or whatever. Do that to the rings of Saturn.
Sarah: They're gaseous. Rings are gaseous.
Kayla: Get them. Catch the rings.
Sarah: You just can't do that.
Kayla: What's the song that's like if something about catching sand or water in your hands or whatever? Do that, but the rings of Saturn. Slurp them up. Slurp up the rings of Saturn.
Sarah: A thousand hugs from 10,000 lightning bugs.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: That was not on my list.
Kayla: Good.
Sarah: Invent a life jacket that weighs less than nothing.
Kayla: That would create a black hole.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: If something weighed less than nothing.
Sarah: Create a life jacket black hole.
Kayla: A life hole. Wait, that's a vagina.
Sarah: No, no.
Kayla: Yeah, it's, that's where life comes out.
Sarah: I know. That's why I said no.
Kayla: Create a new word for the vagina. Already did it.
Sarah: Kill Kayla, please.
Kayla: Do my reading for me. It'll take you so long.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: It's also about feminism.
Sarah: Nice. If you are unable to invent that life jacket, you could invent a life jacket that weighs almost nothing, and then take it to the moon to see if you can get it to weigh less than nothing.
Kayla: I don't think that's how that works.
Sarah: The mass stays the same, but the weight changes.
Kayla: Yeah, but I like truly don't think that's how it works.
Sarah: Yeah, me neither.
Kayla: Go to the dark side of the moon.
Sarah: I thought you were just going to say the dark side.
Kayla: Go to the dark side. They have cookies.
Sarah: Sith Lords. I hate that picture.
Kayla: Yeah. It's not good.
Sarah: Rewrite American history, so that it's way more inclusive.
Kayla: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah: Also, you could rescue a goldfish from its inevitable death in the hands of a small child.
Kayla: Damn. You could jump into an alternate universe, find like seven other versions of yourself, beat kingpin, make some Frans, and kill your uncle on accident, kind of.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: It okay.
Sarah: Major spoilers for Spiderman into the Spiderverse.
Kayla: They didn't know the name before you said it.
Sarah: You could learn how to ladder braid hair.
Kayla: Ew.
Sarah: Or you could snatch a weave.
Kayla: You like my hair? Gee, thanks. Just bought it.
Sarah: You could invent a new type of Kleenex that can diagnose your illness just by looking at your snot.
Kayla: Ew. You could just look at your snot.
Sarah: You could start composting.
Kayla: With your snot.
Sarah: I mean, I guess that's compostable. You could try to fold a single piece of paper in half more than seven times.
Kayla: The myth busters already did that. It is a very large piece.
Sarah: Bust it again.
Kayla: Bustin, bustin, bustin, bustin.
Sarah: You could... Cry when you can't remember what the end of the sentence was supposed to say. I clearly had something in mind and then wrote half of the sentence and then forgot it.
Kayla: No. You know what actually happened is I was skimming through these. I saw that. You didn't have an end to that or something and I wrote part of that for you. I think.
Sarah: Oh good.
Kayla: I'm pretty sure that's what happened. You could collect every piece of dust in our house one by one.
Sarah: Yes. You could code a computer virus whose sole purpose,
Kayla: Whose.
Sarah: Interesting that I call it a who, who's sole purpose is to give really specific compliments to people when they're sad.
Kayla: You could aid the apes in their takeover of the world.
Sarah: The planet.
Kayla: Yeah. Up here.
Sarah: You could find my stapler. I can't find it. It's red. How could I lose it?
Kayla: Oh yeah. Where is she?
Sarah: I don't know. I can't staple.
Kayla: You could remind me to bring a sharpie to work. I've been meaning to for like a week.
Sarah: Okay. You could use the time machine that you made earlier to go back in time and stop them from carving president's face onto Mount Rushmore because that was a sacred Native American place, Goddamn it.
Kayla: You carve Obama's face into the moon.
Sarah: Google the phrase. You could Google the phrase "Presidents in the rock" because you can't remember the name of Mount Rushmore.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: I did that.
Kayla: You idiot. How do you even go to school?
Sarah: Time Machine? Yeah. Use it to go back in time and tell Spain to not let Christopher Columbus on that fucking boat.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Teach a robot how to love.
Kayla: That's too, they're already too powerful. You referred to a robot as a who earlier.
Sarah: I referred to a computer virus as a who.
Kayla: Even worse.
Sarah: The Who. You could invent a highlighter whose soul, no. You could invent... Highlighters have souls now.
Kayla: You could teach Sarah how to read.
Sarah: Hey, it's my bad- I have to turn my head a lot.
Kayla: You could remove Sarah's bad eye.
Sarah: Yeah, please get rid of my left eye and give me one that's better. Yeah. You could invent a highlighter whose color changes depending on how well you know the material that you're highlighting.
Kayla: It would all be the one color of... I don't get it. That's like no different than a regular highlighter who only has one color.
Sarah: You could vaccinate your Goddamn kids.
Kayla: Oh, fuck. You could.
Sarah: You could reinvent the printing press.
Kayla: No, she's already been done.
Sarah: You could use that new printing press to publish the Bible in the font Wing Dings.
Kayla: Oh my God. You should reprint the constitution in Wing Dings.
Sarah: Okay. Instead of being Aphobic, you could invent a new letter just for fun.
Kayla: That doesn't make sense. What would you do with it?
Sarah: Make noises. It's like the "Dza" one.
Kayla: What?
Sarah: Linguistics. There's one that looks like a D and a Z combined and it's like the "Dza"
Kayla: I don't know her.
Sarah: I'm a good linguist. I took that class pass/fail.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: You could make a loan on Kiva.
Kayla: A what?
Sarah: A loan on Kiva. Kiva's a wonderful website where you can make loans to people in impoverished areas. A lot of them are like in Africa and you can make a loan to small business owners, and it's like $25 of American dollars, and then they use it on their small business, and then eventually they pay you back.
Kayla: Huh.
Sarah: It's really great.
Kayla: I've never heard of that.
Sarah: It's called Kiva. K-I-V-A.
Kayla: Hmm.
Sarah: You could install tab for a cause on your computer. I've had that for a long time. I've donated a lot of hearts to some great causes.
Kayla: Yeah, I have. Yeah. You could do one of those websites where you go and click on things, and it gives rights to people.
Sarah: Yeah. You could add weird auto corrects into your parents' phones just to fuck with them.
Kayla: Yes.
Sarah: I one time changed my name in my mom's phone to my favorite daughter.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: She got pretty mad.
Kayla: Is it because you're not her favorite?
Sarah: Yeah. You could beat Tetris.
Kayla: I don't think you can do that.
Sarah: Yeah you can. There goes to a certain point where there's no more levels. You just have to get there.
Kayla: What if you're playing like free play though?
Sarah: Well, I'm talking about the levels. It doesn't go past 999.
Kayla: Yeah, but you can just play Tetris, like never ending Tetris.
Sarah: You could beat Flappy Bird.
Kayla: Fuck that game, dude. Remember when they deleted the app because the world went insane?
Sarah: I refused to play it 'cause I know I'd get addicted to it.
Kayla: I don't think I got addicted.
Sarah: Recently I reinstalled Temple runs and Fruit Ninja on my phone. Played them once and was like, Yeah, that's good. Then, I deleted them.
Kayla: I do that a lot. I'll download, I had Dots on my phone for a while.
Sarah: See, I don't have games on my phone because I will just dedicate my life to them, which is what I did in middle school.
Kayla: That's fair.
Sarah: So, okay, you could contemplate bringing back Vine. Then realize part of the reason it's now so beloved is because it's gone and ultimately decide that you don't want to ruin that. So don't bring it back.
Kayla: What are you bringing back? Vine? Oh yeah.
Sarah: TikTok is trying to be Vine.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: I someone the other day was like, I saw this TikTok the other day and she was like, yes, I downloaded TikTok. Yes. I'm ashamed of it. Let's move on.
Kayla: Oh my God. That's going to be me. I've like contemplated downloading it. Once I download it, that's going to be me.
Sarah: I feel like it's the slightly older version of Musically.
Kayla: It is, because I think it's by the same company.
Sarah: It's in between Musically and Vine.
Kayla: And Vine. Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah. You could hold the memorial service for Vine.
Kayla: I'm sure that's already been done.
Sarah: I'm sure. You could do an internet deep dive on Flat Earthers.
Kayla: Please do. You could read up on why birds aren't real. Birdsarentreal.com is the most important website I've ever been to. Have you seen a bird since the government shut down? No. It's because the United States government started mass murdering birds in the 1950s.
Sarah: What about the bird scooters?
Kayla: No comment.
Sarah: You could catch a moth with one hand and name it Steven and then set it free. Steven is always my default name.
Kayla: I would worry about catching a moth in one hand though, because if it was like a big-ish moth, you would probably crush it.
Sarah: Yeah. My dog likes to catch moths in her mouth, and eat them.
Kayla: Idiot.
Sarah: I mean, it's the only thing she's good at so you have to let her have it.
Kayla: Is she good at though?
Sarah: Oh, she actually is. She's very good.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: She just bites moths in the air.
Kayla: One time, my dog killed a bird in our backyard, and then she just like didn't know what to do with it. She's a bird dog, but we didn't train her to be a hunting dog. So, she didn't know she killed it 'cause it was her instinct and then she didn't...
Sarah: Didn't know what to do.
Kayla: ...know what to do with her body.
Sarah: Good. One time my dog found a dead bird in our basement. Ooh. You could go skydiving with a dog.
Kayla: No, I don't think dogs can handle that.
Sarah: Okay.
Kayla: No.
Sarah: You could create the perfect recipe for vegan queso, which would probably still be really gross.
Kayla: Oh yeah. Probably
Sarah: You could charge 97 bird scooters.
Kayla: No.
Sarah: What about 98?
Kayla: Hmm. I'll think about it.
Sarah: 96. So, the higher numbers are better for you?
Kayla: I don't know.
Sarah: Okay.
Kayla: It's really a, you know?
Sarah: You could eat a gummy worm, but only one.
Kayla: You could go to all of the gardens.
Sarah: I don't know how a person could eat only one gummy worm.
Kayla: Yeah. Unless it was the only one left.
Sarah: That's true. That's valid. Then, you'd have to go to the store and get more gummy worms.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: You could find the nearest Olympic torch and just stare at it for awhile.
Kayla: You could lick it.
Sarah: I don't think that's allowed.
Kayla: Huh? Try and stop me.
Sarah: Oh, okay. You could try and stop Kayla from licking her nearest Olympic torch, which would be Atlanta?
Kayla: I have no idea.
Sarah: Probably Atlanta. Was there an Olympics in Chicago?
Kayla: Place bets on where...
Sarah: Was there ever an Olympics in Toronto?
Kayla: I am so yawny right now.
Sarah: Wake up. It's Christmas.
Kayla: I don't know.
Sarah: You could call 1-800-CALL-sAM and ask how his days been?
Kayla: No, he's a dick, I thought
Sarah: Probably. Is he just a Michigan thing? He's one of those lawyers.
Kayla: The Bernsteins I think are Michigan.
Sarah: He's one of those lawyers.
Kayla: One of the Sam Bernstein's sons was a guy at U&M.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: On the board thing.
Sarah: Yeah. The one who's not blind?
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Actually is he the one who was blind?
Kayla: I think it's the one that's not blind.
Sarah: This is really niche conversation.
Kayla: Yes.
Sarah: But those lawyers who have commercials that are like, I'll say...
Kayla: They're the first family of law.
Sarah: Jeffrey Feiger. 1-800-CALL-SAM. Joanne, that woman who's on a lot of billboards.
Kayla: I don't think I know that.
Sarah: She's a more recent one.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: But yeah, call your recent lawyer person, and ask how their day's been. If you're not from the United States, you probably don't have these people advertise their lawyer services.
Kayla: Watch all of the Great British Bake Off.
Sarah: Okay. Good idea. You could read up on Quakerism. Remember that one time when I was watching the video about the woman who's a lesbian, but she's a Quaker and she's really new to it and she's British?
Kayla: No.
Sarah: It was really cool. It was interesting.
Kayla: Oh, interesting.
Sarah: You could learn a really weird dialect of French. That's totally useless unless you're in a specific town.
Kayla: I watched a movie about that once. There's this comedy about this guy having to move to the very north part, I think of France, and their dialect is very bananas, and it was bananas.
Sarah: Have you talked about this on the pod before?
Kayla: Maybe.
Sarah: I kind of forget what we say just to each other and on the pod.
Kayla: It all just blends together.
Sarah: Blurs together. You could teach an orphan how to tango. Count Olaf?
Kayla: Why would you? You're not adopting them? You're just like teaching them how to tango and then leaving?
Sarah: Dance teacher.
Kayla: That's so rude.
Sarah: You could build a bridge where a bridge is totally unnecessary. That'd be fun, wouldn't it?
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Any civil engineers out there? Hit us up.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: That's a better thing to do than being Aphobic. You could explain to a nun what twerking is.
Kayla: I feel like some of them probably know.
Sarah: I'm sure some do, but I don't think all of them.
Kayla: You could find a yun. A nun wearing a yellow habit. A yun?
Sarah: For some reason when you said yun, the first thing I thought of was a yurt mixed with a nun.That wouldn't work.
Kayla: A yurt wearing a habit. A yurt made out of one large habit.
Sarah: A nun living in a yurt.
Kayla: Yes.
Sarah: You could send an uncooked potato to a loved one.
Kayla: I've done that before.
Sarah: Yeah. You can really do that.
Kayla: It's fun. Then, that loved one kept it for a long time and it started sprouting.
Sarah: Oh, we love that.
Kayla: It was very exciting science time.
Sarah: You could befriend a moose one and then after that you could give your new moose friend a muffin.
Kayla: What about if you befriended a mouse? You could give the mouse a cookie.
Sarah: A cookie? Yeah. Okay.
Kayla: People who are not familiar with those children's books are slightly confused right now.
Sarah: They're children's books.
Kayla: Yeah, they're good. You could find a giant peach.
Sarah: And name it James.
Kayla: That was not the story. It was...
Sarah: I know I read it a really long time ago.
Kayla: He goes in the peach. I saw a tweet or something recently about how sexual that book might have been explaining the squishy inside of the peach.
Sarah: Oh.
Kayla: Now I don't remember, but it probably was.
Sarah: You could run either a marathon or for office. It's up to you.
Kayla: What about both at once? What if I campaign for my office campaign while running a marathon?
Sarah: Number 78 does say be an overachiever and do both.
Kayla: Well. Done. Did it.
Sarah: I can't believe that Kayla's going to run a marathon. When do you think you're going to poop?
Kayla: During the marathon?
Sarah: Yeah. It's usually about two hours in.
Kayla: I'm going to not. I'm just going to not eat for a couple days before, so I have no poo inside me. I think that's a winning...
Sarah: You'll fucking pass out.
Kayla: It's a winning strat. You wouldn't understand. You're not a marathonist like me.
Sarah: Save Kayla from passing out by explaining to her why that's a bad idea.
Kayla: Nah.
Sarah: You could look at the account @PetCanines on Instagram.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: It's so great. There's a couple that are like that, but Pet Canines is great.
Kayla: You could take up embroidery. I did that over Christmas break.
Sarah: What an old woman.
Kayla: Yes.
Sarah: You could knit a turtleneck backpack.
Kayla: I want you to explain that to me.
Sarah: Okay. It's a turtleneck.
Kayla: Yep.
Sarah: It has a built-in backpack.
Kayla: So, it's a sweater...
Sarah: Like big knit, not a real tight knit.
Kayla: So does it cover your whole top?
Sarah: Oh yeah, no. It's a shirt.
Kayla: Okay, and then?
Sarah: There's a backpack...
Kayla: In on the back.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: Built in.
Sarah: But you don't look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It looks like a backpack that's just attached to...
Kayla: It would need structurally though. How is it not going to, if I put anything heavy in it?
Sarah: That sounds like a personal problem.
Kayla: Structurally, how it's not going to stretch out the entire thing?
Sarah: That sounds like a personal problem.
Kayla: It's a structural engineering problem.
Sarah: You could code Wario out of Mario Cart Wii.
Kayla: Then who would yell weird things at you?
Sarah: I don't know. Luigi? Bowser? Bowso. Barso. Woah. Bowser and Warrior are the worst.
Kayla: Wow. Hot takes coming in.
Sarah: Hot take. You could delete the sun.
Kayla: Delete the sun!
Sarah: Oh my God. It's been sunny. It's been sunny, like four. Okay. The sun has come out four times in the past week. There are no clouds in the sky today, and there's snow on the ground and it's about five degrees Fahrenheit, which is about negative 15 degrees Celsius.
Kayla: It's so cold.
Sarah: I'm not even mad because it is both snowy and sunny and I love it.
Kayla: You could go outside tonight, but you won't be able to, 'cause you're listening to this later, so you could use that time machine we talked about go back in time to tonight, which is Sunday...
Sarah: January 20th.
Kayla: January 20th.
Sarah: 2019. Stop looking at your phone.
Kayla: It was an email from the...
Sarah: In Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Kayla: Well, what's the whole? Yeah, I don't know exactly what you're talking about.
Sarah: Oh you're talking about the... okay.
Kayla: It's the super blood wolf moon something. Those words in the order. It's like in eclipse, but it's also a red, like a blood moon, but it's also like a moon in January, so it's called the Wolf moon for some reason.
Sarah: It happened one plus weeks ago, depending on when you're listening to this.
Kayla: Yeah, so just go back and check that out.
Sarah: Yeah. Use your time machine. Remember you made one.
Kayla: Remember?
Sarah: You could become a beekeeper.
Kayla: Yeah, that'd be fun.
Sarah: It's actually really good. You could invent a cooler looking tractor.
Kayla: Tractors look so cool. You could go to my high school. Take all of the confederate flags that people ride around...
Sarah: Yikes.
Kayla: ...on with the back of their trucks.
Sarah: In Michigan, a part of the Union.
Kayla: And burn them.
Sarah: You could get off my dick Marwan.
Kayla: What?
Sarah: That was a Mean Girls, the musical reference.
Kayla: You could give me those earrings, Rachel.
Sarah: You could carve an ominous message into a banana that can only be seen when it gets over ripe.
Kayla: You could, here's something I came up with yesterday of the perfect way to propose to someone if you are a Quidditch player, is you're playing Quidditch and you catch the snitch whilst on one knee you have the snitch sock in your hand.
Sarah: You can't do that.
Kayla: You open it. I'm not asking you.
Sarah: You can't... If you're on one knee, then that's not a fair catch.
Kayla: If you're on your broom stillS
Sarah: I guess the snitch just can't be.
Kayla: Yeah, you're still on your broom. You just have one knee down.
Sarah: I don't know if that's legal.
Kayla: It's fine.
Sarah: I'm not a seeking master.
Kayla: You have the snitch sock in your hand on one knee. You turn to whoever. Hopefully, honestly, the snitch is who you're proposing to. You open the snitch and there's a ring inside.
Sarah: That's a huge conflict of interest. You should not have a snitch snitching if you are in a relationship with them.
Kayla: I didn't say they were in a relationship, Sarah. I don't know why he's proposing or she is proposing. Okay, and that's how you propose.
Sarah: You could take my exams for me. I wrote this in December, but I will have a couple more. I'll have probably two more exams, three more exams.
Kayla: You can write my papers for me. I'll have several that are like 20 pages long.
Sarah: You could try Detroit style pizza, preferably from Buddies.
Kayla: You could not do that ever because square pizza is icky.
Sarah: Kayla's a monster.
Kayla: You could find a monster.
Sarah: And call it Kayla.
Kayla: You could do the hundred baby challenge on sims.
Sarah: You could try to use the word billowing once an hour for a whole day.
Kayla: I hate that.
Sarah: You could convince a bird that it should not eat that piece of bread on the ground because that bread contains egg and cannibalism.
Kayla: It's almost like that's maybe how they killed all the birds in the 1950s, and why birds aren't real anymore.
Sarah: You could learn bout the origins of Kwanza. Cataracts? Prevent them.
Kayla: No.
Sarah: You could come up with a new name for John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
Kayla: But he already has one.
Sarah: His name is my name too.
Kayla: You could learn street smarts and how to throw them off their rhythm.
Sarah: With that money clip.
Kayla: Yeah, with the money clip.
Sarah: You could come up with the definition for Donzerly.
Kayla: I wish I could turn off my microphone somehow and just leave.
Sarah: You could become a chair.
Kayla: Like Jenna.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: You could analyze my dreams. I've been having some real weird ones.
Sarah: Our roommate's been analyzing Kayla's dreams.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: You could discover a new constellation and name it Tracy.
Kayla: It's so stupid. I hate that.
Sarah: You could bike along the entire border of the Netherlands.
Kayla: You could make the sequel to Hairspray called Hair Gel.
Sarah: You could give me a high five.
Kayla: A crisp one?
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: You could hand me an envelope with just $20 in it as a Christmas present.
Sarah: You could remind a friend that they should go to the dentist twice yearly.
Kayla: Oh my God. I haven't been to the dentist in so long.
Sarah: Oh, no. Your teeth. You could clean your glasses because they're way dirtier than you think they are.
Kayla: I already cleaned mine today and they're already dirty. Nice. You could ride a pony.
Sarah: I thought you said write a pony. Instead of being Aphobic, you could jump really high.
Kayla: How high?
Sarah: Ice cold.
Kayla: Fuck you.
Sarah: I can't hear you. I said what's cooler than being cool? Ice cold.
Kayla: You could run a three on three basketball tournament next weekend. This weekend, actually. Yesterday, when this comes out.
Sarah: You could get a PhD in needle point.
Kayla: You could get a PhD in this dick. D for dick.
Sarah: Oh no. You could paint your nails with white out like you used to do in middle school.
Kayla: You could put glue all over your hands and then let it dry and peel off. Did you ever, when you were a kid, like stick a safety pin just like in the first layer of your skin?
Sarah: I sure didn't, because I'm not a masochist.
Kayla: Okay. Where are all the people? Where have all the people gone that do this? Because I swear other people did this.
Sarah: Hey, recently I found some more people that say melk. You could get a haircut, but tell the haircutting person that they can just do whatever they want. I need to get a haircut.
Kayla: I'm still mad at you for now.
Sarah: You could create a garden with a family member.
Kayla: Oh.
Sarah: Nice bonding, you could teach them about why Aphobia's bad.
Kayla: Oh, okay.
Sarah: Yeah. Instead of being aphobi, you could teach all residents of California to drive better.
Kayla: Ooh, that's some hot tea. You could go to China, and suck up all the smog and put it somewhere else. China has a smog problem.
Sarah: I know, but would you poop it out and bury it in the ground?
Kayla: I like to think that you condense it so hard that it becomes a liquid, and then you boil it and it becomes clean.
Sarah: You could educate others on how diamonds really aren't that rare.
Kayla: They're not. In the twenties, they wanted to sell more diamonds so they came up with ad campaigns to tell people they were rare.
Sarah: But they're just all owned by the same family.
Kayla: Yeah, and they're bloody.
Sarah: Yeah. They are bloody. You could create a nonprofit that addresses obesity in squirrel populations. For example, the squirrels on campus here in Ann Arbor. You could get the deer out of my backyard.
Kayla: I don't see what you have. Sarah hates deer.
Sarah: They kill our trees. They eat our garden and they cause a lot of car accidents.
Kayla: Put a fence around your garden. That's what we did.
Sarah: We had to and it is seven feet tall.
Kayla: Yeah. Ours is very tall also.
Sarah: But it's just sad.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: Also, there are a lot of deer that cause car accidents where I live.
Kayla: I mean the deer were here before the cars were.
Sarah: They're the kind of animal that just adapt to humans, and so then...
Kayla: If they were the kind of animal to adapt to humans, they would not run in front of cars, Sarah.
Sarah: They're just stupid.
Kayla: I thought they adapted to humans. Which one is it?
Sarah: They learn how to live closer to humans, and so they bug us. I don't like deer. You could delete guns from the collective human memory.
Kayla: Oof.
Sarah: You could write a feature screenplay in which the main character is a gardenia flower.
Kayla: No.
Sarah: Okay. Tacos, maybe?
Kayla: I want tacos.
Sarah: I want Chipotle, but I already bought food today.
Kayla: Yeah, you sure did.
Sarah: Will I eat Chipotle anyway? Maybe.
Kayla: Sarah no.
Sarah: You could lobby to make voting day a national holiday in America.
Kayla: It really should be.
Sarah: Or just not on a Tuesday.
Kayla: Or that.
Sarah: Yeah, chopsticks. Just think about them for a while.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: Give blood if you're able to.
Kayla: I've never given blood before.
Sarah: Neither have I.
Kayla: I was too small.
Sarah: I'm just a weenie. No, I'm not even really bothered by needles. I'm just like, ah, that's my blood.
Kayla: When we did blood drives in high school, I just was not a large enough person to do it. They were like, no.
Sarah: You could take a nap instead of being Aphobic.
Kayla: You could grow a couple feet.
Sarah: You could.
Kayla: But what do I mean by that?
Sarah: Jenna Marbles.
Kayla: Feet.
Sarah: Jenna Marble. Oh, feet or height?
Kayla: Do I mean feet and inches or grow some extra feet?
Sarah: Grow some extra feet and it'll make you a foot taller.
Kayla: Be smaller by cutting your legs off at the knee and then reattach your feet to your knees nake...
Sarah: Naked?
Kayla: I was meant to say ankles who? But I don't know what happened.
Sarah: Okay. You could make a list of every word for toilet that you can think of and post it on the nearest wall.
Kayla: No.
Sarah: Commode. Potty.
Kayla: I'm too tired for this.
Sarah: The John. You could learn how to spell onomatopoeia right the first time.
Kayla: Wow. That is hard.
Sarah: Yeah. I know. You could write a strongly worded letter to Taylor Swift about how she should be talking real low, not real slow. They both rhyme. Why don't you say real low?
Kayla: I feel like there's a lot of other things you could write a letter to Taylor Swift about.
Sarah: I agree. You could learn the rap section to Down by J Sean because the sister of the girl you carpool with knows it and she's in 10th grade, which is cool.
Kayla: Oh my god. Sarah.
Sarah: I know. That's one personal experience.
Kayla: Oh my God. You could walk to Florida. I don't care where you are now.
Sarah: Take a long time.
Kayla: Just walk there.
Sarah: Oh, well if you're already there.
Kayla: Walk there.
Sarah: You're already there.
Kayla: Walk.
Sarah: Just walk out of a door.
Kayla: Walk there.
Sarah: You could plan a road trip where you visit the least populated city in every state in the continental US. But a city, not the least populated town or township, the least populated city.
Kayla: That's weird. I don't like that.
Sarah: You could tie as many knots in your shoes as possible.
Kayla: In your shoes or your shoe laces?
Sarah: Laces. You could create a better EpiPen and make it cheaper so that we can stop sucking Big Pharma's dick.
Kayla: I don't think we even need a better EpiPen. EpiPens are fine how they are. They just upcharge them. They don't take that much money to make that they should.
Sarah: We might as well just make a better one while we're at it. You know? Could befriend a caterpillar and name it Steve.
Kayla: You could just reduce, like remove allergies from existence, and we wouldn't need EpiPens.
Sarah: You could befriend a Steve and turn it into a caterpillar.
Kayla: I don't like this.
Sarah: What about a Stephan or Stive?
Kayla: No.
Sarah: You could learn the choreography to Room Where It Happens from Hamilton, but backwards.
Kayla: No.
Sarah: You could delete the song Honkytonk Badonkadonk from existence.
Kayla: I don't even know that song, so that already happened to me.
Sarah: You can write out the plot of Cat and the Hat in emojis.
Kayla: You could figure out whether it's Bernstein bears or Bernstein bears.
Sarah: Berenstein. You could snorkel for a while. Think about your Aphobia while you're snorkeling.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: Consult with the fish. You could buy me some eye drops. I'm running out.
Kayla: Go into a volcano.
Sarah: You could make a reverse puzzle.
Kayla: What?
Sarah: I don't know either. You could try to play Jenga with Lincoln logs and see what happens.
Kayla: What is with you in this Jenga?
Sarah: I don't know. I've said the name Steve four times.
Kayla: Clearly was not high when writing this.
Sarah: I was not high. I was just very anxious and my brain was going too fast. You can call your representatives about issues that matter to you if you have representatives. I hope you do. You can download Temple Run onto your phone and play it for the first time since 2013, but only long enough to buy the female avatar. Then, play with her once and then delete it. That's what I did earlier when I was telling you about my Temple Run experience.
Kayla: That makes it even worse.
Sarah: You could learn how to opera sing, but only in Mandarin Chinese. Now that seems really hard because Chinese is one of those language where it's like the intonation.
Kayla: Yeah. It's not good for opera, I don't think. The intonation of words.
Sarah: So hard. You could knit, but use your middle fingers as the knitting needles.
Kayla: You could knit, but use your hair as the yarn.
Sarah: You could knit, but use someone else's middle fingers as the knitting needles.
Kayla: You could knit but use someone else's hair as the yarn.
Sarah: Write a somber song about fruitcake and perform it on a banjo.
Kayla: What about you write a fruitcake, somberly on a banjo?
Sarah: Lastly, but certainly not least, sporks? Make them the international standard.
Kayla: Can you imagine a metal spork?
Sarah: I think dangerous.
Kayla: I'm sure they do, but I'm just thinking of a plastic spork and the thought of a proper metal spork, I don't like.
Sarah: Okay, well that's all I have. There are lots of other things you could do instead of being Aphobic, but that's just to get you started.
Kayla: Yeah. That should keep you busy for a little bit.
Sarah: That's like around probably 200 and like 70. No, it's probably around 250.
Kayla: That should take you at least an hour.
Sarah: It should take you at least an hour to do all those. It'll give you lots of time to think about why aphobia is bad. If you're aphobic, then you can really rethink your thoughts. If you're not, maybe you can address your thoughts and maybe find out that you have some ingrained aphobia in you.
Kayla: It's just a nice break.
Sarah: It's just a nice little break. You can think about, you can better educate your friends, your family, your enemies, your lovers.
Kayla: Your caterpillars.
Sarah: Named Steve.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: Kayla, what's our poll for this week?
Kayla: What would you rather do than be Aphobic?
Sarah: First option.
Kayla: I need to write this down.
Sarah: Invent a carbon neutral label maker.
Kayla: Ugh.
Sarah: The second thing that is an option is tortoises? Find out. Find my stapler that I can't find, or cheaper EpiPen, stop sucking Big Pharma's dick.
Kayla: I can't write that on.
Sarah: That's not going to fit.
Kayla: Reverse puzzle.
Sarah: Okay, there you go.
Kayla: We're going to make label maker one word, but we're all going to live with it, and be fine.
Sarah: Yeah, so those are some options. If you have any other fantastic ideas, please let us know at our Twitter @SoundsFakePod, which is also where you can find that poll. Thank you, Anna for telling Hank Green to say...I...uhhhh
Kayla: We didn't do our beefs.
Sarah: Oh, you're right.
Kayla: Sarah's crying, maybe.
Sarah: What's your beef of the week?
Kayla: My beef of the week is I'm sore. I was made to work out, which I don't like doing. Now I'm sore.
Sarah: Who made you work out?
Kayla: He knows who he is.
Sarah: Okay. I think I know who he is too. My beef of the week is that sometimes my feet get cold.
Kayla: Oh my God.
Sarah: But I don't like wearing socks, so it's kind of my own fault.
Kayla: No, you know what my fucking beef of the week is.
Sarah: What?
Kayla: Is that people were in our house earlier for a meeting, left our house and did not shut our back door behind them.
Sarah: It was just open?
Kayla: I was freezing cold.
Sarah: I'll remind you. It's five degrees Fahrenheit and negative 15 degrees celsius out.
Kayla: I was sitting on the beanbag in our living room, freezing cold, and I was like, is anyone else super cold? I know I'm usually a cold person, but why is this happening? One of our roommates was up later and was like, guys, the back door is just open. People had left the house forever ago. So, you know who you are. I know you're listening. You did not shut the door behind you.
Sarah: That's true. At least one of them is listening.
Kayla: Bitch, I was so cold.
Sarah: Remember when we hit the neighborhood cat, and he just ran out of our basement one time?
Kayla: No, I wasn't there for that.
Sarah: Yeah, it was just me.
Kayla: Okay.
Sarah: But yeah, that's our beef of the week. Also, you can tell us about your beef of the week, Twitter @SoundsFakePod. We also have a Tumblr soundsfakepod.com and where you can email us at soundsfakepod@gmail.com. Hello, this is Kayla and Sarah from the future. We're a lot more tired now than we were when we recorded this episode.
Kayla: I was pretty out of it when we were recording too, to be honest. So, we might be at a similar line.
Sarah: I'm definitely more tired, but since we recorded this episode, some exciting things have happened.
Kayla: Updates. Tea.
Sarah: First of all, we got some new patrons, so I'm about to read you our new patrons.
Kayla: Very exciting.
Sarah: Well, all of our patrons.
Kayla: What's something that these new patrons have in common, Sarah?
Sarah: I don't know. Kayla, tell me.
Kayla: They re currently on our brand-new Discord.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kayla: I mentioned it kind of just on a whim last episode. Then, some people tweeted asking about it, and then I was like, okay, so now we have 30 people hanging out in our Discord, and they talk like every day.
Sarah: I can't even keep up with the conversations.
Kayla: It's so sweet. Everyone's giving each other advice. Ice is canceled. F's and chat please.
Sarah: Ice is canceled. Roller coasters, we're going to put cows on them a lot. We have to build a new car for the cow because it's unsafe for the cow to be in a regular sized roller coaster car.
Kayla: So anyway, if you'd like to hear more on those things or a lot of people have been giving each other really great advice and being really sweet.
Sarah: There's some different channels. There's one just about cows.
Kayla: Yeah.
Sarah: There's one about serious things.
Kayla: There's one for your arts and crafts, to share the things you make.
Sarah: There's one for patrons only to talk about the super secret patron things.
Kayla: Yeah, sure.
Sarah: Yep. I don't... Patriots?
Kayla: Anyway.
Sarah: That's a hot topic.
Kayla: It's really cool. So, we'll link that down below. It's also on our Twitter, but it's been really cool.
Sarah: Some of the people who have been on the Discord for some reason decided to give us their money. So, as always, you can find us on Patreon sounds. Nope, we're leaving that in y'all. This is just where we're at. As always, you can find us on patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $2 and up patrons are Sarah Jones, Keith McBlain, Roxanne and Alice, who is in space.
Kayla: Really? I think she's in France though.
Sarah: Yes.
Kayla: Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, [inaudible 00:57:24] Austin Lay, Drew Finny, and Piano Fiano, and our new $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa.
Sarah: Our favorite couple.
Kayla: You could find them on Twitter at Dirty Uncle Kevin and @Tessa_M_. Okay.
Sarah: True.
Kayla: So, thank you to all of our patrons, including our new patrons and our old patrons. Thanks for sticking around.
Sarah: And everyone in the Discord. Some of you have helped me greatly learn technology and things, and just thank you for being a cute little new community. It's been, honestly, it's made me so happy, the past couple days.
Kayla: So, we've commiserated about ICE and Ace's can't scream.
Sarah: This just confirmed.
Kayla: So, cool. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. We also now have a PayPal.
Sarah: We do.
Kayla: So if you want to give us money, but just like once. We don't give you any perks, but you can PayPal us soundsfakepod@gmail.com. Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah. Cool. Thanks for listening. Thank you, Anna, for having Hank Green say our podcast's name. I can't believe our podcast is now called Sound is Fake, but okay.
Kayla: He didn't... fucked it up a little bit, but I guess we have to change the name now because that's what Hank Green said.
Sarah: Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
Kayla: Until then, take good care of your cows.