Ep 296: Am I The Asshole pt. 9
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl. I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl. That's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, is it I who am the asshole?
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: I'll be honest with you all. Earlier, I texted Sarah my customary Wednesday. What? Which means, what the fuck are we talking about today?
SARAH: Occasionally, I get it. And I… Well, because there is no context. There's never any.
KAYLA: There’s never context
SARAH: It's just the word, “what?”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And sometimes I get it and I think it's about… and I'm like, I'm like, what did I do? And then I'm like, Oh, no
KAYLA: That's Wednesday. And Sarah said, cry, which is a common answer to that question. And I said, Is it time for our monthly AITA? And Sarah said it might be. And then we didn't discuss it any further. And then we got on the phone and we continued to not discuss it. And then we started recording. And I said, well…
SARAH: Yeah, I just assumed that's what we were doing.
KAYLA: This must be what's happening. There's no other indication that it would be something else. So, we just must forge on, I fear.
SARAH: So here we are. And we must what?
KAYLA: Forge on.
SARAH: I thought you said for John.
KAYLA: For John. You know?
SARAH: And I was like… I was like, why are we doing this for John?
KAYLA: I mean, he needs this.
SARAH: Which John?
SARAH: So, you don't know which John. Maybe all the Johns.
KAYLA: Probably not all of them. There has to be some bad ones out there.
SARAH: Yeah. Just the ones that we like.
KAYLA: Just the ones who are listening.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Unless you're listening because you're a hater.
KAYLA: Don’t do it. Well, you could continue to do that because that's good for the numbers. I just don't want to hear about it.
SARAH: It's just not for… it's this for John is just not for you.
KAYLA: But you can keep listening silently.
SARAH: Sure. I mean, you can be loud in your physical space.
KAYLA: Just not in a way that should reach me.
SARAH: Yeah, exactly. Do you have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: I have a house to keep.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I was bored earlier as unemployed people sometimes are
SARAH: Your unemployed friend on a Tuesday at 10am.
KAYLA: Exactly. And so, we have our bookshop.org like storefront thing where you can go and you can buy books and that money supports indie bookstores. And also, if you buy it through our storefront supports us monetarily. And so, we have books up there.
SARAH: Also, emotionally.
KAYLA: Emotionally. That's true. We have books there that we wrote. We have books there that our guests wrote.
SARAH: We have a book there that we wrote. We have book and forward that we wrote.
KAYLA: We have book and forward that we wrote. We have books our guests wrote. We have books I have talked about on the podcast. And now we have a list of I think over 60 books that I have sourced from the Internet of books with canon ace-spec and aro-spec characters.
SARAH: I love it.
KAYLA: So now when you're like, which books have those? It's there. There are like major published books. There's like self-published books. I tried to do my best to make sure they were canon.
SARAH: Mm hmm.
KAYLA: But I can't read them all. And I'm just having to trust the people who submitted books to what the Instagram poll I made and also the articles I read. So, apologies if some of them are just heavily implied and head canons. But I did my best.
SARAH: Kayla did her best.
KAYLA: And also…
SARAH: And you should all applaud that
KAYLA: And you should applaud that and you should go to the link, which I'll put in the description of this episode. And you should look at the books and you should buy some of the books to support people who write about aspec people and also support us. And if there's a book on there… No, if there's a book not on there that you think should be on there, let a bitch know and I'll put it on there because I have the time to do so at the moment. And I hope soon I will no longer have the time to do so. So, you have to do it quickly now while I have the time.
SARAH: Yes. Perfect.
KAYLA: Thank you and good night.
SARAH: All right. Not good night yet. It's time for a pod.
KAYLA: Soon. It is eleven 11:24 P.M. E.S.T.
SARAH: Um, Kayla, what are we talking about?
KAYLA: AITA
SARAH: AITA
KAYLA: AITA
SARAH: Shall we just dive in? I'm just going to tell you from the jump that because we really didn't discuss this at all, I have not like gone through my AITAs. So I have my saved AITAs, but there's going to be no theme.
KAYLA: Unless we find one along the way.
SARAH: Unless we find one along the way, just like the friends we made. But it's just going to be things, whatever I have saved in this note on my phone.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: This first one is actually not an AITA.
KAYLA: Perfect way to start, I think.
SARAH: But it's for once it's wholesome.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: So, I think it's a nice place to start.
KAYLA: Rare.
SARAH: Yes. It begins: I know my fiancé’s secret.
KAYLA: Oh, brother.
SARAH: Throw away because she's got mine. I) (19 male) work a pretty hardcore job. Lots of stress.
KAYLA: Fianceed at 19?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Slow down partner.
SARAH: Slow down. But also, it seems healthy and fine.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: You do you.
KAYLA: Whatever. I guess.
SARAH: Hardcore job, lots of stress, and more than a decent amount of danger falling off of buildings on a weekly basis. Not that they are falling off of buildings, but that they could fall off buildings on a weekly basis.
KAYLA: I assume so, thank you.
SARAH: I wake up very early to my lunch made by my fiancé (19 F), go to the job site and work till about 3. It seems like this person is in construction. Get home and usually just want to melt into the couch or play video games. I recently started picking up streaming on Twitch with some of my buddies. Not for money or anything, I don't have enough followers for that. I just like the feeling that people are hearing me and I'm real or something lol. I started noticing that every single time I stream there's one consistent viewer from the moment I start to the moment I end. And I realized recently that it's her. I like to think she doesn't tell me because she wants to be my secret supporter or something, but I know her secret and God damn it, it melts my heart always. I'd have zero viewers on a daily basis if it weren't for her and I love it so much that she's always going to be there to support me through anything. I can't express enough just how much I love this woman and how I can't wait to marry her. She's my biggest fan.
KAYLA: That's so sweet.
SARAH: And then in the comments people were like oh my god I saw a Reddit post about a girl confessing to doing this for her boyfriend and someone was like I'm really hoping that it's each other.
KAYLA: I'm just going to say it is.
SARAH: Yeah. And someone was like that's awesome how did you find out it was her? And he said one time I took a break from the game to just flirt with her for a while. So, I paused my stream. She went to the bathroom about 20 minutes later and I heard the sound of the bathroom door closing on her phone. Our bathroom is in our room. So, I looked at her phone and my stream was right there.
KAYLA: Aww. I love how I paused my game just to flirt with her for a while. It's so cute. It's so sweet.
SARAH: So, you know.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: It's wholesome.
KAYLA: No one is the asshole.
SARAH: No one's the asshole. No one at all. Except anyone who's pushing this man off a building.
KAYLA: You can't be doing that.
SARAH: Alright. When I save them to this note I usually write like…
KAYLA: Context?
SARAH: A two-to-six-word description of what it is. But they're not actually helpful.
KAYLA: Of course they're not. It's you who's writing them respectfully.
SARAH: This one just is horrible men.
KAYLA: Well, I mean.
SARAH: Oh, actually. We're going to do these another time because they're long and I don't feel like reading them.
KAYLA: Okay. Too long, didn't read. Sorry, that happened. We're happy for you.
SARAH: This one I described as plastic foods. Okay. This is also not actually an AITA. It's in r/relationships. Boyfriend (28 M) keeps sneaking plastic food onto my (25 F) plate.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: So, we've been together 14 months and he's a great partner overall. He has a stable, respectable career that he enjoys. He's a nutritionist. He's very caring in most ways and we have similar goals for our lives. But he's got an odd sense of humor sometimes. Especially about one particular thing. He has access to a seemingly unlimited supply of plastic foods. Probably because he's a nutritionist.
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: And he keeps sneaking them onto my plate at meals. I saw the humor in it the first time. Using a scoop of cottage cheese replaced my real cottage cheese at breakfast. But I've lost count of the number of times he's played this prank on me. There have been plastic turkey slices on a sandwich. A plastic chicken tender coated in buffalo sauce at a restaurant. Even a plastic deviled egg swap at my friend's wedding. But I think the one that irritated…
KAYLA: Ah, okay. That's very good.
SARAH: But I think the one that irritated me the most was when he wrapped a real banana skin around a plastic banana. And put it back in with the rest of the bunch on my counter. He says he just means it as a little joke when I've asked him to stop. But I'm getting paranoid when I eat with him.
KAYLA: Why would you ask him to stop?
SARAH: What if he takes it too far and I choke on a fake cheese cube? The weirdest thing is I don't know where he gets these as I've seen his bank statements and there's no indicator he's paying for them himself.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: Oh my god. Here's what I want for the future of these people. They have a long and happy relationship. They get engaged. They get married. They go to cut into the wedding cake. What's that? Plastic wedding cake.
SARAH: I mean, that's too easy. You know? It's got to be like a long con. It's got to be like your promise at marriage is that you'll stop.
KAYLA: That you’ll stop
SARAH: And then on your 50th wedding anniversary.
KAYLA: Oh my. Well, you know what would be good? You know how you're supposed to put a slice of the cake in the freezer for your first anniversary?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You take part of the slice of cake and just make part of the slice of cake plastic. So, she starts eating it and she's like, thank God it's not plastic.
SARAH: Thank God it's not plastic.
KAYLA: And then her fork goes to get another bite and what's that? Plastic.
SARAH: I like how dedicated this guy is.
KAYLA: I love him.
SARAH: He's not just putting food on her plate or in the fridge.
KAYLA: No, no
SARAH: He's putting it in sandwiches.
KAYLA: He's taking it to the restaurant.
SARAH: He's taking a banana peel… He's taking it to the restaurant and covering it in sauce.
KAYLA: He's taking it to the wedding. He's taking it to the friend's wedding. He said, I know this wedding will have devil eggs. That means he had to have either been like, I'll just bring an egg and I'll make it somewhere. Or he checked with the couple and was like, what foods are you serving? Oh, deviled eggs you say? Bet.
SARAH: Deviled eggs at a wedding is a choice.
KAYLA: I like deviled eggs and I don't care who knows it.
SARAH: You're wrong for that.
KAYLA: I'm so sorry.
SARAH: There are a couple of replies on this. Concept: He's a wizard trying to enchant the food, but he's not a skilled wizard. And then someone else said she should start replacing his personal items with realistic cakes.
KAYLA: That would be good. I think he is the perfect man.
SARAH: Yeah. And then someone is like, skill issue on behalf of OP. You had to fight fire with fire here and get him back. Help, I'm dating a dude and he keeps rocking.
KAYLA: How does she not like notice? Certainly, after all this time, she should be able to like catch it, you know, at least once.
SARAH: Yeah, I think it's very silly. It seems harmless. Like if she's really that upset, maybe they can have a conversation about it.
KAYLA: But how could you possibly actually be upset about that? Okay, I get the choke… Maybe set some boundaries. Be like nothing small enough that I could choke on.
SARAH: Nothing that I could choke on.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think that's a fair boundary to set.
SARAH: And nothing that I could discover in like, if I'm at lunch with my boss.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: Like there are boundaries.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: It depends on your boss.
KAYLA: It depends on who the boss is, I suppose. I love that.
SARAH: This one, I just wrote lesbian ace confusion.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Also, not am I the asshole.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: I think this episode should be…
KAYLA: That’s the theme?
SARAH: Not am I the asshole. But this is a screenshot from, it seems to be another Reddit post.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And it's in r/bad women's anatomy.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And the post is, the screenshot is, are lesbians mostly asexual?
KAYLA: Uh oh.
SARAH: It's hard to have sex without a dick, and they don't produce much testosterone. What increases the need for sex?
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: And then the top comment is, seems like he doesn't know what women, lesbians, and asexuals are. I'm impressed.
KAYLA: That's, yeah, I agree with that. Wow.
SARAH: Yeah. So that's just…
KAYLA: Impressive in a way.
SARAH: It's really… it is impressive in a way. Just thought that one was a little fun, funky, fresh. This one is an actual am I the asshole.
KAYLA: Oh no, you've ruined our theme.
SARAH: I told you there would be no theme.
KAYLA: I had the episode title planned and everything.
SARAH: Well, I don't know what to tell you.
KAYLA: Damn it
SARAH: This one was taken down, so I had to…
KAYLA: Oh god.
SARAH: I found it in video form on Instagram.
KAYLA: You're so brave.
SARAH: I went to look up the actual post. It had been taken down, so I had to find it elsewhere, but I did it. I put in a lot of effort.
KAYLA: For us.
SARAH: On this one. Am I the asshole for telling my wife to stay at home and watch the kids because my job pays more?
KAYLA: I think we did this one.
SARAH: Did we?
KAYLA: Is it that her job wants her to travel a bunch and he was like, it's not fair.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: I have to basically be a single dad.
SARAH: Mm mm. It’s different
KAYLA: Okay. Well, that was one we did.
SARAH: That was one we did. You're right. Also, I get confused because I put them in here and then we don't always do them right away.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And so, I'm like, wait, did we do that?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: No. It is not that one.
KAYLA: Okay. Interesting.
SARAH: Okay. There's a sub header, but it kind of gives away the bit, so I'm just going to start.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: My wife, Danielle, who is 33 years old, has a job that requires her to go into the office every day. I, at 42, work from my home office. We have two children aged two and four. We had a nanny named Esme, whom we hired after…
KAYLA: Why are we even name dropping?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I've never seen this.
SARAH: It's wild. It's wild.
KAYLA: It's such a wild thing to do.
SARAH: And it was not on like a burner. It was just like on…
KAYLA: That's wild behavior.
SARAH: We had a nanny named Esme, whom we hired after moving to this city for my wife's job. We don't have any family in this city. Esme has been with us since we moved here six months ago. She was excellent at her job and a pleasant person in general. However, Danielle got it into her head that Esme was trying to get me away from her and fired her. It was a ridiculous assertion as I love my wife, but she insisted on it and also rejected any other nanny sent by agencies, including a male one, thinking it was weird to have a male nanny.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Danielle wants me to watch the kids since I'm at home anyway. I told her that there's no way I can do that as I bring home 65% of our income and cannot watch the kids while working. As a temporary solution, I invited my parents to stay with us so they can help with childcare. Danielle isn't pleased with this arrangement. She likes my folks but doesn't want them around 100% of the time. However, neither her mom nor dad are available to help. What?
KAYLA: Her parents can't come.
SARAH: Oh, right. I said that and I just didn't understand it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Neither her mom nor dad are available to help. I explained to her that if she wants my parents to go home, she either needs to find a replacement for our nanny or stay home to watch the kids herself. She believes I'm devaluing her work and expecting her to watch the kids simply because she's a woman. I disagree. I think she created this situation and it's her responsibility to deal with it. That's it.
KAYLA: I mean, yeah, man. Like, if the kids were older, I would say that he could probably work and watch the kids at the same time. But two and four…
SARAH: Two and four that’s…
KAYLA: You cannot work.
SARAH: They need attention.
KAYLA: They need constant attention. Like, my old boss has kids a little older than that but still pretty young and he worked from home full time. But his wife is a stay-at-home mom because he can't. Like, even with his wife there, sometimes his kids would just run into our meetings and be like, hello? Because they're children. That's just not possible.
SARAH: Yeah. This one is a real misleading one because it seems like he's just super sexist.
KAYLA: Yeah, it seems bad
SARAH: But then you're like, okay, but it's her fault that she... And in the comments, they were like, have you ever... I mean, maybe there's a missed perspective here about he cheated on her before or whatever. But in the absence of that, she's just insecure and taking it out on him.
KAYLA: Well, especially, yes, even if there was prior infidelity or whatever, and he, I'm assuming, is straight because the male nanny seemed to him a good solution. And then she just also said no to that because she thought it was weird.
SARAH: She has a very old-fashioned view of gender.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: It's giving to me... I'm not saying that she's a white feminist. I don't even know if she's white.
KAYLA: However, ...
SARAH: What I am saying is that there's a parallel here to being like, oh, I'm a feminist and I support these things, but not actually being fully educated on them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it seems to me like she's like, oh, well, you shouldn't ask me to do this just because I'm a woman. But then she's expecting him to act a certain way because he's a man. And then when he suggests, okay, what if we have a male nanny? She doesn't want that because she doesn't want a male nanny because she expects a man to act a certain way. And I understand being wary of a male nanny. I get it.
KAYLA: Yes, I understand being wary of a man.
SARAH: Of a man. Point blank. But he is offering her solutions and she's just complaining about the solutions.
KAYLA: No, it does feel very hypocritical to be like, you're being sexist because you expect me to be in this role as a woman. And then she's mad that there's a man in a role she doesn't expect him to be in. It's like, I don't quite understand what she was hoping to have happen there.
SARAH: Well, she wants him to take care of the kids.
KAYLA: Yes, but also like if he's bringing in 65 percent of their income.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like that's just like, well
[00:20:00]
SARAH: I mean, also, even if he wasn't, I still don't think that's necessarily totally fair.
KAYLA: No, it definitely isn’t. Especially…
SARAH: Because like this is a partnership.
KAYLA: Yes. If it was her choice to fire the nanny and he was not involved in that at all and then making him suffer the consequences of that is just like, well. Not the asshole.
SARAH: Not the asshole. Yeah, that was what the Internet was like.
[Voice from Sarah’s phone]
KAYLA: How did that sound like me?
SARAH: It wasn't.
KAYLA: It sounded like me.
SARAH: All right. I have another Am I the Asshole
KAYLA: Thank God.
SARAH: Got my delightful little website that just reposts text versions of Am I the Asshole? All right. Am I the asshole for lying to my partner about having kids and laughing about it? Lying is in quotations.
KAYLA: Probably.
SARAH: So, I, (35 male), became recently engaged to my partner (34 female). We met on a dating site, on a dating app three years ago and hit it off from the start. Five years ago, I got my fallopian tubes removed. What? Oh, no, my… sorry.
KAYLA: Huh?
SARAH: They made… they wrote this in such a confusing way.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: OP is 34, female.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Yes. OP is 34, female, partner is 35, male.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: It was, it reads, so I recently became engaged to my (34 F) partner (35 M).
KAYLA: Yeah, they wrote that wrong.
SARAH: That is confusing. You're supposed to do it after you use the first pronoun. Anyway. Okay. So, OP is the woman in this hetero relationship.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: Five years ago, I got my fallopian tubes removed. I've known I don't want to give birth since I was 15 years old and I've never changed my mind. I always said that if a child came into my life, I'd love it, but I'm not actively seeking that out. On my dating profile, it explicitly states child free and infertile, verbatim. At the beginning of our relationship, my now fiancé regularly referenced other things I put in my profile. So, I assumed he had read that part and kids never really came up in other conversations.
KAYLA: Oh, no, no, no.
SARAH: Well, last night he mentioned that I should consider stopping my birth control since now we're engaged and given our ages, we should start trying for kids. I honestly thought he was joking and laughed.
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: He got frustrated and asked me why I thought it was funny and I reminded him the second line of my dating profile said that I was ostensibly infertile. He was shocked and called me a liar. I happened to remember that I sent a screenshot of my dating profile to a friend for review around that time and pulled up the old convo with her to show him the time and date. And that indeed it stated I was child free. I told him I had my tubes taken out so there was no chance of me getting pregnant without outside help. IVF is technically still an option, but I don't want to put my body through that. He stormed out and his mom called me crying that I've ruined his life. His sister sent me a long message about how getting my tubes removed should be illegal and how I'm a monster for stringing my fiancé along. To be honest, his family never really liked me because they think I'm beneath him. A cousin told me it's because I'm fat, true, but I'm also pretty active, regular walks with my dog, hiking, biking, swimming, paddleboarding, and the little snowshoeing, none of which meant so much to me.
KAYLA: That's literally the most active person I've ever heard in my life.
SARAH: And she's a career woman in a male dominated field. Plus, we share the household labor 50-50 and I make more money than he does. Because of this, I don't take what they say too seriously, but I'm starting to feel bad. His family believes I stole years of his life and ruined future chances of being a father by lying about my fertility status. He asked for space when he stormed out, so I haven't reached out to him. I do love him, but I'm starting to have serious second thoughts given his family's reactions. I realize now that we should have talked about this before, but am I the asshole for how I handled the situation? And then there's a follow up with some answering of common questions.
KAYLA: That's so wild.
SARAH: Would you like the follow up?
KAYLA: Yes, I would like the follow up. I have so many questions.
SARAH: The follow up: We have had conversations about the future, but mostly about investments, housing, and careers. Every time we've talked about housing, it's usually about how many rooms for hobbies, office, et cetera. We both have hobbies that take up a decent amount of space, so we've discussed things like would we need a room for his musical instruments or build him a studio shed in the yard. We wanted a fenced yard for my dog, a guest room, and a good kitchen for hosting family. He never mentions rooms for kids in any of these discussions. We've talked about investing for retirement and how we want to manage that, but there was never any talk about college funds or kids or anything like that. I'm on birth control. Arm implant lasts 5 years and I'm on year 4, but only to help with my period flow and pain. We both got tested early in the relationship, and I said as long as we're both clean, that was fine with me since I can't get pregnant anyway. He was excited by that, but I didn't explicitly mention my tubes being removed. I do have scars, but he has never brought them up. My family knows about my procedure and is generally not very nosy to begin with, so it's not brought up at all. We spend very little time with his family because they live a 5-hour flight away, and since they don't like me, they do all communication through my fiancé. I've only met them in person 5-6 times, and they don't engage a whole lot, which is probably best for me. I was texting my BFF about all this when she told me that he was present for a conversation with her and her partner where she brought up that I'd had my tubes removed and how happy I was when I got it done. I wasn't there for that, so I can't speak to it, but she says she swears he was an active participant in the conversation. I think that I need to prepare for this to be the end. I'm willing to have an open conversation with him when he's ready, but as many of you pointed out, him running to his family knowing how they already feel about me is unkind and sets a tone for our future disagreements.
KAYLA: That is so wild, because say he forgot that part of her profile and either wasn't present for that conversation or forgot about it or something, you would think that if they talk about their future that much, that kids would come up. Good on them for having those conversations, because Dean and I never have conversations where we're like, how are we going to invest, and how many rooms do we want? Because I'm 5 years old, and I'm too young to be having those conversations, but kids would have to come up.
SARAH: There was another response where OP responded, actually. The question was, how in the world did this never come up in the three years of dating? Do people not talk about having kids and future goals? And OP was like, I never brought it up because I thought it was already established. We met on Tinder, and it was the second line in my profile. Further down on my profile, I mentioned that I don't really like the texture of tomatoes, and he has brought it up a few times without me saying anything aside from it being on my profile. Plus, our first date, he asked me some good clarification questions about my profile, implying to me that he'd read it all. I guess I made the bad assumption that since he didn't bring it up, it wasn't an issue. Honestly, in this situation, I don't really blame OP for not being like…
KAYLA: No
SARAH: For not being like, hey, just to clarify, you don't want kids, right?
KAYLA: He's going to reference the tomatoes. Why would you?
SARAH: And if in these discussions about the future, if he's never mentioned anything about kids, then you have no reason to think that he would want kids.
KAYLA: Yeah, no, I don't think it's the OP's fault at all. Obviously, yes, looking back, I think it would have been best for everyone if those conversations had come up, but it's completely understandable why they wouldn't.
SARAH: Sometimes I think about how John Green, when John Green got married, before they got married, he and his wife went to this Catholic engaged couples retreat thing.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: And he talked about how they did a thing where you stand back-to-back with your fiancé, and they ask questions that can be answered by raising your hand or not. And the point is to be like, are you on the same page? If not, discuss.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And when they asked about kids, I guess they were the only couple there who had discussed it and were on the same page.
KAYLA: Yikes.
SARAH: It also seems to me like his family is really pushing him having kids.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And he's letting them.
KAYLA: Yeah, the family, I do not care for them.
SARAH: Oh my god, oh my god, there's another update.
KAYLA: Uh oh, uh oh.
SARAH: Dude, dude, dude.
KAYLA: I'm so scared.
SARAH: The way this is formatted is just, okay, so she gave him some time.
KAYLA: Mm hmm.
SARAH: So, my fiancé came home this morning and I asked him if he wanted to talk. He said there was nothing left to talk about. I asked him if he wanted the ring back and he got angry. I've never seen him like this. I tried to speak calmly to him, but he was just yelling about how I was giving up and how I wouldn't even talk to him. I reminded him that I'd asked…
KAYLA: You had just asked.
SARAH: I reminded him that I'd asked if he wanted to talk and he said no, to which he responded that he didn't think I'd go all crazy over a disagreement. This was a huge wake up call for me. I asked him why he had never brought up kids beforehand and he said because he knew I would get all weird about it.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: I tried to get him to clarify, but he just kept saying he couldn't talk to me when I was like this. I swear I never raised my voice…
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: And tried to speak calmly the entire time. I told him I can't have kids, nor do I want any. I don't want to give birth. That seems like a deal breaker for him and his family. He said his family had nothing to do with this and I asked why he told them then. He said because he was hoping they'd talk sense into me. I told him I was ending the relationship and staying with my dad for the time being. This didn't go over well. I'm still kind of shaking. As I was leaving, I asked him how long he has wanted kids and he admitted he never thought about it…
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: But he knew I didn't want any and now that we were engaged it wasn't just about me, he had a say in children. I told him I physically could not get pregnant without IVF and asked him how he expected that to work. He responded that I didn't know what I was talking about.
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: I left after that because I just didn't have the energy to try and convince him and I didn't want to further agitate him. When I told my dad everything, he was furious. Apparently when my fiancé spoke to him about proposing, he did not ask permission, both my dad and I are opposed to that tradition just basically letting my dad know his plans, my dad asked him if he was okay never having kids as I'd had my tube removed as my dad said he specifically brought up my surgery and the impossibility of natural pregnancy. My fiancé told my dad that it'd always be my decision.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: I'm thankful this happened before we started any of the wedding planning but it feels like I swallowed a boulder. I know I need to be more adamant in the future about my stance on kids and I promise I will have these discussions with future partners openly and from the start. I blocked his family from messaging me after they added me to a group message and started throwing bible verses at me and saying that I'm a defective woman for not wanting kids. I don't have the energy right now to be petty so I just blocked them. My dad is going to help me move my stuff out the next couple days. I need to talk to the landlord and figure out the lease. I'm financially stable enough to pay most of the fees I think but I doubt my now ex-fiancé can afford the rent on his own. The only text I've received from him just said you'll regret this. I don't believe this is meant as a threat but I'm being cautious just in case. Thank you for all the feedback. It was helpful to understand where I went wrong. This is my first long term relationship and I fucked up a lot of communication but I know it's not just on me. I tend to be the kind of person that doesn't like to rehash things if I feel like we're on the same page but with huge decisions like this reiterating as necessary and people are allowed to change their minds which means rehashing is necessary in a healthy relationship.
KAYLA: My mouth has been open this entire time.
SARAH: I also like that his family was like, you stole these years away from him as if he can't continue getting bitches pregnant until he's 80.
KAYLA: It's very true.
SARAH: She's the one who would be quote unquote running out of time.
KAYLA: Yes, he can have children for a very long time. What the hell, man?
SARAH: And the fact that he was like, oh I didn't bring it up because I knew you'd be weird about it. I think he thinks that once they're engaged and then also married that he controls her.
KAYLA: I am so confused. Because what do you mean the dad was like, you know this right? For sure, right? And he was like, yes. Like what happened? Really to me it feels like it's the family.
SARAH: He was probably just saying that to the dad.
KAYLA: Well, A, yes, maybe he was just saying that and was like, I can change your mind later. But it does seem like his family has some very strong thoughts and feelings.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And so, I wonder if there's pressure from them of like, he was like, oh yeah, we're not going to have kids and they freaked out about it.
SARAH: Yeah. I think it's also wild that she asked him why he never brought it up and he was like, well, he never thought about it.
KAYLA: I mean, clearly this man is a piece of shit. If you're the one that's yelling and she's being calm and he's like, I can't talk to you when you're like this. Like what, sir? What does that mean?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That is cuckoo bananas.
SARAH: Okay. I have one more.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Oh, this was actually deleted by the person who originally posted it.
KAYLA: Uh oh. You can't hide from us.
SARAH: You can't hide.
KAYLA: The internet is forever.
SARAH: I guess I will just have to read it off of this video. Okay. Am I the asshole? Did I cheat on my wife?
KAYLA: What? You can't be asking things like that.
SARAH: So, my wife decided to go looking through my activity on Reddit, which is fine - it takes too long waiting for the video - which is fine. I give her access to my phone. She can look through all my texts and online activity. I have nothing to hide. But recently on a mental health subreddit, I commented on a few Selfie-Sunday posts.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: So, she decided to look through my Reddit comments last night and found several pics that I commented on. She lost it and started crying, saying that it's cheating. I didn't think what I said was that bad, and I wasn't worried about her seeing them. I can't post a picture, but some of the comments were, “I like this Sunday selfie shit.” “I second that post.” Oh, and then a post where someone was like, oh, I've been creeping on this sub for a while now, but for the first time, here's my little selfie Sunday. And then he was like, “so have I,” and then the eyes emoji. A little background for me. I'm not a flirtatious person at all, and I've never private messaged another woman ever. I'm socially awkward, and I can't even think of a time when I did anything I'd consider flirting. I love my wife, and she's the only one I want. But did these comments cross a line that I'm just totally oblivious? Am I the asshole here?
KAYLA: I feel like the one with the eyeballs, I could see how that could come off as flirtatious. Do I think it's cheating? No.
SARAH: Now, here's the thing. I'm looking at the original post. And according to the comments, it seems like this is the sanitized version of the story.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Because some people looked into his comment history.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: And also, I guess he was deleting comments, and he deleted the post to make himself look better.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: But I guess there was one example of, it was like Photoshop requests, where it was like, hey, can you please Photoshop me out of this photo with my teenage son? I just want this to be a photo of my son. And he referred to her as a MILF.
KAYLA: Ah, well.
SARAH: And then this person who claims to be the wife, who commented.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And said, there were literally like 10 different posts of him commenting being flirty. I knew he was posting this thread here. I didn't say it was cheating, but that it was extremely disrespectful of our relationship. I don't check his online activity literally ever. I'm literally in the same subreddit that these posts were in. I'm the one that showed him the sub because I wanted to understand what he's going through more. I was reading other posts and happened to see him commenting on a selfie post being flirty literally five days ago, so damn straight I looked to see if there were more, and they were numerous. Instead of owning up to what he says, he was just being nice and trying to be positive with these women. What a good guy, right? And maybe I am a little insecure right now, but we've been together nine years, married for three, and I'm literally about to go into labor at any time now. Not exactly how I wanted to start my family with him. And a lot of people were like, yeah, it seems like the actual story may have been a little different just because he was deleting comments and stuff.
KAYLA: Yeah. I also will say one of my first thoughts was what if he just posted this to then… because no one, you would think, would post an am I the asshole if they were lying. You know what I mean? To me it seems like, “good evidence” to be like, no, look, I'm so innocent that I'm asking people, you know what I mean? I'm telling other people the story.
SARAH: Yeah, I'm asking everybody something wrong, yeah.
KAYLA: So, it could be a manipulation of no, look, I'm such a good guy.
SARAH: Yeah. Apparently, he also at one point told someone post more pics. Here's the thing.
KAYLA: Whoa
SARAH: Here's the thing. He says that he doesn't interpret what he's doing as being flirty. Whether he's being genuine in saying that or not, I can't speak to him. What I can say, though, is that some people just can't tell. People have different interpretations of what flirting is. And so, I think in a completely innocent, innocuous situation, there could absolutely be a miscommunication here about I genuinely just thought I was being nice.
KAYLA: I don't think it would be wrong for the wife to be upset by that, though. Obviously, a conversation would need to be had, but I don't think, even if he was being completely innocent, I don't think it's wrong for her to be like, hey, man, this makes me upset.
SARAH: Also, if she's about to pop with the baby, her hormones are going crazy. Hey, this is Sarah from the future. I just want to be clear that when I say that her hormones are going crazy, I don't mean for that to discredit her feelings or to say that they're not valid. I just mean to say that if he feels, or maybe anyone listening feels that maybe she's overreacting a little bit, she has a lot going on. Give her a break.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't trust this guy, like the vibe. Especially the fact that he deleted it is not a good look.
SARAH: Yeah, and so when I first saw it, I was like, he doesn't seem like the asshole at all, but then digging into it a little bit more.
KAYLA: Sketchy.
SARAH: Sketchy. Okay, that's all. What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: My poll is, what food would you be most upset if someone made it plastic?
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: You know?
SARAH: Okay. Sure. Kayla, what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: My beef is, one of my beefs is that every single person in my house has a terrible cold except for me and I feel it coming for me, and I do fear for my life. I feel as though I'm being hunted in my own home. I am not safe here.
SARAH: Yeah, that's tough.
KAYLA: My other beef is that I have this weird dry patch on my upper lip and nothing I do will make it go away. It has been like a week maybe? Maybe not that long. But maybe. Actually, yeah, I think it has been like a week and I'm moisturizing it and I'm putting all the things on it and it's still there and I don't understand what that means.
SARAH: Boo hisssss.
KAYLA: My juice is, one of them is that the season finale of Sarah's show, Wild Cards, was very good.
SARAH: I like how it's my show.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: It is. And if there is not a season two, I am going to be so upset because it is a good television program and I have enjoyed watching it and I want to know what happens next. My last juice is this book I've been reading called The House in the Cerulean Sea. I am not finished with it because I'm like maybe 30 pages away from finishing it and I was starting to do a cry and I like to, when I finish a book, just kind of sit in silence and think about everything, all of it. And I was like, I will wait until after the podcast to finish it. But it is easily like in my top books I have ever read, like instant. And I do not say that lightly.
SARAH: Damn. What is it?
KAYLA: It is a magical realism book and it is… there's this guy who's a caseworker for the department in charge of magical youth and he's sent to do a checkup on an orphanage because extremely upper management was like, you have to go check out this orphanage. And so, he goes there for a month and he like meets with the kids and the guy that runs the orphanage is kind of, well, it's just like about him learning about magical youth and also, what the fuck extremely upper management is up to. It reminds me kind of of the vibe of like Matilda or like a series of unfortunate events where there's kind of that like almost like ridiculousness, you know, or like kind of like silliness, but in a very like serious, do you know what I mean?
SARAH: Yeah, I do.
KAYLA: Like I feel like series of unfortunate events. It was like things that were just like very ridiculous, like visually or just like stuff like that would happen and, but it was just like normal, but it's also like, that's so crazy. Anyway, it's really, really good. I cannot recommend enough.
SARAH: Wow. Great. My juice is Marcus Pork, the fashion designer.
KAYLA: Who the fuck is that?
SARAH: Marcus Pork and his son Marcus Pork Jr.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: I hate that.
SARAH: They design all the best fashions with the t-shirts.
KAYLA: Sure. Okay
SARAH: All the best t-shirt fashions. And he designs fashions for all of the mental illnesses. He designs fashions for the tism. He designs fashions for all sorts of things. Marcus Pork Jr. has really started branching out and, you know, he's creating his own brand. Marcus Pork Jr. is very ripped by the way. And the original OG Marcus Pork is 34 years old. He's definitely, definitely 34 years old. And also, his face is on all of his shirts. But he made shirts for aros, aces and aro-aces.
KAYLA: Oh, are you getting one?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Why not?
SARAH: But I love them.
KAYLA: But you're such a fan.
SARAH: I wouldn't wear it.
KAYLA: Okay. Marcus…
SARAH: I literally sent you the video on Instagram.
KAYLA: What? Yes, you did.
SARAH: 30 seconds. Like 30 seconds.
KAYLA: He definitely looks 34. Here's the thing about you sending me things on Instagram. Too many. It's too many.
SARAH: Okay. Let me…
KAYLA: And I can't possibly see them all.
SARAH: And I just think it's very nice that he made these, because he's made shirts for the La Dollar beans and for the gays. And I think maybe for pans and Bis too. And so just feeling very seen that he included the aces, the aspecs. And in the comments, a lot of people were like, Oh my God, thank you for making a shirt.
KAYLA: For me shirts
SARAH: For me. And so, here's what it says. It's a crude drawing, crude as in just like bad, of him wearing a large heart essentially and hugging it. And there is a clock, like an analog clock that has the ace flag on it. And it says, it's asexual time. Let's be attracted to somebody and do fondling to nobody. Now, in addition to the asexual shirt, where's the aro one?
KAYLA: The aro one says, let's not have a deep attraction, but still do some of the action.
SARAH: And then, and then we have an aro-ace one, which is, it's aro-ace time. Let's be attracted to nobody and do fondling to nobody.
KAYLA: My favorite is the caption that says, I wish everybody was aromantic so the world could wear this design.
SARAH: He always starts his videos by being like, are you afflicted by lesbianism?
KAYLA: Do you like to get freak nasty, but only platonically?
SARAH: And honestly, these shirts show a really good, um, nuanced understanding of the split model of attraction.
KAYLA: It really, it does. It's impressive.
SARAH: Marcus pork never fails me. He just makes silly shirts. They're all so good. And now I feel like I want to tell you some of the other good designs he has. Please hold.
KAYLA: Okay. Okay.
SARAH: Oh, there… Um, he had made shirts that were autis the season to be on the spectrum.
KAYLA: Mm. That's very good.
SARAH: It's lesbian time. Let's have a crush on the gender and do nuzzling with the homos.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: It's anxiety girl summer. Let's overthink on the beach and worry about being liked.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: He has really represented me in that we have… it's depression time. Let's be infected with sadness in the head and forget to leave the bed. It's ADHD autumn. Let's be distracted by the leaf and hyper fixate on the leaf.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: It's ADHD girl summer. Let's be distracted on the beach and be bad at our tasks.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: Um, he really takes the time to understand the communities he’s representing…
KAYLA: He does.
SARAH: And I think that's very…
KAYLA: It's very respectful.
SARAH: My other, I guess this is a juice, um, and it's related to, um, the plastic food, which is that my sister and my sister-in-law were staying with me and they left today. Well, their flight leaves in like an hour, so they haven't left yet, but, um, I returned to my home and found that they had left small plastic cowboy hats on…
KAYLA: Everywhere
SARAH: On all of the things in my room that were like hat-able, um, and there are just a great many of them. And I was like, Oh, well, how charming. Uh, my beef is that on my drive home from work today, I choked on water and…
KAYLA: She did
SARAH: Which is not unusual. I mean, it's always beef, but it's not unusual, but, um, I've been coughing because of it ever since.
KAYLA: It's true. It's true. It has been at least an hour, probably two.
SARAH: Um, anyway, you can tell us about your beef or your juice, your favorite Marcus pork design on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We have some new $5 patrons. They are Boston Smith…
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: And Liam Girard, who, um…
KAYLA: Boston Smith was existing, I thought.
SARAH: Yeah, but then Boston, um, yeeted and Boston came back.
KAYLA: Came back, thank you for your return, Boston.
SARAH: Our other $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are ffinasfs, Galvin Ford, Green_Sarah, Jennifer Smart and Joch. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Alyson Maguire who would like to promote Arden Gray by Ray Stoeve, Ani, who would like to promote the importance of being kind to yourself and others, Arcnes who would like to promote Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote tabletop games, and Celina Dobson who would like to promote the Critical Role Foundation, whose mission is to leave the world better than we found it. Our other $10 patrons are David Harris, Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, my Aunt Jeannie, Kayla's dad, Maff, Martin Chiesl, Parker, Purple Hayes, The Barefoot Backpacker, The SongOStorm, and Val. Our $15 patrons are Ace, who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer, Andrew Hillum, who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Dia Chappelle, who would like to promote Twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Hector Murillo, who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person, Nathaniel White, who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla's Aunt Nina, who would like to promote katemaggartart.com and Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Dragonfly and my mom, who would like to promote… my mom needs her hip replaced.
KAYLA: No, Julie!
SARAH: In like, September.
KAYLA: What is she going to have left at this point?
SARAH: Another hip.
KAYLA: That's her own.
SARAH: I mean, my grandma is a bionic woman, that's, you know, that's her future. But she thought she was going to be able to wait a couple more years. She wanted to do her hips after she retired, but it's not happening.
KAYLA: My mom has titanium in her neck now.
SARAH: Oh, fun! Strong neck. She has (singing) titani-um.
KAYLA: Indeed.
SARAH: (Singing) You shoot me down, but I won't fall. I am Sandy.
KAYLA: Yup. Exactly.
SARAH: Um, thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]