Ep 25: Sextiquette

SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA: And a demi straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.)

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: Sextiquette.

BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.

*Intro music*

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod. On this week, an identity crisis. Kayla couldn't remember who she is. 

KAYLA: Yeah, yeah. Slight pause there, because I just blacked out.

SARAH: We used to have to look at the script for that part but we no longer do so sometimes mistakes are made.

KAYLA: I don't know that we don’t. I feel like I still might need to look at it. 

SARAH: Good. Well, that's your own problem. All right, so this week's pod was actually not one of the things on our list. Two weeks in a row that we've done this.

KAYLA: Brought to you by, an unfortunate conversation we had with our roommates yesterday. 

SARAH: Yes. 

KAYLA: So what happened, Sarah? 

SARAH: Yesterday, we were talking to our housemates. No idea how this happened. 

KAYLA: We were having a family dinner, it was very cute, and then it turned not cute. 

SARAH: Yeah. Basically – 

KAYLA: Oh, I know how it came up. 

SARAH: How did it came up? 

KAYLA: So we're in Quidditch at the University of Michigan and some insider knowledge about Quidditch is if you are in a relationship or having sexual encounters with another member of Quidditch, it's called Quincest. And then there was this competition that doesn't really have anything to do with Quincest except, if you were doing Quincest I think it made it easier. But anyway, there was a competition between the two houses, they get passed down to the team of who could have sex in the most rooms of their house that they lived in. 

SARAH: Yes, or just of any house generally. 

KAYLA: I suppose, but I think it was easier if you lived there. 

SARAH: Right. So we were talking about how the current people who live in our house – 

KAYLA: We’re not doing that. 

SARAH: Yeah, we're not doing that.

KAYLA: We were like, no one is going into each other's rooms on purpose to get their score up. 

SARAH: Right, especially with me.

KAYLA: Especially with Sarah, it’s like – 

SARAH: I'm not here for that. 

KAYLA: Poor Sarah would ultimately lose, obviously. 

SARAH: I would lose and I would be mad at anyone that tried to have sex in my room. But basically, it came up that there is a room in our house, a bedroom of one of our house mates, that of the five people currently living here, two of them have had sex in this person's room, not including the person who room it is. 

KAYLA: So to be fair, these two situations happened when it was not her room yet. 

SARAH: Kayla, you lived in that room for two weeks. 

KAYLA: Okay, here's what happened, alright? Just put my sex life out on the line. We moved into this house, we were allowed to move into this house in early September. I needed to move into this house two weeks earlier, because the house that I lived in over the summer, we couldn't live there until September. Basically, it was like a two week limbo where I had nowhere to live.

And I was like, hey, housemate who’s not moving in until early September, can I just like stay in your room for two weeks? Because there's someone still living in my room and I can't kick them out because they're paying rent. And they were like, sure. And then I proceeded to have sex just once, and it wasn't even full sex, alright? I'll give you that detail, okay, it wasn't even full sex in that room. So that one was my bad. The other sex that happened in that room – 

SARAH: Our house mate was subletting the room for the whole summer. 

KAYLA: Yeah, and it was like a year ago. So it was before we even knew that we were moving into this house.

SARAH: And they're in a committed relationship. 

KAYLA: I was in a committed relationship.

SARAH: Yeah, in both scenarios. However, I think that's a little bit better of an excuse than yours. 

KAYLA: It is, it definitely is. 

SARAH: Because you knew that the person who was moving into that room was going to be moving into that room in like a week. 

KAYLA: Yeah, but like, it was on my sheets and it's not like she's touching any like, you know – 

SARAH: All right, basically, this made us think about sex etiquette. 

KAYLA: Yes, because then we started talking about the unfortunate times when you have to listen to someone next door to you. Like in our dorm room, I would often hear the people in the room next to us having sex. 

SARAH: Luckily, that was after I left for Germany.

KAYLA: That was after you left for Germany. But we all heard it, the rest of us that you left behind had to suffer through it. So then we were talking about sex etiquette. 

SARAH: Because the number one rule of our house – We have a basement in our house. 

KAYLA: We sure do. 

SARAH: And the vents in our house are giant. 

KAYLA: Like literally three feet wide. I think, and you can see through them. 

SARAH: Yeah, you can see through them. And so, if you're in the basement, you can hear everything happening on the first floor. 

KAYLA: You can hear a whole conversation between our dining room, and our laundry room in the basement. 

SARAH: Oh yeah, I've maintained a conversation with people in the dining room while I was doing my laundry. 

KAYLA: Yeah, because it's like there's not even a floor, there's just literally like a three foot hole with a grate over it. So like, that's literally what it is. 

SARAH: Right, so you can hear everything in the basement. We have a room in our basement that we like to call the murder room. 

KAYLA: Because it looks like you about to straight get murdered. It is creepy. 

SARAH: Yeah, because we don't have like a finished basement or anything. So it's just like concrete – 

KAYLA: But that one room in particular is – 

SARAH: That one room in particular is creepy, so we call it the murder room. So the number one rule in our house – 

KAYLA: Honestly, one of the only rules in the house. 

SARAH: Basically, the only rule in the house is no sex in the murder room, because everyone could hear it. 

KAYLA: Yeah, and it's not even like you would hear it muffled, like you hear when you have to listen to having someone having sex in the next room over. It would not be muffled at all, it would be very clear. 

SARAH: It’s pretty clear. I don't know why anyone would want to have sex in the murder room. But listen, this is why we're not having a competition in this house to see who can have sex in the most rooms because previously with said competition, there were some people who did have sex in the basement, an unfinished basement. 

KAYLA: It was an unfinished basement. 

SARAH: Just so that they could get the point from that.

KAYLA: I don’t know that it was just so they could get the point. 

SARAH: Yeah, okay. I don't know. I cannot speak for these people. 

KAYLA: But they did get the point. 

SARAH: They did get the point. And more power to them, I guess. But not in my house, please. 

KAYLA: Okay, going back, to be fair, it's not like anyone in this house has had sex in someone else's room like while it was fully their room, like we were all moved in. Although I did tell my roommate who I had sex in her room, that she was – I told her she was allowed to have sex in my room, because I do feel bad. And also, like, you know, we're, you know – 

SARAH: You know.

KAYLA: I’m trying to get that girl in a relationship. 

SARAH: Yeah, took me a second to realize to what you were saying. The person who's room Kayla has had sex in. 

KAYLA: Yes, I told her that she was allowed to exact revenge on me by having sex in my room. I asked her to please use different sheets and she said no. So I'm pretty upset, I’m a little upset about that. If that would happen, at least they could like – 

SARAH: To be fair, it was mostly me who said no, because she deserves to not have to put in extra work. 

KAYLA: You can’t even throw down a blanket? That's not that much work. 

SARAH: Listen, I'm just saying. But anyway, alright. Sextiquette. What is it? 

KAYLA: Sex etiquette.

SARAH: No, that's, we all know that.

KAYLA: Oh, sextiquette. It’s like Connecticut but sex, like Schenectady, with sex. Sarah did not know what Schenectady was, it's a place in New York. 

SARAH: Kayla, we're eight and a half minutes into this podcast. 

KAYLA: And we've done nothing.

SARAH: And we've done nothing. 

KAYLA: I think we've done a lot. 

SARAH: Okay, but what are the things that you should be doing for sex etiquette? 

KAYLA: Okay, well, I personally think there's two sex etiquettes. There's sex etiquettes of like, being polite to your partner whom you're having sex with, or your partners. I think we're talking about the sex etiquette of when you live with other people. 

SARAH: Correct, or even if you don't live with other people.

KAYLA: If you have neighbors, basically. 

SARAH: Yeah, especially if you live in an apartment. We have a friend who, her parents live in a condo – 

KAYLA: And the people, I think a couple of floors up or maybe even across the courtyard – 

SARAH: Yeah, I think it’s across the courtyard – 

KAYLA: You can hear them having sex from there. 

SARAH: They have a lot of sex and they can hear it –

KAYLA: From their condo across the complex. So if you live near anyone, the etiquette of your sex – This is a very un –  Ooh, what's that word? 

SARAH: Uncharted? 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: Unambiguous. 

KAYLA: No, you're not helping me.

SARAH: Underrated. 

KAYLA: Unrelatable. To I think probably, maybe, a good chunk of our audience. 

SARAH: Oh, a lot of our listeners. But listen, we're going to help you be able to, what's the word? Something for yourself. 

KAYLA: Help. 

SARAH: No, stand up for yourself in these scenarios, that's still not the word I wanted but close enough. 

KAYLA: You're probably going to live with other people. And you –  

SARAH: And they may be the types of people who – 

KAYLA: Are having sex.

SARAH: Who want to do the do. 

KAYLA: Do the do.

SARAH: I’m still mad because I can’t think of the word I wanted to use. But listen, we're here –  

KAYLA: We're here to help. 

SARAH: I'm really pissed off. I can't remember the word. We're moving on. So what do we think the rules of sextiquette should be? 

KAYLA: See, here's my thing. It’s like, do I want to hear – 

SARAH: Advocate, advocate – 

KAYLA: Oh my God. Anyway, here’s the thing. Do I want to hear my housemates having sex? 

SARAH: No. 

KAYLA: No, but am I going to stop them from having sex in their own room? No, I’m not going to stop them. 

SARAH: No, also like if they're excessively loud, maybe not. 

KAYLA: Well, define excessively loud sex?

(10:00)

SARAH: I don’t know. I don’t know what the standard sex volume is. 

KAYLA: It's different for everyone. 

SARAH: I know. 

KAYLA: Listen, you can't help people advocate for themselves if you're not giving them solid rules. 

SARAH: But I mean, if I were a person who did the do, and I were in my room doing the do with another person, and I knew that my room was near to other people, I would be like, hmm. If I knew those people were there, I would be like hmm, maybe we should make a concerted effort to not be so loud that they can very easily hear us?

KAYLA: Yes. I will say that sometimes it's not something that's completely controllable. 

SARAH: Listen. (laughs) Does it mean you can't try? 

KAYLA: I agree with you. But like, there's no way to have sex silently. 

SARAH: I mean, that's what you think. 

KAYLA: It would be very difficult, I think, to have sex silently. 

SARAH: I don’t know, man. 

KAYLA: Is your bed just like not – Because even if you're not making noise, like the bed is probably moving. Especially if you live in somewhere like our house that’s old and creaky. 

SARAH: Yeah, our house is old and creaky. 

KAYLA: Like you can hear anyone do anything in this house.

SARAH: Yeah. I've learned that I walk very loudly. 

KAYLA: Oh my God, you will not believe how loud Sarah walks. It’s like, I don't know what it is. I think you will like just land with your heel very hard and very first when you're – 

SARAH: Very first (laughs)

KAYLA: It's incredible how loud she walks. Honestly, I've never heard anything like it.

SARAH: Incredible. That's not the point, however. 

KAYLA: I feel like it is.

SARAH: Listen, I just think what’s – Let's talk decibels, Kayla.

KAYLA: Okay, no. Here’s the thing, because when I lived in the dorm and my neighbors on – The bed was right on the opposite side of wall from my bed. So I'd be sitting in bed or sitting at my desk and I was right next to it. But it's not like they were excessively loud, I could just hear it because I was right there. It's not rude of them to be doing that because they were in their own room, the guy's roommate wasn't there – 

SARAH: I find all sex to be rude, Kayla. 

KAYLA: Sarah, no, you don't, that's just not true. They’re in their own room, i9t was not excessively loud. It was just in an unfortunate placement. 

SARAH: Yeah, in comparison to where you were. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I just wasn't pleased about how close they were. But I couldn't be mad at them, because I was like, you're just using your room. 

SARAH: Yeah, listen, only one time in my life have I ever been aware that I was hearing people have sex. 

KAYLA: Really? Oh my God, constantly. After this, I have a story of another time I heard sex. 

SARAH: Oh, good. So it's only happened to me one time where I was fully aware of what was happening that I was hearing. And listen, for me it's extraordinarily uncomfortable because just of like, who I am as a person. So I imagine for some people, especially people who maybe have a lot of sex and are very comfortable with the idea of sex, aren't as bothered by it. But for me, I try and avoid hearing other people have sex at all costs.

KAYLA: Interesting.

SARAH: You know, as one does. 

KAYLA: It's not something I actively seek out. 

SARAH: Ew. I bet –  Oh yeah, some people probably do. 

KAYLA: I'm sure some people do. One time I heard sex, it was in the middle of the night, like 3am. I was at my ex-boyfriend’s but he was still my boyfriend at the time, so it wasn't weird. And we were sleeping, and I woke up because the people – I think it was the people below us in the apartment complex, either they were right next to us, or below us, were having sex. And it wasn't even the sex that was that loud. It was like the guys, they would like have sex for a little bit, you hear like the sex noise and then you hear the guy talking in a very, very, very low voice, but like loud enough that I could hear it and kind of know what they were talking about. But it was just weird –  

SARAH: What were they talking about? 

KAYLA: I don't remember. Honestly. I tried to black out this experience. 

SARAH: Nothing exciting.

KAYLA: Well, probably sex things, I don't know. They would like, you know, it was some squeaking and some moving and some sex vocalizations. And then you would just hear him talking and I was like, can you not? Can we just wrap this up? Like we’ve got to stop and chat about it? And it was like 3am and I woke up to it. And my boyfriend at the time, had been awake before me and I woke up and I was like, what is that? And he was like, oh, I was hoping you wouldn't wake up to it, and I was like dammit. 

SARAH: Oh, no, that's horrible. 

KAYLA: I don’t think I've ever heard anyone having sex that I know, though. Because I think for me, it would be infinitely worse if I knew the person. Every time I've heard sex, it's been like my neighbors who I knew but never talked to. 

SARAH: Yeah, you didn't actually know them – 

KAYLA: Or people that I had no idea who they were. But if I knew them? That's why I like don't want to hear anyone in our house having sex, because those are my best friends. And I support you in your sex life, if you want to have sex, go get it. I'm proud of you, as long as you're being safe, you go get your sex. However, tell me nothing about it. See, that's not true, though, because I talk to you about my sex life. 

SARAH: Yeah, but like – 

KAYLA: But not the details. 

SARAH: It's not a detailed explanation. I don't want a detailed explanation. 

KAYLA: No, I don't want you to have a detailed explanation. But it's like, I don't want to hear it and I don't hear anything about it. 

SARAH: I also don't want to know when it's happening. 

KAYLA: You don't want me next time I have sex to go, hey, I'm about to go upstairs and have sex. You don’t want that?

SARAH: Absolutely not. 

KAYLA: Why not? 

SARAH: Listen –

KAYLA: Hey, Sarah, don't come upstairs. I'm going to be in my room having sex. Just hold off for a little bit. 

SARAH: But you hear the stories of people walking in on their parents.

KAYLA: (gasps)

SARAH: Oh, my God. That must be the worst thing.

KAYLA: I never had that. 

SARAH: Yeah, same. 

KAYLA: I like (vomiting sound) I don't know what I would do with myself. I think I would die. In my mind, my parents have had sex twice. Once to conceive me, and once to conceive my sister. 

SARAH: I just don't like to think about that at all. 

KAYLA: Ew, I hate it. I hate it. 

SARAH: Oh, I’ve got to go.

KAYLA: Nope, nope, nope.

SARAH: I hate it. And like some people – Okay, I'm basing this mostly off of movies but I'm going to imagine that if it happens in movies, it happened to at least somebody. 

KAYLA: At least whoever wrote it. 

SARAH: Where your parents, especially if it's a mother-daughter scenario or a father-son scenario, especially if the parents aren't married. And they're just seeing people that maybe [aren’t] that person's other parent, they will talk to their child about their sex life. 

KAYLA: Like Gilmore Girl, like that kind of situation.

SARAH: Yeah, or like, Friends with Benefits where her mom – 

KAYLA: Yeah, she walks in to them having sex and is talking to her daughter about her sex life. Yeah, never. 

SARAH: Yeah, that would be – I mean, I guess if that's normal for you, that's normal for you. But like, imagine the first time that that happened? 

KAYLA: I mean, yeah. If you're comfortable with your parents talking about your sex life, I'm not shaming you. I just personally – 

SARAH: Yeah, I personally could not.

KAYLA: I would be very uncomfortable. The most I've gone into that is being like, yeah, I don't really like hooking up and that's hard in college. My parents were like, sure. And I was like, good conversation mom and dad. See you in a couple months. 

SARAH: A couple of months?

KAYLA: I don't see them very often. I don’t know. 

SARAH: Incredible. I mean, obviously, me being me there's not much to discuss with my parents. But like, when I was explaining my sexuality to my mom sex did come up a little bit buts it's not – When you're talking about being ace, it's not like you're about like explicit sex thing. It's just being like, hey, there's a lack of attraction there. That's all. 

KAYLA: I know, people that are very open about their sex, like talking to their friends or something. We know people who have a PowerPoint of everyone in their house that is – Like everyone who's – Okay. 

SARAH: It's like a group of friends. 

KAYLA: It's a group of friends and they have a collective PowerPoint with everyone they've had sex with. And there's like pictures for those that they could find – 

SARAH: If they couldn't find a picture, then they have representative photographs. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I think there's a name for most of the people, I don't think there's a name for everyone. So those people are very open about like, hey, guess what I did last night. 

SARAH: I have seen that PowerPoint. 

KAYLA: I haven't and I'm upset about it. 

SARAH: I finally saw it once, I was really excited. But basically they're very open with that and that is chill and I mean, I wanted to see the PowerPoint because – 

KAYLA: I want to see the PowerPoint so bad. 

SARAH: But also like, I could never be that kind of person. 

KAYLA: Also like I wouldn't make a PowerPoint. 

SARAH: Even if I were not ace, I think I would still be like, no, can’t do that.

KAYLA: My PowerPoint would be boring. 

SARAH: Yeah, my PowerPoint is boring. 

KAYLA: Your PowerPoint would have one less slide than mine. 

SARAH: Yeah. Do we have title slides? Do I have one slide?

KAYLA: Yeah, I mean…

SARAH: I’ll have a title slide and then like a final slide, like people I've had sex with and then I'll just go to The End.  

KAYLA: So I'll have three slides then. You’ll have two – 

SARAH: Two slides. 

KAYLA: Hell yeah.

SARAH: Incredible. But yeah, if you're the kind of person who's very open about that and chill with that – 

KAYLA: You know, good for you. 

SARAH: Good for you. I'm just not – 

KAYLA: I’m just not that kind of person.

KAYLA: Also, I feel like if there's a group of friends that is as open as that or talks about it enough, they probably don't care as much about hearing each other have sex.

(20:00)

SARAH: That's what I was just thinking about is like, if you are a person like me or a person like you and you live with a person who's very open about their sex life, how do you bridge those things? 

KAYLA: Yes, we don't really have that. Everyone in our house is pretty level about like, hey, we don't need to talk about this. 

SARAH: Right? And so like, if you live with someone who's very different from you on that front – I'm mostly thinking of how it would feel from the person who's like us in this scenario, because the other person probably wouldn't even realize that there was anything different because there isn’t anything bothering [them] You know? But like, if I were a person who lived with another person who had a lot of very loud sex – 

KAYLA: And I was super awkward about it.

SARAH: And it really bothered me a lot, then what would I do? 

KAYLA: Imagine if you were sex repulsed too, and all these scenarios – Because I'm imagining if you’re sex repulsed and you don't even like thinking about it, that hearing it would be God awful. So like, what if you're a sex repulse person or a sex repulse ace? Like, what the fuck do you do? 

SARAH: For me, it's like, it's okay to think about in the, what's it called? Like in the theoretical? 

KAYLA: The concept of sex.

SARAH: The concept of sex is okay. But when it starts getting concrete, I'm like – 

KAYLA: No, I'm good. 

SARAH: I’ve got to go. Or if it's characters on TV, I'm like, oh, whatever, they're not real characters. And those actors aren't actually having sex. Although sometimes if it’s really – Okay, for one of my classes, I had to watch the first two episodes of Girls, the TV show?

KAYLA: Is it really that explicit?

SARAH: Adam Driver and Lena Dunham, there is a scene in the second episode, where it's like, I, yeah, I was very uncomfortable. Also, I have to watch this other show for one of my other classes and it's a German show. It's called Babylon Berlin, it's very good. It's on Netflix, and you can have English, what are they called?

KAYLA: Subtitles

SARAH: Captions, subtitles, I was about to call them undertitles, because that's a direct translation of the word.

KAYLA: Oh my God.

SARAH: It's great, but there are definitely some boobs, definitely some butts, definitely some kinky shit occasionally.

KAYLA: Kinky shit.

SARAH: And I'm not home that much, so I often have to watch these shows in public and I always put my computer brightness way down and like, I hope no one sees this. This is for school.

KAYLA: Obviously I'm not just watching porn in the middle of this study area.

SARAH: But that, as long as it's not too explicit, I'm okay with it. We've talked about this before, smut I'm okay with. It doesn't really bother because it’s very theoretical, you can't see it – 

KAYLA: Yeah, you have to imagine it if you want to imagine it.

SARAH: Right. But when it gets concrete with real people, especially real people that I know, I'm like (uncomfortable noise).

KAYLA: You’re usually not that bad. When we talk about my sex life, you're not like – 

SARAH: Yeah, but that's because I know this is something that has happened in the past. It's not something that's yesterday – 

KAYLA: Yeah, that’s true.

SARAH: Which is less uncomfortable for me.

KAYLA: To be fair, though, we had a deal – I feel like we might have talked about this before. We had a deal the first time I had sex that I was supposed to text you the I Just Had Sex song by Lonely Island and the line from My Immortal “he put his thingie in my you-know-what and we had sex for the very first time” – 

SARAH: “And we did it for the very first time”.

KAYLA: “And we did it for the very first time”. And I did text you that.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: So to be fair, that was not in the past, that was – 

SARAH: That's the only time I accept that because that's funny – 

KAYLA: That was a good time

SARAH: And also, if you talk about your first time right after it happened, I'm not going to be like, so exactly what happened? 

KAYLA: You did have questions though, you were curious.

SARAH: I was curious but I wasn't like, so I need an A to Z. Please lay it all out. 

KAYLA: Write me a smut piece about the sex you just had. Yikes.

SARAH: Yeah, and this has happened one other time with another friend who also sent the link to I Just Had Sex.

KAYLA: Honestly, if you guys – If anyone listening has yet to have sex but you plan to at some point, I highly suggest picking a friend – 

SARAH: Talk to your friends about this.

KAYLA: Talk to – Pick a friend – 

SARAH: Or don’t and just send it them out of the blue one day.

KAYLA: Ooh, that's potentially even better. Pick a friend or a group of friends you have a group chat with. The first time you have sex, I would highly recommend sending that.

SARAH: Yeah, sending the link to I Just Had Sex’ by Lonely Island. And if you don't know that song you're missing out. It is great.

KAYLA: You should probably go listen to it. But also with no context, just the link, don't say hey, this is me right now.

SARAH: And then watch everyone freak out, so it will be funny.

KAYLA: It is a good time, yeah. 

SARAH: But for me after that it was mostly just like, how was it? Did you enjoy it? Would you do it again? That sort of thing, not like, so exactly what happened? 

KAYLA: No, those were the questions you asked and I was expecting that because you're not someone that wants to ever have sex so I'm assuming she'd be curious what it's like, as someone that's never going to experience it 

SARAH: And also just as a person who was somebody's friend, I want to be like, hey – 

KAYLA: Making sure that – 

SARAH: Was this okay for you? 

KAYLA: Aww, she cares. 

SARAH: Wrong. 

KAYLA: She cares. 

SARAH: I don't, I hate Kayla. 

KAYLA: Interesting. Today's poll, does Sarah actually hate Kayla? 

SARAH: Incredible. So on Dear Hank and John – 

KAYLA: Oh my God.

SARAH: Every episode – They now actually have sponsors, but for the longest time they didn't. And so they would have joke sponsors every episode – 

KAYLA: We should make up sponsors.

SARAH: They would be like, “This episode brought to you by –“ and then they'd reference something that was said in the podcast. And I was really for some reason expecting you to say, “This episode brought to you by Sarah’s hatred for Kayla”.

KAYLA: Sarah just wants you to know how much she hates me, and she wants you to know that so much, that she bought out an ad in our own podcast. She paid me $5 so she could say that in the episode.

SARAH: Incredible

KAYLA: I'm rich. 

SARAH: She's a rich lady. 

KAYLA: A wealthy lady. But yeah, I think that's the difficult thing about living with people who are very different than you on that front because like, how do you approach that situation? I'm uncomfortable with what you do, and that's such a weird thing to say because, well, it's what this other person does, why do you care? But if it is impacting your own life – 

KAYLA: It is hard. Obviously, you can't be like, hey, stop having sex in your own room that you're paying for. But also, if it's really loud sex, or not, if it's just normal, it's also if it's making you uncomfortable, you also live there.

SARAH: And it's also, it’s not like you can just be like, oh, move somewhere else where you can be alone, because it's not realistic. It is not something you can just ask someone. 

KAYLA: No, a lot of people can't afford to live alone and you can't just –  

SARAH: Yeah, just buy a big mansion out in the middle of nowhere, right?

KAYLA: Just so I don't have to hear sex.

SARAH: But how would you approach a situation? Because I'm very non-confrontational and so I don't know what I would do. I might just like, suffer through it forever. And then –

KAYLA: Don't do that. That's how you – 

SARAH: But realistically Kayla what do you think I would do? Other than that? 

KAYLA: Oh, realistically, I think that's what you would do. But I'm telling you right now, you shouldn't do things like that, because that's how you ruin friendships. It would depend if I was really good friends with them, because if there's anyone in this house, who are like my best friends, I would just be like, hey listen. Because it could be easily turned into a joke and everyone would be fine. And I’d just be hey, try to like – 

SARAH: They might be embarrassed for a little bit, but then it would be – 

KAYLA: But then it would be funny, and if you did it nicely, like, hey do you want to just take it down a couple of notches. 

SARAH: Maybe like, calm down.

KAYLA: Alright. But if it was someone that I didn't really know, I've no idea. 

SARAH: Well, then there’s the question of like, do you care that much about your relationship with this person? Because if you don't, then you could just be like, hey – 

KAYLA: Fucking stop. But also, even if you don't care about your relationship with them, you're still living with them. And if you hate someone you live with, that turns into a lot of passive-aggressive shit.

SARAH: If it is a neighbor though, it's not as bad. 

KAYLA: Well yeah, if it's like the apartment next door. But also that's awkward just knocking on their door. It’d be like hey, so I noticed you're having a lot of sex lately, because I can hear it. 

SARAH: I can hear that shit. 

KAYLA: Another thing I have just thought of, for sextiquette, is if you share an actual room with someone – 

SARAH: That's very different. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Because we never had a problem where I was like, hey Sarah, get out of the room because I need to use it for sex. But a lot of people do have that, if you live in a dorm room especially. That's the thing, I was always – I don't know if everyone calls it this, or whether it was just people I know, [who] called it sexiled, you were sexiled from your own room?

SARAH: I think it’s a thing that other people say.

KAYLA: Well okay, I think it's funny. So people getting sexiled from your own room and being like, hey, I need the room from this time to this time. And don't, please don't – 

SARAH: Like the classic put a sock on the door. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Or you just chain the door so they literally couldn't get in if they wanted to. 

SARAH: Yeah. And we have known people who – I've known a couple of people where they have been in the room while the roommate was having sex with someone – 

KAYLA: And they didn't tell them.

SARAH: Yeah. And then we also know someone whose roommate and his girlfriend started having sex with this person in the room. With the knowledge that this person was awake and in the room, they just started having sex.

KAYLA: Yeah, and he came right over to our room because we lived across the hall and was like, hey, can I just hang out with you guys for a little bit? 

SARAH: It was 2 in the morning, mind you, this is the second week of our freshman year.

KAYLA: Was it? 

SARAH: Yes, it was pretty early.

KAYLA: God bless us.

SARAH: Because his roommate got himself a girlfriend right quick. 

(30:00)

KAYLA: And then she stayed over at their dorm every single night. And then the next year, I noticed her being with some other guy. And I was like, oh, she moved on to another guy right quick

SARAH: So our poor friend had to suffer through that whole year for nothing, because they didn't even stay together. 

KAYLA: Yeah. It was, I guess, second week, and it was like 2am, our door was always open because our really good friends live across the hall, in a couple rooms across the hall. So they would just come in and out. So our door was open, we were both doing homework, I guess. Second week of school, I can't imagine what we were doing. 

SARAH: I don't think we were doing homework. I think we were just hanging out.

KAYLA: It was a weekend. We were just hanging out and he comes up the door. And he's like, hey, guys. He was a really quiet kid. 

SARAH: Yeah, we didn't know him super well at this point but we did know him.

KAYLA: Yeah. And he was like, can I just like, hang out with you guys? And we were like, yeah, sure. And he was like, yeah, my roommate just, I think he started having sex. I'm not really sure but they're making noises. I just didn't want – And I was like, yeah, you can live here if you want, like, get yourself out of there. 

SARAH: Yeah, I know someone else who was woken up by their roommate having sex 

KAYLA: Yeah, you can't fall asleep after that 

SARAH: And he was like, do I make it known that I woke up? Or do I pretend to be sleeping? What do you do? 

KAYLA: So obviously don't have sex with someone else in the room.

SARAH: Yeah, unless there's consent all around.

KAYLA: I'm relatively sure I know someone that had sex with their girlfriend while their girlfriend's sister was sleeping on a couch in the same room.

SARAH: What the fuck?

KAYLA: I'm pretty sure that's something that has happened to someone we know. Anyway, so first of all, unless your roommate is like, totally chill with you having sex with them just sitting there, don't do that. But also, there is the etiquette of how to ask to have the room, and how often you should be kicking your roommate out of the room. 

SARAH: Yeah. Or especially if there's two people having sex, or more people having sex – t's this common problem freshman year of college, right, is that most people have roommates because most people live in dorms, at least at our school. I know some schools are more like commuter schools and that's a whole different issue because then you’re living with your parents. But if everyone involved has a roommate, how do you deal with it? 

KAYLA: Yeah, if there's four people, two in each room, and all of you had, like – Who goes where? Because I know someone that their roommate recently started dating a girl down their hall, but the girlfriend lives in a single so they always are just there. Apparently, the roommate is just always in his girlfriend's room now every day of the week so basically, the kid just has a single that looks like a double, tight. But if you don't have that, it's like, the fuck do you do now? 

SARAH: Also, because on our campus, this isn't true on all college campuses but the way housing works in our campus is most people are in a double, which means two people in one square room. 

KAYLA: Yeah, it's usually quite small 

SARAH: It's not a suite situation. It's not like oh, you have your own room and you just have shared amenities, no, you live in the same room and there’s no getting out of it. 

KAYLA: There is usually no bathroom attached. You're in one room, you have two closets that usually don't have doors on them. And then you're just there. 

SARAH: Now I just thought of something else. So in that situation, there are community bathrooms which means that there's a girl’s bathroom and a guy's bathroom usually, depends. Well, if it's like an all-girls floor and an all-guys floor, it doesn't matter. But we lived on co-ed floors. So there was a girl’s bathroom, [and] you had to use your room key and put in a key code to get into the bathroom. 

KAYLA: Right. So there were times – I don't know if I was ever asked, but sometimes someone would like have their significant other over staying the night but their significant other needed to get into the bathroom, but your boyfriend can't get the girlfriend into the bathroom because his key doesn't work in that. So you have to ask someone like hey, can you let my girlfriend like into the bathroom? 

SARAH: And in some situations, that's fine

KAYLA: If it was a friend.

SARAH: We had friends on our floor, so if they had ever asked like, hey, can you let this person in the bathroom, I'd be like, yeah sure 

KAYLA: Because they were really good friends.

SARAH: Sometimes if you loiter, you can just follow someone in.

KAYLA: I did that sometimes when I lost my key, just sit around.

SARAH: Yeah. But if it's the middle of the night, and there's no one around and you don’t wanna wake someone up, they would just go into the bathroom of the – 

KAYLA: Didn't the people that had sex with our friends in the room, have a shower together in the guy’s bathroom?

SARAH: I think so.

KAYLA: I'm relatively sure that happened. Oh another time, they also had sex in the public bathroom on the first floor of our dorm.

SARAH: Jesus Christ.

KAYLA: They did do that.

SARAH: Oh I remember that now, ew. Imagine being the RA, that either someone is like, hey, there are people fucking in the bathroom, or you just walk in and find out. For those of you who aren't American, an RA is – So, in student housing, there's an RA. Residential Assistant? I don't know. They're a person who's older than everyone else who's basically “in charge”. And if you have issues, you go to your RA, there are certain rules that RAs enforce, there's always an RA on duty – 

KAYLA: In case you need them

SARAH: in case there's an emergency. 

KAYLA: Yeah, basically they're there because no one wants to leave a bunch of 18-year-olds completely alone, so they put a 20-year-old in charge of them

SARAH: Yeah. Because this is America and why would you leave adults to fend for themselves?

KAYLA: Sometimes you do need the RA though. Because also RAs are like, if you have a conflict with your roommate, like you get in a fight with them, or they're being offensive to you, you go to your RA. So they are needed in a lot of situations. 

SARAH: Yeah. Also, I wasn't 18 yet. So.

KAYLA: Yes, Sarah was a little infant. 

SARAH: But yeah, so basically, they're the one who would have to deal with that, if it was uncovered that someone was having sex with their significant other, and even if it was someone of the same gender, I think that's just not allowed. 

KAYLA: I think that's illegal. Wouldn't that be public sex at that point? 

SARAH: I don't know. But if there's a lock on the door and you need a keycode.

KAYLA: Yeah, but if, I don't know. But also because we were trying to get our one friend to talk to the RA about like, hey, my roommate has his girlfriend sleeping over every night and it's making you uncomfortable. He never did, because he's the nicest human ever what the fuck. But the RA would have had to sit down with them and be like, hey, can you stop having sex with your girlfriend every night? Like in your guys’ [room]. Please stop. We had friends that, so the way our dorm rooms work at U of M, you can have your bed fully on the ground or half-loft it so it's like three feet off the ground, or fully-lofted, and it's like a lot – 

SARAH: Or you can bunk them. You can have bunk beds.

KAYLA: Or you can bunk them, we never did that. But you can fully loft it so your desk is under your bed and everything. We had friends that one of their beds was half lofted and the other bed was fully lofted and the one guy had a boyfriend that would sometimes come over. And I know they would sometimes – I don't think they ever had sex on the other guy's bed, but they would make out on the other bed because it was half lofted and they didn't feel like getting up into the lofted bed.

SARAH: Also, our freshman year, if you're in a lofted bed, you can sit up straight and not hit your head. But our sophomore year, the ceilings were lower – 

KAYLA: They were so low.

SARAH: So you couldn't sit up all the way.

KAYLA: You couldn't even sit up so imagine having sex when you were literally like a foot away from the ceiling. But also with the beds, when they're lofted, they're very creaky. And they're also twin beds. 

SARAH: Yeah, they're not big. 

KAYLA: They're not big beds. So literally, it's like doing it in your twin bed, however seven feet off the ground, with it rocking around. Having sex in the dorm rooms, I never experienced –  

SARAH: That's not true. 

KAYLA: Having sex in the – Oh wait, okay. 

SARAH: Mmhmm, mmm. Kayla, tell us about the other discovery we made last night.

KAYLA: I once – Okay, so me and Sarah had, well it’s Sarah's futon, but it was in our dorm room freshman and sophomore year 

SARAH: And when I left for Germany, I left the futon for Kayla because she always used the futon – 

KAYLA: I used it more than you did.

SARAH: And I was like, I'm not going to take away the futon so I kindly, I ever so kindly left her my futon to keep in the room when I was not there. And Kayla, what happened? 

KAYLA: Yet again, it was not full sex.

BOTH: (laugh)

KAYLA: But things happened on the futon. I don't know that I ever do anything in my twin bed though. Because I was like, that seems like a bad idea.

SARAH: Yeah, and you had it lofted. (groans)

KAYLA: I feel bad about that one, too. 

SARAH: This was uncovered because we're talking to our housemate about places in the house that were safe from where people [had] had sex on and my bed is not safe because I know that the person who lives in my room previously had sex on that bed. And so I was like, I think the only semi-safe place is my futon, and then Kayla made a face and you know – 

KAYLA: Well because then I realized I could have not said anything, because semi-safe was still true, because I made out with someone on the futon. So it was safeish. 

SARAH: Well, that's why I said semi-safe because I'd known you'd made out with someone on the futon but I did not know – 

KAYLA: (sighs) It wasn't full sex. It was like, third. 

SARAH: Does that – That doesn't make it better.

KAYLA: I'm trying to help you. 

SARAH: It's not helping. 

KAYLA: I tried my best. 

SARAH: I'll never be able to look at that futon the same way again. 

KAYLA: Maybe you'll forget after a while. 

SARAH: I hope so.

KAYLA: Me too.

(40:00)

SARAH: But anyway, the conclusion of this pod is that we have no advice. 

KAYLA: I have no advice. And also, I don't have good sex etiquette. 

SARAH: But also like, advocate for yourself, if you are – Don't be a dick, but – 

KAYLA: If you're uncomfortable in your living situation, don't do what Sarah would do, and sit in denial and get passive-aggressive. 

SARAH: Or don't do what our friend did and just let it happen. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Especially if you're ace, or sex repulsed, and it makes you uncomfortable, do something about it. Because people suck and aren't going to think about it. And so you unfortunately do have to advocate for yourself. 

SARAH: Yeah. Also, if you're the kind of person that's super sex positive, and openly talk about your sex life, and don't care if people hear you, maybe –

KAYLA: Just keep in mind that maybe you don't care if they hear you, but they might care if they hear you. 

SARAH: So keep that in mind. Also, it's probably a really awkward conversation, but if you don't know how someone feels about the fact that they probably hear you having sex all the time, and you know that they probably hear you're having sex all the time, maybe ask them? Which is really awkward and uncomfortable, but they might not feel comfortable going to you. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Just be like hey, so I have sex in my room a lot. Thoughts? Feelings? 

SARAH: Oh, yeah. That's all I've got for this episode. 

KAYLA: I'd like to issue a formal apology to Sarah and our other roommate for my – To be fair, I know people who have done way worse than me. 

SARAH: Oh, yeah, I know. 

KAYLA: So I could be worse.

SARAH: Doesn't mean I like it. 

KAYLA: I know, and I do feel bad, and if you wanted to exact revenge, I would let you do that too. But you don't. 

SARAH: All right. What's our poll for this week? 

KAYLA: How much does Sarah hate Kayla after this episode? 

SARAH: Okay, no, we can do how do you feel about hearing other people have sex?

KAYLA: But no one likes it.

SARAH: Okay, no. But I guess, how would you feel about hearing someone you know well have sex? Options being: it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I strongly dislike it, I don't care

KAYLA: No feelings

SARAH: Or you know, maybe some people enjoy it. I don't know. 

KAYLA: If you do, like I'm having a hard time not shaming you. I'm having a rough time with that. 

SARAH: Or maybe they're just like, into those people. 

KAYLA: The only time I can think of being happy or wanting to hear someone I know having sex is if I was really rooting for them to have sex. 

SARAH: I still wouldn’t want to hear it. 

KAYLA: I wouldn't want to hear it. But I can see that being the only time where I wasn't super mad about it, you know? The only time I wouldn't be like, I hate this, would be because like, oh, this is evidence that what I wanted to happen, is happening. And now that I have that evidence, I would like to go elsewhere. 

SARAH: Yeah, but we're still going to put I like it as an option, because we're not going to shame people too much. 

KAYLA: Not too much. Also, I want to know the tea. 

SARAH: So yeah, how much would you hate it if you heard someone that you knew having sex? That’s the worst things ever happened to me, I strongly dislike it, I don't care or I like it. That's your poll. 

KAYLA: There it is. Oh, man. 

SARAH: You can find up on our Twitter @soundsfakepod.

SARAH: Alright, guys. It's Kayla and Sarah from the future. And by the future. I mean, it's like two minutes later. 

KAYLA: Sarah yelled at me from upstairs and was like hey, forgot something I wanted to talk about. 

SARAH: Okay. Now, for those of you who do follow us on Twitter, you might notice, maybe you don't, I don't know, I’m just saying – 

KAYLA: Maybe you should follow us on Twitter.

SARAH: You should all follow us on Twitter. I just said it what it was in the pod so like, check it out @soundsfakepod but basically, one of our lovely listeners, after we talked about the moon in the last episode, about how the moon was a lesbian, but then in the video, the moon was a gay man – 

KAYLA: Yes the video we watched said that the moon was a gay man. 

SARAH: However, our friend is very strongly held in the belief that the moon is a lesbian. And so this friend wrote us an essay – 

KAYLA: A literal essay – 

SARAH: It's like essay format, structure – 

KAYLA: It’s in a Word doc, it's like a page and a half long. 

SARAH: We shared that essay on our Twitter – 

KAYLA: It’s also on our Tumblr.

SARAH: Yeah, so if you would like to find out all of the reasons why the moon is a lesbian, check it out on our Twitter @soundsfakepod or Tumblr soundsfakepod.tumblr.com. 

KAYLA: I'm hoping – We've been trying to get this friend on the podcast for a while, it's going to happen eventually. I'm hoping that they will do a dramatic reading for us.

SARAH: Oh, yes, please. 

KAYLA: We'll keep you tuned on that. 

SARAH: But yeah, that's all. Back to your regularly scheduled pod ending. 

KAYLA: Interesting. 

SARAH: You can also find us on Tumblr soundsfakepod.tumblr.com – 

KAYLA: Someone sent us a really nice ask recently – 

SARAH: I think you said that before, did we get another one?

KAYLA: No, I told you earlier this week. 

SARAH: Oh, okay. 

KAYLA: It was very nice. Thank you to that person.

SARAH: Anyway, we also have an email soundsfakepod@gmail.com if you want to hit us up.

KAYLA: Send us your horror stories of hearing someone have sex. 

SARAH: Don't send us explicit things about your sex life. 

KAYLA: No, I'm good. I’m very good. Especially if we know you, absolutely don't say anything to me. 

SARAH: But yeah, if you have horror stories of walking in on people – 

KAYLA: If you have walked in on your parents, I want to hear your horror story.

SARAH: Yeah, please tell us the horror stories.

KAYLA: Because I have never experienced that, and do I want to experience that? No, but do I want to hear about you experiencing it? Absolutely. 

SARAH: But also, if you're a person who I know and I also know your parents, don't be too detailed please, because there are some of our friends, we do know their parents. 

KAYLA: In all of these don't be too detail please. 

SARAH: Yeah. Kayla, where can they listen to this podcast, and future and past podcasts?

KAYLA: You can listen on iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio. I think there's one called Castover. 

SARAH: Some places.

KAYLA: There’s PodAddict, I think. I was just looking because a lot of people listen on places that I never say and I've never heard of. Cat something box? Oh, I don't know. You can find it really anywhere, if you have an iPhone it's there, if you have an Android it's on Google Play or SoundCloud. We're there, leave us a review and a comment and the like. That'd be super nice. 

SARAH: Hell yeah. We also have a Patreon, that's patreon.com/soundsfakepod where you can give us money.

KAYLA: These people pay to hear this shit. Can you believe it?

SARAH: So for our $5 patrons, we have Sydney Mook, her Instagram is @sydneymoo. Then we have Jennifer Smart, Jennifer Smart can be found on YouTube by looking up Lehen Productions. Then we have Asritha Vinnakota, we're using her last name now because she hasn't yelled at us. Maybe she didn't hear it, I don't know.

KAYLA: She's fine.

SARAH: Her Instagram is @asritha_v. 

KAYLA: I was just stalking her Instagram today.

SARAH: That’s exciting. Our $10 is Emma. Emma can be found on YouTube by looking at Emma R Fink. Thank you for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. 

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.