Ep 5: Queer Platonic Relationships and Marriages
Listen to Ep 5: Queer Platonic Relationships and Marriages here!
SARAH: Hey, what's up, hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl, I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all the things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode: platonic marriages.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro Music*
SARAH: This week, we're talking about platonic marriage. We're talking about queer platonic relationships, or QPRs. We're talking about all sorts of fun stuff, but as always, we need a disclaimer, Kayla. Disclaimer: (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.) I'm not an expert on any of this stuff. I have only learned about it from the internet. I did a little bit more research last night, but honestly, there's not that much on the internet about it.
KAYLA: And I'm not even queer.
SARAH: Yeah, so here we are. (KAYLA: I'm here, I'm not queer.) Well, fun fact, you don't have to be queer to be in a queer platonic relationship.
KAYLA: That's true, but I feel like, as a non-queer person, I'm probably even less knowledgeable than you are.
SARAH: I mean, fair. Okay.
KAYLA: Also, you did the research yesterday, and I just sat on the couch.
SARAH: I was also the one who knew the term “QPR.”
KAYLA: Yeah, I didn't know.
SARAH: Okay, but basically, a “QPR” - which, I will continue to call it that, because that's a lot easier than “queer platonic relationship.”
KAYLA: I think you're just lazy.
SARAH: Okay, both. It is basically a relationship that is often viewed as similar to a romantic relationship in terms of depth, and in terms of that sort of thing, but is NOT considered a romantic relationship. It can be sexual, from what I hear (KAYLA: Sure.), but when I think of a QPR, I think of one who is generally neither.
KAYLA: I think of just a really great friendship (SARAH: Yeah.) that has...a friendship is kind of like, 'whatever, oh we're friends', but a QPR is like, 'We. (claps) Are. (claps) Friends. (claps) And we're in this relationship. (claps)'
SARAH: Right. It's kind of like how a couple episodes we were talking about David Jay, I think is his name--If I messed up his name, I'm sorry! About how he was talking about when he sat down with his friend and (KAYLA: Yeah.), it's a similar thing to that, but I think there are more specific boundaries.
KAYLA: Yeah. Because I was thinking the other day about our episode about platonic versus romantic relationships.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Really, the more I think about it, it seems like, because I was thinking, you know, if you're not in an open relationship, you can't have another relationship and it not be cheating. So (SARAH: Yeah.) unless you're in an open relationship (SARAH: That's interesting.), it's cheating. But you do have to set those boundaries. You have to decide if you're open or closed.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: But for friendships, I can be your best friend (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) and also someone else's best friend (SARAH: Right.), and you'll probably only get a little jealous.
SARAH: Yeah, listen.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Sidenote: Sarah told me the other day that she wanted to be best friends with this new kid she met, and I am (SARAH: That is an exaggeration!) offended. All I'm saying is that you came to me, and you were like, 'I met this new kid, I want to be his best friend', and I was like, 'excuse me!'
SARAH: Bitch.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: He's not going to replace you.
KAYLA: Good. He suddenly is the second host on this podcast.
SARAH: There's a mirror, and I can see my face, and I don't like it. Kayla, please turn it.
KAYLA: Is it because you're ugly?
SARAH: No, it's because I keep looking at it.
KAYLA: Wow, narcissist. Anyway, so I feel like the real difference between a romantic relationship and just a friendship is that you have to set boundaries like that.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: With a normal friendship, I don't have boundaries with you.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: If you started texting someone else, I'd be jealous about it (SARAH: Yeah.), but if my boyfriend was going out with other people (SARAH: Right.) as a date, I mean, what are you doing?
SARAH: That's also really interesting, because when you said that, it made me think of, a lot of times, if you're in a romantic, sexual relationship, that's the depth. As we said before, The depth is a main part of that, so if you are in a closed relationship, and if you are doing whatever with someone else, that's cheating. That sort of means that you can really only have that depth with one person.
KAYLA: Right. Unless you have (SARAH: Right.)...what's it called?
SARAH: A QPR.
KAYLA: Well, no. (SARAH: Oh.) Unless you have a relationship with more than one person. What is that called?
SARAH: Oh. An open relationship, or (KAYLA: Yeah.) polyamorous?
KAYLA: Either or both.
SARAH: Yeah, okay.
KAYLA: But for me, that's what makes a QPR more like a romantic relationship, is you set those boundaries.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: You say you're in a QPR.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I guess we label each other as best friends (SARAH: Right.), but that's not so set.
SARAH: I think we should take a hot second to just better explain for a hot second what a QPR is.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, as you said earlier, it's along the lines of "romantic, sexual relationship", in terms of the connection. A lot of people who are in QPRs, who are real-life adults might live with their partner (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.), and they may choose to share finances with their partner. Basically all the benefits of being in a long-term romanic, sexual relationship (KAYLA: Right.) without that romance.
KAYLA: Right. So it'd be like if, after college, we went and we lived together, we shared finances, we maybe got married.
SARAH: Yeah. Oh my god. So basically, there's no rule stopping people who are in QPRs from getting married.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: And I don't know if I've ever heard of anyone in a QPR getting married, but I'm sure it's happened.
KAYLA: I kind of see...don't see why you shouldn't.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: I feel like if I was in a QPR, I'd be like, 'we should get married' (SARAH: Right.), because...
SARAH: This is only going to benefit us.
KAYLA: Yeah, because a big part of getting married, I feel like - and this kind of ruins the romance, I feel like, of it (SARAH: Yeah.) - is the financial things. We were talking in the past episode about how you can't go in the hospital with your friend (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) because you're not married to them (SARAH: Right.), so you can't go in with them or something. If you're married, you have those benefits.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because if we're off living together, and we're not near our families (SARAH: Yeah.), we're kind of our main contact person.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: You're my emergency contact.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And then, if we are married, we can share finances, do tax things. I feel like it would be the best option to get married.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: If I was in a QPR (SARAH: Yeah.), I'd be like, “let's get married.”
SARAH: And as someone who, like me, is aroace, and it's highly unlikely that I would ever end up in a (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.) romantic relationship that might get in the way of a QPR (KAYLA: Yeah.), I would be like, “sure, let's get married.”
KAYLA: Yeah, if you were in a QPR, but thought maybe one day you would (SARAH: Yeah.) have a romantic relationship (SARAH: Right.), then I would see that, but for (SARAH: Right.) someone like you, who doesn't necessarily want that?
SARAH: Yeah, and that is interesting because one of the things I did find when I was doing research is that it was definitely specified that you do not have to be under the ace umbrella to be in a QPR.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You can be of any sexuality, any romantic orientation; you could be straight.
KAYLA: We could get (SARAH: We could.) QPR married.
SARAH: Let's do it. I think a lot of times, it's associated with the ace umbrella (KAYLA: Yeah.), just because I guess it's maybe more likely that people who are ace might (KAYLA: Yeah.) want to do that, but anyone can do it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I think it just makes the most logistic sense for ace people (SARAH: Right.) because you don't want long-term romantic relationship. That doesn't mean you don't want long-term other relationships.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: The QPR just kind of solidifies (SARAH: Yeah, exactly.) that.
SARAH: Eggs...actly. Eggs. I said eggs. Also, fun fact. A lot of people who are in QPRs refer to their partner as their zucchini.
KAYLA: Okay, because (BOTH: (laughs)) I looked at the document that you were doing research on, and you said zucchinis, and I thought that was just you being stupid.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: So, why?
SARAH: Okay, so basically, from what the internet tells me (KAYLA: (laughs) I kind of hate it.), there aren't a lot of terms - well, I know this from real life - there aren't a lot of terms used to describe people who you are in a relationship with when it is not a romantic or sexual relationship. Other than-
BOTH: Friend.
SARAH: And so, especially for those deeper relationships, there was no good word to use. So people, kind of jokingly, were like, “zucchini!”
KAYLA: Oh my god!
SARAH: And then it just stuck. (laughs)
KAYLA: So, people started it as a joke (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) when QPRs first became (SARAH: When they were first talked about, yeah.) a thing. And so, if we were in a QPR, you'd be my zucchini.
SARAH: Yeah. I mean, you're not required to use that word.
KAYLA: So, if I were to come home to my parents and be like, “hey guys, meet my-”
BOTH: Zucchini?
SARAH: I mean, if you're coming home to your parents, you might say “partner.”
KAYLA: Yeah, but that makes it seem like it's romantic.
SARAH: I mean, “zucchini” and “partner” are really your only options, if you think about it. I mean, (KAYLA: (laughs)) that's why the word “zucchini” came up, because partner was your only option. (laughs)
KAYLA: So stupid.
SARAH: But honestly-
KAYLA: Zucchini.
SARAH: Ace to zucchini.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Like 'A to Z'?
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Bad joke. I should have set it up better.
KAYLA: Do you want another try?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Okay. (laughs)
KAYLA: So I guess, I feel like this went on our list of ideas because I asked you one time if you would get platonic married.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, (clears throat) excuse me. Would you get platonic married, and would you please platonic marry me? (laughs)
SARAH: Yes, I will platonic marry you.
KAYLA: Tight.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't be mad at it. It's not the sort of thing that I'm out there looking for in life. I'm not searching for a zucchini.
KAYLA: I am woman, looking for-
BOTH: Zucchini.
SARAH: (laughs) Oh man, people might take that wrong if they don't know the word.
KAYLA: I'm tweeting it.
SARAH: Okay. I wouldn't be mad at it. I'm not out here looking for it, but I feel like that's a good way to...I don't know. I don't want to be alone as an old lady.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: I think that's a good way to ensure financial stability, and this human who you want to hang out with (KAYLA: Yeah. It's like a permanent roommate.) your whole life, basically. Technically, that's what a spouse is also.
KAYLA: Yeah, but you don't want that.
SARAH: No, but I mean they would be my spouse if I married them.
KAYLA: They would be your spouse. Do you think you would refer to them as your husband or wife?
SARAH: I have no idea what I would refer to them as.
KAYLA: Because that would be weird. Imagine if we were platonic married and I was just like, “oh, here's my wife.”
SARAH: Oh, here's my wife.
KAYLA: That implies that it's romantic or sexual (SARAH: Right.), which grosses me out.
SARAH: Hey. (laughs)
KAYLA: That's nasty.
SARAH: I have no idea what I would refer to my partner as.
KAYLA: A zucchini? Hey, mom.
SARAH: Hey, mom.
KAYLA: It's my zucchini.
SARAH: My zucchini. Yeah, I don't know, because when I talk to people who don't know my friends, I never refer to them by their name. Like, my friend, or my roommate, or whatever.
KAYLA: My zucchini.
SARAH: My zucchini.
KAYLA: Maybe you would just call them your roommate.
SARAH: I guess you could. But once you get into your forties-
KAYLA: (interrupting) A roommate is a little weird.
SARAH: What do you have a roommate for? You're forty-two. I'll be like, “Listen!”
BOTH: (laugh)
KAYLA: You're just a lonely lady.
SARAH: Yeah, no, I wouldn't be mad at it. I think it might be difficult just in my career goals (KAYLA: Yeah.), but that's true for anyone who would want to be getting romantically married with my career as well.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: It's just a personal life choice problem, not to do with my sexuality at all.
KAYLA: Yeah. Do you think, if you got platonic married, you'd propose to your zucchini?
SARAH: I feel like I, personally, wouldn't propose to them.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: Is that the question?
KAYLA: Yeah. If you imagine a life where you had a QPR and you wanted to get married (SARAH: Yeah.), would you propose to your zucchini?
SARAH: I don't know, because I would feel like I wouldn't want to make it a huge deal.
KAYLA: But it'd be funny. (laughs)
SARAH: I might do it as a joke, but after I'd talked to them about it.
KAYLA: Well, yeah.
SARAH: And you know how some people just (KAYLA: Yeah.) spring proposals on people? In a QPR, I would say maybe not do that.
KAYLA: Well, yeah. Because I'm imagining this person's going to be your friend.
SARAH: Yeah, though I would hate them.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: My favorite trope.
SARAH: (laughs) Enemies to QPR partners. Enemies to zucchinis.
KAYLA: Can you write that novel, please?
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Enemies to zucchinis. From E to Z.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: What's an enemy word that starts with A?
SARAH: Antagonist.
KAYLA: Ooh, antagonists to zucchinis. I'd read that so fast.
SARAH: Amazing.
KAYLA: Would you want a wedding?
SARAH: I would say, I would not do a full out wedding with everyone I know.
KAYLA: You told me the other day you just wanted to get married to get the gifts.
SARAH: Okay, you're not wrong. Here's the thing: I forgot we were putting this in this episode.
KAYLA: You texted me that.
SARAH: Hold on. Okay. I like weddings. We'll just talk about weddings in this one, too.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I like weddings. I think weddings are very cool. I think it's like, you get to celebrate with your whole family, this cool thing you've got (KAYLA: This person you've grabbed.), this nice thing. I do kind of hate when people are like, 'oh, this is the start of a new life.' I mean, in my mind - sorry if this is not how you think - but in my mind, if you're getting married, you should've been together for awhile.
KAYLA: Well, yeah. My problem with the “start of a new life” is your relationship shouldn't be different before and after you get married.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: To be ready to be married, you should already be acting (SARAH: Right.) like a mature (SARAH: Yeah.), together couple. So, I feel like, I don't know.
SARAH: Right. I think there are things that might change, financially, once you're married.
KAYLA: Yeah, or if you didn't live together before (SARAH: Right.), which I think is a bad decision.
SARAH: I think it's a bad idea. Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, there's definitely going to be changes, but a new life?
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: New wife, new life. (laughs)
SARAH: Oh, I hate that. No, but I've heard people being like, “oh, once you're married, all of your friends change and stuff.” And I'm like, “wrong, stop that.”
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: Don't leave me behind. But anyway.
KAYLA: I'm going to leave you.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Just kidding. You're going to live in my basement.
SARAH: (laughs) I have a lot of mixed feelings about weddings, because I mean, I really love them, and I think it's a cool celebration of this relationship you have, but on the other hand, it's twofold. One, because back to the whole idea of everyone thinking that that's what everyone wants and thinking that everyone should want that.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: But also, just, for me, well I'll never have that.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I'm not mad about my sexuality or anything.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: It's not that sort of thing. It's more just like, “well, I'm never going to be able to have this sort of thing just because...meh”, but if I had a QPR--
KAYLA: Then you would.
SARAH: I might.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And so, that's just a thing...I don't know. That's a thing.
KAYLA: Weddings are just kind of...I mean, I like weddings.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: They're fun. I've been to some weird ones.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But it is interesting that people refer to it as the happiest day of your life.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Which I understand.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: I love weddings.
SARAH: Right. I enjoy weddings.
KAYLA: I love the idea of love, and marriage is great (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) if you want it, but it is interesting that it's this giant event that's above all other events (SARAH: Right.) when there are a lot of people in long-term relationships now that aren't even getting married (SARAH: Right.) because they don't see a need for that ceremony to prove that they love each other.
SARAH: Right. Or they're just going to the courthouse, or that sort of thing.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I think, again, I totally understand “happiest day of your life”, you're making it official (KAYLA: Yeah.), this is all this cool stuff. There's no going back now, unless you're the fifty percent of people that get divorced (KAYLA: Divorce rates.), am I right, ladies?
KAYLA: Our new tagline.
SARAH: Our new tagline. But I just forgot what I was saying. What was I saying?
KAYLA: No way back.
SARAH: There's no going back, and so people will be like, “this is a big step forward”, but at the same time, you should be, you know, (KAYLA: You should be there.) not enjoying, necessarily, every day with this person because that's not realistic, but you know...I don't know.
KAYLA: It's not like you getting married should make you love them more.
SARAH: Right, exactly.
KAYLA: It’s not something you should do to prove...I feel like a lot of times, you see relationships that aren't really working (SARAH: Yeah.), and some people get married because they think that's going to fix it.
SARAH: That sounds like a horrible idea.
KAYLA: Yeah, but I've seen it happen.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And so, the idea of viewing it as like, “marriage is going to change everything” is (SARAH: Yeah.) just wrong.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because your relationship is still the same two people, you just have a different label and some different benefits.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And maybe you're now allowed to have sex (SARAH: Yeah.), if that's your view.
SARAH: And I think a lot of times, I've heard of instances where getting married has made relationships fall apart.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: And I think that's kind of just, it's not necessarily the change in the relationship, it's the change in how you think about the relationship, is when this happens.
KAYLA: Yeah. And all the expectations (SARAH: Right.) from the outside.
SARAH: Exactly. Which is interesting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: No, but wedding gifts.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah, I know the other day I texted Kayla, and I was like, “I just want to get married to get the wedding gifts” because (KAYLA: Get a nice gravy boat.) I'm broke. I don't eat gravy.
KAYLA: Okay, but that's The Wedding Gift, is the gravy boat.
SARAH: Only if it were a puking squirrel gravy boat.
KAYLA: I hate it.
SARAH: In my family, we have a gravy boat where it's shaped like a squirrel and the gravy comes out the squirrel's mouth. And my uncle always makes puking noises when he's pouring it. (laughs)
KAYLA: That's disgusting.
SARAH: It's just (KAYLA: But also the epitome of your family.) the epitome of my family, yeah.
KAYLA: Truly.
SARAH: I wouldn't be mad at the gifts. I feel like that's one of the things I'm just like, “well, I'll probably never get married, so what if I want a KitchenAid mixer?”
KAYLA: That is an interesting thing, because I feel like when you graduate high school, you have your grad party (SARAH: Yeah.), and you get a bunch of things to prepare you for college. And a lot of times, you leave college, maybe after a few years you get married, and then you get a bunch of after-college adult things (SARAH: Yeah.), but if you don't get married, who's going to buy those things for you?
SARAH: You've got to pay for them yourself! I mean, this is my own (KAYLA: It's quite tragic.) First World problem.
KAYLA: Oh, for sure. Not even First World, just upper middle class (SARAH: Yeah.), Midwestern problem.
SARAH: Basically. But I don't know.
KAYLA: But it is something to think about, that even without the gifts things, you don't get certain privileges.
SARAH: Definitely.
KAYLA: Even besides benefits or financial things, just in society. (SARAH: There are pitfalls.) I mean, we talked about this in the romantic vs. platonic relationship (SARAH: Right.), you just are viewed differently (SARAH: Right.), and it's kind of weird. Because people might look at you when you're older and unmarried, they'll be like, “oh, she's so sad.” And you're not.
SARAH: It's like, “bitch, I have the cutest dog on the planet.”
KAYLA: Also, there's other reasons to pity you that are much better.
SARAH: (emphatically) Okay.
KAYLA: Am I wrong? You being single is the least of their worries.
SARAH: It's literally the smallest problem I have.
KAYLA: There are so many more things to worry- (SARAH: I wouldn't call it a problem.) Yeah. There's bigger things that I worry about for you. For instance, everything.
SARAH: Everything else. I think one of my biggest beefs--
KAYLA: (interrupting) Speaking of beefs.
SARAH: Yeah?
KAYLA: You know how we always ask for cow pictures?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: My boyfriend sent me a cow pic unsolicited yesterday (SARAH: It was beautiful.), and I don't think I've ever loved him more.
SARAH: It was amazing.
KAYLA: We might get married soon.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: He sends me a picture of a cow with the ring on, and that's the proposal.
SARAH: Oh my god. Please.
KAYLA: That would be enough of a proposal for me.
SARAH: What if he gives you a stuffed cow wearing a ring?
KAYLA: You know how sometimes people put rings on their dogs' noses (SARAH: Mm-hmm.), and that's how they propose? Bring me to a farm (SARAH: Bring me to a farm.), and have the cow somehow not eat the ring.
SARAH: Get me a cow.
KAYLA: That's the proposal.
SARAH: Amazing.
KAYLA: I don't want a ring, I just want-- Give me a cow.
SARAH: Give me a cow. Yeah, and then just carry the cow everywhere you go so everyone will know that you're engaged.
KAYLA: Yeah, instead of an engagement ring--
SARAH: It's an engagement cow.
KAYLA: An engagement cow.
SARAH: It's a dowry, but opposite.
KAYLA: A cowry.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Yes!
SARAH: Yeah, what was I saying before you interrupted me with cows?
KAYLA: (laughs) I don't know. Your biggest beef with marriage.
SARAH: My biggest beef with marriage, besides the way society views it, my biggest beef with the institution itself (KAYLA: Yeah.), for me it's just a little sad. I'll never get this. People will never be able to come to my wedding and hang out, and spend this day with all my family and this person who I think is pretty neat.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: But I don't know, it's not like it's impossible for an aroace person to not have that. It's also not the epitome of being in a good relationship.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: With your family, or with anyone else.
KAYLA: No, yeah. It's just a nice way to celebrate it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I think weddings obviously are fun. I don't think they're the most important thing in the world, but (SARAH: Yeah.) for someone that really likes their family (SARAH: Yeah.), you know. Weddings are fun.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You get to go get drunk with your friends, and it's funny.
SARAH: And listen to Despacito twice.
KAYLA: And have a bad DJ, and just, you know.
SARAH: Yeah. All night jam.
KAYLA: You know.
SARAH: Sounds stressful, though.
KAYLA: Yeah. Weddings do sound stressful.
SARAH: Sounds very stressful, and honestly, picking a dress sounds horrible.
KAYLA: Yeah, for you I feel like, (SARAH: It would take me months.) it would be bad news. Man, because I would be your maid of honor (SARAH: Yeah.). Obviously, miss.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I think I would be more stressed than you (SARAH: (laughs)) because I'd try to be making you make decisions-
SARAH: And I would be like, 'I can't!'
KAYLA: Can you imagine you on Say Yes to the Dress? There would be ten episodes. It'd be a season that's just you picking your dress, and I'd be sitting on the couch, slowly turning into a skeleton.
SARAH: No, just slowly turning into the couch. (laughs)
KAYLA: Well, you already think I look like a couch, so.
SARAH: Yeah, that's true.
KAYLA: Yeah. Everytime Sarah comes into the house and she can't find me, I'm literally sitting on the couch (SARAH: She's always on the couch.), and I think I'm just one (SARAH: Just a couch, yeah.) with the couch.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: Great.
SARAH: As they say...I don't know what they say.
KAYLA: What do they say?
SARAH: (laughs) As they say, Kayla's a couch.
KAYLA: They do say that.
SARAH: Yeah, no. That'd be horrible. I would personally be horrible at that. But I have a lot of thoughts on nice aesthetics.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I think getting the venue and the prettiness of all the things. My wedding would be gorgeous!
KAYLA: Your wedding would be a Pinterest wedding.
SARAH: It'd be so pretty.
KAYLA: Yeah. You would have a pretty wedding.
SARAH: I also don't think I would be a bridezilla.
KAYLA: I don't think you would either. Can you just do my wedding for me? Will you be my wedding planner?
SARAH: I could try. I don't know if you want me as your wedding planner.
KAYLA: Wait, I don't.
SARAH: I'm not (KAYLA: Never mind.) responsible enough (KAYLA: Nope. Never mind.) or organized enough.
KAYLA: I just want you to pick the pretty things.
SARAH: I'll help you with that.
KAYLA: Okay. Good talk.
SARAH: Yeah. You know what word I read on the internet the other day?
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: The opposite of a bridezilla is a bridechilla.
KAYLA: Like a chinchilla. Can you imagine a chinchilla getting married? (inhales, sounding surprised and pleased)
SARAH: I immediately thought chinchilla. I didn't think chill. (KAYLA: Oh my god, a chinchilla wedding.) Oh my god.
KAYLA: Cute. It's like when people get their dogs married.
SARAH: Instead of me getting married, I'm just going to have a chinchilla wedding.
KAYLA: No, wait, you're going to do.
SARAH: I'm going to marry a chinchilla?
KAYLA: No. You know how sometimes people have dog weddings?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You're going to marry your dogs. Get your dogs married.
SARAH: I just had a very heteronormative thought.
BOTH: (laughs)
SARAH: I was about to say, “but I only want girl dogs.” And then I was like, “bitch!”
KAYLA: Sarah! Dogs can be lesbians.
SARAH: I'm so sorry.
KAYLA: Did you know - I saw this on the internet today - that putting your hand under your chin, like the thinking face, where it makes an L, is sign language for lesbian? So the emoji that's thinking face is literally just saying (SARAH: Is just a lesbian.) lesbian. (laughs)
SARAH: I love it.
KAYLA: A concept.
SARAH: It's truly incredible.
KAYLA: Yeah, I saw that on Twitter, too. It might not be true. I don't know.
SARAH: I love it, though.
KAYLA: It was good. It was a meme.
SARAH: Yeah. Question.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Going back to two topics ago.
KAYLA: (laughs) Mm.
SARAH: If you never got married romantically (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.), would you be up for a QPR ever in your life? Or would you just be like, “nope, I'm still waiting”? For a romantic partner.
KAYLA: At some point, yes, because my biggest fear is dying alone.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: So, I don't know what that age is for me (SARAH: All right.), but there is-
SARAH: (interrupting) If you figure it out, let me know.
KAYLA: There is a time where I would, because I am just terrified of dying alone.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: To just bring this way down, that's my biggest fear in life. So yeah, I don't know what age that is that I start giving up. But even if we're married, I could have an affair.
SARAH: True.
KAYLA: You don't care.
SARAH: Let's have an affair.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Let's have a QPR affair.
KAYLA: No. Well yeah, we can also do that. But if I never get romantic married (SARAH: Yeah.), and if we get QPR married (SARAH: Yeah.), and then if I find a boyfriend, then I'll have an affair with him on you.
SARAH: (sighs) I see how it is.
KAYLA: I'll cheat on you. (SARAH: I see how it is.) We'll still be married. He can live in the basement, and we'll live in our twin beds in our fifties.
SARAH: That's our plan.
KAYLA: No, I can't sleep in a twin bed. We'll have to each have double beds.
SARAH: Okay. I'll have a twin bed, you'll have a double bed.
KAYLA: I want a king, if I get to choose.
SARAH: (emphatically) Oh my god.
KAYLA: Just so I can splay.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: I've never slept in a twin bed. I can't.
SARAH: Yeah, I have just moved into a full bed for the first time in my life.
KAYLA: I've slept in a full bed my entire life, except for two years of college.
SARAH: Yeah, she's ridiculous.
KAYLA: I literally cannot.
SARAH: No, but Kayla told me that if she gets married, I can just live in their basement (KAYLA: Yeah.), and I said no. Her husband can live in the basement (KAYLA: Right.), and we can do that thing like sometimes really religious people do, where we sleep in different beds.
KAYLA: Well, it's like the fifties TV shows (SARAH: Yeah.), where they couldn't show...yeah. So we're going to have-
SARAH: (interrupting) Different rooms, or just different beds?
KAYLA: Different beds! I'll get lonely.
SARAH: (laughs) True.
KAYLA: I just walk into your room, and we live in different rooms now, and it's (SARAH: Yeah.) honestly tragic.
SARAH: It's weird. I know. It makes me feel weird.
KAYLA: I'm kind of sad about it. I want my own space, but also, I'm sad.
SARAH: But also, where's Kayla?
KAYLA: Yeah, every time she comes home, she just looks for me.
SARAH: (whining) You're all the way down the hall.
KAYLA: It's pretty tragic. (laughs) We're just too in love.
SARAH: I know. And we're not even next to each other (KAYLA: I know.), so we can't do morse code on the wall.
KAYLA: (inhales excitedly) Damn it.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: Ooh, we should get a tin can, and just (SARAH: And string it all the way down the hall.) string it all the way down the hallway.
SARAH: We do have phones. Did you know?
KAYLA: But the tin can's cute.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Can we get land lines just for our two rooms to call each other?
SARAH: Honestly, please.
KAYLA: Ooh, walkie talkies. (inhales excitedly)
SARAH: Oh, man.
KAYLA: That would be misused so badly because I would use that a lot, and you would hate me.
SARAH: You would use it to wake me up in the morning.
KAYLA: Yeah, I just walked into Sarah's room this morning.
SARAH: You did.
KAYLA: I got back from class. I just walked into her room.
SARAH: I had woken up literally one minute earlier.
KAYLA: See, I had considered waking you up before I went to class and being like, “you better be up” (SARAH: Waking me up.), because we're here to record and then go get some za, lady.
SARAH: I did not remember falling asleep last night, so we spent ten minutes this morning looking for my phone. (laughs)
KAYLA: It was in her (SARAH: It was just in my blankets.) blanket. (sighs) Things are going well here. (SARAH: I think it's going to rain.) It was the first week of school, so.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Things are going well. (SARAH: Screw raining!) I have a professor who I'm pretty sure is a lizard person.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: Almost positive.
SARAH: Would you marry a lizard person?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Does that make me poly?
SARAH: No, that's not what poly is.
KAYLA: Oh, no. What's the word?
SARAH: Beastiality?
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: No, the sexuality where you don't care about gender.
SARAH: Oh, pan.
KAYLA: Yeah, would that make me pan if I married a lizard person?
SARAH: But that's not gender, that's-
BOTH: Species.
KAYLA: Can we make something that's like pan, except for species?
SARAH: Spie-sexual.
KAYLA: Lizard-sexual.
BOTH: (laughs)
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Lizard-sexual.
SARAH: Now I'm just imagining, you know, The Amazing Spiderman 2, the one with Andrew Garfield (KAYLA: Yeah.), the big lizard thing.
BOTH: (laughs)
SARAH: That's what I'm imagining.
KAYLA: I don't want to marry him. He was creepy.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I want a couple lizards in a trench coat. That's my ideal lizard man.
SARAH: A couple lizards in a trench coat. How big of a trench coat?
KAYLA: An average (SARAH: A full size trench coat?) man size.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: I want it to maybe be a little taller than me.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Because I have normative ideas that I want a man that's taller than me.
SARAH: You know what normative idea I just cannot...that one also (KAYLA: Yeah.), but also if it's a hetero relationship, for some reason in my head, the guy has to be older.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I just can't get that out of my head.
KAYLA: I, yeah. I mean, my boyfriend currently is only six months older than me, but yeah, they kind of need to be.
SARAH: Well, my dad's only four months older than my mom, but (KAYLA: Oh.) even if it's only a month, I'm like, “well, that's weird,” and I'm like, “stop being heteronormative!”
KAYLA: I had one romantic thing (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) with someone that was a couple months younger than me (SARAH: Yeah.), and it went really bad, so that also, I'm like, “well, that young guy (SARAH: That's an omen. (laughs)) was a bitch,” so I better only date fifty year old men!
SARAH: Please don't do that. They'll die! And then you'll marry me.
KAYLA: Then I'll get the money and marry you.
SARAH: (laughs) All right, I accept
KAYLA: Yeah. Good.
SARAH: Good times.
KAYLA: Well, this has been a mess.
SARAH: This has been a mess, as are all of our podcasts. But platonic marriage. Would you listeners - not talking to Kayla, talking to you - would you get platonic married? Would you be interested in a QPR? Did you know what a QPR- This is too many questions. I'm overwhelming them.
KAYLA: Did we describe it wrong? Are you mad at us?
SARAH: Yeah, if you are in a QPR or (KAYLA: Oh my god! (inhales excitedly)) you have more knowledge than me-
KAYLA: (interrupting) I want to talk to someone who's in a QPR. Please find us.
SARAH: Let us know. I think we actually do know one person who is in a QPR.
KAYLA: We do?
SARAH: I think so.
KAYLA: (inhales in surprise) Oh my god.
SARAH: Yeah. But yeah, let us know if we got it wrong or you have more to say.
KAYLA: We're stupid, I'm sorry.
SARAH: No, but if you had never heard of it, or if you (KAYLA: Have questions.) consider yourself not aroace, would you be into doing a QPR (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.) at some point in your life? I'd be interested to know, just because (KAYLA: Yeah.) you don't have to be aroace to be in one.
KAYLA: No, but it does feel like it's mostly an aroace thing.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: But you don't know.
SARAH: Right. There are no rules! There are no rules (KAYLA: No rules. (claps)), everyone.
KAYLA: No rules. (claps)
SARAH: All right. Time for our poll of the day.
KAYLA: Okay. So, we're doing these on Twitter now. We started doing it a couple weeks ago, but since we pre-recorded, we only announced it last week.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: But we're doing Twitter polls, so follow us @soundsfakepod.
SARAH: Or email us at soundsfakepod@gmail.com.
KAYLA: Yeah, or you can add to the poll in the comments of where you're listening.
SARAH: Yeah, you can't answer the poll in the email. I guess you could.
KAYLA: You could.
SARAH: Email us, we'll vote for you.
KAYLA: Yeah, we'll set you up a fake Twitter account (SARAH: Sounds good.) so we get more engagement.
SARAH: I told people to follow us on Twitter, and they were like, 'I don't have Twitter,' and I'm like, “wrong.” (laughs)
KAYLA: That's just rude. So, in the comments of wherever you're listening from, or the reviews, you can give us, I mean, a five-star (SARAH: Five-star.) review.
SARAH: So! What's the poll?
KAYLA: Poll of the day is if you were getting married, and you had a cowry (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) - a dowry of (SARAH: Of cows.) cows - so, if you don't know, a dowry, in olden days, was your dad would give-
SARAH: (interesting) If you're a female.
KAYLA: Yeah, you're a woman, and your dad would give your male suitor some money to marry you (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) because-
SARAH: (interrupting) Because heteronormativity, ownership of women, am I right?
KAYLA: Things were going well back in those days. Everyone was poor.
SARAH: Everything was great.
KAYLA: So, you'd give some land and some goats, or whatever, but we're just doing cowries because I would like to be proposed to with a cow.
SARAH: I would love to have a cow. I love dairy products.
KAYLA: (scoffs) You're just going to use your pet cow for dairy products?
SARAH: I vow to also love them.
KAYLA: Okay, so how many cows would be in your cowry?
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: One.
SARAH: One.
KAYLA: One hundred.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: One million.
SARAH: Wow!
KAYLA: Ooh, we need a fourth.
SARAH: Vegan.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Vegan. Vegan is the fourth. Just vegan. So, there's our poll. Check out our Twitter, or comment anywhere. Your wit.
SARAH: Mm, good one!
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: Wait, where would you keep one million cows?
KAYLA: You know.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You know how there's the question would you want to fight (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) a horse-size duck (SARAH: Yeah.), or a hundred duck-size (SARAH: Duck-size horses.) horses. So maybe your cows are just duck-size.
SARAH: (laughs) Like rubber duck, or like actual duck? Like a mallard?
KAYLA: Up to you. It depends on your cowry.
SARAH: A mallard cow.
KAYLA: That's the interesting thing about the cowry, because not only is it a million cows (SARAH: Mm-hmm.), what size cow? Even if I had a million-cow dowry (SARAH: Right.), you could have a better million-cow dowry.
SARAH: True.
KAYLA: Because they were just great cows.
SARAH: You're bringing me to John Green and infinite sums. Actually, the thing he said in that book was wrong, and he has admitted that it was wrong.
KAYLA: Stupid!
SARAH: (laughs) About infinities. But anyway, yeah. So tell us more. One cowry, one hundred cowry, one million cowry,
BOTH: Vegan.
KAYLA: So yeah, you can do that on our Twitter-
SARAH: (interrupting) @soundsfakepod
KAYLA: On our Gmail-
SARAH: (interrupting) soundsfakepod@gmail.com, or just stop us on the street.
KAYLA: We're here (SARAH: Anyone that I know.), We're on the Diag.
SARAH: You know, people who-
KAYLA: (interrupting) Stop by Festifall today.
SARAH: This is not going to be up.
KAYLA: (laughs) Go back in time.
SARAH: Go back in time.
KAYLA: Go to (SARAH: Stop at Festifall.) Festifall at U of M campus on the Diag.
SARAH: There are lots of U of Ms. Anyway.
KAYLA: The best one.
SARAH: The best one. Figure it out. (laughs) But yeah, thank you for listening. Where can you listen?
KAYLA: You can find us-
SARAH: (interrupting) I mean, they're listening, they know where they can listen.
KAYLA: You can also find us wherever else you are, at iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio, or Google Play.
SARAH: If you don't have an iPhone like all you weird people out there. I'm sorry, I don't mean to alienate you.
KAYLA: Are you alienating (SARAH: I don't mean to.) my listeners?
SARAH: I don't mean to.
KAYLA: I'm sorry, I love you. She’s (SARAH: I’m sorry.) just ugly.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: Yeah, so you can listen to us there, leave your comments and reviews. That would be super neat. Tell all your friends about us.
SARAH: Platonic marry all your friends.
KAYLA: Ooh. Mm-hmm.
SARAH: And also, if you have any ideas for our pod (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.) that you think would be super dope, we have a pretty long list, but if you have one that you think is fantastic, do let us know.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: We might even give you a shout-out.
KAYLA: We will give you a shout-out.
SARAH: We might even will give you a shout-out.
KAYLA: And if you go here, maybe you'll be a guest.
SARAH: Yeah, and also we haven't really mentioned this before, but we've talked about having guests on.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: So that is something to look forward to in the future. People who maybe know topics better than us.
KAYLA: Definitely know things more than we do.
SARAH: Yeah, so that will be super cool.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: But yeah, thank you for listening. We hope we will see you again, listen to you- No.
KAYLA: We will talk to your ears again.
SARAH: Right. We hope your ears will experience our voices via this podcast because we know most of you in real life because we have a two-person audience.
KAYLA: Okay, it's like, twenty.
BOTH: (laughs)
SARAH: Oh my god. But yeah, thank you for listening. Have a great day/week/life. Yep.
KAYLA: Hope you see lots of cows this week.
SARAH: Hope you see lots of cows.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Good luck on your cow search.