Ep 329: Listener Lore pt. 3
SARAH: Hey, what's up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah, that's me.)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (That's me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, ‘Listener Lore.’
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
SARAH: What is this, part three?
KAYLA: I think it's three.
SARAH: Should we say that?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Great. Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Hello.
SARAH: Hi. How is everyone doing?
KAYLA: Well.
SARAH: Congrats to Americans everywhere, you're now all women?
KAYLA: I was gonna congratulate all non-Americans for not being American, so that's interesting.
SARAH: I would just like to congratulate all Americans for being women now, because it's the gender at conception. And that is…
KAYLA: And that is how… We all start… woman. We do all start woman.
SARAH: So
KAYLA: The clit becomes the dick.
SARAH: Click.
KAYLA: Click. Anyway. It does, though. Look it up, I think. I don't actually know if that's true.
SARAH: Yeah, no, I think you're right. I hope everyone is doing as well as possible, all things considered.
KAYLA: Yeah. We're gonna try to keep it light, keep it fun in this one. See if we can just not think about it. Sarah is… is there something wrong with her?
SARAH: Hello?
KAYLA: Hello
SARAH: Sorry, I accidentally muted you. I didn't hear the end of your silly…
KAYLA: Wow. Wow.
SARAH: I was trying to turn you down because you're too loud, but with Zoom you can't…
KAYLA: I don't know how else to make myself quieter.
SARAH: No, no, no, no. It's not your fault you're loud, it's my mic's fault you're loud.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Because the gain that I have it set on impacts not just what it's picking up from me, but also how loud it makes you.
KAYLA: I see what you mean.
SARAH: And so, I upped my gain so that it would hear me better, but now you're too loud.
KAYLA: Should I lower my gain?
SARAH: You could.
KAYLA: I could stand to be quieter. I'm gonna lower it by five, see how that makes us feel.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Wow, the waves are significantly smaller. Okay, anyway.
SARAH: Technical shenanigans.
KAYLA: Mm, yes
SARAH: What was the end of your silly thing that you said that I missed, because I had something muted you?
KAYLA: I guess you'll just have to wait to the edit.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: A lot of build up for what was just not even…
SARAH: Story of my life.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: Great. Do we have any housekeeping? No.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week, it is the third edition of ‘Listener Lore,’ where we ask you to send us your wild stories like it were Reddit, and then we read them. I'm gonna try to pick some ones that are not bummers.
SARAH: Great.
KAYLA: I haven't really read any of these, because I like to also go in not knowing too much.
SARAH: And we don't prepare for anything on this podcast.
KAYLA: Obviously. So, I'm gonna have you pick numbers like usual, and then do a bit of a skim, and then see how I feel.
SARAH: 44
KAYLA: Oh, okay. Before we start, just to say that you can submit your own stories. Well, I'll put the link in the description of this episode, but you can always feel free to submit your own stories. Okay, let me skim really quick. Okay, this is from someone who did not submit their name, and they've given everyone fun fake names, but I don't know that they give themselves a fake name. So, what would you like to call them?
SARAH: Rubber chicken.
KAYLA: Okay, I guess I probably should have told you the theme of the other names they gave people, but we're just gonna roll with that. So, all names are fake. This all happened pre-COVID, and no one got hurt, and everything worked out okay is the preamble that they gave.
SARAH: Great.
KAYLA: And they were typing on a slightly broken phone. So, apologies for weird spellings. I hope that you have since gotten a new phone or had it fixed.
SARAH: Well, it was pre-COVID, so I hope so.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Oh, wait.
KAYLA: No. No, no.
SARAH: I did that wrong.
KAYLA: Yes. Okay, are you ready?
SARAH: I've never been more ready in a week.
KAYLA: Okay. Great. Opening shot, interior. My desk at work with my long-time friend and also coworker. Me, maybe 26, and my friend Worm, also 26, are working as normal when Worm gets a text from their sister Moth, 17, while she is working at a seasonal Halloween store.
SARAH: What about Rubber Chicken doesn't match?
KAYLA: You're right, and that's my bad. So, Moth, the sister, had just helped a young mother find and purchase some children's Halloween costumes and had been invited to some sort of event. Ensue the string of text conversation between the two siblings where Worm is trying to get more info and details about what their sister is talking about, but Moth isn't being incredibly cooperative and also doesn't have that much info. This random customer didn't really give her much explanation on what it was, just a time and address. Okay, so the sister works Halloween retail and this customer just invited her somewhere.
SARAH: Weird.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Is it like a regular? You don’t know.
KAYLA: At this point in time, Worm has gotten more and more concerned and upset and told me all the details and both of us are now worried this is some strange human trafficking attempt, so I convinced Worm to call the non-emergency line to ask the police and they do just that and they're told they will get a call back from their people who deal with human trafficking…
SARAH: You're never going to get a call back.
KAYLA: Exactly.
SARAH: It's the police.
KAYLA: Oh, we get that call back…
SARAH: Wow
KAYLA: from the state's division who deals with human trafficking and Worm tells them all the details. They do seem also concerned and say they will be in touch again and send some people to watch/look into the address provided. They googled the address and it was just a house in a nice neighborhood. At this point, we have also tried everything to convince Moth not to go, saying we will take her to the movies and that we are concerned this…
SARAH: Why is Moth so insistent on going to this event that she knows almost nothing about that a random person that bought Halloween costumes from her has invited her to?
KAYLA: I am about to get to what they explain as the reason.
SARAH: Well, I'm just really ahead of it.
KAYLA: Yeah. So, they say they'll take her to the movies and that they're concerned it's a bad situation and that they called the police, but for some reason that 17-year-old mush brain just doesn't want to give up.
SARAH: Moth is 17?
KAYLA: Yeah, Moth is 17. Moth also described this person as really pretty, so I'm not sure it was just some crazed teen brain thinking they might have a chance. No idea, honestly. But I think the late… Wasn't it a mom?
SARAH: You know, she could have been a hot single milf.
KAYLA: A young mother. Yeah. Sure. I don't remember all the details of the police calling back for more details and everything, as this was so long ago, but it ends up with them asking if one or more of us, since Moth was so determined to go anyway, would want to just go to this event and wear a wire. Incredible.
SARAH: I… this is so, like, I really want to know, because to me, this just seems, like, weird.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Like, my brain does not jump to human trafficking.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: So, the fact that Worm and Rubber Chicken are this concerned about it leads me to believe that there's, like, just some, like, weird details that maybe have been forgotten or, like, vibes that, like, I, as someone being told at third hand, I'm not picking up on. And the fact that the police were, like, this seems credible.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Not that I trust the police.
KAYLA: Yeah. But, like, I don't know, maybe they live in an area where this happens a lot.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like, it's also weird because it is an underage person with someone who, I'm guessing, invited them who was an adult. So, like, that is, it is not great.
SARAH: Yeah, especially if it's, like, a stranger.
KAYLA: And if you're the police and someone calls that in and then you choose to do nothing and then something happens, you're going to look real bad.
SARAH: Kind of have to do something.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So anyway, they decide, yes, they're going to wear the wire because now 17-year-old Brain just thinks this is such a cool situation and Worm is freaking the fuck out. So, I say I'll also go because if worse comes to worse, I always wanted to punch someone. Great. So now we're all going.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: So about 30 minutes before this event, the three of us meet the police in a church parking lot, of course, a few blocks from the house, and they give Worm and Moth some microphones and also a coffee cup with a camera in it. Okay. Budget. I got nothing and I'm still kind of mad about that. Yeah, that's kind of fucked up. They claim that they had people watching the area all day and nothing really suspicious has happened, but they believe it may be one of those scams where they trick young girls into signing up to be models and they do all the headshots and everything for a big fee, but then they take the money and run.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: At this point, it's like 7 p.m. and dark outside because it's October and the three of us with only me being vulnerable without a wire or camera make our way to the house and the door just has a paper that says you can enter without knocking. So already off to a creepy start.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: Ugh
KAYLA: We enter and there are about four or five people already there in the living room just down the hall. We go in and say hi and ask the woman who says she's the host what this is because we didn't get a lot of info and we have plans so we don't know if we can stay. She says she doesn't want to…
SARAH: That’s smart
KAYLA: Yeah. Always have plans after. That's… always have plans after.
SARAH: There's someone waiting on you, like you have to make sure that...
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah, they're expecting you
KAYLA: Always. So, the lady says she doesn't want to repeat herself and asks us to just wait until everyone arrives and if we need to leave early, we can.
SARAH: Weird. Is this a seance?
KAYLA: Imagine. At this point we sit on the couch and ask Moth if the woman who invited her is here. She is not.
SARAH: Okay, so do the other people here seem to know each other?
KAYLA: I don't think so.
SARAH: And the host seems unperturbed that these strangers are in her home.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean she had a sign on the door that said like just come in. So, there's a young couple off to the side and one or two more people in the room. We sit for a bit and eventually ask another one or two times if we can get more info on what this is with the same response of not wanting to repeat themselves.
SARAH: Do the other people seem to know what's going on? But I mean they must not if they've been asking.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean you would assume that if they knew they would have answered.
SARAH: Yeah, especially if you're like asking multiple times like clearly kind of like anxious about it.
KAYLA: Yeah, I feel like they would have.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: At this point, I have no bad feeling in my guts and I'm just actually really annoyed. Looking around the room, I notice a bunch of bags and bottles placed around and squint to read a few of them. It's a weight loss supplement.
SARAH: Is this an MLM?
KAYLA: And living in the holy land of multi-level marketing scams, I knew exactly what was happening. So, I send a text to Worm explaining what is happening.
SARAH: That's why she invited a random stranger. Oh my god.
KAYLA: Uh-huh. So, I text Worm explaining what's going on and just a few minutes later, they start the presentation with saying that they don't want anyone to stand up and disrupt the presentation, which made Rubber Chicken even more mad.
SARAH: But you can leave early, but you can't stand up?
KAYLA: I guess. At this point, my blood is boiling that a grown adult would approach a teenager who is very fit and skinny at their place of work and corner them into accepting this invitation to sell them weight loss scam drugs while being super shady and creepy about it.
SARAH: Ugh.
KAYLA: Worm and I are texting and we all three decide we're just…
SARAH: Wait, did the person who invited her show up?
KAYLA: No, it doesn't say it.
SARAH: How are they going to get in her downline if she's not there to claim them?
KAYLA: That's actually such a good point. Okay, so they all three decide they're just going to leave, so they stand up. And the host giving the presentation gives us a rude, “oh, you're leaving?” And “goodbye.” And when we are walking out of the room, we pass, who I later learn is the original woman who invited Moth.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay. So, she is there. I am angry and naturally a petty person. So, as we are walking out the door and I'm hearing this woman be rude about us leaving, even though she said we could, and then they all tricked us, I just scream, “fuck you.” Great. We returned to the church parking lot…
SARAH: They didn't get to punch anyone.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: Damn.
KAYLA: That's true. Okay. Anyway, so they return to the church parking lot and give this stuff to the police. They are laughing at me screaming, “fuck you.” And we were all talking about how annoying those women were to be creepy and trick us into an MLM scam in the same way that someone may try to human traffic a person. Pretty intense.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: The moral of the story is if you are trying to get people into an MLM, I have no respect for you and you should be in jail. The end. Also, my parents were really upset I decided to go along with them and potentially walk into a human trafficker’s den, so to speak. And that is the story.
SARAH: That is… I'm glad that the police had like a sense of humor about it because like…
KAYLA: Yeah, I'm glad they also like were willing to do something about it.
SARAH: Yeah. Like MLMs are like fucked up, but…
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Except in like really extreme scenarios and like a proper pyramid scheme scenario, they are legal.
KAYLA: Yeah. No. Yeah.
SARAH: So, like there's not really anything they can do about that.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Other than roll up and say, “don't be so fucking creepy next time, Jesus Christ, you want the Feds on you?”
KAYLA: Yeah. I do wonder if there's some kind of warning, they could give about like, hey, this is an underage person you just invited to your home randomly. Like don't do that. But…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I guess I don't know how those kinds of things work.
SARAH: Yeah. This is an underage stranger. Well, it's an underage stranger that this person invited to someone else's house.
KAYLA: Else's house. Yeah. No, it's weird. I guess that does make me make it make sense that the worry for human trafficking, if the woman, the original woman made it clear, it was not her house.
SARAH: Mm. Yeah.
KAYLA: I guess either way it's creepy.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, there you go.
SARAH: Wow. What a journey.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Do we have any indication of what year this was? Like how far pre-COVID?
KAYLA: Uh, I mean, they say it was long enough ago that they like don't remember all the details.
SARAH: I don't remember all the details of yesterday.
KAYLA: Well, they said it was ‘so long ago.’
SARAH: Yesterday was so long ago, I don't remember anything.
KAYLA: I'm going to assume several years, at least.
SARAH: Several years pre-COVID or several years ago?
KAYLA: Several years ago, at least.
SARAH: Well, if it was pre-COVID that is already several years ago.
KAYLA: Okay. I don't know what to say.
SARAH: This is an unnecessary argument.
KAYLA: I guess Rubber Chicken if you want to follow up, I would be… well, you're not going to want us to tell us where you live and that's fine. I am...
SARAH: Well, they said MLM hotspot.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It could be Utah.
KAYLA: I guess, that’s a good point
SARAH: It could be Michigan because Michigan is the home of… not Avon. Um, the ones with the fucking education lady, DeVos, Betsy DeVos.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: What’s her family's thing?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Amway. Michigan is the home of Amway.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: I literally just looked up DeVos MLM and it immediately came up. Like, but when you… when they said like hotspot, I immediately was like, Utah?
KAYLA: Uh, my immediate follow-up questions to this story, which there is no pressure to answer because I understand that is sensitive information, but I am very curious what kind of place this took place in and also how long ago it was.
SARAH: I feel like it's definitely at least… it's like rural or suburban leaning rural is the vibe I get. I could be wrong.
KAYLA: That's interesting. My initial thing was city. If like human trafficking is like that big of a concern, but also, I don't think MLMs are as big in cities.
SARAH: Yeah. Also, they met in a church parking lot, which cities do have churches
KAYLA: But not parking lots
SARAH: But also, the fact that the police were willing to take this seriously leads me to believe that it is a smaller community.
KAYLA: No, that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense.
SARAH: And I feel like there are like in rural areas, some of them do have problems with human trafficking
KAYLA: Oh, sure
SARAH: Because people can just like disappear.
KAYLA: Yeah. My… yeah, my mind obviously goes straight to cities because it's like, oh, city's crime, but I know that's not realistic. Anyway, this was not supposed to be a bummer.
SARAH: Crime
KAYLA: So, we're going to stop talking about that. Okay. Pick a number.
SARAH: 19.
KAYLA: You can go up to… okay. Just for reference, you can go up to like 77.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: 19. Okay. This comes from, uh, they put their name as AMAB question asker. He/They. Do you want to give them a name?
SARAH: All I can think of is AMAB or AMAT.
KAYLA: Okay. We can go with AMAT. Okay. So, they say, this is more of a question than a Reddit story.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: I used the washroom at work. Okay. British.
SARAH: Or Canadian.
KAYLA: Fine. I used the washroom at work.
SARAH: Actually, if they say washroom, more likely Canadian. If they were British, they would probably say toilet.
KAYLA: Oh, they do be saying toilet, which is so silly because that's not the room, that's the toilet. Anyway. I used the washroom…
SARAH: Assigned Canadian by Sarah.
KAYLA: Stop it. Stop. Stop it. I used the washroom at work.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: If I have to go, I go. I've been here for five-ish years now. Today I was using the urinal and I saw a face in the toilet. Similar to how you see a face in a house or in a wood grain. Do you understand?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, you just like see a pattern in something that like looks like eyes and a mouth. Once you see it…
SARAH: Yeah. Like Jesus in the toaster and the potato chip.
KAYLA: Exactly. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. This face looks distraught and beaten down. I'm having a hard time peeing into this toilet now. Any tips for getting past this and resuming my bathroom breaks?
SARAH: Draw a face on it.
KAYLA: They included no picture, which this might've been before I included the part of the form where you could add a reference picture right from the form. So, I’m going to say straight out, I'm gonna need a picture of this, I have to be seeing a picture of this.
SARAH: Is there only one urinal available for your use?
KAYLA: That's what, well, they also said toilet, not urinal. I know, I was using the urinal and I saw a face in the toilet. Okay. I'm just as confused that they use the word urinal and toilet. I guess the washroom at work. Do you think a washroom is like a single room?
SARAH: It might be.
KAYLA: Or like a bathroom with stalls?
SARAH: It could be a single room where they're like, this is a single stall bathroom
KAYLA: Yeah
[00:20:00]
SARAH: But we're going to put a urinal and a toilet in it because it's for men. Fuck you.
KAYLA: Yeah, I guess that would be…
SARAH: That has been done.
KAYLA: I guess. I'm just thinking… I guess I don't know. So, I used to work at a company that was very small. So, we had, there was two bathrooms and each of them were like single stall ones, just like a room.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And we had like a men's and a women's, but there was like only three men that worked there. So, we all used whatever bathroom we wanted because whatever. But I can't remember… I don't remember there being a urinal in either of them, I think it was just like two identical.
SARAH: Yeah. It's not super common I would say, because like it could be that there's a urinal and a toilet next to each other.
KAYLA: I think…
SARAH: And they're looking at the toilet or the urinal is the toilet.
KAYLA: Here's the thing.
SARAH: Excuse me. AMABs, do you use toilet and urinal interchangeably?
KAYLA: So that's why it's like…
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Say… I cannot imagine a scenario where you walk into like a single room bathroom and there is only a urinal.
SARAH: You're right.
KAYLA: So, like the immediate tip I have for you is just use a different pee receptacle, there's got to be another one.
SARAH: Also, this could be answered with a photo, but like usually like a toilet or a urinal will be made out of like porcelain or like something that you wouldn't… because like they mentioned like wood… wood grain is like an example, but like you don't have the same kind of, you know, like how would you see a face in it?
KAYLA: You know what I'm worried about?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Is that it's the urinal itself that is face shaped. I need to look up what a urinal looks like, because I said it looks distraught and I kind of…
SARAH: Oh, no
KAYLA: I'm kind of like picturing the urinal and it could be like a wide gaping mouth. And so that's really is going to cause you some problems if that's what you're seeing.
SARAH: Oh, no
KAYLA: I mean, urinals look so different bathroom to bathroom.
SARAH: They do?
KAYLA: But I can… Yeah, there's like different shapes. I think you’d like Google urinal right now. There's like…
SARAH: I don’t wanna
KAYLA: They all look so different
SARAH: Okay, I don’t wanna
KAYLA: But here's my problem… That's fine.
SARAH: But now I have to.
KAYLA: If, especially if the plumbing was a certain way at the top, because the urinals I am seeing online and that I am used to seeing is like the pipes are at the top and then there's like the ‘bowl’ part.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: So, especially if the pipes were somehow laid out to look like eyes. If it was like a pipe that like split into two or something.
SARAH: Oh, no
KAYLA: I could see… I'm worried that the urinal itself is the distraught face, Sarah. In which case I don't know how to help.
SARAH: I'm distraught just thinking about that.
KAYLA: Because you know what I am seeing?
SARAH: Mm?
KAYLA: I'm seeing some types of urinals that are more like circular.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And it looks like if a Muppet were to open its mouth.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: If you know what I'm saying. And so then to me, the real concern here is that you're peeing into a mouth.
SARAH: Canadian AMAT. The only solution to this is every time you go to the bathroom, you have to use a regular toilet. You can't use a urinal.
KAYLA: Do toilets look like faces too? I need to Google what a toilet looks like.
SARAH: You need to Google what a toilet looks like?
KAYLA: I'm not going to walk into my bathroom.
SARAH: I mean, they could. They could, but less so.
KAYLA: It's like not… it's not as there…
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I mean, you can't close your eyes.
SARAH: Well, you could.
KAYLA: If you were really confident in your aim, but like.
SARAH: I mean, even if you're not, you could close your eyes. Like no one is stopping you.
KAYLA: One could close their eyes.
SARAH: One could close one's eyes.
KAYLA: I mean, I think the best solution here is like no more urinals, because even if my theory is wrong and it was not the urinal itself that you are seeing as a face, I fear I've put that idea in everyone's head now. And I… and we all might be screwed up. Where's Dean? Dean? Can you come here, please?
SARAH: You know what I hate?
KAYLA: Mm?
SARAH: When British people say ur-eye-nal.
KAYLA: They say that?
SARAH: I've heard it before. I don't know if it's standard or not, but I've heard it before.
KAYLA: Do you ever worry about the fact that a urinal kind of looks like a face, like an open mouth? Have you ever seen that in a urinal? Now that I say it, do you see it? Come look at this urinal picture. He's like not even coming in the room. Does this not kind of look like the open mouth of a Muppet?
DEAN: Um
KAYLA: Are you going to be able to use urinals now that we've had this conversation?
DEAN: I mean, it doesn't look like a face.
KAYLA: Okay. Here, let me… I think Dean actually could give some really good advice on this as the only AMAB I have access to currently.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, this person wrote in…
DEAN: Hello, I'm the AMAB.
KAYLA: Hi.
SARAH: Assigned Dean at birth.
KAYLA: So, this person wrote in, they were using the urinal and they saw a face in the toilet. Like how you could like look at a house with a door and the windows and be like, “Oh, it looks like a face,” you know?
DEAN: All right
KAYLA: And they said the face looks distraught and beaten down and now they're having a hard time peeing into… well, they said into this toilet now. So, is it the specific toilet or is it like all urinals kind of look a bit face shaped?
SARAH: It could be this particular…
KAYLA: Urinal
SARAH: Flavor of urinal.
KAYLA: What do you think?
DEAN: Um, I don't think...
KAYLA: You think it's that specific toilet it has something wrong with it?
DEAN: Um
KAYLA: Do you have any tips for them for getting past that and resuming their work bathroom breaks? Because this is at work, so that's tough.
DEAN: Are all of the bathrooms on every floor the same?
KAYLA: We don't have answers. We've asked and we have no answers.
SARAH: Imagine working somewhere with multiple floors.
DEAN: I would say try a different bathroom on a different floor.
KAYLA: What if there's only one… what if it's like one room, like a one room bathroom and that's all they have at work, this is the only option. Then what? I don't know that they can hear. Can you speak into the mic, please?
DEAN: How close are they to home?
KAYLA: I don't know. We think they live in Canada, if that helps.
SARAH: It doesn't explain… That doesn’t help explain how close they are to home.
DEAN: I don't see how that would help, but…
KAYLA: I don't know.
DEAN: Are there more bathrooms in Canada?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Live in Alberta, but you work in Calgary. Wait, Cal… Hold on, I did that wrong. Calgary is a city and Alberta is a province.
KAYLA: Wait, she lives in the Providence
SARAH: Province
KAYLA: Providence. Thank you for your time.
DEAN: Okay. You're welcome.
SARAH: Yeah. Calgary is in Alberta. Well, okay. If you lived in… Thanks Dean
DEAN: Oh, that one is very…
KAYLA: I don't know if you're going to be able to hear him that well. He refused to come near me.
SARAH: I could hear it okay so hopefully the mic picks up.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: If you both live… if you live in Alberta and you work in Calgary, it could be a short commute because Alberta is in Calgary.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: I think we've spent more time on this than AMAT bargained for.
KAYLA: Probably, but I need answers for… I’m really hoping that they send in a picture of the toilet.
SARAH: 77.
KAYLA: They sent this in, in October. Do you think they still listen?
SARAH: Only one way to find out. 77.
KAYLA: Oh, okay. Okay, this one looks fun.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: This is from someone who has named themselves Amorphous Blob.
SARAH: Oh, nice. Is that person on Discord? I feel like I recognize that.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: We're all Amorphous Blobs in the end.
KAYLA: I guess this one like is kind of a bummer. Like it's not a happy story, but it's like a… the straights are unwell. So, I think we can like laugh about it.
SARAH: We can make it silly. Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay. So, they say my friend recently told me this story and I had to share. She recently was supposed to attend her friend's brother's wedding.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: You attended your friend's brother's wedding because you attended my sister's wedding.
KAYLA: I guess. You could say that. Anyway, but within a week of the wedding, it got called off.
SARAH: Oh, uh oh.
KAYLA: How it got called off is an absolute, ‘the straights are not okay’ moment. Okay.
SARAH: I'm ready.
KAYLA: It turns out the groom wanted to break up with the bride, but didn't want to do it himself. Oh no.
SARAH: You had an entire wedding planned
KAYLA: That’s so crazy
SARAH: And you don't want to do it yourself. I mean, I get it because you're about to blow this whole thing up, but hello? You have to take ownership of that. Continue.
KAYLA: Instead, he sent a Snapchat to another woman. The writer does not remember if their friend specified whether it was a sexting situation or planning a hookup, and then just left his phone out for her to find and went to the grocery store for three hours so she'd be sure to look at it.
SARAH: And the phone never locked? The phone was just unlocked?
KAYLA: Maybe. Yeah, either that or like she…
SARAH: Or she regularly just goes on his phone?
KAYLA: That or she was like, where did he go and leave his phone? I'm going to look at it for clues. I don't know.
SARAH: Also, if he didn't have his phone, like he didn't know when she would find… like she could have found it…
KAYLA: That's why he went to the grocery store for three whole hours, just to be sure.
SARAH: No, I know, but like she could have found it five minutes later. And then he was still at the grocery store for another two hours and 55 minutes. This is…
KAYLA: I wonder what he bought.
[00:30:00]
SARAH: Wild. I…
KAYLA: Are you ready for me to continue or do you still need some more time?
SARAH: Yeah, I'm scared, but go ahead.
KAYLA: Okay. This convoluted plan worked somehow.
SARAH: He's traumatizing her.
KAYLA: Obviously, there's issues if she's going through his phone.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But anyway, so much of the wedding couldn't be refunded because they had under a week to go.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, the groom's family still had their… held the rehearsal dinner and send off brunch they'd paid for as parties where they negged the groom for being an asshole. Hello? During this time…
SARAH: Wait, the groom is this person's friend's brother?
KAYLA: I presume so. Yeah.
SARAH: Jesus Christ. Okay.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like they're not… I just mean like they're not related to this through the bride.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: They're related to this through the perpetrator of this chaos?
KAYLA: Yes, they would be on the groom's side because it is their friend's brother.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: So presumably they were going as like the friend’s plus one or like their family friends or something.
SARAH: Was the friend in the wedding party?
KAYLA: I would assume so. Unless they like…
SARAH: Some people don't like their siblings.
KAYLA: That's fair. I mean I wouldn't like this guy if he was my sibling. Okay, so like they still had the dinner and brunch which is so crazy.
SARAH: With everyone or just with the groom's side?
KAYLA: I can't say.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: During this time the bride was supposed to move out of their shared home but her senior cat died so she didn’t move out.
SARAH: I can't believe that she had to move out.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's crazy.
SARAH: Also, had he been like having a thing with this woman he was snapchatting before or was this…
KAYLA: It's… no it sounds like…
SARAH: Purely contrived just to cause…
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: The dissolution of the almost marriage.
KAYLA: That is the implication.
SARAH: Was he just like… was she just like a friend where he was like, okay, so I'm actually not interested in fucking you but I need you to pretend that we are.
KAYLA: That's… yeah or just like some random, I have no idea.
SARAH: Oh okay.
KAYLA: Or I mean it could have just been him sending texts to her trying to hook up with her. I mean even that is enough to be like well you're trying to cheat on me.
SARAH: Incriminating. Yeah.
KAYLA: So, her senior cat died so she didn't move out.
SARAH: Brutal.
KAYLA: This resulted in them maybe getting back together.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: After the failed wedding. The worst part for me is I was imagining the groom…
SARAH: Wait, we don't have any details on that?
KAYLA: Let me finish and then we'll complain about the lack of details.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: The worst part for me is that I was imagining the groom as like an early 20s dude bro the entire time and turns out he's a whole medical doctor in his 30s.
SARAH: Honestly that makes more sense.
KAYLA: Genuinely shocked the bride would even begin to consider getting back together after he purposely staged a cheating scandal to get their wedding cancelled instead of just being up front, and that's all the information I have for you.
SARAH: Okay, OP, my guy, my dude, my fella, ungendered…
KAYLA: I mean this is like a third-hand story even from them.
SARAH: Yeah, I guess.
KAYLA: Like this is fourth hand or that's second hand to them because it was their friends.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: No, wait this is really… no, this is really convoluted, because it is Amorphous’ Blob friend
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Was the one that was supposed to attend the wedding with their friend.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, like we are several degrees away from anyone actually involved in this family or wedding.
SARAH: Yeah, I… okay, I just… I have so many questions and I know I won't be getting answers.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But I… how long were they together? How long have they been planning this wedding?
KAYLA: That's a great question.
SARAH: How expensive was the wedding?
KAYLA: Well, it's… yeah.
SARAH: Well, if home dog is a doctor, it probably wasn't a super cheap wedding.
KAYLA: I would assume so. I mean he's also in his 30s so that means if he went on like the standard track, he's like out of residency and making money so yeah like presumably he's like making good money.
SARAH: How did this elderly cat dying potentially get them back together?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Follow up, what self-respecting woman…
KAYLA: I don't think she is one.
SARAH: Imagine, imagine, they do eventually get married and they have children and then one day the kids are like “mommy and daddy tell me about your wedding” and this woman has to look her children in the eye and say to them “which one?” And then they'll say, “what?” And she'll say, “well, we were supposed to get married but a week before, your daddy staged a cheating scandal that may or may not have actually been real by leaving his snapchat open on his phone and going to the grocery store for three hours and because he knew that when I saw that I would end things so I did, but then my elderly cat died and then we got back together and then we got married and we lived happily ever after.”
KAYLA: I… yeah, great synopsis. I'm wondering…
SARAH: Imagine telling your family that you're actually… even though you already paid for this one wedding that a lot of it wasn't refundable, you have to fucking do it again.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It's not like you got married divorced and are remarrying the same person, the money for the wedding just went into the trash.
KAYLA: I'm also… I'm like very confused… I could maybe understand the death of the cat being like a very traumatic thing for her and so she's like, I need my life to be stable, I'm gonna like get back together with this guy and like have my life be the same.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: What I don't understand is why he would go back because he's the one that really wanted to break up in the first place
SARAH: Right. What is the real proper grounds for why he wants to break up?
KAYLA: I don’t… yeah
SARAH: Because presumably if this is a hetero relationship and we're following the relationship escalator presumably he proposed
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: Why did he propose?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And what makes him want to unpropose passive aggressively now?
KAYLA: The fact that he like really didn't want to do it himself makes me feel like there's not actually a good reason
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because if you had a good reason, you'd be able to have the conversation and be like, “hey, I don't like that you do this,” or like, “this isn't working”
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: It makes me feel like he just was like I actually don't want to get married
SARAH: Unwilling to communicate at all, it's giving me on crack.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I would not do that shit
KAYLA: Bad. Allos are funny.
SARAH: Oh my God. Imagine this person being your doctor and you don't even know.
KAYLA: This is what I'm saying dude
SARAH: Um, I don't even know that we have time for another one.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: We spent a long time on urinals
KAYLA: Yeah, we did. I have a really short one.
SARAH: Sure, quickly.
KAYLA: That's just like a… I think this is just fun
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Uh, this is from Liz, She/Her
SARAH: Hi Liz
KAYLA: Liz says, my three friends and I got fortune telling bracelets out of a vending machine on vacation once
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: The color of the bracelet you got would correspond with the word that would predict your future, all of my friends got red, which meant love, I got orange, meaning creativity. I came out as aro-ace to them literally the next day but it was like the universe telling me that A, romantic love was definitely not in the future and B, might as well use these silly bracelets as an excuse to come out
SARAH: Hell, yeah.
KAYLA: That’s so sweet. I love that.
SARAH: That's… I like that, what a delight
KAYLA: The bracelet knew, that’s so fun.
SARAH: The bracelet knew. The bracelet knew. Um, Kayla, what's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Do you think a urinal look like a face?
SARAH: Sure
KAYLA: I have to know, I need to like… we need to further this conversation. As a reminder, if you want to participate in the polls, you can go to our Instagram @soundsfakepod, into our broadcast channel which should just be like in the description area of our Instagram, like in the bio area.
SARAH: And Kayla is really gonna have to post this
KAYLA: I did good, I did it last week. I did good.
SARAH: No, I just mean like the content of it, like… you know? Like you're gonna have to with your whole chest.
KAYLA: Oh, I'm ready
SARAH: Write in that group, “do urinals look like faces?”
KAYLA: I'm planning to post pictures too
SARAH: Okay, well, I'll look forward to that.
KAYLA: I'm really hoping that we get a picture of the urinal in question
SARAH: Yeah. I have so many questions.
KAYLA: I really, really, really, want a picture of that urinal
SARAH: I also want to know if you're Canadian
KAYLA: Yeah, you can tell us that…
SARAH: Imagine this person is from Calgary and they're like…
KAYLA: “How did you know?”
SARAH: “What do you know about me?”
KAYLA: Imagine they… it's exactly as we said, yeah, that'd be crazy
SARAH: Okay. Um, Kayla what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: My beef is gestures, broadly.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And also, it has been really cold here
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Like every morning this week it has been in like single digits
SARAH: Single digits Fahrenheit
KAYLA: Single digits Fahrenheit, yes, thank you. Which like I guess I should be used to but I… this is like actually, now that I think about it, my first winter in a long time not working from home
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: And so, I have to like…
SARAH: Leave
KAYLA: Leave. And I also don't drive to work so it's not even like I get to… Because my co-workers… we have like a garage under our building, so my co-workers just get to drive under the building and then go up, so they never have to be outside except from walking from like house to car
[00:40:00]
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: But I have to walk from apartment to bus and then bus to building which in the grand scheme of things is like not that long but it’s cold
SARAH: Public transport is so good, we love public transport
KAYLA: We do, except for sometimes there's really weird people on the bus
SARAH: Yeah, I was having a conversation with someone today who has lived in LA for about two years but does not own a car still and so they were just saying that they have to like uber everywhere
KAYLA: Yeah, that's tough
SARAH: And previously they had lived in Brooklyn for 10 years so they hadn't needed one
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And then now it's like they're like, I'll have to do the cost analysis, because they mostly work from home so like it may not be necessary
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But like… they're like, “I have to do the cost analysis to see if it's worth it to get a car,” because in LA you can't fucking go anywhere.
KAYLA: Yeah. I know someone who has basically grew up in New York and she does not have a driver's license, because… well
SARAH: Yeah. My friend who lives here in LA, up… very far in the north from the Valley, she doesn't have her driver's license because she failed the test three times, but she went to college in New York City
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And I believe her original intention was to stay out there so she was like, “oh, I don't need one”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And then the pandemic happened mid… like during her college career and it threw everything for a loop and she came home and…
KAYLA: Can I ask a potentially really stupid question?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: If you don't have a driver's license, what do you use as your ID?
SARAH: If you have a passport, you can use that, they also issue just like state-issued IDs
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: That are basically like a driver's license just without the ability to drive
KAYLA: Huh, I had never considered this before
SARAH: I guess I did… I have not thought about this in the context of my friend, I don't know what she uses
KAYLA: Yeah, I wonder the person I know… I've been out with her before…
SARAH: I'm gonna text her right now
KAYLA: What's she doing?
SARAH: Hello, excuse me, important question, I'll let you know
KAYLA: Thank you so much. Um, that was all my beef, my juice is the band Sammy Rae & The Friends
SARAH: Slay
KAYLA: It's very good, and I like it very much, I would recommend listening to the song, ‘Cool-Doug, at Night’ it's sick
SARAH: Doug as in a guy? Or dug as in a thing that you did in past tense?
KAYLA: Uh, a man
SARAH: Okay, Doug could have dug, but you never know
KAYLA: You never know
SARAH: My juice is the app Pikmin Bloom
KAYLA: Lord
SARAH: It's an app, it's sort of like Pokemon Go but with Pikmin, if you don't know what Pikmin are, google them.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And you grow your little Pikmins from seedlings and then you walk around and then you can grow more of them and you can plant flowers and I have I think 36? 37? Pikmins right now, you can go on expeditions and destroy mushrooms. And you can give them flowers that sprout out of their head and I have a lot of Pikmins and I have named them all perfectly, no one has ever named Pikmins as good as me.
KAYLA: I have a beef
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: A new one, that I just thought of, is that you asked me for name suggestions the other day, you said I have a red one and a yellow one and I said Ketchup and Mustard duh and you rejected my name
SARAH: Yeah. I didn't name them that
KAYLA: Fucked up, I thought we had something
SARAH: I have only named three of them after K-pop idols and then one of them after just BTS generally
KAYLA: Mm, that is shocking actually
SARAH: Two of them because they're my biases in their respective groups and the third one because she just looks like that
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Like just the Pikmin resembles her
KAYLA: Interesting
SARAH: I have some good names. I'm gonna give you a quick…
KAYLA: I don't want to hear it
SARAH: There's one that I got at Ulta that has a… um, eyeshadow palette on its back
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: And I named it ‘NikkieTutorials’
KAYLA: How do you get it at Ulta? How does this app work?
SARAH: I was at Ulta
KAYLA: And it knew?
SARAH: Yeah, it knows where you are at all times
KAYLA: Will I get one that goes to school if I get one at work?
SARAH: Maybe, this one has a coin on its head so I named it ‘Coin Head’
KAYLA: Sure, and Ketchup and Mustard was stupid?
SARAH: My first one was named ‘Spork I have charcuterie, I have hooves’
KAYLA: Every name I hear makes me feel worse
SARAH: I have shag carpet
KAYLA: Fuck you
SARAH: Paperclip has brought me so many fruits, I love paperclip
KAYLA: How does it know you were at Ulta?
SARAH: I have one named Ralph's rewards
KAYLA: Did you get it at Ralph's?
SARAH: Uh, it was found near Ralph's, yes. Um, I have one named ‘Knife Sharpener,’ I have one named ‘Needle.’
KAYLA: Whatever, I don't want to hear about this anymore
SARAH: I have one named ‘Sploot.’ I have one named ‘Lemon Zest.’
KAYLA: I'm downloading the app
SARAH: Retina. I can give you… my friend says that she has a California ID, like a state ID.
KAYLA: That’s so nice.
SARAH: I can give you a little code, ‘Mullet,’ I can give you a code so that you get something and I get something
KAYLA: Okay, fine but I'm still mad at you
SARAH: I also have one called ‘Galaxandra.’
KAYLA: It's just like sometimes I think we're friends and then other times I'm like, “maybe she fucking hates me.”
SARAH: Well, my friend, the artist formerly known as my roommate is the one who shared this with me and she showed me her Pikmins and one of them was named ‘Robert F Kennedy Sr.’ So.
KAYLA: Nintendo, oh, it's literally by the people that made Pokémon Go.
SARAH: Yeah, it's by Pikmins, it's by Pikmin.
KAYLA: Hey, I'm putting in my date of birth
SARAH: Okay. Well, I'll give you the code but I don't know how to get it so we'll do it after this podcast
KAYLA: You better hurry up.
SARAH: That's my juice, I don't have a beef, that's it.
KAYLA: Should I connect my Nintendo account?
SARAH: Uh, sure. Oh, my beef is that I don't get to walk as much because now I want to walk all the time so I can… I have to give my Pikmins more love, I have to grow them, grow more, I have to get them things, and… but I don't… I work a desk job
KAYLA: Can you just like do laps?
SARAH: Well, some of it… you grow Pikmins via steps but planting flowers is geographical
KAYLA: Do you think my… it'll… my… does it with your Apple watch?
SARAH: Yeah, it does. But it… no, like… like if I walk in 25 circles around my house it'll only plant flowers for like the first lap
KAYLA: I see
SARAH: You know?
KAYLA: It wants you to go to new places.
SARAH: Yeah, but it will count all those steps. Anyway…
KAYLA: I'm gonna name all of mine Ketchup and Mustard
SARAH: Okay, good. Um, you tell us about your beef, your juice, what your coolest Pikmin is, on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you want to support us there. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are AliceIsInSpace, Alucard Zavertnik, Amanda Kyker, Ashley W, and Boston Smith. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Purple Hayes who would like to promote the musician Vinther, Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote their YouTube channel rtwbarefoot, SongOStorm who would like to promote a healthy work-life balance and Val who would like to promote the two question marks that I wrote in the document. Our other $10 patrons are Alastor, Alyson, Ani, Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Bones, Celina Dobson, Clare Olsen, Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, my aunt Jeannie, Kayla's Dad, Maff, Martin Chiesl, Olivia O’Shea, Parker, and Phoenix Leodinh. Our $15 patrons are Ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer, Andrew Hillum who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person and also help you grow your Pikmins. Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla’s Aunt Nina who would like to promote katemaggartart.com and Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Dragonfly, Dr. Jacki, my Mom, and River who would like to promote, we're not sponsored by Pikmin Bloom but we would love to be.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your Pikmins.
SARAH: Yes. I should name one ‘Cow!’
KAYLA: Whatever.
SARAH: I almost just ended the Zoom instead of my recording.
KAYLA: I wish you would.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]