Ep 50: Answering Questions Posed by Songs
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a demi straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Answering questions posed by songs.
BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro music*
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: Listen –
SARAH: Okay, before anything happens, just some background. We got mics, finally, and this is going to be the first episode posted with the mics. However, we’re still trying to figure out the mics, and we’re still trying to figure out how to best use them, so if I’m a little quieter this week than Kayla is, we’re working on it.
KAYLA: Listen, we’re not professionals, we’re just here.
SARAH: I know one thing about mics, and that’s it.
KAYLA: And I know zero, so –
SARAH: So we’re trying to figure it out, apologies as we figure that out. We don’t have a technical team –
KAYLA: It’s us.
SARAH: It’s us.
KAYLA: We’re the technical team.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: We are the technical team, so apologies on that front, but hopefully it does sound better and clearer.
KAYLA: I hope so, or else this was just a giant waste.
SARAH: We’ll be working on it, trying to figure out things to make sure that it sounds better in future episodes, but hopefully it at least sounds a little bit better now.
KAYLA: Woot woot.
SARAH: Nice. Kayla, what’s this week’s episode?
KAYLA: Okay, so this was Sarah’s idea and I believe this was one of those moments where Sarah was really procrastinating what she was supposed to be doing –
SARAH: Oh yeah, I was at work and I was supposed to not even be doing work, I was supposed to be doing school work, and –
KAYLA: She didn’t.
SARAH: I just got really carried away finding options for this episode.
KAYLA: Which, to be fair, I feel like some of our best ideas come from when Sarah’s procrastinating.
SARAH: Yeah, obviously.
KAYLA: Okay, so today, you know how sometimes songs in the lyrics will have questions?
SARAH: I do, Kayla.
KAYLA: We’re going to answer them today.
SARAH: That’s exciting.
KAYLA: It is.
SARAH: I came up with more than fifty songs –
KAYLA: Yeah, she really went in.
SARAH: So we’re not going to hit all of them today, so if you like this, we have an arsenal of songs to do in future.
KAYLA: We really do. This could be a whole other podcast, probably.
SARAH: It really could. Yeah, we’ve got a lot of questions, we’re going to try and answer them, and we’re going to see how it goes.
Kayla?
KAYLA: Yeah?
SARAH: What is love?
KAYLA: (sighs)
SARAH: It’s often followed up with baby don’t hurt me, but really, I think you should never be trying to hurt someone in love, you know?
KAYLA: No, that’s perhaps the opposite of love, when you’re trying – So perhaps if you’re saying “What is love, baby don’t hurt me”, are you even talking about love?
SARAH: Yeah, does the context of the question change when you add the “Baby don’t hurt me”? Maybe.
KAYLA: However though, love is a very intimate thing –
SARAH: Love is a many splendored thing.
KAYLA: So it’s very easy to be hurt by love.
SARAH: Oh, it is.
KAYLA: So it does make sense in a way that he’s saying “What is love?” and then saying you know, I know that it hurts sometimes, please don’t hurt me.
SARAH: But please don’t hurt me. I think maybe he’s, I guess this person, we don’t know who wrote the song –
KAYLA: I don’t either.
SARAH: But maybe this person is just reminding other people that you might hurt someone in love, so maybe you should try not to. Maybe love is just trying not to hurt someone.
KAYLA: Is that the answer? So I was going to say we’re getting a little carried away from answering the question, but is that –
SARAH: That might be the answer.
KAYLA: What is love? Love is trying not to hurt someone.
SARAH: Trying not to hurt someone, because you don’t want them to feel hurt.
KAYLA: But inevitably –
SARAH: Inevitably, you might –
KAYLA: You’re probably going to.
SARAH: (laughs) Wonderful.
KAYLA: Wow, there it is.
SARAH: Kayla, should we go in order here? Or, should we –
KAYLA: I think we should just go in order.
SARAH: We should go in order? Okay.
KAYLA: Just however your mind put them down there.
SARAH: Yeah. I'm just afraid that maybe some of the more well-known songs are at the beginning. But honestly, that's not even true. I really got carried away. I have – Guys, it's unreasonable.
KAYLA: It is.
SARAH: I have a good two pages of bullet pointed songs.
KAYLA: It's pretty bad.
SARAH: Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes?
SARAH: Do you believe in life after love?
KAYLA: Yes. I don't think – I have loved, and then not loved, you know? And I'm still here. I'm still alive.
SARAH: Yeah, you've made it.
KAYLA: Life does continue on.
SARAH: It does.
KAYLA: Perhaps it sucks for a bit, but there is a life after love, yes. Can confirm.
SARAH: Seems about right to me.
KAYLA: Have done it.
SARAH: Yeah. That's exciting. Should I stay or should I go?
KAYLA: Personally, my answer for you, always, is that you should go.
SARAH: I should. But this is also our podcast, and if I left right now, it would complicate things. I'm the one with the questions.
KAYLA: It would, however, I'm just speaking in general of our friendship, the four years we've known each other, more often than not my answer is going to be that you need to go.
SARAH: Okay. What about in a relationship? If you're in a relationship with someone, should you stay or should you go?
KAYLA: Are you happy?
SARAH: You've added another question into the mix.
KAYLA: I'm just saying, it's very dependent because it's asking, should I stay or should I go? Should I leave this relationship or not? But, is it a good one?
SARAH: A good question.
KAYLA: Because if it's good, perhaps you should stay. But if it's bad, you should probably go.
SARAH: Perhaps you should go. All right. Valid. Do you think I'm sexy?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Okay.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: Where is the love? This is a question I think we could ponder for a long time.
KAYLA: Physically, or –
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Spiritually.
SARAH: Maybe both.
KAYLA: Physically – I guess you can’t – Because I was going to stay in the heart, but that's just where your blood is.
SARAH: That's just where the blood is.
KAYLA: Hm. Where is the love?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Not in the Westboro Baptist Church, I can tell you that.
SARAH: Love is inside of us all along. (laughs)
KAYLA: Maybe that's the real treasure, is that the love is inside us all along.
SARAH: All along. The love, it could be anywhere. Love can be found anywhere. The question is, is there a difference between just ‘love’ and ‘the love’? Is there a difference there?
KAYLA: Could you define ‘the love’ for me?
SARAH: The difference between the two would be asking – Our first question is what is love, right? And this question is where is the love?
KAYLA: Oh, where is the love?
SARAH: Is it a different love?
KAYLA: It must be.
SARAH: Is love by itself just more all-encompassing, whereas the love is a specific love?
KAYLA: I think –
SARAH: I know people whose last name is Love. Are they talking about them?
KAYLA: Maybe, because –
SARAH: I don't know where they are.
KAYLA: Really? Because I think – No, I was thinking of a different person.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: No, there were people that I did gymnastics with a long time ago.
KAYLA: I don't know where they are.
SARAH: I don't know where they are either. I'm sorry that I can't help you.
KAYLA: I guess we really have no answer for this.
SARAH: I have no answer for you. I'm sorry. Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy?
KAYLA: It might be a simulation.
SARAH: It might. But another question, is there a difference between real life and the real life?
KAYLA: Wait, what is the question?
SARAH: Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?
KAYLA: See, I don't like this because this is assuming that there is only one real life, where in actuality –
SARAH: Come after Queen.
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: I would never. In actuality, every person is experiencing their own life. There is not just one objective life.
SARAH: I think maybe it's simultaneously real life and fantasy. I think both.
KAYLA: Because for me, my life is the real life, but my life is a fantasy to you, because you will never experience my ‘the life’.
SARAH: I think – My ‘the life’ (laughs) I think maybe the line isn't quite as a hard and fast as that, but I think you make a good point.
KAYLA: But I think we should probably sue Queen over it.
SARAH: Yeah. That's it. That's what we should do.
KAYLA: All right. See you next week.
SARAH: Freddie Mercury –
KAYLA: Freddie Mercury, consider yourself sued.
SARAH: Interesting that that could happen at this point in time. Are you experienced? I think that's a question you shouldn't ask someone in a sexual context.
KAYLA: No, don't. Well –
SARAH: If you're about to have sex with them, maybe.
KAYLA: If you're in a relationship where there is –
SARAH: Kayla? She turned away to cough, and then she coughed directly on a pillow that is mine.
(10:00)
KAYLA: That you don't use. It's just sitting there.
SARAH: I do use it sometimes.
KAYLA: Oh, sometimes.
SARAH: If I'm sitting on my bed, watching something on my bed, I bring the pillows over so I can lean.
KAYLA: I'll wipe it off. I wiped off the cough.
SARAH: That is not how that works.
KAYLA: I got it.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: What was the – Are you experienced? I think if you're in a trusting relationship, this is perhaps just another way to ask, have you ever had sex? Or, what is your sexual history?
SARAH: Yeah, but you definitely shouldn't ask this to a stranger.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: And in a different context, you should definitely ask it if you're doing a really dangerous science experiment with someone, and you’re like –
KAYLA: Super specific.
SARAH: And you're like, are you experienced in this topic? Because we're using some volatile ingredients.
KAYLA: Volatile. Or, if you're applying for a job and you're in an interview.
SARAH: Yeah, are you experienced?
KAYLA: And you're like, ma'am, are you experienced? Context matters.
SARAH: But also, if you're in a job interview and someone just says, “Are you experienced?"
KAYLA: You really could answer whatever way you want, because who knows what they're talking about.
SARAH: Exactly. I think the context with this question is that you need to add more context.
KAYLA: I agree.
SARAH: All right, cool. Kayla, who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?
KAYLA: (laughs) Who? I mean, I don't know.
SARAH: Here's the thing, if it were just actual dogs, I would be like, I don't know. They probably deserve to be able to roam free.
KAYLA: They probably should be let out. They probably have to pee.
SARAH: They probably have to pee. Although, the other day my dog really, really wanted to be let out.
KAYLA: But then you open the door, and then they just stand in the door and they don't want to be let out.
SARAH: Yes. But my mom was telling me about how she really wanted to get let out, but she couldn't get let out because – The real reason my dog wanted to go out was because there was, as we like to say in our house, the black and white kitties, the skunks, there was a skunk outside. And Sadie has been sprayed by a skunk before.
KAYLA: Of course, she has. Of course.
SARAH: So my mom said, no Sadie, you can't go outside. But now my mom thinks that my dog might have a UTI.
KAYLA: So specific. I guess we could answer, who didn't let the dog out?
SARAH: Julie.
KAYLA: And that's Julie, Sarah's mother.
SARAH: Also, sometimes Julie doesn't let the dog out when there are deer outside, because one time –
KAYLA: Or, squirrels.
SARAH: No, squirrels are fine because they're way faster than Sadie, and they'll just run away.
KAYLA: And Sadie's kind of stupid.
SARAH: Whereas deer will charge at Sadie, and they have before. And Sadie's stupid. (laughs)
KAYLA: Sadie's so dumb.
SARAH: She's so small. She's so stupid. She's on a line, it's not like she can chase them away.
KAYLA: No, she's very dumb.
SARAH: My dog literally charged at a deer. Oh, she's so stupid.
KAYLA: Idiot.
SARAH: (laughs) But also, she can't even see the deer half the time, because if it's not moving then she can't see it.
KAYLA: Why?
SARAH: If it's dark out.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: There've been times where there has been, straight up, a fucking buck in our yard, and Sadie has not noticed. And the buck has noticed her, but she just went on her merry way.
KAYLA: Have I told you a story about Jake, my boyfriend, and a deer?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: He was walking between places –
SARAH: Between places? As one does.
KAYLA: Yes. But up on our north campus, at university, which has many trees. He's walking through a small forest, and there was a deer. He was very scared of a deer.
SARAH: Why? Of a deer?
KAYLA: Because, allegedly, deer attack people.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: He sent me a video, so it does happen. Also, included in the video was deers having sex.
SARAH: What the fuck?
KAYLA: And I was like, why?
SARAH: Listen, I come from one of the most deer-populated cities in the state –
KAYLA: Deer do not attack people.
SARAH: And Michigan is one of the most deer-populated states in the country.
KAYLA: We have so many.
SARAH: Hence, according – What's that one math rule?
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Starts with a T.
KAYLA: Trans –
SARAH: Transitive property. Because of the transitive property, I therefore live in one of the most deer-issue cities in the country. And let me tell you, they don't fucking attack you.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: They just look at you and you're like, get out of my fucking yard, stop killing my plants. And they're like, huh? And you're like –
KAYLA: It's almost like you took over their land, and they have nowhere else to live, and they need to eat.
SARAH: Actually, with deer, that was a little bit the case. But then, deer have adapted to humans a lot. Which, good for them, but also, you know how many trees that deer have killed in my yard?
KAYLA: Yeah, they've killed a few for us.
SARAH: They've killed several of our trees. My dad had to build a six-foot fence around our garden. I don't like deer.
KAYLA: I know you don't. However, Jake was just like – He's listening right now, because he listens now.
SARAH: Jake, you're wrong. I see deer all the fucking time.
KAYLA: No, I have never been attacked. He was literally –
SARAH: He was afraid? Oh my God.
KAYLA: He was fearful.
SARAH: No, I just fricking walk, I just fricking walk.
KAYLA: I know. He was fearful, and I was like, you are so dumb.
SARAH: Oh yeah. No, my backyard has deer in it all the time. A lot of times if I'm driving home late at night, I'll see deer in people's yards.
KAYLA: There's always deer.
SARAH: Yeah. The biggest danger that deer are to you is when you're driving and they want to run across the road, but #DontVeerForDeer, because that is more dangerous. That's all. All right.
KAYLA: Well, we didn't answer that question at all.
SARAH: Who let the dogs out? Well, Julie, didn't let the dog out. The thing is, is this question is referring to women as dogs, and I don't like that.
KAYLA: Is that what it is?
SARAH: That is what it is, yeah.
KAYLA: I've never heard someone call a woman a dog. Oh, a bitch.
SARAH: Yeah. It's also because it's kind of derogatory.
KAYLA: Yeah. I don't like this. Next.
SARAH: I don't either. Is she really going out with him?
KAYLA: Who is she?
SARAH: I don't know, but Elvis Costello is concerned.
KAYLA: If Elvis Costello is concerned –
SARAH: I think it's Elvis Costello. I hope it's Elvis Costello, wait.
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: I did not make this list.
SARAH: I was wrong. It is Joe Jackson.
KAYLA: I don't even know who that is.
SARAH: Well, he is concerned, Kayla, if she is really going out with him.
KAYLA: If he's asking, then I would assume that yes, she is really going out with him.
SARAH: Probably.
KAYLA: Or else why would you ask?
SARAH: But should she be?
KAYLA: What's wrong with him?
SARAH: I don't know. Maybe he's a bad influence? Maybe he's a bad person? Maybe he's manipulative? Joe Jackson is concerned.
KAYLA: Is he a veritable source?
SARAH: I don't know. Maybe he's just jealous?
KAYLA: Ooh. There's a lot to unpack here.
SARAH: There's a lot to unpack.
KAYLA: Because on the one hand, maybe the guy is the worst. On the other hand, maybe Joe Jackson is the worst.
SARAH: Maybe Joe Jackson is the worst. I don't know.
KAYLA: Maybe the girl is the worst.
SARAH: Maybe everyone's the worst.
KAYLA: Yeah. I really can't answer this.
SARAH: There's a lot going on. Isn't she lovely?
KAYLA: Who is she?
SARAH: A baby, I think.
KAYLA: Really? This song's about a baby?
SARAH: There are literally baby noises in the song. It's about a baby being born. The baby's born, and he's like, oh my God, isn't she lovely?
KAYLA: I have not listened to this song in a very long time.
SARAH: Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Something, something, something, less than one minute old. Those are the lyrics.
KAYLA: Oh, I did not know that's what he was saying. I could never tell what he was saying.
SARAH: Yeah. Oh, no. It's isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she pretty? Or, precious? I could never tell what he –
KAYLA: Precious.
SARAH: Isn't she precious, less than one minute old? Those are the lyrics. And those are all questions, so we can answer them.
KAYLA: Okay. If it's about a newborn baby that is less than a minute old, if it is someone else's slimy newborn? No.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: If it is mine? Probably.
SARAH: For me, the answer is no to all. I'm sure they'll be lovely at some point, but not right now, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: They're slimy, and weird, and gross.
KAYLA: Yeah, we know your thoughts.
SARAH: Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice?
KAYLA: Probably.
SARAH: Yeah, okay. Why can't we be friends?
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: This could take the rest of the podcast.
SARAH: It really could.
KAYLA: Why can't we be friends? Because we're best friends.
SARAH: That is not an acceptable answer.
KAYLA: Okay, what's your answer then?
SARAH: We can't be friends because you're weird.
KAYLA: Okay. If I'm weird, what are you?
SARAH: Cool.
KAYLA: (laughs) That's so not true.
SARAH: What's love got to do with it?
KAYLA: What is it, though?
SARAH: I don't know. And this is just love, not the love.
KAYLA: Okay, so this is the bigger one.
SARAH: The big kahuna, as they say.
KAYLA: No, they don't. They don't say that.
SARAH: Love is the big kahuna.
KAYLA: I have never hated you – Yeah, this is the person that's cool, everyone. That's her.
SARAH: I'm funny.
KAYLA: What's love got to do with it?
SARAH: To me, if we're talking about romantic love, not that much.
KAYLA: Nothing.
SARAH: I think it depends on the situation. To me, just in general, romantic love doesn't have much to do with it. But I think in general, in people's lives, love has a lot to do with it. If we're just talking about platonic love.
KAYLA: Yeah, if you're talking about any kind of love, it probably always has to do with it.
SARAH: It probably always has to do with it.
KAYLA: If it's romantic love, I think it has a lot less to do with it than everyone thinks.
SARAH: If love is never having to do with it, I think you need to reconsider your life.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Alright. Am I wrong?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Okay. These are two alternate versions of basically the same question, found in multiple songs. Do you want to dance? Alternatively, can we dance?
(20:00)
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: You don't want to – Physically, we probably could.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't want to, but I can. But I do not want to.
SARAH: Okay, so they are two different questions.
KAYLA: They are. One is about your ability.
SARAH: Guys, we just realized.
KAYLA: A shocking revelation.
SARAH: What is love? Not only does it follow up with baby don't hurt me, it's baby don't hurt me no more.
KAYLA: She –
SARAH: I think you need to get out of that relationship.
KAYLA: They already have hurt him. Get out.
SARAH: Get out. All right. Anyway, why did it have to be me?
KAYLA: Hmm. If we're talking about you, it probably had to be you because you didn't take my advice.
SARAH: Oh, interesting.
KAYLA: And it probably wouldn't have been you, had you listened to me.
SARAH: Okay. In the context of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, I would say it had to be him because –
KAYLA: He was there.
SARAH: He was there, and he's a bit of a playboy.
KAYLA: And he had a boat.
SARAH: And he had a boat.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Kayla, who's your daddy?
KAYLA: His name is Kevin.
SARAH: Okay. My dad's name is Jack.
KAYLA: But, if we're saying daddy, if you follow me on Twitter you will know this is a discussion I've had with multiple people, just yesterday. That the only person that we, as a society, can acceptably call daddy is Jeff Goldblum.
SARAH: Big move.
KAYLA: He is the only daddy.
SARAH: Kayla quoted me on her Twitter last night.
KAYLA: I did.
SARAH: Anyway, yeah, Jeff Goldblum –
KAYLA: Jeff Goldblum is my daddy.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay, cool.
KAYLA: I hate it.
SARAH: What comes next?
KAYLA: It's 10:15, so 10:16 will come next.
SARAH: Okay. For me, what comes next is I have to go to a meeting with my advisor after this.
KAYLA: I have class.
SARAH: I also have to finish my homework.
KAYLA: I have to eat first.
SARAH: I have a lot of things to do.
KAYLA: Yeah, and then editing this for the podcast.
SARAH: No, I have class, and then go to the thing, and then I have to go to the Quidditch thing, and then I have to edit it, and then we're playing Wii, and then we're going to a party.
KAYLA: Yeah, but if we're talking about just in the world of the podcast, what comes next after recording is editing.
SARAH: Is I edit, yeah. Okay. Where do –
KAYLA: We have a busy day.
SARAH: We do. Where do you belong?
KAYLA: In context of the house? I belong in my room, that is mine. In context of life?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I'm still figuring that out.
SARAH: Help. Yeah, I don't – Good – Ahh – Sorry, I just –
KAYLA: (laughs) Can you please keep that in?
SARAH: Listen, sometimes we got to test the mics to make sure they're doing the right thing. (laughs) I don't know where I belong and that's the problem. Hire me.
KAYLA: Oh my God, I applied for a job on a whim yesterday, because it was just there. And I was like, wait, what am I becoming?
SARAH: Yeah. No, I'm just constantly entering a state of panic about what we're doing when we graduate because I don't know what I belong.
KAYLA: If anyone is listening to this, that would like to hire us –
SARAH: Hey, if you work in a writer's room on a TV show, get me in there.
KAYLA: Not same.
SARAH: Good. Okay. What's my age again?
KAYLA: You're 20.
SARAH: Okay. And you're 21?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: You're like 21 and a half, basically. Almost. Right?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I'm very nearly 21.
KAYLA: You're very close, yeah.
SARAH: Cool. What do I know?
KAYLA: Nothing.
SARAH: Yeah, that's probably true. Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Do they know it's Christmas?
KAYLA: I hate that song.
SARAH: Same.
KAYLA: (laughs) I hate that song.
SARAH: Here's the thing, it's such a fucking bop, but here's the thing. I would say about 50% of them, at least 50% of them, know it's Christmas, because about 50% of the people on the continent of Africa are Christian.
KAYLA: So, they probably know.
SARAH: And so they probably know that it's Christmas. The rest of them – It's not exactly 50/50, and there are definitely a lot of other religions, and indigenous religions, and that sort of thing, but if you're talking about major world religions, about half of them are Muslim. Maybe they know it’s Christmas, but maybe they don't, and maybe they don't care.
KAYLA: Yeah, does it matter? Here's the question I pose. Does it matter if they know it's Christmas?
SARAH: No. It doesn't matter if they know it's Christmas.
KAYLA: Yep. I agree.
SARAH: Yeah, and there is rain sometimes on the entire continent of Africa.
KAYLA: There is. But we bless them.
SARAH: We do bless the rains down in Africa.
KAYLA: We bless the rains down in Africa.
SARAH: But we bless the rains everywhere, except when they're hurricanes.
KAYLA: Or, acid rain.
SARAH: Yeah. Or, if it's causing big floods or something.
KAYLA: Yeah. I hope if you're in part of the United States that is having –
SARAH: Hurricanes.
KAYLA: Some weather right now.
SARAH: Yeah. I'd also like to apologize to the territory of Puerto Rico, again, for the things that have been being said about you by our president.
KAYLA: We love you.
SARAH: We do love you.
KAYLA: And we are inarguably more important than the president.
SARAH: You know, we know someone who's from Puerto Rico now.
KAYLA: We do, that's exciting.
SARAH: Yeah, it's really exciting.
KAYLA: That's also very sad for them.
SARAH: Yeah, I know. Yeah, sorry, Puerto Rico. I'm rooting for you. I want good things for you. Sorry about the president.
KAYLA: Mood. Anyway.
SARAH: Do you want to build a snowman?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Oh, but it's September, though.
KAYLA: Yeah, but if there was – Okay, here's how I would like to build this snowman. There is just, in our back yard thing – Basically, we have a driveway in our back. In the back driveway, if there was just a pile of snow, but it was still nice out, but the snow is fine, I would build that snowman.
SARAH: How do you define nice out?
KAYLA: What it is – You know, like a 70.
SARAH: That doesn't work.
KAYLA: I know. I'm just saying this is my ideal –
SARAH: This is my like on TV shows or movies where they aren't shooting on location, and so they use fake snow.
KAYLA: Oh yeah, if we had some fake snow.
SARAH: It's like people who are from places who don't have snow, probably think that that looks like snow. But if you're from a place that has snow, you know that that's not what fucking snow looks like.
KAYLA: I would build a fake snowman, though.
SARAH: Okay. Although, there are lots of different kinds of fake snow. Some look more like real snow, but some of them it looks like pebbles. And it's like, that's not how snow works.
KAYLA: That's fake hail.
SARAH: That is not how snow operates. What's wrong with me?
KAYLA: Oh my God. Okay. Wow, I've been wanting to tell you this for so long.
SARAH: You don't seem to have an answer prepared.
KAYLA: And now I'm just – You don't listen to my advice.
SARAH: You already mentioned that.
KAYLA: You don't sleep well. You eat toaster waffles frozen. You eat sandwiches by taking them apart and eating them level by level.
SARAH: Here's the thing, though –
KAYLA: You don't like your pizza with sauce.
SARAH: Kayla. Kayla, they don't know that yet.
KAYLA: Now they do.
SARAH: In an upcoming episode, you'll be hearing about Kayla's beef with that.
KAYLA: Why? We're doing an episode all about your eating?
SARAH: No, but you talk about it in the episode where we have Aaron on, and that episode's not out yet.
KAYLA: Well, sneak preview.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: That's all. For now. I'm sure I'll think of more later.
SARAH: Okay. Kayla, do you hear the people sing?
KAYLA: Yesterday, I did because we live across from a church, and they were having church last night, and it was creepy because I could hear them singing across the street and through the window. It a little bit sounded like a horror film. Currently though, no, I cannot. But last night, I did.
SARAH: Okay. I feel like I hear people singing pretty often and sometimes it's good, and sometimes my ears are bleeding.
KAYLA: Jake, if you're listening, whenever I hear you sing my ears bleed. You're very bad. I love you, but you're very bad.
SARAH: Okay. Who am I?
KAYLA: Sarah Elizabeth Costello.
SARAH: I'm Jean Valjean.
KAYLA: I think you're Sarah Elizabeth Costello.
SARAH: Interesting. I can't believe you would tell the whole world that.
KAYLA: You have a basic middle name?
SARAH: That I have a basic middle name.
KAYLA: It's okay, I have a really basic one too. It's okay.
SARAH: Her middle name is fucking Marie.
KAYLA: Like everyone our age. I hate it. Kill me.
SARAH: Now everyone just knows my name, and they can stalk me.
KAYLA: We let them stalk us.
SARAH: That's true. Are you happy now?
KAYLA: Right now?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I'm doing all right. I'm doing pretty good.
SARAH: Okay. Are you alright, though?
KAYLA: I'm pretty hungry, so I don't know if I'm alright, because I could definitely eat, you know?
SARAH: Yeah. I feel like, are you happy now is more all-encompassing. Whereas all right is like in this moment, are you alright?
KAYLA: Overall I'm quite happy. Am I alright right now? No, I'd like some food.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay. Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?
KAYLA: Well, you've never been beautiful.
SARAH: And I will always be younger than you.
KAYLA: Yeah, so –
SARAH: Not applicable. (laughs)
KAYLA: I guess, I mean, this question is – I can't answer it.
SARAH: Oh man. I saw a post on the internet the other day that was one of those alignment charts. It was an alignment chart for the men of Star Wars, but it was about their beauty and it was like – What were the categories? It was hot, pretty, and cute. And then it was lawful, chaotic, and neutral. Kayla and I were discussing it, we were trying to decide where we fell.
(30:00)
KAYLA: What were we?
SARAH: I said I was chaotic cute. You said I was either chaotic cute or chaotic pretty, which means that you don't think I'm ugly.
KAYLA: I was just being nice that day, because there was no option for ugly.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Chaotic ugly, that's me.
SARAH: And then I said that you were –
KAYLA: I think you said I was lawful cute.
SARAH: Yeah, I said you were lawful cute. And then you were mad because you said that – Because Poe was listed as lawful pretty, and you said, no.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's not true.
SARAH: And I was like, what do you mean? Of course, he's lawful pretty. And you go, no, being that pretty should be illegal.
KAYLA: Am I wrong?
SARAH: No. And we already answered that question, didn't we? We already answered that question.
KAYLA: What question?
SARAH: Am I wrong?
KAYLA: Oh, the answer was yes at that point, though.
SARAH: But now –
KAYLA: Context matters, kids.
SARAH: Context. How will I know if he really loves me?
KAYLA: You could probably ask.
SARAH: Okay, but what if he – People lie.
KAYLA: Facial expression.
SARAH: Body language. You're going to have to kind of read the body language.
KAYLA: Body language.
SARAH: Yeah, okay. Let's see. Kayla, where do broken hearts go? What do they do with a heart if it doesn't work anymore?
KAYLA: Probably just throw it away.
SARAH: They just throw it away.
KAYLA: In the trash can that's for – You know the trash can they have that's for needles? The sanitized one. They probably put it in that one. I could ask my sister, she's a nurse. She works on the heart floor. I'm going to text Rachel.
SARAH: Okay. I heard a story yesterday about a situation where someone was getting a kidney transplant, and one of their family members decided that they were going to give their kidney. They were doing the operation and they took out the good kidney, and then they went to go prep – They put it on ice, and stuff.
KAYLA: That's so nasty.
SARAH: And then they went to go prep the kidney recipient, and then they came back and the good kidney was gone.
KAYLA: Someone took the good kidney?
SARAH: One of the nurses made a mistake, and she thought the good kidney was the bad kidney.
KAYLA: Why would you put a bad kidney on ice?
SARAH: I don't know. Also, why would you just – I feel like you should maybe check with someone, to make sure.
KAYLA: What did they do?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Did they find another kidney?
SARAH: That's all the story that I know.
KAYLA: Oh my God. That's horrific.
SARAH: Maybe –
KAYLA: Oh, my sister is texting back. Hold on.
SARAH: It's possible that the kidney was still salvageable, but.
KAYLA: After it was in the trash, they said like, wash it off a little bit. Blow on it.
SARAH: Put some soap.
KAYLA: You just blow on it, like when you drop your food on the ground.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Blow on it, then you eat it. It's fine.
SARAH: Put it in some rice.
KAYLA: My sister is guessing that these hearts that don't work would go to research, or the medical school.
SARAH: That makes sense. But what happens when they end with them there? Do they just chuck them in the garbage with the –
KAYLA: I will ask. My sister said – I asked what you do when you're just done with them, do you trash them? And she said, yeah.
SARAH: Okay. All right, so they get trashed. That's what we know now.
KAYLA: That's where the broken hearts go, y'all. They go in the trash.
SARAH: They go in the trash. Kayla, what's my name?
KAYLA: We just did this. You're Sarah Elizabeth Costello.
SARAH: No, we didn't. It was, who am I? Very different questions.
KAYLA: Oh, I suppose that is because what's your name is just your name, but who you are is –
SARAH: A lot more than that.
KAYLA: Your essence.
SARAH: My ass-ence?
KAYLA: You don't have an ass. How could you have an ass-ence when you have no ass?
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: Kayla, how deep is your love?
KAYLA: For popcorn? Quite deep.
SARAH: Four feet? Five feet? Could you dive in?
KAYLA: For popcorn?
SARAH: Would it be safe to dive in?
KAYLA: For my love for popcorn?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yes. You know how we haven't explored the bottom of the ocean because it's so deep?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It's like that for popcorn.
SARAH: Wow, it's really dark down there.
KAYLA: Yeah, but it's filled with popcorn. I imagine that instead of water –
SARAH: That would disintegrate. It would disintegrate?
KAYLA: Instead of water, it is just popcorn that I'm diving into.
SARAH: So, you already have an answer prepared for the first day of Quidditch practice?
KAYLA: Yeah, is that what we ask still?
SARAH: Yeah. The question that we ask on the first day of Quidditch practice is, if you could dive into a pool of anything that wasn't water, what would it be?
KAYLA: Do you know another good question I like asking people?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Is if you were a vending machine, what would you vend?
SARAH: What would you vend.
KAYLA: I like that.
SARAH: That's not a song question, however. Stop looking at your phone, you ho.
KAYLA: It's about the heart, still.
SARAH: Is it helpful?
KAYLA: Oh, okay. My sister's saying, if you donate your whole body to science, then when they're done with it, they have a memorial service at the end, and they either cremate you or give it back to the family, and they have a cemetery by the medical place where they lay them to rest. So, I guess it depends. You could go in the trash –
SARAH: You could go in the trash.
KAYLA: You could be cremated, or nicely buried.
SARAH: Or, you could be buried, and you could just decay, like everything else.
KAYLA: Wow, okay.
SARAH: Okay. Kayla, what you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?
KAYLA: This is a question I ask a lot, because recently the reason my pants haven't been fitting is because of my butt. My sister just goes – Oh, damn it, sorry. My sister just goes, hi, and I thought she was sarcastically being like, oh, hello to you, too. But then she just meant, yup. Anyway, in regards to my junk, I don't know, because it gets in my way.
SARAH: Hmm. Interesting. I just had a really weird thought, because if we're talking about butts, what is the difference in butt size between our butts? Because you earlier said that I have no butt, but then you said that you have a butt, but we're the same height, but we're just different body types. Is there really that much of a difference in our butt size?
KAYLA: Between our butts? Yeah, I think I have a bigger butt than you.
SARAH: Probably a little bit, but is it really that much? Or, does it just look more because we have different body types?
KAYLA: That's a fair question. I wish that they could have – You know how we have boob sizes for your bra. Butt size, like a cup size for your butt.
SARAH: Yeah. You'd probably just have to take kind of a ratio between your hip size and your butt size.
KAYLA: We do have difference body types, but I do have bigger hips than you do.
SARAH: You do.
KAYLA: Wouldn't that make my butt look smaller? Because the ratio from butt to hip –
SARAH: But it also gives you more opportunity to have more butt.
KAYLA: Well, that's not my fault.
SARAH: I know. Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Do we have an answer for that? We're going to measure it? Is what we're going to do?
KAYLA: Yeah, we're going to measure it.
SARAH: I have one more question for you.
KAYLA: Wow, okay.
SARAH: Before we have to cut ourselves off for the day. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? Um, yeah. A boy and a girl can be friends, they can be siblings, they can be cousins. They can just have a really parental-child relationship.
KAYLA: They should have never met.
SARAH: They could have never met.
KAYLA: Yeah. It could be a lot more obvious.
SARAH: There could really be a lot going on here.
KAYLA: Really could make it more obvious.
SARAH: If we want to move on in the song, we could say he was a punk, she did ballet, what more can I say? But, honestly, you could say a lot more.
KAYLA: You could say a lot more.
SARAH: I understand that you're trying to make an implication here, but I think you're being a little bit vague about it.
KAYLA: It's like, dude.
SARAH: Avril, come on. Get it together. What's the next line after that?
KAYLA: She was a –
SARAH: Oh, I don't think there are any more questions after that.
KAYLA: (sings under breath) What can I say? Dum dum dum dum.
SARAH: Yeah, there aren't any more questions after that. Yeah. I think, Avril, you need to maybe stop being so heteronormative –
KAYLA: Wow. Okay, cool.
SARAH: Actually, these days, I'm not sure that Avril is that realized that heteronormative. I feel like –
KAYLA: These days it's a conspiracy about whether Avril is even alive.
SARAH: They think she's dead, yeah. They think that there's a fake Avril.
KAYLA: I love that conspiracy theory. It's so funny.
SARAH: (laughs) It's wild. But yeah, Avril, really, you could definitely make it a lot more obvious. If you're trying to imply romantic interest, then you really should just say it outright. Just because it's a boy and a girl, and just because they're polar opposites, does not mean that they're into each other, you know? They were, but you know.
That's all the questions we have for today.
KAYLA: Those were good. I had a good time.
SARAH: Same. Yeah. We also have about – I don't know exactly how many we did today, but –
KAYLA: We have a lot.
SARAH: We have a lot more, so if you like that we can do that again. Also, I only wrote down the questions. I didn't write down the songs, and I know pretty much all songs, but if there's anyone out there who wants to figure out where all of these questions came from? I don't think anyone's going to, but that would be funny, if someone just turned in a list.
KAYLA: And make a playlist.
SARAH: And make a – Oh my God.
KAYLA: Okay. Someone has to do with this now. I know it'll take a while, but it's fine, and it'll be fun.
SARAH: If you can't get some of them, we can help you. If not, maybe someday I'll do it, but not right now.
KAYLA: No, we have a busy day.
SARAH: We got a busy day. Yeah. What's our poll?
(40:00)
KAYLA: Were any of these questions yes or no?
SARAH: Maybe one or two of them.
KAYLA: Okay. How about how deep is your love?
SARAH: How deep is your love?
KAYLA: One to two feet?
SARAH: Three to five?
KAYLA: Five to ten?
SARAH: Five to ten. So, you can dive, but five feet you can dive carefully.
KAYLA: Yeah. That's like if I dove feet first, I would just land on my feet.
SARAH: Donk. And then ten or more.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. For those of you who don't speak in feet, sorry.
KAYLA: They just make more sense.
SARAH: They don't, but they do.
KAYLA: But to me.
SARAH: They don't, but because we've been using them our entire lives, they do.
KAYLA: They make a lot of sense.
SARAH: Hey, a lot of people, they do measure people's height in feet. In real Europe, they use meters.
KAYLA: Real Europe?
SARAH: That means nothing to me. But in like the UK and stuff, they do it in feet. It's always people from the UK who are coming after us for using US, Imperial, measurements.
KAYLA: But they're the ones that are tainted.
SARAH: They're the ones that are tainted. They fucking do shit in feet.
KAYLA: If you're from the UK, and I know some of you are, come at me with your meters.
SARAH: Come at me, bro. Also, it's not like we invented feet.
KAYLA: I didn't mean it.
SARAH: I'm pretty sure it came from y'all. I'm pretty sure it came from the Brits.
KAYLA: We just kept it. We're just respecting what you have invented. You're welcome.
SARAH: Yeah. We left you, but we wanted to keep you in our hearts.
KAYLA: Yikes.
SARAH: Because we didn't want to have to throw our broken hearts away.
KAYLA: Yeah. Because who knows where they would go, there's so many options.
SARAH: Who knows? So yeah, how deep is your love? One to two? Two to four? Five to ten? Ten or more? The unit is feet, but you know.
KAYLA: It's fine.
SARAH: Kayla, what's your beef of the week?
KAYLA: Oh, shoot.
SARAH: I remember I thought of something the other day, and then I was going to write it down, and then I didn't. So, I don't remember anymore.
KAYLA: I feel like I definitely had one, too.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: My beef of the week is that my weeks, this year, are very front-loaded. I have a lot of homework due Monday and Tuesday, which is stressful. And then I get to Thursday/Friday, and I'm just sitting there because I have nothing to do, which is nice. But then I'm looking at my to-do list for Monday and Tuesday the next week, and I'm like, I have so much to do, but I can't do it now because then I'll forget what I've done.
SARAH: Oh, wow. That's the opposite problem as to what I have.
KAYLA: Well, because I can't do my reading for Monday on Thursday night, or I'll forget what I read and I'll look stupid in class.
SARAH: I just – Very different problems. This wasn't going to be my beef of the week, but I guess my beef of the week can be that – So, I'm taking five classes, but three of them are big block classes that I only have once a week, which means that I have a lot of homework for them, but it's only due once. I don't have homework due more than once a week. Well, for some of them, I have to turn the papers, or whatever. And so it seems far away, until it's not.
When it's far away, I'm like, oh, I have plenty of time, and then I'm not motivated to do it, and then suddenly it's now. And then I struggle. Also, my beef of the week I was actually going to give is when you don't have time to eat. Like when you have so many things just lined up, that you don't have time to eat, because that's me today.
KAYLA: I'm still hungry.
SARAH: Alright, so if you want to find that poll, or you want to tell us about your beef of the week, you can find us on soundsfake – No. Well, yeah, but you can find us on Twitter @soundsfakepod, you can also email soundsfakepod@gmail.com if you want to hit us up with a list of all of the songs that we just provided for you. We also have a Tumblr at soundsfakepod.tumblr.com.
If you did like this, do let us know, because we enjoyed it, and so we would like to do it again, if you would. I mean, even if you hated it, we still might do it again. We do have a list of more questions to ask, but if you have any questions that you’d like us to answer, questions posed by songs that we didn’t mention in this episode, do feel free to hit us up and let us know and we’ll see if it’s on the list or if it should be added.
It’s shameless self-promo o’clock –
KAYLA: Oh, my favorite time.
SARAH: Me and Kayla also have internets.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: You can find me on Twitter and Instagram @costiellie.
KAYLA: You can find me @kayla_kas.
SARAH: You can also find this pod on Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod, if you want to give us your money.
Our $2 patrons are Sara Jones and Keith McBlaine, our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero.
And our $10 patrons are Emma Fink, you can find her on YouTube by looking up Emma T Fink, and Tristan Call who’d like to promote the DeviantArt and Tumblr page @rationallyparanoid.
Thanks for listening, I hope we answered some of your really burning questions. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears, hopefully with the audio a little bit figured out.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.