Ep 161: Rewriting Songs About Romance and Sex
Listen to Ep 161: Rewriting Songs About Romance and Sex here!
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SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: re-writing love songs.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: M’ambo Number 5. I’m almost positive I’ve done that before.
SARAH: A little bit of M’innie in my life. A little bit of M’ickey by her side.
KAYLA: A little bit of M’onica—
SARAH: A little bit of Donald.
KAYLA: We get it, Sarah, you only know the Disney version. We get it.
SARAH: Howdy. Kayla, we have housekeeping. We keep this house.
KAYLA: We have some news for this house. Are we thinking of the same thing?
SARAH: Yeah, I think so.
KAYLA: Okay. I don’t know if there was something that you knew that I didn’t.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Sarah and I are having a baby. We’re both pregnant with one baby.
SARAH: Together, we’re both having one baby. What is the baby you ask? It’s a book.
KAYLA: Issa book.
SARAH: We’re writing a book. And now the gestation period for this book baby is a while.
KAYLA: In the species of writer that we have become, the gestation period is longer than the average human.
SARAH: Yeah, so currently we’re looking at Spring 2023.
KAYLA: Oop.
SARAH: Fall 2022 at the absolute earliest but don’t get your hopes up.
KAYLA: Which is only because we haven’t started writing it yet.
SARAH: We haven’t started writing it yet. But listen.
KAYLA: But everyone knew that when we got into it. So, the lovely people at JKP who are the people who published Bex’s book How to Be Ace, we had Bex on several episodes ago, they reached out to us and said, “hey would you like to book?” and we said, “I mean, yes, we would love to book.” So we’re going to book.
SARAH: We announced this on our social media couple days ago and there has been a bit of confusion I noticed in the Discord. I didn’t correct it because I was tired, I didn’t feel like it. It is not a novel. It is a non-fiction book.
KAYLA: It is much closer to Ace by Angela Chen then it is to Loveless by Alice Osman.
SARAH: Yes. Correct. So just putting that on the record.
KAYLA: Don’t get hype for some fiction because that’s not what we’re doing at this time.
SARAH: I mean, I’m writing fiction always.
KAYLA: I’m not.
SARAH: It’s probably going to see the light of day so.
KAYLA: Well. It’s only on Archive of Our Own. That’s it.
SARAH: Shhh.
KAYLA: What? But yeah, so we’re writing a book, it’s going to be non-fiction about the aspec lens and asexual relationships and friendship and all of that good stuff.
SARAH: And we gotta write it.
KAYLA: And we have to write it. But we’re documenting our experience so that eventually when it comes out, we can share with you what it was like writing it.
SARAH: Mm hmm. And that has been the news portion.
KAYLA: I can’t think of any other news.
SARAH: Okay. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we’re doing another musical episode because for some reason you all really like the music episodes.
SARAH: I don’t know why you do but you do.
KAYLA: I mean music, it just —
SARAH: Transcends.
KAYLA: Joins the world you know. So I think this is going to be a lot similar to the episode where we talked about why famous love songs are not about love.
SARAH: Or not about romantic love.
KAYLA: But this time we’ll be taking love songs and making them about something else entirely.
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SARAH: Just changing the lyrics because as we’ve discussed on this podcast, most songs are in some way about romantic love or sex, and I wish there were more songs that weren’t. And so we’re going to take the most famous love songs and—
KAYLA: Make them about anything else.
SARAH: Remix ‘em a little bit for your listening pleasure.
KAYLA: Mm hmm.
SARAH: I came up with this idea at like 2 in the morning and I texted Kayla. I was like, I have a deranged pod idea.
KAYLA: Which I feel like how most of our episode ideas come to be at this point is just late-night Sarah.
SARAH: I thought of my first example and I had to tell you.
KAYLA: I feel like one of our most famous episodes, at least within the community, “Things to do instead of being aphobic” was Sarah high on prescribed medication. When they say artistry comes out of torture, I know that we shouldn’t think that way because then it promotes the idea of people to have mental issues just for the sake of art.
SARAH: Trust me I wish I didn’t have mental issues.
KAYLA: In this case, our high art comes from—
SARAH: Just struggling.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: Things coming to the front of my brain that don’t make any fucking sense. So, on that note, do we want to start? I can start with the one I sent you at 2 in the morning. Now, we all know the famous Elvis Presley song covered by many well, some bad I assume, the wonderful song “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You.” The line continues. I was in my bedroom, it was 2 am and I was like, (singing) “I can’t help falling in pickle juice.” If there’s pickle juice, it’s slippery, okay?
KAYLA: As slippery as any other juice I think for sure.
SARAH: Maybe even slipperier. Those gherkins really getcha.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And so, that just came into my mind and now this episode is here. So I can’t help falling in pickle juice, something to keep in mind. Also notable is that changing song lyrics is that many of my family members do.
KAYLA: It’s a Costello staple. At one point, I don’t know if we — it feels like something we addressed on an episode — but at one point, Sarah was fighting with me about the lyrics to a particular song. And she texted me some lyrics and I didn’t recognize them. And she was like, “this is such a famous song, how do you not know these lyrics blah blah blah, “ and I was like, I know the song, I just don’t remember those lyrics. And she texted back a couple of minutes later realizing that her father had come up with that set of lyrics and changed them. It was not the real lyrics to the song.
SARAH: I knew the real lyrics as well. I just thought that both were in the song and they were not.
KAYLA: Especially adding in the world “squirrel.” I don’t know if you have any squirrels in today’s episode but —
SARAH: I don’t but California Squirrels —
KAYLA: Uptown Squirrel is a big Sarah classic.
SARAH: California squirrels they’re unforgettable. I kissed a squirrel.
KAYLA: Uptown squirrel.
SARAH: Just to try the taste of acorn chapstick.
KAYLA: These are all classics that we’ve known and loved for years.
SARAH: Yeah, so that’s why “I can’t help falling in pickle juice” just came to my mind with no context. That’s all.
KAYLA: Okay. Did you do any of the lyrics for that song?
SARAH: Nope, just that. I can’t help falling in pickle juice. That speaks for itself.
KAYLA: Okay. My first one — I know this isn’t technically a love song but it’s Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande and I’ve written a song instead called Thank You, Chex.
SARAH: Mm hmm.
KAYLA: It’s sort of a love song about my feelings for Chex Mix. Would you like me to tell you my new lyrics that I’ve written for this song?
SARAH: Yeah, I would love to hear them.
KAYLA: So this is the part of the song where she’s like, “One taught me love, one taught me” whatever they taught her. Wow, we’re both going to have to sing in this episode huh?
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SARAH: Yeah I know I was thinking, like how seriously do we want to actually sing?
KAYLA: Not very seriously.
SARAH: Cause I didn’t go seriously on that last one. I don’t want to hurt the ears of our listeners but I also don’t want to be like, let me actually try and sing and people being like, “that sounds bad.”
KAYLA: No I don’t want to actually try cause it’s been a long time since I’ve seriously sang and I don’t want to get embarrassed.
SARAH: My voice is not in peak condition.
KAYLA: It’s not good so I’m not going to actually sing but here we go. Sidenote: look up what the individual pieces of Chex Mix are called. I did some research. I’ll tell you what song it is but at one point I had to look up a recipe for how to cook something.
SARAH: We were supposed to record the pod yesterday, then I was like, I think we need more time to prepare for this.
KAYLA: Honestly, making these songs was the only productive thing I’ve done all day. So.
SARAH: I’m proud of you.
KAYLA: Anyway. Thank You, Chex. One’s a rye chip, one is a pretzel, one’s a breadstick, now it’s so amazing. Say I’ve eaten and lost. But that’s not what I see. Look what I got, look what I bought me. And for that I say, thank you Chex, thank you Chex. So that’s a song about how I feel about Chex Mix.
SARAH: Good, I feel similarly. Except for the breadsticks, I don’t eat those.
KAYLA: They’re the worst piece for sure. The rye chips are obviously the best.
SARAH: I didn’t eat rye chips until college.
KAYLA: (laughing) I got like, really experimental in college. I tried a rye chip.
SARAH: I stopped picking this food out of this food that I already ate.
KAYLA: I’m so exotic. I had a crazy time in college you guys.
SARAH: It’s true, it’s true. Excellent. Beautiful. Do I see a Chex Mix bag behind you?
KAYLA: You do. I have some.
SARAH: Me and Kayla are on FaceTime at the moment.
KAYLA: What you’ll find a theme in a lot of these is I was hungry when I did this so there is a common food theme that you will notice. But I did eat Chex Mix after writing that song cause I was like, that sounds really good right now.
SARAH: Mine are a little bit all over the place to be quite honest.
KAYLA: Tell me more, tell me more.
SARAH: The next one is a classic Taylor Swift song, very timely, she just dropped a new album. I haven’t listened to it yet, I meant to, I was very busy watching BTS videos, but not the BTS videos I wanted to watch. Then my brain was mad at itself because I was like, these aren’t the BTS videos I want to watch. And now it’s 3.30 anyway. Anyway, I haven’t listened to the album is all I mean to say. But this is a classic Taylor Swift. We’ve got Love Story by Taylor Swift.
KAYLA: I almost did this one, but then I was like, too hard.
SARAH: Well, I made it into just kind of a tongue and cheek friendship story.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARA: So of course the original lyrics are “Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone / I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run / You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess / It's a love story, baby, just say, "Yes."” We all know the lyrics, just refreshing your mind. Obviously, the friend version, is: we can keep the “Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone” — Romeo can just be your friend’s name. “I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run,” sure. “You’ll be yourself, and I’ll be myself. It’s a friend story, fella just say yes.”
KAYLA: Fella? Fella!
SARAH: That’s all.
KAYLA: Alright, that’s good.
SARAH: I considered being like “You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the prince’s friend.”
KAYLA I’ll be another prince.
SARAH: I’ll also be a prince! I considered just keeping “You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess” cause you don’t have to be—
KAYLA: You could be brother and sister.
SARAH: Yeah but I felt that—
KAYLA: You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess who is your sister stop looking at me like that we don’t live in Alabama.
SARAH: Well that’s pretty mean to Alabama. Anyway —
KAYLA: It’s a meme.
SARAH: Okay yeah. I thought it might be misconstrued because some people might take it as they’re married to one another.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Or they’re going to marry which is why they’re saying yes. But it’s a friend story, so fella, just say yes.
KAYLA: Just say yes, fella.
SARAH: All there’s left to do is run fella.
KAYLA: Fellaaaa.
SARAH: I could have said buddy like gone full “Santa buddy.”
KAYLA: Oh god, Michael Buble. You can’t do this to me.
SARAH: Michael you know better.
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KAYLA: Okay this next one is actually the one I did have to look up the recipe for just so I could get some help. This is I’d Catch A Grenade for Ya by Bruno Mars.
SARAH: It’s called “Grenade” but okay.
KAYLA: Whatever. I needed to — okay. So the real lyrics are, “I’d catch a grenade for ya.”
SARAH: I’d throw my hand on a blade for ya. I’d jump in front of a train for ya. You know I’d do anything for ya.
KAYLA: I’d take a bullet to the brain. But you won’t do the same — very dramatic Bruno. So I wrote one called “I Made a Souffle For Ya.”
SARAH: Oh wow that’s nice.
KAYLA: But I did look up a souffle recipe so here it goes. “I made a souffle for ya. Separate all the eggs for ya. Beat until it was stiff for ya. You know I’d make anything for ya. I’d all these fine cuts, even make sure the fridge was shut. Yeah I’d make rye for you lady, but you won’t even strut.”
SARAH: Wowww.
KAYLA: I was struggling with my food rhymes at the end.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But that’s my song, “souffle.”
SARAH: That’s incredible. I think I’m going a little bit more true to original song than you are.
KAYLA: Oh I’m absolutely not. Just wait.
SARAH: I’ve been trying very hard to maintain the same number of syllables and stuff.
KAYLA: I got close.
SARAH: And rhyming a little more than you are.
KAYLA: Mine rhymed. Mine definitely rhymed.
SARAH: That’s lovely. I mean I don’t like souffles but.
KAYLA: I don’t know that I do either but.
SARAH: The next one is a classic tune, a great song, by Etta James, “At Last.” What a tune.
KAYLA: I thought you were going to say the same one as me because the next one I’m doing was also an Etta James cover at least but keep going.
SARAH: This is At Last. I considered only changing one word, but then I decided to add another word just to spice it up a bit. The original lyrics are “at last my love has come along my lonely days are over and my life is like a song.” Romantic, whatever, boo. The real approach we want to take. I’m going to sing this cause I really feel it in my soul. I’m not going to sing it seriously. Guys, just warning you.
KAYLA: I thought you were about to stand up.
SARAH: No I’m just straightening myself.
KAYLA: She’s getting ready.
SARAH: I feel like I need to do it opera style.
KAYLA: I think you should.
SARAH (singing): At last, my rescue pug has come along.
KAYLA: That’s not even bad is the problem.
SARAH: And my lonely days are over. And life is like a song now that I have my rescue pug.
KAYLA: That’s very good.
SARAH: I considered just saying pug. But I think rescue pug adds some flavor to it.
KAYLA: It does, it makes you know.
SARAH: So you’re saying, I’m not getting an animal that can’t breed cause I wanted to breed an animal that can’t breed. I rescued this pug. Yeah.
KAYLA: So my next one, the song is called “Sunday Kind of Love,” do you know this song?
SARAH: It sounds familiar, I don’t know that I would know the lyrics.
KAYLA: It was in Jersey Boys. I don’t want to sing it.
SARAH: I don’t know what to tell ya.
KAYLA: You know it’s Etta James’ voice and she’s like “I want a Sunday kind of love / the love that lasts til—”
SARAH: Tuesday. Just Sunday to Tuesday.
KAYLA: “A love that lasts past Saturday night. I know it’s more than love at first sight. I want a Sunday kind of love.” Anyway. Mine is called Sundae with Some Fudge. (singing) I want a sundae with some fudge. The fudge that drips down the sides. I’d also like some chocolate chips. I want a sundae with some fudge. Oooooh.
SARAH: Oh wow.
KAYLA: How is that for you?
SARAH: You know for some reason I thought you meant like Sunday the day of the week with some fudge, like Mackinac Island fudge.
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KAYLA: If you were to see this in my Google Doc, you would see that I changed the spelling of Sunday to the ice cream type.
SARAH: I respect that. I was like what is the fudge dripping down? I don’t know what the fudge is dripping down.
KAYLA: The sides of the sundae cup.
SARAH: I get that now that you’re talking about a sundae. At first, I thought you were talking about classic Mackinac Island fudge. You roll up to Joann’s or Murdock’s or something.
KAYLA: Usually you would be shitposting more and I would be more serious but I feel like we’ve completely reversed on this.
SARAH: Yeah. And you know what? We’re just giving a change up. This is the one where I had to make some changes in the number of syllables.
KAYLA: How dare you? I would never.
SARAH: I’m going to have to sing to this song really quickly to remember what my approach was. Okay. Apparently, I have preemptively decided I’m going to sing this one. So, this is a classic Signed Sealed and Delivered, Stevie Wonder. You know. Here I am baby.
KAYLA (singing): Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: She even did the little hand. Yall are missing out not being here with us on this FaceTime call.
SARAH: So are you ready for my rewrite?
KAYLA: I’ve never been so ready.
SARAH: “Support the USPS, Signed, Sealed Delivered, it’s yours.” Just here to support the USPS, the boys in blue. I’m looking at stamps right now.
KAYLA: I saw a USPS worker in the store the other day and I came very close to saluting them. I really thought about it for a long time and then I didn’t cause that would have been just so stupid but.
SARAH: I’m just here to support the USPS. I sent some mail this holiday season just for them and you know, the recipients of the mail, but mostly for the USPS.
KAYLA: Speaking of saving the USPS, we’ve gotten so many new patrons recently and I feel like it’s because our next goal is to save the USPS. We’re getting kinda close.
SARAH: Wow. That’s exciting.
KAYLA: Just a note.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: My next one is the classic “I’ll Make Love to You.”
SARAH: Wait that’s also my next one. We can see the different approaches.
KAYLA: Okay I can’t even begin to imagine. Okay, so you know, “I’ll make love to you, like you want me to.” Mine is called, “I’ll use Pikachu.”
SARAH: Oh yeah we took very different approaches.
KAYLA: So my lyrics are, “I’ll use Pikachu like Ash wants me to,” Ash from Pokemon. Oh, this one I also had to look up Pikachu’s attacks. I’ll start over. I did a lot of research. “I’ll use Pikachu like Ash wants me to and he’ll thundershock and then we’ll mock. I’ll use Pikachu when Ash wants me to and then we’ll win like Ash told me to.”
SARAH: And then we’ll win like Ash told me to.
KAYLA: Like Ash told me to!
SARAH: Oh wow.
KAYLA: So that’s mine.
SARAH: Mine’s a little shitpost-y. But also not.
KAYLA: Certainly not that bad huh.
SARAH: No, let me just. “I’ll bring drugs to you like you want me to. And I’ll hold you tight, when your mouth bleeds all night.” Because you’ve had your wisdom teeth removed.
KAYLA: Okay I was confused. I was trying to think of what hard drug makes your mouth bleed.
SARAH: Nothing. It’s just your mouth is bleeding cause you had your wisdom teeth removed and you want those drugs cause your mouth is in pain and I will hold you tight and bring you drugs.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I’ll be a drug dispenser for your mouth drug needs.
KAYLA: Yeah!
SARAH: That’s all.
KAYLA: My next one I’m just going to do the title cause I couldn’t come up with any lyrics. It’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.” My new title that I’m currently workshopping is “I Don’t Wanna Eat Some String.”
SARAH: I mean I don’t. You’re not wrong.
KAYLA: I don’t. So, still working on that one.
SARAH: Mm kay. Good. I mean I don’t want to eat string, I wonder if there’s something you could do with string cheese?
KAYLA: Oh, interesting. I hadn’t thought of that.
SARAH: We’ll workshop it. My next one, I had to include this song just for you Kayla.
KAYLA: Oh, this one goes out to Kayla.
SARAH: Now I don’t speak Spanish, Japanese, or French but the way that body’s talkin’ definitely makes sense. Kayla’s making a face. It’s her body, her body, her body language, it’s her body, her body, her body language. A classic by Jesse McCartney. I sang this a lot when we lived in the same room as each other. She didn’t appreciate it.
KAYLA: I didn’t. I didn’t.
SARAH: I’ve only made one change. So the beginning is the same. “I don’t speak Spanish, Japanese, or French but the way that body’s talkin’ definitely makes sense. It’s her body, her body, her body language, it’s American Sign Language.”
KAYLA: Okay!
SARAH: It’ American Sign Language. It’s ASL. And I don’t speak Spanish, Japanese, or French.
KAYLA: Is that really a love song though?
SARAH: I would say it’s about sex.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: It’s about the objectification of women.
KAYLA: Oh okay! Sure.
SARAH: I think that falls under the category romance and sex. Because, you know, he’s talking about her body, her body, her body language. But really it’s American Sign Language.
KAYLA: My next several, really all of mine until my last one, I really got stuck in a rut I think. My first couple I was super excited about. The next several are interesting but we’ll just go with it. My next one is “You Are So Beautiful to meeeee.”
SARAH: I was thinking, [James Blunt voice] “You’re beautiful.”
KAYLA: No I should have done that. This one instead of “You are so beautiful” is called “You are a metaphor.”
SARAH: Oh!
KAYLA: So it goes, “You are a metaphor to me, You are a metaphor to me, Can’t see you, You’re the apple of my eye, there is no apple in my eye, You are a metaphor to me.”
SARAH: There’s no apple in my eye?
KAYLA: Because it’s funny because metaphors aren’t real so I’m saying you’re the apple of me eye but because that’s not what a metaphor is, it’s a figure of speech.
SARAH: I don’t think the apple is normally in your eye.
KAYLA: Shh shhh shshhh shhh shh.
SARAH: Okay, this next one that I have is another one that’s just about sex. Now this one came up because it came on shuffle as I was working on this. And I was like, this is it. It’s the classic, “I Wanna Make Love in this Club ehhh, in this club ehh,” you know, kind of keeps repeating the same lyrics over and over again. And I really channeled your hunger in this moment and I came up with the following: I’m so hungry get me some Grubhub hey some Grubhub hey, some Grubhub hey.
KAYLA: That’s very good.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: My next one is the classic “My Heart Will Go On” obviously. Now this one is a little — there’s a story behind it.
SARAH: Okay, give me the backstory.
KAYLA: So basically it’s you, you told your friend you’re going to meet at a bar at a certain time. And then they seem kind of confused, they’re not showing up on time, but then they get there. Mm kay, that’s the story. This is called “My Liver Will Go On.” “Near, bar, wherever you are, I believe we settled on dawn.” That’s when they said they’ll meet at the bar at dawn. Why’d they meet so early?
SARAH: Dawn? What bar is open at dawn?
KAYLA: You know.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA (singing): Once, more, you open the door, and you’re here in this bar and my liver will go oooooon. Beer can touch us one time and last for a night time. And never let go til we’re blacked. I’ve finished now.
(30:00)
SARAH: Wow. So you’re saying you’re liver will go on and it’s going to have to continue doing its work because you’re going to keep drinking.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Okay. At dawn.
KAYLA: At dawn. You’re meeting at dawn. Maybe you’ve been up all night and this is your final stop, you know?
SARAH: Who is to say? Why’s the person late?
KAYLA: They were coming from a different bar.
SARAH: Overslept.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: This next one I took one of my classic Sarah rhymes and I really embraced it. The song of course is Jesse’s Girl. “You know that I wish that I had Jesse’s girl. Where can I find a woman like that?” Question, a real question for all of us. Now, the approach I decided to take was, you know I wish I had a flying squirrel. I wish I had a flying squirrel.
KAYLA: So there is a squirrel!
SARAH: Where can I find a house pet like that?
KAYLA: Okay but you said there weren’t going to be any squirrels in this episode and you outright lied to me.
SARAH: I certainly forgot. Technically this is a flying squirrel which is not actually a squirrel.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: I wish I had a flying squirrel. Where can I find a house pet like that? I need to know.
KAYLA: Yeah. That’s a good question. My next one is Your Song.
SARAH: It is my song, thank you.
KAYLA: It’s no longer Your Song, it’s actually now Your Gong.
SARAH: Mm!
KAYLA: And you can tell everybody that this is your gong. It might be quite loud but now that it’s rung — that’s a half rhyme —
SARAH: It’s decent.
KAYLA: I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind that I played you this song. How wonderful music is while gongs are smashed.
SARAH (laughing): It ended horribly.
KAYLA: Did it though?
SARAH: Why didn’t you say “while you have a gong?”
KAYLA: Who’s to say!
SARAH: I think I’m a bit of a natural songwriter than you are in this sense. What’s your cat doing I can’t see her.
KAYLA: I have no idea. She seems to have rediscovered the fact that she has a collar. She looks like she’s on something.
SARAH: What were we saying?
KAYLA: You were making fun of my incredibly good song.
SARAH: Oh. I think — you know what I have been thinking about recently?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I wish I could write music but I don’t have the patience to learn the skills to write music.
KAYLA: That’s fair.
SARAH: Why do you have to practice things to be good at them? Why can’t I just be good at them? You know?
KAYLA: I do know.
SARAH: Thinking about that. Is it my turn?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: I went Mariah Carey.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: “You’ll always be a part of me. I’m part of you indefinitely. Boy, don’t you know you can’t escape me? Ooh darlin’, cause you’ll always be my baby.” Now I kept the first 3 lines because that can apply to friendship, or a stalker maybe. You know, “You’ll always be a part of me. I’m part of you indefinitely. Boy, don’t you know you can’t escape me? Cause we bonded on that trip we took to Haiti.”
KAYLA: How did I know you were going to say Haiti?
SARAH: You just really bonded on that trip and you’re kind of a part of each other now. You entwined your lives and it maybe was a short trip in Haiti but you’re bonded forever.”
KAYLA: Yeah. My next one I think you’re really going to hate.
SARAH: Cool!
KAYLA: Instead of “Keep Bleeding,” the classic, “Keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding.”
SARAH: That’s called “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. I thought you meant “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson which is a different song, and I would say not a love song. Get your song titles right.
KAYLA: I changed the title. I’ve changed it anyway. Now it’s “Keep Reading.” “Keep reading, keep keep reading, bruv.”
SARAH: Leona Lewis is British.
KAYLA: “Keep keep reading, bruv.” So that’s.
SARAH: That’s it?
KAYLA: That is it yes.
SARAH: Awright, mate.
KAYLA: Awright bruv. I don’t know if you’re all familiar with my incredible friend Mitt Slomney.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: If you follow me on Twitter, you know. But I was on the phone with our good friend Perry yesterday and Perry happens to know Mitt’s cousin Brit Slomney.
(35:00)
SARAH: Jesus Christ.
KAYLA: And we had a great conversation with Brit Slomney.
SARAH: That’s terrifying and I hate that. I have one more. Honestly, it’s kind of a low place to end on.
KAYLA: Don’t you worry. My ending is incredible. I put my best one last.
SARAH: Okay. Mine I think it just really stands for what I believe in I think. I will not even give you the original lyrics, I will just sing you the changed lyrics. Ahem. “And I will always eat fooooood.” I’ll always eat food.
KAYLA: Wow we really have a theme, don’t we.
SARAH: I will always eat food. My appetite has been fucking weird but you know what. I will always eat food I say as I bite into a nacho.
KAYLA: She’s eating a chip. ASMR. This is my new rendition of Every Breath You Take. It’s called Every Ham You Take. This one goes out to my good friend Sarah on this Saturday night on the radio.
SARAH: Your hamhead buddy.
KAYLA: Every ham you take, every roast you bake, every salt you shake every cake you make, I’ll be eating it. Every single bean and every single poutine, every florentine, every Lightning McQueen, I’ll be eating it.
SARAH: It took a turn.
KAYLA: That’s the last one!
SARAH: Why are we eating Lightning McQueen.
KAYLA: I couldn’t think of another food that rhymed. I got bean, poutine, and florentine and I couldn’t get another.
SARAH: I don’t think all of the words in the original song rhyme.
KAYLA: Well I had take, bake, shake, and make. Then I had bean, poutine, florentine, and Lightning McQueen.
SARAH: *sings Every Break You Take* The last two lines don’t even rhyme.
KAYLA: It doesn’t matter. It’s done.
SARAH: Okay I guess we’re eating Lightning McQueen.
KAYLA: It’s done and you’re mad that you didn’t think of it aren’t you.
SARAH: No. I mean it was beautiful, I’ll give you that.
KAYLA: Every ham you taaake.
SARAH: Every ham you take?
KAYLA: That was the name of the song.
SARAH: Are you stealing the ham?
KAYLA: Originally it was going to be a song about stealing ham and then it took a different turn.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Mm hm.
SARAH: Every roast.
KAYLA: Every roast you bake. I don’t think you bake a roast. I should have switched — hold on. I’m going to switch that. Every roast you make, every cake you bake, every salt you shake, I’ll be eating it. Every single beaaaan. Someone who’s good at singing, I will be asking you to fully record this song. With every single poutine.
SARAH: And a bag of Lays. Every...cob of maize.
KAYLA: I like mine better.
SARAH: Well, mine’s live and off the cob.
KAYLA: Well mine’s Lightning McQueen.
SARAH: Lightning McQueen is good. Excellent. Well, that’s been this episode. What is our poll for this week?
KAYLA: I mean I have absolutely no idea what we’re going to do with this.
(40:00)
SARAH: I would like our listeners to rewrite songs of their own. I want to see what y’all can come up with. Just take a love song and make it not at all a love song. Or make it a love song or platonic as I did with Love Story. It’s a friend story, fella just say yes. Great excellent yeah, I’d like to hear your renditions, see what you can come up with. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: Oh my god! My juice is that our furniture finally came so I am not recording from a closet this week. I’m in my office that I’ve made for myself. I guess this goes into — I have several beeves. One is that I got a desk from Amazon to put together and wouldn’t you know the cheapest desk that I liked was a piece of shit. A lot of pieces don’t fit together, I had to not put in some screws because they made it not work, did a lot of shoving and banging which probably shouldn’t have happened. Took me about 5 hours and I have a lot of bruises.
SARAH: Wow. I think you should sue Jeff Beezbos.
KAYLA: I would love to. My other beef is men. I don’t want any Not All Men-ers up in here, you know which men I mean. So, calm down. Some of you are fine but I’m not talking about you right now. The other day I was at Walmart and I left Walmart and this man catcalled me and I was like, unnecessary. As he was getting into his car, and I was walking to my car, and I saw him again and it looked like he was looking for something. So I thought he was looking for me, which maybe he was, so I thought I was going to be murdered so I called my boyfriend and made him stay on the phone with me until I was not hiding behind my car anymore but was inside of it. And it literally ruined the rest of my day.
SARAH: Can confirm, she texted me about it.
KAYLA: The rest of the day, I was just pissed off.
SARAH: Fair enough.
KAYLA: There’s one other man I’m mad at and he doesn’t know who he is, but some people know who he is, and this is me subtweeting him live on the podcast. You should stop what you’re doing. That’s all. There’s three people in the world who know who I’m talking about.
SARAH: And I’m one of them.
KAYLA: He should stop what he’s doing.
SARAH: Do you have a juice?
KAYLA: I did my juice, I have furniture now.
SARAH: Oh I forgot. Your juice turned into beeves, so.
KAYLA: It did. It slid right in there.
SARAH: Okay. I wrote out a very long beef at 2 in the morning the other day and I deleted it because I think I just needed to get that out of my system you know, I don’t necessarily need to share it on the pod. So I have nothing prepared. My beef is that I keep being hungry and then not being able to eat very much.
KAYLA: Oh god I know that feeling so well.
SARAH: And then being hungry an hour later. And then I just end up not eating enough because I’m too lazy to eat 45 meals a day and that’s not good cause I’m not eating enough.
KAYLA: You ate half a green pepper yesterday.
SARAH: I did cause I was hungry. Anyway, that’s my beef. My juice is BTS In the Soop. I’ve been watching it, been enjoying myself. That’s - you know. That’s that. If you would like to tell us about your beef, your juice, your choice words for Jeff Beezbos, hit us up.
KAYLA: Tell me about a man that you’re mad at. You can tweet us your subtweets about the men in your life, or the women, or the non-binary people. Just tell us who you hate, let’s just bring a lot of negativity on to our Twitter feed.
SARAH: All the negativity, I want it in my notifications. Overflowing negativity, I want to drown in negativity on our social media because that is of course what this podcast is about. So yeah please hit us up @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. If you want to Sign, Seal, Deliver and support the USPS, become a patron and we will get a PO Box and single-handedly save the USPS. We have a whole slew of new patrons as Kayla noted at the beginning. We have some new $2 Patrons We have M Gooderham, Joseph Marceau, H K who I believe is a 2 Euro Patron.
KAYLA: Exotic.
SARAH: And and A Strawberry. Strawberry. Berry berry. Strawberry. If you get it you get it.
KAYLA: I don’t get it but thank you everyone for joining.
SARAH: You’re welcome. Those are all of our new patrons in the $2 chunk. We appreciate you you’re lovely. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily comma James, sorry it sounded like the famous actor was a patron of our podcast.
KAYLA: Oh wouldn’t that just be everything.
SARAH: Lily comma James comma Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Jacob Weber, Vishakh, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie, Tessa, MattiousT, Courtney Pritchard, Chris Lauretano, Dia Chappell, Sam, and Megan Jeffrey. Is Megan Jeffrey new?
KAYLA: I think so.
SARAH: Or was Megan Jeffrey new last week? I’m losing my mind. Either way.
KAYLA: Hello.
SARAH: I’m losing my mind. Our $10 patrons are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote the book "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote her dogs Leia, Minnie, and Max, H. Valdís, Purple Chickadee, ichliebevogel.wordpress.com, Barefoot Backpacker, we didn’t have anything new for him did we? Barefoot Backpacker would like to promote backpacking barefoot. Ashlynn Boedecker, who is @shlynnbo everywhere, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to shout out the leftist Youtuber Thought Slime's segment The Eyeball Zone, which promotes smaller leftist projects, Mattie who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow the heteronormativity and we have a new patron, Andrew Hillum, who we messaged to ask you what you want to promote but we messaged way too late.
KAYLA: As always.
SARAH: Apologies to Andrew. But do let us know. Thank you for joining though, you’re a delight I’m sure, I mean I don’t know you but you have got to be a delight. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote mental health comma good, Miranda Denton who would like to promote Casa Q, Leila who would like to promote their Instagram @leilaofpaper, Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth and Dragonfly who would like to promote safely going to the dentist in a pandemic. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.