Ep 22: Reacting to Sexualized Media
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a demi straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: non-sexual media.
BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro music*
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: Aaaaaaahhh. That was my noise of excitement.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: What are we doing today Sarah?
SARAH: Why are you asking me?
KAYLA: You didn’t ask me, so.
SARAH: It’s because it’s your thing.
KAYLA: You’re supposed to ask me, then.
SARAH: What are we doing today Kayla?
KAYLA: Well, I’m glad you asked. So you know how on Snapchat, you have your stories that all your friends do, and then there’s ones called subscriptions or Featured and they’re by BuzzFeed or People Magazine or MTV? They’re official ones that everyone gets, and you can subscribe to them so they come in every day, or you can scroll through and find ones.
So they’re kind of set up like magazines where they have a bunch of different little stories and graphics and images, it’s basically a digitization of magazines, and a lot of magazines have them. I’ve noticed a lot of times I look at the Cosmopolitan one, and the one that’s called Brother, mainly because a lot of times their stories that are on the front, so it would be their cover, are super sexual and I can’t not read this now, which is the point of why they do it. So they’re doing a great job., but I’ll see things and I’ll be like, what the fuck? Because it’s just some wild shit
We’ve had this idea for a while, but we wanted to wait until there’s a day with some good weird sexual content and there were some good ones today I thought. I have scrolled through, I haven’t read the stories, I’ve just seen the headline things. So you haven’t seen anything?
SARAH: Today’s the day.
KAYLA: It’s happening. I’m going to open up the Cosmo one, Cosmo I think is more targeted towards young adult women.
SARAH: Definitely.
KAYLA: So it has a lot of that. First one, lame. “12 signs you’ve found your best friend for life” We don’t need that.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: And then there’s just gifs and this says “I have no ducks left to give” and it’s a duck, some sunglasses fall down. Some of this shit is real stupid, you guys. Kardashian things, an ad, “11 times extremely hot guys played terrifying serial killers”. Here’s my thing, I don’t give a fuck, that’s just very specific.
SARAH: I know it was a big deal when what’s his face who played Austin on Austin and Ally was playing Jeffrey Dahmer. I know that was a big deal because they were like, how the fuck are they going to make him look like Jeffrey Dahmer? And then they did. It’s also like how Margot Robbie played Tonya Harding.
KAYLA: Yeah, she does not look like that.
SARAH: In the movie, she really did look kind of like her, but in real life she sure fucking doesn’t.
KAYLA: So I’m just reading through the beginning of this article before they get to the list and pictures of these men. It goes “And what do all these projects have in common besides a fascination with the most horrifying crimes of the 20th century? Hot actors.”
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: “Two is a coincidence and three’s a trend, but at this point there’s a full-on deluge of would-be Sexiest Men Alive playing the most notorious serial killers and cult leaders in living memory.”
SARAH: Alright, I have two things.
KAYLA: What are your things?
SARAH: One. A lot of famous actors just are attractive, it’s just part of the path for being a famous actor.
KAYLA: You kind of have to be, unfortunately you’ve just got to be hot.
SARAH: Either you’re really funny and it doesn’t matter, or you’re attractive. And for women, being really funny isn’t an option.
KAYLA: Yeah, not so much.
SARAH: Secondly, who’s to say that serial killers can’t be attractive?
KAYLA: A lot of them are, because if you think about a lot of people that are psychopaths, they get people to trust them and they manipulate people, but the reason people would trust them is because they’re attractive.
SARAH: And they don’t look like creeps, but they are creeps.
KAYLA: I mean, a lot of them do look like creeps.
SARAH: And then you realize afterward that they were creeps.
KAYLA: So we have, going through the list, we have Zac Efron is playing Ted Bundy, Darren Criss plays Andrew Cunanan.
SARAH: Darren Criss is just great.
KAYLA: (sighs) I love him so much. I don’t even know who this guy is, or the serial killer. See, a lot of these aren’t even recent movies either, that guy is not even hot. Who is that guy? He’s an old man. Not hot.
SARAH: That’s rude. That’s ageist.
KAYLA: I’m not saying that’s why he’s not hot.
SARAH: Is the second one Evan Peters or someone else?
KAYLA: Jeff Ward.
SARAH: Jeff Ward? He’s on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
KAYLA: He played Charles Manson.
SARAH: Oh that’s exciting, I’m proud of him.
KAYLA: He’s pretty.
SARAH: Jeff Ward or Charles Manson?
KAYLA: Charles Manson. This is my thing though, is that a lot of these – Okay, so that’s him as Jeffrey Dahmer and he does look like a creep, but –
SARAH: Wait, can I see Jeffrey Dahmer?
KAYLA: He’s right there.
SARAH: You were scrolling too fast.
KAYLA: That’s Jeffrey Dahmer.
SARAH: His face is just so non-symmetrical. I feel like he could be more attractive if his face was more symmetrical.
KAYLA: Well that’s because the more symmetrical your face is, the more attractive you are.
SARAH: I know, I’m fully aware. That’s why I said that.
KAYLA: Anyway, so there’s a bunch of – Oh, Jack the Ripper, that’s exciting. So this is just like, why, you know?
SARAH: For fun, Kayla.
KAYLA: I guess. Anyway, that was that story. Riveting. Oh, and they lived in a tiny home.
SARAH: The stupid part about this though is that we can’t link you to all of this stuff because it’s going to be gone by the time this is up.
KAYLA: Well, a lot of times these stories are on their website, so if you go to the Cosmo website and you look for this stuff, a lot of them are repeats. Here’s one that’s –
SARAH: I’m ready.
KAYLA: Imagine I’m just kissing my hands like a chef.
SARAH: Oh she’s doing it, don’t worry.
KAYLA: It is labeled as must-read. Wait, prepare yourself. “I made a vibrating dildo in the shape of my husband’s penis”.
SARAH: You know, I think I’ve heard of that before.
KAYLA: But you know what the animation is, is a hotdog that’s wiggling.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: Is what they’ve put with this.
SARAH: I mean, I guess if you’re away from your husband a lot –
KAYLA: Does it have to be the size of his dick? Or the shape of his dick?
SARAH: I feel like a general approximation would be enough. Are you really going to pay that much attention to the exact contours of this dildo?
KAYLA: I feel like all dicks, aren’t they kind of shaped the same?
SARAH: Why are you asking me?
KAYLA: I don’t know. Anyway, oh my God, she tells you the ingredients of how to –
SARAH: Wait, she made a dildo?
KAYLA: She, wow. Okay. She – So this is called “I made a vibrating dildo in the shape of my husband’s penis and I have no regrets.” First of all, can you imagine submitting this to your boss?
SARAH: Did she have to mold the penis?
KAYLA: “I made a mold of my husband’s penis” - That poor man.
SARAH: I’m assuming it was an excited penis.
KAYLA: It would have to be, Sarah.
SARAH: So –
KAYLA: So she had to get him excited, he had to get himself excited and then he had to sit there in this mold.
SARAH: And it didn’t stop working?
KAYLA: Might have felt good?
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: Well if you think about what makes a dick feel good, it’s being enclosed in –
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: Now that I’m thinking about it, dicks just want to be swaddled, Sarah.
SARAH: (shouts) Oh God, no, no. I’ve got to go, I’m quitting this podcast. I’ve got to go.
KAYLA: Anyway, maybe she’ll talk about it. So she made a mold of her husband’s penis then used that mold to create a neon pink, glow-in-the-dark vibrator.
SARAH: Oh my God. So it’s a dildo and a vibrator? Because technically they’re not the same thing.
KAYLA: Oh my God, okay. She starts out by saying my husband is so great, I love him so much, these are all the nice things he does. “And I made this pure, sweet, loving soul fuck a tube of gel to clone his peen for my amusement.”
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: “I am a monster to be sure, but I write for Cosmo and what needs to be done, needs to be done.”
SARAH: Okay, that’s funny.
KAYLA: So he reluctantly agrees. “He knows he married a crazy person [who she had] already forced to do all the sex in Fifty Shades of Gray and put a donut on his dingdong, so whatever, this should be a walk in the park”.
My thing is, some of the Cosmo stories I have read, it’s always that they’re doing experiments or stuff like this to their boyfriends or husbands, these poor men.
SARAH: Those poor guys.
KAYLA: And her name is connected to this, unless it’s a fake name, but then his family –
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: “I received the Clone-A-Willy kit in the mail – “
SARAH: What the fuck?
KAYLA: “Having already seen the video of how it works, and I felt like I kind of knew what to expect. I was wrong.”
SARAH: That sounds like a British thing. Have they done that?
KAYLA: Willy? That’s a British word.
SARAH: Well I know that it’s a British word, I’m just saying that this must be a British product.
KAYLA: That makes me sad. So you have some allergy-based molding powder, you mix the molding powder and some water, pour it into this tube that is roughly the size and shape of a penis, and then you put your penis or whatever you’re taking a mold of, in the tube for two minutes, and then remove your penis.
SARAH: (sounds uncomfortable) Mmmm.
KAYLA: Okay. “Now the penis must get hard. This involved –“ Wow, she’s, we’re going to hear what –
SARAH: Oh my God, she’s answering all the questions.
(10:00)
KAYLA: “This involved a quick BJ, some rubbing, some tugging and some desperate praying. We were both sweating a lot. Sidenote, we should get into better shape maybe.”
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Wow, okay, there’s some rules. “Once the penis is hard, and at exactly the one minute mark, you have to put the penis in the mold.” So that’s definitely some timing, so the penis needs to be hard at the same time as the one-minute mark from when you mix the powder in. So I can see why this would be stressful, which is also making me say, is it worth it?
SARAH: This sounds so stressful.
KAYLA: So then you put the penis in there, and it has to stay in there, the penis has to stay in the gel, hard, for two minutes.
SARAH: That’s a long time.
KAYLA: “So some heavy making out, heavier petting and finally me standing in front of him and playing with my boobs like a circus clown in a nightmare.”
SARAH: I hate it.
KAYLA: (gasps) “My husband grimaced through the whole thing and I thought I saw a single tear roll down his cheek, but I kindly looked away so we both could pretend it didn’t happen.” This poor man.
SARAH: This woman seems like she’s a very amusing person, she’s writing this in an amusing way, I’m just finding it difficult to connect the fact that she is just this human and then also is – I don’t know.
KAYLA: I feel like I want to like her, but also I have the fact that she did this in my mind.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: Some cognitive dissonance to be sure.
SARAH: You’ve nailed it.
KAYLA: Okay. “Pro-tip, you might wanna shave beforehand” you don’t have to, but it might pull your pubes out, I guess.
SARAH: Oh man.
KAYLA: Ew, so they took the molding gel off his penis, and you’re supposed to wash it, so her husband runs away to the shower screaming “Don’t look at me!”.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: So here’s a picture, we can’t see the actual mold but it’s the outside of the mold, and we just have to sit with the knowledge that we’re looking at something that his penis was in.
SARAH: Yeah, I don’t like that at all.
KAYLA: So then you wait for four hours. We used this time to have sex. After that, you want to have sex?
SARAH: That sounds fake.
KAYLA: Sounds fake, I’d be so dry. That would be the least turned on I’ve ever been in my entire life after that process.
SARAH: Yikes.
KAYLA: How are any of them turned on? Wow.
SARAH: Don’t know.
KAYLA: So then you mix in some silicone with the glow in the dark powder.
SARAH: I’m sorry, I just saw a quick thing that said “because glow in the dark equals sexy???”.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know that I would need to see the dildo while I was using it.
SARAH: Also I feel like you’re not, it’s not a thing you’re going to be focusing on.
KAYLA: It’s not like you’re going to be st– (laughs) I mean, I guess I don’t know how people use their dildos, and if this is how you use it, I’m not going to judge you, but also I will a little bit.
SARAH: Use or do not use your dildo in any way you so desire.
KAYLA: But like, imagining it as someone in my head as someone using it, but also just staring at it –
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: The whole time, they’re not looking, they’re not closing their eyes, they’re staring at it the whole time that they’re just shoving it in.
SARAH: They’re staring at that pink, glow in the dark dildo.
KAYLA: Anyway, so she mixed it, then she poured it into the mold. Then you have to put the vibrator through a piece of cardboard and stick it into the silicone, so there’s a vibrator inside the mold.
SARAH: The whole thing vibrates?
KAYLA: So the vibrator is encased in this silicone.
SARAH: Okay, so that’s not the kind of vibrator I thought it was talking about.
KAYLA: Me either, but here we are.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Because it’s a vibrating dildo, so it’s a dildo that also vibrates.
SARAH: Wow, I’m stressed out, I’m uncomfortable.
KAYLA: So then you wait 24 hours and you get this dildo and it – Oh, wow. Now we know exactly what her –
SARAH: We know exactly what that penis looks like.
KAYLA: “My husband would like me to mention that this is only his partial dick, because he did not want me to show the entire thing because it’s the internet and he does not want you to know what his dick looks like. That’s not for you, perv.” So we know what the top of his penis looks like.
SARAH: I don’t know the scale?
KAYLA: This is a picture, that’s the penis.
SARAH: I know but I – Kayla?
KAYLA: You don’t know how big it is?
SARAH: I mean I have a general guess.
KAYLA: Like this big?
SARAH: Why are dicks so big?
KAYLA: Well, it’s an excited dick.
SARAH: I know, but still.
KAYLA: I mean, he could be small, I don’t know.
SARAH: And if that’s only part of that dick –
KAYLA: That’s the top.
SARAH: I know, I’m fully aware that that’s the top of the dick.
KAYLA: I’m just checking, I don’t know.
SARAH: I’m just saying, if that’s only part of the dick, I’m stressed out about how long his dick is.
KAYLA: Probably almost – I’m hoping there’s only a little bit more. Long dicks stress me out because they can hurt you.
SARAH: That seems horrible.
KAYLA: If the dick is too long, it is actually not great.
SARAH: I hate everything about this.
KAYLA: Alright. So then they compared this to his penis and they were like wow, ew, “it has the same bumps and ridges and veins and ew this sentence is grossing me out. JK, the penis is very beautiful and we’ve all just been trained to see them as gross and/or funny because this culture poisons our sexuality.”
SARAH: Alright.
KAYLA: I mean, that’s a point, I guess.
SARAH: I’ll give her that. But also, I still find it gross.
KAYLA: I personally think vaginas and dicks are gross.
SARAH: They’re both gross.
KAYLA: I think vaginas are grosser, but we’ve had this conversation before.
SARAH: We sure have.
KAYLA: “Anyway, I wanted to sword fight with it because it's a really even fight: penis vs penis, in the battle of the century. Unfortunately, my husband said no. He'll break eventually.”
SARAH: That’s incredible.
KAYLA: She’s funny, dammit.
SARAH: She’s really funny.
KAYLA: “Not to brag (lie) but his penis is perfect so, I definitely used it to masturbate.” Oh. “Oh don’t act so surprised, what am I supposed to do with it, bake a cake?” Wow, okay, I don’t know that I needed to know that, but I guess I should have seen it coming.
SARAH: Is it –
KAYLA: (laughs) “I did get off, because I’m excellent at self-pleasure. If you’re not, stop reading this article and go masturbate until you are.”
SARAH: Oh my God. So is the material of the dildo –
KAYLA: It’s silicone.
SARAH: That’s what I was guessing. Okay, move forward.
KAYLA: Alright. Well, that’s it.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: Do you see what I’m talking about with these snap stories?
SARAH: It’s a lot. I was entertained by that but also very uncomfortable.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, I’m not as uncomfortable as you are, but you’re generally in life more uncomfortable than I am, I feel like.
SARAH: About this topic, yes.
KAYLA: And in general, maybe.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. Sounds about right, now that I think about it.
KAYLA: Also, obviously this is a magazine geared towards women, but a lot of the times, these stories are only about male/female relationships.
SARAH: That’s sure true.
KAYLA: I guess this is not relevant to lesbians at all, because who’s dick are you going to make a mold of?
SARAH: It’s not relevant to me. I don’t want the mold of anyone’s dick.
KAYLA: Really? Interesting. Well moving on, we’ve got some ads, some things – Oh, “Pick a bar of soap, we’ll tell you which song you sing in the shower”. We got some good sexual assault shit, fuck Larry Nassar. There was another one, oh yeah, here we go. This one is labelled “Real Talk: Ten anal sex secrets guys won’t tell you”.
SARAH: Why won’t they tell us?
KAYLA: And the animation is this peach with some underwear on.
SARAH: It sure is.
KAYLA: Because it’s a booty.
SARAH: Yep, she a booty.
KAYLA: Wow, okay, so this is written by a guy.
SARAH: Alright.
KAYLA: Alright. Do you want to hear it?
SARAH: I kind of assumed there were zero guys working for Cosmopolitan?
KAYLA: Yeah, me too. Maybe they have an exchange program between Cosmo and Brother?
SARAH: The only place where there is wage equality, because there are no men.
KAYLA: Fuck dude. “He may want to shower after, and that’s fine.” I guess some weird smells are normal with anal sex?
SARAH: I’m so uncomfortable, I want to die.
KAYLA: Oh, “You should join him. In fact, please join him because that may lead to shower sex”. Cold take, because everyone agrees with this, shower sex is not a good idea, because the water washes off the natural lubricants of your body and so it hurts and is not good. Why are you doing this?
SARAH: Yeah, I feel like if you’re going to do that, the actual happenings would have to happen not under the water.
KAYLA: You can do foreplay shit in the shower.
SARAH: But maybe get out of if before you do the do.
KAYLA: Because then you’re covered in water and no one –
SARAH: Then you’ve got to dry yourself off and you’re like, I’m bored now, I’ve got to go read a book.
KAYLA: “He’s a little cautious about poop”.
SARAH: That’s fair. That’s totally fair.
KAYLA: “It’s not like the odds are incredibly high that you’re going to poop on him”, but you know, from what I’ve heard, and I think we’ve talked about this in an episode before, is that when people know they’re going to have anal sex, they use a douche, but for the butthole. Have we talked about this?
SARAH: Yeah, we have and I hate it. It was one of the very early episode.
KAYLA: Yeah, one of the very early episodes. “The condom makes clean up easier”. Well you should wear one – Oh listen, if you’re doing anal sex you should be using a condom.
SARAH: Because sexually transmitted diseases.
KAYLA: And they’re more likely when you do anal, I think. Is that true? Or am I making things up?
SARAH: I don’t know. I think you might be making that up, because it started with gay men, but I don’t think it’s necessarily the type of sex, it was just because the first guy that got it was gay. But I could be wrong.
KAYLA: Either way, you should be wearing a condom. There’s your safe sex lesson of the day. “It feels a lot different”. Wow, really?
SARAH: For who? For them? Or for you, because it sure feels different for the person being fucked in the ass.
KAYLA: Yeah (laughs). You’re not wrong. It says “not like crazy different, but different in the way pizza and calzones are different. It’s the same ingredients, and it tastes similar –“
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: “But it’s still different enough that sometimes you might want a calzone.”
SARAH: (distressed) Oh no. I don’t like calzones.
(20:00)
KAYLA: “He knows he needs to go very slow. This is a marathon not a sprint. Also, like a marathon, sometimes people poop themselves.” Okay. “Not every guy loves anal”. Is that not something we know? Sarah’s taking a picture of her face.
SARAH: I’ve been making this face for about a minute.
KAYLA: It’s a look.
SARAH: And I’m going to share it with you all once this episode is posted, because this is the face I was making while I was being told about butt sex.
KAYLA: Why do you have to say it like that? It makes you sound like an old –
SARAH: Anal sex.
KAYLA: An old southern uncle, which makes it worse.
SARAH: Ew, ew.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: That is not what an old – Move on.
KAYLA: Moving on. Obviously not every guy likes anal, this is stupid and something that everyone knows, or should know.
SARAH: Not even all gay men are into anal.
KAYLA: Yeah, I know.
SARAH: Like, what the fuck?
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: Moving on. Not even all humans are into anything.
KAYLA: Some people don’t want any sex.
SARAH: Do you think – Okay, this is interesting. Do you think there are people with vaginas out there who prefer anal to your standard vaginal sex?
KAYLA: Yeah, I’m sure there are.
SARAH: Sounds fake.
KAYLA: Well I agree, but.
SARAH: Is it true that the male G-spot is up your butt?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: How did that happen?
KAYLA: Gay.
SARAH: Yep, true.
KAYLA: Sounds pretty gay.
SARAH: The woman’s G-spot is not.
KAYLA: It’s in the vagina.
SARAH: It’s up and in the front?
KAYLA: It’s up and curved around in the front of the vaginal canal? Whatever, I’m not a scientist.
SARAH: But why are they different? I mean, I know that guys don’t have a vagina.
KAYLA: Because God made men to be gay, Sarah.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: I’m just saying if there’s a guy G-spot in your butt –
KAYLA: Stop saying it like that.
SARAH: In your –
KAYLA: In your ass.
SARAH: Anyway, if it’s there for guys, why do girls not have two? Why do they not have –
KAYLA: You also have the clitoris.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Did you forget about the clitoris? Because a lot of guys do, too. (laughs) That was funny.
SARAH: Does that count as a G-spot? I’ve never viewed it as that. I don’t think it is a G-spot, I think it’s just a spot that feels nice.
KAYLA: Yeah, but it makes you orgasm.
SARAH: Yeah, but – I don’t know how G-spots work.
KAYLA: Me either.
SARAH: Nice. I’m just saying it doesn’t make sense to me why, for people with penises, their G-spot is up their ass but women wouldn’t also have an additional G-spot up their ass, is all I’m saying.
KAYLA: Well, this thing says, the next one is “He honestly doesn’t know whether or not you can orgasm this way. Are anal orgasms real?” So it seems as though no one knows.
SARAH: That doesn’t make sense, I feel like somebody’s got to know.
KAYLA: I’m sure someone knows, but it sure isn’t this guy.
SARAH: This guy should do his fucking research.
KAYLA: I agree, but also he’s writing for Cosmo. I mean, they don’t have to be in the same spot, because everything down there is different for women and men, so why would they be in the same spot?
SARAH: Is the anatomy of the anus the same in men and women?
KAYLA: But also it makes sense that the G-spot for women would be where the dick needs to go to make a baby, because sex is pleasurable evolutionarily, so we’ll do it and have kids and move on the gene pool.
SARAH: Yeah, I know, I’m just –
KAYLA: I don’t know man. I don’t have the answers. He’s got to wash his pubes.
SARAH: What? Is it because they get wet?
KAYLA: Poopy. They get poopy.
SARAH: Okay, that’s what I thought, but I – I’ve got to go.
KAYLA: “If he reaches around to finger you, he can probably feel himself inside you.”
SARAH: Ew, ew, ew. Oh my God, no.
KAYLA: (gasps)
SARAH: Uh-uh. Uh-uh. No, no, no.
KAYLA: So he could – So if his penis is going in one way and his finger is going in the other, he could touch them in between your skin and organs and whatever’s in between your –
SARAH: Ew.
KAYLA: Bowels, would it be like that?
SARAH: I think that’s what he means, you’re not going to be able to touch them actually –
KAYLA: Not physically, but you’d feel it poking. That’s exciting.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: “So he might be doing that out of consideration for you, or it might just be because it feels cool. Yes, he’s relieved this can’t get you pregnant. Here’s a cool science fact you won’t find under a Snapple cap, a baby can’t grow in a butt.” Here’s my thing, you could still get pregnant, because sperm can live outside the body for a good amount of time.
SARAH: (grossed out sounds)
KAYLA: This is important information Sarah, I don’t think it’ll ever pertain to you but –
SARAH: I know this part, I just don’t like where this is going.
KAYLA: So if sperm got somewhere while you were doing anal things, it could live outside the body and get into your vagina, and you could get pregnant.
SARAH: How would it get in?
KAYLA: Sarah, things happen. Technically, people have gotten pregnant from a toilet seat. It just happens.
SARAH: I hate it, I’m afraid now. I’m never going to go to the bathroom ever again.
KAYLA: But it is scary though, because you could be – Oh, my SnapChat’s now updating, good.
SARAH: Am I going to become the next Virgin Mary?
KAYLA: It’s possible.
SARAH: (yells)
KAYLA: That’s how Jane the Virgin got pregnant.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That makes sense.
KAYLA: Because she didn’t have sex, it was through something like that.
SARAH: I hate it, I hate it. I’ve got to go home.
KAYLA: Well that’s why it’s scary to me, things like oh, if you’re just giving a blow job and you’re like, I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant from this. But if you don’t clean up everything properly, you don’t know where sperm got. You don’t know where it’s going.
SARAH: I’ve got to go.
KAYLA: Where are you going?
SARAH: Away.
KAYLA: Interesting. Well I don’t know if we had any stories left to go through in Cosmo, let me just – My phone decided to update SnapChat in the middle of this.
SARAH: My phone’s been doing that a lot lately where it’s just like, cleaning, and it’ll clean all my apps, and I’m like, I was using that.
KAYLA: Miss, I was busy. Well, that was the end, that was the last article in Cosmo.
SARAH: Well let’s do some Brother ones.
KAYLA: How does that – How did you – How are you feeling?
SARAH: I feel awful right now.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: I regret everything.
KAYLA: So I think this whole Brother story is, “If you do 9 out of 10 of these things you’re definitely single”.
SARAH: Okay wait, can you explain what Brother is for those who don’t know?
KAYLA: Brother is another snap subscription thing. From what I’ve read of it, it’s mostly targeted towards men, I think, from what I’ve gotten. But I don’t fucking know man, I don’t know anything. So anyway, the front cover thing is “If you do 9 out of 10 of these things, you’re definitely single” so I think the whole story is going to be following that theme. “You have way too many dating apps on your phone”.
SARAH: What’s the definition of too many? For me personally, one would be too many.
KAYLA: But also, why does that mean you’re definitely single? If you have any dating apps on your phone, that means you’re single.
SARAH: Probably single.
KAYLA: Or you’re in a polyamorous relationship.
SARAH: It’s probably more like an open relationship.
KAYLA: So anywhere where you’re like – Either you’re single, or you’re in a position to be looking.
SARAH: But I know people who just do it for fun.
KAYLA: Well yeah, but while they’re in a relationship?
SARAH: I don’t know if they do it while they’re in a relationship.
KAYLA: Well, I don’t know then. Alright, nine. “You’re always the third wheel” You could be the third wheel while you’re not single. This is very presumptuous.
SARAH: It’s presuming so many things.
KAYLA: I feel –
BOTH: Presumed (laugh)
SARAH: Okay, listen. You can be a third wheel at any time in life.
KAYLA: Yeah. While I was not single, I third wheeled I think. Probably once, I don’t know.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: But it could have happened.
SARAH: You don’t sound confident.
KAYLA: But it could have happened.
SARAH: Alright.
KAYLA: “You hate seeing happy couples”.
SARAH: Okay, I’m single and I don’t hate seeing happy couples, unless they’re being fucking obnoxious.
KAYLA: It’s depends what flavor of single I am at the moment.
SARAH: Oh.
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: Because this week I was having a depressive week, because your girl’s got some mental illnesses. And so during a week like that, I don’t want to see anyone happy. Usually especially happy couples, because if I’m in a depressive state, I’m probably also like, fuck, I’m single, as part of that. So I think it depends on what flavor of single I am.
SARAH: Okay, so what other flavors of single are there?
KAYLA: There’s the flavor of single that’s like, fuck it, I don’t wanna date anyone, I just wanna not be attached. Some people really like being single.
SARAH: Are there any other flavors?
KAYLA: Chocolate.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Interesting. I’m single and I –
KAYLA: What flavor of single are you?
SARAH: Ace.
KAYLA: Oh, what’s that taste like?
SARAH: Vanilla
KAYLA: Lame.
SARAH: But vanilla bean.
KAYLA: Ew, disgusting.
SARAH: You’re wrong. What is your preferred flavor of vanilla?
KAYLA: None, I don’t like vanilla. It’s boring and stupid.
SARAH: (indignant noises)
KAYLA: Actually, vanilla mixed with a ton of chocolate syrup to make it into chocolate ice cream is the best kind of vanilla.
SARAH: Kayla’s the fucking stupidest person I’ve ever met.
KAYLA: Sarah doesn’t chocolate.
SARAH: We’re not going into this.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: But I think that’s stupid. Don’t be a bitch because other people are happy.
KAYLA: Be a bitch because you’re a bitch like me, is all we’re saying.
SARAH: If you’re gonna be a bitch, commit.
KAYLA: If you’re gonna be a bitch, you better be a bitch 100% of your life.
SARAH: All the time.
KAYLA: “Tired of explaining why you’re single? Screenshot for a free excuse” So this just one of the things that just scrolls through things really fast.
SARAH: I don’t want to screenshot.
KAYLA: Stop. No, I’m too lazy.
SARAH: It didn’t work.
KAYLA: We’re moving on.
SARAH: We failed.
KAYLA: “You’re always taking yourself to Pound Town.”
(30:00)
BOTH: (yell)
Kayla: Ew. But also, you can – Sarah’s covering her face.
SARAH: I’ve pulled my hat over my entire face.
KAYLA: You can just as often masturbate while you’re in a relationship. This has no, nothing.
SARAH: This is true.
KAYLA: This is nothing.
SARAH: I hate that. Can we move on?
KAYLA: Yup. (yells) Oh no.
SARAH: No, I’ve got to go.
KAYLA: This is funny though, it’s a video of someone putting a bunch of lotion into their hand and it says “Send this to someone who’s always running out”.
SARAH: I’m so distressed right now.
KAYLA: It’s funny though.
SARAH: It’s funny but I hate it more than I find it funny.
KAYLA: I think it’s funny.
SARAH: I’ve go to go.
KAYLA: “You’re alone for so long, you forget the sound of your own voice” See that for me is something that happens no matter if I’m single or not. I think I just spend a lot of time alone.
SARAH: See that never happens to me, do you know why?
KAYLA: Because you’re constantly not shutting the fuck up.
SARAH: That’s just not true.
KAYLA: Oh my God, Sarah.
SARAH: But listen, I’m a big proponent of just talking to yourself when you’re alone. It works great.
KAYLA: Sarah never shuts up when you’re with her.
SARAH: That’s just not true.
KAYLA: No, don’t. Don’t deny something that you absolutely know is true.
SARAH: That’s not true.
KAYLA: I cannot sit with you –
SARAH: It just goes against everything I’ve ever thought about myself my entire life.
KAYLA: Yeah, but it’s so true because I cannot go ten minutes without you trying to tell me something, especially when I’m busy.
SARAH: I get excited.
KAYLA: It happens especially when I have things to do.
SARAH: I have things to say.
KAYLA: Sarah just has a lot of thoughts and feelings that no one cares about.
SARAH: Okay, rude. But I’m also a shy person.
KAYLA: But not when you’re around people you know.
SARAH: (groans)
KAYLA: It’s like you overcompensate for how shy you are around strangers by talking to me always.
SARAH: I’ve got to go.
KAYLA: Please do. “You treat your pet like your significant other” That’s bestiality.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: That’s not where I was going to go with this.
KAYLA: That’s where I went.
SARAH: But also, listen, I think you should love your pet more than anything.
KAYLA: Oh my God, Sarah.
SARAH: I think you should prioritize over all things, because your pet will never betray you.
KAYLA: No, that’s not true. It could bite you.
SARAH: That’s not betrayal. Unless it gives me rabies.
KAYLA: It could give you rabies.
SARAH: I think it probably won’t give me rabies.
KAYLA: But it could.
SARAH: I doubt it.
KAYLA: We’re moving on.
SARAH: Technically you could give me rabies if you bit me.
KAYLA: I would love to give you rabies.
SARAH: Ah, interesting. Whenever I think of rabies, the only thing I know about it is in the book “To Kill a Mockingbird” where there’s that mad dog because it has rabies, and Atticus has to shoot it when it runs down the street. (laughs) Kayla’s looking at me in a weird way.
KAYLA: Why are you like this? Anyway, “You have impossibly high standards”.
SARAH: Okay, listen. I think if your standards are too high, you’re never going to find a relationship which I think is what they’re trying to say. But I also think that’s being rude to people who are in relationships, because it’s like you’re saying –
KAYLA: It’s like you have low standards if you’re in a relationship.
SARAH: Exactly, it’s like saying all people who are in relationships have low standards. You shouldn’t be like, I’m only single because I have high standards, because that’s a fucking dick thing to say.
KAYLA: Yeah, because then you’re saying everyone you know who’s dating someone is settling.
SARAH: Also you’re saying that no one is good enough for you, and that you’re better than everyone.
KAYLA: Which means you’re not, and that you’re a dick. Find another dick to date.
SARAH: Become gay.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That’s an ad for a creepy dating app that makes me uncomfortable. That’s a cute bra though.
SARAH: That was a cute bra.
KAYLA: “You crave human contact” You as a single person Sarah, do you crave human contact?
SARAH: Not usually.
KAYLA: Sarah does this weird thing where Sarah usually does not like to be touched –
SARAH: I think you overexaggerate my not wanting to be touched –
KAYLA: Okay, that’s not what I’m getting at though. In general, you don’t go out of your way to touch other people, or be touchy.
SARAH: No, I don’t.
KAYLA: So sometimes I think Sarah’s so lacking in human contact – This hasn’t happened recently, but when we lived in a dorm together, I would be sitting on the couch and Sarah would curl up and put her entire body on top of mine, literally like your cat will do and it was wild, because I would never hug Sarah or anything, but then she would, to make up for it, just sit all of herself on top of me.
SARAH: Sometimes you’ve just got to.
KAYLA: Interesting. Anyway, “You forget how to flirt”.
SARAH: I don’t think anyone knows how to flirt so I think that’s fake.
KAYLA: Hot take, flirting isn’t real.
SARAH: Hot take, no one knows how to flirk.
BOTH: Flirk?
SARAH: What if we called it flirking?
KAYLA: We have a friend that listens to the podcast, so the episode with our friend Miranda where she was saying she’s an awkward flirter? Our friend listened to the episode and then got mad at Miranda and was like, you’re not awkward at flirting, you’re so good at it and was pumping her up but was also mad at her for saying that about herself. And it was just really cute, that’s all.
SARAH: Shouts out. You know who you are.
KAYLA: You know who you is, bitch. “What’s the best part about being single?” They’re asking what’s the best pe –
SARAH: What’s the best people?
KAYLA: No one, bitch. But they asked people what the best part of being single was.
SARAH: Oh my God, I have my contribution to this, it’s that being in a relationship seems like it takes a lot of fucking time.
KAYLA: It does.
SARAH: You can be friends with someone and you can hang out with them, but then if you’re suddenly in a relationship with them, you have to go out of your way to do shit that’s more than when you were friends and I’m like listen, why can’t it be the same amount of time?
KAYLA: Because that’s not how it works. It’s like the difference between a friendship and a QPR. You put more time and effort into a QPR than a friendship, even though there’s nothing romantic there.
SARAH: I find it rude.
KAYLA: I think you just don’t – I think you’re just refusing to think about this thoroughly.
SARAH: I’m just salty, is all.
KAYLA: You’re salty because you get jealous when I spend my time with other people?
SARAH: Not specifically you.
KAYLA: But like, also me.
SARAH: I don’t like Kayla.
KAYLA: Sarah gets mad when I hang out with men.
SARAH: No, that’s not true.
KAYLA: It’s true.
SARAH: No, that’s not true.
KAYLA: Mmhmm.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: We live with a male human in our house.
KAYLA: Ew, but not romantically.
SARAH: You say men as if any time –
KAYLA: You know what I mean. Do not @ me.
SARAH: I am @ing you.
KAYLA: Don’t.
SARAH: Move on, Kayla.
KAYLA: The last thing is “You can dress like this without judgement” and it’s just a man in a onesie.
SARAH: I just don’t know, if your significant other is judging you for wearing a onesie you need to dump them immediately. I’m a big proponent of the onesie. I was skeptical because listen, when I used to think of onesies I thought of footie pajamas. When I was a kid, I was into footie pajamas, but –
KAYLA: Your feet get hot.
SARAH: Yeah. I don’t like having things on my feet if I’m not wearing shoes.
KAYLA: Sarah does not do socks.
SARAH: And so I did not like that. But then I discovered the joy of the onesie that doesn’t have feet.
KAYLA: If your significant other is not supporting you in a onesie – My ex-significant other stanned me in a onesie and that’s the relationship you need, someone that stans you in a onesie.
SARAH: It’s the best version of myself.
KAYLA: Get you a man who stans you in a onesie.
SARAH: Hell yeah.
KAYLA: Those are my standards, tbh. Oh, and now there’s just a video of a girl with a sword.
SARAH: Oh my God, that’s my esthetic.
KAYLA: I don’t get it, but I support it. And that’s it, that’s the end of the Brother snap story today.
SARAH: That was an experience.
KAYLA: Don’t you feel educated?
SARAH: No, I feel concerned, and I want to not anymore.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Aaaaaaah.
KAYLA: Aaaaaaah. We just got a message on Tinder. Let’s see if it’s something horrific while we’re out here.
SARAH: Oh no. Kayla’s been back in the world of Tinder.
KAYLA: It’s so entertain – Oh, that’s lame.
SARAH: It was a lame message.
KAYLA: People are very irritating. Sometimes I find nice people and I’m like, oh I’m just chatting with someone, this is nice, but other times people are fucking hilarious. I was exchanging Hamilton pick-up lines with a guy yesterday.
SARAH: Yeah, she was putting a lot of effort into it and the conversation changed and she got mad at us that we were no longer helping her come up with her Hamilton pick-up lines.
KAYLA: I was mad, that was obviously the most pressing matter at the time.
SARAH: Alright, we’re going to stop this. Kayla, what’s the poll this week?
KAYLA: Fuck if I know. (pause) Alright, we’re back, we have a poll.
SARAH: We’ve done it. So this week’s poll is, which one of the snap stories we walked you through today do you hate the most? One, making a dildo out of your husband’s penis, vibrator dildo.
KAYLA: We can’t fit all of those letters into the tweet, we’ll have to shorten.
SARAH: Two – what was the second one?
KAYLA: Ten things guys don’t tell you about anal.
SARAH: Oh right, butt stuff.
KAYLA: Stop.
SARAH: Kayla hates it when I say that. I don’t know why.
KAYLA: I do, I do.
SARAH: Third one, the single one on Brother, the signs you’re super single.
KAYLA: You’re a single ho.
SARAH: And then the fourth option is, I lived for all of them.
KAYLA: That’s mine. That’s what I’m going to vote. I had a great time.
SARAH: I didn’t.
KAYLA: I think if I’d have been reading those alone I’d have been uncomfortable, but just watching you be so uncomfortable is very entertaining to me.
SARAH: I don’t want it to happen again.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: You can find that poll on our Twitter @soundsfakepod. You can also find us on Tumblr soundsfakepod.tumblr.com.
(40:00)
KAYLA: We’ve been popping on Tumblr. Someone reblogged episode 16, whichever one was my demi episode.
SARAH: That’s exciting.
KAYLA: And so we’ve been hitting numbers.
SARAH: So one person reblogged and those are our numbers?
KAYLA: No, then a bunch of other people then liked it and followed us and reblogged it.
SARAH: I understand. I was like, we got one reblog? That’s exciting, Kayla.
KAYLA: Hitting numbers.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: You can email us soundsfakepod@gmail.com, tell us your life story.
KAYLA: Tell us your experiences with anal.
SARAH: (groans) I don’t know if I want to know.
KAYLA: I don’t either, but I do want people to email us so here we are. We’re in a conundrum.
SARAH: Incredible. We also have a Patreon, you can find us at patreon.com/soundsfakepod. If you want to give your money dollars to this quality, quality podcast to get more of this quality content, you could give us some of your monies there. There are some people who already give us their monies – I didn’t open the document, oh no. I was doing it from memory and I was doing so great, but I’ve got to open the document.
In our $5 category we have Sydney Mook, her Instagram is @sydneymoo. Then we have Jennifer Smart, you can find her on YouTube by looking up Lehen Productions. Then we have Asritha –
KAYLA: I have a fun fact about Asritha.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: So Asritha’s someone we know in real life, and she texted me this week and did you ever watch Friends?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Okay. There’s this character in Friends, Monica, and she dates this guy Richard for a while who’s her parents’ age, so it’s weird. But at one point in the show, this week I was rewatching it, there’s one point where he’s like, I only have sex with people that I love, so he’s only had sex with two people and that was the thing of that episode. She was like, oh my God, he’s only had sex with two people. But then she was like, oh my God, Richard is demi.
SARAH: He’s demi.
KAYLA: And I was like, oh my fucking God.
SARAH: That’s exciting.
KAYLA: So if you have any news like that for us of other characters, like our episode on characters that are definitely ace, anything like that – You can’t text me because you don’t have my number, unless you do, but slide into those DMs perhaps, you know.
SARAH: And Asritha can be found on Instagram @asritha_v. Our $10 patron is Emma. Emma has her YouTube, if you look up Emma T Fink, you’ll find her.
KAYLA: All her videos are about productivity and stuff and it’s like, I’m bad at that, you know?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But you can get good at it by watching Emma’s videos.
SARAH: Incredible. Well, thank you for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.