Ep 218: Reacting to r/ShowerThoughts
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey, what’s up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake but Okay a podcast where an aroace girl, I’m Sarah that’s me
KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl, that’s me Kayla
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: shower thoughts.
KAYLA AND SARAH: Sounds fake, but okay.
(intro music plays)
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Here we are!
SARAH: Here’s podcast.
KAYLA: Despite it all.
SARAH: Truly, truly, truly.
(laughter)
SARAH: Do we have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: I feel like I did, but – oh, lots of mixed thoughts from everyone on weddings.
SARAH: Mm. Yeah.
KAYLA: Lots of mixed thoughts. The poll is obviously over now, but I put a lot of the responses on the poll highlight on our instagram, so you can go check it out. To be expected, I suppose, because I’m sure allo and aspec people alike have a wide diversity of opinions on weddings, but yeah, check it out.
SARAH: All right. Well. What are we talking about this week, Kayla?
KAYLA: This week we needed a silly. So can you even believe your eyes and ears that –
SARAH: if one thousand fireflies and flears
KAYLA: Okay, hold on. You’ve reminded me of something.
SARAH: Okay?
KAYLA: Have you heard the Owl City remix of All Star by Smash Mouth?
SARAH: This is already going in an interesting direction. I have not.
KAYLA: Okay. So I heard it was a thing, and I was like “what a way for Owl City to make a valiant return. This is going to suck”
SARAH: Ew! Sorry I was just reading on the thing. We’ll get there. Continue.
KAYLA: Okay. I love that for you. I was like “this is going to be so stupid.” It wasn’t. It’s like 4 and a half minutes and it bops so hard. It is the song of the – I’m not even being ironic. It actually is an absolute jam. Why did I start talking about – ? Oh, Owl City. Anyway, that’s my housekeeping.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: Everyone has to listen to it because it’s unironically very good.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: Anyway. So we had to be silly this week, so we’ve returned to Reddit. This time a new place.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: We’re in r/showerthoughts.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: a subreddit for those miniature epiphanies you have that highlight the oddities within the familiar. Okay. Whoever wrote that was in the shower. Maybe I’m really tired, but that meant nothing to me.
SARAH: Okay. To be honest, I wasn’t listening very well.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: And I scrolled way too far down the website to go back and check it.
KAYLA: You know what, people can look it up themselves. They obviously have the internet in some form if they’re here.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: What if someone was like printing out our transcripts and sending it somewhere without Internet?
SARAH: Sending it in the mail?
KAYLA: That would be nice.
SARAH: That’s pretty exciting. Anyway, we’re going to be on shower thoughts. And also I have a tweet to talk about because I wanted to talk about it, but it was not enough for a full episode.
KAYLA: Okay. I have looked up shower thoughts that revolve sex and dating to keep it on theme. You can do whatever you want.
SARAH: Have you searched within shower thoughts?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: or have you just been picking out the ones? Okay because I’ve just been picking out
KAYLA: That’s very fine.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: You want to?
SARAH: The ones I’ve chosen, some of them are sex and dating or that, some of them are just weird but adjacent enough to sex and dating that I felt like I could include it. Mkay. My first one: “painted nails is finger lingerie”
KAYLA: Painted nails is finger lingerie. Yeah, okay.
SARAH: It’s like fancy, and you know. I mean rings and stuff are just finger jewelry, so you’re fancying up your fingers.
KAYLA: Would painted nails not be more akin to hair dye?
SARAH: You know,
KAYLA: If rings are the clothes of fingers?
SARAH: Yeah I think the thing with lingerie is it doesn’t cover up the whole thing.
(05:00)
That’s the point of lingerie.
KAYLA: Mm. That’s fair.
SARAH: But nail polish tends to cover up the whole nail at least like the nail bed, you know?
KAYLA: Hm.
SARAH: So do we agree or disagree?
KAYLA: I’ll take it.
SARAH: Okay. All right, what’s next?
KAYLA: I’ve seen this one several times now. I don’t know that it’s the most profound, but I’ve seen several versions of “scrolling through your phone after sex is the new version of smoking a cigarette after sex”
SARAH: Mm. I mean, I can see it.
KAYLA: I never understood what the smoking after sex thing was supposed to…
SARAH: It’s just you have done the thing, and now you’re doing another thing. I get it, I think, I just can’t explain it because I’ve never done either.
(laughter)
KAYLA: So true. I feel like it was explained to me once is that like cigarettes are supposed to calm you down so it chills you out after you’re exerting yourself? I don’t know, man.
SARAH: Would you like to know the shower thought I saw that made me exclaim out loud while you were talking?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Uncomfortable thought: your nipples are older than your teeth.
KAYLA: I hate – I can’t do that.
SARAH: Now you know why I exclaimed aloud.
KAYLA: That is literally none of my business.
SARAH: I hate it. You know what I sometimes think about?
KAYLA: Mm.
SARAH: How if you get top surgery, you get the choice as to whether or not you want to keep your nipples.
KAYLA: (laughing) You should post that on shower thoughts.
SARAH: Well, it’s a known fact.
KAYLA: Do you think you would keep them?
SARAH: I think no, which I think is the less common choice.
KAYLA: I think it is the less common one. From what I’ve heard, the reconstruction of the nipples is kind of difficult.
SARAH: It’s kind of difficult, and it’s kind of weird, and what are nipples anyway other than nipples?
KAYLA: Nothing. I feel like I need to do more research on how exactly top surgery works. Because in my mind I’m like “oh it’s like a breast reduction surgery but all of it”
SARAH: (laughing) But all of it.
KAYLA: Clearly that’s not true.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: If there’s like, nipple reconstruction.
SARAH: Yeah, I don’t know exactly how it works. I do think I would be the person who’s like “nah man I don’t want these nips” and then people would be like “oh shit you ain’t got no nips” and I’d be like “yeah bruh, I didn’t want them”
KAYLA: I see that for you.
SARAH: Would you keep your nips?
KAYLA: Mm.
SARAH: Important question.
KAYLA: I think I would.
SARAH: So Kayla is pro-nips and Sarah is anti-nips.
KAYLA: I think if I had a flat chest I’d be more likely to get my nipples pierced.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: Honestly I feel like if I got top surgery, I would get my nipples pierced. I don’t know why.
SARAH: Does having top surgery make it harder or more uncomfortable to get your nipples pierced?
KAYLA: That’s a really good – because usually they put it right through the pointy part.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I forget what it’s called.
SARAH: The nub.
KAYLA: That’s a good question. Nub.
SARAH: (laughing) The nipple nub. I hate that. Let’s move on.
KAYLA: Okay, here’s mine. Are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You’re more likely to die from too much sex than lack of sex.
SARAH: That is true.
KAYLA: I’m actually going to look at the comments on this one. I’d love to see what the people are saying.
SARAH: There are a lot of things that can come from too much sex that can kill you. A number of things. First of all, STDs.
KAYLA: It’s like when you’re in the Sims, and you have an elder Sim have sex and then they die of sex.
SARAH: Oh wow. Yeah, they could die of STDs, HIV/AIDS. They could end up getting pregnant and then die of complications from the pregnancy, if they’re old, they could just have a heart attack about it.
KAYLA: I just saw something really funny.
SARAH: Okay?
KAYLA: So someone goes “surprisingly untrue, sex has been shown to decrease sex and depression, both of which are killers”. I don’t really agree with that. I don’t know.
SARAH: Sex has been known to reduce what and depression?
KAYLA: Stress and depression, both of which are killers.
SARAH: I thought you said sex has been shown to reduce sex and depression and I was like “what?”
KAYLA: l mean, no. Anyway, I don’t know.
SARAH: No, I think statistically there have been more deaths caused by sex –
(10:00)
KAYLA: Okay, but
SARAH: – than deaths caused by not having sex.
KAYLA: Okay, but I didn’t do the funny part yet.
SARAH: Oh, I’m sorry.
KAYLA: (laughing) So this person said this, and then this person commented “Is that why Queen Elizabeth is looking so old since Prince Philip died?”
SARAH: You know, I didn’t really hear the end of that, and I don’t think I want to, and I will when I edit this podcast, so I will just live in blissful ignorance until then.
KAYLA: This person just goes “you’re likely to die either way” I like the word likely.
SARAH: Likely.
KAYLA: because not absolute.
SARAH: I would say you’re guaranteed to die unless you’re Walt Disney.
KAYLA: So true.
SARAH: Here’s the thing about Walt Disney. You know the D in Disney how it looks like a G?
KAYLA: Gisney (said with a hard G).
SARAH: Walt Gisney (said with J sound). Mm.
KAYLA: Mm.
SARAH: Mm. You know? That’s all.
KAYLA: So true.
SARAH: This one is not sexual or romance related in any way, but it does involve the titty, and it concerned me.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: So I’m sharing it. Most people don’t know what breast milk tastes like, but everyone has tasted it. I would say almost everyone has tasted it.
KAYLA: I hate this.
SARAH: Yeah, I know. That’s why I said it even though it’s not overtly sexual or romantic, because it’s correct. Like, what do babies think when they’re born? I wish we fucking knew but we can’t because they can’t tell us.
KAYLA: Dude, did you ever watch the movie Baby Geniuses?
SARAH: No, what are those fuckers thinking about?
KAYLA: Okay, it’s two movies. It was like an early 2000s movie. I watched that, Sky High, and Zoom.
SARAH: (whispering) Oh my god, Sky High
KAYLA: Those were my films.
SARAH: Zoom, the TV show?
KAYLA: No, no no. It was a movie.
SARAH: The movie.
KAYLA: It was a teen superhero movie.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: It has Tim Allen in it.
SARAH: Mm he was all the places.
KAYLA: Me and my sister watched it all the time.
SARAH: I watched Zoom the TV show, which was excellent, but I think it was a little younger than the movie you’re referring to.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Sky High fucking slaps.
KAYLA: What was I saying? No, stop. Shut up.
SARAH: And Greg was in Sky High, Successions Greg.
KAYLA: Shut your mouth.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: I lost it. Oh, Baby Geniuses.
(laughter)
KAYLA: So Baby Geniuses the whole thing was they had these toddlers and they were watching them scientifically because they had this theory babies were geniuses and once they got to an old enough age they lost it, and it was true. Babies knew everything but then they got to a certain point and they –
SARAH: They ran out of space?
KAYLA: Yes. At one point the baby breaks out of the scientist jail and he gets into a mall and he’s singing Putting on the Ritz in a little top hat, and he stays in the mall overnight, which is obviously a dream for us all. Anyway, babies are geniuses and I do believe that because sometimes you hear these stories of kids being like “I saw this ghost” or “my great aunt who I never met but I can identify in a picture.” What do they know, dude?
SARAH: Mkay.
KAYLA: What do they know?
SARAH: All right. What do they know? Mkay. My next one is as follows. Now I haven’t thought about this too much, so we’re going to have to walk through it.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: In space, doggy style and reverse cowgirl are the same position.
KAYLA: Hold on, I have a lot of thinking to do. Say it again.
SARAH: Same.
KAYLA: So slowly. So slowly say it again.
SARAH: In space, doggy style –
KAYLA: So like in space? Am I rawdogging space or am I in a spaceship?
SARAH: Fuck if I know. If you’re rawdogging space you’re dead.
KAYLA: That’s so true. Okay, hold on. I have to picture this in my brain. Raw – no not rawdogging
(laughter)
SARAH: Hold on, I feel like I need to Google these to physically visualize and see them, but I’m a little bit afraid of what will happen.
KAYLA: Just look up “diagram of” to make sure you don’t get –. Maybe ook up like “sex positions diagrams” . Sex positions for breathing problems? Huh??
SARAH: Well this is just giving me a uterus.
KAYLA: I’m scared.
SARAH: Sex positions diagram.
KAYLA: Okay. Wow. I hate it. Okay. This one uses like the bathroom stick figures. I’m going to need a little bit – grasshopper??
SARAH: (laughing) This first one is just called truck.
KAYLA: I have not heard of many of these. Wow this is not helpful.
(15:00)
SARAH: Okay, I did find a reverse cowgirl.
KAYLA: I know what they – okay I found the reverse cowgirl. That’s great. I need –
(laughter)
KAYLA: Okay I have one, so I can just picture the other one and it’ll be fine.
SARAH: I thought I could do that, and then I was like “wait no I can’t”
KAYLA: You know what, I get it. I get it.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: (laughing) I’ve seen a photograph, and I understand.
(laughter)
SARAH: You know, I didn’t get it at first.
KAYLA: I get it.
SARAH: But now that I’m looking at these images, I think I understand.
KAYLA: Okay, so what they’re saying is: in zero gravity
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because – yep.
SARAH: There is no up.
KAYLA: I don’t know how much we need to go into detail with this. I don’t want to gross anyone out.
SARAH: Yeah. If you want to look up these diagrams, good luck. It’ll probably take a couple of googles.
KAYLA: Basically –
SARAH: Or you could just straight up google them and see what happens.
KAYLA: – it’s basically the same positioning of people, but one involves someone laying down, and the other one involves the person who was laying down to be like sitting up.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So in zero gravity.
SARAH: Or like a hands and knees situation.
KAYLA: It would just be spinning around like a ballerina.
SARAH: Right. Correct. The one comment that I think is interesting is someone saying “nah, leg placement is relevant”
KAYLA: I mean, probably.
SARAH: They have a point, but I’m also just going to say yes this person is right. OP.
KAYLA: OP is in basic terms correct. Because of the centers of gravity, things are different because of where the movement is coming from.
SARAH: I’ve encountered a sex position that I’m really confused by.
KAYLA: This should be a whole other episode.
SARAH: Should it though?
KAYLA: No. Here’s my thing about sex in zero gravity.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: I don’t actually think it would work because the amount of effort it would take to generate that momentum of thrusting?
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: Let me rephrase that. P in V sex. P in anything involves thrusting actually.
SARAH: Well, no. Untrue.
KAYLA: How in zero-gravity are you going to be building up –
SARAH: Oh, I was confused by what you meant. No, you’re right.
KAYLA: I’m currently rocking back and forth in my chair as if that’s helping anyone. I wish you could see me right now.
SARAH: I’m glad I can’t
KAYLA: I’m not doing anything nasty I’m literally just rocking back and forth.
SARAH: Sorry I have encountered this Buzzfeed article called “the ultimate ranking of common sex positions”
KAYLA: Hm.
SARAH: But all of the images are badly drawn stick people.
KAYLA: Honestly, I love that.
SARAH: And some of them I’m actually having trouble understanding. This one just says “Disclaimer: not for the feet conscious”
KAYLA: Oh no. Well.
SARAH: Anyway, I’m going to close this. I’m going to make that go away. What’s the next one?
KAYLA: Let me look. I searched dating and shower thoughts but it kept coming up with dates as in a day of the year.
SARAH: Mm. Yeah.
KAYLA: I don’t think this one is true. Let’s fight about it. Thinking dogs are better than people only reveals low quality human relationships. False.
SARAH: Dogs – well they can talk back to you, but they can’t use, for example, racial slurs. Well I guess if you taught a dog to talk with those buttons, and you gave it those options to use a racial slur
KAYLA: Yeah?
SARAH: I guess?
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: I don’t know why you would do that.
KAYLA: I don’t think you should. Here’s my thing. I feel like dogs are inherently good because they don’t have the mental capacity to have morals.
SARAH: Mm. Brains too small.
KAYLA: And humans do, which gives them the opportunity to be bad.
SARAH: Yeah, I think dogs are better than people.
KAYLA: So I think it just reveals that humans are low quality and dogs are good.
SARAH: (to the tune of “Reindeers are Better than People”) Doggies are better than people. (normal voice) No, dogs are better than people. Thank you. It is law.
KAYLA: Here’s an interesting one.
SARAH: mm.
KAYLA: Based on how much you can get along with someone by hating the same thing, a dating app based on dislikes would probably be fairly successful.
SARAH: Mm. I think it could be, but also you do need to have some things in common.
(20:00)
SARAH: Otherwise you’re building a relationship on a foundation of hatred.
KAYLA: True.
SARAH: and that is not necessarily the recipe for a healthy relationship.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But, if you start out being like “we all hate these things” but we also have these other things we share that we like that’s fine.
KAYLA: Well, yeah. Where they’re coming from is correct. Bonding over something that is hated…
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: …is very powerful.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But you have to have somewhere to go.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: From there. I’ve recently seen a lot of ads for this new dating app that’s meme based.
SARAH: That’s what based?
KAYLA: That’s meme based.
SARAH: Ah
KAYLA: You swipe right and left on the memes you like and then it matches you with someone with the same sense of humor.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: I don’t quite know, but I want to find out.
SARAH: Interesting. My next one, there’s actually a lot to unpack here.
KAYLA: I can’t wait.
SARAH: And you won’t. Other men care more about the size of your penis than women do.
KAYLA: Mm. It does seem that way, doesn’t it?
SARAH: It does seem that way for several reasons. There’s a comment that says “yeah, I get hit on by gay dudes all the time. Most women just want normal sized dicks” and OP responds with “this guy gets it”. Also the guy who commented, his name is MassiveStallion.
KAYLA: Okay, sir.
SARAH: (laughing) It seems like you care a lot about the size of your penis.
KAYLA: It does. As a person with a vagina who’s had sex –
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: A penis can be too big.
SARAH: Yeah. I say, as if I know from first-hand experience.
(laughter)
KAYLA: So true, Sarah. So true.
SARAH: Any time someone’s like “wow that person’s got a big dick” and they say it as if it’s a good thing. Not big dick energy, but physically large dick. I’m like “that’s scary”
KAYLA: It can be a bad thing.
SARAH: Yeah. And also, I was thinking about this earlier today, my worst nightmare is people describing the physical attributes of dicks. Horrifying.
KAYLA: (laughing) Have you heard the news story about the hot sauce and Drake?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Okay, so this was like back in January, but Drake had sex with this Instagram model, and they used a condom, and he went to the bathroom to dispose of it and put hot sauce in it to kill the sperm, and then the woman went into the bathroom, picked the condom out of the trash, and scooped the stuff out and put it inside of her to try to trap him in a pregnancy.
SARAH: Wait, so she actively tried, but because he put the hot sauce?
KAYLA: So then there was hot sauce in it – don’t know how she didn’t notice that – so then it burned and she felt bad, so she tried to sue him.
SARAH: She tried to sue him?!
KAYLA: Yeah, so obviously this has happened before to him if he’s carrying around hot sauce to kill sperm. Obviously someone has tried to trap him in a pregnancy before.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: The point of the story is that in her report of what happened, she described everything in a lot of detail.
SARAH: Oh goodness.
KAYLA: Including his penis.
SARAH: Was the word girth used?
KAYLA: No, I don’t know that you want to hear what was used.
SARAH: Oh, I don’t. I don’t.
KAYLA: Girth was not used, but it was quite the description.
SARAH: At least that’s good. Horrifying.
KAYLA: Anyway, this has been a really good episode.
SARAH: But also, here’s another thing. Other men care more about the size of your penis. That’s true about straight men too because it’s like a –
KAYLA: Oh yeah, I was thinking mostly in terms of straight man to straight man.
SARAH: Yeah. It’s a status thing.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: I haven’t asked a lot of gay men about their thoughts about the size of dicks. I would personally, me, knowing a lot about the sex lives of gay men, I would think that big dicks would be even scarier.
KAYLA: That’s my feeling, that it would be the same thing of a dick is too big, but I’ve never been a gay man who’s had gay man sex.
SARAH: Or, you know, just had a little penis up the booty. You don’t have to be a gay man to do that.
KAYLA: (laughing) That’s actually so true. Anyway.
SARAH: Anyway, next one.
KAYLA: The better you are at romantic relationships, the less you have. However, to get better, you probably need to have many.
SARAH: Yeah, that’s true.
KAYLA: Wild.
SARAH: That’s accurate. I would say that that is true. Do you have anything else to say on that, or are we just going to move on?
(25:00)
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: No notes.
KALYA: Just food for thought.
SARAH: Now here is one. What this is supposed to say is while having an orgasm, men lose weight.
KAYLA: (laughing) Huh? Oh my god.
SARAH: Which is true.
KAYLA: I hate that.
SARAH: But they misspelled it, so it says while having an orgasm, men loose weight.
KAYLA: Mm.
SARAH: And the top comment is someone who says “just fyi here is an article on the difference between lose and loose”
KAYLA: Oh my god. Petty.
SARAH: And they copy and pasted –
KAYLA: Pet-ty.
SARAH: – an article explaining the difference between lose and loose. They even included their source.
KAYLA: I cannot believe this.
SARAH: And then OP responded with “okay I got it” and then that emoji that’s like a smiley face but there’s like a sweat.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Anyway, OP is correct even if they spelled lose wrong. That’s accurate. I have one last one that’s kind of an anticlimactic last one. Do you have anything good?
KAYLA: I’m doing a little search.
SARAH: Okay, well I’ll do my last one which is TUMS – and this is in reference to the thing you eat if your tummy hurts to make you feel better – tums backwards is smut and that makes a lot of sense because you take it when your stomach is being a little naughty.
KAYLA: I cannot do that. I cannot deal with that.
SARAH: I told you it was anticlimactic.
KAYLA: I didn’t like that. Oh no, I found one. It's terrible.
SARAH: Tell me more.
KAYLA: No matter what you use to clean up after sex, it’s technically a baby wipe.
SARAH: Uhh.
KAYLA: It’s obviously only pertains to sex that involves sperm.
SARAH: Well yeah that’s what I was going to say, only pertains to sex that involves sperm. So that’s untrue.
KAYLA: But I still so much hate it. The thought of it.
SARAH: Yeah. It’s upsetting. Anyway, do you want to hear this horrifying Tweet article that I found?
KAYLA: I have one last one.
SARAH: Oh yeah, go ahead.
KAYLA: It’s relevant to a previous discussion. It says a man will only try to convince you his penis isn’t that big when he’s lobbying for anal sex. So apparently it is an issue.
SARAH: Well yeah because you’re dealing with a smaller?
KAYLA: I mean I believe it.
SARAH: It starts out as a smaller –
KAYLA: It seems we found our proof.
SARAH: Yeah. Big brain. My brain is big, dick is not.
KAYLA: You’ve never been bigger. You’ve never been more massive.
SARAH: Big dick scary. No, get dick away from Sarah. Sarah is afraid of dick. Anyway, now this Tweet that I found.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: First of all, the caption, I thought I was having a stroke reading it. I eventually figured out what it said, but I was very confused at first. The caption is “have mother of sons considered being fucking normal?” but if you don’t read it with the right, you know, not tambor, tambor’s not the right word.
KAYLA: Emphasis?
SARAH: Yes. Sure. I was like have mother of sons considered being fucking normal and I was like what’s happening?
KAYLA: That is – yeah.
SARAH: I was struggling. Thought I was having a stroke. Anyway it is screenshots of this article from this website called Grown and Flown.
KAYLA: I know this website.
SARAH: Do you?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Oh. Is it because of –
KAYLA: Because of work.
SARAH: Yeah. Wow. Amazing. It’s on Grown and Flown and it is written by a woman named Lisa Leshaw on November 4, 2017.
KAYLA: Wow I found a picture of her. She looks –
SARAH: She’s something else.
KAYLA: exactly the way you think she’s going to.
SARAH: Yes, she looks exactly what you think she’s going to look like. Anyway, it’s under the header of relationships and it’s called “when your son’s new love is the other woman.” “I knew this day was coming when you would walk through the door with HER – all caps – the girl you say is everything. I am queasy and nauseous and have my head bent between my knees to prevent another fainting episode. We should never have sent you away to college. That was your father’s ingenious idea. You could have lived at home and attended the local university, and then we or at least me could have kept an eye on you and discouraged early love. Her name is Diane. Big Whoop”
(30:00)
(laughter)
SARAH: “she’s an honors student. Okay not bad, but so are you. That’s not a reason to pick a life mate. She’s welcome to have dinner with our family since that’s the only way I’m going to have any quality time with you. I will pull this off with the finesse of centuries old royalty. She wants to know my favorite flower? None of her business. I don’t need her trying to impress me. Why did you tell her I’m a good cook? Is she expecting me to prepare your favorite meal? Great. So she doesn’t cook, does she? Did you mention to her that you’ll be going onto grad school right after college? I have an epiphany while scraping off dessert plates. My son is in love with a young woman who is an awful lot like me. You know how they say that daughters look to marry men who remind them of their fathers? Does someone want to take credit for knowing that sons try to find women that remind them of their mothers? She’s really adorable. He’s really blessed” End of article.
KAYLA: I have read so many stories about the incestual love of boy moms.
SARAH: Weird.
KAYLA: This is a phenomenon that exists.
SARAH: It’s like this society expects your child to go off and fall in love with a woman and get married, but some women are so attached to their sons that they don’t want a girl taking their son away from them. I mean, this can happen with daughters to, but it’s a –
KAYLA: It’s a very Freudian situation.
SARAH: Yes. And it’s so weird.
KAYLA: Freud would love this article.
SARAH: He would love this article. And it’s just like she’s so salty, like “I knew this day was coming. She’s an honors student, yeah but so are you. That’s not a reason to pick a life mate. You could’ve lived at home. I could’ve kept an eye on you and discouraged early love”. Bitch, what the fuck are you – ? What are you talking – and then at the end it takes a very sudden turn and she’s like “wow she’s a lot like me. She’s really adorable. He’s really blessed.” What? What is happening?
KAYLA: I have seen quite a few TikToks of people whose mother-in-law is like this.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: And they have had to cut their mother-in-law out of their lives.
SARAH: God.
KAYLA: Because she will hate her daughter-in-law and be super protective over her son, and it’s this weird overbearing vibe but also a weird, incestual kind of vibe.
SARAH: It’s like they’re trying to incite a fight with another woman over a man that is their son.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, it’s like wanting the son for themselves.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: But it’s so –
SARAH: It also comes back to the people having kids for the wrong reasons.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: You don’t have kids so you have someone that belongs to you. That’s not the point.
KAYLA: It’s all very bizarre.
SARAH: So, I just wanted to share that horrifying thing. It doesn’t really have to do with the episode, but –
KAYLA: It’s a lot.
SARAH: – what is this episode anyway?
KAYLA: So true. Yeah, I agree I don’t know how we could turn that into a whole episode, but that weird –
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: I think it’s especially a mother/son thing for whatever reason.
SARAH: Mhm. I think that’s all.
KAYLA: What a wild episode.
SARAH: What a wild time. Okay. What’s our poll for this week?
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: What are we talking about?
SARAH: I don’t know, what’s our poll?
KAYLA: Oh, what’s the poll. I didn’t hear you ask that.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: I think we should ask people for their shower thoughts.
SARAH: Mm, yeah that’s good.
KAYLA: Give me a shower thought.
SARAH: Give me a shower thought, yeah. What’s a thought I had in the shower today? I was intentionally thinking in German in the shower today, and then you know what happened? It made me remember that I had to send an email to someone in German. I sent an email today in German. I actually used my German degree.
KAYLA: I have never been so proud in my entire life.
SARAH: I’ve never been so surprised.
KAYLA: I don’t really have thoughts in the shower because I have a lot of work to do in the shower.
SARAH: A lot to do. Do you listen to things when you’re in the shower?
(35:00)
KAYLA: I do.
SARAH: Fair.
KAYLA: Sometimes. I feel like most of the time at this point. I just don’t find showers relaxing the way a lot of people do.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: I’m busy. I have a lot of hair to maintain.
SARAH: She’s scrub-a-dub-dubbing.
KAYLA: Showers are a business engagement for me.
SARAH: (quietly) business engagement.
KAYLA: They’re business, not pleasure.
SARAH: Yeah. Efficiency is key.
KAYLA: They’re not efficient. Especially if it’s a shower where you have to do all of it.
SARAH: Making it as efficient as possible is key.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway. Cool.
KAYLA: An everything shower is the worst. Anyway.
SARAH: Not an everything shower. Kayla.
KAYLA: Mhm?
SARAH: What is your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: What isn’t it, you know?
SARAH: Okay, I have a thing that I wrote out as my beef that I wasn’t sure if I was going to say, but I’ll say it. My beef is people – I’m just going to say it in a less angry voice than I envisioned.
(laughter)
SARAH: My beef is people who are like “do Americans realize this doesn’t happen in other countries” shut the fuck up. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then either you’re listening to this podcast at a time that is not the time it was released or you’re blissfully unaware of events in the United States right now. There’s a reason we did a silly episode this week. So everyone who’s like “you realize that other places – you can just make laws to fix” We know! We know! And then people are like “oh well in my country guns are banned and we have universal health care and maybe have Americans considered?” Shut the fuck up. We know.
KAYLA: I’ve considered it every day of my life actually, unfortunately.
SARAH: We are trying to fix it.
KAYLA: Voting does nothing anymore, so.
SARAH: Yeah, but the system is rigged against us, and people acting all holier than thou and bragging about how good you have it in your country wherever you live and about how your people are so much smarter than mine is doing jackshit to help the people suffering and dying en masse in this fucking country. I had more to say but I deleted it because I didn’t want to let this bullshit overrun the podcast. My juice is puppies with one ear that stands up and the other one that flops down.
KAYLA: That’s a very good juice. I have spent probably 90% of the past 2 days just talking about my beefs.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: Which I think are obvious given the current state of things. I don’t think this needs to be said. Sarah and I are obviously anti-gun.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Just to put that out there.
SARAH: I would prefer that we maybe don’t murder children. Just like as a rule.
KAYLA: That’s so political of you, Sarah.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: I can’t believe you would say that. That’s crazy.
SARAH: I know. Outrageous.
KAYLA: Things are…
SARAH: Yeah. You saying “well in other countries this happened and they made a law and they fixed it” yeah that’s not helping. Thanks. (whispering, chanting repeatedly) Dogs with one ear up and one ear down.
KAYLA: There’s nothing we can say that hasn’t already been said. My juice is I finished the book I was reading, which is good, because it was real depressing.
SARAH: Are you going to tell us what it was?
KAYLA: Well I’m afraid people are going to get mad at me because it’s a really popular book but it’s supposed to be the best fantasy book since whenever, but it’s called The Name of the Wind.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: It’s just, the whole book was bad shit happening to this character which was mandatory for the setup of the trilogy.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But just not what I wanted right now.
SARAH: Sometimes it’s not what you want.
KAYLA: No. It’s also one of those books with not a lot of plot. It’s mostly a character study.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: Which is not my type of fiction.
SARAH: Yeah you have to be emotionally prepared for that.
KAYLA: Yeah. In theory that’s nice, but it’s not the type of fiction that I go for, so I was just having a real struggle, but it’s the second time I tried to read it and I was like “I have to finish this before I let myself read something else”
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: But I finished it and I bought 2 new books including Sarah’s highly recommended Red, White, and Royal Blue, so.
SARAH: If you don’t like it, I will –
KAYLA: I can’t see why I wouldn’t.
SARAH: I will cry so much that my tears form a river to the Pacific Ocean.
KAYLA: Wow.
(40:00)
SARAH: That is more robust than the LA river herself. Now, is it hard to be more robust than LA river? No, often the LA river is straight up dry. However, I will cry so many tears that they create a river to the sea, and I will kayak down that river into the sea, and I will keep kayaking directly into the sea, and I will kayak directly into the sun, and what will happen next? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll befriend a shark.
KAYLA: You’ll probably hit land eventually. It is round, you know.
SARAH: If I go straight out the Pacific?
KAYLA: You’ll hit land eventually.
SARAH: I probably wouldn’t be alive.
KAYLA: No, but I don’t think you’d run into the sun either, to be honest.
SARAH: Well the goal is to run into the sun.
KAYLA: Good luck, bud.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: Sarah’s beef next week: “well I wasn’t able to run into the sun actually, which was a shock”
SARAH: I couldn’t get there.
KAYLA: I know we’re all shocked to hear this, but unsuccessful.
SARAH: And my second beef will be salt water makes my skin itchy.
KAYLA: (laughing) I can’t wait. We’re going to have a podcast from a kayak before we have a podcast from the car.
SARAH: Kayakcast. Anyway, are you done?
KAYLA: Yeah, I guess.
SARAH: Great. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your podcast, how big your tear river is on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you want to support us that way. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Jennifer Smart the OG, Jessica Shea, Jolly Lizbert, Julianne, and Kathryn Bailey. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote their dogs Leia, Minnie, and Loki, Martin Chiesl who would like to promote his podcast If everyone’s special then no one is, Mattie who would like to promote gender euphoria, and sometimes that gender euphoria meaning not having nipples, I guess. Potater who would like to potate potatoes (laughing)
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Potater who would like to potate potatoes, and Purple Hayes who would like to potate – it’s blank. I didn’t write anything. Purple Hayes did you tell me and I just didn’t write it down? Purple Hayes is promoting potating. Our other – where am I? Who am I? Our other $10 patrons are Rosie Costello, the Barefoot Backpacker, the Steve, Arcnes, Ari K, Benjamin Ybarra, Changeling and Alex the ace cat, David Jay, David Nurse, Derek and Carissa, Cinnamon Toast Punch, and my aunt Jeannie. Our $15 patrons are Andrew Hillum who would like to promote The Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline who would like to promote AceOfHearts, Dia Chappell who would like to promote the Realm of Divinos Kickstarter, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends who are constructive, supportive and help you grow as a better person, Leila who would like to promote “Love is love” also applying to aro people, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla’s aunt Nina Maggart who would like to promote @katemaggart.art, and Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere. Our $20 patrons are Sabrina Hauck, thank you for Christmas! Nailed it. Our other $20 patron is Dragonfly who would like to promote –
KAYLA: Flying away, like a dragon into the sun.
SARAH: Yeah I was going to say something and then I was like “no I think that’s a stupid thing to say” so I sat in a weird silence and Kayla filled it in. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
SARAH: (whispering) And your one fluffy eared dogs where one ear is up and the other ear is down and they can listen to the podcast through their ears too. Oh no, this turned into ASMR I’m so sorry goodbye.
(43:49)