Ep 105: Asexuals Play the KFC Dating Simulator

[00:00:00]

SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I'm Sarah, that's me. 

KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla. 

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand. 

KAYLA: On today's episode, dating Colonel Sanders.  

BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay. 

[Intro Music] 

SARAH: I would argue that's maybe the fakest thing, the fakest sounding thing. 

KAYLA: It might be. ‘

SARAH: We've ever done. 

KAYLA: It really might be. 

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod, y'all. 

KAYLA: M’chicken. 

SARAH: That's true. 

KAYLA: Yep. 

SARAH: So, this week, we're getting a little crazy. We're going to try and date Colonel Sanders. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: This has been suggested by a couple of people, I believe. 

KAYLA: Yeah.

SARAH: For those of you who aren't American, I guess KFC is in a lot of places. 

KAYLA: No, KFC is huge in Japan. 

SARAH: KFC is everywhere. 

KAYLA: Do you know that…

SARAH: Colonel Sanders, the man, the myth, the chicken. 

KAYLA: I believe in Japan they do KFC for Christmas. 

SARAH: Mm-hmm. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: They do, so I've heard. 

KAYLA: Which is insane to me. But go for it. 

SARAH: So, we're going to try and date Colonel Sanders. 

KAYLA: So basically, what happened is KFC made a dating simulator where you can like date Colonel Sanders.

SARAH: Mm-hmm. 

KAYLA: Sidebar, we're going to be recording like the screen of us playing this. So, we're kind of doing this like when we played that phone app game episodes. 

SARAH: Yep. 

KAYLA: So, we're going to like talk to you about what it is, but it's also very visually wild. Oh, I just burped. Whatever, I'm not starting over. I'm tired. 

SARAH: Congratulations. 

KAYLA: It's a very visually interesting game. I've watched a couple of people play some of it. So, we're going to be recording the screen of us playing too with the audio and then it'll be over for our patrons on patreon.com/soundsfakepod.

SARAH: It will. And I know nothing about this game. 

KAYLA: Yeah, it's… I only know a very small bit and it's pretty wild so far from what I know. 

SARAH: All right. Do we want to just dive in? 

KAYLA: I suppose we set, we, yeah. We must.  

SARAH: Alright. I have started screen recording just now.  

KAYLA: Mm-hmm. 

SARAH: All right. Play game. Let's go. It's here. KFC presents. Okay. Access to this, okay. I'm overwhelmed already. This is a little loud. I'm going to turn this down so I can hear myself think. Oh, it's really… there are people on chicken legs. My computer is being weird. It's a finger licking, good dating simulator. 

KAYLA: So where are you now? 

SARAH: I'm on like the homepage. 

KAYLA: Okay, yeah. So, can you describe to us what you just saw?  

SARAH: Um, I was a little distracted by the fact that my audio was lagging, but there were some, I mean Colonel Sanders and co are animated in the style of anime characters. 

KAYLA: Yeah, Colonel Sanders is, um, I mean a little hot. 

SARAH: Hot? He doesn't really look like real life Colonel Sanders…

KAYLA: No, he has like… 

SARAH: Because real life Colonel Sanders is like an old man. 

KAYLA: He has like hipster glasses, like the mustache and the goatee. And like, he has like white hair. 

SARAH: He's serving looks. 

KAYLA: He really is. He's an attractive man.  

SARAH: Yeah, in that intro there were like some people who were like riding through the sky on fried chicken legs. That was really the one thing that stood out in my memory. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Should we click new game? 

SARAH: Let's click new game.  

KAYLA: What's our name? 

SARAH: What's our name? Our name is... What was our name, Juliet? 

KAYLA: Oh god, I do not... Juliet. Oh, for the dating? 

SARAH: Yeah. Everyone is going to see how I can't type. 

KAYLA: Well, that's not... Oh, I'm getting some biscuits and some chicken. 

SARAH: Oh, yeah. 

KAYLA: That sounded like Cooking Mama. 

SARAH: Biscuits of the American variety. They're not cookies. You sleep softly as the morning sun set... No, I can't read. You sleep softly as the morning sun casts a warm glow through the window of your modest student apartment. You know what me and Kayla realized when we decided we were going to screen record this? Is I'm not going to be able to edit this. 

KAYLA: Yeah, she really should get your shit together.  

SARAH: So, I should really start being able to read. Okay, I hit the next button, I assume. What is this chicken on the wall? 

KAYLA: Yeah, there's a chicken on the wall poster. There's also, it looks like a version of like BTS or a K-pop poster, which is interesting.  

SARAH: Yeah, sort of K-pop band. Some nice Vans on the ground. 

KAYLA: The world is peaceful and serene. You could stay in the moment forever.  

SARAH: Ellipses. Very dramatic. Or you could wake up. Now, now, now! Your first day of culinary school is no time to sleep in. Stop screaming at me, chicken. 

KAYLA: Oh, what do we do? Smack that clock up and at em or throw the clock out the window and stay in bed forever? 

SARAH: As much as I would love to throw the clock out the window and stay in bed forever, I really hate this rooster noise, so let's smack that clock. Excuse me. 

KAYLA: We should also mention, so this is a dating simulator, but we're going to be playing it as aro-ace as possible. 

SARAH: Classic sounds fake style.  

KAYLA: We should really have mentioned that up top. But you knew.  

SARAH: Whatever. Alright, well if you've listened to the other…

KAYLA: Anyway  

SARAH: Episode that we did playing the whatever episodes, you know, okay. Lying in bed, you stare at the ceiling, thinking about it. By the way, we're reading the captions. 

KAYLA: Oh my god, ma'am, we got to pick it up.  

SARAH: Oh no, oh no, I forgot that I can't edit this. Lying in bed, you stare at the ceiling, thinking about everything that awaits you at the prestigious University of Cooking School Academy for Learning. 

KAYLA: That's three different words for school right there. 

SARAH: Yeah, I… It just said something about your mind beginning to wander, but it accidentally skipped over it. 

KAYLA: No, that's what it said. Who will you be there? What will you cook? What should you wear? Who will you cook? 

SARAH: Who will you cook? 

KAYLA: Time begins to fly by and you find your imagination getting away from you. You'll need to take this seriously or you allow yourself to daydream a bit, thinking about the future.  

SARAH: Again, I would love to daydream, but it is your first day of culinary school, you can't be fucking late. 

KAYLA: Yeah, you need to take this seriously. 

SARAH: You need to take this seriously.  

KAYLA: Oh, this is us. I'd better make sure to arrive prepared for the first day. 

SARAH: Wow, it is… mine is really lagging. 

KAYLA: I'm going to read.  

SARAH: Which doesn't make sense. 

KAYLA: I'm going to read. 

SARAH: Because my computer is brand new.  

KAYLA: Yeah. You bust through your morning checklist. Teeth brushed, hair combed, pits deodorized, hotel trivago. It doesn't say that, I just added it.  

SARAH: Thank you 

KAYLA: Nothing can stop you now. You confidently grab a biscuit, strut out the door, and head off to class. 

SARAH: I finally caught up with you. 

KAYLA: Just what you needed to get your blood flowing. Oh, it's like this galaxy background with a biscuit steaming. Wow 

SARAH: It reminds me of the recent graphic that they made for Love It or Leave It that just says, Gay News! Except instead of Gay News, it's a biscuit. 

KAYLA: Interesting, okay. 

SARAH: Okay  

KAYLA: Standing in the quad, you gaze upon the magnificent University of Cooking School Academy for Learning. 

SARAH: I like this tree. 

KAYLA: Yeah, there's like a nice apple blossom tree. 

SARAH: Yeah, it's really pretty.  

KAYLA: We’re like in the quad of a nice big school. 

SARAH: But why is your school starting in spring? 

KAYLA: Uh, because it's cooking.  

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: Here comes your lifelong best friend forever, Miriam. 

SARAH: Hi, Miriam.  

KAYLA: She's the most adorably awkward person you've ever met and you absolutely love her for it. Okay, so we got big round glasses, green hair and short pigtail braids, pink bow, a chef's coat, a chef's hat. She’s killing it. Miriam 

SARAH: Her eyes are red, also. 

KAYLA: Also, that. 

SARAH: Alright, Miriam says, good morning, Julia. Are you excited for the first day of the rest of our lives? Yeah, Miriam. 

KAYLA: Actually, I'm... 

SARAH: Oh? 

KAYLA: Were you behind? 

SARAH: Because I sure am excited, a little nervous. Okay, okay, a lot nervous. Miriam is a little bit nervous. 

KAYLA: What's the?  

SARAH: Oh, Miriam just really talks over you, doesn't she? It’s just that, this morning I made breakfast for myself but, well when I ate it, I couldn’t taste any love in the food. What if I'm no good? What if I fail? This is really just like us reading the parts against each other. 

KAYLA: Yes. Classic Miriam, raised by MasterChef parents, she has always held herself to a very high standard. 

SARAH: She sure has. 

KAYLA: Ever since we were little babies playing together and you rescued me from that quick-sandbox, it has been clear to me that you're the most loving, caring person I know. You're going to do great. 

SARAH: What is a quick-sandbox? It sounds like a sandbox with quicksand in it. 

KAYLA: I guess. 

SARAH: Do they make those for babies? Okay. Ah, oh my god. It just skipped a bunch of stuff. 

[00:10:00]

KAYLA: Okay, well, Miriam says, But with University of Cooking School Academy for Learning's famous three-day only semesters, I'm afraid of being left behind and never catching up. What? 

SARAH: Wait, three-day only semesters? 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: That must be why it's starting in the spring, because it's only three-day semesters. 

KAYLA: A sweet girl, Miriam has always had a flair for the dramatic. This summer, she got so nervous about her first kiss that she chipped a tooth practicing on a mannequin. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: Should you pep talk her or change the subject to give her some relief? Pep talk your best friend or change the subject to school gossip?  

SARAH: Change the subject to school gossip, I think. 

KAYLA: Okay 

SARAH: Because we already tried to pep talk her and she's still panicked, you know? 

KAYLA: True. It's hard to see Miriam like this and frankly, quite exhausting. Rather than dwell on her anxiety, you try to change the subject to something more interesting. All summer, you've been hearing rumors about a dreamy, enigmatic mystery student who is enrolled at this school.  

SARAH: All summer? Why is the tree... If it is fall? Why is the tree pink? 

KAYLA: Listen, this is magical chicken land. Maybe that tree is always like that. 

SARAH: Are they in Australia? Is this Australia? No, it doesn't matter. Summers would be winter. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. 

SARAH: Got to go. 

KAYLA: Yeah, that's a little worrisome, but you'll be fine. 

SARAH: Kayla. 

KAYLA: What?  

SARAH: Mine has gone horribly wrong. 

KAYLA: What is wrong with you? 

SARAH: It just skipped everything. 

KAYLA: What is wrong with your computer? How are you doing that? 

SARAH: I don't know, but it won't stop. 

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: I'm going to... I have to restart it. 

KAYLA: Okay. Uh, hello. We had to switch to recording things on my computer. Things are going great. Thank you for asking. 

SARAH: My brand-new computer had an aneurysm, so... 

KAYLA: And mine is very hot right now because I am running three programs at once. So, let's, uh, yeah. Alright, let's pick it up. Juliet says... Yeah, that's a little worrisome, but you'll be fine. Now what about this mystery student we read about on the school message board? Any new deets?  

SARAH: And then Miriam says, Oh, get this. I heard his name is Harland and he's no ordinary student. They say he has powers. He has had them ever since he was born from an egg. 

KAYLA: An egg? 

SARAH: We're all born from eggs. 

KAYLA: Like a chicken? Don't be ridiculous. But that thing about having powers, it would line up with some of the other rumors I've heard. 

SARAH: Oh, shit. 

KAYLA: Like I heard he once fought a bear with just his smile. 

SARAH: Pfft, mood. 

KAYLA: You both sigh thinking about a student so handsome that the laws of physics don't dare apply to him. Dreamy. This is not very Aro-Ace.

SARAH: No  

KAYLA: Before you can get another word out, you're rudely interrupted when someone smacks your books and custom engraved measuring spoons out of your hands and onto the ground. 

SARAH: Uh oh. 

KAYLA: Miriam. 

SARAH: Hey! Should I just be Miriam and you be... 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: You be Juliet and I'll be everyone else.  

KAYLA: Okay, perfect. It's Aeshleigh and it's spelled, this is important for those of you not watching, A-E-S-H-L-E-I-G-H. 

SARAH: That's the worst spelling I've ever seen of Ashley, an Ashley and a A-E before

KAYLA: It's Aeshleigh. You're arch rival. She's totally evil, but you can't help but be filled with jealousy. She can get anything she wants and she knows it. 

SARAH: Her boobs are freed through a heart.  

KAYLA: A purple hair, big pony, through a visor situation with a scrunchy, very short schoolgirl shirt, skirt. 

SARAH: Her chef outfit is very tight, but it's red, but right where her breasticles are, there's a heart cut out so you can see her boobs. 

KAYLA: Yeah, just for the breasticle track. Crack. What a track. 

SARAH: The breasticle crack. 

KAYLA: Anyway, hello, Aeshleigh. 

SARAH: My computer is still slower than yours. 

KAYLA: Oh my god.  

SARAH: Okay. Do do do do do. Oh, I didn't see you there, chicken shins. What is it? Do… chickens don't have shins? How am I going to differentiate between Aeshleigh and Miriam? You leave Juliet's shins alone. They are perfectly normal shins.  

KAYLA: Ugh, you can't stand Aeshleigh. Even her name is annoying. You know for a fact that it's actually Ashley spelled correctly, but she had to add extra letters to make herself feel better than everyone. Okay, this checks out. 

SARAH: I have a small problem in that it jumped ahead this time, but it stopped eventually, so you're just going to have to keep reading until I tell you to stop. 

KAYLA: Okay. Miriam, if anyone here knows what perfect shins look like, it's us. 

SARAH: Oh. 

KAYLA: Juliet.  

SARAH: Both. 

KAYLA: We're not going to let you or your really weird insults get to us. Across the quad, you see Aeshleigh’s best friend, Van Van the Man Man, has stopped to look at his own reflection in the mirror. His pants are so tight, you can actually see him casually working out his glutes while he styles his hair. No lie, they're rocking glutes. 

SARAH: They are. I can see his glutes.  

KAYLA: I can't. Aeshleigh, ahem, Van Van. Van Van, okay. You rang rang? Alright. 

SARAH: Oh. 

KAYLA: We have a thick eyeliner, big purple eyebrows, mohawk hair that is turned into like a star in the front. 

SARAH: It's a star, yeah.  

KAYLA: Big muscles, jacket.  

SARAH: His shirt is like a halter top. 

KAYLA: Side burn, oh yeah, his like chef's outfit is like oh, a very, and a big belt with like spikes. 

SARAH: And shorty got quads.  

KAYLA: Shorty got quads? You've never been sure what their arrangement is, but as long as you've known them, Aeshleigh and Van Van have been just as close as you and Miriam, but substantially more devious. 

SARAH: Wait, so this is the first day of this school. How do they know these people? 

KAYLA: Shh, don't question it. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: I can't believe that University of Cooking School Academy for Learning would ever allow people like you to attend as students. 

SARAH: Okay that's where I'm at. 

KAYLA: Okay then say it. 

SARAH: Well, I think what's happening is that like when it won't go forward, it eventually just catches up. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. 

SARAH: And now it's... I know right? You'd think they'd just hand us our diplomas now. That was Ashley if that's unclear. 

KAYLA: Okay 

SARAH: Or maybe, hire us on as professors. You amateurs could learn a lot from us. That's my Van Van voice. 

KAYLA: Okay. With the first day of school about to start, there's just not time to properly tell these two off, so you resist the urge. Let's go Miriam. 

SARAH: See you later losers. 

KAYLA: That's the Miriam voice. 

SARAH:  Yeah. The Miriam voice is just my voice. 

KAYLA: Yeah. As you approach the door, you see a goofy looking kid pushing hard against the window directly next to it. Okay we got small boy. 

SARAH: This kid has one tooth. 

KAYLA: Bowl cut with also undercut one tooth. Juice box, big blue eyes. 

SARAH: Freckles.  

KAYLA: Freckles. 

SARAH: Which means he's cool. 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: His name is Pop. 

KAYLA: Oh a toot noise. You know some weird sound effect. 

SARAH: Yeah. Oopsie. 

KAYLA: Oh, his eyes are crying. 

SARAH: I think it's broken. Why does he look possessed? 

KAYLA: He looks very wild. You reach forward and easily pull the door open. Juliet. Uh, that should do the trick. 

SARAH: Why is this guy possessed? There's a little ghost. I love you! 

KAYLA: I think you mean thank you. 

SARAH: My name is Pop. I was named after my Pop-Pop. He's old. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. Could someone like this also be a student at the school? He must be one heck of a chef. Also his name tag clearly says Bob, but I guess he's reading it upside down. Is this kid okay? Hi Pop, I'm Juliet. So, are you going to make me hold this door all day? 

SARAH: Absolutely savage, Juliet. Nope. 

KAYLA: And with that, the young man walks into the building ahead of you. 

SARAH: Is it just me or is he kind of cute? 

KAYLA: I think it's just you. You both shrug your shoulders before following him into the building. You stand at the edge of the room, unsure where to sit. Other students wander in and keep themselves busy chit-chatting. Okay, we got Classroom. 

SARAH: Why? There's math and chicken on the board. 

KAYLA: Math, chicken, we got a map of the world, a man's portrait.  

SARAH: Pi. It is written out what pi, like, the number is. 

KAYLA: Where? Oh, I see. 

SARAH: On the board. 

KAYLA: I do see that. 

SARAH: It is exactly 12:20. Good to know. 

KAYLA: Oh, okay, the bell rung. A scruffy-looking pooch takes his place at the podium at the front of class. Adorable. 

SARAH: This is a dog wearing glasses. 

KAYLA: This is the professor. I know this from watching things. This is a corgi, tiny glasses, spatula in mouth, chef's outfit. 

SARAH: What a man. 

KAYLA: Incredible.  

SARAH: You're going to have to voice some other people. I can't voice everyone.  

KAYLA: Okay, I'll voice Sprinkles. So, this is Sprinkles. Now, now, quiet down, everyone.  

SARAH: He's standing on top of, like, a Greek column. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Who is this unreasonably cute pup and why is he in our culinary class?  

SARAH: You must be Sprinkles, head instructor and CEO of UCSAL. 

KAYLA: God. Please, call me Professor Dog. I may be cute and little and fluffy, but I still demand respect. Woof! 

SARAH: Who at KFC wrote this? 

KAYLA: Someone on crack. 

SARAH: What? 

KAYLA: What? A cute dog is our professor? This is the best school ever. I guess only a dog's nose is capable of picking up all the nuances of fine dining.  

SARAH: I accept that, but I also raise you a rat. Ratatouille, if you will. 

[00:20:00]

KAYLA: That's fair. Out of nowhere, wind begins to rush around you as a swirl of cherry blossom petals fill the air inside the classroom. And there are... 

SARAH: Again, I have a lot of questions about what time of year it is. 

KAYLA: Well... 

SARAH: I'm chilly. Someone close the window, says Pop. 

KAYLA: And then, dot dot dot. He walks in. 

SARAH: Oh, yeah. Look at those cheekbones. 

KAYLA: This is Colonel Sanders. We've got cheekbones for days, mustache, goatee, hipster glasses. Just beautiful. Beautiful man. You're immediately swept up in the aura of this new student and his remarkable goatee. Who knew anyone could be so handsome? Time stands still. You know, they're really not doing the aro-ace situation. As we want.

SARAH: It's him. It's... 

KAYLA: If it isn't my favorite student, Harland. Colonel Sanders interrupts Sprinkles. Sorry, Professor Dog, before he can finish his sentence. Are you being Harland or am I? 

SARAH: Uh, yeah, I think he's going to be... I guess he'll be Southern. 

KAYLA: Okay.  

SARAH: I would like to apologize to all people who are Southern. 

KAYLA: Alright.  

SARAH: Wait, now I just like forgot how to do a Southern accent. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I...  

SARAH: Please. Call me Colonel.  

KAYLA: Oh, that's very good. 

SARAH: Kind of offensive. Who knows? Colonel Sanders. 

KAYLA: Oh, I love this very much. A hushed murmur rolls through the classroom as Colonel Sanders walks down the aisle of desks. Suddenly, the room is sweltering. Okay. 

SARAH: And maybe that's why everyone knows him 

KAYLA: Sweat begins to be across your brow. You feel like everyone is looking at you, and you're not entirely wrong.  

SARAH: No, they're looking at Colonel Sanders. And this over here must be sweaty, it sweats a lot, says Aeshleigh. Maybe we should… wait. I'm getting my Pop and Van Van voices confused. 

KAYLA: Make Van Van more douchey.  

SARAH: Maybe we should open that window back up before faucet pits melt into a puddle and evaporates entirely. 

KAYLA: That was good. 

SARAH: Thank you. 

KAYLA: You two both know my name. We were in the same kindergarten class. And what is with all of your really weird insults? 

SARAH: So just kindergarten and this is the first time they've seen each other since kindergarten? 

KAYLA: You two, uh, okay, so we're going to take a moment to clean ourselves up. That's the only option. It's a good thing you didn't forget that deodorant this morning. This classroom is hot hot hot. 

SARAH: Toasty. Dot dot dot. 

KAYLA: Dot dot dot. Professor Dog steps in to settle the class down and get some ground rules… and set some ground rules. Welcome to University of Cooking School Academy for Learning, the greatest culinary academy in the world. The birthplace of culinary legends past, present, and future. Many challenges await you. There will be tears, there will be blood, there might even be really adorable tiny food. 

SARAH: I love tiny food. 

KAYLA: And when all is said and done, there will be a battle. You will lift your sporks and compete in the broom cooking arena. 

SARAH: KFC does have sporks. 

KAYLA: Yeah, they do love a spork. Just then, another student enters the classroom and interrupts the professor's rousing speech. Should I be this man? 

SARAH: Uh, sure. 

KAYLA: Hi guys, sorry I'm late. I hope everyone had a good summer. I really miss… 

SARAH: This is a 3-day program. 

KAYLA: This is a very lanky man. A very lanky man. 

SARAH: His arms are doing a weird thing. 

KAYLA: A long nose. Arms are weird. 

SARAH: Um, think… for the hair, think about, uh, for those of you who have seen, what's that fucking movie where they're in Boston and Robin Williams plays a therapist but the, uh, what's his face is really smart? 

KAYLA: Oh, I don't know. 

SARAH: Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck. 

KAYLA: It's fine. 

SARAH: His hair looks like Matt Damon? 

KAYLA: Oh. 

SARAH: Wait. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: Now I've… now I'm just confused and angry. Wait. 

KAYLA: No, it's fine. 

SARAH: Continue. 

KAYLA: Oh wait, hold on, I have to check if I'm still recording. I am. Okay. 

SARAH: Good Will Hunting? 

KAYLA: Yeah. Okay. 

SARAH: It looks like his hair. 

KAYLA: Quiet! 

SARAH: It looks like his hair. 

KAYLA: Late to class is bad enough, but interrupting my monologue? You're on the fast track out of here, young man. Are you even in the right place? Don't you recognize me? This is my third year in this school with you as my teacher.  

SARAH: That doesn't mean much. You only have class three days. 

KAYLA: Everyone stares at him blankly. No, he said three years. No one remembered me? I'm... You're expelled if you utter one more word before I finish. 

SARAH: Jesus. 

KAYLA: Let that be a lesson to you students that tardiness is unacceptable. Okay, the other guy is possibly... 

SARAH: If you fucking woke up early 

KAYLA: Even Clank made it here on time, rolling halfway across town on his tiny wheels. 

SARAH: Who's Clank? 

KAYLA: You turn to see the student Sprinkles is referencing, who appears to be some sort of industrial kitchen appliance. 

SARAH: Bzzzt. Word. 

KAYLA: Okay, yeah, he's literally a kitchen appliance in a chef's coat. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: So, that's it. The class bursts into laughter. 

SARAH: That's so fucking mean. 

KAYLA: That is mean. Oh, Clank, you rascal. Hate this. 

SARAH: Oh, what a guy. 

KAYLA: Sprinkles walks... 

SARAH: Oh, I guess maybe he made a joke. That's why they were laughing. 

KAYLA: Oh, oh, I understand. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Sprinkles walks in the classroom as everyone stands in silent obedience, when he gets to you, he lifts his nose in the air and takes a deep sniff. Mm, your diet is lacking, based on what I’m picking up here, you definitely need a multi vitamin, you should be taking better care of yourself 

SARAH: What the fuck? Ugh. 

KAYLA: You’ve never had a dog? I had a talking dog as a teacher before but Sprinkle’s reputation for being smart is tough but tough is well known 

SARAH: But you didn't know until today that he was a dog. 

KAYLA: You tried to batter him up, by giving him a treat from your pocket, but what kind? Okay, beef treat, rubber ball, chicken snack? 

SARAH: Here is the thing, my instinct was to say chicken snack, but what if it’s not well prepared? 

KAYLA: But it's a treat, so it's not like it's your fault. I feel like we got to do chicken snack. 

SARAH:  Do you want to go first? Okay

KAYLA: The game has to be an advertisement for chicken snack. 

SARAH: Mm-hmm. Okay. 

KAYLA: You’ve reached beneath your apron and returned with a chicken snack in your hand. Sprinkles’ eyes go wide as he locks into it. His favorite! 

SARAH: Oh, yes. 

KAYLA: Well, well, well, I think there might be some competition for a new star student 

SARAH: It's so easy to buy his affection. 

KAYLA: Well, he's a dog. The furry professor immediately devours the snack leading your hand slip with the coating of warm doggy drill, can you imagine… why… this is so unprofessional 

SARAH: Also, why did that read as so sexual to me? 

KAYLA: Oh, I didn’t get that so 

SARAH: I just… I feel like my head is already there because I know...  

KAYLA: It's coming. Yeah. You see the other students eyeing you jealously but pay no mind to them, if they wanted to succeed in life, they should have learned the importance of carrying a range of dog treat flavors on them at all times.

SARAH: True. 

KAYLA: Settle down young chefs, take the recipes and prepare to have your minds open to the amazing possibilities of culinary creation. As everyone rushes to claim their favorite seats, you’re left standing at the front of the room…  

SARAH: Wait, no one has been sitting? 

KAYLA: I don't know. Only two options remain. Hey Juliet. Oh no, that's your part. 

SARAH: That's me. 

KAYLA: I'm so sorry. 

SARAH: Hey Juliet, I think. Is she starting to sing it? 

KAYLA: No  

SARAH: Okay, anyway. There's still a seat here. It seems that no one has claimed this seat next to me if you're interested. I just like switched to a different type of Southern accent. I don't know what that is. 

KAYLA: You did. Two good options, but which will you choose? Sit by Colonel Sanders, sit by best friend. 

SARAH: We're playing this as aro-ace. We're sitting with Miriam. 

KAYLA: Yes, that's true, because we're aro-ace. You move to take your seat by Miriam.  

SARAH: I'm so glad to have you near me to support me through this class. I thought it said crisis for a second. 

KAYLA: Well, I mean. Of course, you're my best friend. Who else would I sit by?  

SARAH: Colonel Sanders? He has such a magnetic personality, and there's a seat open right next to him. If you had sat there, you might have gotten to know him a little better. 

KAYLA: Wow, and the game tells you what you should have done. I'd never sacrifice our friendship. Besides, I'm sure I'll get a chance to talk to him later in the semester. I've got three whole days! That's like a lifetime. 

SARAH: Oh girl. 

KAYLA: So you say, but now that Miriam mentions it, that Colonel Sanders is just so darn dreamy. 

SARAH: Yeah, I want to be a little bit further away from him so I can just admire him from afar. 

KAYLA: That's fair. As soon as you've settled at your seat, the professor makes an announcement. Think fast! It's time for a pop quiz! 

SARAH: It's fucking day one. I guess there's only three days. 

KAYLA: Yay! A quiz about me! says Pop. This incredibly important and surprisingly short quiz will tell me if you're ready for a life at culinary school. Keep your knives sharp and your focus sharper! Here comes question number one. 

SARAH: Oh, now he's possessed. 

KAYLA: If train A is traveling to point B and train B is traveling to point A, how important is it to wash your hands before cooking? 

SARAH: Extremely. 

KAYLA: Looking at you, Pop. Wow, that's targeted.  

SARAH: Our options are meh. It depends. Doesn't matter at all and extremely looking at you, Pop. Extremely important. 

KAYLA: Yes. That's right. 

SARAH: Forest is to tree as chicken is to... 

KAYLA: Feather? 

SARAH: Feather I guess

KAYLA: Well, yeah, but trees are part... No, yeah, that's true. Feather.  

SARAH: Feather is a part of a chicken. I've just been thrown back into elementary school when we had to do these stupid things. 

KAYLA: I know 

SARAH: I kind of want to say I slam dunk, but... 

[00:30:00]

KAYLA: Okay, well, I said chicken. 

SARAH: I did too. 

KAYLA: Okay. We got it right. What is the most effective eating utensil ever created? Okay. 

SARAH: A comically oversized fork, a meat tenderizer, or a spork. Obviously, a spork. This is casting. 

KAYLA: Yeah, they probably want us to say spork. 

SARAH: I know how to pander. 

KAYLA: That's right. Yeah, we know what we're doing. What food is best for a broken heart? Anything, as long as it is prepared with love and not too much salt. Camel meal? Camel meat? 

SARAH: Camel meal? 

KAYLA: Or a pancake that looks like a silly face. 

SARAH: I want to say camel meat, but I don't think that's the right answer. 

KAYLA: I think it's the love one.  

SARAH: Yeah, I think so. But also, there's no such thing as too much salt, so take that. 

KAYLA: Yeah, that's true. 

SARAH: Is Sprinkles a good boy? 

KAYLA: That’s right. Oh my God. Is Sprinkles a good boy? 

SARAH: No 

KAYLA: He's a talking dog that teaches at culinary school. He's the best boy. No. 

SARAH: That is the correct answer. 

KAYLA: That he's the best boy? 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Okay. Probably  

SARAH: Your total score is 5 out of 5. Thank you! 

KAYLA: Wow. We did it. We pandered. Wow. Be honest. Did you cheat? Bitch. You look up to see that Colonel Sanders has been watching you tally your score. He's impressed. 

SARAH: Why can't we call him Harland? I think that's better. 

KAYLA: Because he said, call me Colonel Sanders 

SARAH: I know we just met, but I have to confess. 

KAYLA: It changes every time. 

SARAH: It changes every time. I think you have a beautiful brain. 

KAYLA: Oh, little hearts just flew off of him. 

SARAH: Hot diggity. 

KAYLA: Hot diggity, Juliet. You just scored some major Colonel Sanders points with that performance. We didn't mean to. We were just being smart. This game is ruining it. May I have your attention, students? I have an important announcement to make. Time for lunch. We just got here. Wow. The cafeteria is as nice as any restaurant you've ever eaten at. It makes sense that a school dedicated to cooking would also be serious about eating. 

SARAH: This actually looks kind of a lot like the cafeteria at the Goethe-Institut in Schremmich Hall. 

KAYLA: It reminds me of Bursley. 

SARAH: I've never eaten in Bursley. 

KAYLA: It's called the Stewart Cafeteria, established 2015. We got some pinkish windows, some green chairs, some pink flowers. Honestly, not that fancy. It looks like a dorm cafeteria. A delicious fragrance wafts through the room and tickles the end of your nose. Your mouth waters.  

SARAH: Tickles. Do you smell that? It must be our lunch. It smells crazy good. You've learned nothing yet. 

KAYLA: Everyone, can I have your attention? 

SARAH: I love students. 

KAYLA: Yes, students. 

SARAH: Is it about lunch? says Pop. 

KAYLA: No, I just wanted to apologize for my tardiness. You see, I was... 

SARAH: Howdy folks! I'd like to make an announcement. It changes every time. 

KAYLA: It does, and I love it. Hey, I was... 

SARAH: It's about lunch. 

KAYLA: Everyone, cheers. Bada! 

SARAH: Wrong accent. 

KAYLA: I know. 

SARAH: That was my student. 

KAYLA: I know, I got swept into your southern accent. 

SARAH: Shhh! says Miriam. Lunch...wait, no. Wait, now I...  

KAYLA: Oh no! 

SARAH: Lunch, lunch, lunch, says Pop. That was not the right accent. 

KAYLA: She said shhh! 

SARAH: In honor of the new semester, I have prepared something special to share with everyone for lunch. That must be the smell I smelled. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. 

SARAH: Indeed. That smell

KAYLA: You hold your breath. 

SARAH: Whoa! Look at his forearms! 

KAYLA: His arms are much bigger than his head right now, and it's horrifying. You hold your breath, waiting to see what food this mysterious student has created. You've heard that he's very talented, but were the rumors true? 

SARAH: Is this... 

KAYLA: Colonel Sanders lifts a large bucket above his head. Its contents glimmer in the light. It's a bucket of KFC chicken. 

SARAH: How can chicken glimmer? 

KAYLA: It's literally a KFC bucket of chicken. And there's some stars around it, and it's steaming. 

SARAH: Yep. 

KAYLA: Piled high are huge pieces of chicken, breaded and fried to a crispy, golden finish. 

SARAH: Now I want fried chicken. 

KAYLA: The aroma envelopes you, and you begin to feel warm and safe. 

SARAH: I mean, this game is working on me. I want fried chicken. 

KAYLA: Colonel Sanders has filled a bucket with chicken? What a novel concept. 

SARAH: It sounds like something that you would just say in real life. 

KAYLA: Yeah. Your stomach begins to grumble, as if to say, stop thinking and start eating. 

SARAH: For years, I have been developing a secret recipe for the perfect fried chicken. By my calculation, nothing less than 11 herbs and spices are required to achieve the perfect balance of flavors. 

KAYLA: This is literally a KFC commercial. 

SARAH: Yes, that's the point. 

KAYLA: I know, but... You look around and notice that every other student has a pen and paper and is scribbling notes as fast as they can. 

SARAH: He's a fucking student. But that's all I'll say about that. 

KAYLA: Oh, he looks good. 

SARAH: What? You think... I just keep thinking about how my southern accent keeps changing. What? You think we want your stupid recipe, dude? Pshhaw! Nah, my dude, nah. I'm just drafting a last will and testament in case one of these ingredients is poison. Got him! 

KAYLA: Wow, what a dick. He looks around nervously to see if anyone is laughing at his sick burn. 

SARAH: Absolutely fucking sick. 

KAYLA: You wait to see what zinger Aeshleigh is prepared to follow up, but she suddenly takes a different approach. 

SARAH: Yeah, and I was just, like, writing in my diary. Dear diary, today I smelled something beautiful. I knew at that moment that only the hands of a true gentleman could fry chicken so tender. She's going after Harland Sanders. 

KAYLA: She's going for it. You see her body language change from bitter and evil to sweet and innocent as she slides closer to Colonel Sanders. She realizes that he is destined for greatness and fame with cooking skills like this. She wants him all to herself.  

SARAH: Oh, please. Well, Van Van the Man Man, if you don't want any, is he talking about the chicken or his dick? 

KAYLA: Uh, I'll take his... Well… 

SARAH: Chicken or dick. Chicken. This is Juliet. Okay. Whoa, hold on. I mean, I guess I'll try it. 

KAYLA: He takes one bite and his eyes grow wide. He starts contorting his face as he tries to hold on. In his pure exhilaration, an act unimpressed. His hair just spiked up.  

SARAH: Yeah, and he started looking possessed. Easy now. There is enough for everyone. Please, my fellow classmates, dig in. Have you noticed that there's a cutout in, um, Aeshleigh’s thigh-high socks that are chicken legs? 

KAYLA: No, I have not. 

SARAH: The chicken leg-shaped cutout. 

KAYLA: Oh, boy. You take one of the pieces of fried chicken out of his bucket and sink your teeth into it. It's amazing. Tasting Colonel Sanders' food transports you to another dimension. Okay, we have like, it's like a black hole on the screen situation. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Alone with your taste buds, gripping a drumstick in your hand, you float weightlessly. Okay. Focus your mind and meditate on this moment. Try and identify every flavor. Savor the moment and everything that it tells you about Colonel Sanders' culinary heart or swim towards the light. 

SARAH: I think the most aro-ace would be to focus your mind and meditate on this moment and try and identify every flavor because like, you're here for cooking. 

KAYLA: Yeah, you're here for culinary school.  

SARAH: You don't care about Colonel Sanders' culinary heart and I don't want to swim towards a hole. 

KAYLA: I agree. We're going to try and identify every flavor. You let the food rest in your mouth and focus on it, scrutinizing every flavor. 

SARAH: It's a bit repetitive, but okay. 

KAYLA: Salt? Maybe. Pepper? Too obvious? Oregano? Basil? Maybe, but there's something else. 

SARAH: Or as the Brits would say, oregano. 

KAYLA: Something dark. Something spicer. You dig deeper. Deeper. 

SARAH: Spicer. 

KAYLA: Deeper. 

SARAH: Deeper. 

KAYLA: Yes, even deeper still until you find it. Could it be? Oh, it's blanked out. 

SARAH: It is. 

KAYLA: They blanked out the secret. 

SARAH: They bleeped that out. 

KAYLA: Oh, man. He really did it. How bold. How adventurous to use beep. That was me blanking the secret ingredient out. 

SARAH: Yeah, we got that. 

KAYLA: You try to go even deeper into the sea of flavors, but this revelation alone is more than you can handle. You snap out of it and realize that this information wasn't meant… was meant to remain a secret, and yet, now you know. A mantle of responsibility now rests upon your shoulders. 

SARAH: You're pretty good at identifying tastes then. 

KAYLA: Yeah, honestly, if it's like, secret. As you look around, you realize that everyone in the room is consumed by the lunch. No one noticed that you've traveled through space and time. 

SARAH: We're always traveling through space and time, so take that. 

KAYLA: It's fair. After tasting his food, you try to get some one-on-one time with Colonel Sanders. 

SARAH: I'd really rather call him Harland, but okay. 

KAYLA: You approach Colonel Sanders, our only option. 

SARAH: It’s my only option 

KAYLA: Colonel Sanders smiles ever so softly as you approach. He stops what he's doing and allows you to break the silence. 

SARAH: This reads like a mediocre fanfiction. 

KAYLA: Yes. Colonel, I wondered if I could talk to you for a second? 

SARAH: Anything for a fellow chef. 

KAYLA: I hate it. What exactly was on that chicken? 

[00:40:00]

SARAH: Two question marks. Oh, Harland is sweating. Hahaha. How bold to come out and ask. It's an idea I had for a new combination of flavors that will make me my fortune and establish my legacy for all time as I open a chain of highly successful fried chicken restaurants. No big deal. 

KAYLA: He's holding like a stuff with a chicken on top? 

SARAH: He is, yeah. 

KAYLA: I don't know where he got that from. 

SARAH: I don't either

KAYLA: It's just you and me talking. I can keep a secret. In fact, I've got some of my own that I'd be willing to trade. 

SARAH: Wow. What's the rush? The semester is only getting started. The three-day semester. We've got two more whole days to get to know each other. 

KAYLA: He's clearly not going to give up so easily, but it doesn't hurt to be persistent. You know what they say about secrets, Colonel. Shouldn't learning be fun? 

SARAH: What do they say about secrets? 

KAYLA: I don't know. 

SARAH: Secret are no fun. I got it.  

KAYLA: Okay 

SARAH: You've got moxie. I'll give you that. I love the word moxie. I love the word moxie and I give you such big ups for using it. 

KAYLA: Colonel Sanders looks both ways to make sure you're truly alone and then leans in. You could feel his warm breath as he whispers.

SARAH:  How are you yawning when you can feel his warm breath through your airways? 

KAYLA: I don’t know 

SARAH: That's why. Just one ingredient that you can't tell. I use BEEP. It's something my great-grandmother taught me. Oh, he's serving looks again. 

KAYLA: BEEP. Wow. You'd never have guessed that. In fact, you're not even sure where you'd get some if you searched. 

SARAH: But didn't you just figure it out when you were traveling through space and time? 

KAYLA: Yeah. I don’t even fucking know. And BEEP definitely isn't the flavor you tasted before, so now you're two ingredients closer to knowing the full recipe. But you don't tell Colonel Sanders that. Aha! 

SARAH: That makes more sense. 

KAYLA: We're sneaky. While you're wrapped up in that huge revelation, you notice that Colonel Sanders has disappeared. While everyone else is still in the cafeteria, you decide to look for him. 

SARAH: God, time to become a stalker. 

KAYLA: You find Colonel Sanders outside, standing in the quad. 

SARAH: Oh, it's you again. Howdy! 

KAYLA: Hi, I just followed you. 

SARAH: Sometimes I like to come outside and look at the school buildings. I think about how my story will continue on after I've graduated. You got a big head. 

KAYLA: If we just started the semester, how is he already the favorite student and like knows? Like, I'm confused. 

SARAH: The semester's also three days. There are a lot of questions here. 

KAYLA: It sounds like you have some big plans. 

SARAH: I dare say, the biggest. I will leave my mark on this world. You can bet on that. 

KAYLA: He does this certain standing position where his arms are huge. 

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Like, the most un-proportional things we've ever seen. Alone together for the first time, you figure now is the perfect moment to show your personality to him. Neg him to show your own… What? 

SARAH: Like, be mean in a playful way.  

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: I'm all for that even though it might be interpreted as flirting. That is my problem in life. 

KAYLA: Okay. Well, you didn’t see the other ones, wow him with a big idea to add additional ingredient to really spice things up. Or be modest, but thoughtful.  

SARAH: I think we should neg him to show our own strength. 

KAYLA: I mean, okay. 

SARAH: Cool. I mean, I'm the aro-ace expert here, so. 

KAYLA: That’s true. You know, I've been thinking about your secret recipe. 

SARAH: Of course, you were. You don't tend to forget a flavor combination like that. 

KAYLA: That's exactly right. I remember it because I've tasted it before. I stopped at a random fried chicken stand the other day, and their chicken tasted exactly like yours. 

SARAH: Did you just compare my recipe to a random fried chicken stand? 

KAYLA: Well, yes I did. But it was a really good stand. Especially considering it was frozen first. While we're going through…

SARAH: Frozen chicken? 

KAYLA: Colonel Sanders struggles to conceal his emotions, fighting back tears of anger. 

SARAH: Bitch, be crying. I can't believe you'd say such a thing. 

KAYLA: You realize you've done irreparable damage to your relationship for once and can never recover. He's hurt. 

SARAH: That was not really very successful negging. 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: It wasn't really correct. How could you? 

KAYLA: Hey, Juliet. You saw that this game was called Dating Sim, right? If that's your idea of dating, this is not the game for you. 

SARAH: That's the point, KFC. 

KAYLA: Game over! 

SARAH: Oh my god! The trick is if you act Aro-Ace, you lose. 

KAYLA: Oh my god, we lost the dating sim.  

SARAH: That's really funny. 

KAYLA: Well? 

SARAH: This is what I get for going with my Aro-Ace instincts. 

KAYLA: That's it, folks. 

SARAH: Oh, that was funny. 

KAYLA: That was good. I'm going to turn off the music now. 

SARAH: Yeah, please do. 

KAYLA: It's annoying me. 

SARAH: Wow. 

KAYLA: Yup. 

SARAH: Wow. Alright. Kayla, what are your thoughts on that? 

KAYLA: I mean, it's a lot. 

SARAH: I think it was very funny that we straight up failed because we played it Aro-Ace. Like, normally if you're like, like when I took the Kinsey Scale test and it was like, you failed because you're Aro-Ace. I was like, that's offensive. But in this case, I'm like, that's fucking funny. 

KAYLA: No, it's very good. I mean, I'm not surprised it happens. I did start to wonder because like there's a daddy dating simulator game. Have you ever heard of this? 

SARAH: No. 

KAYLA: So, you like, it's like you and you can, there's a bunch of different like dads and you like pick which dad you want to date, whatever. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: We maybe should play that sometime. But you can fail that. 

SARAH: Interesting 

KAYLA: So, I honestly did, it did cross my mind that it was possible to fail the game. 

SARAH: Honestly, I was kind of thinking that negging might be construed as flirting. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: Because that is kind of my problem. 

KAYLA: Yeah.  

SARAH: Is like the better friends I am with someone like the meaner I am to them. 

KAYLA: Yeah, no, same. 

SARAH: So, like, if I start negging someone, sometimes it's taken as flirting when it's not. 

KAYLA: But we did it wrong. 

SARAH: I think it's funny. I think we did it right. 

KAYLA: I'm pleased with what we did. And maybe sometime, if you like this, we can go back and try to win. 

SARAH: And try and get in Harland's pants. Or I think the real win would be figuring out the secret recipe. 

KAYLA: I agree. 

SARAH: I also am kind of curious about the different character arcs. 

KAYLA: I agree. I do know that if you choose to sit next to Colonel Sanders, you, Pop sits next to your friend. And your friend said Pop was cute. I don't know if that relationship goes somewhere. 

SARAH: Interesting. I also like how Student doesn't have a name because no one cares about him. 

KAYLA: I do like that a lot. He is very weird. His arms do weird things. 

SARAH: Yeah. It looks kind of like he is trying to be a zombie with his arms. 

KAYLA: Yeah, but only half try. 

SARAH: We do the mash. We do the monster mash. 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: Amazing. Wow. And that ended up timing itself perfectly. 

KAYLA: It did. That really worked out.  

SARAH: Just because we lost. Wow. I mean, that was a wild time. If you have some spare time and don't know what to do, by all means, play it and tell us what happens when you do different things. 

KAYLA: Or if you really want us to keep playing. 

SARAH: Yeah, we'll do it. 

KAYLA: We can do this. 

SARAH: We will do it. 

KAYLA: And remember, if you're a patron, you can watch it while it happens. 

SARAH: You can. Hopefully we did explain it well enough for those of you who are just listening. 

KAYLA: Hopefully.  

SARAH: And for Patrons, the video will be a little janky because we started doing it on my computer and then I switched to Kayla's computer. 

KAYLA: It's a lot. 

SARAH: You'll get to see how it glitched out on my computer, so that's fun. 

KAYLA: Yeah, fun. 

SARAH: Cool. What's our poll for this week? 

KAYLA: Would you date Colonel Sanders? 

SARAH: What if my answer is yes? 

KAYLA: Well, should it be, but should it be what would you rather? Date Colonel Sanders, date hot Colonel Sanders or find out the secret KFC recipe? 

SARAH: Mm. What if I don't really want to do either? 

KAYLA: I... 

SARAH: Like I'm not much of a cook. Like even if I knew the recipe, it wouldn't matter to me. I would still just go to KFC and buy the chicken. I haven't had KFC in years. 

KAYLA: I don't think I have either. 

SARAH: Well, this is how... it's an ad campaign. 

KAYLA: I mean it literally is. It's kind of a good one. What’s the poll? 

SARAH: Yeah. Okay, so the poll is would you rather date hot Harland Sanders or know the secret recipe? 

KAYLA: Alright. 

SARAH: Cool. You're welcome KFC for this publicity. What is your joos and your beef this week? 

KAYLA: Um, you go first. 

SARAH: Okay, my beef is that my upper back hurts for some reason. Like weirdly achy. It started this afternoon, unclear why, won't go away. So cool. My joos! Okay. I have two jooses. Only two. They're both major. Okay, joos number one. Ronan Farrow and John Lovett got engaged. And it was revealed in Ronan Farrow's book that just came out about breaking the Harvey Weinstein story. And Ronan Farrow is a journalist. He has a Pulitzer because he broke the Harvey Weinstein story. 

[00:50:00]

KAYLA: Tea  

SARAH: John Lovett used to be a speechwriter for Obama and is now one of the Pods of America dudes. And they've been together for like 10 years. But they got engaged and the way Ronan proposed because he was showing, like he was having Lovett read through like a draft of his book. And he just wrote marriage. And you know how John Lovett responded? He responded in the most John Lovett way by saying, sure. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. That's what my sister said when she was proposed to. 

SARAH: Amazing. 

KAYLA: Was sure. 

SARAH: Sure 

KAYLA: I think. Yeah.

SARAH: But anyway, I love it so much and Lovett is very embarrassed to like talk about it in public because that's just like how he is. Like he doesn't like they interviewed Ronan on the show recently because they because, you know, his book just came out, which I bought and I'm going to read. But he like introduced him. He was like he like he like gave his like, oh, he's a journalist. He's whatever. He's also my golf buddy. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. 

SARAH: And Ronan goes, you can say partner. And he's like, partner? 

KAYLA: Gold buddy? That's very good. 

SARAH: But also Ronan lives in New York City and John lives in L.A. 

KAYLA: Oh. 

SARAH: So questions. Anyway. But okay. My second juice is that George Salazar is going to play Amy's brother on Superstore. Holy shit. 

KAYLA: Really?

SARAH: I'm so excited. Yes. 

KAYLA: Whoa. That is exciting. 

SARAH: I'm so excited. So excited. What's your beef and joos? 

KAYLA: Okay. My beef is what's his fucking name? Perez Hilton or whatever. 

SARAH: Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. 

KAYLA: So, this came out like before our episode last week aired, but we had already recorded it. I won't go too much into it. It's on our Twitter, but like he's being stupid. 

SARAH: Classic Perez Hilton. Being stupid. 

KAYLA: Do we have another beef? I can't think of one. We won't make me think of one. 

SARAH: Cool. 

KAYLA: My jooses are... I just had one. Oh, I've been listening to this podcast Mission to Zix. It's really good. It's like an improvised space comedy. It's like a fiction one, but they like improvise most of it except for like the bigger plot, but they do like a lot of like spoofing on Star Wars and stuff. It's very, very good. Would recommend. Yeah, I think you would like it actually. 

SARAH: I think I would too. 

KAYLA: I like... I've been listening to Chill Hop at work. It's just like chill hip hop beats with no words. And it can be a very relaxing time at work. I also like this restaurant near me called 163. They have really good pizza and sandwiches and wings and fries and literally every food they make is amazing. And like the guy that works there has started to recognize me and my friends at work because it's like a literal one-minute walk away from work. 

SARAH: Nice 

KAYLA: So, we go there like at least three times a week. And so, shout out to Kevin at 163. 

SARAH: Hey Kevin. 

KAYLA: Hey Kevin. Yeah. 

SARAH: Nice. I was going to say something in response to the thing you have said before that one. 

KAYLA: The one I said before that one was Chill Hop.  

SARAH: Oh, Chill Hop. My equivalent of Chill Hop is listening to random indie playlists on Spotify where I may know a couple songs that come up but for the most part I don't know all the songs. But they're just like indie and chill and so I can just tune them out while I'm doing work. That's my equivalent of chill hop. 

KAYLA: When we were still in undergrad I used to listen to the Star Trek soundtrack a lot while studying. That's a good soundtrack to listen to.  

SARAH: Yeah. If you want to be super hype, Mad Max Fury Road. If you want to go all out. The Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is also a good one. Yeah, I listen to soundtracks sometimes too. 

KAYLA: Yeah

SARAH: That's the tea. Okay. You can find us everywhere @SoundsFakePod. Tell us about your thoughts on the KFC dating sim. 

KAYLA: Please do. It's free by the way. Free on Steam.  

SARAH: Yeah, it's free. 

KAYLA: We'll link it. 

SARAH: Also tell us about what music you listen to when you're doing work. 

KAYLA: Ooh, yeah. 

SARAH: I'm kind of curious now. 

KAYLA: I am curious. 

SARAH: You can also support us on Patreon if you so choose. Patreon.com/Sounds FakePod. Our $2 patrons are Keith McBlaine, Roxanne, AliceIsInSpace, Anonymous, Mariah Walter, Jonathan, Christopher T. Verdieri, Patrick Jackson, Andrew Yang, Ninny, Courtney Jones, Eric B., and Amanda Juntanen, who is trying to run a coup in the Discord. For context, Amanda is my sister's girlfriend. She told me that becoming a patron was my birthday present. 

KAYLA: Aww. That's sweet.  

SARAH: And she's trying to run a coup in the Discord to get us to talk about this specific book, so I guess I've just put her coup on blast. 

KAYLA: Wow. T. 

SARAH: Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Tim, Ryan Lutzietti, BookMarvel, and Changeling MX, who is green, right? Not purple. 

KAYLA: I don't remember.  

SARAH: I think I said last week that they were purple or green. This week Changeling is... 

KAYLA: I think they're uwu. 

SARAH: Nice. Like uwu, like U-W-U? 

KAYLA: Yeah, because it feels like a little bit anime, you know? 

SARAH: Yeah, it does. Okay. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa, @dirtyunclekevin, @Tessa_M_K. Hold on, I need a sip of water before I do this. 

KAYLA: Oh.  

SARAH: Arcness, who would like to promote The Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra, who would like to promote Tabletop Games, Anonymous, who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy, who would like to promote podcasts for a Planet Weird, and my Aunt Jeannie, who would like to promote Christopher's Haven. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com, my mom Julie, who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sarah Jones, who is @eternalloli everywhere and Dragonfly. What is Dragonfly going to promote this week? 

KAYLA: Dragonfly… Yes, and also big juice, because I've been drinking a lot of big juice lately. I have one and a half big juices in my fridge right now.  

SARAH: This is what happens when you have one person for one full-size fridge. 

KAYLA: I know. 

SARAH: You just have so much big juice. 

KAYLA: I drink it so fast, though. 

SARAH: Oh boy. Alright. Well, good on you. Thank you for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your corgis, who are also professors at a culinary school, and also your cows. 

SARAH: Okay.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]