Ep 286: Am I The Asshole pt. 7 (Aspec Edition)
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey, what's up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I’m Sarah that's me
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl, that's me Kayla
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand
KAYLA: On today's episode, Am I The Asshole?
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome… No
KAYLA: We're so back, we are so back
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod
KAYLA: We're so back
SARAH: I hope everyone had a good break
KAYLA: Yes. I hope it was restful. I hope you were around good people.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: I hope you had good weather
SARAH: I hope you watched the Michigan football team absolutely body at the Rose Bowl in the national championship
KAYLA: Did you hear that the Alabama coach retired?
SARAH: No
KAYLA: We retired him, after he lost the Rose Bowl, prolific Alabama coach, what's his name? Retired
SARAH: I don't fucking know his name
KAYLA: All I know is he's very good at his job but we retired him, so
SARAH: But not good enough
KAYLA: Not good enough
SARAH: Because we beat his ass
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: Anyway, yeah
SARAH: I hope everyone had a lovely break we are back and we are…
KAYLA: We are so back
SARAH: More chaotic than ever. Me and Kayla just had a business meeting, um…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: So…
KAYLA: It took so long
SARAH: It did take a while. Well, do we have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: Let's see, buy our book
SARAH: I was about to say continue to buy our book, we have entered a new payment period for us
KAYLA: Oh yeah so get on it
SARAH: So, get on it
KAYLA: Yeah, just reminders I guess, we have a book, it's… there's an audiobook of it also, we have merch, we have a Patreon where you can get episodes early and very occasionally we do bonus content
SARAH: My rent, I might be about to be paying a lot more in rent so…
KAYLA: Please help…
SARAH: Support me
KAYLA: Sarah’s rent fund, yes, yeah, new perk… new Patreon perk, Sarah gets to have a home
SARAH: Perfect
KAYLA: I love it
SARAH: Oh, great, all right
KAYLA: That's all I have
SARAH: Well, Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we thought we would just bring the new year in correctly with an I am the… I am the asshole?
SARAH: I’m I?
KAYLA: Wait, I’m I the asshole? It's… they’re for sure of it this time, this year they're sure.
SARAH: One of our most recent episodes was also an AITA but…
KAYLA: That was so long ago
SARAH: Time-wise, it was a while ago
KAYLA: And like everyone always asks for them so it's like…
SARAH: And we like doing them and people ask for them
KAYLA: So, here we are
SARAH: So, here we are. I was going through my AITAs that I have saved, there are a lot of them, some of them have been taken down, um
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: But I do believe that last time we were AITAing I mentioned one that was wild but it was very long
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: And then I have… so, we can do that this week and then I have two that are aspec
KAYLA: Sick
SARAH: And then I have some others that we can get to if we have time
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Um, should we start… should we start with the aspec ones?
KAYLA: Sure. Let's be thematic for once
SARAH: Yes, this first one, family is a little unusual. There are three adults and two children. The adults are OP's wife and another woman best described as my wife's platonic life partner and also my very dear friend
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: We're going to call the partner Sally
KAYLA: Okay, so we have OP, OP's wife, children, a platonic friend Sally?
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Okay, continue
SARAH: Sally has lived with them for 20 years, the kids call her ma’, they have a four-bedroom house and Sally and the kids each have their own bedroom
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Sally is aro-ace.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: She and my wife love each other very much but platonically. Sally is like a sister to me. I cannot overstate how incredibly platonic her relationships with both of us have always been
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: They've been very happy together um and they've been super glad to have her since they had the kids because they have a third parent
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: My cousin, we'll call him Dave, has been married to his wife, we’ll call her Mary, for something like 15 years, they have two kids. Dave talked Mary into opening the relationship about a year ago and now they're getting divorced because he's struggling to find anyone willing to date him
KAYLA: Ha ha
SARAH: Mary isn't and he's incredibly pissy about it and it's destroying their relationship
KAYLA: I have seen… I feel like we got a quote from someone, there was someone in our book who talks about this that their partner wanted to open the relationship and then they were the one that ended up finding additional partners and then it got weird
SARAH: The partner got mad, yeah
KAYLA: This seems to happen
SARAH: Yeah, so he's jealous and resentful and he’s making that her problem
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: He also says now, he says and also now mine because he says it's my fault
KAYLA: Ah
SARAH: According to him he thought it would totally work great because my family “make polygamy and open relationships look easy”
KAYLA: Brother
SARAH: Which… what? OP goes, setting aside that Sally's relationship with both my wife and me are all platonic there is no open relationship in our household, like Sally and I each get a weekly date night with my wife, I take the kids on her night she takes them on mine, no one in our house is dating anyone from outside it. There are committed relationships that are for all intents and purposes exclusive. None of us have ever mentioned seeing anyone else
KAYLA: So basically, it's a married couple and then a QPR couple?
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: In the same house
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: So he says we're not seeing anyone else and even if we were which again we're not I don't see how that would make me responsible for Dave treating Mary terribly because he's jealous, somehow he apparently convinced that he and his beer gut would get all the girls but no men would be interested in a charming kind woman who keeps herself in reasonable shape and bakes the best cupcakes you will ever taste
KAYLA: My god he got him
SARAH: Oh, I'd have dismissed this out of hand but my aunt, his mother and like six other family members…
KAYLA: You’re joking
SARAH: Agree that I’m the asshole and have been insisting I should apologize to my idiot cousin and help him talk Mary into closing the relationship and staying with him. I like Mary, we've been friends for 20 years and she's good people, also friends with my wife and Sally and a wonderful aunt to my kids, given the choice between her and Dave I'd keep Mary in the family along with her kids
KAYLA: Fair
SARAH: Someone in my family is saying here is it me or them who's the asshole? Um, oh actually it's not that long because in the post it includes some of the comments, because it was a repost from something, so it's actually not long as I thought it was- wait I see why, there's an update
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: There's an update
KAYLA: I’m scared
SARAH: This was literally the next day, that he posts this update um he was like it feels like it was a week ago now
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: Sorry in advance, it has gone pretty dark
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: It turns out that unbeknownst to me Dave's sister, we'll call her Tina, reads this sub a lot
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: And she saw my post and immediately figured out that it was me posting about her brother and she won't tell me if she was one of the commenters or not but for those of you who called that Dave was the golden child Tina says you were right on the money
KAYLA: Oh wait, so Tina is on our side?
SARAH: It seems so
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: She seemed to find that really validating and I have literally never heard her sound so happy, she's usually depressed. So thanks everyone who decided to read into their family dynamics, you did her a solid
KAYLA: Oh my God, okay so Tina slay, I was afraid Tina was going to tell on us
SARAH: Yeah, okay. This is about 8 A.M, he goes to work, about 10 he gets a text from his wife that just says, “come home now”
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: I got another one just as I was starting the car that said the kids are fine
KAYLA: Okay, good, good, that’s nice
SARAH: Which I really appreciate because at least that let me change gears from panic to concern
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: I got home, I pulled up on the… I pulled up… I tried to go in the front door but the handle is broken
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: Mary's car is parked in the driveway he has to go in through the garage, inside was my wife Mary and Mary's eldest son Jack who is 12
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Mary was banging around the kitchen and Jack was crying on my wife, as I understand it what had happened was before she called me Tina texted her brother a link to the post
KAYLA: Why Tina
SARAH: And made some kind of comment about it, I don't know what she said…
KAYLA: Tina, I thought we had something
SARAH: But Dave went into a rage, like the kind I thought he grew out of when we were teenagers breaking shit and screaming
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: So, he hits Mary. She has like a bruise coming on her face
KAYLA: Damn
SARAH: And OP is fucking pissed
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: And he says I feel like it's my fault, I can't remember if we told her that he used to be like that, we honestly thought he'd grown out of it
KAYLA: Ah
[00:10:00]
SARAH: Mary managed to get the kids in the car and drove straight to our place because she knew that there'd be someone home, Dave followed tried to force his way in, apparently my expensive security door was worth the money because he managed to damage the handle but the door stayed closed
KAYLA: Well, that's good to know
SARAH: It seems he gave up and ran when my wife yelled that I was on my way home, kid starts crying, he's upset, they're waiting for a locksmith to fix the door, Sally took the kids and Mary's youngest to their parents’ house in case they came back but Mary's older son Jack refused to leave his mom
KAYLA: Aww
SARAH: Those of you who said we should adopt Mary are getting their wish at least for now
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: Jack is going to be sleeping in my youngest's big boy bed, the kid gets to stay in his cotton sleep in Sally's room for a bit and Mary's youngest and my eldest are sharing a room because they're only a few months apart and they get on well. Mary is sleeping on our couch until we get it all figured out, my youngest will probably think this is the best day ever, he hates his big boy bed
KAYLA: I love that for him
SARAH: Also, according to Tina, Dave was telling his family that OP talked him into the open marriage thing specifically because OP wanted to sleep with Mary
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Plus, a bunch of other shit that I’ve honestly forgotten, it has been an absolute shit of a day and it's only half past two I’m pretty sure I just acquired a 12-year-old son 12 years early and seriously messed up at least for a while and I have to figure out how… you know, whatever. I can't even tell if I’m exaggerating. Jack is a wreck and maybe those please be my dad now vibes are temporary but maybe they're not. Thanks everyone for all of your input don't be mad at Tina I don't think there's any way she could have predicted Dave would lose his mind
KAYLA: Well, she should not have sent it but yeah there's no way she could have done
SARAH: There is one more update
KAYLA: Oh God, okay, I’m scared, so scared
SARAH: I didn't think another update would be necessary but I forgot to log out of this account and my inbox says I was wrong
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: Mary and the kids are not going to be staying with them um this weekend her brother will be picking them up and they're going to live with Mary's parents um they live about six hours out of town so it's not an easy drop-off, we’re looking for a counselor for Jack, I don't know what's happening with the legal stuff, those of you who thought this was all fake, okay, I’m not sure what you want me to do with that
KAYLA: Okay, that’s funny
SARAH: The person who kept spamming me with “Hi, Liz” how did you not realize you had the wrong username for over 24 hours, what the hell? The people posting about their Harem slash sister wives fantasy shit you're as bad as Dave but I'll allow that you spell better. If you can't even imagine the possibility that a man could have friends who are women he doesn't fuck that's a you problem, if you can't imagine that even when one of the women involved is aromantic and asexual you might be a problem, that's pretty much it, uh
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: We're just kind of answering some questions um, wild
KAYLA: I mean, clearly, we know who the asshole is
SARAH: Oh yeah, oh yeah
KAYLA: That is bat shit
SARAH: And it's like they had like such a nice family…
KAYLA: They had such a nice set-up
SARAH: And it's so nice and then some dickhead completely probably willfully misinterprets it
KAYLA: Oh yeah, I mean I think uh I mean this is interesting because we're going to be doing an episode here in a couple weeks that is very similar to these themes so I don't want to get too into it but I have a lot of thoughts because I just finished the reading material
SARAH: I’m holding it up for the camera
KAYLA: Sarah is modeling the reading material, you can't see it, we won't tell you
SARAH: No, this is an audio medium
KAYLA: So, I have a lot of thoughts that like are not relevant to this and we can get into in a couple weeks but um, wow people just don't… people just really like to see things they don't understand and are probably jealous of and be wild about it
SARAH: Yep, all right, let's do the other aspec one
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Am I the asshole for “outing” my wife's asexuality after she just let her friends gang up on me
KAYLA: I don't love that
SARAH: I don't remember what happens in this one either, so
KAYLA: Well, we’ll be in it together
SARAH: A little back story, we’ve been together nine years, a little over three, I’m assuming that means married a little over three
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: We both had incredibly high sex drives in the beginning and like normal after some time, they began to come and go, we used to go never more than a few days without having sex. I can't imagine that. We got married just before the pandemic which may have added to things but the long and short of it is that after some personal therapy at the beginning of 2020 my wife concluded that she was asexual and mostly had sex for my benefit and to maintain the relationship. Looking back I can kind of see it now. It would have been nice to know beforehand but it is what it is. She still offers sex once in a while because she knows I want to have it but I turn it down every time it's no fun having sex with someone just doing it for your benefit if I’m going to have sex with someone they should actually want to have sex with me and not just for maintenance
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: Fast forward to this past Friday, we went to a party at one of her friend's houses, I know a few people so it's never too bad although I’m not a big party guy, as usual we end up being one of the last to leave the last hour or so, these parties are usually chill just sit around the living room chat and catch up it's quiet but the conversations eventually turn sexual and personal and I hate it honestly for obvious reasons namely having to hear all these women talk about how much they love having sex with their husbands slash partners and all the things they do and knowing I'll never have that. The worst part though is my wife makes up all these wild stories and things we do
KAYLA: Ma’am
SARAH: That we did not… that we did not do in the past, I don't know
KAYLA: So, like not even… so, obviously they're not doing it now but they didn't even do in the past when they were having regular sex?
SARAH: Yes, that's what it seems like they're trying to say
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Just flat out lies, but because she's embarrassed of her asexuality I just kind of nod along since she's not really comfortable with other people knowing. I come back from the bathroom to them having a conversation about oral sex, I hate this. Once… I don't even know that I read this at all to begin with
KAYLA: Okay, good
SARAH: One story about how someone didn't like it at first now they love it, another about wishing they got it more, another about liking it more than sex sometimes and then it comes time for my wife to talk and they're prying for details. For whatever reason my wife decides to tell the truth and say she can't remember the last time someone went down on her. Of course she left out the key of context which turned into this group, a weird typo, saying how I need to put in more effort, how my wife probably gives me head all the time I don't return the favor and it's typical of men to be selfish lovers
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: I took it for a few minutes hoping my wife would jump in and stop it, she just kept quietly saying it's okay, it's okay, I don't mind he does other stuff blah blah blah but they kept going, finally one of her friends who as an anecdote I fucking despise she's overly confrontational for absolutely no reason
KAYLA: Me
SARAH: Demands to know why I don't even eat my wife out more often in a room of like nine other people. I look to my wife and ask if she'd like to chime in but she doesn't. I shrug and say that I don't actually really enjoy performing oral sex on women but that my wife doesn't let me because we don't have sex. My wife's face drops as she shot a look at me, I didn't even explicitly say she was asexual I just said we didn't have sex and haven't for a few years, when further harassed about it she immediately begins apologizing for me explaining that things have been rocky so we haven't been having sex as much which I immediately shut down because that's not even remotely true, if anything things have been great lately, if she has been having issues or doubts this would be my first time hearing them. I finally gave up, I told my wife I was going home but she said she wasn't done yet. I’m ready to leave. I logged into uber on her phone so that she could use my account and told her she could take it home or stay the night but that I would not sit here and be a punching bag because she was too ashamed to admit she was asexual. My wife immediately ran the bathroom and I was told to leave. She came home not long after me and hasn't spoken much to me except to half-heartedly apologize that… but that outing her like I did was worse. I apologized for outing her but she didn't leave me much of a choice, a few of her friends have messaged me calling me every name up and down the book and saying they're going to convince her to leave me, one or two of their boyfriends slash husbands messaged me and said that they were sorry and didn't know and offered to buy me a beer if I wanted, another of the friends in an open poly relationship actually offered to have sex with me which I showed my wife immediately
KAYLA: That's a wild response to that whole situation
SARAH: She says she knows it must have been shitty to sit there and take it but they're not really my friends so some momentary discomfort from people I don't really associate with isn't comparable to her prolonged discomfort a significant people in her life now knowing she's asexual. I completely disagree but I can kind of see where she's coming from, there are a few like updates just like answering questions
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: One, I don't actually mind not having sex because I genuinely love her. There are times it does get to me and this was admittedly one of them but they're very rare, maybe two or three times a year. No part of me believed that she bait and switched me for a ring that's just not who she is. Um two, she is asexual she's not fucking other guys I’m not some cuck waiting at home like a few DMs insinuated. I went with her for a few therapy sessions where she let me know I fully support her. Three, yes I’m aware that technically it is my fault we don't have sex, asexuality is a spectrum. Yes she feels no desire to have sex, she physically likes sex but otherwise she could live without it. My boundary is I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't desire me, I’m not undermining asexuality by having that boundary. Four, the issue here isn't that I’m with someone who's asexual I’m not sure why people keep telling that our marriage is over, I never suggested it, the issue is how she handles it and expects me to take the brunt of this kind of bullshit because she's ashamed of it. How do we feel?
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: I mean I think they both were wrong in different ways like obviously you cannot out someone like that's… we can't do that but also like I understand she's coming to terms with her asexuality that's a very difficult thing to do but like if you're… if you make the decision to not be out that like you can't have that impacting other people like that like
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Especially if you're just going to be lying because like there's also like other ways she could have gotten out of that, that we're not making everyone think he sucks
SARAH: There were some comments saying like she could have just like drew the line that like no I’m not going to talk about our sex life
KAYLA: Right. Well, that would have been the correct thing to do instead of like lying about stuff has just been like oh I don't want to talk about it
SARAH: And also because the… even if it's not what she initially intended she backed… she got herself backed into a corner where what she said about their sex life made him look bad
KAYLA: Well, and then she also asked her like are you going to say anything? Giving her the opportunity to like fix it even without outing herself and she just like didn’t
SARAH: And to be honest the fact that he basically said we're not having sex, I don't think he was wrong for that because
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: He didn't say oh are you going to tell them you're asexual?
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: What he said is we haven't been having sex
KAYLA: Right, which is just true
SARAH: And the he’s like you can explain further if you'd like
KAYLA: Yeah. Which is just true like if they were all being friends and being truthful about their sex lives then what she should have said from the beginning is like oh we aren't having sex and then… I mean I understand that's hard because then people are going to want you to elaborate and…
SARAH: They're going to be really pushy I get it, yeah
KAYLA: The only like answer people I feel like would accept is either like what she said which is like oh things have been weird or that you're asexual so like it's tough, it's just like she shouldn't have lied, he shouldn't have outed her but I also understand his frustration I mean it's just like it's tough
SARAH: One thing I was a little about mm, about was the way he was saying that like it's not my fault if she's embarrassed to be asexual and it's like I don't know that embarrassment is what it is, it seems to me like she's not ready to be out yet
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: And she didn't deal with that in a good way
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But I also would not jump to she's embarrassed of her sexuality
KAYLA: Right, yeah
SARAH: Unless she specifically said that to you
KAYLA: Right, which like it's, I don't know she could have said that…
SARAH: Maybe
KAYLA: If they’ve gone to like therapy sessions about it, then…
SARAH: But it seems like this guy is pretty informed about asexuality which I think is very good and like to me it's a little odd that he's like she's willing to have sex with me because she physically likes it but my boundary is that I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't desire me that I can't quite understand that
KAYLA: No, to me I’ve understood that because I’ve heard other people who are allopartners to aspec say similar things of like it feels weird to them to have sex with someone…
SARAH: Because it feels like a weird power dynamic?
KAYLA: Yes, like it's a weird like… they know that the other person doesn't really want to be doing this on the same level as them at least so it's kind of like… because especially if she is offering because she knows he likes it then it feels like I’ve heard people say like it feels so weird like…
SARAH: That’s fair
KAYLA: Okay, I know you're just doing this for me so like it doesn't feel like good
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, that I don't mind so much I can understand that
SARAH: Yeah, I think the way it was phrased and that like I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't desire me I think to me I took that as like I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't… who isn't attracted to me that way because you can still desire someone in that way in a certain context
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: If you don't have that attraction
KAYLA: I think that phrasing wasn't good
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: He described it better earlier in the post I think
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: That made more sense but yeah that wording definitely isn't great
SARAH: Yeah, and like I can clearly see that like he loves her and wants to you know continue this marriage and this relationship but I also… I think the asshole in this situation is the friends
KAYLA: Yeah, I do think…
SARAH: Because I think the wife made bad choices but I understand why she made them
KAYLA: Right, yeah
SARAH: And I understand that she may have felt really backed into a corner and that was the only thing she could think to do
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: The… OP, even if he didn't explicitly say like she's asexual…
KAYLA: Well, it sounds like he did though in the end
SARAH: It sounds like he did in the end um
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: So, like that's not cool
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: But I think to me the real issue is the friends because it seems to me like they were in a situation where his wife felt like she had to say something
KAYLA: Right, yeah
SARAH: And she had to participate and she had to offer something up
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And you know if that wasn't a precedent in that friendship already I don't think she would feel that way
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: And so, I just don't like how pushy the friends seem like they are
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Because now all of these friends are coming after him
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: And like they don't know the full story and then I also… I thought it was fucking weird that the like male like the husbands of those friends are like feeling bad for him
KAYLA: Yeah, and that was definitely like the gender split, their responses is definitely very odd
SARAH: Yeah, like oh I’m sorry that you're… you don't have sex with your wife it might suck to be must suck to be you
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It’s like that's not my first reaction to that, my first reaction is like is she okay how is it impacting your relationship
KAYLA: Yeah, it's… yeah I agree with you on the friends like it seems like if they were the kind of friends you would ideally want to have that like you wouldn't feel pressured like you would be able just to say I don't want to talk about this which is you know I don't know that's a hard thing to do and I understand that that's like not everyone has perfect friends or whatever but
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Not ideal for sure
SARAH: Yeah and it's also… it's interesting too because they mentioned that they have a… one of their friends is poly and that poly friend was like hey you want to have sex? Um
KAYLA: Weird
SARAH: But also, they talk about how all of the wives’ female friends seem to have male partners so like I’m really curious about like the makeup of this friend group
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Because there's somebody in it who is polyamorous but all the couples seem to be straight so like I’m just… my question is basically just like how informed and how woke on the fluidity of sexuality is this group of people to begin with
KAYLA: I would guess probably not like
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like my thought would be if this was like a well-informed poly person that they wouldn't say that, they wouldn't…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like their immediate thing wouldn't be to offer like I can fix your problems like
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: It's not like all poly people are like perfectly aware of queer things and are perfect great people you know, so
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I kind of… Yeah, I don't know, I’m guessing that they probably aren't the most informed people
SARAH: Yeah, well there are your asexuality AITAs
KAYLA: Yikes, those were wild
SARAH: This next one is the one that… this is the one that was just like wild last time in part because it was taken down because it broke the rules of the am I the asshole server
KAYLA: I mean, I love that
SARAH: So, I’m going to explain to you first
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Why it was removed
KAYLA: Okay. Perfect
SARAH: So, the mods removed the original post because it said it violated rule 11 of the subreddit. Rule 11 is as follows, no partings slash relationships slash sex slash reproductive autonomy posts, we do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic or familial pairings relationships and or reproductive autonomy
KAYLA: Wait, what? That's what all of them are about
SARAH: I know. The following posts are forever banned: am I the asshole for breaking up with slash ghosting slash cutting contact with, am I the asshole for dating blank, am I the asshole for doing sexual act, am I the asshole for being attracted to, any reproductive autonomy decision, any relation, any post related to cheating including telling on someone for cheating or not and similar
KAYLA: That's what all of them are
SARAH: Yes. And to which I said, I don't think what I saw of the post actually violates anything
KAYLA: Interesting
SARAH: Unless something was left out, so
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: Well, this is big drama
SARAH: Big drama
KAYLA: It feels like they have rule 11 just to take down the ones that they don't like, it feels like they only do that… like they only enforce that when they want to
SARAH: It's also just like interesting because I was looking at some of the other posts I had saved that have also been like taken down whether it's by mods or by OP and like I don't understand what the pattern is like I don't…
KAYLA: Interesting
SARAH: Okay, this one I’m having… I’m reading it off of a YouTube video
KAYLA: Okay, great
SARAH: Because it was taken down and I originally found it on Instagram but like it's not a big block of text so I had to find the big block of text version of it. Okay, so, am I the asshole for telling my wife I don't want to have a second child if she keeps her career
KAYLA: Okay, great
SARAH: My wife has a career that she loves where she works for a company that is based in our city and travels around the country and the world for approximately 12 to 18 weeks per year. In addition to those travel weeks there are approximately 10 weeks per year where she is usually working in our city nights and weekends for six or seven days a week usually working all weekend with Monday off. So roughly half of the year, she's either gone completely or working nighttime and weekend hours. We have one child and I’m the primary breadwinner, her job earns approximately 40% of what I make and her salary covers daycare costs and then a little bit. When she's out of town for work I have full responsibility for our child aside from the eight hours per day that he is in daycare during which I have time to work. It has been very hard being responsible for our child when she travels and on so many weekends. I feel like a single parent, my job is demanding and I usually have to work after putting him down for the night and barely have time to clean the kitchen slash house et cetera on top of my job. I told her that I could support this career if we only have one child but that if we have two which is what we both want that I don't think she can continue in her career, I just don't see how I can manage two kids for so many mornings taking them both to school daycare events and evenings and weekends entirely by myself all while I’m working full time, she called me weak and said that she does not want to leave her job but said that she will in order to have a second child. I fear she will quit and then resent me which will then lead to bad times for all involved
KAYLA: She called him weak like bro, what?
SARAH: Funny. Am I the asshole? And then update for a few who have she did apologize for calling me weak immediately after she said it
KAYLA: Okay, that's nice
SARAH: She is a good mother when she's here so I don't want it to seem like she isn't. She's doing a job that she's passionate about and highly trained for unfortunately it's not very well paid and not very compatible with raising a family, it's in the non-profit art world. Here's the thing, all of the comments and stuff and everything are saying not the asshole and I agree
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I agree that he is not the asshole, because I think that's a tough like ultimatum to put on someone but if she really is away all… like that much and it's putting all of that on him while he still works full time
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I think that's too much
KAYLA: Yeah, I agree
SARAH: There were some comments that were like, well, women have been doing this forever like women have been working and taking care of the kids and whatever and I think anyone who says that is completely missing the point
KAYLA: Yes, 100%
SARAH: Because no parent should have to deal with this
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Regardless of whether they're a single parent we need better support systems for parents regardless of their gender and so anyone who is saying like women have been doing this forever it's like you're missing the point and anyone who's saying like you're the asshole for asking this of her is having a weird double standard that's like coming from a good place but is not… it's not
KAYLA: I think the hard thing is that like the gender roles are reversed from what they normally would be which is what I’m assuming these people are having a hard time with is that like yes you want to let women be like career oriented and go-getters and be able to have a family at the same time but like you're right if this man… if she's gone like she's traveling working nights half the year he is working full-time taking care of the kid and she's gone on weekends so then like any weekend activities this kid has like that is a lot and that like even in a family where like the man is working full-time and the woman doesn't work like the man would still usually be home on the weekends like this is just… this is like extraordinarily bad circumstances and it's also hard because he makes the most money and they obviously need money to support the family
SARAH: Right. And I think that dynamic is like the extra hard part because if she was gone all this time but she was the primary breadwinner…
KAYLA: Then it would be like…
SARAH: It would be a completely different calculus
KAYLA: Right, because then he could get a different job or like not have a job for a while whether kids are young yeah, I mean it does… because yeah you can't… you have to have the person making the most money be the one that's working if you're going to support two kids in this economy or like she could still work but just have a less like demanding job
SARAH: Yeah, like my mom worked part-time when I was little
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: And then like when we were in like more elementary schools like she went back to working full-time
KAYLA: And that's the thing is like it's not like this is necessarily a forever situation like
SARAH: Right
KAYLA: She could take a part-time job or just a less demanding job while the kids are young and then maybe once they're like you know more autonomous, they can take themselves to things she gets to go back to the career she really wants
SARAH: Right, because that's what my parents di because my parents, my dad make more money than my mom, because my mom's a teacher
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And so she like worked part-time when we were little and she continued doing her same job but she was able to do it part-time and then like that makes sense financially. I’m just like… I’m reading all of the comments on this Instagram post that I found it from and like I can see which ones that I liked and this person is saying like you're the asshole welcome to what it's like in motherhood and it's like okay that doesn't…
KAYLA: That doesn't fix it
SARAH: Make him the asshole
KAYLA: And yeah, it shouldn't be that way for mothers
SARAH: That makes society the asshole
KAYLA: Yeah, that's really annoying
SARAH: Yeah, like boohoo now you know how women feel on a regular basis and it's like this is… this kind of reaction is why men push back on like fucking just basic feminism
KAYLA: Right, because you're being crazy
SARAH: And it's like… I know that Kayla, I know that you are a self-proclaimed misandrist
KAYLA: I am, this guy seems okay though
SARAH: But how does that work with this?
KAYLA: With the woman? Wait, with what?
SARAH: If… I was just… if you… because if you're a self-proclaimed misandrist
KAYLA: Yes, I hate men
SARAH: Then you would say he is the asshole
KAYLA: No, because I’m not like stupid, I just don't like men as like a societal whole, I don't like what they represent but this dude seems like fine
SARAH: That's fair, but to me I view misandry is like the…
KAYLA: No, yes, if I was actually misandrist whatever then yes, I would hate all men no matter what but…
SARAH: I didn't mean to take us down this road
KAYLA: The thing is that sometimes I say jokes, sometimes I do jokes…
SARAH: Oh my God
KAYLA: Sarah
SARAH: Jokes?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I’ve never heard of them
KAYLA: I know you haven't
SARAH: What are they?
KAYLA: It's when you're funny, you wouldn't know about it
SARAH: Okay, anyway… no, just the Instagram comments on this were like really pissing me off
KAYLA: Yeah, that's really annoying, people are stupid and I hope… I mean it's just really hard like when you have a family these are just the things that you have to… when you have a kid… kids in a family I mean this is just like what you just have to do that and you know?
SARAH: Or if this was a same-sex couple like people would not be looking at it the same way
KAYLA: All right, no, the gender divide is definitely…
SARAH: These baked-in gender roles?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's just… Yeah, the gender roles are flipped which is I think making people have a lot of feelings
SARAH: Yes, people have big feelings about them
KAYLA: Sometimes we have big feelings and we need to know what to do with them
SARAH: This has been AITA
KAYLA: This has been it
SARAH: This has been it
KAYLA: You're welcome
SARAH: We still have a bajillion more
KAYLA: Don't worry
SARAH: Don't worry, but that was it for this week, we got some long boys
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Kayla what is our poll for this week
KAYLA: Oh, man, maybe for the second one like who was the asshole the wife or the husband?
SARAH: Yeah, I think that one's the most um like ambiguous
KAYLA: Yes, I agree
SARAH: Anyway, you know it's about… no, what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: Let's see, my beef is the weather because it finally… we finally had a big snow storm here and it was really fun and it was like oh my gosh it's winter and then you know what happened the next day? Rain, and now all the snow is gone, and it was like 50 degrees, the world is dying
SARAH: It has been like 50 degrees here
KAYLA: The world is dying
SARAH: It’s wild
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: It’s bad. My juice is books, I’ve been into reading lately again which is very nice, I have some books in my TBR I’m very excited about. I came across this book on TikTok the other day that I think was literally written for me, can I read you the synopsis?
SARAH: I love… yeah please
KAYLA: It's like actually wild, I like couldn't stop thinking about it, get a load of this shit, are you ready? Okay, I’m starting over a swoon-worthy debut… I’m just so excited about
SARAH: She's doing her best
KAYLA: A swoon worthy debut queer Victorian romance in which two debutantes distract themselves from having to seek husbands by setting up their widowed parents and instead finding their perfect match in each other the lesbian Bridgerton x Parent Trap you never knew you needed, was that written for me in particular specifically?
SARAH: Honestly iconic
KAYLA: It like… is that not for me?
SARAH: Just for you
KAYLA: It's called Don't Want You Like a Best Friend it's by Emma R Alban. It just came out like this week
SARAH: You'll have to tell me how it is
KAYLA: I will, I just like… I’m shook about it like these are all I love a Victorian regency era, I love a queer, I love a Parent Trap, I love a Bridgerton, like hello
SARAH: I hope it's well because it would be the most disappointing thing
KAYLA: Oh, if it's bad I’m going to be fucking pissed
SARAH: There's nothing that pisses me off more than encountering like a fan fiction that has a really good premise and you start to read it and you're like I can't do this
KAYLA: I’m also… there's a book coming out next week that I’ve like had saved forever it's a trans retelling of pride and prejudice where Elizabeth is like a trans boy I forget the name, Oliver maybe? And if that's bad I will also be killing someone because I’ve had that saved for months, monthus
SARAH: I love this for you
KAYLA: Thank you so much
SARAH: I have read a little bit of a book
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: It's non-fiction but…
KAYLA: Is it the book that we're supposed to be reading or is this a different non-fiction book?
SARAH: It's the Anthropocene reviewed which came out three years ago
KAYLA: Okay, cool
SARAH: I’m finally reading it
KAYLA: Nice, good
SARAH: Um anyway my… did you have a… you are…
KAYLA: My beef was the weather
SARAH: Yeah, yeah, I know, I know
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: My beef is I have sad news for the listeners of this podcast
KAYLA: Oh, do you have a notes app up? Why are you getting on your phone? Did you write a eulogy?
SARAH: No
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: I know everyone loves our most beloved podcast interrupter Mr. Bogey, he didn't interrupt this… no he actually did interrupt this podcast
KAYLA: He did
SARAH: He did, he did. I just kept going, he's not dying
KAYLA: He's not, he's okay
SARAH: He's fine but he will be moving out at the end of February
KAYLA: Ooh
SARAH: I will miss him so dearly, he's still going to be in LA but he's not going to be in my house
KAYLA: Wait, I didn't know that
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Where is she going?
SARAH: I will explain this to you after this podcast is over
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: But I will miss him dearly and because I’m like oh no I only have like a month and a half left with him I’m always like I want to pet you and I want to hold you and he like doesn't… he has no concept of anything
KAYLA: Yeah. He doesn't know he's moving
SARAH: And so, he's like stop and I’m like love me
KAYLA: Stinky boy
SARAH: Stinky boy, that's my beef, my juice is on Friday I’m getting a new computer
KAYLA: Huge news
SARAH: Huge news
KAYLA: Sarah wouldn't… Sarah told me she had an announcement for the juice and then didn't tell me what it was, wow that's huge
SARAH: It's going to be amazing. My computer won't shut down every time it falls asleep when it's not plugged in, that has been inconvenient, very inconvenient and it won't have a rave every time I open it
KAYLA: Yay
SARAH: If I had epilepsy
KAYLA: Oh, it'd be over
SARAH: My computer would have killed me like…
KAYLA: Oh, yeah
SARAH: 12 times
KAYLA: One hundred percent. Wow, that's huge
SARAH: Huge news, very exciting. My other juice is that I drain-o’d my shower
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: And I got a huge very disgusting thing of hair that I had to pull out but now it's so great because I no longer have to take showers in a small pond
KAYLA: I love that
SARAH: My shower is a shower again
KAYLA: That's so exciting
SARAH: It’s huge. That's my beef and my juice
KAYLA: Wow, that was very exciting
SARAH: Thank you, you can tell us about your beef, your juice
KAYLA: Your asshole, don't tell…
SARAH: Your “I am the asshole”
KAYLA: Yeah, tell us about the time you… Wait, a second
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Episode idea, people send in to us times that they were the asshole
SARAH: I’m interested
KAYLA: That's it, that's the idea, thoughts? Everyone?
SARAH: Soundsfakepod@gmail.com
KAYLA: Yeah, extended times or times that someone was the asshole to you I suppose
SARAH: Yeah, give us stories
KAYLA: We're just going to make our own am I the asshole, right?
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Perfect. Oh, yeah we're on social media @soundsfakepod, we also have a Patreon, Patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you want to help me pay my rent because Bogey is not going to contribute anymore, not that he has been
KAYLA: He hasn't
SARAH: He doesn't… he doesn't have thumbs or a job
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Or a social security number
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: I know
KAYLA: I got to get that worked on, I got to get that
SARAH: When I came back from Michigan though I was like wow his fur is really soft right now
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: Oh, my other my other beef that I didn't really have to deal with as much as my roommate did is that two stories above my apartment there was a major water leak like they were moving a fridge and they hit a pipe and it got all through the floor to the apartment above us and then into our apartment, they have had to like apparently it was like the day I left
KAYLA: Dang
SARAH: So, my roommate was just dealing with it by herself
KAYLA: That sucks
SARAH: The carpet was soaked through, they had to rip out like the padding under the carpet for like maybe like a quarter, a third of our like main space
KAYLA: Jeez
SARAH: So, it's just like… and we had to like move the table away from the wall, there's water damage in the wall, there was a commercial dehumidifier in the apartment for quite a while
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: Apparently, the insurance adjuster was here the other day and apparently he's just going to try and get our entire carpet replaced
KAYLA: Oh, wow
SARAH: Because it would be… it would be hard to just do like the weird bits
KAYLA: Yeah, that would be weird
SARAH: And they might also have to… I think they're going to have to redo one of our walls
KAYLA: Wow, that sounds so fun
SARAH: Yeah, because I landed… I got off the… my plane in Michigan landed, I turned my phone off of airplane mode
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: And I was like why do I have 10 texts in a group chat with my roommate and my landlord
KAYLA: Not what you want to see, a group chat with the landlord is never good news from experience
SARAH: Yeah, he was like we need you to be there so that they can assess the damage
KAYLA: Yikes
SARAH: Anyway, that's all, what? If you want to help me pay my rent you can support us on Patreon, Patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Amanda Kiker, Ashley W, Brook Siegel, Byron Resnack and Chris Lorentano. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are, I’m going to say Selena Dobson again even though I did say them last week because they did change their promotion and they would now like to promote the Critical Role Foundation whose mission is to leave the world better than they found it, very nice, very good. Oh, Kayla is frozen. I’m going to keep going, David Harris who would like to promote the Cradle book series by Will White, Derek and Karissa who would like to promote supporting each other through transitions we face, El Biter who would like to normalize the use of tone indicators /srs. Our other $10 patrons are my aunt Jeannie, Kayla's dad, Maff, Martin, Giselle Parker, it was recently Kayla's dad's…
KAYLA: There we go
SARAH: Birthday. Kayla has left the zoom, she's gone. I’m announcing to the… oh she's back, hello. I’m telling… I’m telling the class about how it was recently your dad's birthday
KAYLA: It was yesterday, my dad's… how did you know that?
SARAH: Your sister posted about it on Instagram
KAYLA: Oh, okay. Yeah, my…
SARAH: Also, Facebook told me, I did not tell him happy birthday, I’m a bad person
KAYLA: That's okay, I didn't call him, I just texted him. I just saw it, anyway, yeah my dad turned 60, what a fucking old man.
SARAH: Big 60
KAYLA: I hope he's listening to this, an old ass man
SARAH: Happy birthday Kevin
KAYLA: Yeah, sorry, my internet just went out and then zoom said goodbye and then it came back
SARAH: Oh, it just… oh, no…
KAYLA: Nope, now you're frozen again
SARAH: As she was talking about her internet oh, oh…
KAYLA: Oh, oh…
SARAH: As you were talking about your internet you froze again
[00:50:00]
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I’m going to… I’m going to keep going
KAYLA: I wish you would
SARAH: Martin Gizelle, Parker, Maff, Purple Haze, Barefoot Backpacker, song of storm, Val, also Allison, Annie, Arkness, Benjamin Ybarra and Boston Smith. Our $15 patrons are Ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Sharer, Andrew Hillum who would like to promote Individual Spectrum Podcast, Dia Chapelle who would like to promote twitch.tv/melodydia, Hector Marino who would like friends that are supportive, constructive and help you grow as a better person and don't fucking convince your cousin to… that he needs to be in an open relationship
KAYLA: Well, but he didn't do that
SARAH: He didn't but…
KAYLA: Don't lie about your cousin to be in an open relationship
SARAH: Don’t lie… anyway, thanks to Tina for that clarity
KAYLA: Yeah. Thanks Tina
SARAH: Nathaniel White who would like to promote Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com and Kayla’s aunt Nina who would like to promote Katemaggart.com. Our $20 patron is dragonfly who would like to promote getting new carpet. Thanks for listening. To be fair the carpet does kind of have a lot of stains in it and there are some bits that the cat… the cat…
KAYLA: Yeah. The new carpet would probably be nice in general
SARAH: It would, yeah just generally
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Kind of inconvenient to put new carpet in
KAYLA: Yeah, for sure
SARAH: Especially in my room
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Because there was no damage in my room to begin with
KAYLA: Wait, they're going to redo all of the carpet?
SARAH: That's what the insurance guy said
KAYLA: Damn, that kind of sucks
SARAH: Yeah, we’ll see, we’ll see what happens. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows
SARAH: Maybe this is… maybe this is just a reason the pro hardwood floor lobbyists are going to come for me so hard being like this is why you don't have carp, I rent, it's… what do you want me to do? Bye
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]