Ep 119: Unromantic Activities to Do for Valentine's Day
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SARAH: Hey what's up hello welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl I'm Sarah that's me.
KAYLA: Oh, I forgot what I was supposed to say. Okay just cut this part out.
SARAH: And a demi-straight girl that's me Kayla.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl that's me Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode unromantic things to do.
BOTH: Sounds fake but okay.
SARAH: I'll have you know I'm going to keep in the part where you couldn't remember what to say.
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: Oh um… oh this one doesn't work great but I'm doing it anyway. M’ahogany?
SARAH: Yeah, that doesn't work at all.
KAYLA: One dot A's after really...
SARAH: Yeah, because it's come up.
KAYLA: I know but I like to challenge myself.
SARAH: I have one for you.
KAYLA: Ooh
SARAH: I just thought of it just now.
KAYLA: I would love to hear it.
SARAH: M’ennonite?
KAYLA: Ooh!
SARAH: I'm not sure why that came to me but it did.
KAYLA: Oh my. I need to start writing these down because I just thought of another one but I don't want to save it… Say it now, I want to save it for next week. Let me grab a sticky note real quick.
SARAH: Okay good. This is all important.
KAYLA: I'm going to not remember why I wrote this down.
SARAH: No, you probably will.
KAYLA: I sure hope so.
SARAH: Just put an apostrophe in it and then you'll know exactly what it is.
KAYLA: Did we ever talk about on the actual podcast the animantic that someone made for us? Or did we just tweet about it?
SARAH: No, we just tweeted about it.
KAYLA: I can't believe I never discussed this on the air. So, a couple of weeks ago I tweeted and was like just saying it'd be cool if someone made an animantic.
SARAH: Is it animatic?
KAYLA: Oh, I don't know.
SARAH: Because it's animate.
KAYLA: Shh don't worry about it.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: There are little videos that basically people take audio from podcasts and then make or like from anything and make like animated videos of them. So, I tweeted and was like just saying it'd be cool if someone made this because just saying and then someone did and it was just the most amazing thing.
SARAH: Artful. My sister took a screenshot of it and sent it to me because she was just laughing very hard at the face that the animated me was making.
KAYLA: I laughed really hard because there's a part, because it does like the intro and when I did the m’ part I had a little fedora on that I tipped and it was just so good.
SARAH: I lost it at the fedora. And then after she did that animated me was crying.
KAYLA: I know. Let me find the person who made it because they need credit.
SARAH: That's very true.
KAYLA: Oh, while I'm on Twitter, Dirty Uncle Kevin says Ep45 is super underrated. Funny that you would think I would remember what Ep45 is.
SARAH: What the fuck Ep45 is.
KAYLA: Oh, okay. @_MaraDove_ on Twitter.
SARAH: Nice. Thanks Mara Dove.
KAYLA: Thank you. Now I just simply must look up what Ep45 is.
SARAH: I haven't even asked you what we're talking about this week yet.
KAYLA: They can read it in a description if they're so antsy.
SARAH: And you said it was unprofessional to have your confusion.
KAYLA: Dating as an asexual person.
SARAH: Oh, sure. I don't remember what we said.
KAYLA: No, but I do know we've done two different episodes about dating as an asexual. So, we probably said the exact same thing.
SARAH: Cool.
KAYLA: Good
SARAH: Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: Well, this week… I think, has Aromantic Awareness Week started?
SARAH: It might be the beginning of it.
KAYLA: When this comes out on Sunday? I feel like it starts on a Sunday.
SARAH: That would make sense.
KAYLA: Either…
SARAH: Aromantic Awareness Week 20… 2020! February 16th to February 27th. 22nd, sorry. I can't read. So, it's actually… it's the following week.
KAYLA: When is Valentine's Day?
SARAH: It's on a Friday.
KAYLA: So, it's on this Friday that's happening after this pod comes out?
SARAH: Valentine's Day is happening on the Friday after this pod comes out. Aromantic Awareness Week starts the following Sunday.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: Well, because Valentine's Day is this week, as you're listening, and then Aromantic Awareness Week is following that, we know that people who are aromantic or just don't have a romantic partner or just don't give a shit are like, this is, I don't care, this is not for me, this holiday makes me sad or feel left out. And so today we will be bringing you a way to protest this holiday with a list of activities and things to do that are decidedly unromantic.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: I want to start by looking up the definition of romantic.
SARAH: All right. I think these things are going to run the gambit. It's going to be fun.
KAYLA: This is another class…
SARAH: Gambit?
KAYLA: Oh, I… childish gambit… gambitino?
SARAH: Gambino?
KAYLA: Gambino? Uh, this is another classic, you know, what to do to not be aphobic.
SARAH: Listen, we had two very serious episodes back-to-back, so we're going full silly.
KAYLA: It was too much. Okay, romantic as a noun. Oh, this is stupid. Or was it… I should be looking up the adjective.
SARAH: Is it like of or relating to romance?
KAYLA: It's just very dumb. But yes. Relating to love or to sexual relationships, a person readily demonstrating feelings of love, conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.
SARAH: It's implied that it's romantic love.
KAYLA: Yes, so…
SARAH: Because it's the word romantic.
KAYLA: Yes, so none of these things can be conducive to romantic love.
SARAH: The things that we're saying?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And listen.
SARAH: I'm listening.
KAYLA: They say like, oh, if you love someone, like anything you do can be a date. And I think that's true to a certain extent, but not these things on my list.
SARAH: All right. Yeah, we've had a bit of a role reversal where Kayla has a bunch written down and I have exactly one written down.
KAYLA: Yeah, Sarah was like, what are we doing? And I gave her many ideas for episodes and then I decided, but this is the one I want because I already have ideas.
SARAH: Well, then last night I sent you so many thoughts. Old school Sounds Fake style of you not understanding something.
KAYLA: So that will be an episode to come.
SARAH: That's probably upcoming.
KAYLA: Yes. Surprise. Surprises to come. I also asked people, some friends at work for their ideas. So, some of these are from them.
SARAH: Okay. You go first.
KAYLA: Hot dog eating contest.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: That is disgusting.
SARAH: I think some people could make that into a sexual thing.
KAYLA: Okay. Have you ever watched someone do and I know… I knew this was going to be an argument. Have you ever seen someone do a hot dog eating contest?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: They dunk it in the water. They do that weird thing with their neck where they're like, you can't see me. But if they like, you know how they like jerk their head weird?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: To get it. That's nothing.
SARAH: Yeah, I do. Yeah. No, I mean, I think the most unromantic aspect of a hot dog eating contest is how incredibly sick you'll feel afterwards.
KAYLA: There's no food eating contest that can be made romantic. Any food in large amounts, gross.
SARAH: Gross.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah. I mean, some might make you feel less sick than others. Like if you have a carrot eating contest, you may not feel like you're going to puke as much as if…
KAYLA: I would too
SARAH: You had like an elephant ear eating contest.
KAYLA: I think…
SARAH: Elephant ear like the fried food, not the ear of an elephant.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: Like carnival food.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: You know.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Okay, yeah, I mean, I think some people would try to make it sexual.
KAYLA: They're wrong.
SARAH: But I think if you're going straight up just for speed and volume.
KAYLA: No, I'm saying like a real hot dog eating contest where these people are trying to win. And not like, ooh, watch me eat this meat that is ambiguous and probably from a rat. So sexy.
SARAH: Sexy.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah, no, I agree. I think if you're like genuinely going for the hot dog eating contest, then yeah…
KAYLA: Foul.
SARAH: That's probably not ideal for a romantic getaway.
KAYLA: Yes. No.
SARAH: Okay, well, I'm going to give you the one that I came up with.
KAYLA: Perfect.
SARAH: So, like, sex gives you endorphins or whatever, right?
KAYLA: Uh, probably.
SARAH: So maybe you want to get some endorphins this Valentine's Day, but you, you know, you want to do it in an unromantic way. My solution is to run a marathon, okay?
KAYLA: Oh my god, wait! I have run a 5k on mine.
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SARAH: Oh my god, how exciting. Well, I think a marathon is better and more unromantic because, like, yeah, you'll get the endorphins, but there's also a chance that you'll shit yourself.
KAYLA: Oh okay. Please go on.
SARAH: Which I would argue is unromantic. Well, because, like, what? It's like two hours in, people always have to poop.
KAYLA: Yeah, because running moves that poo around.
SARAH: Yeah, so I say specifically marathon.
KAYLA: Well, that makes sense.
SARAH: Um, you'll get the endorphins you're after, but you might shit yourself and that's really unromantic.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair. That makes me think of another one.
SARAH: Okay, to the next one.
KAYLA: It's giving birth is what I just thought of because sometimes you shit while you're giving birth.
SARAH: That's true. I do think some people might argue that if you are giving birth or your partner is giving birth, it's a bonding moment for the two of you because then you have a baby.
KAYLA: Okay, yes, but I'm talking like in the moment.
SARAH: Just like the act of giving birth.
KAYLA: While in the middle of giving birth, I can guarantee you no woman on earth is like, aw.
SARAH: Let me put my rose-colored glasses on as I'm popping this child out of my vag.
KAYLA: I think that time is right after the child is there where you're holding your baby and like, oh, look at our thing we made. That can be romantic.
SARAH: Look at the squishy face that doesn't look like anything.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think that's... but I’m talking like right in the middle while you're shitting while you're giving birth.
SARAH: Like, screaming. Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah, okay, I'll give you that.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Um, fuck, now I have to start thinking of them. I would say an unromantic thing to do is to just like spend a bunch of time at a gas station filling various cars with gas.
KAYLA: Like, when that used to be someone's job?
SARAH: Yeah, it is still in some states.
KAYLA: Ew.
SARAH: Yeah, me and our friend Miranda, when we were driving to New York City one time, stopped for gas at this random gas station in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, and it was, like, not self-serve. Like, there was a person who did it, and that was it
KAYLA: I don't like that.
SARAH: And I was like I feel uncomfortable and I don't know what to do.
KAYLA: I don't like it.
SARAH: Anyway, um, I think just, like, if you're just, like, putting gasoline in lots of different cars.
KAYLA: Stinky.
SARAH: Gasoline is very flammable. I don't mind the smell of gasoline, but like, it's...
KAYLA: I don't mind it for short term, but I think if I did that for several hours, I'd be over it.
SARAH: That's fair. Yeah, I just think that feels a bit unromantic to me.
KAYLA: That's fair. Um, my next one is getting a colonoscopy.
SARAH: Oh, yeah, very unromantic.
KAYLA: Yeah. That's gross.
SARAH: Because, well, I mean, from people... What I've heard from people who've had colonoscopies is the colonoscopy itself is the easiest part. Because you're just, you know, out. But the preparation leading up to it is horrible.
KAYLA: Yeah, I can't... I don't want one.
SARAH: My dad had to get a colonoscopy recently. You're welcome, Dad, for telling this story on the podcast.
KAYLA: Oh!
SARAH: And he got a colonoscopy in the morning and then that afternoon sold a house.
KAYLA: What the fuck?
SARAH: And we were like, Dad, why did you schedule these two things on the same day?
KAYLA: You should have just stayed home.
SARAH: And then he was almost late to the signing and it was like, Dad.
KAYLA: SMH.
SARAH: SMH. Anyway. Yeah, that's fair. I think also unromantic would be taking a razor and some erasers and just slowly shaving the eraser into bits. That seems pretty unromantic to me. It seems very tedious.
KAYLA: Like when people do the soap carving but with erasers?
SARAH: I would say it's less like carving, more like absolutely tedious, just trying to get tiny little eraser shavings in the tiniest pieces possible.
KAYLA: You don't think that would be in some way satisfying?
SARAH: After you do it for three hours, probably not.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair.
SARAH: And if you're the one doing it, you're not just watching it but you're sitting there with a tiny little thing. It just seems pretty unromantic.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: Even if you are playing some nice Mariah Carey in the background.
KAYLA: Oh, Mariah Carey? That's what's in the background to be romantic?
SARAH: It was what I thought of because Dan Levy has been on the mind a lot recently, I don't know.
KAYLA: Oh boy. My next one is cleaning a pig pen.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: There's poo in there.
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, I would say so.
KAYLA: So that's... and you get all gross?
SARAH: Yeah. Okay. That's... some people might be like, eh, but I personally think too much shit.
KAYLA: And like, you'd both be busy. There's not like you could spend... if you and someone were cleaning it together. But it's busy. You can't like have a nice chat. You're dealing with the pigs and their poo.
SARAH: And there's like squelching noises when you stop them.
KAYLA: Yeah, lots of that.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: What if your boot gets stuck?
SARAH: There's some shit in my boot. Okay, my next one is reading a calculus textbook aloud to a small child.
KAYLA: Oh!
SARAH: Who you're trying to teach calculus but is not equipped to learn it.
KAYLA: Yeah, that sounds torturous.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, the kid is going to be upset. You're going to be upset. You're probably going to be very tired. If it were me, I probably wouldn't really understand the calc textbook because, as we all know, I got a 1 on my AP Calc AB test. But an A- in the class ruled me that.
KAYLA: I did that with stats. I got an A in AP stats and a 2 on the test.
SARAH: See, I thought I was going to get a 2. For those of you who aren't American, AP classes are like college classes that you take in high school, or supposedly college-level classes. At the end of the year, there's an exam that you take that you have to pay to take the exam, and you're scored between a 1 and a 5. 3, 4, 5 is passing, and a 1 and 2 is failing. So, I took the AP Calc test, the AB, which is easier than the BC one, because there's one that was like a full year's worth of college math, and one that was like a semester over a year, and I did the one that was a semester over a year. And I thought I was going to get a 2, like I knew I wasn't going to do well, and then I just overshot and like really failed hard. I found it quite amusing, to be quite frank.
KAYLA: I was mad because I hated my AP Stats teacher because she didn't spend any time in the class because she also owned the coffee shop in town, so I was like, you're not actually caring about teaching. And so, the class was like way too easy, so I got an A in the class, but then she didn't actually teach us anything. So, I got a 2 on the test. I was pissed.
SARAH: Mine was more of a personal problem in that I could memorize stuff for unit tests and chapter tests and stuff, but when asked to apply it, especially with story problems and stuff, I just couldn't do it.
KAYLA: Did I tell you the other day at work we took, like, we did practice SAT and ACT questions?
SARAH: Ew.
KAYLA: I'm not good at math. That's my next thing. Was it my turn?
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: Taking the SAT or ACT.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Or, even less romantic, the MCAT. Do you know how long the sittings are for an MCAT?
SARAH: I don't.
KAYLA: It's like eight hours.
SARAH: Whoa.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know what I would argue is also not romantic? Taking MEAP tests, which are the state…
KAYLA: Oh, I loved the MEAP.
SARAH: The state mandated exams in Michigan that you start taking in third grade.
KAYLA: The principal of my elementary school got in trouble. This was years after I left, but she got in trouble because she opened the MEAP test packets and, like, looked at the questions.
SARAH: Oh. Yeah
KAYLA: I liked the MEAP.
SARAH: I didn't, mostly because standardized testing is just annoying. Second of all, they were often on my birthday.
KAYLA: Oh, that's sad.
SARAH: And previously they had been in February, and previously you didn't have to start them until fourth grade. But they started doing it in third grade when me and Kayla were in third grade. So, me and my sister first started taking MEAPs the same year, because my sister was in fourth grade and I was in third grade. And they used to be in February, which is when my sister's birthday was, and then they changed it to October, which is when my birthday was. So, there's a lot of just like simmering anger.
KAYLA: I liked it because you didn't have to do school that day, and also, they were always like very adamant about like this isn't a test of your knowledge, it's a test of like how well your teachers are doing. So, I was like, oh, fuck it, I don't care how I do.
SARAH: I don't know that that was emphasized for me.
KAYLA: Oh, they always said that to us.
SARAH: I was talking to our friend Erin recently and she was like, I loved the MEAPs because I got to eat snacks in class.
KAYLA: That's also true. You did get to have snacks in class.
[00:20:00]
SARAH: I'm glad I've discussed the MEAPs with two different people in the past week.
KAYLA: Um, yeah, I have… the MEAP truly was not in my brain. I forgot it existed. I'm glad you reminded me. I'm going to name my next cat MEAP.
SARAH: MEAP. M-E-A-P.
KAYLA: It's like kind of a good cat name.
SARAH: It is. It reminds me of the one Muppet who just goes, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP
KAYLA: Yes, I agree.
SARAH: Okay, the next one is just, I think, working. Oh, here's a good one, work like a food service job, but like at a… Wow, where is my voice going? Hello?
KAYLA: She gone.
SARAH: But at a fast-food restaurant or a place where there probably aren't going to be very many romantic dates. So, you're just dealing with the people who are like, maybe they're sad that they don't have a date and they're just going to McDonald's and getting a McFlurry. And they might be a little crabbier than usual.
KAYLA: So, it's like the opposite of working at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Because I feel like that's the best time to work at a Chinese restaurant.
SARAH: Maybe.
KAYLA: Because then you just have people who are like, I'm having a good time, it's Christmas, I didn't want to cook so I came here. Or you have a bunch of fun Jewish people.
SARAH: That's fair.
KAYLA: Here is my next one. I think this could be controversial.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: But I think an unromantic thing is if you were to build IKEA furniture with someone.
SARAH: Oh God.
KAYLA: And listen, I said this to my friend at work and she' was like, oh but it's like so bonding, blah blah blah. No.
SARAH: It's bonding, it's not romantic.
KAYLA: It might be bonding, yes.
SARAH: Or it might tear you apart.
KAYLA: Well, okay, I have heard multiple people say that going to IKEA with your significant other is like a test of your relationship.
SARAH: Oh yeah.
KAYLA: Because it's so many people, there are so many things, it's so big, so loud, so many.
SARAH: It's stupidly exhausting.
KAYLA: It's exhausting, it's like a whole day trip.
SARAH: You have to make style decisions that you agree on.
KAYLA: And then, I mean, you do get to have the meatballs, that's the one good thing. But like, at what cost?
SARAH: I don't like meatballs.
KAYLA: You don't like meatballs?
SARAH: What are in meatballs?
KAYLA: Meat? It's beef.
SARAH: Yeah, that's why. I don't eat beef except for hot dogs and that's just trash beef.
KAYLA: That's not beef.
SARAH: It's sometimes beef.
KAYLA: Um, anyway. So, I think unromantic would be doing the IKEA thing. And I think, okay listen, IKEA could be romantic if you're not actually going to IKEA to shop. You're just going to look at things.
SARAH: Dream.
KAYLA: You're just going to work on your vision board and to go to their really cheap food court. That's romantic. That's like a Costco date.
SARAH: Oh yeah
KAYLA: What is not romantic is going, having to spend all that money, and then go home and put it all together. And then you're sweaty and you're fighting because you can't find the screw thing or the...
SARAH: And the instructions don't make sense.
KAYLA: And that's not romantic. You're probably not going to end up fighting. It's going to take so long.
SARAH: The last time I had to build IKEA furniture was I bought my nightstand after my parents had left and I was just alone in California.
KAYLA: Oof.
SARAH: And I had to FaceTime my mom for the entire time because I'm very, very bad at following instructions to put something together. Like that's maybe my worst skill.
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: And my mom loves that kind of thing. She's like, it's like a logic puzzle and I'm getting that shit out of my face.
KAYLA: No, it’s not
SARAH: And also, she had put together my dresser and my bookshelf before and it was the same style so she sort of knew what was going on. It still took so long. I still wanted to kill myself about every minute. But I have a nightstand now.
KAYLA: Recently, not even recently, and it wasn't IKEA, but my parents ordered my cat like a little cat tree. And it comes unassembled because they get kind of big. And so, I had to put the whole thing together and everything had letters on it, but then you had to find it and screw everything in. Terrible. It took me hours.
SARAH: Putting my bed together was not that bad because there were pretty clear instructions. Everything was numbered and you had to just make sure all the numbers were together. And there were pictures that made it very clear. IKEA, less so.
KAYLA: Bad. Unromantic.
SARAH: Unromantic. I would say that a very unromantic thing would be to have a hula-hooping contest, but that is required to go on an hour too long. And also, everyone has to wear snow pants.
KAYLA: Oh yeah, that's bad.
SARAH: Yeah, it would make it very hard. Also, it's a requirement that once everyone wants to quit, you need to go for another hour. And any remotely sexiness that you could try and get out of that is really, you know, you're wearing snow pants, so.
KAYLA: I mean, yeah, I think a hula hoop contest for like just a regular length one, I think that could be fun and flirty. But anything you put like a time requirement on, it just immediately loses it.
SARAH: Yeah. Can I tell you something? I thought of another one right before I said that.
KAYLA: If you want to.
SARAH: But then I was like, no, but then I was like, no, I'll say the one that I wrote down. And in the meantime, I forgot what the other one was.
KAYLA: Oh boy.
SARAH: So, you can go.
KAYLA: Oh, okay. What was my next one? My next one is possibly behind the hot dog eating contest. I think this is the least romantic and that is going to the DMV/Secretary of State.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I think this is one that people, so if you're not in the United States, this is the place you have to go to like get your driver's license or like your… To register your car. Or like your passport thing or whatever. You can do your passport at the post office. Oh, no, take that one out. But it's always… the lines are always insanely long and like they do it well now where you can like sign up for a time online so you don't have to just like show up and not know when you'll be seen.
SARAH: Well, the problem is if you sign up for a time online, usually they don't have an appointment available for like several months.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's a mess. And you always have to just wait forever and everyone is rude and the fluorescent lights are just there.
SARAH: I've spent a lot of time recently because I had to go to the Secretary of State in Michigan to transfer the title of my car to my name. And so, me and my dad were there for a really long time. And then I had to go to the DMV here in California and I was there for about four hours to register my car and get my ID. So, it was horrible.
KAYLA: Yeah. And I think this could be one where people could make the argument like, oh, but if you're together then you could make it fun or like a date or romantic. No. No.
SARAH: No. There's always going to be something that goes wrong. Like some piece of information that you're missing.
KAYLA: Yeah, and it always is like you end up waiting for hours and then you end up not being able to do whatever it was you went there for because of one stupid thing that makes no sense.
SARAH: Yeah, that's the reason I don't have a real ID.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Or like there's a child screaming next to you.
KAYLA: Or like a creepy man.
SARAH: Yeah. I remembered what my other thing I thought about was.
KAYLA: Oh good.
SARAH: So, I think a very unromantic thing, you will to think ahead on this one, so that on either the morning of February of 14th or February 13th you both get really really bad sunburns, like very very bad sunburns and some people might be like, oh but then you can like put aloe on them and that’s like sexy or whatever
KAYLA: No
SARAH: No, I’m talking about like, really awful, if you touch it you die, like it’s going to peel, you skin is going to be rough, you can’t sit on it because it hurts so bad, I’m talking about just like shared sunburn hell.
KAYLA: I had a friend who one time got a sunburn so bad that he like, almost passed out and like…
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: It was like, there's a thing you can do where you put like, too much aloe on and it like, extra dries it out somehow. I don't know.
SARAH: How interesting.
KAYLA: And so, he like, thought he was going to pass out and die. He ended up like, falling on the bathroom floor and like, laid there for several hours because no one else was home and like, had to like, bite the rug because he was in so much pain.
SARAH: Oh no
KAYLA: So, like, that kind of sunburn. It's okay, it's my ex.
SARAH: Yeah, no, I recognize that not all of our listeners are going to have the same sunburn experiences as someone like me, who's the palest fucking person on the planet.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
[00:30:00]
SARAH: And I… you know, I burn when it's cloudy out, I burn in the dead of winter. Anything is possible.
KAYLA: Okay winter you can get worse burns though because the sun reflects, or the snow reflects the sun.
SARAH: Oh yeah, but I, when I first got to California, I was outside of an IKEA and I was like, I can feel my face burning right now.
KAYLA: First mistake
SARAH: It's January and I can feel my face burning.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: So, classic. Yeah, just, I want you to know that a really bad sunburn fucking sucks. So, keep that in mind.
KAYLA: I will keep that in mind.
SARAH: What's the next unromantic thing?
KAYLA: My next one is getting a tattoo of Sarah's face on your face.
SARAH: I think that's very romantic.
KAYLA: You said in the tweet that it was very platonic, so which is it?
SARAH: I mean, it's not necessarily romantic between me and you, right? It could be a romantic date for you and someone else where you're like…
KAYLA: What
SARAH: Holding hands because you're in a lot of pain while you're getting my face tattooed onto your face.
KAYLA: Okay, so walk me through this one. You think that me and Dean would go on a date where I get a tattoo of your face but it's also romantic?
SARAH: Well, it's romantic for you and Dean, not for you.
KAYLA: Why? No, but yeah, no, I know what you're saying. What?
SARAH: You're holding hands because you're in so much pain from being tattooed.
KAYLA: Just because someone is holding hands does not mean it's romantic. Is that what you think?
SARAH: I'm saying it could be.
KAYLA: Oh, they're holding hands. Must be romantic.
SARAH: Holding hands because she's in so much pain because she's getting tattooed upon her face.
KAYLA: Does that mean, okay, when I got my first tattoo, I probably held my friend who went with me. I probably held her hand. Does that mean it was romantic for us?
SARAH: Not necessarily. It depends on your relationship.
KAYLA: I just don't think you understand.
SARAH: What, are you saying that me, an aromantic person, doesn't fully understand the complexities of romance?
KAYLA: You know, it's crazy, but I might be saying that, yeah.
SARAH: Interesting. Okay, well, wow. Oh, you know what is really romantic? Is dealing with the aftermath of Wisdom Tooth removal. And I'm not talking, like, right after the person got out, maybe they're feeling a little loopy and might be saying some spicy stuff. Or like saying things they wouldn't normally say. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about no longer loopy, no longer on any anesthetic. Their lips and their mouth isn't numb anymore, so they're just in a lot of pain. And they have to gargle salt water.
KAYLA: Oh my god, the worst.
SARAH: Oh, so you would think it's not that bad, but it really is. And I think that experience is very romantic.
KAYLA: You mean unromantic?
SARAH: Oh no, I think it's very romantic. As we've established, I have a very good grasp on romance.
KAYLA: I think, yeah, when I had my wisdom teeth out and my sister strapped frozen peas to my face, I did feel that we were having a romantic moment. And I got scared because of incest, because of how romantic I felt.
SARAH: Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
KAYLA: Did I tell you I've started watching Game of Thrones?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Do you know how much incest there is in there?
SARAH: A lot.
KAYLA: Oh my god, duh. Yeah. That's all.
SARAH: Yeah. I would like to say on the record, though, that when I get off of anesthesia, historically, knock on wood, I am completely uninteresting and I'm not loopy at all.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't think I said anything good when I got my wisdom teeth out, which was boring.
SARAH: Yeah. Boring. But also, like, good, because I don't want to know what I would say.
KAYLA: I want to know what I would say.
SARAH: Well, I would...yeah, no, I don't want to know.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: I want to know what you would say, but not what I would say.
KAYLA: What do you think I would say?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: That's not fun.
SARAH: I just am curious, but I feel like for me, I would just say things. I would either just be, like, very weird, which is, like, on brand for me, or I would say things that would, like, embarrass me. I can handle the weirdness. I can't handle me having human emotions.
KAYLA: I think you would say weird things, because when you get sleep deprived or sugar high, and I'm assuming if you were to get drunk this would happen, you would just say weird shit.
SARAH: I do say fucking weird shit. I had a friend message me recently, and they were, like, asking me if I could do something, but, uh, at the end they were like, I'm sorry for the... I'm in a very weird mood right now, and I've used some very strange language in these texts, and it's, like, it's not a person that, like, I know, like, super, super well, but I was like, you know what? Don't apologize, because anyone who doesn't say really fucking weird stuff sometimes is probably secretly a robot.
KAYLA: Probably.
SARAH: I say weird fucking stuff all the time.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And y'all on this podcast hear some of it, but there's some weird stuff that I wouldn't even say on the podcast.
KAYLA: There's some stuff that's just...
SARAH: I'll just, like, text Kayla in the middle of the night.
KAYLA: Even wilder.
SARAH: So... Who just went?
KAYLA: Uh... I don't remember.
SARAH: Me, I went.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: It's your turn.
KAYLA: Another unromantic thing is that having to put your laundry through the dryer three times because you overstuffed the washer and so it didn't spin out all the water and your clothes were really really really wet and one dryer cycle didn't do it and neither did two. And honestly neither did three, but you were sick of using all your quarters, you had to take it out, you just kind of laid it on your bed and your clothes were still damp, even the sweater you put on this morning you just kind of had to deal with it. That's pretty unromantic.
SARAH: Had to go like old school and like air dry like they did in the olden days slash they do in Europe.
KAYLA: Yeah, but this definitely isn't a personal experience and I definitely don't have jeans laying out on my coffee table right now.
SARAH: Oh, not at all. I would never expect that.
KAYLA: No, that's... I didn't. Because it's so unromantic that I would never.
SARAH: Yeah, I think the next really unromantic thing to do is to be doing a lot of in-depth research about a really depressing topic.
KAYLA: Like what?
SARAH: Like the Holocaust or the Armenian Genocide or the Trail of Tears. You know, just something that involves a lot of like death that just innocent people dying. I think that's very unromantic activity to do.
KAYLA: Yeah, that doesn't sound joyful.
SARAH: No, not at all.
KAYLA: My next one is to, if you're lactose intolerant, eat dairy.
SARAH: Eat a lot of it
KAYLA: And maybe that's romantic in the moment, but I'm talking about the after part and how unromantic that is.
SARAH: There's actually a joke kind of about that in Schitt's Creek.
KAYLA: Of course, there is.
SARAH: Season four.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: You know part of the reason I was saying the wisdom tooth thing? In last night's episode of Schitt's Creek?
KAYLA: Oh my God, you're so obnoxious.
SARAH: Anyways. Is it my turn?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: I think another unromantic thing to do would be to take glow sticks. And break them open. And squirt the stuff that's on the inside into each other's eyes.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: I think I've actually mentioned this on the pod before. I had a friend once who accidentally got glow stick in her eye. And not only did it make her vision blue.
KAYLA: How fun!
SARAH: It hurt a lot. And I just think that's very unromantic.
KAYLA: What if they're like into that sort of thing though?
SARAH: I think it's a little bit too much pain. I would think. It's distracting, you know?
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: It would be distracting. And also, everything you see is just blue or orange.
KAYLA: So, you couldn't even be like, oh pain, sexy. You'd be like, oh pain. And also, more pain.
SARAH: I need to flush out my eyes.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: My next one is picking a scab.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And like, listen, I love picking scabs. I don't know if I've talked about this, but I love especially a scab that's on your head. Those are very satisfying. Me and Astritha, who has been on, who is a pod friend and friend friend.
SARAH: Friend of the pod.
KAYLA: Whatever. We talk about head scab picking a lot. And even though I like it…
SARAH: A lot? Like how much is a lot?
KAYLA: Kind of a lot. Like too much. Most people would probably think. Sometimes I pick a head scab…
SARAH: Do you just inform each other every time you do that?
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Yeah, one time I just texted her, I picked a good one, I just texted her head scab and she said, is that my nickname now? And I said, no, I'm just telling you.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: About my activities. Anyway, even though I love them very much, I don't think it's romantic.
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, no, I probably agree. I think another unromantic thing to do would be to have a boxing match or like a UFC fight with this person where you're genuinely trying to beat them up and break their arm. I think that some people might be like, oh, this is sexy because we're being like, hmm. But I'm talking like you're trying to break them. I mean, legitimately, you're going to break their arm off of their body and chuck it into the audience.
KAYLA: That's gross.
SARAH: Yeah, it's not romantic.
KAYLA: I guess not.
SARAH: How many more do we want to do?
KAYLA: I don't know. I mean, I have a couple more, but they're not good.
SARAH: It… just hit me with them, a quick fire.
KAYLA: Okay, here we go. Mow the lawn.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Clean the shower.
SARAH: Okay, but mowing the lawn, you know that skit on SNL where the suburban mom keeps fucking Pete Davidson, the teenage pool boy?
KAYLA: Okay, yeah.
SARAH: But he's like super stupid. And then at the end Nick Jonas comes out and he's like shirtless mowing the lawn and she's like, ooh.
KAYLA: Yeah, okay, it might be sexy to watch someone mow the lawn, but being the person mowing the lawn is not fun.
SARAH: Yeah, especially if it's like, we're not talking a riding lawn mower, we're talking about a push mower.
KAYLA: No, a push lawn mower in a big yard with lots of grass. Not romantic.
SARAH: And lots of like weird corners and trees to go around.
KAYLA: Yeah, too much work and it's really hot out. So, it's just… you're sweaty and tired.
SARAH: Very hot. And it's not a dry heat. It's a humid heat.
KAYLA: Oh, it's a very humid heat.
SARAH: Okay, continue.
KAYLA: Okay, my next one is eat too much MSG. And this one does have an explanation. Do you know what MSG is?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay, if you don't, it's this like chemical that places mostly Chinese food, puts in food to like make it taste better. But most restaurants don't use it because some people have really bad reactions to it. For example, I have a friend who just ate at Chick-fil-A. They're one of the only fast-food places that still uses it and they use it in everything and she ate it and then she got so sick. Don't do that. Not romantic.
SARAH: Oh, wow. Yeah, I know a lot of the pushback against MSG is kind of just based in racism because they're like, well, the Chinese use it. But yeah, if you really can't have MSG, I think that'd be very, very...
KAYLA: Yeah, some people are actually like MSG intolerant, I guess.
SARAH: I know someone who's allergic to latex.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's why they make non-latex condoms.
SARAH: I know, but I just thought of it.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: I did gymnastics with her and we, you know, like Thera Bands, like those stretchy bands that are stretchy?
KAYLA: Oh, yeah.
SARAH: We used to have them where there would be like… you would stick your foot in one side and stick your other foot in the other side and you would do like, split jumps or straddle jumps or like you would, you know.
KAYLA: Stretch.
SARAH: But she couldn't ever do that, so she always just had to do it with ankle weights on.
KAYLA: Ew, gross.
SARAH: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: My last two are read the dictionary and change your tires.
SARAH: Okay. I like the smell of rubber. Not in a sexual way. I wanted to clarify that because...
KAYLA: I don't think, Sarah, I got to be honest, I don't think anyone listening thought you meant it that way. And the fact that you had to clarify does make me wonder.
SARAH: You got to cover your face.
KAYLA: It feels like you're trying to cover something up. I've got to be honest.
SARAH: No, just because we're talking about, we're talking about things that people might view as like romantic and we're shooting it down and I was like, no, I just think the smell is rough.
KAYLA: Sarah, I don't know. I just think it's suspicious that you would bring that up. I just, I'm sorry. It's just a little sketchy.
SARAH: You know when you like go rock climbing indoors and there's like all those little rubber bits on the ground?
KAYLA: Uh, yeah, sometimes playgrounds are also made of that.
SARAH: Yeah, they smell really nice. Or like if you go to like a bike store or like a store that sells bikes and you find the bikes and you just smell all the tires.
KAYLA: Yeah, but I'm talking about like changing the tire.
SARAH: I know, I just, it made me think about the smell of rubber.
KAYLA: Also filling an air with, filling an air with tire… filling a tire with air. I had to do that recently. It's not fun because I don't really know how to do it properly and I always get scared that like some man in the like gas station is going to be like, hey little girl, I'll help you because I'm a man and I'm like, no, I know I can't do it, but stop, go away.
SARAH: Yeah, no, my dad has always done it for me because that's how he shows his love. But the problem is that now I've never really done it fully by myself. Like he has tried to make me do stuff by myself before but he's always like standing there and I'm like, wait, what am I doing? And then he's just like, fine, I'll do it.
KAYLA: Yeah, I've only done it twice and it's always a mess.
SARAH: Well, my dad filled my tires with air and my spare tire with air before I left for California, so I should be good for a little bit.
KAYLA: Oh, that’s good. Plus, it doesn't get cold there, so you don't have to worry about that.
SARAH: Yes. Okay, I'm going to say one more and it's going to come to me any moment now.
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: A super unromantic thing is the only thing that came to my mind. It's just swimming.
KAYLA: Just swimming?
SARAH: The concept of swimming, which I recognize is horrible.
KAYLA: I mean, that really… I'm sorry, Sarah, it could be romantic.
SARAH: I know, that's the problem. It's the only thing I could think of.
KAYLA: Oh, man, you, yeah, no.
SARAH: I mean, I think for me, swimming would never be romantic.
KAYLA: Because you don't like it.
SARAH: Would anything ever be romantic?
KAYLA: For you?
SARAH: For me?
KAYLA: No, I don't think so. I think that's the whole point of it.
SARAH: That's the whole point of being aro.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Oh, man. Well, I'm just going to end it there.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Um, which is the best unromantic activity to do to protest Valentine's Day?
SARAH: Marathon and shit.
KAYLA: Hold on, let me type. Run a marathon and shit.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: It's like Netflix and chill, but marathon and shit.
KAYLA: Stop it. Uh, what else? Hot dog eating contest.
SARAH: Yeah, I want to know people's thoughts on where the line is between potentially sexy and just straight up unromantic.
KAYLA: It’s not. I disagree.
SARAH: You disagree with me wanting to know what people think.
KAYLA: I disagree that it's romantic. I'm just very passionate about that it's not.
SARAH: Well, I'm just saying there's a certain point where there's, on the spectrum of hot dog eating contests, okay, there's like on one end is like genuine hot dog eating contest like world record like you take it very seriously and then there's like a casual just like friends being like hey who could eat the most hotdogs?
KAYLA: No, that's not the one I'm talking about.
SARAH: I know but I'm saying I would be curious to what people think the boundary is.
KAYLA: Yeah, but I don't even…
SARAH: When it's impossible for it to be sexy anymore.
KAYLA: I don't even think that a friend casual like who can eat the most whatever is good because someone is going to end up eating way more than they should and feeling gross and then you're going to have to watch them eat it in like…
SARAH: In mayhap puking.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay, I also put down face tattoo.
SARAH: Okay. Uh, we have one more, right?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Calc textbook… teaching calc to child.
KAYLA: Teaching calc to a child. Okay, that's the poll.
SARAH: Incredible. Kayla, what is your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: My juice is that I finally started watching Game of Thrones after many moons of protesting and despite there being lots of incest, too much sex. Just simply too much. A lot of, it's very up-close gore. Gore doesn't really bother me, but it's like profuse. Other than all that, it's a very good show. Are you singing it right now? we're going to get copyrighted.
SARAH: Oh fuck. Got to stop.
KAYLA: So that's my juice. It's a good show. My beef is that over the weekend I ran, I mostly jogged and walked a 5k. And it was good and it was for a good cause. It was for a company called Iris here in New Haven that helps refugees and immigrants.
SARAH: That's very good.
KAYLA: Yeah, and it was really cool. There was a lot of like… beforehand there was some motivational speaking about like fuck Trump, yay refugees.
[00:50:00]
SARAH: You saw a dog.
KAYLA: I saw a very fun dog. It was just laying in a wagon and I think someone just pulled it the whole way. I didn't ever see it again. I also, the whole time, me and my friend were going very slow and we were basically racing this man in a wheelchair who was just like wheeling the race and it was like awesome that he was doing that. Yeah, but it was embarrassing for us.
SARAH: I mean, he's got wheels though. And I mean, if he's wheeling himself around constantly, like he's probably got some pretty beefy arms.
KAYLA: Yeah, but he like wasn't wheeling that. You don't understand. He wasn't wheeling that fast. We should have been better at beating him.
SARAH: It was a very slow wheel.
KAYLA: We should have been better. Anyway, it was really fun and cool, but I'm very out of shape. And also, I guess I run wrong because when I run, it hurts my neck and my shoulders, which my neck and shoulders already have health issues. But my neck is stiff since Sunday.
SARAH: I would mostly be concerned about the arches of your feet because of the way you walk.
KAYLA: The way I walk? Oh, because I have flat feet? Well, I have inserts in my shoes.
SARAH: Yeah, because you roll in a little. I guess if you have inserts, then that's not a problem.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, I have very flat feet, so my knees knock and my feet turn inwards. It's very weird. If you look at me walking, you will get concerned. I've had people be like, are you okay?
SARAH: You have a recognizable walk.
KAYLA: Yeah, because I look wild.
SARAH: Eh, it's just recognizable.
KAYLA: What does that mean?
SARAH: The more you know, listeners.
KAYLA: What does that mean?
SARAH: It just means that like, if I were just like walking around town, and you were at a very far distance from me, I might be able to be like, oh, that's Kayla. She's very far away.
KAYLA: Yeah, but you know what I look like.
SARAH: Listen, just go with it.
KAYLA: Okay, anyway, my neck has been stiff since Sunday and like, it shouldn't be, that's not, you shouldn't run and then your neck is the most sore part of your body.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: That's… something is wrong.
SARAH: I agree
KAYLA: So that's my beef, I guess.
SARAH: Um, okay, well my beef, okay, I had a big rant about the Iowa caucuses written down that I deleted because it was riling me up a lot and it was not good for my health.
KAYLA: I did get some texts about it.
SARAH: Yeah, and then last night I wrote another rant that was tangentially related but less involved necessarily with the Iowa caucus but it was still about the Iowa caucus. But then I deleted that because it was just still not good for my health. So… so I'm not doing beef this week. My juice is the Good Place series finale. It was astounding, it was very good. I cried so much. Um, highly recommend.
KAYLA: So, I've only watched a few episodes of Good Place here and there, especially like when we were living together, but I haven't really watched it. But I really want to know what happens in the end. Can I just look it up or is that bad?
SARAH: Um, I mean if you really want to know, if you don't think you're going to watch the show, I can tell you after we stop recording.
KAYLA: I mean I might watch it but I also would like to know now.
SARAH: To be fair, there's a major spoiler at the end of season one that I already knew going into watching season one.
KAYLA: I think, oh yeah, I think I'm fine. Like, even if I do watch it eventually, I think I'll still enjoy it even if I know it ends.
SARAH: And you'll probably still cry at the finale.
KAYLA: Yeah, I cry at everything.
SARAH: Man, I cried a lot. And then I listened to the Good Place podcast. They actually had two episodes about it because they went on for so long. And it was just lovely.
KAYLA: It’s good
SARAH: Um, and also at the end, of the Good Place podcast, Mark Evan Jackson, the host, always ends it by saying, go do something good. And I think that's just a good thing.
KAYLA: It is good
SARAH: Like every time I listen to that podcast, Mark Evan Jackson is like, go do something good. And I was like, I will. Also, this is a huge 180. My other juice is the… I find the phrase to dick a person down extremely funny.
KAYLA: Really?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Do you know what it means?
SARAH: I have a general idea. Don't, don't, don't give me more information.
KAYLA: It's just sex, Sarah.
SARAH: Oh, I know, I know that. It was in, it was in Red, White and Royal Blue and I laughed at it. And I saw it again today and it just makes me laugh. I just think it's a very funny way to refer to sex.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And I just thought of it right before I was… I got an email from this random company that I once bought a shirt from today and they were like, they…
KAYLA: Did they tell you to dick someone down?
SARAH: No, they were like selling something that was related to Valentine's Day and in the description, it included the phrase to dick a person down. And I was like, I'm just laughing at this.
KAYLA: That's… this is not something I would have thought for you.
SARAH: Me neither. Also, I clicked on the product and I never figured out what it was, but honestly, I'm okay not knowing.
KAYLA: What do you, what do you mean you don't know what it was?
SARAH: Don't worry about it.
KAYLA: Oh, it was a sex thing?
SARAH: I don't know!
KAYLA: Now I need to know, send it to me.
SARAH: Anyway…
KAYLA: You have to send it to me or it's treason.
SARAH: Okay, well I can't send it to you via… what if I just gave you the URL like one…
KAYLA: Oh my god, do it
SARAH: Okay. Um, anyway, that's the tea. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your thoughts on the phrase to dick someone down on our social media @SoundsFakePod. We also have a Patreon, Sounds… nope. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fierro, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Tim Collins… nope. Emily Collins, Tim. Emily Collins and Tim, separate people. BookMarvel, ChangelingMX, Derek and Karissa, Simona Simon, Jamie Jack, and Drew Yangy. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @Dirtyunclekevin, @Tessa_M_K, Arcness who would like to promote The Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, Anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote podcasts from a Planet Weird, and my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher's Haven. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sarah Jones who is @Eternallolli Everywhere, Dragonfly, and did Dia tell us what to promote?
KAYLA: Yes, I do have Dia's.
SARAH: Hit me with it.
KAYLA: Dia would like to promote the podcast Love and Luck Podcast, which I haven't listened to. I've seen a lot about it, but I think it's… so it's a queer podcast, I think it's like fiction, but there's two different ace characters and all of like all of the episodes are out so you can like listen to the whole thing, the whole story, but Dia said it was a good wholesome show.
SARAH: That's lovely. And Dragonfly is going to promote an extended chain of snail mail letters that you send to and from your sister then pretend as if it's 1849.
KAYLA: Oh, did you get another one?
SARAH: I did, I got a postcard just today.
KAYLA: Oh, that's exciting.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Thanks. Anyway, thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]