Ep 36: Sexual Games pt. 3
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a demi straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Making sexual games not sexual.
BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro music*
SARAH: We asked you guys to let us know or tell us what you like that we’ve done, and we had someone tell us that they liked when we did the Episodes thing.
KAYLA: When we played the game Episodes.
SARAH: Yes, sorry.
KAYLA: It’s confusing when we have episodes where we’re playing Episodes.
SARAH: Yeah, I just – Okay. I know some of you probably weren’t a huge fan? I don’t know.
KAYLA: I have no idea whether people liked it or not.
SARAH: It’s one of the less serious things we’ve done.
KAYLA: It’s a silly one.
SARAH: But we had this one listener reach out to us and say he liked it, so we were like, alright, let’s do it again.
KAYLA: And last time we did it, we played the very sexual story “Boyfriend Stole my Bra” and did it as sexual as possible, which I thought was funny. And you can go back, those are episodes in the 20s somewhere. They’re called ‘Playing sexual games’ or something, so you can go back and listen to those.
But I thought it would be interesting if we picked a very sexual story and then played it as ace as possible.
SARAH: Yes, take a very sexual game and make it as, as – I can’t, I’m trying to formulate how to say this –
KAYLA: This is great, yeah.
SARAH: As the least amount of sexual as possible.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: So we’re on here, this one is called “My Handsome Roommate”, it’s made by Amelia George. “Will you be able to resist your roommate after you go to California and stay in an apartment?”. This could be you, Sarah.
SARAH: Probably won’t be, though.
KAYLA: It probably won’t, but I’m just saying, it could be.
SARAH: Mmkay.
KAYLA: Okay. Alright, so we get to California, we go to our apartment and some guy is already there and he’s like, I paid for this apartment, and we’re like, but we paid for this apartment.
SARAH: Yeah, we spent way too long going through that other story, it took too long.
KAYLA: It was too long. Might cut it out, it really didn’t matter. Basically, we’re in California. So instead of being rational and going to the building manager and being like, hey we both paid for this room, what the hell? We just decided to live together.
So I’m going to be our main character Emily, Sarah is Allan, so here you go.
SARAH: (in a very low voice) “I guess we’re roommates.”
KAYLA: You need to make your boy voice more understandable.
SARAH: (very slowly) “I guess we are roommates.”
KAYLA: Yeah, you need to articulate.
SARAH: (laughs) “So may I know your name?”
KAYLA: “No. Can you please move out of my way so that I can look around the house?” Oh, she stomped off.
SARAH: He cannot know her name.
KAYLA: “And put some shirt on”. Some shirt. “What, there is only one bathroom in this apartment?” Oh, she is displeased. “There’s only one bathroom.”
SARAH: She’s shook. “Yes, and is there any problem?”
KAYLA: “Excuse me, how can we share the same bathroom?”
SARAH: It’s not that hard. “I don’t have any problem with it.”
KAYLA: “I’m a woman and you’re a men, so we cannot share the same bathroom.” (laughs)
SARAH: Why is this the most redundant thing? “Why and what is the problem?”
KAYLA: “Women have some problems. We cannot say that directly”. Oh my God.
SARAH: Are you talking about periods? (groans).
KAYLA: Emily goes “Okay, okay, cool, cool.”
SARAH: “I will not do anything, I will just take bath and come.”
KAYLA: Oh? “Okay, as long as you don’t check the bathroom.” What?
SARAH: I don’t think that’s what was meant to be said?
KAYLA: I don’t know what – Okay. “I’m going to my room. Don’t ever try to sneak into my room.”
SARAH: So it’s a two-bedroom apartment but there was one person living there? “God, how am I going to stay with her?”
KAYLA: We walk into our room, and we are pissed.
SARAH: Why does it look like a dungeon?
KAYLA: “Why is my dad so careless in these things?” Why is your dad getting your apartment for you? Get your own goddamn apartment.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: “I will call Mom and tell her that I reached California.” Oh, getting on the phone.
SARAH: So you haven’t even told your parents that you’ve landed?
KAYLA: “Hey Mom, I reached California.”
SARAH: (as Emily’s mom) “Emily, is everything okay there?”
KAYLA: “Yes Mom, everything is okay here.”
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Lying bitch.
SARAH: “Honey, I really miss you.” She’s been gone for six hours.
KAYLA: “I miss you too, Mom.”
SARAH: “You have a job interview tomorrow” – Hold on.
BOTH: She doesn’t even have a job yet.
KAYLA: “Yes Mom.”
SARAH: “Then sleep soon, and bye honey. Good night.” Time difference though, it’s probably not that late.
KAYLA: “Bye.” “They should not know that I’m staying with a guy.” So you’re moving to California by yourself but they’re not okay – “Let’s change into my nightdress.” That’s not a dress, but alright. Oh, and we’re sleeping.
“Early morning.” We’re yawning. “Let’s get ready for the interview.” There’s only one bathroom and it’s in the living room.
SARAH: The bathtub is in the living room.
KAYLA: That’s a shame. We’re in the bathroom, here we are. We’re in a towel – (yells) Oh we ran into [our roommate] – We’re both in towels, we’re panning up, we’re both so embarrassed.
SARAH: Oh no. “Wow, she looks hot.” Are we saying that out loud?
KAYLA: And we’re panning up his body. Ohhh. Oh shit, “He looks hot.” Emily, what are you doing? Either we break the silence, or we let him break the silence.
SARAH: I think we should do it because then it’s like, hey what are you doing in my bathroom, not oh you look cute, you know?
KAYLA: We’re breaking the silence. “Eh-hem”. Good silence break, Emily. “Sorry I didn’t know that you were inside.”
SARAH: “It’s okay, I didn’t lock the door, so it’s my fault.”
KAYLA: “I am going.”
BOTH: (yelling) We’re running.
KAYLA: She runs.
SARAH: It’s so funny.
KAYLA: “Shit, he saw me almost half-naked and I saw him almost half-naked.”
SARAH: Almost half-naked.
KAYLA: A third naked. “It’s time for the interview. I have to see whether he left the bathroom.” Oh so we ran away and now we’re just going – Oh my God.
SARAH: It’s a bad plan.
KAYLA: “Thank God he left.” He’s going to see us so naked.
SARAH: “After some time…”
KAYLA: Okay, apparently we showered. We’ve got to pick an outfit.
SARAH: Outfit options.
KAYLA: That’s not work-appropriate.
SARAH: That’s not appropriate for an interview.
KAYLA: It’s lacy and everything, no no. Oh, we’ve got a nice pink blazer.
SARAH: A blazer, okay.
KAYLA: Very Legally Blonde. And a black shirt.
SARAH: May be appropriate for work depending on your dress code.
KAYLA: This one looks the most professional, it’s like a black blazer.
SARAH: I like the black, I think it’s very professional-looking.
KAYLA: I like how we’re saying “That’s not appropriate for work” after we just did an episode on “You shouldn’t tell people what to wear.”
SARAH: Yup.
KAYLA: But also, they weren’t, okay?
SARAH: But also, she was going to have these expectations and if she wants to get hired, she needs to meet them, unfortunately.
KAYLA: “It’s time to go. How will I face him when I go outside? I don’t even know his name.” (laughs)
SARAH: This is so funny, that’s just so funny. Oh, he’s in a suit. He looks good.
KAYLA: Fancy boy.
SARAH: Nice. “Actually I am sorry about that thing.”
KAYLA: “Now onwards, please lock the door and take bath.”
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: “And may I know your name?”
SARAH: “I asked you first yesterday.”
KAYLA: That’s true, he did ask us yesterday. “I am Emily.”
SARAH: “What a beautiful name for such a beautiful girl.”
KAYLA: Oh, we’re so shy.
SARAH: Oh, man.
KAYLA: “Don’t try to flirt with me.” Oh how ace of her “So tell me your name?”
SARAH: “I am Allan.”
KAYLA: “So are you a businessman?”
SARAH: “I am a manager.”
KAYLA: “That’s awesome.” (laughs)
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: “Okay Allan, now move out of my way so that I can go for my interview.”
SARAH: She can’t just walk past him?
KAYLA: (laughing) Move out of my way. Such a pushy girl. Oh my God, her interview’s going to be with him. Calling it.
SARAH: Oh my God. I love that outfit.
KAYLA: “Excuse me. I am here for an interview.”
SARAH: (as receptionist) “Can you please tell me your name?” Her name is Bliss.
KAYLA: “Emily.”
SARAH: “Your dad told everything about you.”
KAYLA: Why is her dad getting her a job?
SARAH: We’re a spoiled bitch. “You are appointed, and you will be working with your partner.” Oh he’s got to be her partner.
KAYLA: Okay, so they just didn’t even interview, we walk in and because of our dad, we just got a job. “Thank you so much.”
SARAH: “Hello Cassie, please come to my room.” She’s on the phone. “She will be coming.” Oh my God, this is all unnecessary dialogue.
KAYLA: Okay, Cassie is here. “Hey Bliss, what’s the matter?”
SARAH: “This is Emily, she is going to be your new partner.”
KAYLA: “Hey Cassie.”
SARAH: (in a nasal voice) “Hey.” That’s my Cassie voice.
KAYLA: Okay.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: (as Bliss) “So please help her with the new project.” (as Cassie) “Okay.” (laughs)
KAYLA: Voice actors, I’m telling you. “Meanwhile…” Oh, I’ll be Gabe. This is Gabe talking to Allan. (as Gabe) “Allan, you told us that you got married and you haven’t introduced” –
SARAH: (yells) What?
KAYLA: “And you haven’t introduced your wife to me at all.”
SARAH: (as Allan) “She is at a station and she cannot come here.” What does that mean?
KAYLA: (as narrator) “For your information, when Allan joined this company, the MD told that they will only appoint married person.”
SARAH: That’s not legal.
KAYLA: Yeah, that’s not – “So Allan told a lie that he got married. Everyone in this company is married except for him.” (as Gabe) “You’re always telling an excuse.”
SARAH: “What can I do for that?”
KAYLA: “I’m starting to doubt that you’re not married at all.”
SARAH: Here’s the thing though. I think this is written by someone who not only [doesn’t have] English as a first language, but they’re kind of mixing lots of different cultural norms together and so from an American perspective, it doesn’t make sense.”
KAYLA: I’m just confused. “We’re having a party tomorrow night, so if you are really married, bring your wife to this party.”
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: “If you are not, then I will tell everyone that you are not married.” Oh my God, the tea.
SARAH: “Gabe, please stop. Don’t do anything like that.” “Shit, what am I going to do?”
KAYLA: “After work”
SARAH: Let’s be real though, this is about to be a fake dating trope, and that’s exciting.
KAYLA: We love a fake dating trope. (as Emily) “God, I am so tired.”
SARAH: But we’re making it as not –
KAYLA: So we can’t do that. Okay, so we’re back home, and Emily is so tired. “He is watching TV. Let me change into my nightdress.” She just like, walked through him.
(10:00)
SARAH: Yeah, she did. (laughs)
KAYLA: “At least tomorrow is Saturday and I will have some time to take rest.”
SARAH: She started on a Friday? Her first day at work was a Friday?
KAYLA: “Let’s watch TV.” Now we’re watching TV with the future hubbie.
SARAH: “Why are you here?”
KAYLA: I live here, bitch. “This is my house too, so I too have the rights to watch TV.”
SARAH: “Okay, your wish. I really don’t care.” Their legs are like on top of each other.
KAYLA: Is she just proportionally made bigger than him?
SARAH: I don’t know.
KAYLA: “This channel is so boring, please change something.”
SARAH: “No way, I am not going to change this channel.”
KAYLA: “Allan, stop this shit and give me the remote.”
SARAH: “What if I say no?”
KAYLA: “Then I have to grab it from you.” Are they going to wrestle?
SARAH: I see where this is going.
KAYLA: Oh no, she just grabbed it.
SARAH: “Emily, give me the remote.”
KAYLA: “No. What will you do?”
SARAH: “Now give me the remote.”
KAYLA: “Noooo.”
SARAH: “Then I will take it from you.”
KAYLA: “Let’s see how you’re gonna take it.” Oh, this is sexual. “I just put the remote inside my bra.”
SARAH: Oh God. “What are you doing?”
KAYLA: “Let’s see how you’re gonna take it.”
SARAH: “I will really take it from you.”
KAYLA: “Of course you can’t.”
SARAH: “Okay then.” (pause) Oh?
KAYLA: Oh. “What are you doing?”
SARAH: “Now give me the remote or else I have to take it from you.” I hate how repetitive this is.
KAYLA: “No way, whoa. Now move away from me.”
SARAH: “Oh shit, she’s so beautiful.” That’s his thought. “I won’t move til you give me the remote.”
KAYLA: This is just – “Allan, please move. I am not feeling comfortable.”
SARAH: Oh my God. “Emily, you’re going to put the remote in your bra? Until you give me the remote-”
KAYLA: “No.”
SARAH: Here’s the thing though. She told him that if he wants it, he has to come get it from her, and then she puts it in her bra. What does she expect?
KAYLA: I don’t know.
SARAH: “Then I am going to take it.” Oh my God, repetitive.
KAYLA: (Emily narrating) “Allan’s hands were leaning towards my breasts, and then he stopped. Our faces were really close and we saw each other’s eyes and passion. Allan’s lips were close to mine and then he came closer and then –“
BOTH: They kissed.
KAYLA: Ugh. We didn’t have a choice.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: “He just pulled my hips and kissed me so deeply. I ran my fingers through his hair and Allan started to lift my top and I just push him away from me.”
SARAH: Then why did you –
KAYLA: I don’t know. “Why did you kiss me?”
SARAH: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do it like that.”
KAYLA: “You want the remote, right? Just wait. Here.”
SARAH: “Thanks. I’m sorry again.” What?
KAYLA: You can’t just do something like than and then be like uh, sorry. “I am going.” She’s not dressed, where’s she going?
SARAH: “Oh God, I am really into her. Shit Allan, what are you doing?”
KAYLA: Oh my God, this is so stupid. “Oh shit, why did you kiss him back, Amelia?”
SARAH: Her name is not Amelia.
KAYLA: “Am I really into him? No, I am not.”
SARAH: What is happening? Give us choices.
KAYLA: I want to choose my shitty adventure.
SARAH: (sings) Choose your shitty –
KAYLA: “Is things going right with Allan? What will happen next? See you in the next episode.”
SARAH: Ugh, I’m dying.
KAYLA: I hate this. (pause) Alright, we’re back at it. We’re at work, but we’re still in our nightdress, so I don’t know. “Thank God there is not –“ Oh no, just kidding. “Thank God we’re not going to work today. I want to have a shower. Let’s check whether he is in the bathroom.” There’s easy ways to get around sharing a bathroom with people. “He is not here. Let’s have a shower.” Ten bucks she doesn’t close the door.
SARAH: Now she’s in a bathing suit.
KAYLA: It’s underwear, but it’s a bathing suit and now we’re in a towel. Now we’re in different clothes.
SARAH: She’s in different pajamas.
KAYLA: “To whom is Allan talking to?”
SARAH: “Tell me Gabe.”
KAYLA: (as Gabe) “You know we have a party tonight, right?”
SARAH: “Yeah, I remember.”
KAYLA: “You have to bring your wife too.”
SARAH: “Okay.” That’s just like – You can’t ask someone to do that.
KAYLA: “If not, then you know what I will do?”
SARAH: “Yeah, I know.”
KAYLA: This is so weird.
SARAH: Oh he’s going to repeat –
KAYLA: “Okay then, bye.”
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: “Oh gosh, what am I gonna do?”
KAYLA: (as Emily) “Is something wrong, Allan?”
SARAH: “Nothing, you may go.”
KAYLA: “Oh come on, tell me.”
SARAH: “Wait a minute, I think I have an idea.”
KAYLA: “Tell me, Allan.” Oh come on Allan, what are you still thinking about?
SARAH: He doesn’t have a brain, that’s why.
KAYLA: Yeah. “Okay fine, if you don’t want to tell me anything, it’s fine. I’m going.”
SARAH: I like how they never specify where they’re going. “Wait.”
KAYLA: “Now what?”
SARAH: “Actually, I have a problem.”
KAYLA: “I don’t care a shit about that.”
SARAH: (yells) You just asked him. “And you are the only one who can help me with it.”
KAYLA: “What is it?”
SARAH: “I told everyone in my office that I got married.”
KAYLA: “What? You got married?”
SARAH: “No, it’s just a lie.”
KAYLA: “Oh, phew.”
SARAH: “We are having an office party today and they told me that I should bring my wife too.”
KAYLA: “Ha ha ha” I’m laughing so hard.
SARAH: “This is not funny.”
KAYLA: “Why do you have to tell a lie? Now you have so much problem.”
SARAH: “It is because the MD said he will only appoint married person. I really wanted to join in that company, that’s why I told the lie.”
KAYLA: “Okay, okay. Relax. Is everyone married in your office?”
SARAH: “Yes.”
KAYLA: “Wow. So what do you want me to do?”
SARAH: She didn’t ask you. Okay. “Actually, I want you to act as my wife.”
KAYLA: (gasps) “What? Your wife?”
SARAH: “Yeah.”
KAYLA: Oh, she ran away.
SARAH: “Emily, wait.”
BOTH: He’s running after her.
SARAH: Sprinting.
KAYLA: Running.
SARAH: No, it’s like a jog, you know?
KAYLA: “Is he freaking crazy? He just know me for idiotic two days and he is asking me to act as his wife. He kissed me yesterday as I am his girlfriend, and now he is asking me like this.” What?
SARAH: “Emily, please open the door.”
KAYLA: “Get lost, Allan. I don’t want to talk to you.”
SARAH: “I am sorry Emily, I shouldn’t have asked you like that.”
KAYLA: I feel like he asked in a fine manner, I don’t know.
SARAH: “But you are the only one who can help me.”
KAYLA: “Ugh”
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: “Please, I don’t know any girls in Los Angeles.” (laughs) “The only girl I know is you, Emily.”
KAYLA: When he tells you he’s the only girl he’s talking to.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: “Please think me as your friend and help me.”
KAYLA: Please give us a decision to make. “Wait a minute.” God, if I can’t make a decision soon I’m going to scream.
SARAH: Oh she went back. “Please, Emily.”
KAYLA: [She’s] sighing.
SARAH: Oh, he’s on his knees begging. “Please, Emily.”
KAYLA: “Okay, okay. Get up.”
SARAH: “Please, if you don’t help me, I will lose my job.”
KAYLA: “Okay, I accept.”
SARAH: I wanted a choice. “Thank you very much.”
KAYLA: “It’s okay. You have to do something for me, since I am helping you.”
SARAH: “What is it?”
KAYLA: “You have to put on nail polish on my hands and legs after we come from the party.”
SARAH: (laughs) Who paints legs with nail polish?
KAYLA: Oh my gosh. Oh, he’s so shy.
SARAH: “Okay.”
KAYLA: Oh, we’re giggling. “So when is the party?”
SARAH: Tonight.
KAYLA: “Okay.”
SARAH: “Actually I want to buy you a new dress for the party.”
KAYLA: What? You what? Oh, so shy. “Okay, then we will get ready.”
SARAH: We?
KAYLA: What is happening? “He is so nice.”
SARAH: Oh my God. I feel like we’re only getting to choose what she wears.
KAYLA: I know, this is stupid.
SARAH: (as Emily) “What can I wear to the shopping mall?”
KAYLA: Okay, we have a black dress, we have a blue top and some black pants, little red dress –
SARAH: Who goes shopping wearing something that fancy?
KAYLA: We have a green top that’s also quite fancy.
SARAH: I think we should wear the blue top, because it’s the most realistic for going to a mall.
KAYLA: That’s true. We’ll wear this. (pause) Oh my God, why is Allan dressed like that?
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: He has black pants, a black jacket and sunglasses. “He looks so handsome.”
SARAH: “Wow, she looks sexy.”
KAYLA: “Stop staring at me.”
SARAH: “As if you were not doing that.”
KAYLA: “Can we please go?”
SARAH: “Okay.”
KAYLA: (laughs) You hate your Allan voice. “So you don’t talk or flirt with girls in your office?”
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: “Actually, I don’t trust girls usually. Until you accepted with me today –“ Okay, hold on, hold on.
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: He’s known this girls for two days. And he –
KAYLA: This is the girl he’s chosen to trust.
SARAH: He’s trusting her?
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: That doesn’t seem like it’s correct. “At first when I saw you, I really didn’t like you. And when I kissed you yesterday, I really don’t know what got into me. When you accepted to act as my wife to everyone at my office, I really started trusting you –“
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: What a thing to say. “Oh, and do you have any girlfriends” (yells) No, he just said –
SARAH: (yells) Oh my God, he just said that. “I told that I don’t trust girls, so how will I have a girlfriend? There will be a girl flirting with me always in my office, she is so annoying.”
KAYLA: But that doesn’t make sense, because everyone in the office is married?
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: Oh, yep.
SARAH: “And she’s also married.”
KAYLA: “Wow, she’s married and she’s flirting with Allan.”
SARAH: “What are you thinking about?”
KAYLA: “Nothing. I was just thinking what I can wear for the party.”
SARAH: “I am the one who is going to select a dress for your party.” (yells) No.
KAYLA: (yells) Why is he picking her clothes? “Okay.” That’s not okay. I would like to say no, please.
SARAH: She needs to pick the least sexual thing.
KAYLA: “You just wait here and I’ll go select –“ Oh no, sorry.
SARAH: “You just wait here and I’ll go select a dress.”
KAYLA: Okay. What the hell?
SARAH: She’s calling someone.
(20:00)
KAYLA: Emily, “Let’s go and see some dresses too.”
SARAH: Oh she’s looking at her phone. “Emily, where are you going?”
KAYLA: “Oh, you are here.”
SARAH: “Where were you going?”
KAYLA: “I thought of seeing some dresses too.”
SARAH: “I got you some dresses, you have to try those.”
KAYLA: Why is he possessive?
SARAH: “They are the same dress but a different color.” Oh my God.
KAYLA: That’s so lame.
SARAH: (yells) You’re giving us so few options.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: I think we should just write the rest of this.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Hold on, let’s pick this dress first.
KAYLA: Okay. We’ve got an ugly ruffle dress, “How is it?”
SARAH: Wait, we don’t even get to pick the color?
KAYLA: He said it looks good.
SARAH: Oh, she’s going to go try the other one. Wow. Okay, she’s walking, he’s on his phone. Ugh, I’m bored.
KAYLA: Oh now there’s a red ruffly dress.
SARAH: That’s definitely brown.
KAYLA: Well, it’s ugly either way.
SARAH: Okay, you know what? We’re going to decide, we’re going to decide what’s gong to happen next.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: They’re clearly not giving us any choices. Kayla, what’s going to happen next? So she’s going to go with him?
KAYLA: So are we thinking what’s actually going to happen, or us making it the least sexual?
SARAH: Oh no, we’re going to make it the least sexual as humanly possible. Even though this is a trope that I quite enjoy.
KAYLA: Yeah, we love a fake dating trope.
SARAH: Okay, so they’re going to go, right?
KAYLA: Yep, to the work party.
SARAH: To the work party, and they are going to try to act like they’re married, but they’re going to be shit at it.
KAYLA: Yeah, she’s going to be all like, oh I’m so uncomfortable. And he’s going to be like, oh Gabe, I’m so married.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: And then Gabe’s going to be like, sounds fake –
BOTH: But okay.
KAYLA: No, Gabe is totally going to buy it because seems like an idiot.
SARAH: Gabe seems pretty stupid.
KAYLA: But then ooh –
SARAH: The girl who was flirting with him –
KAYLA: Yes, is going to flirt with him at the party, and then – Oh wait, we’re making it not sexual.
SARAH: Well, it can be sexual for him, just not for her.
KAYLA: But I was saying that if the girl was flirting with him that she would get jealous.
SARAH: Oh right, yeah. No.
KAYLA: But that’s –
SARAH: That wouldn’t work.
KAYLA: That’s not making it not sexual.
SARAH: I think the girl is going to flirt with him, and then he’s going to fall in love with the girl that’s flirting with him, but she’s married.
KAYLA: Ooooh.
SARAH: I think it’s going to turn into that, and then this other girl – so she, so Allan and what’s her face, Emily?
KAYLA: Are roommates.
SARAH: They’re going to become good friends. And Emily is going to help Allan try and get this girl, try and break up the marriage. (laughs)
KAYLA: Oh my God, so she’ll – Listen, okay. Oh we’re invested.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: How are we so much more exciting than the whole thing was?
SARAH: This is so much better than all of that pain we just went through for the past twenty minutes.
KAYLA: Sorry for making you listen to that, but here’s the tea. So, Allan falls in love with the girl in the office who was flirting with him, but she’s married so Emily goes undercover to flirt with her husband, and to break them up. So she can get the husband to fall in love with her –
SARAH: Oh, so she’s flirting with the woman at the office’s husband?
KAYLA: Yeah, but not for real, because she’s ace. She’s just doing it to break them up. Sarah just took a very ugly picture on my phone. We’ll post it on Twitter.
SARAH: So yeah, but she’s not very good at flirting, because she can only do it accidentally.
KAYLA: (excited) Oh oh oh. Okay yeah, so the fake flirting’s bad but also the girl that was flirting with Allan – Let’s give her a name.
SARAH: Uh, Judith.
KAYLA: Okay, so – That’s my grandma’s name.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: So Judith starts liking Allan back, but she can’t go out to see him, because then her husband will know. So she and Emily, who also become better friends, Emily’s like hey, come over to my apartment and we’ll hang out, but no one else knows that they’re accidental roommates so really, she’s coming over to hang out with Allan but Emily’s like, oh come over to my apartment.
SARAH: Right, so they’re all in on this?
KAYLA: Yeah, except the husband.
SARAH: So then do you think they’re successful?
KAYLA: I – (pause) No.
SARAH: I think they might be unsuccessful. I think the husband – Does the husband find out about it?
KAYLA: I don’t know, I just think Emily sucks so bad at fake flirting –
SARAH: Yeah, she’s probably really bad at it.
KAYLA: That it’ll just be so awkward.
SARAH: Yeah, it’ll just fail. So I think what’s going to happen is that Allan and Judith are just going to have an affair, and it’s just going to be sad because –
KAYLA: No one likes an affair.
SARAH: Yeah. And then, I think – Hold on. Are they going to remain roommates?
KAYLA: I don’t know. Maybe Allan and Judith have this affair, and it doesn’t end well, Judith goes back to her husband, Allan’s really sad. And then Allan’s like wait, I’m gay.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: I’ve loved Gabe this whole time and I was just trying to make Gabe jealous. So then they stay roommates, because Emily’s like, that’s great, I’m ace and he’s gay, and what a perfect queer pair (excited) and then they get a QPR.
SARAH: (laughs) They get a QPR, but then he’s like, I’m still into Gabe so then they try it again –
KAYLA: This part’s a sequel, this is book 2. So book 1 ends with their QPR. But then book 2, we enter and he’s like man, I still really like Gabe. So Emily’s like wait, I can totally do it this time, I swear.
SARAH: I’ve learned.
KAYLA: And Allan is like, no you can’t. But no one can stop Emily, she’s so persistent so she’s like, I’m going to go find Gabe’s husband, I guess?
SARAH: Or I mean, it could be wife.
KAYLA: Or a wife, he could be bi. Gabe’s partner, and she’s like, I’m going to get that partner and it’s just the whole scenario.
SARAH: But then, but then –
KAYLA: But then –
SARAH: It turns into –
KAYLA: Give it to me.
SARAH: A four-way QPR.
KAYLA: That’s not where I thought you were going and this is better than –
SARAH: A four-way QPR. Kayla, Kayla –
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: This is Emily we’re talking about.
KAYLA: Okay, but how is it a four-way QPR if Allan and Gabe actually have feelings for each other? That’s not a QPR.
SARAH: Yeah, but they’re – It’s just complicated, it’s a bit of a chain, because you have Allan and Gabe are in a relationship, and then Gabe and his partner are in a relationship but then they’re all in a QPR with Emily.
KAYLA: Is that – Can you be in a sexual relationship and a QPR at the same time with different people?
SARAH: I think so, because it’s just like polyamory just without the -amory.
KAYLA: That’s true. Okay, so everyone is poly, Gabe and his partner are still together, Gabe and Allan are together, Allan and Emily have a QPR, Emily and the partner have a QPR, Emily and Gabe have a QPR.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Emily has a QPR with herself.
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: Like the woman in Europe that literally got married to herself.
SARAH: I think that is so much more interesting than what we just had to experience.
KAYLA: We should make – I know we talked about this, but we should make that Episode. I actually made a Episode for something for a class, it was a Harry Potter one. It wasn’t sexual at all, just Harry Potter.
SARAH: I think that is, that’s the one right there. That should be how it ends. So this didn’t really work how we wanted it to work at all.
KAYLA: No, it was – No.
SARAH: But you know what? We came up with a great story.
KAYLA: What should we name our story?
SARAH: Uh, Ace.
KAYLA: No, that’s a bad name.
SARAH: QPRs for everyone.
KAYLA: QPR me, papi.
SARAH: That’s definitely a spoiler for book 2.
KAYLA: Yeah, God. No, QPR comes at the end of book 1. I guess they both end with QPRs. Okay, so this is like a 20 book series –
SARAH: It’s like The Babysitter’s Club.
KAYLA: And at the end of every book, they just add more to the QPR, at the end of every book.
SARAH: Yes, and then it becomes like, thirty people.
KAYLA: The entire world, by the end of it, is in one QPR.
SARAH: The entire city of Los Angeles.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: And then eventually they end up in a QPR with Judith and her husband –
KAYLA: It all comes around.
SARAH: It all comes back full circle.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Wow. What an interesting time that was. Moral of the story: People who make Episodes stories, give us more options.
KAYLA: Yeah, we were really spoiled I think with the first Episode we did, we had a lot of options.
SARAH: So many options. Whereas this is more like you’re just reading a Wattpad story, it’s not so much –
KAYLA: Which is – I mean that is what Episodes is.
SARAH: It is, but I want to create my own adventure.
KAYLA: I also want, I do want my own adventure.
SARAH: So we just created it on our own.
KAYLA: You’re welcome, everyone.
SARAH: You’re welcome. What’s our poll?
KAYLA: You know, I was thinking about that, and I don’t have one. Maybe it should just be totally unrelated.
SARAH: We should throw everyone off. We should have a totally unrelated poll –
KAYLA: To make them listen –
SARAH: To make them listen.
KAYLA: To make them listen to this terrible episode. This might be the worst one yet.
SARAH: It’s possible. How are we going to redeem it? We’ve got to redeem it right now.
KAYLA: It’s possible that this is my least favorite thing we’ve ever done.
SARAH: We’re going to redeem it right now, with this poll.
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: Poll. Option 1 –
KAYLA: Was there a question or just options?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Oh, mystery poll. This will get them in. We’ll be like, this is a mystery poll that you’ll only understand if you listen to the very end of the episode. We are click-baiters.
SARAH: That’s it. Option 1, macaroni and cheese. Option 2, an empty Sephora box.
KAYLA: A box? Oh, it’s not empty, to be fair.
SARAH: Yeah, but we’re going to call it empty.
KAYLA: Okay. Macaroni cheese, empty Sephora box –
SARAH: Sherlock Holmes hat.
KAYLA: That’s too long.
SARAH: Sherlock hat.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And the last one is –
KAYLA: Gingham.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Gingham? It’s the pattern of clothes with checkers, it’s the fabric that the checkered clothes is made out of. Gingham. So here’s the thing.
SARAH: We started out friends, it was all pretend, yeah yeah.
(30:00)
KAYLA: No no no. So if you came here from the poll, because we said that it was a mystery poll that you’d only understand til the end –
SARAH: Don’t spoil it.
KAYLA: I mean, it was not false that you wouldn’t understand it until you got here, because now you do understand it.
SARAH: You understand that there is no understanding.
KAYLA: However, we apologize that we clickbaited you to get you here, however, this was just a really bad episode.
SARAH: I apologize for this episode. Honestly though, when we listen back and edit it, I often find they’re more entertaining than I thought they were.
KAYLA: Yeah, sometimes I listen to us and I’m like, we’re funny.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And then I’m like, I amuse myself.
SARAH: So that’s the poll, you can find it @soundsfakepod. You can also find us on Tumblr, soundsfakepod.tumblr.com or you can email us soundsfakepod@gmail.com.
KAYLA: Send your complaints. Smash that unsubscribe button, send your complaints.
SARAH: Send a link to the Episode that you’re going to write, which has lots of options.
KAYLA: Yeah. What if someone – Okay, what’s it called?
SARAH: I don’t know.
KAYLA: Okay, hold on. When you, like – Oh, commission. We will give you a nickel if you write an Episode about me and Sarah on an ace adventure, with lots of options, and then send us that link. So the app is called Episodes, go find it.
SARAH: If you want a visual reference for what we look like, you can find our own Twitters – Heeyyyy.
KAYLA: Promo.
SARAH: Yeah, that’d be great. We’ll give you a nickel from each of us, so a dime.
KAYLA: So we’ll give you a nickel from each of us, we’ll Venmo it to you, we’ll mail it to you, we will get it to you. Make an Episode with lots of options –
SARAH: What if they’re from somewhere that doesn’t have American currency?
KAYLA: Whatever of your currency is closest to an American nickel.
SARAH: Okay. Or a dime.
KAYLA: Or a dime.
SARAH: I have a couple of euro coins.
KAYLA: I think I have some yen somewhere.
SARAH: I have some Czech crowns and I have some pounds.
KAYLA: Anyway, so that’s our commission, please send us the link to that when you make it and we’ll play it.
SARAH: Great.
KAYLA: And it’ll be better than this.
SARAH: And guys, big news. We have some new patrons –
KAYLA: It’s very exciting.
SARAH: We have a $2 patron, her name is Sara Jones 32.10, thank you Sara Jones even though you spell your name wrong.
For our $5 patrons, we have Jennifer Smart, you can find her on YouTube by looking up Lehen Productions. Then we have Asritha Vinnakota, you can find her on Instagram by looking up @asritha_v. Then we have Austen Le, he’d like to promote the Twitch channel twitch.tv/k4iley.
KAYLA: I saw her, Kailey with a 4 – She’s a fan of Jenna and Julien too, I saw her on Twitch the other day and I was like (gasps) I promote you.
SARAH: I promote you. Incredible. We also have Drew Finney, you can find him on Twitter @midwest_drew. Drew, now that I’m not in the Mid West, I just really appreciate your handle.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: It just makes me nostalgic for a week ago, when I was in the Mid West.
KAYLA: Aw.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Emotions.
SARAH: No.
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: We have two $10 patrons now, we got a new $10 patron.
KAYLA: Oh my gosh.
SARAH: So our first one is still Emma Fink, you can find her on YouTube by looking up Emma T Fink, then we also have Tristan Call, I think is how it’s pronounced?
KAYLA: Let us know.
SARAH: That is how it would be pronounced in German.
KAYLA: Thank you, Sarah.
SARAH: But they want to spotlight their friend Harley who is an awesome agendered aro-ace person. All the As, we love you Harley. And they’re an artist, and they’re known by rationallyparanoid across most social, but mostly DeviantArt and Tumblr, which is great, it’s good stuff.
KAYLA: Woo.
SARAH: Woohoo. We love Harley, and we love Tristan, and we love Sara even though she doesn’t spell her name right and all of the other people, but they know that already, we’ve been saying their names forever.
(pause)
BOTH: (laugh)
SARAH: Um, yup. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
SARAH: Boop.