Ep 155: Revealing Victoria's Secret
Listen to Ep 155: Revealing Victoria’s Secret here!
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Victoria’s Secret.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: M’itosis.
SARAH: I think you’ve… I feel like you’ve done that before.
KAYLA: There’s no way to tell. There’s no way to know.
SARAH: There’s no way to tell. I have one! (laughing)
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: Golden M’aknae.
KAYLA: I don’t know what that means.
SARAH: Yeah but Padya will.
KAYLA: Recently, Sarah has dived… dove head deep into BTS which just last week she said she wasn’t doing, which I knew was a lie, obviously, because I know her.
SARAH: (laughing) Listen, I said it in the Discord and I’ll say it again, to quote one David Rose, “There are certain lies that I tell myself.”
KAYLA: I knew it was a lie. And then, so our lovely transcriber Padya who’s a friend of mine is a huge BTS fan and so I put her, Sarah, and myself in a group chat which was…
SARAH: It’s your fault.
KAYLA:... the biggest mistake of my life. But I was tired… I was like texting just between them and it was exhausting, so. Um and I guess Padya is like our employee now anyway so…
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Thinking of firing her though, to be honest.
SARAH: (laughs) Oh, you’re thinking of firing her just because you don’t like-
KAYLA: Just cause you’re annoying me in the group chat.
SARAH: Oh. Yeah no we definitely could take it outside the group chat…
KAYLA: But you just don’t.
SARAH: ...but it’s just funner- it’s funner to bother Kayla.
KAYLA: I like wake up to hundreds of messages. It’s awful.
SARAH: You’re welcome. (laughs)
KAYLA: I mean it really is my own fault, there’s not much I can say.
SARAH: It’s a hundred percent your fault. There’s nothing that can be done.
KAYLA: Well anyway, one of these days we’ll be able to do a full BTS episode because you’ll be fully entrenched. And I know it’s what the people want anyways, so I guess that’s the one good thing about this. We should just have Padya on. I’ll take a week off and you and Padya can just do an episode.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: How about that?
SARAH: Actually, I wouldn’t like you to take a week off, though. Like I need you to have to sit through that.
KAYLA: Noooo.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But they’ll be… I will have nothing to say.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: But I need you to experience it.
KAYLA: Well I can listen after like I could listen later.
SARAH: You don’t listen to our podcast so…
KAYLA: I would if I wasn’t in it.
SARAH: I don’t trust you.
KAYLA: Well, me either. Anyway.
SARAH: Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: No, one announcement. Um just…
SARAH: We have an announcement!
KAYLA: (laughs) Just a reminder that for Ace Week we are doing a livestream on the 31st which is going to be a livestream of us recording an episode. So yes, that episode will come out after Ace Week is over, but what’s a girl to do? Um so yeah, that livestream is the 31st and I’ll like put a link in our…
SARAH: It’s like you all get a sneak preview of what our patrons get when they get it a day early.
KAYLA: Yeah basically.
SARAH: Just also with our faces.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Sorry to the patrons, you don’t get anything special next week.
KAYLA: Except for our faces I guess.
SARAH: And our love.
KAYLA: And our love. So yeah, that’s the 31st. I’ll put a link to our YouTube or something in the description. And then we’re also taking submissions. So things like your coming out story, or advice you have for other ace people, or a message to a friend, or like a resource you wanna share, or a question. Just so you all can participate too. So I’ll put the link to the submission form also in the description. Just have it in like a couple days before the 31st and we might read it.
SARAH: Indeed. Give us the content.
KAYLA: Give us the content for a change.
SARAH: For a change.
KAYLA: And also, there should be a couple fun things that we’re doing during Ace Week so…
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: ...keep. Yeah.
SARAH: Cool.
KAYLA: We’ve already done them.
SARAH: Oh you’re right, we have. (laughs)
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Uh okay, so what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we are going to be doing a reveal of what is… what is Victoria’s Secret?
SARAH: We’re gonna answer the everlasting…
KAYLA: Life’s biggest question, I think.
SARAH: World-weary question.
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: What is Victoria’s Secret? Now for those of you who don’t know, Victoria’s Secret is store in the United States.
KAYLA: Is it not elsewhere?
SARAH: (huff) It could be?
KAYLA: I’ll look it up.
SARAH: I would not be surprised if it were in Canada.
KAYLA: Fair.
SARAH: This is taking so long.
KAYLA: It’s only showing me the ones in Michigan cause that’s where I am. Ugh.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Okay, you keep going, I’ll keep looking.
SARAH: Is Victoria’s Secret international?
KAYLA: Oh! What did I click?
SARAH: Starting in 2008, it expanded internationally with retail outlets within international airports, franchises in major cities overseas, and company-owned stores throughout Canada and the UK.
KAYLA: Well, there you go.
SARAH: It just took Kayla 45 years to not find the answer.
KAYLA: It really was maybe a total of one minute.
SARAH: (laughs) That took you so long.
KAYLA: Anyway, it’s a store that sells like bras and underwear.
SARAH: (Exaggeratingly) Lingerie.
KAYLA: It also has (in a terrible French accent) lingerie that is incredibly overpriced and not that great. They also do the fashion show every year, which is also not good.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because they don’t use diverse models so…
SARAH: Yeah, that’s about it. One time me and my sister were in a Victoria’s Secret with my mom and we saw my sister’s third-grade teacher.
KAYLA: No. That’s awful. No.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I’ve only bought things from there once and I… it’s very overpriced and…
SARAH: I’ve only bought things from the PINK side. Like there’s like a sub-brand called PINK.
KAYLA: Yeah PINK is like for younger people.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It’s for like… teens.
SARAH: It’s more for like teens and young adults.
KAYLA: Yeah. There’s been a lot of...
SARAH: They have good sweatpants. Not cheap sweatpants, but they were good.
KAYLA: Yeah. There’s been a lot of things recently where people re like “We don’t need to be buying from them.” Like there are other, better brands of underwear that we can be going to.
SARAH: There really are.
KAYLA: So anyway…
SARAH: And I would love it if those brands would sponsor our podcast.
KAYLA: I mean they can. I would rather like a MeUndies.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: If MeUndies wants to sponsor us, that would be amazing.
SARAH: I mean I would also accept Tommy John.
KAYLA: I don’t know… I don’t know about her.
SARAH: I’ve heard some podcast ads for Tommy John.
KAYLA: Okay sure, I’ll take it.
SARAH: There’s also another one uh… is it… what is it Carousel? Am I making things up?
KAYLA: Oh, First Love is a boob…
SARAH: First love. (laughs)
KAYLA: First Love is a bra one.
SARAH: They do bras. Yeah.
KAYLA: They do bras and they do… this is just a free ad now from what I’ve learned from other podcast ads.
SARAH: Other podcasts.
KAYLA: Is that if you get it in the mail and it doesn’t fit, you ship it back and then they give it to a woman in need. So this is just fully me regurgitating the copy that they give to other podcasts.
SARAH: Just regurgitating copy. That we’re not getting paid for.
KAYLA: So if anyone wants to tweet at them and say “Hey, they did do one free ad.”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: ”So maybe give them more? For Ace Week.”
SARAH: It’s like a- it’s like a buy one get one free thing, but you get the one free before you buy it.
KAYLA: Yeah, so you’re welcome to them.
SARAH: Yeah anyway, Victoria’s Secret is a store. (laughs)
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: And they have their fashion shows with women who…
KAYLA: Adam Levine’s wife.
SARAH: … like aren’t allowed to eat.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it's... you know. Not great. Um but you know there's the age old question of you know, the store is called Victoria's Secret, what is Victoria's Secret? So we thought that we would take this time today to answer that question.
KAYLA: Mhm. I had a friend growing up named victoria and people like always asked her like "Ohhh what's secret?" And she was like 12 and she was like "I don't... please go away."
SARAH: My secret is that I'm 12.
KAYLA: (laughs) Surprise.
SARAH: Incredible. Well that's great to hear that that's your first secret. Um I think...
KAYLA: I mean it wasn't.
SARAH: Shhhh. I think Victoria's Secret is that she's an alien.
KAYLA: Mmmm. Okay.
SARAH: Like she's just an alien and she doesn't want you to know that, so she's gonna distract you with titties.
KAYLA: With titties, okay. I think Victoria's Secret is, I mean this is a very easy one, but it's that her boobs are fake. She has fake boobs.
SARAH: Ahhhh. Yeah.
KAYLA: I think that's kind of the most obvious.
SARAH: Yeah. You know if she got into a car accident they could get impaled and...
KAYLA: And pop!
SARAH: And pop.
KAYLA: Here's my thing about fake boobs is if you have a baby, like how does breastfeeding work. Cause I understand you still can, but like it doesn't... I don't understand how. Maybe because I don't understand...
SARAH: You can?
KAYLA: I think so, yeah. I think you can. But I also don't know how like breast implants work, per se so I don't know.
SARAH: All I know is that something about chicken cutlets.
KAYLA: Well I think they look like chicken.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Well let me Google it. Can you breastfeed with implants? They knew what I wanted.
SARAH: They knew.
KAYLA: Most women are able to, there's a few exceptions.
SARAH: Hm.
KAYLA: They may affect the amount of breast milk that you're able to produce. The more you know.
SARAH: Interesting. Inter-sting!
KAYLA: Well, I think that's her secret is that her boobs do be fake.
SARAH: Mmm, yeah. That's believable. I think Victoria's Secret is that she's actually not adhering to the gender binary at all. Like...
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: She just... she's gotten to the point in her life where she's like "No, fuck this shit. Nothing matters, gender isn't real it's a human construct, and so I'm actually not gonna adhere to it at all." Um, I think that's her secret. And I don't know why she's keeping it a secret like I think she should really share that with the world, but...
KAYLA: Well it's her choice though. Maybe she's afraid that corporate America will no longer accept her.
SARAH: I mean that's fair. I mean I support her in doing so. However, I hope she finds the courage to stand up to corporate America.
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Um, I think Victoria's Secret might me that like she's actually an ass girl.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: You know like I think Victoria's big thing... Victora's Secret big thing is like, you know, the boobs and the bras like they do sell underwear but I feel like it's more of like the bras than the panties.
SARAH: Yeah, she's like shawty got a donkkkk. You know?
KAYLA: I do think she has more ass and she's more into ass in other people as well.
SARAH: M'kay. Yeah, that's a pretty big secret to keep given her career choice.
KAYLA: Given the brand, yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. I think Victoria's Secret is that she's not as good as Fenty and she knows it, but she does not want you to know that.
KAYLA: I don't know that that's a secret. Yeah, but we do all know.
SARAH: Yeah but like she's trying to keep it a secret. Like she...
KAYLA: She's not doing a good job.
SARAH: She still thinks it's a secret and like we all know better but...
KAYLA: Maybe Fenty will sponsor us?
SARAH: (laughs) Fenty? (In a Sailor J accent) Rihanna?
KAYLA: Like if I need to become... (in a Sailor J accent) Rihanna! If I need to become a lingerie model I will. Like if you insist, I am currently unemployed so like I will, you know?
SARAH: Yeah, I mean Fenty probably makes underwear that is actually my skin color because they have such a wide range.
KAYLA: That's true, they probably do.
SARAH: And I can be like "Hey, Rihanna (with a rolling "r")?"
KAYLA: Is this just gonna be an ad for every underwear company?
SARAH: (With a rolling "r") Rihanna, please.
KAYLA: (With a rolling "r") Rihanna, notice me.
SARAH: (With a rolling "r") Rihanna.
KAYLA: I think Victoria's Secret is that she's actually Ivanka Trump because I just feel like would anyone be surprised if it came out that like Ivanka Trump owned and was running Victoria's Secret? No. Like that seems correct.
SARAH: As soon as you said that I was like "Oh, I believe it."
KAYLA: It seems correct to me.
SARAH: It's just correct. Yeah.
KAYLA: That that would be the truth. And she doesn't want us to know cause you know the brand and it's controversial or whatever but like...
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: I think that Ivanka Trump is Victoria.
SARAH: Yeah. And that's the big secret.
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: Is that Victoria's Secret is just MAGA.
KAYLA: It's Ivanka's secret. (laughs)
SARAH: (laughs) It's Ivanka's secret.
KAYLA: What we should really be asking is "What is Ivanka's secret?" I'm sure she has many.
SARAH: (laughs) I would love to know.
KAYLA: I'm sure she has many.
SARAH: I would love to know all of Ivanka's secrets and then blast them out to the world.
KAYLA: Did you know that Kellyanne Conway's niece is married to Mike Pence's nephew?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: I learned that from Claudia Conway's Tik Tok.
SARAH: Oh. A gem.
KAYLA: It just feels weird to me.
SARAH: I don't know, happens. I think Victoria's Secret is antidepressants.
KAYLA: Like she takes them?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: That's it.
KAYLA: Okay (laughs). Let's see.
SARAH: That's how she lives her life.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: She needs those antidepressants to live.
KAYLA: Don't we all?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: At this time, need our antidepressants. Um, I think Victoria's Secret is that she's actually like a really big goth, which I don't think you would get from the vibe of Victoria's Secret.
SARAH: You really wouldn't.
KAYLA: It's very pink and lacy. But she's actually like super alt and is like an e-girl and goth.
SARAH: There is some sort of hint in some Victoria's Secret stores like the Victoria's Secret side, there's actually like a lot of black and like... but like it's alongside like the pink, you know?
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: And I think maybe over time she's just found that the goth, the e-girl side really speaks to her more, yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, and she's just slowly trying to hint at it, you know?
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: But no one's really gotten it yet.
SARAH: Yeah. And I mean her manager when they started the PINK side, it kind of threw her off cause she was like "Wow, this is a lot of like really neon colors cause it's 2012...."
KAYLA: (Disgusted) Oh god, what a time that was.
SARAH: (Laughs) And she was like, "You're ruining it."
KAYLA: I have been watching... I've been watching old Project Runway seasons with my mom because last year we started watching them backwards, and we... the current season we're on is like 2011 and it is bananas how A: bad the camera quality is just like 9 years ago, and B: the fashion is soooo bad.
SARAH: Oh yeah.
KAYLA: Like it looks like it's way older than nine years old. And it's supposed to be, you know, like Project Runway, cutting edge new designs.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And it's still like "Oh my godddd."
SARAH: It's like "This is horrible."
KAYLA: There's some stuff too that people will make and they'll be like "I hate this," and it's like "Okay but that's like super trendy right now, this person was just like nine years ahead of their time."
SARAH: Oh god.
KAYLA: And Nina Garcia said it was bad.
SARAH: Well...
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know, fashion's just a cycle.
KAYLA: Whatcha gonna do?
SARAH: Whatcha gonna do? Um, I think Victoria's Secret is that she uses moisturizer with SPF. It's really important to have SPF in your moisturizer because even if you're not super pale like me, SPF is there to protect you, okay? And it protects your skin from the sun...
KAYLA: I feel like this is a personal attack on me and my hatred of sunscreen.
SARAH: Hey. Hey Kayla? You need to use moisturizer with SPF.
KAYLA: I need to use moisturizer period (laughs).
SARAH: Hey. Hey Kayla? You need to use moisturizer, you absolute gremlin.
KAYLA: I used it yesterday.
SARAH: Ohhhh, you used it yesterday. When was the last time you used it before then?
KAYLA: Like a couple days before probably.
SARAH: (Sigh) Guys... guys please get Kayla to moisturize her fucking face.
KAYLA: It's just so much work.
SARAH: Do you wash your face?
KAYLA: Sometimes.
SARAH: Sometimes.
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: How often... I guess you probably don't wear makeup very often these days.
KAYLA: Not these days, no.
SARAH: I had... I had to teach Kayla in college that you need to take your makeup off before you go to bed.
KAYLA: (laughs) If I wear makeup, I will wash my face. If I'm not wearing makeup, it's really a coin toss of like how tired am I, you know?
SARAH: Here's the thing...
KAYLA: And like how cold is the water and how cold is it outside?
SARAH: See for me, since moving to California... that was part of my main problem in like not wanting to wash my face is when I was...
KAYLA: So cold!
SARAH: Especially when we lived at the Hollow, that water was always freezing.
KAYLA: Oh my god it was terrible.
SARAH: And it took so long for the water to warm up. So I never wanted to wash my face. But now that I live here bay-bee, it's warm all the time. And I have gotten a lot better about washing my face twice a day and guess what? My face is a lot better.
KAYLA: Well maybe now that I'm moving to Lousiana I'll be better at it.
SARAH: Cause like I was looking at like... every year I look at like... every year. Every day I look at like "Oh what snaps did I send a year ago today?" A year ago yesterday I was having an absolute breakdown...
KAYLA: She really was.
SARAH: Just so you all know.
KAYLA: It was wild.
SARAH: But my face was all fucked up and I was like "Girl, my face is a lot better now than it was then."
KAYLA: Proud of you.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: Is it my turn?
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: I think Victoria's Secret is that she actually has like 12 kids, which again... and she's a devout, very religious, which I think again, you don't... you don't expect, you know, from a lingerie brand.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: You'd think she's maybe like carefree, quite young, no children.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: Not religious, a satanist.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: But no, she's very devout and she has many children.
SARAH: That brings me to another one of the things I thought might be Victoria's Secret, which is that she dug up the golden plates out of her yard that God placed there.
KAYLA: (laughs) Oh my god, she's the original Morman.
SARAH: She is the original Mormon.
KAYLA: She is Joseph Smith. That's crazy.
SARAH: Yeah. So that explains why she has so many kids and why she's, you know, very devout.
KAYLA: Yeah, we gotta...
SARAH: Cause she found those golden plates.
KAYLA: You have to populate the Earth with Mormans, you just have to.
SARAH: You have to make big Morman families.
KAYLA: You have to.
SARAH: You gotta.
KAYLA: I think Victoria's Secret is that actually for years now, Victoria's Secret the musical has been in development and they were actually supposed to go to previews in 2020 but then of course Broadway shut down. Um so it's back under wraps, still a secret, still a big big secret, but in development.
SARAH: Yeah. I think Victoria's Secret is that she's gonna be the new director for the Wicked movie.
KAYLA: Are they still doing that?
SARAH: (laughs) I saw... I went on Deadline for work yesterday and I saw that the director had stepped down and so they're now trying to find a new director.
KAYLA: Did they even start?
SARAH: No!
KAYLA: They didn't even start yet.
SARAH: They've been saying they're gonna make this movie for years.
KAYLA: My god.
SARAH: It was supposed to come out like a year and a half ago.
KAYLA: That's exhausting.
SARAH: And they have yet to start and now they have to find a new director, and the new director is Victoria.
KAYLA: Yes! Perfect. Wow, that is messy.
SARAH: (laughs) It's so messy.
KAYLA: I think Victoria's Secret is that she found the cure to Coronavirus um and it's hidden...
SARAH: What the fuck is she doing with it?
KAYLA: It's hidden in a Victoria's Secret location like a golden ticket from Willy Wonka.
SARAH: That's cruel, Victoria!
KAYLA: (laughs) And so everyone is gonna have to go out and buy a bunch of bras to find the hidden vaccine.
SARAH: Hey. Hey sweety, Tori. That's cruel. People are dying, Tori.
KAYLA: No I know, but she just loves money. She wants people to...
SARAH: Hey Vicky!
KAYLA: ...buy. Cause you know... did they go bankrupt awhile ago or something?
SARAH: I feel like they've gone bankrupt multiple times.
KAYLA: Yeah, so she's really just trying to like get that money, you know?
SARAH: Get that dough, that cash, that greeeen. Vick, sweety, there are better ways.
KAYLA: Yeah, but she's just so stupid.
SARAH: For example, become more inclusive.
KAYLA: Well, yeah.
SARAH: Um, Victoria's Secret is that she has been hoarding all the Cherry Coke in North Hollywood just to piss me off! I have been (frustrated breath)... I have been to Ralph's, I have been to Smart & Final Extra, I have been to CVS, I have been to Walgreens, I have been to Target. Did any of them have 12-packs of Cherry Coke? No. None of them did. My roommate went to the other Ralph's, did they have Cherry Coke there? No. What am I supposed to do?!
KAYLA: You could order it online?
SARAH: (sigh) I bought some Mexi Coke. I don't wanna support Jeff Beezbose though.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair. Could you... is there a Walmart near you?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Walmart, maybe.
SARAH: Don't know.
KAYLA: Um, that is upsetting and I wish she would stop doing that.
SARAH: It's so upsetting. Like girl, I just want my fucking Cherry Coke. Like I like Mexi Coke, but like honestly I do prefer Cherry Coke to Mexi Coke, which I know is a hot take...
KAYLA: That is a hot take.
SARAH: ... especially for my family. Like I like a good Mexi Coke every one in a while, but for regular consumption, I think Cherry Coke is where it's at. Um and I just... I (deep breaths).
KAYLA: Someone... this is why we need a PO box...
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: ... so someone can just send you.... Maybe when I move to our new Southern headquarters I'll open a PO box.
SARAH: So they'll be able to send it to you.
KAYLA: And then I'll send it to you.
SARAH: (laughs) And then you'll send it to me.
KAYLA: We could open two, that just would cost extra money.
SARAH: The Kayla PO box and the Sarah PO box.
KAYLA: Listen, there's podcasts that do that when they're in separate locations like it's not unheard of.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Um we'll think about it.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: My... I think that Victoria's Secret is that all of the bras are actually made out of skin.
SARAH: Oh! Whose skin?
KAYLA: Um, you know, just people that Victoria has murdered. She's actually a serial killer.
SARAH: Is it like a skin grafting kind of situation?
KAYLA: Mhm yeah, she just like peels off that skin um and that is what the bras and underwear and PINK sweatpants and PINK-branded University of Michigan merch is made out of, it's skin. It's skin.
SARAH: Can I give you an update on the burn that I burned on my arm?
KAYLA: If you must.
SARAH: Um it's doing better. It broke open.
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: But now it's doing better. And it's better. It's just... there's still a scab, but it's... I haven't died yet.
KAYLA: So are you going to donate that scab to Victoria's Secret once it peels off?
SARAH: That is so disturbing.
KAYLA: It was just a.... it just a question.
SARAH: That is so disturbing that I need to...
KAYLA: Well you didn't answer.
SARAH: ... walk to Michigan and kick you in the face.
KAYLA: By the time you get here I will no longer live here (laughs).
SARAH: Damnit! (laughs) When you come back for Thanksgiving....
KAYLA: I don't know that I'm doing that, so tough luck.
SARAH: When you come back for Christmas.
KAYLA: If we're so lucky.
SARAH: I will find you.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I will find you and I will kick you in the face and then I will give this scab to Scabbers the rat, who is actually...
KAYLA: I hate you.
SARAH: ... a traitor and a backstabber!
KAYLA: I don't like you.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: Um whose turn is it? I think it's your turn.
SARAH: I don't know. Okay, I think Victoria's Secret is that what she does to stay sane is that she goes to her roof at night and just paces around.
KAYLA: So you're telling.... you're Victoria then? Because....
SARAH: I'm Victoria!
KAYLA: Is that what you're trying to tell me? Because it seems like that's something...
SARAH: It's me! I'm Victoria!
KAYLA: ....you did yesterday.
SARAH: And the day before.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: (laughs) Sometimes, you gotta go to your roof and it's night time to so it's actually not an unbearable temperature cause it's fucking October in the Valley and it's 3000 billion degrees constantly. And you just wander around your roof and then you're like "I'm gonna listen to some BTS." And then...
KAYLA: And then you try to get Kayla to play Mario Kart with you but she was already asleep.
SARAH: That was before I went to the roof, I probably wouldn't have gone to the roof if you had played Mario Kart with me but someone was sleeping.
KAYLA: How dare I. How dare I sleep. So rude of me.
SARAH: And then you work on your French on Duolingo and then someone walks up and you go "Ah!" You didn't see them coming, but they have a dog and so you...
KAYLA: What a busy night you had.
SARAH: But they were just crossing through, they were just, you know, doing some laps with their dog. And then the air conditioner turns on and you're like "that's loud, I'm gonna go down... I'm gonna go back now." And then you go downstairs and then you see a little black cat and...
KAYLA: That's exciting.
SARAH: And you wanna befriend the cat and so you walk towards it (whispering) very slowly. And it doesn't like you pet you... doesn't let it pet (laughs). It doesn't let you pet it, but it does sniff your hand and that's a big step in the right direction.
KAYLA: When I was apartment hunting over the weekend we were in a more residential area of the city, which I think is hopefully where we're gonna end up moving, and I saw two cats walking around the area so I just knew that that's where.
SARAH: I live in cato town NOHO. Like there's a certain walk I can go on where I can see, just on this walk on average afternoon or an evening, I will see upwards of like 20, 25 cats
KAYLA: I think you should start like an Instagram story series just of cat spottings.
SARAH: And they're all outside, too. Like it's not like I'm seeing them through windows, no like this is a cat hanging out underneath a car.
KAYLA: Are they stray or do like a ton of outdoor cats just live there?
SARAH: I think it's a mix of both. There is one house that just leaves like little cups of water outside so it leads me to believe at least some of them are stray, but then there are some that like I always see in front of the same house or like, you know, I always see them certain places.
KAYLA: Oh, I need another cat. I can't wait to get a baby cat.
SARAH: My sister's cat just turned one. And they told him that now that he's an adult he needs to get a job and he hasn't done it yet.
KAYLA: Yeah my cat also hasn't. She hasn't even been looking for a job down in Lousiana. Like she hasn't even been looking.
SARAH: Unbelievable. Anyway, your turn?
KAYLA: Um, yes. I think Victoria's Secret is that Victoria's Secret, first name Victoria, last name Secret.
SARAH: Of course.
KAYLA: Is just another one of J.K. Rowling's pennames...
SARAH: Oh Jesus.
KAYLA: ...where she was like trying to start a new thing but not use the name J.K. Rowling just to like see if it would take off.
SARAH: Robert Galbraith!
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Or whatever it was.
KAYLA: So I think Victoria is actually J.K. Rowling.
SARAH: It's like how J.D. Robb and Nora Roberts is the same person.
KAYLA: Or like what's his face and Childish Gambino?
SARAH: Donald Glover and Childish Gambino.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: It's also so funny because I feel like Donald Glover is such like a nerdy name and then it's like "Bitch I'm Childish Gambino!"
KAYLA: It is... I feel like they are two very different personalities that he does.
SARAH: They're different entities. Yeah. Anyway, you know I could say it's like Suga and August D and Min Yoongi are all the same person but they're all different people.
KAYLA: That means nothing to me.
SARAH: (creepy laugh) Okay! Just here to talk about BTS. Um I think that Victoria's Secret is socialized medicine.
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: It keeps her healthy, she's not in debt. And like yeah there are still hoops to jump through, but when she calls a psychiatrist to, you know, cause she needs to get a psychiatrist at her new home, and she calls them and they don't say "Oh, we're only accepting patients who are 25 or older."
KAYLA: Yet again, it does seem like Victoria is you. It feels like you two have a lot of very similar experiences.
SARAH: I just think that Victoria really supports socialized medicine. Like she's all in on Medicare for all. It's, you know, it's important to her that people get the care that they deserve. It's a right, it's not a privilege. So, socialized medicine is her secret.
KAYLA: Um, let's see. I think Victoria's Secret is that she's actually just a bunch of rats in a trench coat.
SARAH: Oh, how many?
KAYLA: I mean, three maybe?
SARAH: Okay, that's less than I thought.
KAYLA: She's pretty short. No, she's pretty short if you ever see her.
SARAH: I was expecting at least five to seven. Maybe like nineteen, who knows.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Okay. That's good to know. Are they union? Do they have a union?
KAYLA: Hmm. Are they union? This is a very good question. No.
SARAH: Oh that's too bad.
KAYLA: It is, it is. I mean they're trying, but it's very difficult.
SARAH: I hope they unionize.
KAYLA: Yeah, they've been trying.
SARAH: It's a difficult industry to unionize in, the pretending to be a person industry.
KAYLA: Oh it's, I mean it's very competitive, you know.
SARAH: Yeah, very much so. Everyone wants to be a person, you know. And then they become a person and realize that it sucks.
KAYLA: And they're like "I hate it here."
SARAH: "But I signed a really long contract, you know." Anyway, maybe if they unionized they could get out of their contracts or maybe just make the conditions better. I think Victoria's Secret is that she doesn't actually wear bras in real life, she's on team free the nip. And she is just like "Well, I'm in too deep with this store thing."
KAYLA: Here's my thing, is I just looked up like who started Victoria's Secret.
SARAH: Mhm. Is it a middle-aged man?
KAYLA: It's two men.
SARAH: Yeah, not shocking to me.
KAYLA: Not shocking, but still upsetting.
SARAH: Well Victoria's Secret is very sexualized.
KAYLA: It is. And so the reason he was inspired to start this business is after feeling embarrassed purchasing lingerie for his wife in a department store. So he took out a $40,000 loan and then borrowed $40,000 from his family and um...
SARAH: So he was embarrassed to be seen buying lingerie at a department store...
KAYLA: So he made a very sexualized, very feminine store.
SARAH: So he started a store. So he said instead of going to the department store where you could be shopping for anything, now...
KAYLA: Now it's very overt what you're doing.
SARAH: ...you go to a store that's just for this.
KAYLA: Yeah, and I think you know if I was a very masculine toxic man who didn't wanna be seen doing that I feel like...
SARAH: You're not like a masc guy? I thought...
KAYLA: Not today.
SARAH: Not today, okay.
KAYLA: But like if I was that kind of man, I think going into a Victoria's Secret would be even more embarrassing...
SARAH: It would be very overwhelming.
KAYLA: ...cause it's like very pink and yeah. So Victoria is a reference to Queen Victoria and it's meant to evoke the sophistication and propriety associated with the Victorian Era boudoirs while eluding to the...
SARAH: The propriety!
KAYLA: ... secret underneath the.... which is like, if you go to a Victoria Secret, they have those huge like pictures up in the front windows of just like tits.
SARAH: And they have like the fuckings wings, the whole wings.
KAYLA: Just tits. It's a very... they do a lot of push-up bras, which like for someone like me is great cause I have no boobs.
SARAH: Why would I want a push-up bra?! Why would I want to emphasize my boobs, Kayla?
KAYLA: We are different... I don't know, we are different people. But it's like, I don't think that's a very propri... that's not very proper, to just have like a huge picture of a woman in a push-up bra with just like big titties.
SARAH: I mean, I'm sure it's gotten much worse over the years and it didn't start this way, but yeah it's...
KAYLA: Okay, here's the thing. They came up with a couple hundred names, and then that was the only one that they really liked. I would Love to hear what their other names were.
SARAH: I would love..
KAYLA: If Victoria's Secret is the one that they landed on, I would lovveeeee to hear the others.
SARAH: I would love to show up to like... oh I'm trying to think of a good one.
KAYLA: Okay here's the thing, so after five years, the original guy sold Victoria's Secret to someone else, so maybe that is where the original... I'd be interested to see like what the first Victoria's Secret store looked like, cause maybe it was much more Victorian.
SARAH: You could probably Google it.
KAYLA: I probably could, but I'm still reading this Wikipedia page.
SARAH: She's busy reading a Wikipedia page. I'm still trying to think of a good funny name that would be so-and-so secret that would be funny and I just... there's nothing. My brain is full of gush. Um okay, I mean I don't know if I agree with what Google says is Victoria's Secret, I would... I think that.... wait it's your turn, you go.
KAYLA: Hold on, I'm still looking up the origin of the Victoria's Secret store.
SARAH: Fine. I think Victoria's Secret is that she has six raw eggs every day. Just downs it.
KAYLA: That's too many.
SARAH: And that's the secret to her figure.
KAYLA: That's how her tits got so big...
SARAH: It's the secret to her boobs.
KAYLA: ...the eggs go straight to her tits.
SARAH: Straight to the tits. It's just six raw eggs every day, that's her secret.
KAYLA: Okay, this is what makes more sense. Is this Reddit post says that it's because Queen Victoria was known to have a lot of naughty lingerie and be a bit of a sex addict.
SARAH: Spicy!
KAYLA: Which makes more sense than them saying "Oh, it's for the proper Victorian era." Like that makes no sense... more sense.
SARAH: Yeah that.... yeah. Turns out Queen Vick was a spicy lady.
KAYLA: There's like a... there's a ton of articles just about like the rise and fall of Victoria's Secret if anyone...
SARAH: Yeah, it's interesting.
KAYLA: If anyone is interested in uh...
SARAH: Well do you have any other- some more alternatives for what Victoria's Secret is?
KAYLA: Yeah, let me think, let me think. I think she has scoliosis and I think that's actually the secret to her figure is that her spine is so bent that it actually bends in two, goes to the front of her body makes- that's what makes her boobs so big is it's not actually like what the fat is, it's actually like bone.
SARAH: It's bone, her boobs are bone.
KAYLA: And then comes back up and merges to go into like her neck. So what I'm basically- so she has bone boobs and that's why they look like that.
SARAH: (laughs) Bone boobs.
KAYLA: She has bone boobs.
SARAH: I'm trying to think of a good equivalent pun to do with something with boners and it's not working.
KAYLA: Mmmmm. Yeah, maybe like... maybe the penis is actually like an extension of the spine?
SARAH: Hate that.
KAYLA: And like out of your...
SARAH: It's like a tail.
KAYLA: ....out of your- yeah, but it like goes inside.
SARAH: Yeah. Anyway, I'd like this to stop now.
KAYLA: That's actually what a penis is.
SARAH: I'd like this to stop.
KAYLA: If anyone with a penis could either confirm or deny.
SARAH: I'd like this to stop.
KAYLA: Perhaps a doctor.
SARAH: I know I started it but I'd really like it to stop.
KAYLA: Okay, you can go.
SARAH: I think Victoria's Secret is the cheap labor under inhumane working conditions in Bangladesh.
KAYLA: Yeah, that probably is. I think that's the secret to most clothing brands.
SARAH: And then she gets to just rake in all the dollars for her overpriced bras, braziers (rolling her "r") if you will.
KAYLA: I won't.
SARAH: Okay. And you know, she's just making bank off these people who, you know, horrible working conditions, not getting paid enough, child labor, you know absolute bullshit.
KAYLA: I think Victoria's Secret is that she's actually Hugh Heffner.
SARAH: Ah!
KAYLA: Or I guess that Hugh Heffner just like pretended to have this alter ego of Victoria's Secret and create this store.
SARAH: That's bold. I need to Google Hugh Heffner to make sure that....
KAYLA: Have Playboy and Victoria's Secret like ever done a collab?
SARAH: Have who?
KAYLA: Playboy and Victoria's Secret.
SARAH: Okay, I was correct about who Hugh Heffner was. I was like wait, what if it's not who I think he is.
KAYLA: He's the Playboy one.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yes, he is the Playboy one. But like don't you think it would be a...
SARAH: I'm sure.
KAYLA: I mean I'm sure there's like Victoria's Secret ads like in a Playboy maybe.
SARAH: I'm almost positive that they've done stuff together.
KAYLA: It would be shocking if not.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: A real missed opportunity.
SARAH: A real missed business opportunity for them. Yeah. Is it my turn?
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: This is my last one that I have listed. Victoria's Secret is her 11 herbs and spices.
KAYLA: (laughs) Noooo.
SARAH: And they're a secret, and you can't know what they are, but they're delicious.
KAYLA: I don't think they've ever done a collab.
SARAH: KFC and Victoria's Secret?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Not them.
SARAH: My brain really went straight to KFC and Victoria's Secret. I was like "No, why would they have done a collab?"
KAYLA: Oh, was that not a joke? Did you actually say that being serious?
SARAH: Yes! I was so confused.
KAYLA: Uh-oh. I thought you were kidding. I thought you were making a good joke.
SARAH: That's... I mean it is a good joke that I'm stupid.
KAYLA: Oh man.
SARAH: To be fair, I was thinking about the herbs and spices and I was like "Why the fuck would KFC and Victoria's Secret collaborate? It doesn't make sense."
KAYLA: No, I was talking about Victoria's Secret and Playboy. There's been Victoria's Secret models in Playboy, but I don't think they've ever done a formal collab, which just really seems like a missed opportunity.
SARAH: Well maybe it's because Playboy is like very, you know, it's exploitative of women and Victoria's Secret is too, but they want to seem women-empowered in a way that Playboy doesn't. You know?
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: So maybe they think it's not in their brand image.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Oh, what's your last suggestion for Victoria's Secret?
KAYLA: Yeah, let me think of one really good one.
SARAH: Better be good.
KAYLA: I mean hard to get past bone boobs for sure. Let's see, let's see here. I think Victoria's Secret is that (in a mocking tone) she's actually like one of those like quirky, nerdy girls. She's like not like the other girls.
SARAH: She's a manic pixie dream girl.
KAYLA: Yeah, she's like not like the other girls. You know, she's like one of the guys really.
SARAH: One of the bros.
KAYLA: And she like doesn't actually even like (in a mocking tone) "Oh my god, like I so don't care where I get my bras like this one is like a sports bra I've had for like 5 years."
SARAH: (In a mocking tone) "Like can I get a cheeseburger with extra cheese. Like are you kidding?"
KAYLA: "Oh my god, I just like... I could eat a whole pizza! I could eat a whole pizza by myself like with the guys." She's one... you wouldn't think that she's one of those girls but she's just like really one of the guys.
SARAH: She's one of the guys. And then underneath all of her like super chill manic pixie dream girl clothes, she's wearing, you know, Victoria's Secret lingerie which of course makes the guys happy because what they really want- what they really want is a girl who's like just one of the guys but like also deep down is a very sexy fetishized woman who, you know, they can objectify as much as they want. So.
KAYLA: Yes, mhm.
SARAH: Yeah. (laughs)
KAYLA: Well that's it.
SARAH: I was just thinking, I was like "Hmm, how is that gonna look in the transcript when you don't hear our tone of voice."
KAYLA: Maybe we can add in a note about what the tone of voice is.
SARAH: This is a mocking tone of voice.
KAYLA: Mocking tone.
SARAH: Excellent. Alright, Kayla what is our poll this week? I mean "What is Victoria's Secret?" of course. What are our options?
KAYLA: Yeah. Bone boobs for sure.
SARAH: (laughs) Bone boobs. I think antidepressants.
KAYLA: Okay. Hold on, let me write these down. Bones for boobs, antidepressants.
SARAH: 11 herbs and spices.
KAYLA: 11 herbs and spices. What's another really great one I said?
SARAH: I don't know, I don't remember a damn thing you said.
KAYLA: Me either. Oh, let's see. What else did I say?
SARAH: I don't know. (laughs)
KAYLA: There was some really good ones I'm sure.
SARAH: She's super religious? She has a lot of kids?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Three rats in a trench coat.
KAYLA: Three rats- three rats in a trench coat.
SARAH: There you go.
KAYLA: Of course. Excellent.
SARAH: Wonderful. Great, okay. Kayla, what is your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: Let's see, my beef is that recently I was on a plane to go down to Baton Rouge to look at apartments and it was a completely full flight, like not a single empty seat which was very upsetting because I had to sit very close to people. And the woman next to me- I was texting Sarah all throughout this because I had messaging on my flight. The woman next to me was watching a movie on her phone, she was watching The Devil Wears Prada, which I have never actually seen.
SARAH: Oh, it's a great movie.
KAYLA: I'm sure, but now I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch it because she was watching it...
SARAH: The boyfriend's a dick! The boyfriend is the real villain.
KAYLA: Okay. She was watching it out loud on her phone, on a plane, very loudly so she could, you know, hear it over the plane. And in the movie Anne Hathaway receives a lot of calls from, you know, her boss.
SARAH: (emulating a phone) Do-do-dodo.
KAYLA: And it's very loud, the call sound. And I was just like trying to hang out, do some reading, and this fucking woman just watching a movie out loud.
SARAH: Loudly.
KAYLA: Which is just not okay.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: You just can't do that.
SARAH: Unacceptable. Unacceptablé.
KAYLA: Yes, so that's my beef I guess..
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: My juice is that in Baton Rouge, and I guess Louisiana as a whole, there's a lot of Smoothie Kings cause it was founded down there I think.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: And I love a smoothie, so.
SARAH: Can't relate.
KAYLA: I'm Excited to have many smoothies.
SARAH: Okay. My beef and my juice- I didn't actually write anything down this week, so I'm winging it.
KAYLA: Shocked.
SARAH: My beef is just my body. My... I meant to talk about this as my beef literally like a month and a half ago, I don't know that I ever did. But like a month and a half ago I was stretching in my chair and something weird happened to my back and ever since then, my upper back has been fucked.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it just- it's just constantly fucked up and I don't like that. My juice, I mean of course I have to say BTS because I just need- just a little bit of serotonin and that's what they give me in this time. I'm just chasing the serotonin, you know? What else is a girl to do?
KAYLA: You sure are.
SARAH: Yo. Y-yo? Yo. So that's that. That's it. You can find our poll, tell us about your beef and juice, tell me who your BTS bias is, I genuinely want to know.
KAYLA: Oh god. Can you please just like tweet at Sarah, not like us.
SARAH: No, tweet at Kayla and the pod.
KAYLA: You don't even look at our Twitter Sarah. You don't even look at our Twitter.
SARAH: I occasionally- I tweeted today!
KAYLA: I know, but that was like- you never look at it. This isn't fair to me.
SARAH: Exactly. (laughs) Anyway.
KAYLA: I do so much for you. I do so much.
SARAH: @soundsfakepod
KAYLA: I'm gonna delete our Twitter.
SARAH: That would be a damn shame.
KAYLA: It really would, we've really built it up.
SARAH: We have!
KAYLA: Well, one of us has really built it up.
SARAH: My content is really what brings in all the... I was about to say the haters (laughs). I bring in all the haters, I bring the milkshakes, bring all the boys to the yard. The Smoothie King. Okay, I'm gonna... my brain left. It got off the train like a couple stops ago.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: @soundfakepod on the interwebs. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. (Deep breath) Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Derrick and Carissa, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel (deep breath) - Oh I almost made it to the end - Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, and Ellie, thanks for joining the party, Ellie.
KAYLA: Hello! Welcome!
SARAH: You're lovely. Our $10 patrons are Tessa, Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, anonymous who would like to promote the upcoming spooky Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote her dogs Leia, Minnie, and Max, H. Valdís, Purple Chickadee who would like to promote ichliebevogel.wordpress.com, Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote it being acceptable to get therapy
KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: I think that's a good thing to promote. I need to find a therapist, but you know, the psychiatrist won't even accept me because I'm too young (whiny noise). Ashlynn Boedecker, who is @shlynnbo everywhere, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, and Ari K. who would like to promote voting, please.
KAYLA: Please, please.
SARAH: (laughs) Please. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Dia Chappell who would like to promote the Underrealm series by Garret Robinson, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and the IWW, including the rat union, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote mental health, and Dragonfly who would also like to promote the rat union.
KAYLA: And voting. Also voting. Pleassseee.
SARAH: Yes. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.