Ep 140: Reasons to Have Sex
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey what's up hello, welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, reasons to have sex.
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: M’little pony, m’little pony.
SARAH: Oh, okay.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Um, Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: Oh, sick transition. She didn't even want to talk about it.
SARAH: I didn't even want to talk about it.
KAYLA: Didn't even want to talk about it. Uh, let's see. So, I believe this is the rare time where we say, oh, that would make a good episode, and then we actually do it. Is that correct?
SARAH: Yeah, and promptly, too.
KAYLA: And promptly, just the next week. Can you tell that we are running out of ideas?
SARAH: We're always running out of ideas.
KAYLA: We're always running out of ideas.
SARAH: Listen, this is episode what? 140?
KAYLA: Something like that. It's been almost three years. Did you know we're turning three at the end of this month?
SARAH: Listen. So many things a person can say.
KAYLA: Listen. So this week we are sharing some reasons that perhaps you or someone else would have sex that is not sexual attraction.
SARAH: Because, as we discussed last week, you know, the sexual actions you take and your sexual orientation are not necessarily related. They don't have to be.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Uh, and so, we're going to list some reasons this week why a person, maybe who's ace, might have sex, uh, if they're not sexually attracted to someone. Or maybe a person who's not ace. Who the fuck cares?
KAYLA: Who's to say?
SARAH: Who is to say? Uh, Kayla, would you like to start us off?
KAYLA: I would love to, because I just thought of a, as usual, I like to do these off the cuff. I like to just throw them out. Uh, and I just thought of a very good one. Now it will take a backstory.
SARAH: Okay, hit me with it.
KAYLA: That you know, but perhaps they don't. Or perhaps they do, maybe we've talked about it. I don't know, it's been three years. We used to live in a house, in a collection of houses. So, we lived in a house called the Hollow, because it was a Quidditch house. There was also a house in our cohort called the Burrow. There was another Quidditch house. And there was something called Burrow Quest and Hollow Quest.
SARAH: I hate it
KAYLA: And I… we did not participate.
SARAH: By the time we were in the Hollow, Hollow Quest didn't really exist anymore.
KAYLA: Yeah, it was kind of before our time. The classes above us were a bit scandalous, which is their right.
SARAH: They were wild and we love them.
KAYLA: And we do love them. So, basically it was a quest to have sex in as many rooms of the house as possible, including bedrooms that were not yours. So, I think perhaps a reason you would have sex with someone if you were not sexually attracted to them is that you saw an opportunity of like, this person is here, that room is open right now, I'm like almost done with this quest, I do want to win and so we need to just get this done.
SARAH: You want to win Burrow Quest.
KAYLA: Yes. So, that's my first one, I think it's very good.
SARAH: That checks out. That's excellent. I mean, I kind of figured you would start with something a little bit simpler than that.
KAYLA: Well I...
SARAH: I didn't write down the easy ones.
KAYLA: I thought I was going to as well, but that just popped into my mind and I just had to… I simply had to say it.
SARAH: So, I'm just going to go through mine and then you can list the easy ones next if you want.
KAYLA: Okay, alright.
SARAH: Okay. Another reason to have sex if you're not sexually attracted to someone, make baby.
KAYLA: Make baby.
SARAH: Make baby.
KAYLA: Cook baby.
SARAH: You might have to have sex a couple of times for the baby to get made.
KAYLA: And now this is not the only way to get baby.
SARAH: Absolutely not.
KAYLA: But it is a way.
SARAH: And not all sex makes baby.
KAYLA: No. Sometimes very hard to have baby.
SARAH: Indeed. Especially if, for example, it's two cisgender men.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: That sex will not make baby.
KAYLA: That will not make baby.
SARAH: No. Anyway, what other reasons?
KAYLA: Well, I guess now I have to, see… you're right, I shouldn't have done it this way because now I have to go back to the boring ones.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because it feels, it can feel good.
SARAH: Nice.
KAYLA: It simply can feel good. And you don't have to be sexually attracted to someone. Your body still do work.
SARAH: Still do that thing.
KAYLA: Even if you think the person ugly.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Or rude.
SARAH: Yeah. You know, another reason is you could revenge fuck someone. It's not healthy, but it is an option.
KAYLA: That's very good.
SARAH: Just saying.
KAYLA: I would not suggest it personally that you do that, but that is very good
SARAH: Yeah. I'm really stopping myself from making a Schitts Creek reference right now, thank you.
KAYLA: Okay. I think another reason, I feel like there's a lot of challenges we could go through, but like the mile high club, if you... So, that's when you have sex in a plane. So, if you saw the opportunity, like no one is looking, we can both sneak in the bathroom, we can like do this, like... I don't know.
SARAH: I think you're really missing some of the other really easy ones that you said in last week's episode.
KAYLA: Well, I'll get back to them. We don't have to do this in order.
SARAH: Okay. Uh, another reason? I don't know, maybe you're having trouble falling asleep apparently after people fuck their sleepy? I don't know.
KAYLA: I mean, that will go into my next one, which is exercise. And usually, you're kind of tired after exercise.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, you could just be like, exercise, sleepy, take nap.
SARAH: Take nap. Another reason is, so, last week we mentioned how according to someone somewhere mopping a floor and having sex is the same amount of exertion. So, like, maybe you need to mop your floor, but you don't want to mop your floor. So, you're like, hmm, what can I do that would be funner than mopping the floor, but would exert a similar amount of energy so that I would still feel accomplished? Sex
KAYLA: That's good. If you don't want to be like, I've been super lazy today, I haven't done anything, you can be like, well, at least I did have sex today.
SARAH: I did have sex.
KAYLA: And that's an activity.
SARAH: That is an activity.
KAYLA: I think you could do it if you are in a relationship and your partner enjoys sex and they're like, would you like to do this? And you're like, I'm not necessarily sexually attracted to you, but I like you very much and I don't mind sex, so, let's do it.
SARAH: That is very similar to my next one, which is you want to feel close to someone.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: It’s very simple. I mean, you'll probably be physically very close to that person.
KAYLA: And listen...
SARAH: In the process of sexing.
KAYLA: Yes, you do have to be close. And do you need to have sex to feel close to someone? No.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: It's not necessary, but as someone who has done the sex, sometimes it do make you feel close to someone.
SARAH: Tea
KAYLA: Tea. If you're bored.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like if the power goes out or stuck in house because of coronavirus.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Don't have anything to do.
SARAH: Yeah, that's fair. It takes up time, you know?
KAYLA: It does. Something to do.
SARAH: It is an activity.
KAYLA: It is something to do.
SARAH: Another reason that you might have sex is to spite your super religious parents.
KAYLA: Ooh, that's very good.
SARAH: Just to be like, you know what, fuck you. I'm not a heathen. And even if I was, you should still love me anyway. Don't be a dick. You know, just like that.
KAYLA: I'm going to go get this dick, but don't be a dick.
SARAH: I'm going to go get this dick.
KAYLA: I think a reason people have sex is when you are in a porn.
SARAH: Yeah. Got to make that cash money.
KAYLA: I highly doubt all of those people are sexually attracted to each other. But they do be having a lot of sex in porn, I've been told.
SARAH: They do. Yeah. I mean, you got to make that green, that cash money. Do what you got to do
KAYLA: You do need the cash money.
SARAH: This one is not on my list and it's actually going to interrupt a bit of a collection of mine that go together.
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: But prostitute.
KAYLA: I was just going to say that. That was going to be my next one. Prostitute.
SARAH: Prostitute.
KAYLA: Cash money
SARAH: You can't tell me that… You cannot tell me that every single person a sex worker has ever had sex with, they are sexually attracted to each other.
KAYLA: There is literally no way. There's just simply no way.
SARAH: Legalize sex work anyway.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: Legalize it for real. It's... you guys. Um... well you took mine. I think another reason you could do it is you know how there's the stereotype of you're at a wedding and you're a bridesmaid and then you're like, I'm going to hook up with a groomsman? You know how that's a thing?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: You could be like, you know, none of these groomsmen are particularly my thing. I'm not really sexually attracted to them, but it's on my bucket list to fulfill that fantasy.
SARAH: And like who knows the next time I'm going to be a bridesmaid, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah, because it doesn't happen often, I don't think. I've never been a bridesmaid.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, here's the question. So, now this could apply to queer people or it could just apply to people who have mixed gender wedding parties. What if it's a person who's in the same wedding party as you? So, say it's a bride and a groom, but you're a gay woman and you want to hook up with another one of the bridesmaids.
KAYLA: Then do it. I was being very heteronormative in my picturing of a wedding.
SARAH: I'm just thinking, like does that still meet the whole bridesmaid hooking up with the groomsman? Does it still apply if you're hooking up with someone who's on the same side of the family?
KAYLA: I think that's even more scandalous. I think part of the fantasy is it's like, he he he, so, scandalous. Because you're doing it within a friend group.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, I think that's even more.
SARAH: Even more.
KAYLA: Because you're… even in the smaller friend group.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Okay. Also, you know what's bullshit? When people are like, well, for the wedding parties the groom can only have men and the bride can only have women.
KAYLA: That's pretty dumb.
SARAH: Fuck you. Fuck you.
KAYLA: Evan is going to be my bridesmaid.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay. Another reason, so, previously I said you could have sex despite your religious parents. If you're queer, you could have sex despite your homophobic parents.
KAYLA: Ooh, that's very good.
SARAH: And even if, say, you're bi and your parents are like, you have been a heathen because you've had sex with people of the same gender, you could, say you're a bi woman, you could go fuck a man and be like
KAYLA: Now what, motherfuckers?
SARAH: I'm fucking bi, bitch, what do you want from me? Or it could be, you know, a queer sex situation where you're like, fuck you, but actually fuck this person, I'm fucking consensually.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I just had one and I forgot. Shoot, I feel like it was a good one.
SARAH: I have one.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: To spite literally anyone, like anyone…
KAYLA: You already said revenge fucking, though.
SARAH: But revenge fucking and spite fucking is not the same thing. Revenge fucking is often like you might be getting revenge on the person that you are fucking, whereas if you're fucking someone to spite people, it's probably to spite someone else, not to spite the person that you're fucking. I think there's a fine line between revenge fucking and spite fucking.
KAYLA: I guess. I thought of mine again.
SARAH: Tell me more.
KAYLA: So, maybe you're an identical twin. And your twin has sex with someone else who's also an identical twin and then you're like I would like to complete this circle and have sex with the other twin.
SARAH: Yeah, another option was, have you seen that thing where the question is like, okay, if you were cloned, would you fuck your clone?
KAYLA: You could fuck your clone.
SARAH: You could fuck your clone. I mean, maybe you're sexually attracted to yourself, but maybe you're not.
KAYLA: But you could still do it, it is feasible.
SARAH: You could still fuck your clone. You know, recently I was taking one of those random internet quizzes, and that was one of the questions, and it gave, you know like there's those standard options where it's like, “yes, I would like to know what it would be like to have sex with myself,” or like, “no, that's gross that's still me,” or like, “no, because it would be like fucking my twin,” or like, you know, there's all these answers. And I was like, why isn't there an option for I'm ace?
KAYLA: No, I don't want to have sex with anyone.
SARAH: No, I just, I don't want that. So, I picked the one that was closest to I just don't want to fuck myself, but I don't want to fuck any person or clone of a person.
KAYLA: I just don’t want to fuck. That's fair.
SARAH: This is the real Clone Wars, kids.
KAYLA: Oh. I think you could have sex with when they eventually find like intelligent alien life. And eventually, we like are like…
SARAH: We want to try a crossbreed.
KAYLA: Yeah, we're like two societies that work together and we like trade and stuff. And they're like, we would like to see what happens if there is a mixed child and you're like, I volunteer.
SARAH: Human, alien, bam. That would be a Hale-ian child. Or a…
KAYLA: Hale-ium.
SARAH: Hale-ium.
KAYLA: Hale-ium.
SARAH: Um, Kayla, I'm absolutely shocked you haven't said this one yet. I'm only saying it because I've gotten to the end of my list that I've pre-prepared.
KAYLA: I know. What have I done?
SARAH: You're cold.
KAYLA: Oh, I did think of that one earlier and then I forgot it.
SARAH: You said that last week.
KAYLA: I’m so dumb
SARAH: If you are cold and maybe you don't have power or maybe you can't turn your heat up anymore, it's just impossible. Maybe your heat is broken. Maybe you're just in the Arctic.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: You know, have sex for warming purposes.
KAYLA: Yes. I think you could have sex if you feel physically empty.
SARAH: Oh?
KAYLA: And I'm not saying every type of sex involves an insertion of some kind. That's not true. But I think several types of sex does. So, if you physically feel like, I would like something currently inside of me.
SARAH: So, you're not saying like, you know, feeling emotionally empty.
KAYLA: No, not literally. And not like hungry like my stomach is empty. Like quite literally, you feel physically empty.
SARAH: You're like, why?
KAYLA: I need to be full. Like I'm an empty jar and I would like to be full of this dick.
SARAH: I hate that. I hate it.
KAYLA: It’s so funny
SARAH: I don't like that at all.
KAYLA: I thought it was quite funny.
SARAH: Oh god, now I'm just having to think of things. A reason you could have sex is because you are the last two people on Earth…
KAYLA: How did we not think of that before?
SARAH: And you would like to maintain the human race. And you just, you got to fuck.
KAYLA: Do you think Adam and Eve were like, do you think they even liked each other? Or if they hated each other?
SARAH: I feel like, I mean if we want to follow stereotypes, I think Adam really liked Eve and Eve was like fuck you.
KAYLA: I think Eve was a lesbian.
SARAH: Eve was probably a lesbian.
KAYLA: My headcanon is that Eve was a lesbian.
SARAH: She was like, I'd rather eat this fucking apple than fuck you.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: So, too bad.
KAYLA: What if, now here's another backstory. Does it involve more Quidditch people? Yes. What if you and your friends all have a PowerPoint with all of the people you fucked in it? This is something, we know people that have this. And you just feel like you don't have enough slides and the big PowerPoint presentation is on Friday and you're like, I've got to get more. My part of the presentation is lacking. And so, you have to just quickly find someone to fuck consensually.
SARAH: Another reason you might have sex with someone is because you just want more experience. You want to get better at it, you know?
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: So, you just like, practice makes perfect.
KAYLA: Because you don't want to practice on someone that you're actually attracted to. Because that has higher stakes. You want to pick someone where you're like, this doesn't matter what happens to me.
SARAH: Yeah. You're just like, I would like this to happen so that I can improve my skill set.
KAYLA: Huh. I think this is... I don't know if this is a reason you should have sex, but...
SARAH: We're not saying reasons you should have sex, we're saying reasons you could have sex.
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: Could. Yes. These are not suggestions. These are just thoughts. If you really want to lose your virginity, which you should not feel pressured to do because as we have discussed...
SARAH: Virginity is a construct.
KAYLA: It doesn't exist and it shouldn't matter as much as it does. But if you really feel like I just need to get the first time over with because I'm nervous about it or I need more experience like Sarah just said... Maybe you just pick someone that you're not necessarily attracted to but it is consensual and you're like, it's time.
SARAH: Or maybe it's like, you're my friend and I trust you and I want to have my first time be with someone that I know I really trust.
KAYLA: I do actually, I feel like I know people that that has kind of happened to.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: This is another reason, I guess. Now I'm just jumping on top of your turn. But if you're like, I'm... I feel like maybe you're bi and you're like, but I've only ever had sex with men and I know I'm attracted to women but I've never had sex with a woman and I would like to see what it's like. And so, maybe you find a friend or some other random person and you're like, time to try.
SARAH: Time to experience.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Another reason you might have sex that doesn't have to do with sexual attraction. We kind of talked about this one last week, but like, say you're on a deserted island with another person, and it's not about procreating and maintaining humanity, but you just like, you really feel like you want to fuck and you are not attracted to the other person or…
KAYLA: Horny
SARAH: People on the island, but you're just like, you know what, fuck it. Fuck them, really.
KAYLA: If you're horny, and there's no one…
SARAH: Bonk.
KAYLA: If you want to bonk, and there's no one that you're attracted to around, you might still just be like, well, I need to get this done, because I want to bonk really bad.
SARAH: You might still bonk. Just a bonk.
KAYLA: You might have just gotten a new sex toy you're very excited about, and you're really excited to try it, you're like, I just got this, I simply cannot wait.
SARAH: But it's the sort of thing where you need another person for it to work its best.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's not like a solo sex toy, it's like a together sex toy. And you're so excited to use it and there's no one that you're really attracted to around, but your urge to use this is so great that it doesn't even matter.
SARAH: Yeah, maybe a reason one might have sex is, say you gave birth somewhat recently, and you're like, hmmm...
KAYLA: I need Irish twins?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Irish twins?
SARAH: No, this isn't about procreation, I already said make baby.
KAYLA: Well, but this is a specific baby.
SARAH: I'm just saying, this is a person who recently gave birth, and they're at the point now where they're allowed to have sex again, and they can, right? So, they're like, hmmm, I just kind of want to make sure everything down there still works. Like, you know, sometimes when people give birth, their asshole rips open.
KAYLA: It does, do you know, dear listener, that sometimes an entire rip from front to back of the crotch simply just rips?
SARAH: That happened to Chrissy Teigen.
KAYLA: It's horrendous, and they have to stitch your crotch up.
SARAH: Yup. And maybe the person's like, I just want to make sure everything down there is feeling okay.
KAYLA: Honestly, that makes sense to me because I've thought about that before, because that has happened to people, and then you're thinking about it, and you're like, how do you ever have sex again? Like how?
SARAH: There’s only one way to find out
KAYLA: Like literally, I hope I never have to find out.
SARAH: Ask Chrissy Teigen.
KAYLA: Yeah, let me just pull her up on my phone. Let me just call Chrissy Teigen to the podcast. Friend of the pod, Chrissy Teigen.
SARAH: Friend of the pod, Chrissy Teigen.
KAYLA: Uh, maybe, I guess this is a type of like, spite or revenge, but maybe your roommate often has sex really loud, and it's very annoying, and you see a golden opportunity like, oh, they're really trying to like, study for that test, I bet they hate if there was some loud noise, I'm just going to find this person who's willing to have sex with me, and now is the time to be loud and annoy my roommate.
SARAH: Yeah. No, I think along those lines, it could also be a situation of, um, this is also like a spite or revenge situation where you would be, where you would like I want to fuck every person that this other person has also fucked.
KAYLA: Mm. There's a name for that too.
SARAH: I don't know what it is.
KAYLA: Eskimo something?
SARAH: Oh, you're Eskimo sisters if you fucked the same person.
KAYLA: Yes. What a problematic name.
SARAH: Yeah, very. Um, but you know, there's a person in your life who you're just like, ha ha, fuck you, I want to fuck everyone that you fucked. Or you could be like, hey, I want us to feel close to one another.
KAYLA: Oh god.
SARAH: Without fucking each other.
KAYLA: I have a really good one.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: This is more revenge and spite, but perhaps you have like this mortal enemy. Like, me and Sarah are like high school rivals, we're on the cheerleading team and we hate each other.
SARAH: What are you? Are you a flyer?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay, what am I? I’m a Tumblr
KAYLA: Yeah, you're a Tumblr. Please, Sarah, focus up.
SARAH: I would love to be a flyer, but I think I'm too big.
KAYLA: You're too strong. You're too strong to not be on the bottom.
SARAH: I'm too big to be a flyer.
KAYLA: I don't think it's the big part. I think you like literally it would be a waste of your muscles for you to not be like supporting and lifting people.
SARAH: Okay. But my back. And my wrist.
KAYLA: Well, that's your problem. Anyway, we are mortal enemies on the cheerleading team. I know that you, this is very heteronormative, just work with me here, people.
SARAH: Yeah, I’m working with you.
KAYLA: I know that you have the biggest crush on the quarterback.
SARAH: Chad.
KAYLA: Chad. You have the biggest crush on Chad, the quarterback of our Texas football team. All-American, Texas football team. We have the biggest Texas cheerleading hair. And my hair is better than yours and you hate me for it and I hate you.
SARAH: Yeah, it would be. You have so much more hair than I do.
KAYLA: I know. And so, I know you have the biggest crush on Chad and I know that Chad doesn't like you back. And do I think Chad is cute? Honestly, no. Why? I'm gay.
SARAH: Yeah, I was going to say maybe you're a secret lesbian.
KAYLA: Maybe I'm a secret lesbian. And I'm like, I actually don't find Chad attractive at all.
SARAH: Or maybe you just don't fucking like Chad.
KAYLA: Or that. But I like that this is I'm a lesbian. And I'm like, I hate Sarah so much that I'm going to fuck Chad and tell everyone about it because I know it'll make Sarah mad because she has the biggest crush on Chad. And maybe Sarah knows I'm a secret lesbian. And so it makes her even angrier because she knows for a fact I don't even like him.
SARAH: Yeah, but I'm not like a dick so I'm not going to out you.
KAYLA: No. But that's what keeps me on my toes.
SARAH: I'm just quietly seething.
KAYLA: See, but that's the thing about our enemieship. That's like your secret move. I know that you know. And so, I'm always a little bit afraid of you because I'm like, I know she has this leverage. Or she could out us to our Christian Texas school…
SARAH: And your flying pyramid.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Yeah. Wow. What a journey we just went on.
KAYLA: What a picture we painted. So, anyway, that's a reason.
SARAH: Wow, my brain is just blank after that. Okay.
KAYLA: Smooth brain.
SARAH: Reasons to have sex that are not because of sexual attraction.
KAYLA: I just thought of one
SARAH: Go for it.
KAYLA: So, you know how if you are someone that shaves your legs, like right after you shave your legs, they're like so soft?
SARAH: Yeah, I haven't shaved my legs in so fucking long.
KAYLA: Yeah, me either. It's truly wild.
SARAH: It's dumb. Who cares?
KAYLA: Truly no one. But I'm always like, if I'm around people, I'll do this even to my mom. I'll be like, mom, I just shaved my legs. Feel my legs. But I feel like an even more extreme version of that is be like, I'm so smooth. My body's so smooth. Let's have smooth body sex.
SARAH: I just got a Brazilian wax.
KAYLA: I just got my whole body lasered. I have no hair on my body.
SARAH: I am so smooth.
KAYLA: I am smooth. I am going to go oil myself up. I'm going to be so smooth and slippery. Let's do this.
SARAH: Like an eel.
KAYLA: I'm going to slip right out of the bed. I'm going to just shoot out the bed. Let's do it. You're not going to be able to hold onto me. I'm just going to wiggle right out of your hands.
SARAH: Yeah. Another reason you might have sex, even if you're not sexually attracted to a person, is say you want to see if a certain type of sex is physically possible. Like you've heard about it. Maybe you've read about it in Cosmopolitan.
KAYLA: What's the book? The sex book?
SARAH: The Kama Sutra?
KAYLA: The Kama Sutra
SARAH: Or maybe you read it in a horrible romance novel and you're like, I don't know that that's possible. So, you and your friend are like, let's try. Or you and a stranger, I guess.
KAYLA: You and anyone.
SARAH: Maybe you and a stranger both really like romance.
KAYLA: Or you put out a want ad on…
SARAH: Wanted?
KAYLA: Craigslist and you're like, looking for...
SARAH: Yeah, someone who has read Bear on a Mission and has intimate details of how the sex works in that book and wants to recreate it with me to see if it's possible.
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: Yes. Maybe. This is another challenge one. You're like, I want to have sex with someone from every state. I feel like I know someone who does keep track of that.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: I don't know who it is. But I feel like I know someone who keeps track of the state that the people they fuck are from. Maybe you're just trying to get every state.
SARAH: Yeah, it's like when you collect quarters. You try to collect a quarter from every state, like you're trying to collect a fuck from every state.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: You could try and collect a fuck from every country. I don't know that that one would be possible. Like physically it's possible. Culturally it might be a much more difficult barrier.
KAYLA: Culturally, hard. There's a lot of countries, also.
SARAH: There's so many countries. I can think of a couple that might just be hard to get. From an American standpoint, might be hard to get. But I believe in you. You can do it.
KAYLA: I think you can have sex with someone if you are an undercover spy and you're trying to infiltrate the mafia or what have you. And you're like, I need to gain trust of this person so I have to pretend to be their new girlfriend and I have to fuck them.
SARAH: That's a great one. That is a great one. Maybe you decide that... no, that was going to be way too stupid.
KAYLA: Well now you have to say it.
SARAH: No, it's like genuinely bad.
KAYLA: No, but now you have to say it.
SARAH: It doesn't even make sense really.
KAYLA: Well...
SARAH: What if you were like, I'm going to have sex on every major peninsula in the country.
KAYLA: That's so specific.
SARAH: I know. And you're like, here I am in Florida. I don't actually know anyone in Florida.
KAYLA: That's so specific.
SARAH: But I need to find someone to have sex with.
KAYLA: I mean, it does make sense what you're saying. It's just incredibly specific.
SARAH: I was staring at a picture of Michigan and I was inspired.
KAYLA: Let's see. Let's see here. Maybe...
SARAH: Oh, I have a great one.
KAYLA: Well, now it's my turn. Maybe you are superstitious and before the big basketball game, every time you've done really good in the big basketball game, you've happened to have sex the night before. But maybe it's like an away game, you don't know anybody, but you're like, I simply have to do it.
SARAH: Yeah. I mean, what if I'm not superstitious but I'm a little stitious?
KAYLA: You can still do it.
SARAH: Okay. I think another option is, say you decided you wanted to fuck every Food Network chef. And like the only one that you're really sexually attracted to is Guy Fieri obviously
KAYLA: Obviously. Obviously
SARAH: You know, you're just like, you know, I think this is fucking heavy.
KAYLA: Not Barefoot Contessa?
SARAH: Maybe Barefoot Contessa. But you're just like, you know that if you have sex with them, you'll get secret recipes. And so, you're like, I'm going to make a restaurant with all of the secret sex recipes from all of the Food Network chefs, and I need all of them. But I'm only sexually attracted to Guy Fieri and Barefoot Contessa.
KAYLA: To Guy Fieri and Barefoot Contessa, which makes sense, obviously.
SARAH: You know, I didn't know until I was in college that her name is not Contessa.
KAYLA: That's not a name.
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I'm pretty sure Contessa is a title, I think. Like a political title.
SARAH: I didn't know that, obviously. Her name's Ina.
KAYLA: I know, Ina Garner, I know.
SARAH: Ina Garten, excuse you.
KAYLA: Whatever. Contessa. Did you think her first name was Barefoot? First name, Bare, middle name, Foot.
SARAH: I thought her name was Contessa and that she was Barefoot.
KAYLA: My name is Contessa. Bare Contessa.
SARAH: Bare F Contessa.
KAYLA: Oh no, now you made me forget mine. Oh, I remember. What if there's someone in the world who holds the Guinness World Record for being best at sex?
SARAH: That's not objective and you cannot define.
KAYLA: I simply said what if. And as you know, Sarah, we are very objective on this show so I think I can say that.
SARAH: Also, hold on, I have some questions.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Do all of the people at the Guinness World Records have to have sex with this person?
KAYLA: Yes. So, what if, well here are two scenarios, A, what if you're a judge in Guinness World Records and so you have to have sex with them.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: B, what if this person is so good that there's a waiting list to have sex with them? You know how there's waiting lists for really good restaurants that are years long?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, maybe there's this waiting list. And maybe you're not actually attracted to them, but you're like, this is going to be the best sex.
SARAH: I got to know
KAYLA: It's literally the best sex in the world.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: You know, I mean, Sarah, objectively there is someone in the world that's best at sex. There has to be someone that's best at it.
SARAH: I mean, there may, I guess that depends on how you define as best at sex.
KAYLA: Well, yeah.
SARAH: Like best at a certain act in sex?
KAYLA: Well, it would change…
SARAH: Best at paying attention to what their partner wants?
KAYLA: Well, it would change by the person. Like the person that I think is best, that I would find best in the world at sex, might be different than someone else. But for each person…
SARAH: That's not objective, then.
KAYLA: For each person, there is, like, in the world that does exist.
SARAH: But they don't necessarily know who it is, because they would have sex with everyone in the world to know.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, I'm not saying they do, I'm just saying theoretically, like that is a truth.
SARAH: And you know what? I think theoretically that's dumb.
KAYLA: Well, obviously you do.
SARAH: No, I just think that… I think your whole perspective on that is dumb.
KAYLA: You think my theory… I'm just trying to be a philosopher over here, and you're not having it with any of my big ideas.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Well, that's lame.
SARAH: Maybe you go back in time to talk to a philosopher. Like Kant, maybe. Or maybe you're going to be like, I'm going to fucking… not a philosopher, but I'm going to go Freud. See what's up there.
KAYLA: God. Who's to say what's up there?
SARAH: Like, you talk about sex. Are you good at it?
KAYLA: Probably not. There's no way. He was so weird.
SARAH: I don't know that Kant actually talks about sex.
KAYLA: I was talking about Freud.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: Freud has such bad opinions about sex. There's no way he was good at it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: What if you are a Foley artist, so you're the one that makes the sound effects for movies, and usually it's weird things they use to make the noises. Like to make the sound of rain…
SARAH: Chicken
KAYLA: They often don't use water. Yeah, to like slap, they'll use a chicken.
SARAH: They'll like slap meat. Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. So, what if you've been trying, there's this sex scene in the movie you're working on, and you've been trying for days to find the right sound effect. And this time you're like, you know what, I know we usually don't use the thing that it is, but this time I might have to. So, you call in your assistant, and you're like, Greg, do you consent to this? And Greg's like, yeah, I mean, we have to do it. And so, you do.
SARAH: Um, okay. My question is, was there not a sound person on set to get the sound from the actual shoot?
KAYLA: No. It's a silent. It was filmed silently.
SARAH: It was filmed silently.
KAYLA: Yeah, the Foley guy on this one actually has a lot of work, because it was filmed with no sound, and all of it comes out in post. All of the sound is in post.
SARAH: Like all of the dialogue is ADR.
KAYLA: Yeah, all of the sound is in post.
SARAH: Oh, wow
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: They just, the boom guy quit. Like he quit. And they had, they only had the sound.
SARAH: So, they said sound is fucking cancelled.
KAYLA: They only had the space rented for that day, and they needed that space to film, and so they just had to do it.
SARAH: Wow, they couldn't have anyone try and do sound.
KAYLA: No. He took the, it was his boom, and he took it with him when he quit.
SARAH: Well, the bigger issue is not the boom, but the sound recorder.
KAYLA: Well, he took that with him.
SARAH: Okay. I would also, say, I mean, I guess it is possible that the audio they got was just shit.
KAYLA: No, they just didn't get it.
SARAH: I'm just saying that like, even if there is a situation where it's not like…
KAYLA: I know, but I was… Sarah, I was there. I was there.
SARAH: Oh, I didn't know you were there. I'm so sorry.
KAYLA: I was the director, and it was, let me tell you, it was so stressful that day on set.
SARAH: So, you made the call to have it be sound in post only?
KAYLA: I had to. You don't understand. I had to.
SARAH: So, you were directing a porno?
KAYLA: No, there was just a sex scene. You've directed a movie with a sex scene before, ma'am.
SARAH: Yeah, but there weren't sex noises.
KAYLA: That's not my fault.
SARAH: I don't know where to go from there.
KAYLA: Well, that sounds like a personal problem. I have one.
SARAH: Go for it.
KAYLA: Maybe. And we talked about this last week. We talked about orgies for a long-time last week. Did I get a DM from someone telling me the logistics of an orgy?
[00:40:00]
SARAH: Oh, I still haven't read that. I'll read it after we record.
KAYLA: It's very intere... Let me tell you, the logistics that seem to go into it is very unsexy. Which I guess it makes sense that there would have to be a lot of logistics and planning. So unsexy.
SARAH: Yeah. I was watching Succession recently and there was a scene where everyone was just standing around awkwardly prior to family therapy. And one of the sons goes, this kind of feels like the beginning of an orgy. It's just a little bit awkward.
KAYLA: I have to imagine
SARAH: You haven't gotten into it yet.
KAYLA: You know, I was thinking that, so, the person was basically saying that there's a lot of texting the week before with like, this person will do this, this person won't do that. You know, all of the good consent things.
SARAH: You also have to know the boundaries.
KAYLA: Yeah, so, there's a lot of boundary setting, which is very good to hear.
SARAH: Good
KAYLA: However unsexy it might be. I always imagine orgies as somehow very spontaneous, which obviously cannot be the case.
SARAH: If it's a properly consented…
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Situation where everyone feels safe and comfortable, it's probably going to have to be planned.
KAYLA: Right. And they plan who brings the snacks and whatever I was told. Where was I going with this?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Anyway, there might be someone at the orgy...
SARAH: Maybe you're not sexually attracted to everyone at the orgy.
KAYLA: There's like, I feel like it's very low probability that you're sexually attracted to every single person at the orgy.
SARAH: Yeah, because even if you're pan, that doesn't mean you're attracted to every person on earth.
KAYLA: No, I'm not attracted to every man on earth.
SARAH: You could be.
KAYLA: Just the possibility is there.
SARAH: The possibility is there. Uhhh...
KAYLA: Blackmail.
SARAH: Blackmail. Maybe you know that this person wants to fuck you. And you don't want to fuck them, but they're like in a relationship and you could definitely hold it over their head…
KAYLA: Oh, my God
SARAH: As blackmail.
KAYLA: Lord in heaven.
SARAH: Listen, I'm not saying you should do this. I'm just saying I'm a writer and I have to think of options and also, I've been watching Succession, okay? And the shit they do on that show.
KAYLA: What if your very good friend is dating someone and you know that that someone is terrible. You also, know that that someone is cheating on them and that they want to have sex on you.
SARAH: On you?
KAYLA: Yes. Will you having sex with their significant other ruin your friendship? Yes, but you are such good friends with this person and you love them so much that you are willing to sacrifice your good name to have sex with their significant other and then tell the friend about it so that they will finally break up.
SARAH: I didn't follow that but sure. I think another thing is say you have a friend who really likes another person but maybe your friend hasn't had sex before or they're very very nervous and you have heard through the grapevine that the person who your friend really likes is not that good at sex so you're like okay here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to have sex with this person, kind of walk them through it, give them some pointers.
KAYLA: Tell them what your friend likes.
SARAH: Help them improve so that when they have sex with my friend they will be better.
KAYLA: Yeah, you can coach them, you can be like listen my friend really likes…
SARAH: You're a sex coach.
KAYLA: When you do this, yes, you're a sex coach.
SARAH: But like an active participant.
KAYLA: Active sex coach, I think that's very good. What if you are, you and you are a contortionist and you are in the contortionist community. I'm assuming they talk to each other, they have a Facebook group. And you're like we want to see how small of a box we can fit in and have sex in. And you're like I've been in this contortionist community for a while. Am I attracted to any of them? No. But I do want to be the one to do this.
SARAH: I do want to know. Yeah. You know, when you were saying that I thought you were going to go in a different direction, which this one does fall under the category of make baby. But what if you want to see how bendy of a child you can produce?
KAYLA: I don't think that's how it works at all.
SARAH: Well, if people are double jointed or they're super flexible because of something that they have or are lacking in their body, then maybe you could pass it on to a child.
KAYLA: Oh, okay. I mean, that makes more sense. What I was thinking you were saying is like the bendier of a position you have sex in, the bendier your child will come out.
SARAH: No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying two people who are very bendy because they're contortionists.
KAYLA: I guess, well, that makes sense. If you have like a very rare, exciting trait and you would like your child to have it, then you have to find someone else with this rare, exciting trait.
SARAH: To increase the chances that they will end up with it.
KAYLA: Yes. Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. And I think that's just… do you have anything else to add or should we just stop it there?
KAYLA: I simply don't.
SARAH: Great. Okay, what is our poll this week? Which is your favorite?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Which four should we include?
KAYLA: Let me get my phone so I can write these down.
SARAH: Okay, what are some of the better ones we came up with?
KAYLA: Empty.
SARAH: I hate that with such a burning passion.
KAYLA: Physically empty.
SARAH: But it makes me want to jump off a cliff into a pit of piranhas.
KAYLA: Piranha? Perfect. How do we say in a short number of characters the whole Chad cheerleading quarterback story?
SARAH: Just write Chad.
KAYLA: No!
SARAH: Write Chad!
KAYLA: Chad the quarterback. Perfect.
SARAH: This is going to be one of those you have to listen to the episode for…
KAYLA: You have to listen. Those were two of mine so now we need two of yours.
SARAH: Instead of floor mopping and what the fuck else did I say? Peninsula.
KAYLA: Peninsula.
SARAH: Peninsula sex.
KAYLA: There you have it folks.
SARAH: We got there, eventually. You can tell us...oh no. Wait. What?
KAYLA: What? What?
SARAH: Kayla, what's your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: Wow, we were going to skip it. Uhhhhhhh. My beef is Sunburn. It hurt. My beef is also... Do you ever have the period symptom where it makes you feel like you have to pee all the time?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: It's bad. Wouldn't recommend.
SARAH: So unfortunate
KAYLA: Those are my... Beefs. My juices are... I think one is the Discord. Which I know keeps being a juice, but truly... some fantastic stuff is happening in there.
SARAH: Bonk.
KAYLA: We've got a lot of talk about Bonk. We've got... Today I was in the Discord talking about Dean, my boyfriend. And everyone started calling him Step-Dean. Because he's their step-dad.
SARAH: Oh my God
KAYLA: And so, he's their step-Dean. And then someone accidentally said step-dead, which was very good. So, if you'd like to, I guess, hear about your step-Dean...
SARAH: What were you telling them about step-Dean?
KAYLA: I was saying I was going to visit Dean in California next week. And then I was saying something about how... Oh, everyone was like, oh, have fun. And I was like, oh, when your kids wish you have fun when you go visit their weird, allo step-dad. And then they just said step-Dean. I forget who it was. Should I give them credit? Should I find who it was?
SARAH: Do it. Find out. Okay, well, while you're doing that, I'm going to give my beef and my juice. My beef is that I keep being so tired that I fucking fall asleep in the middle of the day, even though I'm getting normal amounts of sleep, and that doesn't make sense. Also, I pulled a muscle in my back. My juice is personal growth, being presented with new information, and allowing that new information to change your stance or opinion. I think that's good.
KAYLA: I agree. I believe step-Dean was the creation of someone in Discord called Canonically Ace. They are a patron, but I don't have the connection to what their patron name is. So, I'm sorry.
SARAH: Sometimes I look in the patron chat and I'm like, I have no idea who any of you are because your Discord names and your Patreon names are not the same.
KAYLA: It's true. I have one more juice.
SARAH: Tell me.
KAYLA: Well, one of my new beefs is that I was just playing with some thumbtack and it got under my nail and it really feels like this is going to be difficult to get out.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: I was just like, I need something to fidget with and it really did get in there, huh?
SARAH: My fidget thing right here, it goes this and I can go this and I can go this.
KAYLA: Well, this is not a visual medium, but okay.
SARAH: This is ASMR.
KAYLA: Great. My other juice is, what's the good word? I guess self-confidence. I was telling this to Sarah the other day, but for most of my life, and this will probably come back, this is probably just a short spurt of confidence as it happens, but I'm a very loud vocal person. I like to give my opinions.
[00:50:00]
SARAH: Mouth large.
KAYLA: Mouth big. And I've been very self-conscious of that most of my life, because sometimes it can get me in trouble, especially…
SARAH: Because a woman.
KAYLA: Because I'm a woman. Now if I were a man, would I get in so much trouble? No, but here we are. So, I'm very self-conscious about it. But in the past couple of weeks, there's been things in several areas of my life where I've needed to step up and advocate for myself or have serious conversations, and it has been good to have. And so, yep.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: I was going to tell that stupid joke that I said yesterday, but now I can't remember it. The stupid joke that wasn't a joke at all.
KAYLA: Was it texted to me?
SARAH: Yes, it was the one where we walk into a bar.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: But I can't remember what the joke was. A leader and an example walk into Twitter.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: And get 3,000 followers.
KAYLA: And then...
SARAH: That's the joke.
KAYLA: Yes. We do almost have 3,000 followers on Twitter. Right before...
SARAH: Tag yourself, I'm the example.
KAYLA: Right before their third birthday.
SARAH: Three year. Yeah.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Alright, well, cool. What do I do next? Patrons. Wait, no. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, reasons that you might have sex that don't have to do with sexual attraction on our Twitter, @SoundsFakePod. We're also, on all the other social media, so, hit us up there. We also, have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We are very grateful for all the people who support us on Patreon. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fierro, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, BookMarvel, Changeling MX, Derrick and Carissa, Simona Simon, Jamie jack, Jessica Shea, Rio Faustino, Daniel Walker, Barefoot Backpacker, Livy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Livy and Lily, that throws me off. James, Corinne, Aliceisinspace, Sky Simpson, Brooke Siegel, and Ashley W. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @dirtyuncleKevin @Tessa_m_k… Kevin knows everything
KAYLA: Kevin truly, you guys? It's crazy.
SARAH: Someone on Twitter was like, what was the episode where you talked about the episode of Schitt's Creek where it's the coming out episode? And Kevin just like figured it out.
KAYLA: Just like first guess. He was like, I feel like it was 108, but I'm not sure. Like, I'll have to go look through episode titles later. But it was he was just correct on the first try.
SARAH: I think it was 122, though. I think he was correct on the second try.
KAYLA: No, I think he said… it was the first. Well, either way, crazy.
SARAH: Either way, astounding. Arcness who'd like to promote the Trevor project, Benjamin Ybarra who'd like to promote Tabletop games, anonymous who’d like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who'd like to promote podcasts from a planet weird, my aunt Jennie who'd like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra whose modeling Instagram is @liddowred, Doug rice who would like to promote Native by Caitlin Curtis and Maggie Capellbo whose dog can be found at @minniemuffin19 on Instagram, and H.Valdez. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com, my mom Julie who’d like to promote free mom hugs, you know, from a distance, you know, you guys, you know. Sarah Jones who is @eternallolli everywhere, Dea Chappelle who would like to promote the Underrealm series by Garrett Robinson, Andy A. who likes to promote Being in Unions and the IWW, and Dragonfly who would like to promote having so many patrons that you run out of breath when you read them.
KAYLA: It's very crazy.
SARAH: Wow. Thank you to all of our lovely, lovely patience.
KAYLA: Patience?
SARAH: Our patience.
KAYLA: I don't think so.
SARAH: Our patrons. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]