Ep 153: Having Confidence in Your Sexuality
Listen to Ep 153: Having Confidence in Your Sexuality here!
(0:00)
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: finding the one.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: M’oving.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: I’m moving.
SARAH: Oh that reminds me I have to send a text to someone about moving.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: Thanks for the reminder.
KAYLA: You’re so welcome. I am moving if you for some reason didn’t listen all the way till the end of the last episode which —
SARAH: What’s your problem?
KAYLA: What’s your fucking problem? I’m moving. I’m moving to Louisiana. I’m moving and I’m excited and moving but moving is stressful I forgot and—
SARAH: Is that it?
KAYLA: I’m tired. Moving is just very — moving is hard when you’re moving cross-country to the south.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Anyway if anyone is hiring in Baton Rouge, let me know. Open call for anyone to hire me. Ummm Sarah?
SARAH: Sorry I was texting the person I needed to text.
KAYLA: Sarah. Sarah? Happy birthday.
SARAH: Oh, thank you.
KAYLA: Tomorrow is your birthday.
SARAH: Tomorrow in podcast time, yeah.
KAYLA: If you’re listening to this on Sunday, tomorrow is Sarah’s birthday. If you’re listening to this on Monday, it is Sarah’s birthday.
SARAH: That’s true.
KAYLA: Everyone, say happy birthday to Sarah right now.
SARAH: I share a birthday with Josh Hutcherson, Hugh Jackman —
KAYLA: And Christopher Columbus.
SARAH: And fuck Christopher Columbus. It’s not his birthday cause Columbus Day is —
KAYLA: Wouldn’t it be funny if it was though?
SARAH: Oh my god. I believe Columbus Day is on my birthday this year but it’s always on a Monday.
KAYLA: It is on your birthday because I almost thought I had the day off and I didn’t because why would the day be given off for Christopher Columbus? Fair, but I also did want the day off.
SARAH: What it really is is Indigenous People’s Day.
KAYLA: True but I don’t think I could tell my employer I don’t want to work because I’m observing it because I am not an indigenous people and I don’t actually think I know any indigenous people unfortunately so—
SARAH: I mean you could definitely still go for, “I can’t work today because I like to observe the white supremacy of Columbus Day.”
KAYLA: Mm. Maybe I’m in mourning for the millions of lives lost because of white supremacy. Anyway, wow. Heavy stuff to start off.
SARAH: Good morning!
KAYLA: Anyway before we start, announcement — I do be having announcement — so, at the end of this month is Ace Week. Is it October 22nd when it starts?
SARAH: I don’t know a damn thing.
KAYLA: Sarah! It’s your week.
SARAH: I don’t pay attention. You should know this.
KAYLA: It is the 25th to the 31st which makes more sense numberwise. Anyway, Ace Week is the last week of October and we have some plans — we are going to observe this week but I don’t think I’m going to get a vacation for it — so we are celebrating in I guess kind of two ways but it’s really one way. So we’re going to do a livestream of us recording our Ace Week episode —
SARAH: I forgot we were doing that.
KAYLA: You fuck up.
SARAH: I was like, what are we doing? We’re about to find out.
KAYLA: Surprise to everyone. The date of that livestream is pending because my life is in chaos right now. And also, why would we schedule it so far in advance? That would be ridiculous. So we’re going to livestream us recording our Ace Week episode and what our Ace Week episode is going to be is kind of like a Q&A-ish style episode but more general submission. So we’re asking you all to submit if you have any questions, if you have any thoughts and feelings about being ace, if you want to share your coming out story, if you have any advice you would like to share, anything that you would like us to read on the podcast. I can’t guarantee we’ll read them all but anyway, I will put a link to the form where you can submit things in the description of this episode.
(5:00)
SARAH: Submit stuff!KAYLA: Do it or else.
SARAH: Do it or else. If you don’t submit stuff it’s actually aphobic.
KAYLA: Also it’ll make it really awkward cause then we’ll have literally nothing to talk about.
SARAH: It’ll be so awkward.
KAYLA: Yikes. Don’t do that to us.
SARAH: Please give us content.
KAYLA: Yeah really what we’re doing to celebrate Ace Week is making you guys do our jobs for us.
SARAH: Listen, we give you guys —
KAYLA: We do enough for you. It’s a joke.
SARAH: This has been a joke. Thank you.
KAYLA: Thank you for coming.
SARAH: Okay, cool. What are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week — I just realized we’re doing two patron episodes in a row.
SARAH: Yooboy.
KAYLA: This is again — if you donate $15 once a month — you get to choose the topic of an episode and we’ll try to do it in a timely manner.
SARAH: We can guarantee nothing.
KAYLA: But, we can guarantee nothing.
SARAH: Our attempts may be sad, but they will be there.
KAYLA: They will be attempts. This is another request from a patron of ours who messaged us and I don’t know if I want to read their whole message because they didn’t tell me I could.
SARAH: It’s also pretty long.
KAYLA: I don’t want to assume.
SARAH: Give the gist.
KAYLA: I will give the gist. So, the person wants us to cover basically how to react to the question of someone asking you — whether you are ace or aro or both — how do you know if you just haven’t found the right person yet. I guess this works for either ace or aro or both. They said that one of their friends recently asked them that and they didn’t really know how to respond. So basically they asked, “how would you recommend responding to this question when other people ask it and what would you say about how this question makes me feel insecure about my sexuality? Is having confidence in your sexuality a result of a gut feeling about who you are or is it a logical conclusion?” Basically, they’re talking about — obviously, we talk about this a lot, how the questioning journey never quite ends but they’ve observed that other people seem very confident about their sexualities and I think seems like they might be struggling with that themselves which I think is very common for a lot of people. So we’re going to be talking about those things today.
SARAH: We sure are. I’ll just dive in by saying a lot of people do get that question of, “well how do you know you haven’t found the right person yet?” and I mean, here’s the thing. You don’t necessarily. There’s no way to prove – you can’t prove your sexuality, regardless of what it is, whether you’re aspec or not — there’s no science to it. So, the answer is that you can’t. But I think for me, the thing I find to be the best approach is to kind of just turn it back around on them and be like, “okay you identify as straight, how do you know — you identify as a straight man right? So how do you know you just haven’t met the right man yet and you’re not actually bi or pan or gay or whatever?” So, and I think when people think of it that way they’re like, “oh, yeah, of course it’s just something that you know.” But, I also think that you have a good point in, “is it something that you just know” — some people seem to be very secure in that, some people don’t.
(10:00)
KAYLA: Yeah I think that’s — the hard part is, I think this is portrayed in the media a lot too where if a kid on some TV show comes out as gay, usually seems like this very kind of like, romantic thing where all of a sudden they know that they’re gay and that’s it and they just know. I feel like I hear that from a decent amount of asexual and aromantic people too is they find that word online and they do some research and they’re like, “oh my god this is me,” which I know for both of us wasn’t necessarily the case. I get that it’s hard to see other people that you think feel very confident in it because maybe what they portray or what a lot of people say online is that they are very confident in it. But, you’re definitely not alone in that at all.
SARAH: Right and I think that first of all sexuality is fluid, romantic attraction can be fluid — it doesn’t have to be for you but it could be — I think what’s important to remember is if you find that your identity is fluid or if you just change your mind on what your identity is, that’s okay. Some people really want to have that label that “this is what I am, here’s my nametag,” but — sorry I lost track of that sentence.
KAYLA: I think it’s that acceptance I guess that you know and are okay with in the back of your mind that one day you could change. It’s hard because when someone goes up to you and goes “how do you know you haven’t found the right person yet” obviously you don’t want to say to them, “yeah I don’t know, but this is how I’m identifying right now” —
SARAH: Right this is not what you’re going to tell an aphobe.
KAYLA: That’s not a great argument — well I’m not going to tell you how to argue but I would not say that cause then I would lose my argument. But like Sarah said, it could. And you don’t know, which makes it hard to feel confident. I feel like it’s easier but maybe if you’re someone struggling with something similar to this, maybe it’s more productive to work on your confidence in just knowing that one day it might change and that’s okay rather than sitting in fear of what will happen if it does change. Just knowing in your heart of hearts, “this is how I identify right now, I’m super comfortable with it, I like it — maybe I’m not super comfortable, this is what I’m doing for right now, and it’s okay that in the future I might feel differently.
SARAH: Again, it’s always going to be a little bit harder for aspec folks because you know, aspec identities are kind of seen as the absence of something. It’s harder to nail that down when you just aren’t experiencing it at all. But I think it’s just something that with time — I do not want to “it gets better” anyone because that’s so annoying but with time, you become more comfortable with it I think.
KAYLA: It gets easier. It might not get better, but you at least will learn some coping skills along the way.
SARAH: Right, right. And I mean going back to the fact that you would not say this to an aphobe who’s being like, “how do you know” — there are two options. Either, that person is well-meaning but misguided. They think you need romantic or sexual attraction to have a fulfilling life and they’re trying to look out for you but they’re doing it in a misguided way. In that case, you can definitely be like, “well no” — you can kind of explain to them there are other options out there and then I think the other scenario is someone who’s just trolling you and is like, “how do you know?” They know you can’t really give an answer because there isn’t an answer regardless of sexuality. And so that’s why I always say ask it back at them and make them look at the absurdity of the question on its face.
KAYLA: Yeah and if they are a well-meaning friend or family member who just can’t quite understand or they can’t yet wrap their mind around the fact that you don’t need a romantic relationship or you don’t need sex to be happy cause that is difficult for some people. I feel like if you have the emotional capacity for it, it could turn into a teaching moment of like, “listen, I just know in my gut that this is what I am,” or “this is what I think I am, I’m experimenting with it” and you can explain that sexuality is fluid sometimes and you can also explain to them that like, “if I never meet the ‘right person’ I will be fine” — there are other things that are going to be okay.
SARAH: I can still have a good fulfilling wonderful life without meeting this so-called one.
(15:00)
KAYLA: I think this is an interesting summary — I was rereading the question. Because they had a lot of different topics and questions in there. One of the things they asked — I guess this episode in general is about the questioning phase and feeling unconfident. I think we’re going to get pretty broad in this episode. But they asked, “is having confidence in your sexuality a result of a gut feeling about who you are or a logical conclusion based on what you know about yourself, your personality, your experiences, so kind of a more logical approach.
SARAH: I think for me it’s both but the gut feeling comes before the logic. And obviously, I cannot speak for all aspec people. Different people have different experiences and people who experience emotions or relationships differently, they might have a different take on it. But, for me, it’s like, the gut feeling of “okay I’m not experiencing this” led me to go back and look at my life in a more logical way to make conclusions. I don’t think there’s one way to come to a conclusion about your sexuality but I do think a lot of times it is really based on your gut feeling because you look at two people and they both have the exact same dating history, they have crushes on the same people, and they might have different identities because you’re the only one who gets to decide that. So, I think it’s just — I think a lot of it is gut, but the thing is, it’s okay if your gut feeling doesn’t point you in an exact perfect direction. You know, like sometimes your gut feeling might bring you to a certain nebulous general area. And it may not help you beyond that. And that maybe where you need to bring the logic in and be like, “okay what is this?” Or you can be like, “I don’t fucking care.” But obviously this person who asked the question does care which is why they’re asking.
KAYLA: I think you’re right. I think a lot of people start questioning their gender, their sexuality, or whatever in general because of a gut feeling maybe just a gut feeling of “I’m not like everyone else, or like the norm, so what am I?” so then you go back and look — I feel that all the time I see people that are like, “here are three signs from my childhood that pointed to the fact that I was definitely super gay” but you don’t realize that until you look back on your life and then you’re like, “oh my god how did no one know I was gay” or something like that. But I feel like — I don’t think it necessarily only — like I said, media portrayals and things like that makes it seem like it’s all a gut feeling. It’s like love at first sight but sexuality at first Google search or whatever. But, obviously building up confidence — it’s pretty hard to build up your confidence in anything without evidence. Like some kind of backing, some kind of anything. So, if you need to look at your experiences, look at your past, look at how you operate differently from other people to get that, then that totally makes sense. I remember when I was in the questioning phase, I remember at one point, I was in the shower, and I was like, the shower is a great place for thinking — let me go through my entire history with crushes and whatever — just like walk through all of it and see what it looks like when I put it all together. And I was like, “hmm…”
KAYLA: I think with that stuff it’s also important to know if you’re looking back at your own history to find evidence, do not just look at your actions because then you’re going to get really confused because you’re going to be like “oh well, I dated this person,” or “I had sex with this person so I must not be XYZ” but I think it’s important to look instead at how you felt about it, and what repercussions came of it because if anyone looked back at their actions in this very allonormative society, none of us are going to — we’re not going to figure anything out.
(20:00)
SARAH: Right and the whole thing about sexuality and romantic orientation is, it’s about feeling. It’s about attraction, not about what you do. That’s why there’s no such thing as a gold star gay or whatever because it doesn’t matter what you do, it’s about how you feel. So, you could have dated a thousand people but if you feel that you were forcing that attraction because you thought you were supposed to or you just dating them because you like them as a person or maybe you liked having sex but you weren’t sexually attracted to them. Those are things to think about that apply to everyone, not just aspec people.
KAYLA: Yeah. I think that’s just the hard thing to wrap your mind around about sexuality, especially if you’re not — maybe this is the reason straight people have such a difficulty with it is because it is so based on feelings and as humans we want definitive answers, we want to put everything in boxes, it just makes us feel better and so the realization that you’re never going to have this a 100% figured out, or it’s very unlikely that you will, is just not a comfortable feeling because if you’re questioning something about yourself, that’s a very existential and uncomfortable sensation to not know yourself. But, like you said, it’s 99% based on feeling so, it’s not like you can test it scientifically.
SARAH: Right there’s no scientific method here. Yeah, I also think that obviously some people are going to be more comfortable with not knowing than other people. Like I think as people, I am a little bit more chill with it being nebulous than you are, Kayla. I feel like you’re more a kind of person who’s like, “I would like to put this thing in a box” —
KAYLA: I would like everything planned and I would like everything I own to be in a box. Yes.
SARAH: So, for me, it’s a little easier to be like, “who the fuck cares?” but for Kayla, she has a different experience with that. So I think just when you’re looking at other people too — people who are confident in their sexuality and their orientation, you also need to think about — if you’re really going to dive deep on this, I’m not telling you you have to think deep on this. But I’m just saying, if you’re looking at other people and comparing yourself to them in terms of the confidence in their identity. Also think about, is this the kind of person who would be comfortable with knowing that it’s nebulous and nothing is real or is this person more — it needs to be in a box? Because I feel like if you look at people who are more comfortable with just the loosey-gooseyness of all of it, and you’re comparing yourself to those people but you’re the kind of person that needs everything to be put in a box, that’s not going to help you. No comparison is going to help you but that one especially won’t help you.
KAYLA: I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it that way of like someone’s confidence in their own sexuality also being determined by their personality and who they are as a person.
SARAH: I had also never thought about it that way, just came into my brain.
KAYLA: You’re so smart.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: Looking at someone else who’s 100% confident in themselves, your first reaction to that would be, “oh my god they are so confident in their sexuality, they must really know who they are” blah blah blah. If you step back, maybe this is someone who goes at everything full force whereas me as a person, I’m a bit more hesitant about things. But, it doesn’t necessarily have to do with how demi I actually am, or how confident I necessarily am. It’s just how it manifests in my personality.
SARAH: Right, and for me, I’m the kind of person, who I didn’t realize until this was pointed out to me — I’m the kind of person, I’m super indecisive but once I have made a decision, I’ve made that decision and there’s nothing you can do about it. And so for me, once I decided I was ace, I was ace and I waffled a little bit more on the aro identity but once I decided to try that one, and I was like, “oh this kind of feels good, that’s it for me.” I will waffle a ton but once I’m done waffling, I’m done waffling. It really just depends on your approach to life and just the way you think about things. And I don’t know — I don’t know.
KAYLA: Yeah, even if you look back at our very early episodes where I’m questioning my demi identity, I feel like how different was to yours kind of shows because I knew for a while that I was demi but because I’m someone who wants to make sure everything is correct and labeled correctly, I wasn’t actually willing to call myself demi until I was like, a 100% sure, which I guess isn’t even accurate because of course I still question sometimes. I cannot lie and say that I’m always feeling really good about my identity but even once I decided I was demi, I still waited a bit to call myself demi until I knew it was time, if that makes sense.
SARAH: Yeah, that does make sense.
KAYLA: (singing) We’re learning so much about ourselves. Dean is calling me. Don’t. I’m busy.
SARAH: Yeah I think — in this person’s message they were also like, “maybe I’m demi, maybe I’m gray ace, maybe I’m just confused,” well you could be any of those things. You could be one of those things and also confused.
KAYLA: I mean, aren’t we all confused?
SARAH: But, I mean, you know, who you are as a person will impact your approach to that. And that’s why it’s so hard for people to be like, “well am I this or am I not,” it’s hard for us to answer that for you because we have not been in your own shoes and even if you explain your whole life story to us, I can still be like, okay this is what it looks like but I’m not you. I don’t know. And it is hard for some people — they want someone to just tell them. They want someone to tell them what they are.
KAYLA: Me.
SARAH: That’s not how it works and that sucks.
KAYLA: You know what is a good point though is that the opposite is also true and someone also can’t tell you what you are not. Some person or friend or whoever trying to convince you that you are not asexual or not aromantic or whatever — I completely get how that could really shatter your confidence and when they start asking you those questions that you maybe ask yourself in private while you’re questioning and they’re just like saying it to your face, that is very scary but in the same way that we can’t tell you if you are ace because we don’t actually know what’s going on inside your head, someone also can’t tell you that you’re not because they simply have no idea.
SARAH: No one can decide any of that for you.
KAYLA: I do know that it would be nice for people to just tell you things.
SARAH: It can be daunting but it can also be freeing.
KAYLA: Maybe let’s go back to the beginning of what we were talking about and what one of the big emphases of the person’s question is, which is someone asking you “how do you know if you’ve found the right person.”
SARAH: You fucking don’t.
KAYLA: Oh yes, but.
SARAH: When I was little, I thought that the way that love worked that you could only ever be in love with one person.
KAYLA: You thought a lot of things when you were a child.
SARAH: I thought a lot of things. I just thought that that’s how it worked and if you were in love with someone and you broke up or they died or you got divorced, that would be like, “well you can date someone else but you’re not going to be in love with them” — that’s how I thought it worked.
KAYLA: How obnoxious would that be?
SARAH: And the fact is, that is not how it works and some people do feel like there is “the one” for them and if they have that person in their life I’m very happy for them but the reality is that as much as a good soulmates AU can be very good sometimes, it’s just not — it’s not the way it is. And everyone experiences things differently and someone might be “the one” for you but you might not be “the one” for them and that’s my pessimistic aro/ace standpoint.
(30:00)KAYLA: Oh, interesting. I mean I think that’s true though. This person in their question said, “part of me thinks one day I will meet someone and I do have sexual attraction to them” which, even if you did, you could still be in the asexual umbrella. For me personally, one of my fears I guess, is one day I find out I’m not demi and then I don’t have a place in this community anymore, which would make me sad because I like it here, but I think — if that’s anyone else’s worry I don’t know if it’s just a me thing — if you are thinking that you are full on asexual, no sexual attraction to anyone, and then you have one or two people that you are, then maybe you’re gray asexual, but you still get to be in the umbrella. We will still have you. This is me giving myself a pep talk —
SARAH: (singing) Kayla’s projecting.
KAYLA: I do think I might be a hundred percent projecting.
SARAH: No, you’re right because you know, some people might be in the questioning phase and ultimately decide non-aspec and that’s a different situation. But if you identify as demi, if you identify as gray or asexual, there’s a reason for that and even if you — sexuality is fluid — even if that kind of changes, that’s okay. There is still a space for you in the community.
KAYLA: I think one of the ace and aro communities in general is kind of the ideologies that go along with it — we’ve talked about the importance of friendship and not placing as much importance on relationships and that kind of thing —
SARAH: Fuck amatonormativity.
KAYLA: Yes even if you stopped identifying as aspec or arospec, chances are, if you spent enough time here, you’d take those ideas with you, so along with that, it’s not like you’re going to turn into a whole different person. If you decide today you’re asexual and tomorrow you find you’re sexually attracted to someone, how much of your life is that actually going to change?
SARAH: Yeah, that doesn’t invalidate the past 20 years of your life if you’re y’know— like it doesn’t invalidate anything. This is just, it’s what’s happening now.
KAYLA: And I think this is different for different people, how important they find their sexuality to their entire life, I think me and Sarah’s both cases, it’s not something we think about super often, it’s not the biggest part of either of our personalities, though I know that’s different for some people and that’s totally fine, that’s valid that’s great, but it doesn’t have to be. And if you stop identifying as aspec, you’re not going to stop liking to knit, you’re not going to lose your job —
SARAH: Maybe you will, but it won’t have to do with your identity.
KAYLA: Maybe. I just feel like, I don’t know, maybe this is belittling but what’s the worst that’s going to happen if your sexuality changes?
SARAH: Your view of yourself might change a little bit but —
KAYLA: It’ll be annoying. I’m not saying it won’t be hard to go through another questioning phase. It absolutely is internal turmoil sometimes but overall in the broad span of your 100-year life, literally what’s going to happen to you?
SARAH: That’s optimistic, a hundred years.
KAYLA: I mean modern medicine.
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah. And there may be people — external people who are like, “you’re just changing your—” that’s not how it works, fuck off. Fuck off!
KAYLA: Those people shouldn’t be in your life anyway so now you just did a really nice test on your “friends” and you know who to get rid of now.
SARAH: Perfect.
KAYLA: Perfect. You’re welcome. Which also, again, we’re being very flippant about it, that also sucks. That’s hard. But like, I don’t know. It won’t last forever.
(35:00)
SARAH: Yeah. Nothing lasts forever and that might include your sexuality.
KAYLA: True.
SARAH: It just the way it be.
KAYLA: I don’t know, maybe this is me being stressed but part of me is like, who the fuck cares if you never figure it out, y’know?
SARAH: Yeah, I’m definitely of that opinion and I feel like some people listening might be like, “well that’s easy for you to say and you identify as aro/ace, you have the label” and it’s like, yeah but like, as I’ve mentioned on this podcast before, I do question sometimes. And usually the conclusion I come to is, whatever. That’s it. And y’know, at this point, I’m fine with not ever fully knowing. And I think that’s just part of the human experience is that we’ll never know everything about anything. And that might be getting in my feelings with my liberal arts education, but that’s just the way it is and you either accept that or you fight against it and suffer.
KAYLA: Yeah, and I don’t know. Like we’ve been talking about in this episode, it depends on the person and your personality. no way do I think that everyone is able to be like fuck it whatever, and on most days I personally don’t feel like fuck it whatever — we literally just talked about it, on most days I do not.
SARAH: Not everyone can turn on a dime.
KAYLA: I think if you have that in the back of your mind at least, even if you don’t believe it, if you’re having a really bad day of questioning, or someone asks you a stupid question like that, if you at least have one of our teeny tiny voices in the back of your head being like —
SARAH: (whispering) It’s me, I’m whispering — who the fuck cares?
KAYLA: Who the fuck cares? You don’t have to listen to that voice — well you should listen to it, you don’t have to agree. But just like the knowledge that it’s not going to ruin your whole life.
SARAH: Right and I also think that for a lot of people, it can be difficult to accept things in reference to yourself, even if you accept it in regards to other people. Just as an example, a lot of people look at other people and are like, “yes, every body type is beautiful except mine!”KAYLA: Meeeee.
SARAH: That’s a really common experience and just if you are thinking about other people that way, it’s not immediately going to change your view on yourself. But just knowing that you give other people the space to roam and the benefit of the doubt, they’re probably giving you that as well. So, just be nicer to yourself. I also hate when people are like, “just be kind to yourself” because that’s way easier said than done. But —
KAYLA: Bitch you do that to me all the fucking time.
SARAH: I know cause you’re so mean to yourself.
KAYLA: The amount of times Sarah has been like, “would you say that to me?”
SARAH: Yeah, exactly.
KAYLA: You fucking hypocrite.
SARAH: How am I a hypocrite?
KAYLA: I don’t know.
SARAH: I’m just saying I don’t like telling people, “be kind to yourself.”KAYLA: But you do it to me anyway.
SARAH: Well I don’t ever say, “Kayla, be kind to yourself.” I say, “Kayla, would you say that to me?”
KAYLA: Okay but that’s like literally saying —
SARAH: I hate the phrase “be kind to yourself.”
KAYLA: “I don’t like saying this but I do say it to Kayla at least once a week.”
SARAH: No, I don’t like the phrase because it seems like you’re talking down on someone. Like you’re being like, “if you would just be nicer to yourself, it would solve all your problems” and that’s not how anything works.
KAYLA: Fine. Agree to disagree.
SARAH: Listen, stop saying all those mean things about my friend Kayla and maybe I won’t have to say those things to you.
KAYLA: I’m busy.
SARAH: Being mean to my friend Kayla?
KAYLA: Being mean to your friend Kayla. That’s a good point though — if you’re not an asshole, you probably give people a lot of grace while they’re questioning. If you don’t do that, then I fucking hate you. But, if you’re willing to help someone else through their questioning phase, or tell them, “hey however you’re identifying right now is okay,” then that’s also okay. And again, we’re saying this all like it’s very easy.
SARAH: It’s not.
KAYLA: And like it doesn’t cause huge emotional turmoil and doesn’t make some people incredibly depressed and have a lot of conflicts with mental illness, like we’ve both been through stuff like that. I don’t want people to think we’re making this all seem super easy and it doesn’t have real-world consequences It doesn’t necessarily have to have real-world huge consequences I guess.
(40:00)
SARAH: It is what you make of it.
KAYLA: It won’t always. I’m not saying that nothing bad has ever happened to anyone cause they’re struggling with questioning because I’m sure it has but just knowing that not everyone who questions has a bad outcome. You shouldn’t — you know? Does that make sense?
SARAH: And you may be having a hard time now and it all feels —
KAYLA: But it gets better, sweaty.
SARAH: I was going to take the approach of how I view people in high school where yes, things are really important right now. As someone who’s out of high school I look back on that time and look at myself and think, “okay nothing was as important as I thought it was,” but that doesn’t take away from that fact that it felt important when it was happening —
KAYLA: That’s very true.
SARAH: And I think I kind of take that same approach to literally everything.
KAYLA: Which again, is hard to keep in mind. Ideally I would say that to myself all the time. Like right now when I’m stressed about moving, ideally I’d like to tell myself, “oh 6 months from now it’ll be like ha ha I was stressed about moving?”
SARAH: Does it make you feel any better?
KAYLA: It is hard to say that to yourself and have it make any real difference in your feelings.
SARAH: Yeah. But hopefully, you look back at it and be like, “you know what, that was okay.”
KAYLA: That was fun. Remember when I was questioning?
SARAH: Remember that?
KAYLA: Funny. Ha ha.
SARAH: Ha ha. I’m LOL-ing.
KAYLA: Ha ha. I’m Mitt Slomney.
SARAH: I’m LMAO-ing.
KAYLA: ROFL-copter as we said in 2009.
SARAH: ROFL-copter.
KAYLA: ROFL-copter. RAWR means I love you in dinosaur.
SARAH: XD.
KAYLA: XD. Instagram filter.
SARAH: I hate where this has gone.
KAYLA: Me too, reminds me of my 2009 Facebook.
SARAH: I did not have Facebook in 2009, which is good.
KAYLA: I feel like I did. I do think I did.
SARAH: I got Facebook — I was actually 13 when I got Facebook. So, like 2011.
KAYLA: I was younger than I was supposed to — they have a rule, but I was younger. Facebook had just come out and my dad was like —
SARAH: Facebook came out?
KAYLA: Yeah. She’s gay. My dad was like, “oh my god you have to get one” and I was like, “I don’t really want one,” and he was like, “oh but it’s so cool” so we had to lie about my age.
SARAH: My parents were so strict about it. I was not allowed to have it till I was 13.
KAYLA: Everyone’s like, “my parents wouldn’t let me have a Facebook,” and I’m like, “my dad forced me to get a Facebook.”
SARAH: (laughing) Incredible.
KAYLA: And now what do I have to show for it? Cringey old pictures of me when I was 11. I wish I hadn’t.
SARAH: Incredible. Okay. Does that about cover it?
KAYLA: Yeah, sorry for being incredibly existential. This probably helped absolutely no one.
SARAH: I think it might help people in the knowledge that they’re not the only one who’s having an existential crisis.
KAYLA: That’s fair, clearly if you’re listening to this episode, you can tell that we are both currently having existential crises about many things.
SARAH: I’ve been in one big existential crisis since I was — I don’t know, maybe 10
KAYLA: Yeah, that’s fair, and maybe there’s a bunch of mini ones that are inside the big one. Which is fun. Anyway that’s the episode.
SARAH: You know I saw a TikTok today which is like, “me and my best—”
KAYLA: You have a TIkTok?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Where do you find these?
SARAH: They’re all on my Instagram explore page. Sometimes they’re on Twitter.
KAYLA: Why do— okay, never mind.
SARAH: Don’t worry about it.
KAYLA: Might as well just have a TikTok at this point.
SARAH: Shh. I saw a TikTok that honestly, the algorithm would be so much better than the Instagram algorithm is for figuring out what I want to see —
KAYLA: Dude the algorithm is great, I’m on gay TikTok and it is priceless. I love gay TikTok.
SARAH: Instagram has figured out that I like watching TikToks sometimes but they haven’t quite figured out which ones I like watching.
KAYLA: I find the Instagram algorithm to be way too powerful because a couple years ago I was doing a lot of embroidery so then I’d look at it a lot on Instagram and that’s literally all my explore page was. Nothing else showed up.
SARAH: My explore page is a combination of all of my weirdly specific interests and sometimes TikToks that piss me off.
(45:00)
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: Anyway, I saw a TikTok where these two girls, they were like, “you know this is my best friend, we just decided to take Anatomy together junior year” and then it was the “and it went like this” and I was like, “oh my god they’re going to fall in love? Is this going to be gay?” No, they just cried a lot over Anatomy.
KAYLA: That’s lame, I like when they end gay.
SARAH: I was really hoping it would end gay. I mean, but they struggled with Anatomy, they really did.
KAYLA: I mean same. I never took it, but I’m sure I would.
SARAH: Anyway, I don’t know that — somewhere in my brain, that was connected to what we were saying.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don’t know how.
SARAH: Facebook being gay — I don’t know. Okay. Kayla, what’s our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Ohhhh god.
SARAH: Is Facebook gay?
KAYLA: Is Facebook gay?
SARAH: Hey fellas, is it gay to not get Coronavirus?
KAYLA: Apparently, yes.
SARAH: Poll for this week, I mean we could do an open-ended poll that’s, “how do you answer when someone’s like, ‘how do you know you just haven’t found the right person yet?’”
KAYLA: That’s good.
SARAH: Cool. So there’s our poll. Kayla, what is your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: My beef is moving. Well, you’re also — I just have a lot going on right now. I’m moving, I’m finishing up my last week of work, and then trying to get new work. Again, if anyone in Baton Rouge wants to hire me, I am available. So there’s just a lot going on and I’m a small child so I’m stressed.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: My juice is the TV show, The Great Pottery Throwdown. It is a Great British Bake-Off style show, but pottery. And there are 3 seasons on HBO Max and it is incredibly relaxing because again, like Great British Bake-Off everyone’s really nice and British.
SARAH: You have HBO Max?
KAYLA: Dean does. Well, Dean’s parents do.
SARAH: Okay. That checks out.
KAYLA: I don’t know, I just asked them for the password. But there’s 3 seasons and we have just simply flown through — well we still have the finale we need to watch tonight, of season 2, but you know what else is on HBO Max — is a dog-grooming competition show. So that’s going to be next and I will check back with you all.
SARAH: My dog looks like a fool because she hasn’t been properly groomed since February. And my mom has been trying to cut her for — she has not been able to cut the fur in between her toe beans cause Sadie does not like that — so she has really long fur between her toe beans and I’m like, “mom just take her to either a regular groomer or—”
KAYLA: A lot of them — like your mom wouldn’t go into the building —
SARAH: There needs to be no contact. It is one of the things you could do in this point in time.
KAYLA: She could definitely do that.
SARAH: You know what I should have asked for for my birthday? For Sadie to get a proper grooming so that when I come home she doesn’t look like a sheepdog.
KAYLA: What if I text your mom and shame her into doing it?
SARAH: I mean I’m not going to tell you no.
KAYLA: Does she listen to this?
SARAH: She does— but she’s not always caught up.
KAYLA: Well, Julie when you hear this —
SARAH: Sadie looks like a fool!
KAYLA: Sadie looks like a fool and it’s embarrassing.
SARAH: Her fur was so long all summer she probably got so hot.
KAYLA: Julie please.
SARAH: Julie please! I guess that’s my beef.
KAYLA: That’s your beef?
SARAH: My other beef is fracking. My juice is — so, I haven’t told you this, Kayla.
KAYLA: Uh oh.
SARAH: But I have gotten a little bit into the band BTS and —
KAYLA: I got one Snapchat from you and I knew it was over.
SARAH: Okay here’s the thing. I don’t have the time or energy to become ARMY. Because I don’t—
KAYLA: It does take a lot of energy it seems.
SARAH: And their fans are very intense and that’s not the direction I like to go in. I respect them hardcore. I respect a good stan.
KAYLA: You’re just busy.
SARAH: I’m busy. I don’t have plans on becoming a stan, but them boys can dance. They got some bops and I’m at the point where I can tell who’s who about 95% of the time?
KAYLA: That’s good.
SARAH: So, that’s just a life update from me.
KAYLA: That’s great. I am fearful for you.
SARAH: I’m being careful.
KAYLA: I am very afraid for you.
SARAH: Have you heard their song “Dynamite” it slaps.
KAYLA: I don’t know if I have.
SARAH: And the whole thing is in English so I can sing along to all of it.
KAYLA: I have several friends from work who are big into BTS and one of them, we helped her buy tickets for their tour which was then canceled of course, but she’s flown to Asia before just to see them.
SARAH: They’re very talented, there’s some funny boys.
KAYLA: Apparently there’s some ace crossover —
SARAH: Is there really?
KAYLA: I don’t know if people think some of them are ace or see — cause they all live together I think—
SARAH: Yeah they do.
KAYLA: — They see it as QPR, but I’ve noticed a lot of ace people have a very strong connection to BTS.
SARAH: Ace folks — BTS?
KAYLA: Can anyone tell me what that’s about? Anyone?
SARAH: Tell me more.
KAYLA: (singing) Tell me more, tell me more.
SARAH: Okay, so that’s that. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your favorite member of BTS on our social media @soundsfakepod. We’re just hanging over there. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you’d like to support us that way.
KAYLA: I’m trying to pitch to Sarah that we do an exclusive miniseries that will be Patreon exclusive, so stay tuned for that.
SARAH: Oh are you not going to tell them what it’s going to be?
KAYLA: Oh I want to do — okay I guess I’ll just say it and then you all can tell me you want me to do it so then maybe Sarah will agree. I just think it will be a very good idea if we do a Patreon exclusive miniseries where we have a book club for Frindle and I think it’s an incredible idea so let me know what you think about that.
SARAH: I’m mostly just — I used to own the book but I don’t think I do anymore.
KAYLA: I will buy it for you, is that your problem? That you don’t want to spend the five dollars on a used copy of the children’s book Frindle? That can be your birthday present if you’re going to be a weenie about it.
SARAH: That’s not what I want for my birthday!
KAYLA: Well it’s what I want to give you.
SARAH: Okay. We have 4 new $2 patrons.
KAYLA: Hello!
SARAH: They are Riley Finn Ness, Sally Paustian, Rashika Rao, and TJ Gallagher. Hey!
KAYLA: Hello!
SARAH: Hey! You’re all great, and I like you.
KAYLA: Welcome. Hopefully one day, you’ll hear us talk about Frindle.
SARAH: I just got a sudden, very weird —
KAYLA: Is it a ghost?
SARAH: No, I have a headache that’s in a very small portion of my head by my eye.
KAYLA: I think you’re possessed.
SARAH: It’s very centralized. Okay.
KAYLA: I feel like you might have gotten possessed.
SARAH: Oh no. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX — I did not breathe enough before this — Derrick and Carissa, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, and Ariel Laxo who bumped up from $2 thank you Ariel. And thank all of you for your contributions to our lives. Our $10 patrons are Tessa, Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, anonymous who would like to promote spooky Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote her dogs Leia, Minnie, and Max, H. Valdís, Purple Chickadee who would like to promote ichliebevogel.wordpress.com, Barefoot Backpacker who this week would like to promote brushing your teeth —
KAYLA: Which is something I never remember to do and I am going to the dentist tomorrow so thank you.
SARAH: My teeth have been very sensitive the past 2 years of my life and I’m annoyed by it. Ashlynn Boedecker, who is @shlynnbo everywhere, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, the search engine for trees and Ari K. who would like to promote the YouTube channel Bad Empanada who covers Latin American history and current events. That’s fun! Thank you! Our $15 patrons are — the plane flying over me.
KAYLA: Oh my god, thank you! Thank you for the support.
SARAH: Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Dia Chappell who would like to promote the Underrealm series by Garret Robinson, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote mental health, and Dragonfly who would — Kayla?
KAYLA: Voting.
SARAH: Coding?
KAYLA: Voting.
SARAH: Oh I thought you said, “coding,” and I was like, where did that come from?
KAYLA: I don’t care about that.
SARAH: Voting. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: Until then, take good care of your cows.