Ep 230: Rating Bad Pickup Lines
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey what's up hello, welcome to Sounds fake but okay a podcast where an aroace girl, I'm Sarah that's me
KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl, that's me Kayla
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand
KAYLA: On today's episode: pickup lines
SARAH AND KAYLA: Sounds fake but okay
(theme music plays)
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: You did it
SARAH: Is that going to be a thing we just say every time?
KAYLA: You made it. You've done it
SARAH: You've done it and so have we. By the time this comes out our giveaway will be closed
KAYLA: True. It's too late now
SARAH: Of Sherronda's book. It's too late now unless you're a patron and you're listening on Saturday
KAYLA: That's true
SARAH: Hahaha. Our patrons get early access assuming we remember. And then sometimes they're like "do we have an episode this week" and then we'll go "fuck".
KAYLA: And then we'll say oopsie
SARAH: Sorry guys.
KAYLA: Sorry
SARAH: Sorry. But yeah. We'll be announcing the winners soon if not already depending on when you listen to this and depending on how punctual we are.
KAYLA: Yes. Yeah we will draw 5 winners and then we'll announce it on our stories and then probably DM those people and then if we don't hear back from people we'll just draw new winners so keep an eye out.
SARAH: Yeet. And if you don't win, buy Sherronda's book
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean you should buy it either way really and if you win then you can just give one as a gift, so.
SARAH: Yeah. I also think you should buy our book. Soundsfakepod.com/book.
KAYLA: I've seen questions from people about how to find the book in their specific country or in their location. My best advice would be to go to the major book retailer of your country. So here in America it's Barnes & Noble I would say
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: Is like the biggest bookstore
SARAH: Rip to Borders
KAYLA: Rip to Borders. So I'd recommend going to their website and searching it and seeing if they do a preorder and also just looking up the local bookstores in your area, going to their websites and typing it in there, and you can pre-order it from your local bookstores' websites which means they still get the money from that sale. And it is international too. I was looking at bookstores in Germany today and it was there, so
SARAH: I like how instead of asking me what I know about German bookstores
KAYLA: I just did a Google
SARAH: You just went for it. To be fair, I don't really know anything about Germany bookstores but I do have Germans I could ask
KAYLA: I just googled what's the major German bookstore chain, and
SARAH: And?
KAYLA: Google told me. But yeah at least in Europe and Canada I know it is available. Oh and Australia, I know that
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: I'm not sure about other places because I haven't been asked to check
SARAH: Wow so you're not just proactively checking 200+ countries? You're not looking up their largest book retailer and checking?
KAYLA: I haven't been that bored yet recently. I have a lot of other book things that I'm supposed to be doing, so.
SARAH: You need to hit every country, okay?
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Cuba, Benin, Malaysia
KAYLA: Okay let me look up Cuba right now. Major book...
SARAH: Uzbekistan
KAYLA: Cuba book retailer
SARAH: The United Arab Emirates
KAYLA: Well they have Barnes & Noble in Cuba – no, that's showing me Massachusetts. I want Cuba.
SARAH: Morocco
KAYLA: Books in Cuba
SARAH: Vatican City
KAYLA: Not the Vatican. I don't think Vatican City would care for our book
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah I said the UAE and then I was like, I don't know that the UAE would love our book
KAYLA: Let me look up... Let me – where's our website for this bookstore in Cuba? How am I supposed to get our book?
SARAH: The Democratic Republic of Congo
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: French Guyana
KAYLA: Hold on
SARAH: Greenland
KAYLA: I'm in deep in Cuba's... okay this one has a website but you can't like order books
SARAH: Well you're probably geo-locked because you're in the United States
KAYLA: I know, that was the issue I was having with Germany is like you look up German bookstores and it's like here's how to order German books to America and I was like no.
SARAH: Well it's probably even more so with Cuba because I don't know if you would be allowed
(05:00)
SARAH: To ship things from Cuba to the United States depending on what it is and that's on foolish US policies that are not helping anyone. Anyway, you can find our book at book places
KAYLA: I know what Canada's biggest book chain is
SARAH: Tell me
KAYLA: It's called Indigo
SARAH: I thought it was going to be Tim Horton's
KAYLA: Ha. Ha. Ha.
SARAH: I apologize to all Canadians. That was sad and bad and you deserve better.
KAYLA: Anyway
SARAH: Anyway, Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we are ranking pickup lines
SARAH: We're not ranking them we're rating them
KAYLA: Yeah sorry. I've also found a Wiki how article
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: About how to use pickup lines
SARAH: Hm.
KAYLA: If you happen to have any interest in getting some advice
SARAH: Okay. Well let's start with... where do you want to start?
KAYLA: I'm open
SARAH: I thought of exactly one off the top of my head so let's start there
KAYLA: Oh so you're thinking of your own?
SARAH: I said I have exactly one
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: So don't give me too much credit.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Are you ready?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see
KAYLA: Oh I thought you were like inventing new ones
SARAH: Absolutely not
KAYLA: This is just one that you thought of. Okay.
SARAH: How would you rate that? My rating 3/10. I love a good pun but this one is just way overused, it's way overdone and it's not global. If you say that to someone –
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: In the Czech Republic they're going to be like what the fuck are you talking about
KAYLA: They might not know what Tennessee is. Yeah that one I don't care for because everyone knows it
SARAH: Yeah. Overdone.
KAYLA: So I'd give that like a 2 out of 10. It's not offensive, which is nice
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But like I've never actually heard someone use that sincerely.
SARAH: Yes that's true. It's always like a (mocking laughter sounds)
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Alright what have you found on the world wide web?
KAYLA: This is one that I haven't heard before. Are you French? Because I fell (pronounced Eiffel) for you
SARAH: Hm.
KAYLA: 2 out of 10
SARAH: yeah, the pronunciation is a stretch. I want to say 2.5 out of 10
KAYLA: Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living? This one is
SARAH: 0
KAYLA: Tough for me because there's like not a lot of people in the world – this is implying that you are sexy for a living but they ask what else? You know what I mean? They're implying that you are sexy for a living, but that's not the case for a lot of people. You know what I mean?
SARAH: Yeah it's hard to get paid for being sexy. Usually there's another good or service that needs to be rendered
KAYLA: Right. There's I think like actors?
SARAH: Right. Models
KAYLA: Sex workers
SARAH: Sex workers
KAYLA: Models. OnlyFans creators
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: That's like not a lot of people proportionately so this just feels like...
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: You know?
SARAH: Yeah that's fair
KAYLA: Oh here's a classic
SARAH: Mkay
KAYLA: Feel my shirt. You know what it's made of?
SARAH AND KAYLA: Boyfriend material
KAYLA: (sighs) That one's silly because then that would be implying the shirt would be the good boyfriend not the person wearing it, you know?
SARAH: Yeah and it really depends on the material of the shirt. Like if it's a really scratchy material
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Then you know, I don't want that. If it's a nice jersey, great. Not like jersey like a sports jersey but like a jersey cotton
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: But I believe that takes a lot of water to produce?
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: So there's a lot to consider
KAYLA: I had not known that.
SARAH: I might be making that up, but I think that might be true.
KAYLA: Would you like some advice?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Would that make you feel better?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Okay. So in the style of the podcast "My brother, my brother, and me" where they take advice from WikiHow
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: I am on WikiHow "how to use cheesy pickup lines"
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: Cheesy pickup lines are a fun way to start off the conversation helping to diffuse any nerves and get you and the other person laughing and talking. When used the right way, a good pickup line can lead to a great conversation that might even lead to more. Be confident. Go for unique, interesting comments and questions.
(10:00)
KAYLA: And you'll be chatting with your crush in no time. So method one is trying a pickup line in person
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: Make eye contact with them to see if they're interested. Before you approach the person, start laying the groundwork by trying some "long distance flirting"
SARAH: Mm... I...
KAYLA: Catch their eye from across the room. If they smile or hold eye contact for more than 3 seconds they're probably interested
SARAH: Three seconds is a long time. Hold on. We're going to pause for 3 seconds and I want you to picture holding eye contact with a stranger –
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: – from across the room? Are you ready?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Go.
(three seconds of silence later)
SARAH: That was 3 seconds.
KAYLA: Horrifying. Also imagine I'm long distance flirting with someone across the bar and I'm counting to myself "one, two"
SARAH: (laughing) one one thousand, two one thousand
KAYLA: The person just sees me mouthing three seconds to be like oh shit they looked away at 2, fuck.
SARAH: (laughing) One Mississippi, two Mississippi
KAYLA: Move a couple steps closer. If they start looking at you and smiling, start making your way over. They might show that they're attracted to you by touching their hair, neck, and lips, turning their body toward you, or taking an open, relaxed stance
SARAH: Mkay.
KAYLA: (laughing) Walk over slowly and casually or lean closer to them on the bar. You just slow walk? You're just moonwalking across the bar while still holding eye contact?
(laughter)
SARAH: (laughing) You know what I'm imagining? You know how in video games you have a character that's like –
KAYLA: (laughing) Yeah that's like idle
SARAH: They walk but they're like basically in place? That's what I'm picturing
KAYLA: Like the strippers in Grand Theft Auto that just like...
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Yeah.
(laughter)
SARAH: That's what I'm picturing
KAYLA: Give them a relaxed, confident smile. Your approach is crucial to the setup of your pickup line. You want to come across as confident and in control but also interested and engaging.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: If you're feeling nervous, take a couple of deep breaths. Pull your shoulders back and put your hands in your pockets to avoid fidgeting.
SARAH: Hold on, so your shoulders are fully back. And then your hands are shoved into your pockets?
(laughter)
KAYLA: Also I love – okay. To take this all. So you're across the bar
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: (laughing) You make eye contact. You count to three. You moonwalk over to them but halfway through the moonwalk you realize you're nervous so you go (heavy breathing) and then you roll your shoulders back and put your hands I guess in your back pockets because your shoulders are so in the back?
SARAH: (laughing) Tits out hands in the pockets
KAYLA: Interrupt their conversation politely when you hear a lull. If the person you're approaching is talking to others, wait until they pause to take a drink or look around
SARAH: What if they're talking to themselves?
KAYLA: I thought you were making eye contact? Yeah true. Then casually lean across, break into the conversation in a relaxed and polite way. You want to get their attention and make eye contact
SARAH: Lean in and break up the flirting they're doing with someone else
KAYLA: Someone else, yeah. Also I thought we were already making eye contact. Now you're telling me to make eye contact again? I thought we did this already.
SARAH: Well I think the point is you need to do it multiple times
KAYLA: I guess
SARAH: To indicate interest
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: In the specimen before you
KAYLA: Not the specimen. Okay, you could say something like "excuse me" or "hey is this seat taken?". Okay. Finally we're getting to the pickup line. Go for a humorous pickup line that's related to the setting or situation. Studies have shown – and there's like a research source from menshealth.com.
SARAH: Oh boy
KAYLA: Studies have shown that that pickup lines with the best success rates are funny ones. Making the other person laugh is a great way to create an instant bond. Avoid sarcasm
SARAH: Okay I have one that this website says is funny
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: (clears throat) On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
KAYLA: That one's funny because...
SARAH: It really depends on the racial and ethnic
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Identity of the person you're talking to, also whether they're queer or not. There's a lot to consider. There's socioeconomic stratus.
KAYLA: Yeah because
SARAH: It should be on a scale of one to mediocre middle-aged white man in the upper middle class of the United States
(15:00)
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Citizen. Fruitfully, gainfully employed, but that's a little long so I understand why they shorthanded it, but
KAYLA: I hate it.
SARAH: Me too
KAYLA: 0 out of 10. What? This is not a pickup line. Okay so these are some suggestions from WikiHow. "Wow the man bun really is making a comeback, isn't it?"
SARAH: That's just a conversation starter
KAYLA: That's not a pickup line. "I wonder how early we'd have to get here to be at the front of the line. Maybe if I brought a tent and camped out overnight" oh because they're saying you should do a pickup line that's related to where you are or what you're doing, but that's just a conversation starter
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: That's not a pickup line
SARAH: I got a pickup line for you
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Is your name Google? Because you have everything I'm searching for
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Except for fairly paid workers
KAYLA: Also like... not everything is on Google
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like the dark web isn't on Google
SARAH: Yeah. Hey Kayla?
KAYLA: Mhm?
SARAH: If you were a taser, you'd be set to stun. Do tasers have like multiple modes?
KAYLA: Maybe it's thinking... because there's in Star Trek, I don't even know if they're called tasers, but their weapon in Star Trek can be set to stun or kill
SARAH: (sighs) I guess but are they called tasers though? I'm not sure that they are
KAYLA: I don't know. Star Trek gun. What are the guns in Star Trek called? Let me see. Phasers.
SARAH: Phasers
KAYLA: Not tasers. Phasers sounds similar
SARAH: See so if you were a phaser you'd be set to stun... actually I think a better pickup line is if you were a taser you'd be set to kill because you're killing me with those looks
KAYLA: If looks could kill
SARAH: Truly. I feel like stun is you look nice but kill is you wound me with your beauty, so I think this one's pretty bad
KAYLA: Oh I have a really bad one
SARAH: Yeah?
KAYLA: Are you related to Jean Claude Van Dam because Jean Claude Van Dam(n) you're sexy
SARAH: Yeah that's 0 out of ten.
KAYLA: That's really bad
SARAH: Cheesy pickup lines for guys. Specifically for guys
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: If you were a fruit you'd be a fine-apple
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Oh this one. I can't tell if this is problematic or not?
KAYLA: Uh oh
SARAH: I just had to tell you your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see?
KAYLA: Hm.
SARAH: Hm. Wouldn't work on me. For a lot of reasons
KAYLA: Oh no. Hey, are you bi, because I want to bi with you.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Hey are you bi, B-I?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because I want to bi with – I'm assuming they mean you're supposed to say it like be but
SARAH: Oh yeah that doesn't fucking work
KAYLA: But that's nothing
SARAH: Yeah that doesn't make sense
KAYLA: No. Bad.
SARAH: How about this one? This one is number 69 on this list.
KAYLA: ha haha.
SARAH: It's cheesy and cute pickup lines for girls specifically.
KAYLA: Uh huh.
SARAH: So guys can't do this. Girls only.
KAYLA: Girls only
SARAH: Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
KAYLA: I don't like that. I've heard a lot of versions of kiss me if I'm wrong or whatever but I don't like it
SARAH: This one is just bad, wow. When god made you, he was seriously showing off. That's just bad.
KAYLA: Your body is 65% water and I'm thirsty.
SARAH: That –
KAYLA: What are you going to do? Vampire the liquid out of my body?
SARAH: You know what? I'm going to give that a 7 out of 10.
KAYLA: Like. What?
SARAH: Well.
KAYLA: This one I like. You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket? I just imagine you like taking someone's skin off and just like wrapping it around you like a blanket. Like mm yes thank you let me just unzip your skin suit.
SARAH: Oh this one I hate. I'm surprised the restaurant, bar, etc wherever you are hasn't asked you to leave yet. You're so beautiful you're making all the other girls look bad.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Why do we need to put down other women to compliment a woman? How about this one? Oh this is a classic. Hi my name is [your name] but you can call me tomorrow
KAYLA: No. Okay, this is one that I feel like is a cliche but I've heard it in like a song lyric
(20:00)
KAYLA: That I think is actually good so, okay.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: The pickup line is "are you not tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day" which like ooh, but I forget what song it's called but it's some Tyler the Creator song and the line is "I wonder if you looked both ways before you crossed my mind" and it's like aw man
SARAH: Oh that's good. That's a good one.
KAYLA: It's actually a bop.
SARAH: Yeah. Wow these really run the gamut. This one just says "I'm not sure what it is yet, but something about you seems really interesting."
KAYLA: What the fuck? That's not a compliment
SARAH: (laughing) So you think they're interesting but you can't figure out, you can't name a single good and interesting thing about them yet?
KAYLA: I have the worst one yet. Are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I'm not stalking you, I'm doing research.
SARAH: No. No. No.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: This one is very bold and presumptuous but maybe creative?
KAYLA: Okay?
SARAH: You know I'm actually terrible at flirting, how about you try to pick me up instead?
(laughter)
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Like that's certainly a thing you could say, a choice. You look like you know how to have a good time. Been on any adventures lately?
KAYLA: That's like again not a pickup line just like a conversation starter.
SARAH: Just be like "yeah you been on a hike as of late?"
KAYLA: This one is stupid. Are you Siri? Because you autocomplete me. Siri isn't the one that does the autocomplete
SARAH: No
KAYLA: That's not her job
SARAH: Siri listens. Siri's your therapist.
KAYLA: (laughing) Well. Hm.
SARAH: Okay this one is good. You hold out your hand and go "hey, I'm going for a walk. Would you mind holding this for me?" I think that's good
KAYLA: Okay but imagine someone just walks up to you and does that. Just a stranger
(laughter)
SARAH: I swear someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes
KAYLA: If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?
SARAH: Similar vibe to that, if beauty were time, you'd be eternity.
KAYLA: What? Wait start over
SARAH: Like neither of those make any sense
KAYLA: If beauty were time
SARAH: Yeah. You'd be eternity
KAYLA: You would be eternity? Okay stop. Stop. Everyone stop the show. Everyone shut up. We're staying on this until it's over. If beauty, if the concept of beauty were instead...
SARAH: (laughing) The concept of time
KAYLA: The concept of time then you...
SARAH: Does that mean time space? Like does it include space because the time space continuum?
KAYLA: Then you the person.
SARAH: (laughing) Would be the concept
KAYLA: I'm desperately trying to figure out. Is it supposed to be like those word problems you would do?
SARAH: I think it's just absurd
KAYLA: That's like beauty is to time as you are to infinity?
SARAH: (laughing) I don't know
KAYLA: I still don't get it.
SARAH: I don't know
KAYLA: Oh this one does say if you were a phaser on Star Trek you'd be set to stun.
SARAH: That makes sense. This one. You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that's the least interesting thing about you. I'd love to know more. Now this –
KAYLA: Oh my god. If someone came up to me and said that, I would vomit in their mouth
SARAH: (laughing) But this also goes completely against the one where it's like "I'm not sure what it is but there's something about you that's interesting"
KAYLA: I am obsessed with, we need to go back to that one because I imagine someone coming up to you and saying that. Like what would you, what would the proper response be? Like, okay?
SARAH: Like you can't figure it out? Okay.
KAYLA: What do you want?
SARAH: Get back to me when you know.
KAYLA: Like what is the proper response to that? I don't know
SARAH: now I hated this one but you know what, I'm going to give it a 5 out of 10 because it's clever. You ready?
KAYLA: I guess
SARAH: I believe in following my dreams. Can I have your Instagram?
KAYLA: That one's... I'll give that points for creativity
SARAH: yeah.
(25:00)
SARAH: I'd take you to the movies but they don't let you bring in your own snacks. Well if you stick them in your bag and you really bury them
KAYLA: That's true. I bring in my own snacks. I used to pop a bag of popcorn at home and put it in my large purse
SARAH: I'd bring a can of cherry coke to the movie theater with me every time I go. One time I brought in – actually this has happened more than once where I brought in a soft drink in a cup and put it in my bag
KAYLA: They just let you in?
SARAH: Well I hide it
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: One time I had Chipotle but I was running so late but I hadn't eaten dinner. It was after work and I was starving. But my bag wasn't big enough to hide my Chipotle and I was just trying to be like, hoping the guy wouldn't notice and the guy was like "girl, you can't bring in a bag of chipotle"
KAYLA: (laughing) What'd you do?
SARAH: (laughing) So he was like "go eat it" and so I very quickly ate some of it and the rest of it I was able to stuff in my bag, and then I stuffed my coke in my bag, and then I went in and then I ate my chips in the movie theater but the problem was it was an Arclight rip to Arclight and Arclight doesn't really do the 20 minutes of trailers that everyone else does and so I did miss the beginning of the movie, and I think it was Little Women.
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: I think it was the first, it wasn't a significant it was like the first 30 seconds of the movie but like. Anyway
KAYLA: Wowee
SARAH: Now you know
KAYLA: Do you smoke pot? Because we'd be cute together
SARAH: What? Is the person who wrote this one high?
KAYLA: Do you smoke pot? Because weed, get it?
SARAH: Weed?
KAYLA: Weed.
SARAH: Yeah. Dislike.
KAYLA: You know what my favorite pickup line is?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Damn girl you shit with that ass?
(laughter)
SARAH: Now that's good. How about this one?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside? Let me just take my scalpel
KAYLA: Yeah let me just cut open real quick and we can –
SARAH: And slice myself open. Let's look at my organs.
KAYLA: Yeah let's check it out. Let me pull up my X-rays actually
SARAH: I was wondering if you're an artist because you're really good at drawing me in
KAYLA: Ew. Sarah?
SARAH: Mm?
KAYLA: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
SARAH: Um, a little bit but like I did gymnastics so I was taught how to fall, so it was okay
KAYLA: Oh that's good
SARAH: Hey, Kayla?
KAYLA: Yeah?
SARAH: I hope you know CPR because you just took my breath away. Oh wait. I was going to roast that because CPR does not take you breath away but the point is that you need to know CPR
KAYLA: Yeah. Yes because of, yeah.
SARAH: Because of that. If it was like are you CPR because you took my breath away that wouldn't make sense
KAYLA: If you were a booger I'd pick you first
SARAH: When I look in your eyes I see a very kind soul
(laughter)
KAYLA: What? Again, imagine someone comes up to you and says that. I would be so creeped out.
SARAH: And then the next one on this list is if you were a vegetable you'd be a cute-cumber. Like what the fuck?
KAYLA: If someone came up to me and started talking about what they thought my soul looked like, I would... that would be it for the day
SARAH: Kayla.
KAYLA: Yes?
SARAH: I didn't know what I wanted in a woman until I saw you
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I never believed in love at first sight but that was before I saw you.
KAYLA: No. Of all of the beautiful curves on your body, your smile is my favorite.
SARAH: There was another one to do with love at first sight which I thought was funnier which was "do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?". Are you an electrician? Because you're definitely lighting up my day/night. What if they are?
KAYLA: Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your ass is refreshing.
(laughter)
SARAH: That, 10 out of 10. The only way to objectify my ass is by saying that
KAYLA: Oh my god
SARAH: It says in the Bible to only think about what's pure and lovely so I've been thinking about you all day long
KAYLA: What the fuck?
SARAH: If being sexy was a crime you'd be guilty as charged
KAYLA: My mom said she found a beautiful and intelligent girl for me, is that you? Jesus. What?
(30:00)
SARAH: My god
KAYLA: (gasps) Ew
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Are you space shuttle Challenger? Because I want to explode inside of you
SARAH: negative 5
KAYLA: You can't say that
SARAH: (laughing) I think that's considered sexual harassment
KAYLA: You can't say that actually.
SARAH: Oh man. How about this one? You're like a fine wine, the more of you I drink in, the better I feel, but if you drink too much you're going to regret it
KAYLA: You do not feel good. Are you an orphanage because I want to give you kids?
SARAH: Um
KAYLA: Aren't you supposed to take the kids out?
SARAH: yeah I don't think you should want to give an orphanage kids
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Maybe it's like a are you a kind and good foster family because
KAYLA: It just
SARAH: I was wondering, if you could tell me, if you're here who's running heaven? Does heaven need to be run? Is there like a...?
KAYLA: Isn't that god's job?
SARAH: Is there like a chief operations officer of heaven?
KAYLA: Yeah isn't that, who's the one that stands at the door and lets you in?
SARAH: Father, son, holy spirit. Cerberus. Cerberus is the wrong one
KAYLA: I don't know, who's the angel that stands at the door?
SARAH: Michael?
KAYLA: Who's the bouncer. Yeah.
SARAH: (laughing) You know the only reason I know that is not because of actual religion but because of a very sacrilegious script that I read
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: Hi I'm [your name]. Do you remember me? Oh that's right we've only met in my dreams. That's creepy
KAYLA: I don't... yeah that is creepy
SARAH: Also they say that you only dream of faces you've actually seen in real life
KAYLA: They do say that
SARAH: I don't know if that's true
KAYLA: I don't either but they do say that
SARAH: But if it is true, that means they've probably been stalking you by looking at you on the internet or in real life because why else would your face be in their dream?
KAYLA: It's very suspicious. Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? Hold up mirror. So for this one you would have to carry a prop. You would have to do some object work
SARAH: Like how big of a mirror is this? Can we have a little compact mirror or are we bringing like a heavy, like a big full body mirror?
KAYLA: Yeah like a full body mirror and just pull it out from behind you
SARAH: Good
KAYLA: Kind of lugging it around the bar
SARAH: How about this? I thought this was bar/restaurant, etc. but it must be a museum because you're a piece of art. Then you know what? Stay 6 feet away and talk quietly. Thanks.
KAYLA: (groans)
SARAH: Why do we have to be quiet in museums? It's like church
KAYLA: It's because the art is sleeping
SARAH: Okay you right
KAYLA: Remember? Because then they come alive at night
SARAH: Night of the museum
KAYLA: They're nocturnal. Duh.
SARAH: Gay cowboys.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Megalodon
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: Yeah okay. Are you a time traveler, because I see you in my future
KAYLA: But wouldn't they be seeing you right now?
SARAH: Yeah and also unless they leave really swiftly than yeah you see them for at least a second or two in your future
KAYLA: Oh this one's actually kind of good. I ought to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week's hottest single. That's kind of funny
SARAH: What if they're not single?
KAYLA: Well then you should stop flirting with them.
SARAH: What if they're poly?
KAYLA: Unless they're poly or in an open relationship
SARAH: If you were a transformer you'd be optimus fine
KAYLA: I've seen that like 12,000 times and I do hate it. Okay so I just read the one you read earlier "I didn't know what I wanted in a woman until I saw you" but I read it wrong as "I didn't know I wanted to be a woman until I saw you"
(laughter)
SARAH: Gender envy?
KAYLA: And I was like, that's a really nice compliment actually.
SARAH: It's like a gay awakening but a gender awakening
KAYLA: It feels like a compliment I think
SARAH: That's a huge compliment
KAYLA: I like that one better.
SARAH: I've heard it said that kissing is the language of – (engine sounds) Shut the fuck up you piece of shit
KAYLA: No. No.
SARAH: It was so aggressive. I've heard it said that kissing is the language of love. Would you care to have a conversation about it with me some time?
(35:00)
SARAH: Now the implication here is that you'd be kissing. The conversation is kissing, but it's never specified. But you could just have a conversation in English or the language of your choice about whether kissing is the language of love. A nice debate. You know?
KAYLA: Yeah just get some podiums out, do a real debate club about it
SARAH: Yeah. Are you a magician? It's just the strangest thing every time I look at you everyone else just disappears. I think that might be a medical concern.
KAYLA: Yeah I would definitely go to a doctor about that one
SARAH: I would never play hide and seek with you because someone like you is impossible to find
KAYLA: But that can't be true because they did find you
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because you're talking
SARAH: Yeah. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes
KAYLA: no.
SARAH: You've got everything I've been searching for and believe me I've been looking a long time. Now this is a bit self deprecating or it's saying you have really high standards, but also assuming this person is a stranger, how do you know they've got everything you're looking for? If all you've been searching for is a plastic surgery nose then I mean that's not hard to find. I live in LA it's not hard to find
KAYLA: You know what's upsetting?
SARAH: Mhm?
KAYLA: Is I've been looking at articles of best pickup lines and –
SARAH: And they're all bad
KAYLA: Yes and then I just switched to an article for the worst pickup lines
SARAH: And they're the same?
KAYLA: And they're all the same. It is literally the same ones
SARAH: Kayla are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.
KAYLA: I don't want to be compared to a loan
SARAH: Excuse me I don't mean to intrude but you owe me a drink because when I saw you I dropped mine. That's not how that works.
KAYLA: Ugh. Your breasts remind me of Mt. Rushmore. My face should be among them. That implies it's a president saying this to someone
SARAH: It also implies that the face is facing outward
KAYLA: yeah imagine Mt. Rushmore is just the back of heads
(laughter)
SARAH: It also implies this is a sacred rock stolen from Native peoples
KAYLA: Yeah there's a lot
SARAH: And desecrated
KAYLA: Going on. A lot going on in that one.
SARAH: Kayla are you sugar because you're sweet and I want to spoon you. Spoon me into what?
KAYLA: Sarah did you just fart because you blow me away?
SARAH: I would rather walk off a cliff
KAYLA: Ew!
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: I'm on an article of bad ones and they really are especially bad.
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.
SARAH: (sighs) I would walk away and then find a vat of hot wax and stick my head in it
KAYLA: Yeah. I agree.
SARAH: I like the intentionally bad like Valentine's cards that are often themed. I have a bunch of BTS ones where a lot of them won't make sense to people who aren't BTS fans but I have a couple that I think will. One of the members of BTS his stage name is J hope which is really ripe – rife
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: Rife with content for puns so this one says J and then there's a space and it says PE, are you the ho I'm missing?
KAYLA: That's silly.
SARAH: I can be your J Ho
KAYLA: Oh that's it?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Oh okay
SARAH: There's a member called Jimin and this one is just Be Ji-mine
KAYLA: Bad
SARAH: This one. Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice. You're tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt me
KAYLA: One of my favorite things about Valentine's season is the silly little valentines with the memes that everyone makes. They're very good.
SARAH: I love them so much`
KAYLA: We made some back in the day. It's been a while.
SARAH: We did?
KAYLA: Yeah like forever ago
SARAH: Okay. This one is a picture of Andrew Garfield from the movie The Social Network. It's the scene when he's selling at Mark Zuckerberg
KAYLA: With the fuck you flip-flop?
SARAH: Yeah. You better lawyer up Valentine because I'm not coming back for 30% I'm coming back for all of you
(40:04)
KAYLA: I love Garfussy
SARAH: Oh well now I have to leave. This is a John Mulaney one. I'd let you take me to a secondary location. This one's a picture of Javert from Les Miserables and he says "Can I get your number?"
KAYLA: I get it
SARAH: My number is 24601
KAYLA: Because he really likes the number
SARAH: There's also one that says you're the 24601 for me
KAYLA: Well that's silly
SARAH: Pullitzer may own the world but you're my world
KAYLA: You're my oyster
SARAH: World is your oyster. This is a Dear Evan Hansen one. I love talking to you about life and other stuff. You know, I just saw one that reminded me of a Fall Out Boy lyric
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: Which is excellent. They're always better when they're in lyric form I think because they don't feel like pickup lines, but there is a song. I believe it's a song called "Our lawyer made us change the name of this song so we wouldn't get sued"
KAYLA: Ah yes
SARAH: Our lawyer made us change the name of our – it cuts off on Spotify I can't even read the whole thing. What is the name of this song? Actually I don't even think it's from that song. Bro it's from Just One Yesterday which was a song that came out many albums later. Anyway. The lyric is "anything you say can and will be held against you so only say my name"
KAYLA: Ha ha ha
SARAH: Miranda rights. Incredible. Let's stop.
KAYLA: Yeah. I agree.
SARAH: In conclusion
KAYLA: Bad
SARAH: Our poll is what?
KAYLA: Give us your worst pickup line
SARAH: Yeah give us your worst pickup line
KAYLA: Yeah try to pick us up
SARAH: Try to pick us up. I would love some aspec pickup lines. Cow related pickup lines, chicken related pickup lines. Great. Kayla what is your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: My juice – no we have to start with beef. My beef is that I'm recording this right now
SARAH: Kayla would you like to tell people what time it is for you?
KAYLA: It is 12:52 am
SARAH: on what day of the week?
KAYLA: Wednesday.
SARAH: Well it's Thursday for you. It's Wednesday for me
KAYLA: Now it's Thursday for me.
SARAH: Kayla's made a silly
KAYLA: I made a silly with my scheduling this week. I went to a Florence and the Machine concert. It was very good
SARAH: And the machine
KAYLA: But then I had to come home and record the latest podcast in history and I'm very sleepy and yes. (yawning) See listen to how sleepy I am
SARAH: Evidence
KAYLA: My juice is that I got my new desk chair and it's extra wide so you can cross your legs on it
SARAH: Ooh
KAYLA: And it's very good. That's all.
SARAH: Very very excellent. My beef is LA traffic. Why did it take me 45 minutes to get to work this morning just because it was overcast?
KAYLA: Fun.
SARAH: It was overcast so it took like 10-15 extra minutes to get to work. Why? My juice is albums that have like overtures or outros but not necessarily musicals or whatever, those also, but I mean like modern
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Musical albums that have overtures or outros that like mash up a bunch if not all of the songs from the album. AJR and John Bellion both have really good ones and I think they're great. And they're nice. That's all. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your favorite pickup line, your least favorite pickup line, or (long pause) yep
KAYLA: (laughing) Okay
SARAH: I'm going to leave that whole pause in. Usually I cut the pauses
KAYLA: There's your 3 seconds right there
SARAH: I'm going to leave that in so everyone knows how long I was struggling to come up with literally any end to that sentence
KAYLA: Any thought whatsoever
SARAH: You can tell us about all of those things on our social media @soundsfakepod. You can also find out who has won Sherronda's book in our giveaway. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Mary S., Mattie, Mel McMeans, Melissa Kaufman and Nick Ford. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote – okay first of all rip to Minnie, Leia and Loki they're not dead, Maggie just moved out
KAYLA: Oh my god Sarah you're going to worry the people
SARAH: That's why I said it quickly you know. But Maggie has a new puppy Ezra Bean. Do you call them Ezra Bean or is their full name Ezra Bean? This is very important to me
KAYLA: Either way very good
SARAH: That's what Maggie would like to promote. Leia Minni and Loki will always be in my heart. Martin Chiesl who would like to promote his podcast if everyone's special no one is, Mattie would like to promote gender euphoria, Potater would like to promote potatoes, Purple Hayes would like to promote their friends' podcast The Host Club. Our other $10 patrons are Rosie Costello, Barefoot Backpacker, The Steve, Zirklteo, Arcnes, Ari K, Benjamin Ybarra, Changeling and Alex the ace cat who can read, David Jay, David Nurse, Derek and Carissa, CinnamonToastPunch, and my Aunt Jeannie. Our $15 patrons are Andrew Hillum who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline who would like to promote Ace of Hearts, Dia Chappell who would like to promote Twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person, Keziah Root who would like to promote the people who come into your life for a small time but just when you need them, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com – why are all the long ones back to back? – I'm sorry I just made the mic shake I just felt really strongly. Kayla's Aunt Nina who would like to promote @katemaggart.art, and Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere. Our $20 patrons are Sabrina Hauck who would like to promote the concept of Christmas from your parents and Dragonfly who would like to promote The Machine
KAYLA: Mm.
SARAH: Thanks for listening tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows
(46:54)