Ep 120: Dating in High School???

[00:00:00]

SARAH: Hey what's up hello, welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I'm Sarah that's me

KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl that's me Kayla 

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand. 

KAYLA: On today's episode, dating in high school. 

BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay. 

[Intro Music]

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod. 

KAYLA: Mm um... M’ilkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Fun fact that isn't actually the one I wrote down last week when I said I had two…

SARAH: Oh my God

KAYLA: And I wanted to remember that one just came to me midweek and I also wrote it down. So. 

SARAH: Ooh boy. Alright.

KAYLA: You're welcome. 

SARAH: Well, this week's episode we've got kind of a classic Sounds Fake episode. 

KAYLA: It's true. 

SARAH: That’s just me, Sarah, not understanding allo people. 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: So, what are we talking about this week, Kayla? 

KAYLA: Well, the other day in the middle of the night, but I didn't see them until the morning time, I got many many texts from Sarah about not understanding why people date in high school and how it's very stupid and she just did not understand. 

SARAH: Yeah. Like, okay, here's the thing. As an aro-ace bitch, okay, it has been brought to my attention. I don't even know where to start. It has been brought to my attention that apparently when most people go through puberty, they feel things like sexual things that take up your brain and you can't control them. Kayla, are you able to confirm or deny any of this? 

KAYLA: I mean, I feel like I had a bit of that, but I don't think I had as much as like an allo person. 

SARAH: Yeah, because you at least have the romantic aspect of it. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I don't really remember much of that. Like a little maybe, but yeah. 

SARAH: Yeah. And I was just like, when I was going through puberty as a young person, I was just kind of blissfully unaware that like that was something that people spent a lot of time on. Like objectively I was like, oh yeah people are dating whatever, but like I didn’t have a grasp on like how much time people spent thinking about this, anyone who is listening who is allo, I am… I would like to know how much it actually affected your life, like being attracted to people, especially when you were going through puberty and you were young and you didn't know how to control yourself. Very curious. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I had... I don't think so. 

SARAH: Follow up thing with that. And this may be like more specific to me than to other people. Aren't you busy in high school? Like, aren't you too busy to date? How do you have time for this? Because, okay, as an aro-ace person, and no offense, but being attracted to people sounds so time consuming. Like, kind of seems like a waste of time. 

KAYLA: It is time-consuming, I can tell you that. 

SARAH: And like a lot of times the result is just getting your heart broken, which seems like a waste of time. And I... Are you going to… do you have something to say to that? 

KAYLA: I just... It's very funny because... I know you don't mean it this way, but you make it seem like a choice. 

SARAH: I know, but it's just... 

KAYLA: It’s just very funny 

SARAH: My brain can't comprehend it. 

KAYLA: No, yeah, I mean, I don't... You know, there's no reason it should have to comprehend it. It's just funny. 

SARAH: And like, when I was in high school, I did so much fucking extracurricular activity that I did not even have time to like hang out with my friends. I know that's not the case for everyone. 

KAYLA: Well... 

SARAH: Well? 

KAYLA: I mean, I can give you my experience as a high schooler. 

SARAH: Give me your experience. 

KAYLA: So, I feel like what I remember from high school, and this just might have been because of who I was friends with, but first of all, it seemed like the people that didn't have as much going on or weren't doing as many activities or didn't take super hard classes, those were the people that were dating more. But also, for the people that were, I don't want to say smarter, but I will. 

SARAH: Maybe in more advanced classes? 

KAYLA: Yeah, just busier. I mean, I think you tended to date people within these things you were doing. Like for me, I dated one person in high school, and he was someone that I did most of my activities with. We were in band together, and we were in theater together. So, it's not like we had to spend all that much outside of school time together, because we were together. There was a time where we saw each other for like a month straight, like every single day, because it was tech week for theater, and there was a bunch of band stuff going on. So, without trying, I literally saw him every day for a month, just because we were very busy, we just happened to be busy together. 

SARAH: I mean, I get that. But also, and I acknowledge that dating in high school is not necessarily the same as dating when you're a fully grown adult. It's less of like, we're going to go on this specific date and more of like, let's just... I don't know. I don't know anything about dating. But it just seems, because in those situations, you're still with other friends. You're not necessarily spending time just with that person. Which seems to me like the whole thing with dating. 

KAYLA: Yeah, but I think a lot of high school dating is that, especially when you're younger and you can't drive anywhere, I think high school dating is a lot of group dates or group outings or just being with a lot of friends. Maybe that's different now, I don't know, or different for other people. But for me, we would go out on dates and stuff, like on the weekends we would go to the movies or go out to eat or something. But like on school nights or anything like that, we would maybe go out, I don't even remember, it's so long ago, I have such a terrible memory. But like we would text a lot, but it's not like I was spending all of that much time with him because I was also super busy. 

SARAH: Okay, a follow up question. 

KAYLA: Mm-hmm 

SARAH: I took a bunch of AP classes

KAYLA: Yes 

SARAH: That shit is time consuming. And a lot of it, like, if I was studying with friends, sometimes that was more distracting than just doing it by myself. 

KAYLA: I never did homework with friends. I don’t think

SARAH: Yeah, I very rarely did. Doing all your homework, listen, when you're in high school, you're in class all day long, and then you go home, and then you have a bunch of homework to do. 

KAYLA: Here is the thing… 

SARAH: By yourself. 

KAYLA: Yeah, but like, here's the thing, is I know some people like, have different situations, like I know I work with a of couple students now, and their parents will be like, “She's up until like 1am doing homework.” I don't remember my homework taking like, that many hours. Like I still had time to chill, except for days where I had like, theater practice really late or something like that, I feel like I still had some time to chill. 

SARAH: I was often up that late in high school because of gymnastics. 

KAYLA: I mean yeah, I think you just did more than me. 

SARAH: I think I just did so much shit, because I would have gymnastics, the practices were 4 hours and it would take a half hour to get there and a half hour to get back. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I mean I think people, especially that did sports, it was just like, a lot more time consuming. Like the stuff I was doing was only time consuming for like a week during the year. 

SARAH: Or it wasn't necessarily time consuming every day. Like it might be very time consuming on a Tuesday. Like if you have a band practice on Tuesday night. 

KAYLA: Oh yeah, there was definitely certain nights that it was like, well I'm getting nothing done today because I have to be at tech until 11pm, but.

SARAH: Yeah, I just, I think this is partially stemming from just my own experience of high school being extremely fucking busy. And I'm the kind of person who I have to be very busy for my own sanity. Like I didn't find out that I had ADHD until I was in college because that was the first time, I like slowed down at all enough to realize that like, wait, I can only focus when I'm in an emergency need to do it now situation. 

KAYLA: It's true. 

SARAH: It's just that in high school everything was a “it must be done now” situation. 

KAYLA: Yeah 

[00:10:00]

SARAH: And so, I think it's partially just my own experience of like I did so much shit. But also, just for me, like attraction was not even on my radar. And like, as I've said before on this podcast, like it was always kind of in the back of my head, like, oh, it'll come like I'm just a late bloomer. It's going to happen. But like it wasn't the sort of thing where I was like, I want this to happen to me. I was like, it just like… it completely didn't bother me that all through high school I never dated anyone, that I never had a date to a school dance. And so, like I think even now dating in high school just doesn't totally make sense to me. And I think if you look to… like I recognize that a lot of people when they're in romantic relationships, like you need for some people, you really need to have a couple to like understand what you're looking for in a relationship and that sort of thing. Are you still there? 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: Sorry, it might… like the sound in my ear changed and I was like, that's odd. 

KAYLA: That’s odd. Still me. 

SARAH: Anyway, now my ear is ringing. Okay, cool. 

KAYLA: Oh good, tinnitus.

SARAH: Tinnitus? My dad has tinnitus, so. 

KAYLA: That's fun. 

SARAH: Yeah. Anyway, my ear is ringing. Okay. 

KAYLA: Oh, you're very loud now. Let's keep all of this in. I think we should keep it all. 

SARAH: Interesting. Where was I? Fuck, I have no idea where I was. 

KAYLA: Good. 

SARAH: What was I saying? 

KAYLA: Well, I remembered at first and then we kept talking, now I don’t remember

SARAH: Fuck 

KAYLA: You will need to learn what you want. 

SARAH: Oh, like you need to, okay, whatever. We'll just keep all this in. I don't care. 

KAYLA: Oh good 

SARAH: I don't want to edit around it. 

KAYLA: We love laziness. 

SARAH: This is just a treat for all of you. 

KAYLA: You can have one blooper as a treat. 

SARAH: You can have one blooper as a treat and it's this one. This is usually the kind of stuff we cut out at y'all who are asking for bloopers. It's not that exciting. 

KAYLA: It's just this. Or us talking shit about someone in secret. Y'all don't get to hear because you don't know them anyway. 

SARAH: But we can't put people's names on blast. Anyway. 

KAYLA: Yeah, that's fucked. 

SARAH: Anyway. Fuck, where was I? Okay. A lot of people, they, like, you need to be in multiple relationships to understand what you really need out of a relationship and like what is best for you. And I know for a lot of people that's the case. But I feel like every time, or often, not every time, but often when you hear people who are our age or they're older, maybe they're married, and they're like, oh yeah, I'm still with my high school sweetheart, we're engaged, we're married or whatever, a lot of times the reaction is like, ew. 

KAYLA: Oh really? 

SARAH: Kind of, yeah. 

KAYLA: So, I work with two different people who are married to their high school sweethearts, and I feel like when they told us that at work, everyone was like, aww. But they're also adults who are married and one has a kid, so obviously they're doing fine. 

SARAH: Yeah, I mean, I think the two responses are aww and ew. Because when that happens, either the couple is very very happy together and they're the one for each other, or the other option is they just... a lot of times people in that situation like don’t know that they can do better or don’t know that they can have a healthier relationship that what they had in high school because a lot of times, you know the person… this is the reason why a lot of people I think date a number of people before they finally figure out what’s right for them is because they need to…

KAYLA: I don't know, but that's exactly true. 

SARAH: Okay, I'm not going to explain that. 

KAYLA: I’m just saying there is… I’m just… no, I’m saying I think… I don’t think most people in… well, no, that’s not true, I think some people intentionally date a lot of people, but I think other people date a lot of people because sometimes they get broken up with, and then they have to date someone else 

SARAH: That’s fair

KAYLA: Not have to, that sounds bad but…

SARAH: But I think a lot of times like the idea of like staying with someone from the time you were 14 until forever, it’s either romanticized or people are very turned off by it 

KAYLA: I mean, yeah, I think it can either be really great and like you've grown together and you're really strong or whatever. I think it definitely takes a certain kind of person to be able to do that and other people, it just really doesn't work out. Like I think it really depends on the relationship. 

SARAH: And like my parents, just putting my parents on blast on this episode, my dad has tinnitus and also. 

KAYLA: Wow, got him. 

SARAH: My parents knew each other in high school. So, they met when they were young, but they didn't start dating until they were in college. And they went to different schools. So, I feel like in that situation, it's like you're out of high school and if you decide once you're in college and you're going to a different school than this person that you still want to date them, like that's like a testament to the strength of the relationship, right? 

KAYLA: I mean, that's what my sister and her fiancé did. 

SARAH: Did they? 

KAYLA: Yeah, he went to high school with us and they kind of knew each other, but then knew each other better in senior year. They started dating the summer after they graduated and they went to different, actually the same schools, Michigan and Michigan State, but different schools from each other. 

SARAH: What? 

KAYLA: Didn't your parents one go to state, one go to Michigan? 

SARAH: Oh, yeah. I thought you meant the same schools as each other, but I was like Michigan and Michigan State are not in the same school. 

KAYLA: So, the same as your parents. My sister went to U of M, her fiancé went to State, and so basically right off the bat after one summer, they started doing long distance at different schools. 

SARAH: Yeah. I think…

KAYLA: And they're still doing it. 

SARAH: Yeah, I think just a lot of times, like, when people, like a lot of the relationships that people have when they're in high school are less mature because you're a teenager, and that's to be expected. And so, I think a lot of times the distaste that some people have for, like, relationships that like, they've been together since high school is like, oh, this is probably not a, like, super mature relationship, or like, you don't know each other, like, aside from being the other person's significant other. And I feel like I hear it often, where if there's a relationship where people have been together since they were in high school, together since they were really young, and like, something is going wrong, or like, the relationship feels really mismatched, like, as soon as you say, oh, they've been together since 10th grade, a lot of people are like, oh, that's why. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, I don't know, like I said, I think it really depends on the people, and like, I know, like, the one relationship I had in high school, like, it was definitely, like, not very mature, and I, like, looking back, I was like, oh, I was like, kind of a piece of shit. 

SARAH: Mm, we love that. 

KAYLA: Yeah, we do love that for me, but, oh, so was he, he said some shit that I was like, you can't say that to me. Anyway, this isn't the time or the place. But I think, like, some people, A, are more mature in high school, and B, are able to, like, see that the beginning of their relationship was immature and, like, have very open conversations about it. 

SARAH: Yeah, I mean, that's not to say that I don't think people who start dating in high school can stay together. Like, my sister's best friend is getting married this year, I guess, it's not next year anymore. And she has been with her fiancé since their freshman year of high school, and they're a lovely couple, so, like, you know, it really does depend. But I think there's just, dating in high school, I don't get it. 

KAYLA: I mean, I don't know, I do think, like, I don't think it often turns into anything, I don't think the relationship often goes anywhere, I think it was much more common for high school sweethearts to be a thing years ago. 

SARAH: Yeah, well especially when you would get married when you're 19. 

KAYLA: Well yeah, you would get married much younger and also a lot of people didn't go to college and so high school was college basically and high school was a lot bigger of a deal and then no one moved away from their town, whatever, just a lot of stuff that was different, especially for smaller towns. 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: But I do think, like, as, and I'm trying to keep in mind that a lot of people that listen to this in high school and they might be thinking we're talking down to them or trying to tell them, like, oh, when you're older you'll feel this way, whatever

SARAH: If you’re in high school, feel free to date, just know that I don't understand. That's all. 

KAYLA: Well, I think, for me looking back on my first… like my relationship in high school and then the first relationship I had in college, they did teach me a lot about like what I wanted and also just how to be a decent person to who I was in a relationship with, how to like not be piece of shit, and how… like how to communicate and looking back on the things that went wrong and I think that has informed my later relationships, even though those relationships were maybe immature or didn't end up going anywhere, they still were worth my time. 

SARAH: Yeah, because you got something out of it. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, and I mean, if you're dating someone and you're having a good time, there's nothing wrong with that. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: I just… like to me, it's just so hard to wrap my head around that being something that you're really interested to in high school. And like, I know some people who started dating in like fifth grade. It's like…

KAYLA: Yeah, that… 

SARAH: Bro, you're 10. 

KAYLA: These are the things that confuse me because I… first of all, wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. 

[00:20:00]

SARAH: Mm-hmm

KAYLA: I feel like we've talked about this before. I didn't even like have the urge to date anyone until I was probably a freshman, I guess. I remember having my first crush in fifth grade, but I don't think it ever crossed my mind that we're going to date. And also, I mean, I want to be nice to myself, but also, I was just looking at some old pictures of myself from middle school, intermediate school age. I really, I mean, I was ugly. 

SARAH: Kayla. 

KAYLA: I know… No, but I'll send you this picture after, because my hair used to be pin straight. During puberty it got really curly, but first it was just frizzy and I didn't know how to deal with it, and so I was just like, my hair was whack. I'm not just saying I was ugly, because like whatever… like I was like… no one was going to try to date me. 

SARAH: Kayla. 

KAYLA: So, it's not, no, I'm not trying to talk shit about myself, it's just true. 

SARAH: You don't have to be attractive for you to be someone who's worth dating. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I know that now, but I don't think kids really think about that. 

SARAH: Okay, maybe they should. 

KAYLA: I agree they should, but I… listen, I think kids care a lot about that kind of stuff. 

SARAH: Okay. I um… I had a friend in middle school who wasn't allowed to date until she was in high school. And she… I remember being in eighth grade, and she was like, I can't wait until next year when I get to date. And I was like, okay. Like, I was just like, good for you. Like, I don't… I don't have time for that. Here, you want to know a funny story? 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: Okay. Speaking of me doing way too many extracurricular activities, when I was asked out in tenth grade and I panicked because I didn't know I was aro-ace yet, but I knew I didn't want to date this person even though I liked this person as a friend, and it was very confusing and I just was doing a lot of panicking. At that time, the reason I gave for saying no, because I kind of wanted to let them down easy and also because I'm super non-confrontational, I was like, I just, like, I don't have time. I'm, APUSH has taken up APUSH history. And that was kind of the out I used, and then later on, they were like, with APUSH over now, and I was like… 

KAYLA: Eww

SARAH: Here's the thing, I just kind of said that. 

KAYLA: That's why you always use your parents as an excuse. 

SARAH: But then, no. In that situation, I needed to just say no. Even though I didn't understand why I was saying no. 

KAYLA: I mean, I know. But here's my advice to younger people, and anyone. You can always use your parents as excuses. 

SARAH: That's true. 

KAYLA: Because if they're good parents, like my parents have told me many times, just say that I won't let you, or just say that I said this. 

SARAH: Yeah, my mom was always like, if you're at a birthday party or something, and/or a sleepover, and you're uncomfortable, just tell me, and I'll take the hit for it and say that I made you come home. And I was like, cool, thanks mom. 

KAYLA: Yeah, this is unrelated. But if you are in high school, just always use your parents as excuses. They don't… They care more about you being comfortable than whatever. 

SARAH: At least I hope they do. 

KAYLA: I hope they do. That's true. 

SARAH: I hope they do. 

KAYLA: Use us as an excuse. 

SARAH: Yeah, these podcast posts. 

KAYLA: We said you can't. 

SARAH: You can't do it. 

KAYLA: You can't date him. 

SARAH: You can't. 

KAYLA: You can't. 

SARAH: You can't. Unless you can. 

KAYLA: But I said you can't. Mom said you can't. Dad said you can. I mean, who did you ask first? Did you ask strategically? 

SARAH: You can if you want to and if you think it's a safe situation. If you don't want to, listen to mom. Say you can. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Depending on what answer you want, choose which parent you're going to. 

SARAH: Yes. That's how you always live your life. 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: Wow, you really sent me off. We went spiraling there and I forgot where my brain was going. 

KAYLA: Shocking 

SARAH: What were we talking about? 

KAYLA: Oh, who's to say? 

SARAH: Who's to say? Dating in high school. That's just the topic of this podcast. That's not specific enough. Oh, but it baffles me that some people start dating so young. Because, how are you thinking about that? I know you're not necessarily thinking about your sexuality when you're 11, right? You might be, but probably not. At least not in the terms of sex, maybe more of romantic orientation might be more on your mind when you're 11. Who knows? I'm aro-ace, I know nothing. But, how are kids that young thinking about things? I recognize that it happens. It's so hard for me to understand as an aro-ace person. 

KAYLA: I mean, I think it's more of a thing of like, and I mean like dating in what? Like fifth grade? You aren't actually dating. You're like holding hands in the hallway. 

SARAH: I guess. 

KAYLA: I don't know, in movies maybe it's like when you go to your first boy-girl party. I didn't have that when I was, maybe because none of my friends, we didn't do anything other than sit at each other's houses. But we didn't have like a first boy-girl party. Maybe that's a thing in movies that I've been seeing recently. 

SARAH: My first girl-boy party, my mom was like, call me if you're uncomfortable and you need to come home. And I was like, Mom, it's going to be fine. She was like, call me! And it was fine. Mom, it was fine. 

KAYLA: Julie, listen. 

SARAH: There are some pictures of me from that night that are embarrassing because I'm weird. That's the only reason. 

KAYLA: That's just, yeah. That's just how it was. 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: But I think, I mean, it's not like they're really dating. Thinking back to the first crush I can remember having in fifth grade, I think it was just like, oh, this boy is nice to me and he's cute and I like him now. But it wasn't like, there wasn't thoughts beyond that. 

SARAH: Yeah, I wonder how much of it is cultural and society is telling you that it's normal for this to happen. So, people are starting to be like, ooh, I like this person younger. If you went into the stone age, would a nine-year-old kid who hasn't had her period yet be even thinking about boys? 

KAYLA: Well, I mean, I think stone age is different because they needed to procreate. 

SARAH: But if they are not of reproductive age yet, would they even be thinking about that? 

KAYLA: Well, let me, I, hold on now, I have an actual answer. I started watching… 

SARAH: Hey, Kayla, do you, do you have a, did you take a feminism class? 

KAYLA: No, this is literally not about that. This is because I started watching…

SARAH: Do you have a psych degree? 

KAYLA: No, I started watching Game of Thrones recently. 

SARAH: Oh my god. 

KAYLA: And this is obviously a fake story, but I think it could be, you know, slightly real to what was happening in the, you know, castle age times. 

SARAH: Castle aged, castle age times and stone age times are not the same. 

KAYLA: I know, I'm talking about castle age times now. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: Please keep up for the love of God, Sarah. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: I will break up this podcast. Anyway, Sansa from the one family, her dad and the king who's the dad of Joffrey, who's a bitch by the way, are like, we should marry our kid, our kids should get married to each other and then our houses will be combined. And they're like, dope. Which I mean it's not dope because they were just like, here have my kid and that happened a lot. But then the daughter is like, yes, this is dope because that means one day, I'll get to be queen. And then she's talking about like, oh, he has such beautiful hair and I love him. 

SARAH: That's an economic proposition and a power dynamic. 

KAYLA: Yeah, but notably she has not had her period yet and that is a plot point. 

SARAH: Yeah, but like, I think that's still very much a social impact. I'm talking… 

KAYLA: But she is thinking about it. 

SARAH: I am talking stone ages. 

KAYLA: Which one is that? 

SARAH: I'm talking we just evolved out of Neanderthals. 

KAYLA: They don't, I don't think they had, okay, if you're just evolving out of Neanderthals, I don't think their brains were fully developed to where we are now. 

SARAH: So, they're not, well, no, like I'm talking modern humans, like not Neanderthals anymore. Still a modern human though, but like early. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know that they still thought like, I mean, you can't compare that to… the cultures were totally different. 

SARAH: Well, no, but that's what I'm saying. I'm just saying like, if there isn't like this cultural impact of like rom coms and like, ooh, this three-year-old is such a ladies’ man and like that sort of thing when it's… when it's really just about like reproducing and, you know, surviving. I'm just saying, I would be curious to know if that's something that kids in that time were like, ooh, I'm into this boy. I want to kiss him. I haven't had my period. I haven't gone through puberty yet. Like if that's still something that they might be thinking about it that I mean, there's no way to know. 

KAYLA: I feel like yes, I'm leaning towards yes. 

SARAH: See, I'm leaning towards no, but I'm also aro-ace, so I'm baffled by all of this. 

[00:30:00]

KAYLA: I just… I'm leaning towards yes, because I don't know, I think like they would have seen their parents doing whatever. And like, people around… like I think even way back then like it was a cultural thing. 

SARAH: But not in the same way it is now. 

KAYLA: No, I know. But I think it's still I mean, as unfortunate as it is, especially for like aro-ace people like romance and sex, I think have always been like a big cultural thing. Like if you look back at like, olden times squires and their songs and like, you know, like the ancient Romans or the Greeks, and you look at their stories and stuff. 

SARAH: Is Sailor J on this podcast right now? 

KAYLA: Yes. Um, I mean, like, it's so… 

SARAH: Call me Rihanna. 

KAYLA: Call me Rihanna. I mean, it's just so pervasive all the time. 

SARAH: I guess. I just hate it. 

KAYLA: I mean, I know. 

SARAH: That was not me saying, I guess. I just hate it. It was me saying, I guess, period. I just hate it. 

KAYLA: No, I know what you meant. 

SARAH: For maybe future transcribers, I need you to know that. 

KAYLA: Okay. Thank you for that note. 

SARAH: You're welcome. Also, just for me, as an aro-ace person, I look at people in college or being an adult, and I can understand wanting a relationship so that you're not, I don't know, lonely or whatever, whatever reason people get into relationships. 

KAYLA: That's not how it works. 

SARAH: Well, this is just how my aro-ace brain is trying to conceptualize it. 

KAYLA: I know. I know. 

SARAH: Like I can understand people wanting to have relationships in college, but my brain just can't understand it in high school. And I think I can't be the only one who thinks this way. And I think for people who are allo, it is important to hear this perspective because I am inundated by your romance, your romance shit all the time. 

KAYLA: Don't call it mine. I don't want it. 

SARAH: I'm not saying your, the society's. 

KAYLA: Wow. I feel attacked? 

SARAH: Well, it sucks to be alloromantic, Kayla. 

KAYLA: That is the tea. 

SARAH: But it's so in our faces as aro-ace folks or other aro-spec people or people who just aren't into this. It's in our faces all the time. And so, I think it is important for other people to understand that in the same way that you might not be able to grasp why I don't want romantic relationships and I don't want sex, I can't fully grasp why you do. 

KAYLA: No, it totally makes sense because it's not really something you can explain. It's a feeling. It’s like your identity, it's your orientation. It's not like you can really talk about it in a nuanced way. 

SARAH: Yeah. And so, my understanding of relationships is from a more objective standpoint, like a life partner. 

KAYLA: It's a very logical standpoint. 

SARAH: Yeah, it's kind of like how when I was in high school, I was like, oh, I have a crush on this kid because he seems pretty smart and I guess he's attractive. And then like two days later I decided I wasn't going to have a crush on him anymore so I just stopped. It's very like, not mathematical. Mathematical is not the right word. 

KAYLA: I know. It's just very logical because you're looking at it in a way that's devoid of any romantic feelings because you don't experience that. And so, when you take those feelings away, all you're left with is a very pragmatic way of reasoning through it, of trying to understand what are the pros and cons of dating in high school when I think people who are alloromantic don't usually think about it that way. 

SARAH: Yeah. And I think from dedicating my life to various fandoms and just being a human, I can understand better the appeal of being loved and knowing someone really well and spending a lot of time. I can understand that, but I think the idea of attraction to begin with, I just can't get it. 

KAYLA: Well yeah, it's very foreign. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Yeah 

SARAH: Um, can I read to our listeners some of the things I texted you late at night? 

KAYLA: I would love that. 

SARAH: Um, I… these are some things that high schoolers can do instead of dating. 

KAYLA: Wait, can I also ask why you thought of this in the middle of the night and started texting me? 

SARAH: Okay, it was not the middle of the night for me. It was 10:45. 

KAYLA: Well, that's… okay, well it was for me, so. 

SARAH: Um, I don't remember. 

KAYLA: Oh, okay, cool, good story. 

SARAH: Thank you. 

KAYLA: That was great. 

SARAH: Okay, some things you can do instead of dating. Um, I wrote, you're a kid, go to a football game, or go to the arcade, or read a book, or dedicate your life to a TV show, IDK. 

KAYLA: See…

SARAH: Yes 

KAYLA: See, I already have a rebuttal to this. 

SARAH: Let me read them all, no, actually, rebut. 

KAYLA: Um, all of those things, going to a football game, going to an arcade, whatever, are all common dates for high schoolers. 

SARAH: Reading a book? 

KAYLA: Not, okay, well maybe reading a book just together if you're a bunch of fucking nerds. 

SARAH: Like off… out of the same book? You'd have to be reading at the same speed. 

KAYLA: You know that's not what I mean, and you're being rude right now. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. 

SARAH: Right. 

KAYLA: That's not true. 

SARAH: Um, other options. Become obsessed with a boy band because you think they're cool and you like their tunes, not because you want their dick in you. You're 14, that's not legal. 

KAYLA: Eww, don't say that. That's… stop. No, you're being nasty. 

SARAH: No. I'm just saying that… okay, my love for One Direction, everyone was like, oh you just have a crush on them. They're just a boy band and all the people who like them only like them because they have crushes on them. I am proof that's not true. 

KAYLA: And for… I mean I am proud of you for that. 

SARAH: Ugh. My next ones. Now these are all in all caps. I was getting really impassioned. I wrote, go to Chipotle? There's so much to do. 

KAYLA: I have definitely been on a Chipotle date before. I do want to say that is with my high school boyfriend we did go on a Chipotle date and I just feel the need for you to know that. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: He called it Chip-to-lay because he thought that's how it was pronounced. 

SARAH: Oh, that's beautiful. Aristotlay. I also wrote, beg your mom to take you to the mall so you can walk around with your Vera Bradley purse and only buy soft pretzels? 

KAYLA: That's a very real one. 

SARAH: Very niche, I think, to our specific pocket of generation. 

KAYLA: Yes, but I do feel that on a spiritual level. 

SARAH: Like the Vera Bradley purse, I think the soft pretzel is pretty universal. 

KAYLA: See, I never got to have a Vera Bradley purse because I was like, I'm not spending my money on this expensive shit. 

SARAH: Yeah, no, it was all the cool kids had Vera Bradley purses. 

KAYLA: I mean, yes, but I was not one of them so I did not have one. 

SARAH: I had one. It was black and bright green and white and it was the cross body one. 

KAYLA: I know the one. 

SARAH: And then after that I had one that was light blue and white and something else. 

KAYLA: I do know. 

SARAH: And green. It was the same style. 

KAYLA: I have now transitioned from... 

SARAH: It was just less dirty. 

KAYLA: I've transitioned from... 

SARAH: It was dirty

KAYLA: Shh. I’m telling you a story; I have transitioned from teen girl who has Vera Bradley now to middle aged mom who has… Because I have a duffel bag now. That I got for, like, graduation. 

SARAH: I actually... I do have... I have two Vera Bradley duffel bags. Because, to be fair, they're good duffel bags. 

KAYLA: I mean I've put a lot of shit in that duffel. It hasn't broken yet. 

SARAH: You can fit so much in there. 

KAYLA: And it fits in the compartment thing above your seat on Delta flights. 

SARAH: Yes 

KAYLA: And really, that's what's important. 

SARAH: Both of them were gifted to me. 

KAYLA: Oh, same! I would not buy that shit for myself. 

SARAH: I haven't spent my own money on it. 

KAYLA: The podcast does not pay me enough to buy a Vera Bradley bag. I'm sorry. 

SARAH: You know what else? Vera Bradley has really soft blankets. 

KAYLA: Really? I love this segment we're doing and this unpaid ad for Vera Bradley that's happening right now. 

SARAH: Listen, to all of you listeners, I am not encouraging you to buy Vera Bradley. My mom is just really into it…

KAYLA: They also have good backpacks; I will say that. Oh, my mom is too. One of her many knitting bags is a Vera Bradley backpack. 

SARAH: My mom owns way too many Vera Bradley bags. I'm really coming after my parents in this episode. My mom, and I've told this to her face, so this isn't new, she owns way too many bags. A lot of them are Vera Bradley bags. The perks of that though... 

KAYLA: She knows what she likes. 

SARAH: The perks of that though is that you do discover that they have really soft blankets and then for Christmas you get one that has the block M on it. 

KAYLA: That's very fun. That's very good. 

SARAH: There's that. Yeah. Dating in high school? I don't get it. Vera Bradley purses... maybe not worth your money. Unless you really like them. 

KAYLA: I mean, they're very expensive for just like a quilted bag that you could for sure make yourself. 

SARAH: With like a very bold pattern. Some people are into patterns like that. 

KAYLA: Just pick like paisley and then sew. 

SARAH: And then sew. Yeah

KAYLA: Yeah, I mean the paisley isn't super my jam. 

SARAH: Yeah. Listen. Um... This is both an ad for and a diss on Vera Bradley. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. 

KAYLA: You're welcome, Vera Bradley. 

[00:40:00]

SARAH: Um... anyway. Oh wow. Okay. Dating in high school? I don't get it. Do you have any final thoughts? 

KAYLA: I mean I'll definitely say looking back now as a semi-adult, and I know like I work with a bunch of like mid-30s people and they're like, oh my god, you're still young! So, I know like, obviously there's much more to learn. 

SARAH: You're still young. We're babies. 

KAYLA: I'm a baby. I'm baby. I'm literally the youngest person that works in my office, I think. 

SARAH: I thought you were going to say I'm literally the youngest person in the world. And I was like, that's a bold take. 

KAYLA: I’m literally a baby.

SARAH: It's interesting that you say that because I'm younger than you. And I was at a three-year old's birthday party yesterday. 

KAYLA: Aww, fun. 

SARAH: It was rattlesnake themed. 

KAYLA: Oh! Why didn't you send me pictures? You know I was so excited about this birthday. 

SARAH: I have pictures I can send them to you. 

KAYLA: How did you not FaceTime me into this birthday? I've literally never been so mad at you in my life. 

SARAH: I'm so sorry. 

KAYLA: You knew how excited I was for this birthday party. 

SARAH: I'm just so sorry. 

KAYLA: Anyway, I'll say, looking back now, besides what I learned from my relationship that obviously ended, besides that, I mean, I don't... There's not... I don't want to say there's no point to dating in high school. Oh, I just got a picture. Oh, that's very good. That's a very good cake. It's a snake cake. 

SARAH: Yeah, my dad's cousin made that cake. It's shaped like a snake. 

KAYLA: It's so long. 

SARAH: There were also some snakes hanging from the ceiling. 

KAYLA: That's... how was the birthday girl? Did she love it? 

SARAH: Oh, she loved it. There were little tiny, like, plastic snakes on the counter, and at one point, um, I attacked her with the small little plastic snake, and she attacked me back. So... 

KAYLA: I'm obsessed with her. This is also the child that dressed as a pinecone for Halloween. 

SARAH: For Halloween, yes. And her, um... 

KAYLA: Stan. 

SARAH: Her shirt, she had a special custom shirt for her birthday, and she was turning three, so it had her name, and then it had the number three, but as, like, snake, in snake form. 

KAYLA: Well, that's very good. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: I really hope that she continues to be this way until she's just the most elderly woman. I hope society doesn't ruin her. 

SARAH: Me too.  

KAYLA: Uh, anyway, so I don't want to say there's no point to dating in high school, but I do think, like, the older... And, like... I don't know, it's hard, because I don’t want be like demeaning to anyone that I know like when you’re in high school everything is a very big deal. And it is a bid deal 

SARAH: It feels very important. 

KAYLA: And it is very important. Like, that's valid. Like, it is important, and it will impact your life. So, I don't want to say, like, it doesn't matter, or, like, it's stupid, but also, I do think the older that you get, the more you realize that there's... I mean, there's just more to life than your high school boyfriend or girlfriend or significant other, you know? 

SARAH: Yeah, and for those of you who are arospec, or even just aspec, who, like, don't understand aspects of dating, and you're in high school, know that as people get older, it will get easier for you. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I think, like, in high school, everyone makes a really big deal out of dating, I think. Like, in a lot of groups. I don't think my friends did as much, but, like, I think especially for younger people, it can seem like a really big deal, and so you feel very left out if you aren't dating. But, like, I also know a lot of people that are like, I didn't date until college, or I didn't have my first kiss until college, or I went all the way through college and I still haven't dated. Like, I think the older you get, the more you realize that, like, it's not a big deal. 

SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. If it's right for you, and you're in a good position, do it. If not, fuck it. Who cares? 

KAYLA: Don't worry about it. Just go... I was going to say play golf, but, like, don't. That's boring. 

SARAH: Don’t play golf 

KAYLA: Go do something else. 

SARAH: Yeah, no, I was very lucky in that, like, I was very lucky in that, like, none of my friends really dated until at least junior year. 

KAYLA: I don't think, like, any of my friends dated. 

SARAH: Yeah, like... 

KAYLA: Maybe, like, one. 

SARAH: I had, like, two friends that dated, and the rest of us... 

KAYLA: I had one...

SARAH: Were just taking, you know, 400 AP classes. 

KAYLA: I had a friend who, like, since middle school, every guy that we, like, were in bandwidth or whatever was, like, obsessed with her, because she's very pretty, and I always remember being like, how exhausting. Like, she literally always had drama with, like, this guy who I'm just friends with now is in love with me, and I'm just trying to play the cymbals. 

SARAH: Yeah. Soings. 

KAYLA: Anyway. 

SARAH: Yeah, no, and then, like, I didn't have a date at prom, and two of my other friends also didn't. All of my other friends did, but they weren't all, like, romantic dates. 

KAYLA: Yeah, my senior year, I don't think any of us had dates except for, like, a couple friends who were, like, in our friend group and friends, but they just went together. 

SARAH: Yeah, and I think because I was so confident in the fact that I didn't care if I had a date or not, or at least that's what I exuded, I think I... Because at the time, I didn't know that I was aro-ace, and so I think at the time, I was just like, well, I don't want a date, so why should it matter? I think if I had... Like, there's a... In another universe, I might have been like, why am I not interested in anyone? But I just wasn't, because that's just not... I've never done that. 

KAYLA: Yeah. I was just going to say, school dances without a date are definitely more fun. 

SARAH: Oh, yeah. And... 

KAYLA: So, don't worry about that. 

SARAH: Listen, when they played ‘Don't Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith at my prom, everyone was slow dancing, and me and my two friends, who had all gone without a date, were just dramatically lip-syncing, and it was a great time. 

KAYLA: I forgot what I was going to say. 

SARAH: Okay. Anything else to add? 

KAYLA: Well, I guess not, because I simply forgot. 

SARAH: You simply forgot it. Alright, our poll for this week, I think our poll should be, like, how much did dating and romance and sex or whatever distract you in high school? Like, not distract you, but how much did you think about it? 

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: But I don't know what the metric should be because I'm aro-ace. 

KAYLA: Maybe a nice… oh, we can't do a full Likert scale, we only have four options. 

SARAH: Yep. I'm going to leave the scale to you because I got nothing. 

KAYLA: I'll think about it. 

SARAH: You'll see it on our Twitter. Um, Kayla, what is your beef and juice? 

KAYLA: Um, I, this is, we're about to get, it's about to get sad. Are you ready? 

SARAH: Oh. 

KAYLA: Um, I would just, I don't mean to bum people out, but I can, there's a, I can make a positive upswing, so just trust me and go with me. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: Um, recently, and no one, I don't think that listens to this, actually knows this person, so it doesn't really matter, but recently a good family friend died. 

SARAH: It still matters. 

KAYLA: Well, no, it matters, but it's not like they're going to have like a personal connection. But anyway, recently a good family friend died who was like my dad's age and we grew up like across the street from him and his family and everything. Um, and it's very sad. I think it's like the first death that I've experienced like as an adult who like really understands what's going on. Um, it's very sad, but I think it's hard like being away from my family and everything during this. But the good thing is he was a really, really prominent member of our community. He was the principal at our elementary school for a long time and was a teacher and then was a principal at kind of like our alternative high school and had a really, really big effect on people. And so, I like put together a Facebook group for his family and for the community to be able to go in and like talk about him. Um, and people are sharing really, really incredible stories about him. So, I would just say, I guess the beef is that that happened, but the juice is that I guess just remembering that… 

SARAH: People came together 

KAYLA: People came together and that they're like, there still are like really, really good people in the world. And to also just be thankful for the people around you. And I'm very thankful for everyone that listens. And I tweeted about this, but, um, yeah. 

SARAH: You know what I thought of as you were saying that? That's completely unrelated. Um, the alternative high school in my district was called ACE. 

KAYLA: That's very good. 

SARAH: That's just, there's your fact. 

KAYLA: All ours was called Legacy. 

SARAH: Um, my juice. So, we're recording this on Monday, which is earlier than we usually do… 

KAYLA: Very wild

SARAH: Which means I am still on a high from the fucking Oscars. Parasite. Parasite. 

KAYLA: I'm seeing it on Thursday. 

SARAH: Parasite. Also, Parasite. Also, Tycho ITD. But mostly Parasite. Holy shit. I was, I was at an, for those of you who don't keep track of these things, the Oscars happened. There were definitely some snubs in the nominations, but I think based off of what the options the Academy voters had, what they had to work with, I think they did a pretty good job. I was at an Oscars watch party with some of my friends and when Parasite, well when Bong Joon-ho won Best Director, we were all like, holy shit. And then when it won Best Picture as well as Best International Film, because I was like, it would be so great if it won both, and then it did and the room lost their fucking minds. 

KAYLA: I think my favorite is that he called the Oscars a local award show. 

SARAH: Yeah 

KAYLA: It’s just so funny. Because everyone was like, ooh, the Oscars, and he's like, meh. 

SARAH: Meh, whatever. Bong Joon-ho is incredible. My other juice is I have a job now. 

KAYLA: Yes, employed! 

SARAH: At the time of recording this, I haven't started it yet. 

KAYLA: Tomorrow! 

SARAH: Although I did get a call from work in the middle of this podcast that y'all missed. 

KAYLA: It was very dramatic. 

SARAH: But I didn’t miss it, I answered it, but by the time this comes out, I’ll be almost a week in deep in employment

KAYLA: Very exciting. Except it is going to fuck up our recording schedule just massively. 

SARAH: Massively. Yeah, I work until 7pm and it's going to take me at least 45 minutes to get home from work. 

KAYLA: And I live three hours ahead, so it's a mess. 

SARAH: Yeah, it's a mess. But we'll figure it out. 

KAYLA: We'll do it. Maybe I'll just be really tired in every episode from now on. And that's fine. 

SARAH: Maybe. And my beef is that my commute is going to be hell. It's going to be probably about 45 minutes coming home, but I looked on Google Maps today to see how long it would take to get there, because I'm coming home kind of like tail end of rush hour, but I'm getting there at rush hour. And it was like, it could take between 45 minutes and an hour and 40 minutes. 

KAYLA: That's just truly heinous. 

SARAH: It's like 17 miles, and it'll just take forever. I mean, I'll be able to listen to a lot of podcasts though. 

KAYLA: That's very true. I have another beef. 

SARAH: Mm-hmm. 

KAYLA: It's that my cat woke me up at 6:30 this morning and was just trying to eat everything I own. And so, if anyone would like a cat... 

SARAH: She hungers. 

KAYLA: I am giving her away. I'm not really. But also, I'm going on vacation. 

SARAH: Some people might take you up on that. 

KAYLA: I know they would. But also, I'm going on vacation the first week of March, and I don't know what to do with her. So, I mean, I guess I am giving her away for a week. Please come watch my cat. I don't know who I'm going to ask. I don't know what I'm going to do with her. I can't take her to Florida with me. 

SARAH: Amazing. Are you going somewhere for Michigan Spring Break? 

KAYLA: I am, yes. We're going to Disney. 

SARAH: Yeah, because my sister is visiting me at that time. 

KAYLA: That's fun. Yeah. Me and the fam and Dean are going to Disney. 

SARAH: Nice. All right. Well, you can find our poll. Tell us about your beef, your juice, your love of the movie Parasite. On our Twitter, @SoundsFakePod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fierro, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Tim, BookMarvel, ChangelingMX, Derek and Karissa, Simona Simon, Jamie Jack and Drew Yangy. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa, @Dirtyunclekevin @Tessa_M_K, Arcness, who would like to promote the Trevor Project… 

KAYLA: Wait 

SARAH: Benjamin Ybarra. We have a new one, don't we? 

KAYLA: Yes 

SARAH: It’s a $10 one?

KAYLA: Yes, but I don't know what they want to promote. 

SARAH: I was going to ask you as soon as I finished saying the $10 ones, but you interrupted me. 

KAYLA: Sorry

SARAH: Benjamin Ybarra, who would like to promote Tabletop Games, Anonymous, who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy, who would like to promote podcasts from a Planet Weird, and my aunt Jeannie, who would like to promote Christopher's Haven. Kayla? 

KAYLA: Cassandra. 

SARAH: Who is our new patron? Cassandra

KAYLA: Hi Cassandra. 

SARAH: Is Cassandra new or did Cassandra bump up? 

KAYLA: New, because they tweeted and they were like, I'm finally a patron. And I was like, thank you, but then I didn't like, DM them or ask them, because I'm, listen. I just, listen. 

SARAH: Unbelievable. Sorry, Cassandra. 

KAYLA: My deepest condolences, Cassandra. My mom's name is Sandra. You're not my mom. 

SARAH: Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee. 

KAYLA: Don't look at me like that. You're not my mom. 

SARAH: Speaking of moms, our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Julie, who would like to promote free mom hugs. That's my mom. That's my speaking mom. 

KAYLA: Hi, Julie. We talked a lot of shit about you. 

SARAH: Sarah Jones, who is @Eternallolli everywhere. Dragonfly, who this week is going to promote not having tinnitus, because my ear is no longer ringing. And Dia Chappelle, who would like to promote the podcast Love and Luck. I would like to mention, it's okay if you do have tinnitus. This isn't a… this isn't an attack on people. 

KAYLA: Wow, this is an anti-tinnitus podcast now. I see

SARAH: Just my ear stops ringing, so. 

KAYLA: Not safe for Tinnit… N-S-F-T. Ooh, that was my cat. 

SARAH: Anyway, thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. 

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows. You're a piece of shit.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]