Ep 41: Are You Faking Your Sexuality?
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a demi straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Sounding fake
BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro music*
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: Noot noot.
SARAH: Noot. Very erudite of us to say that.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: The noots.
KAYLA: Alright, we’re going to move on.
SARAH: (laughs) Listen, we’re doing our best here. Alright, what are we talking about this week, Kayla?
KAYLA: So we received some lovely emails recently, asking for some advice, because apparently we’re qualified to give advice now.
SARAH: Interesting. Sounds fake.
KAYLA: Yeah, I also thought that. And that were suggesting possible episodes, so we got permission from these lovely people to talk about what they were asking us. I actually don’t know if I can say their names, because I didn’t ask that.
SARAH: I would say don’t say their names.
KAYLA: Alright, so we have two lovely people; they actually happen to be friends and they were both emailing about the same thing, so that was cute. So basically, they’re about feeling you’re faking being ace. Our first person was saying that their older sibling is ace and so they’re wondering if they’re just convincing themself [that] they’re ace because they look up to their sibling a ton. The other person, it was pretty similar, just asking – They were basically saying they have a hard time separating their experiences and the experiences of people they relate to, or their friends, or people they see on the internet so they kind of also feel like they might be faking their asexuality.
So they both kind of feel like they’re just pretending, or acting this way because of other people, and they’re worried that they’re not really actually ace.
SARAH: Yeah, which is valid and I think people of all sexualities - well, maybe not straight people as much –
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: Am I really straight?
SARAH: Yeah. I feel most queer people have this experience, but that doesn’t make it fun, or exciting. I mean, maybe it’s exciting, but it’s not fun.
KAYLA: I don’t think it’s exciting either.
SARAH: Yeah, I don’t really think it’s exciting, but I can’t speak for everyone.
KAYLA: Alright, jury’s still out on that one.
SARAH: (laughs) Yeah. But I get that, especially if – Because there are two different sides to this. The one is where you are surrounded by people who may be ace umbrella, and you’re like well, am I just doing this because I think I should? Or saying that this is my identity because people around me are, and that’s influencing me? The other one is being like, well I’m the only ace person here, am I really ace? Especially if society does tell you like hey, you should be doing this, and you’re like well, maybe? Do I? What? What’s happening?
And so it’s two different issues, but it’s the same thing either way, essentially. It’s like, there’s some outside force being like, (whispers) you should question everything, yay (laughs). Which you know, in life can be good, to question things, however, questioning your sexuality is not as fun.
KAYLA: Which we’ve talked about.
SARAH: Yeah. Do you ever feel like you’re faking it, Kayla?
KAYLA: Um yeah, actually. I think a lot of times I kind of wonder, and I don’t know if this is just me questioning myself or even just my whole (flubs words)
SARAH: What? (laughs)
KAYLA: I just sometimes can’t talk, maybe we should just move on. It’s me wondering like, yeah this is the way I feel and I don’t like hooking up with people, I don’t personally get value out of that and sometimes I’m like, is that even my sexuality, or is that just a preference? And I think that’s me questioning demisexuality as a whole, which sucks and doesn’t feel good to do, because it feels like I’m invalidating myself, and a ton of other people.
But it is sometimes something I think about, and yeah, so then I question is this – And especially because it’s not a huge part of my life, since I’m also straight, and that’s the majority of my sexuality, and I don’t often think about demi unless I’m actively out dating.
So I question it all the time, especially when I first started identifying that way, I really – Because you know, I didn’t take on that label for a while, and I think those were some of the reasons why.
SARAH: I think on that vein too, especially if you’re towards the beginning of your journey, it’s easy to feel like you’re faking it. Because when I first started using identifiers, especially for my romantic orientation, at first when I started calling myself aro, I was like, am I just calling myself aro because I’m sick of not being totally sure? Am I just looking for an excuse to have a more solid term? And after a little bit of time, I was like no, I like this.
But I did still have that period of, is this real, or do I just want to have this sexuality? Which is an interesting thing, to be asking yourself if you really feel this way, or if you just want to be of a certain sexuality.
KAYLA: Yeah, that’s fair.
SARAH: It’s kind of hard for people who haven’t experienced questioning, it’s very hard to explain.
KAYLA: Right. And in the ace community, I can imagine – Because there’s so many different types of asexuality, and one day we do plan on doing an episode about all the different kinds under the umbrella, because it’s exhaustive and we don’t even have a good grasp of that.
But I can imagine if you know that you’re not just strictly ace, but you’re not sure if you want to say you’re greyace, or all the different terms, I can imagine that it might be quite common for people to just pick one because they’re sick of not having a label.
SARAH: Yeah, that was definitely how I felt at first.
KAYLA: But I don’t necessarily think, in my opinion and this, I don’t know, could be very wrong, I don’t know that there’s anything wrong with picking one for a while and just trying it out and seeing how it feels, because there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind later.
SARAH: And I think one of the things that was said in one of the emails was something to the effect of – There’s the question of, I’m reading about other people’s experiences, I’m hearing about other people’s experiences, am I just conflating my experiences with theirs, or am I really experiencing these feelings separate from that?
And so if you, if you’ve grown up being familiar with the community, or even if you’ve just done a deep dive into the ace umbrella, that can be a thing that feels like it’s happening. Like, okay, I didn’t really notice that I was feeling this way, or whatever, before I read this, so did me reading it turn on a lightbulb, and be like oh yeah, same? Or did me reading this make me read into how I was feeling in a different way?
And that’s something that I feel like happens as well, where you end up feeling like well, am I faking this? And it’s very hard to know in that moment, which is like, that’s how it is, unfortunately.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I would say to people who do feel like they’re faking it, for starters I would say most queer people at some point in their lives feel like they’re faking it. That’s probably not true of all queer people, but it definitely is true of some of them. And so a) you’re not alone for starters, and you’re not any less queer for having those thoughts, or concerns, or whatever.
Also though, it’s probably not gong to last forever, because if you spend too long feeling like you’re faking it, then you’re probably using the wrong identifier, and you’re going to figure that out, you know what I mean?
KAYLA: Yeah, but (pause) I don’t know. I also think there’s a chance, sure, that if you think you’re faking it, you might be using the wrong identifier, but I also think –
SARAH: I’m saying long-term, if you continue feeling that way for a long time. If it’s short-term, that’s not necessarily the case, but continue.
(10:00)
KAYLA: I think in the short-term, it might just mean that you need to be a little more comfortable in your own skin. I think maybe, like I had the reaction right, where I didn’t want to take on the demi label for a while? And I feel like this could be a manifestation of that stage of not being quite comfortable with a label, and the way you’re dealing with that is trying to reject it, and trying to come up with reasons why it might be fake.
SARAH: Yeah, and when I say that in the long-term, if you continue feeling this way you might have the wrong identifier, that’s not meant to scare you. For starters, a) if that’s the case, that’s okay. But b), I’m not trying to make you question it more, that’s just sort of, sometimes over time you realize you were wrong, or using the wrong identifier. Just because you feel like you’re faking it now though, doesn’t mean that you have to jump to that conclusion of oh, this must be the wrong identifier.
KAYLA: Right. I don’t think you mean it in an all-encompassing way that like, if you feel like that now, in the long-term you definitely have the wrong [identifier]
SARAH: Yeah, that’s not what I mean at all.
KAYLA: I think it’s important to get comfortable with the idea that your perception of your identity and the label you choose to use can change over time, and it might, and that’s okay. And it doesn’t invalidate what you felt before, or what you feel now.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: So it might not be the case, even if you do feel like this for a while, you might come to the conclusion that you feel comfortable with the label you’ve chosen all along, but I do think it’s important to realize that it’s okay if it changes, and it’s okay if you realize – I don’t know, because I think a lot of people that think like they’re faking it, I don’t think they are, because if you are thinking so hard that you must be faking it, then you’re obviously thinking about it a lot and you’ve done your research and you’re part of the community, and so chances are, you are not.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: But it’s okay to that way and it’s okay if it ends up that maybe you were, a little bit, you know?
SARAH: Yeah, and I also think a lot of the reason people feel like they’re faking it, because it’s not just with sexuality that people feel like they’re faking it, any other whether that’s gender, mental health, or whatever, society tells you that you should be trying to be like, fill-in-the-blank identity, whether that’s because that’s the normative identity, or whether that’s because that’s an identity that you have some kind of connection to, for example if you do have a sibling who’s in the queer community, or you have a friend who’s in the queer community, you have some kind of connection to that. So part of you is like, oh, I should be like that to fit in, almost.
So society a lot of times is telling you oh, you should be fitting in this box, and sometimes it feels like you’re trying too hard to fit into that box. That doesn’t mean you don’t fit in that box, but it also doesn’t mean that – But it is important to recognize that it’s not just, it’s not necessarily your fault, if you feel like you’re faking it.
KAYLA: No, I think – I mean there’s a term in psychology, not to use my major at you, but –
SARAH: Every other episode, Kayla brings up her major. (laughs)
KAYLA: (laughs) I’m never really going to use it, so I have to use it while I can. There’s a thing called imposter syndrome, and it happens a lot when people get new jobs, or are all of a sudden successful, and they look at the people around them and they feel like they’re an imposter. They feel like, I don’t know how I got this job when everyone around me is so talented and so much better than me, and I’m just faking it. They just haven’t realized yet that I’m actually not good at this, and I’m actually fake.
And so I think that could happen a lot too in every other area of life, where you’re just constantly waiting for someone to find you out, because you don’t feel as real as people around you. And I think I have that with being demi too, because a lot of other people, it’s a way bigger part of their identity than mine, and so I’m kind of waiting for someone to tell me that I shouldn’t use that identity, or that I’m not demi enough, you know? And I think that sucks, to feel that way. That doesn’t make it true.
I think another point to bring up is at least the people that emailed in to us are not like children, but they’re young, they’re teenagers. And I think a big part of being a teenager is trying to figure yourself out, because even now I’ll do this, but especially as a teenager, you’re hanging around with your friends, and you’ll start picking up on things they do, and sometimes it becomes more than that, you pick up even more than just their catchphrases, you start acting like them or you act like people you see on TV, I think as a teenager when you’re still forming your identity, those really formative years, that maybe you are doing those things, and if you’re extra conscious of those things, you might think you’re doing it in all areas of your life.
You might think oh, since I act like my friends and pick up their catchphrases, maybe I’m just picking up their sexuality.
SARAH: Yeah. I feel like this is a little all over the place and I apologize. But I also wanted to say that if, especially if you know other people in the queer community, you may feel external pressure to choose an identifier, which, you know, that happens. Because people want to put you in a box, because that’s what people like to do. And so I think sometimes external pressure can make people not necessarily jump to conclusions; some people might jump to conclusions, but it does make you really think about the identifier you’ve chosen, and if you are still younger, if you are still in those early times in self-discovery, it can definitely make you question, did I put myself in the right box? Especially if it’s people who are older than you, who are putting that pressure on you whether that’s intentional or not.
When you’re younger than people, especially if – I didn’t really have this experience, because I didn’t ace umbrella people in my life when I was discovering my sexuality, but I can totally see it happening where you’re a young queer kid and there’s someone who’s older than you who you look up to, who uses the identifier of, say they use the identifier of gay, and you’re this little queer kid and you’re like, I don’t think I’m straight, I might be gay, I don’t know. But there’s this person who you look up to who calls themselves gay, and you feel pressure to use an identifier yourself, you might be more likely to be like, I should call myself gay because this person is calling themselves gay. Does that make sense? Did that make sense at all?
KAYLA: I think that makes sense, but also it’s important to realize that if that is happening, if that does happen, it doesn’t make you a bad person.
SARAH: No, not at all. I think that’s –
KAYLA: Definitely not your fault, and like I said before, changing your mind, or realizing that something didn’t fit is normal and fine.
SARAH: Yeah, and I think that’s the number one thing I want to emphasize in this episode, because the stuff we’re saying is a little bit all over the place because basically we’re saying okay, so you feel like you’re faking it? One thing that could be happening is that you’re not, and you’re just trying to figure things out. The other thing that could be happening is that you are faking it, which seems very daunting, that’s kind of not the thing I think people necessarily want to hear.
I think that is the case less often than the first one, however, regardless of whether you’re going to keep that identifier or change your identifier or whatever happens, you’re not a bad person for feeling like you’re faking it.
KAYLA: I think the reason this episode’s been all over the place is, for me at least, I’ve been skirting the idea of telling people that they might be faking it, because that feels bad, but I guess what we like to do is talk about hard things, so a hard thing to talk about is like, I don’t know, maybe you are.
But I think also “faking it” is the wrong way to put it, almost –
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because that gives the idea that you’re faking it on purpose to trick people and you’re being malicious, which I don’t think anyone, unless you’re an awful person, which I don’t think anyone that wrote in or listens to this is, so it’s hard to talk about because it makes it seem like a very bad thing. When in reality, it’s just another version of questioning and being unsure about yourself.
(20:00)
SARAH: Right, and I feel weirdly guilty about the things I’ve said so far in this episode, and I think that’s why, because I feel like it might feel to a listener as if I’m telling them they’re faking it, which is not at all what I mean to say, because in all honesty, most people who feel like they’re faking it probably aren’t.
I think talking about faking it is just another way of talking about questioning. I think people who feel like they’re faking it are just questioning their identity as they move forward, and I think thinking about it as if you’re questioning rather than thinking as though you’re faking it is –
KAYLA: It’s a more constructive way to think about it.
SARAH: It’s more constructive, and I think it’s a healthier way to think about it.
KAYLA: You’re not blaming yourself.
SARAH: Yeah. And again, if you feel like you’re faking it, you’re not a bad person, however if you do have that feeling, I do urge you to try and shift your view and just think about it as questioning. Because I think the phrase ‘faking it’ has an inherently negative connotation, whereas questioning has a pretty neutral connotation.
So I think thinking about it as questioning, rather than faking it is helpful, because when I was thinking about these emails and this topic, I was like, in the subject of sexuality at least, this isn’t necessarily true of all things that you could feel like you’re faking, but in sexuality at least, I’ve never really had that feeling of faking it, but I’ve definitely had that feeling of questioning.
So I think pretty much everyone has had that feeling, it’s just about how you’re framing it and how you’re thinking about it.
KAYLA: I do think this is just another manifestation of it, and maybe this feeling, because like you’ve said, you don’t have contact with a lot of ace people, and so for people who do have more contact with the community in real life or online, this might be a manifestation of questioning that neither of us are super familiar with, because we don’t have that.
SARAH: But honestly, if you do have that, I would view that as a blessing, not as a curse because, although it might make the questioning a little bit harder, knowing that you have people around you who have similar identities, or can help you along in that journey, I think is more beneficial than anything we could ever tell you.
KAYLA: Yeah, and I think if you are close with other people and those are the people you feel like you’re faking it off of, if you feel comfortable with those people I would even express that feeling to them.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like hey, I almost feel like I’m copying you, this is weird, do you ever get that vibe? And I think chances are they’ll tell you, no.
SARAH: Chances are they’ll say yes.
KAYLA: Chances are they’ll say oh, I sometimes feel like that too –
SARAH: Yes, that’s what I meant.
KAYLA: And no I don’t think you’re faking it.
SARAH: Yes, that is what I meant. I didn’t mean to say yes you’re faking it. (laughs)
KAYLA: I was like, hmm, Sarah? So I think this is maybe a curse of being part of the community, but I think you can also turn it around and use it to your advantage.
SARAH: I also think even if you have people in your life who may not necessarily have the same identity as you – Idendity, I said that weird. Anyway, who may not have the same identity as you, odds are they have at some point in their life felt like they were faking something. And so if you are comfortable talking to them, and if you’re in a safe environment, even if you don’t have people of similar sexualities, you can confide in that person, because even if they don’t understand your exact situation, they’re going to get it.
KAYLA: Yep. Um, Sarah?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Do you have any concrete advice to someone, of what maybe to do for themselves if they feel like they’re faking it?
SARAH: Yep. Well, no. Maybe. (laughs) I guess I would say talk to people if you can, because they would be able to reassure you in a way that we can’t, just because they personally know you. I think, this may be bad advice, but this is probably what I would do is whatever part of your sexuality that you’re questioning, I would probably look it up and read about it, and be like oh right, that is me. I’m not crazy.
KAYLA: I had some similar advice, I think it’s kind of the opposite of what you said earlier. I do think you should talk to people, and maybe something you should also do is take time to yourself to just think, and to reflect without the people that you think you might be faking it, or that you think you might be copying. Just kind of separate yourself for a bit and really look in on yourself and think about without these people, if I didn’t have these people around, if it’s just me right here, how am I feeling and what’s going on inside my head?
SARAH: Yeah, and that’s what I would do because let’s be real, I’m a hypocrite, I don’t talk to people. (laughs)
KAYLA: I’ve never talked to Sarah in my life.
SARAH: Yeah, never. I think it really just depends on your situation, and I think what you feel is the right course of action for you, of those things.
KAYLA: I think what you said earlier about reframing it as questioning, I think to me that’s one of the most important things to do, maybe.
SARAH: Yeah, and there is no harm, we’ve said it a thousand times, I’m going to say it again, there is no harm in questioning, or feeling like you’re faking it. I think the most important part is to just think about it in a way that isn’t inherently self-deprecating. Because if you’re saying you’re faking it, it’s sort of like you’re beating yourself up with it –
KAYLA: Well you’re telling yourself it’s your fault.
SARAH: Yeah, and it’s not.
KAYLA: Whereas questioning, it’s no one’s fault, it’s just how it is. Which sucks, because then you don’t have anyone to blame, but –
SARAH: (laughs) Right. And it can be hard to do that, I totally understand that it can be hard to turn that around and be like, you know what? This isn’t my fault, this isn’t something wrong with me.
KAYLA: Yeah, changing your mindset doesn’t happen in a day. We’re saying this like it’s very easy, but we both know that it’s a process.
SARAH: And we’re also saying this as people who, for the most part, are on the other side of that process, and so I can understand that if you’re at the beginning, or knee-deep in the middle of it, it can be hard to see the end, and I think that’s true of everything, but especially with questioning and stuff, it’s really hard to believe people when they’re like, it gets better, but you just have to trust the process and not beat yourself up as you go.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And if you feel guilty about something, you’ve got to forgive yourself for it, man. There’s no shame in feeling guilty or feeling like you’re faking it, but you have to move forward from that, because if you spend your whole life doing that, then you’re never going to be happy with what you end up with.
KAYLA: I think it’s, like I said, it’s definitely an okay feeling to have and it’s normal, but don’t just shove the feeling inside. Work it out, healthily, over time, but eventually do allow yourself to forgive yourself, when you’re ready.
SARAH: I hope that those who emailed us and anyone else who have similar issues, found that helpful.
KAYLA: If not, let us know. We will try again.
SARAH: (laughs) We did our best, but it’s a tough situation to deal with.
KAYLA: Like we said, we were skirting the topic for a long time because I think a lot of the things we talked about, there are some things that are hard to say because you’d rather they not be true, but I think it’s important to talk about, and to feel.
SARAH: You’ve got to say the things that are hard to say, but you also have to recognize that –
KAYLA: No wait, I just had it. You’ve got to say the things you don’t want to say, and know that it will be okay.
SARAH: Oh wow, that rhymes.
KAYLA: Put it on a t-shirt. New merch, who?
SARAH: Okay. (laughs) I was just going to say, although we said those things, don’t jump to conclusions. Just because that’s a possibility, doesn’t mean it’s ‘the’ possibility, and the answer.
KAYLA: Also, take everything we say with a large grain of salt.
SARAH: So much salt.
KAYLA: We obviously don’t have all the answers. This is something we don’t have as much experience with –
SARAH: We’re still children.
KAYLA: Even the things we do have experience with, we’re just talking from our own experiences, so we have no right to say that any of this is universal or true for anyone.
SARAH: I don’t have a degree in this.
(30:00)
KAYLA: I don’t have any degree.
SARAH: Yeah, we have high school diplomas. That’s not a degree, that’s a diploma.
KAYLA: You can get a job with a GED or a diploma though, so.
SARAH: Well, yeah. Again, so I hope that this was helpful and to those of you who didn’t have this feeling coming in, maybe you learned something, I don’t know.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: It does feel a little redundant, just because it all comes down to questioning again, but you know, so goes it. Doesn’t everything come back down to questioning in life?
KAYLA: Yeah and you know, no one ever said reinforcement was bad. (laughs)
SARAH: (laughs) Alright, what’s our poll?
KAYLA: You know – (pause)
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Yeah, me either.
SARAH: How about this?
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: Let’s just say, have you ever felt like you have been –
KAYLA: A fraud.
SARAH: Yeah, have you ever felt like a fraud in your life, have you ever felt like you’ve been faking – Do we want to be specific to sexuality, or just be like –
KAYLA: No, I think just in life.
SARAH: Because y’all are going to look at the responses and be, oh yeah, everyone does this.
KAYLA: Everyone’s a fraud.
SARAH: Everyone is a fraud. So yeah, have you ever felt like you were a fraud/faking it in life? Yes or no. My answer is yes.
KAYLA: Same.
SARAH: You can find that poll on our Twitter @soundsfakepod, you can also find us on Tumblr soundsfakepod.tumblr.com or email us like these two wonderful folks did at soundsfakep – ooh.
KAYLA: Ooh.
SARAH: If you didn’t –
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Sorry, I really struggle, (laughs) I didn’t finish saying the email, soundsfakepod@gmail.com.
KAYLA: If you feel like we gave really good advice, and want to ask for some for yourself, first of all, why? And second of all, I guess.
SARAH: We’ll do our best. (laughs)
KAYLA: We’ll be here.
SARAH: We’ll try. Also, if you have any other advice that we didn’t touch on, to do with this topic, do send it to us, tweet it at us. We will, with your permission, share it out to the world.
KAYLA: Yeah, so then maybe we’ll have some better, more concrete answers. (laughs)
SARAH: Yeah, that don’t jump all over the place.
KAYLA: One time we got a review that was like, they jump all over the place too much, and I was like, yeah that’s fair.
SARAH: We do.
KAYLA: And then we proceeded to not fix it.
SARAH: To never change anything.
KAYLA: Shouts out to that person.
SARAH: Shout out. We have a Patreon, in case you want to throw money at this ridiculous podcast, a horrible advice podcast.
KAYLA: I don’t know dudes, seems like a waste but I’ll take it, I don’t know. I’m poor.
SARAH: Okay, so once again we’re bringing it back to my favorite podcast, Dear Hank and John –
KAYLA: Jesus Christ.
SARAH: And the premise of that podcast is that they give advice, but they specifically refer to it as dubious advice, and that’s what this is.
Anyway, if you would like to support us on Patreon, you can find us as patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We’re changing the perks a little bit, we’re just shifting them, so $5 patrons we’re no longer promoing anything, we’re just saying your name, sorry. And $10 patrons we’re still promoing things. So, cool.
For our $2 patrons we have Sara Jones and Keith McBlaine. For our $5 patrons we have Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney and Perry Fiero.
For our $10 patrons we have Emma Fink, you can find her on YouTube by looking up Emma T Fink. And then we have Tristan Call who would like to promote their friend Harley who you can find on DeviantArt and Tumblr @rationallyparanoid.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Yeah, so that’s that. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.