Ep 94: Matchmaking for Asexuals
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl. I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, matchmaking sites.
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: M’theydy, that one is courtesy of…
SARAH: What
KAYLA: M’theydy. Perry sent me. It's for non-binary people.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: Yeah, Perry sent that to me and I said yes.
SARAH: At first, I thought you were just like mispronouncing my dog's name.
KAYLA: Nope. I sure wasn't.
SARAH: Okay. Well, I really hit a wall there.
KAYLA: Yeah, I really gotcha, huh?
SARAH: Before we get too deep, I would like to apologize for the fact that… So, my windows are open, which is not unusual for podding, but it rained earlier today, so when cars pass by it is kind of loud. Sorry, but like, it's hot. As a reminder, I don't have air conditioning.
KAYLA: But also, I doubt they can hear it because people have been trolling us about the train sounds recently.
SARAH: You can sometimes hear the train sounds
KAYLA: I know, but on the Sounds Fake Survey, people in the comments section were like, you hear the train? And then someone in our Discord wrote a fanfic about me and Big Juice, which I highly recommend going into Discord and finding because it was amazing. But they also trolled us about the train sounds and it was wild.
SARAH: Honestly, the sounds of cars passing, they are showing up on my thing, though. I can see them in the waveform.
KAYLA: Wow. Maybe it'll finally happen then.
SARAH: Maybe they'll actually hear it. Okay. What are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we're talking about those matchmaking sites.
SARAH: We sure are. So, we got an email recently. Kind of recently. We just answered a bunch of emails that some of them were recent and some of them were a month old. So, sorry.
KAYLA: Oops
SARAH: But we got an email from a kind fella named Nick. And this person mentioned these matchmaking sites. Which, they're for finding relationships, but unlike dating apps or websites, you don't have access to other people's profiles. There's like a matchmaker who matches you with someone else. It makes me think of Mulan a lot.
KAYLA: Well, I mean, this is like a thing. I feel like I saw, there was episodes of Friends or something where they went to a matchmaker. Like it used to be someone and you went to their office.
SARAH: Some of these actually are, you do meet them in person.
KAYLA: Oh really? I didn't realize that.
SARAH: You sign up online, but there are certain, it's only for certain cities, and those are the cities where you have in person offices.
KAYLA: Oh, I guess that one did go by city.
SARAH: Yeah. But I did think this was an interesting thing because they were saying that they would be interested to know how successful they are for aces/aros. Which… me too bud. But I don't know of anyone who is ace/aro who has used any of these.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know either.
SARAH: But I definitely think they're an interesting concept to talk about, especially from a queer perspective. So to give just a bit of an overview of what they are, I just googled matchmaking sites just to see what came up. And there's at consumersearch.com It says, Best Matchmaking Sites And the title here, or the subheading, is Matchmaking Sites Take a Scientific Approach to Love
KAYLA: I just don't know that they all… okay, maybe some of them? But I also know some of them specifically were like, we don't use algorithms.
SARAH: Right, because I think some of them are like there are people who are matchmakers, whereas others are a little bit more algorithm-based. But it's just interesting that they're saying this is a scientific approach to love.
KAYLA: There was also one site that was like, our matchmakers find people in person.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That one was insane.
SARAH: They were like, we will recruit people if we see them.
KAYLA: They were like, oh, if we're like at a yoga class and find someone, we'll go up to them and be like, date this person.
SARAH: And they were like, oh, haha we've been known to like chase people down on the streets. And it was said as like a joke, but like, it sounds like it actually happened.
KAYLA: It does sound like someone did that.
SARAH: So, you know, there's a lot there. But I do also think it's interesting because this is kind of like going back to what is considered like olden days for a lot of Western cultures, but it's still pretty prevalent in other cultures of like, it's not like an arranged marriage situation, but like it's like somebody else decides for you.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: What would be a good relationship for you
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean it's kind of like if a friend set you up except, they're like claiming to have like this expertise.
SARAH: Right. And also, they cost money.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: So, they cost various different prices. Some of these like articles also talk about like eHarmony and Match.com, but eHarmony and Match.com are a little bit different because you can like search other people on those websites and you can kind of just like derp around and look around. Whereas with these matchmaking sites, like it is entirely in the hands of another person/algorithm depending on the company.
KAYLA: Yeah, like you can't see other people's profiles.
SARAH: Right. So, you're putting a lot of trust in them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But they cost various different amounts of money. A lot of them is like it’s cheaper per month if you get 12 months, but like, like supposedly if it works well, like will it take 12 months?
KAYLA: That’s true
SARAH: Like, you know, big questions here.
KAYLA: There was also one that, oh shoot, I thought I had it up on my computer, that like you could do it for free and just be in their like database so they wouldn't like actively try to match you…
SARAH: Yeah. I did see that.
KAYLA: But you could like come up while they're trying to match someone else.
SARAH: You could get matched. Yeah, like it's an interesting time.
KAYLA: Yeah, and I also, like yeah, I think it's interesting for like queer people especially, because I was noticing when I was looking at these sites that it was a lot of like, they had like testimonials and like pictures of people getting married and being like, you know, we did this. And they were all, presumably, I mean it could have been non-cis people or non-gender conforming people. But it looked like a lot of straight couples.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Also, a lot of white people now that I think about it.
SARAH: Yes, even looking at just like these websites that are like comparing the different services, the only one...
KAYLA: Is this a white person thing?
SARAH: Well, the only one I found where like the header picture wasn't white people was the website Black People Meet, which, you know, wouldn't make sense to have white people.
KAYLA: Yeah, it sure wouldn't.
SARAH: I mean, I think it is definitely a very white person kind of thing. I think it's also just like a cultural thing.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Because, you know, like some like South Asian cultures, like you would want to like know their family a little bit. And like know more about their upbringing, from what I understand, correct me if I'm wrong. But I don't… it seems like a super white people thing.
KAYLA: It's also interesting to me though because I do think it's like a super white people thing, but then also thinking about it, I feel like white people are the ones that are like, oh my god, like arranged marriage is so oppressive and like…
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: That's so terrible for women, which like, yes, it can be, obviously, but then you can't say that and then also like, I mean, again, this isn't exactly like arranged marriage, but like...
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You know.
SARAH: It's like you're being set up in some way by a stranger, which is in some ways even weirder than having like, a mutual relation of some sort setting you up.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah, so there's a couple of the like, websites that are like, straight up matchmaker, like you can't look at anyone else. So, there's Three Day Rule. I took about five seconds trying to figure out what Three Day Rule...
KAYLA: Yeah, I didn't even try. Can you tell me?
SARAH: Like what that title means?
KAYLA: Because I didn't even try.
SARAH: I didn't try that hard, but I did wonder, but it is not readily apparent on the website, which I think is a mistake on their part.
KAYLA: It's bad branding, I can tell you that.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: It just says like, the Three Day Rule difference. Real life, offline dating, highly trained matchmakers, personally vetted matches, date feedback advantage, no blind dates. What does Three Day Rule mean?
KAYLA: Well yeah, but like, it is kind of a blind date.
SARAH: I think you know who you're going on a date with. It is kind of blind, yeah. Yeah. But it's so interesting. I mean, this is a very aesthetically nice website.
KAYLA: It is a nice website.
SARAH: It's like, we get an in-depth, 360-degree view of who you really are. We understand your lifestyle, needs, aspirations, and accomplishments. We vet your matches in the same way we get to know you face to face. So, like…
KAYLA: These are all white people.
SARAH: They are. There's a picture with some racial diversity.
KAYLA: Where?
SARAH: They're doing yoga. Oh, this is the part where they're saying that they'll go up to anyone, anywhere. From networking events to yoga classes, our matchmakers recruit matches out in the real world. We've even been known to chase matches down the street.
KAYLA: Oh, there's a non-white person that is their new member strategist. Well, they're… okay. This makes me just like, want to work at this place just to know what's going on.
SARAH: Yeah, it is interesting that it… Oh! They have a national LGBTQ+ matchmaker.
KAYLA: I just looked at that.
SARAH: Yeah, that's interesting.
KAYLA: I just saw that. Um... Okay.
SARAH: But it does...
KAYLA: Interesting
SARAH: They have a lot of employees, oh my god. But they all… every single one of them seems to be either female or like female presenting. It is interesting that they have exactly one LGBTQ+ matchmaker among the...
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean I do wonder if these are all of their matchmakers or just like their top ones, but they do just have one. And there is also... It looks like only one black person. Some people could be mixed and I don't know.
SARAH: There's one person who looks to be East Asian.
KAYLA: Okay, so it's a total of two non-white people?
SARAH: Yep. This person has their Instagram attached and their Instagram is @matchbychrissey. So apparently, she's really into this matching thing.
KAYLA: So, the founder was a TV producer at E! True Hollywood Story. But then quit to make her lifelong hobby of matchmaking a thriving business.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: They have partnerships with Match, OkCupid, JDate, Christian Mingle, and The League.
SARAH: Interesting.
KAYLA: I feel like, I wonder if it was this website, one of the websites was like, we're like one of the only ones that has like partners which makes us have like an even bigger...
SARAH: Yeah, I'm trying to remember which one that was, because I also saw that.
KAYLA: Which was interesting.
SARAH: Yeah, it's definitely an interesting time. So, then there's this one called Tawkify, T-A-W-K-I-F-Y which… I mean it seems pretty similar. A lot of them are like, you can make a profile for free, but then if you actually want to do things, you have to pay us. This seems pretty similar.
KAYLA: Something I noticed in some of them, also, so I went to see if I did the free version, and we can get into this more if we answer the questions. But it asks what you are, so it's like man seeking a woman, woman seeking a man, blah blah blah. And so, it's man seeking a woman, woman seeking a man, man seeking a man, woman seeking a woman, man interested in both men and women, woman interested in both men and women, and then there's just transgender man and transgender woman.
SARAH: That doesn't make sense.
KAYLA: Which is confusing. Are you the transgender person? Are you looking for a transgender person?
SARAH: Also, like it also doesn't specify what gender, genders they're looking for.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Also, trans people are, like, a trans woman is a woman.
KAYLA: Yes. I also, so then I was looking at if, like, asexual dating sites, because there are a few.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: One is asexualcupid.com. The other one I think is called, like, asexualize or something. They both claim to be, like, the number one, you know, dating site for ace people, whatever.
SARAH: Of course, they do.
KAYLA: The other one, it's like asexual, shoot, now I have to look it up because I don't want to talk about it. The one was kind of more, like, forum-based. Also, you could be asexualitic, asexualitic, Asexual I-T-I-C.
SARAH: Asexual I-T-I-C?
KAYLA: I don't know. So, you can also join, like, groups. So, there was one of, like, Harry Potter fans or, like, cat lovers. But you could also, like, try to date people, whatever. This one seems more like just plain dating. You can either say, I am a man or woman, and then say you are seeking a man or woman.
SARAH: It's a little problematic.
KAYLA: Which I was just, like, surprised by. And then, you know, they ask for your...
SARAH: If it's already ace, like, why are you not more clear and close to me?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's already a clear space. Yeah. And, like, they do have, so it's, like, romantic orientation. And it has, like, aromantic, biromantic, hetero, homo, pan, poly, gray, demi, other. So, like, they have that.
SARAH: That doesn't make any sense, then.
KAYLA: I know. It's also, I'm sorry, the ugliest website I've ever seen.
SARAH: Uh oh.
KAYLA: It's very ugly.
SARAH: Yeah. I'm looking at this other website, Master Matchmakers. This one is interesting. It specifically mentions that they do a background check.
KAYLA: Oh, my.
SARAH: And then, yeah, so you... If you accept a presentation, make exchange for numbers and you can get acquainted before you meet and then it says, before and after each match we offer personal coaching to guide you in the Matchmakers and to share feedback, which I think is interesting.
KAYLA: I would feel almost, like, guilty if my matchmaker was like, here’s this person, and I was, like, texting them, and then I was like, I don't like them. I feel like I would feel guilty telling my matchmaker that. Is that just me?
SARAH: That's a big mood.
KAYLA: Is that, like, the Midwesterner in me?
SARAH: Female Midwesterner.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think it's her jumping right out.
SARAH: But this, I'm looking at the further description about personal coaching, and it says, to assist our clients in finding forming and maintaining the ideal relationship we offer professional dating and relationship coaching as a compliment to or substitute for match making. You will meet your coach face to face to identify patterns, break habits, learn best practices and plan ahead
KAYLA: So, it kind of seems like therapy.
SARAH: It seems kind of like therapy. Which I just think is really interesting. Like, basically saying, like, finding the right person may not be enough. You need to be emotionally prepared for this shit.
KAYLA: I mean, I do think that's like, as a concept, I feel like that's cool.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I would just be interested in like, you know, I mean like, you know, what are these people's credentials?
SARAH: Yeah. And then the other one that we looked at was Luma. Here's the wild thing about this one. On the homepage, the very first thing it says is it says, you’re single, busy, professional, successful, selective and of high standards you know what you want and you’re definitely not going to settle but you’re not finding the one. You’ve come to the right place. We’re an elite high-end confidential match making dating service for professionals, executives, millionaires, and busy singles seeking a long term relationship. I think that's an interesting niche.
KAYLA: This one reminds me of… there's a dating app, and now I can't remember what it's called, but it's for celebrities. And you have to apply to be on it. Do you know what I'm talking about?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Shit, I don't remember what it's called. You have to apply to be on it. But then also, I listened to a podcast, I think I've mentioned it before, it's called Why Won't You Date Me? by the comedian Nicole Byer.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: So, she's black and fat, which she says, so it's okay. Listen, people are reclaiming the word fat, and it's...
SARAH: Reclaim the word.
KAYLA: Well, it makes me feel weird because I don't know if I can say it or not, but anyway.
SARAH: But like, how else are you supposed to describe it?
KAYLA: I know. Well, I can't just be like, a bigger woman, because that sounds stupid. Anyway, so she's black and she's fat, and so she was on the waiting list for two years, and then a friend had to refer her and then she was allowed on. But apparently, it's just a bunch of DJs and Instagram models.
SARAH: That's funny.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: But I do understand that the appeal of finding like like-minded people, people in similar life situations where your lives will go together. But also, it's so interesting that this website specifically says like, not just professionals, but executives and millionaires. Like, we are rich people seeking other rich people. Which is interesting. I both understand it and find it problematic at the same time.
KAYLA: Yeah, same. Because I understand wanting to meet someone with the same lifestyle as you. And if you are a millionaire, it is probably hard to find people. But it is also a little classist.
SARAH: Yeah, it's also referred to as a luxury matchmaking service, which I think is...
KAYLA: It also does a little bit almost sound like an escort, when you put it like that.
SARAH: Oh, yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I just...
KAYLA: You know what's interesting?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Is that prostitution is illegal. You can't pay someone to have sex with you. What you can do is pay someone to find someone to have sex with you.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That's all.
SARAH: That’s true. Can I... I'm going to read this... it says, why Luma? It says, exclusive. At Luma Matchmaking, we don't just accept anyone as a client. We do initial screenings to ensure we can meet people's expectations and only accept people who believe... who we believe have the best potential to be successful through our service. It's not about filling in order of a certain number of dates, it's about helping people and ensuring they get the value they deserve from a matchmaker.
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: Yeah, see that's where it gets problematic because I just remembered the name of the app. It's called Raya. And apparently, like the dating app for rich people and celebrities, and apparently there are just a… it’s just a bunch of skinny white people. Which then I feel like this website would probably do too, if they're already vetting out who's going to be on there. They're just going to be like, well this is what we want the people to look like.
SARAH: Exactly. Well and then it goes on to say it says, personalized. We understand everyone as an individual and has unique tastes. I'm a little bit wary of the phrase unique tastes because a lot of times, like people's like dating preferences is just like a veiled way to say like racism.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, I mean there are different tastes you can have that don't have to do with like racism or classism or whatever. But you know. And then it says, we work as a team to match our clients and represent an average of only 15 to 20 clients per matchmaker at a time. That way we can give you that much needed one on one attention. At Luma Matchmaking, we will literally go out and find that person who is a match for you. And we don't just limit our search to our clients or even our network. So, wait, so can you only match with someone who shares your matchmaker? What?
KAYLA: No, I don't think so. I think… I think they're saying it's like Three Day Rule how it sounds like they like go out and find.
SARAH: Oh my god, wait. Okay. Our matchmakers provide dating coaching and team up with professionals. Hairstyles, dentists, wardrobe stylists, dermatologists, mustache stylists to help you make your best impression.
KAYLA: Excuse me?
SARAH: I need a mustache stylist to get a date.
KAYLA: So, this is bad.
SARAH: Yeah, this one seems a bit problematic.
KAYLA: I don't like this one.
SARAH: I uh...
KAYLA: Like, as a concept, I'm not like mad at matchmaking sites, unless they're about to be like, but you're ugly and I'm going to fix it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But also, okay, if they're already vetting people and being like, you're not allowed on my website, but then they say, some people, yes you are, but I'm still going to fix you. It's like, well, if you're already picking, couldn't you pick people that don't need to be quote unquote fixed?
SARAH: Yeah, I, this one's concerning to me.
KAYLA: It seems like a waste of their time. Yeah, I don't like that one.
SARAH: Uh, alright. Well, oh boy. This is like a Q&A with the CEO, and the question is, how long should you message before meeting? I don't, I don't, why does it matter?
KAYLA: Well, I don’t know… That's a common question for like dating apps and stuff.
SARAH: I guess. Alright, anyway.
KAYLA: That one is not weird, I don't know what to tell you about that one.
SARAH: I think it's weird, but alright. Here's my like general thoughts on these matchmaking sites. Especially this… especially this last one. Like, I totally get, like if you want a life partner, you may want to invest a lot in finding the right person. Like, especially if maybe you want kids, and maybe you feel like you're running out of time. Or, you know, you just, you want to find your person. But then on the other hand, the aro-ace person in me who doesn't want kids is like, why does it matter so much that you put down this much money? Because like you have to pay for all these things. And then, to be fair, cost is relative. So like, for some, well I mean it's not, but to someone in their 30s who's like professionally successful, like 30 bucks a month is going to look much different than it will to me, a 21 year old recent college grad who only works part time and is about to move back in with my parents. Like, you know. But it just, that seems like so much money to me to spend on something that's not guaranteed. Like if I pay for Hulu, I am guaranteed to get all that Hulu offers, you know? But if you pay for a matchmaking service, you are not guaranteed to find the love of your life. You know what I mean?
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, I get it. Like I get being worried about not finding someone if that's what you want. And like, I do wonder how I would feel. Because yeah, I think to me, the biggest thing is like, I don't think I would be willing to put that much money down no matter how worried I was about it. But I do wonder if I had more money, it probably, it really probably wouldn't seem like a big deal.
SARAH: Yeah, wait, I want to see how expensive this Luma one is. It's unclear.
KAYLA: I'm willing to bet that they don't publish their pricing.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because I, they probably charge more for certain people.
SARAH: Luma matchmaking price. Holy shit.
KAYLA: How many?
SARAH: Formerly called Cupid's Cronies.
KAYLA: Oh, I wonder why they changed that.
SARAH: Okay, how much does Luma matchmaking cost? Having your profile included in the database is free. However, you won't be guaranteed any matches as a passive member. Instead, you'll be matched with paying clients if a matchmaker thinks you're compatible. If you want a matchmaker to actively search the singles database for your perfect partner candidates, you'll have to purchase a premium search membership. Prices start at $2,800…. Sorry I can’t speak
KAYLA: You can’t even say it? You can’t even read that money?
SARAH: Prices start at $2,800 and range all the way up to $50,000.
KAYLA: Per what?
SARAH: Unclear. Unclear.
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: Unclear. Cost varies depending on factors like how easy or hard it may be to find someone who fits your list of criteria, how many introductions you'd like over what time period, and if you want additional coaching services.
KAYLA: What that actually means is price varies depending on how rich you are.
SARAH: Well, each of Luma's matchmakers is a certified life coach, so matchmaking clients also get 5 hours of date coaching included in their membership.
KAYLA: See, now this is interesting.
SARAH: It says there are 20,000 plus singles in the Luma database.
KAYLA: Well, that is also the free one. So that could be people like us who are about to answer questions for free.
SARAH: Oh yeah.
KAYLA: But that is interesting that they're like certified in some way.
SARAH: Oh, I just, this article about it includes some reviews, and this woman is from Ann Arbor, Michigan.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: And she handed over $10,000 and have sorely regretted it.
KAYLA: Hmm, yeah, I bet. Wow, that's not a very Ann Arbor thing to do.
SARAH: Yeah, it does. Oh man, a lot of people are saying it's a scam because they say that you can get like refunds if you don't find the right match, but you really can't.
KAYLA: Yeah, they can't guarantee. There's no way they guarantee that.
SARAH: Yeah. I feel like this Luma one is super sketchy.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's bad news.
SARAH: Anyway, do you want to sign up for one of these?
KAYLA: I want to do a Three Day Rule. That one seems for some reason, maybe it's just the website.
SARAH: The website looks the prettiest.
KAYLA: Yeah, they did it.
SARAH: It does.
KAYLA: Good job.
SARAH: You got me.
KAYLA: Alright, what should our fake name be?
SARAH: Juliet.
KAYLA: Juliet? Oh, that's good. What's our last name?
SARAH: Brown.
KAYLA: Wow, good one. Okay, so what are we? Are we a woman, a man seeking a woman, a woman seeking a man? What are we? We could also put other.
SARAH: What are the options? Remind me the options.
KAYLA: Man seeking woman, woman seeking man, man seeking man, woman seeking woman, man seeking both, woman seeking both, transgender man, transgender woman, other.
SARAH: Let's be woman seeking both.
KAYLA: Okay. What's our birthday?
SARAH: What was the day that the first pod episode came out?
KAYLA: Like August something maybe?
SARAH: August, let's just make it August 1st.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: What year? 1990. We're 29.
KAYLA: I was going to say that
SARAH: We're almost 29.
KAYLA: Oh, it wants a phone number. Uh oh.
SARAH: Uh oh.
KAYLA: Alright, I'll put mine. Hopefully they don't call me. They want my zip code. I'm going to do my home zip code because they don't need to know where I live. What's our occupation? Podcaster?
SARAH: Uh, is it just a blank?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Um, sure. We're a podcaster.
KAYLA: Okay. We heard about them through a friend. It was that email.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Did a matchmaker refer you? The only option is other. Uh, and then you have to put N/A. I'm going to use the pod email.
SARAH: Good. That's what I was going to suggest.
KAYLA: Okay. Get started.
SARAH: I have like a fake email that I use for fake stuff, but I forgot the password. Also, I kind of forgot the email address.
KAYLA: Okay. How tall are we?
SARAH: We're both 5'4", so we're 5'4".
KAYLA: Oh, that's fair. Do we have children? No.
SARAH: Mm-mm
KAYLA: Uh, our ethnicity, we are Caucasian.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: What religion? Should we put Catholic? There's no option for post-Catholic.
SARAH: What does it say?
KAYLA: Agnostic, atheist, Buddhist, Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, spiritual but not religious, prefer not to say, other.
SARAH: What's the difference between agnostic and not agnostic?
KAYLA: I honestly can't remember what agnostic means.
[00:30:00]
SARAH: The difference between agnostic and atheist? I think agnostic just means like you don't believe in things but... Hold on, I'm googling it. I'm googling it.
KAYLA: Okay, good.
SARAH: A person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or anything beyond material phenomena.
KAYLA: Oh no, see that is different because atheists, they're like, I know there's nothing. And agnostic is like, how am I supposed to know?
SARAH: It's a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God. Am I agnostic?
KAYLA: Oh, that's fun.
SARAH: Let's say Juliet is agnostic.
KAYLA: Okay. What's our highest level of education? Bachelor's bitch
SARAH: Bachelor's degree.
KAYLA: What's our income?
SARAH: I make approximately $2.
KAYLA: Well, there is an option for zero. Let's just say less than $30,000.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: We are single, never married. So, it can either be single, never married, married, separated, divorced, or widowed. Has it asked us how old we are yet? Oh yeah. Oh, and a picture of us. Oh, it's for the matchmaker's eyes only. Okay, find me. I need a stock photo.
SARAH: Oh man.
KAYLA: Sarah, find me a good stock photo.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: We’re certainly not putting us on here.
SARAH: White woman stock photo.
KAYLA: Is this all it's going to ask me? If these are the only questions it asks me. I'm going to be really upset.
SARAH: I want this… Okay, this one. Okay. I'm going to text it to you.
KAYLA: Okay. Tweet at us if you're playing along at home.
SARAH: I just looked up white woman stock photo.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: Because we said we were white.
KAYLA: Does it look like me?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, it looks more like…
SARAH: It looks more like me, but it doesn't really look like either of us.
KAYLA: We should have found one that looks like our love child.
SARAH: But it seemed like one of the more like...
KAYLA: You know those like face morph apps?
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: We should do that.
SARAH: Let's morph our faces.
KAYLA: Yeah, well, I'll upload those pictures. You get on that because I want to see what our child would look like.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: You can see it still says the Shutterstock thing at the bottom.
SARAH: Sure does.
KAYLA: Okay. Oh, okay. So our matchmaker is Kara, the only gay one.
SARAH: That's fun.
KAYLA: Wait, is this it? Okay, so yeah, she's our matchmaker. I can call her number or email her. Welcome to Three Day Rule. Although we haven't officially launched in your city, we'll reach out to you if we think you may be a match for one of our premium members nationwide. We'll let you know as soon as we are active in your area. In the meantime, we are currently offering dating strategies sessions nationwide. Click below to learn more about how we can help.
SARAH: What if I don't want a long-distance relationship?
KAYLA: Well, now I'm wondering if I can change where we live to see what it says.
SARAH: Put us in Los Angeles.
KAYLA: What's Los Angeles' zip?
SARAH: Do 90028. I think that's LA.
KAYLA: 90028
SARAH: I think that was my zip code when I lived there.
KAYLA: Welcome to Three… okay, now it changed. You are now eligible to be matched with one of our premium members. If we think you might be a match, we'll reach out. Everything lines up we will match you for free. If you're interested in becoming a premium member yourself, let us know. It's not going to ask me any more questions. That was it. Like add more pictures
SARAH: How would you get matched?
KAYLA: This is less information...this is literally less information than certain dating profiles ask for. Because a lot of dating profiles...I think Tinder just added sexuality. I think I read that somewhere. In like, OkCupid, you can put your sexuality. They have you answer questions, hinge you answer questions. I know way too much about this, oh no. Oh no.
SARAH: But they're definitely not going to match you with anyone. I mean, that's probably the ruse. That's how they get you to buy a premium one.
KAYLA: Well yeah, because then you're like, oh no, no one...ok, yeah, ok. Is there another one? I want to do a different one.
SARAH: I mean, I feel like they're all going to be like this for just the free editions.
KAYLA: This sucks
SARAH: That was disappointing.
KAYLA: It is interesting to me though, so this lady Kara must be the matchmaker for every queer person.
SARAH: That's what it said.
KAYLA: Every single one of them.
SARAH: What percentage of users are queer?
KAYLA: Who's to know?
SARAH: Who's to know? Interesting. Alright, well...
KAYLA: I want to do...
SARAH: Well, I don't want to pay them money.
KAYLA: I don't either, but I did want to... Hey, if you all donate money though...
SARAH: Oh my god, no, Kayla.
KAYLA: Next Patreon, perk.
SARAH: We make….
KAYLA: We make a fake matchmaking profile.
SARAH: Juliet Brown is out here to find love.
KAYLA: I also, while doing research, I was just looking for asexual dating sites, and I found an article from 2009 called, Are there asexuals among us on the possibility of a fourth sexual orientation?
SARAH: A fourth?
KAYLA: And it's just about like, is asexuality a thing? Because it was 2009, but anyway.
SARAH: A fourth?
KAYLA: I also… yeah, I know. I also saw a post on Reddit by someone that was like, I'm a matchmaker and I have an asexual client, is anyone interested?
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: So, that's interesting.
SARAH: Odd. Alright. I mean, I guess if you don't have any other access to date ace people or people who would be happy to date ace people, I mean, I guess. Chase them on the street.
KAYLA: I also found a post on Tumblr to like an advice… asexualadvice.tumblr.com. That was like, so I was, I contacted a matchmaking service and explained asexuality and the person said that that wasn't a thing and I should go to counseling. So.
SARAH: Dicks…
KAYLA: That's cool.
SARAH: On a platter. That's what that is.
KAYLA: Several of them. On a log. Like ants. Did we do this last time?
SARAH: No. That's what I…
KAYLA: Oh no, I texted. Oh
SARAH: We texted, okay, Kayla says dicks as like a swear a lot.
KAYLA: I do.
SARAH: And for some reason I picked it up after she moved to Connecticut.
KAYLA: Oh, did you really?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That's cute. Aw, you miss me.
SARAH: And I keep just like adding on to it. I've started saying like dicks on a, or like dicks in a backpack, or like dicks on a platter.
KAYLA: That's a good one.
SARAH: Or like, or like yeah, the other day I said dicks on a log. And I, I texted that to Kayla and she was like, is it like ants on a log? Like how would that work? And I would be like, Kayla, I'm not here to think about this.
KAYLA: Well, see, so what I want...
SARAH: I don't want to, no, no, no, I don't want to think about it.
KAYLA: Well close your ears. I'm asking them.
SARAH: I'm, wait, hold on. I'm going to, I took my headphones off.
KAYLA: Okay. Can you hear me? She can't hear me. Okay. So, what I want.
SARAH: Wait, I edit this podcast.
KAYLA: Are you listening now?
SARAH: Yeah, I'm going to have to hear it anyway. Damn
KAYLA: Yeah, you are. It was funny because for a second, I said, are you there? And you didn't answer. It's very funny. Anyway, so what I want to know is, so you know, ants on a log is a snack where you take celery and put peanut butter in the like the little celery groove and then you put raisins in it and it's nasty because fuck raisins. But anyway.
SARAH: Also, celery is not good.
KAYLA: Celery is fine if you put enough ranch on it, but I could say that about anything. Um, so what I want to know is are the dicks raisin sized or does the celery have to get big enough where the dicks are proportional as the raisins are?
SARAH: I don't want to picture it. My mom listens to this podcast.
KAYLA: I would like to make, well that's her fault. Some of us don't let our parents listen to this podcast.
SARAH: Oh boy.
KAYLA: Um, I would like to make this a secondary poll, but I feel like it wouldn't go over well.
SARAH: No, it wouldn't. We're not doing that.
KAYLA: I'll bring it to the Discord.
SARAH: Oh Jesus. Okay.
KAYLA: They'll like it.
SARAH: Um, I don't even remember where we were. What was happening?
KAYLA: Uh, I was sad because the website didn't ask me enough about myself. I just came here to be narcissistic today.
SARAH: Cool. Yep, that's it. Uh. Yeah, it's interesting.
KAYLA: So, what are your like final thoughts on an ace person using one of these?
SARAH: Final thoughts are, I feel like it'd be difficult for an ace person to use this, but like, would it be any more difficult than an ace person just dating in general? I'm not.
KAYLA: Yeah…
SARAH: I think you just have to find the right matchmaking site, because, I mean obviously Luma is not for me and you.
KAYLA: Not for anybody, I don't think.
SARAH: And, well, it's for like elitist people.
KAYLA: Well, yeah, but it's also for no one, because it's a scam.
SARAH: Yeah, it might be a scam. Yeah, I just think like if this is a thing that you're interested in and if you are ace-spec, like it's important that you find one that is like open and good with ace-spec clients, find your Kara, you know?
KAYLA: Find your Kara. I mean, I mean there are these like ace dating websites, I don't really know how much they work. I wish, I know there's some like apps too, I don't know if they're for ace dating or just like ace meetups or whatever, but.
SARAH: The tea is, if any of you have used any of these or are going to, tell us about your experiences.
KAYLA: The tea is when are two of our listeners going to meet in our Twitter mentions and start dating?
SARAH: It's a mystery.
KAYLA: I've been waiting for that… I've said something like that like literally a year ago, and it hasn't happened yet.
SARAH: Wow, it's almost as if you can't speak things into existence.
KAYLA: Um, I can, what's it called?
SARAH: This is a podcast; we can speak anything into existence.
KAYLA: Okay, but that's like a technique of like speaking things into existence, making yourself feel better. God, let me therapy myself Sarah
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Alright, what are your final thoughts?
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Um, yeah, I think they're very similar to yours. I mean, I think for anyone of any sexuality, you would have to find the right site, because it does seem like that some of them are pretty sketchy. And like, even if it was a reputable site, and they were like, really trying to do their best for people, I think it just like not work out.
SARAH: Yeah, and it also just has to be like, the people who you would be interested in dating, like, like, you have to be right for the site so that the people that you find on that site are right for you, because like there's a certain type of person who's going to use Grindr, and there's a certain type of person who's going to use Coffee Meets Bagel, and they don't always overlap, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah, for sure.
SARAH: What's our poll this week?
KAYLA: Well, I'd like it to be about dicks on a log
SARAH: It will not be about dicks on a log. Stop making me think about dicks on a log
KAYLA: You literally started it.
SARAH: I know, but like, I didn't want to think about it.
KAYLA: Well, you shouldn't have said it. What do you want from me?
SARAH: Well, when I say dicks, I don't think about dicks. I don't ever want to think about dicks.
KAYLA: Alright, you know, I don't know what to do for you right now.
SARAH: What's our poll?
KAYLA: Um, as an ace person, would you use a matchmaking site?
SARAH: Yeah, sure. Yes or no? Keep it simple.
KAYLA: I got an email from Kara, my matchmaker.
SARAH: Oh my god, Kara, what did she say?
KAYLA: My name is Kara, and I'm an LGBTQ matchmaker with Three Day Rule. I saw you recently signed up on our site, so I'm eager to set up a time to meet with you. This meeting is totally free. It's an opportunity for me to get to... Oh this is where she asks the questions on the thing, she talks to us
SARAH: I don't want to talk to Kara. Sorry, Kara.
KAYLA: As well as explaining more about... see, the thing is, I do want to talk to Kara, but I don't, you know? If you're curious about what we do, you can get a sneak peek here. And it's a story, a love story, that began with a matchmaker and a first date. And it's an NPR article.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: 2017.
SARAH: Alright. We love NPR.
KAYLA: Oh, they documented the first date of a couple paired by the site. And it looks like they got married. That's fun.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: And then we can talk through Zoom, which is a thing.
SARAH: A TV show from the early 2000s for children?
KAYLA: Wait, listen to me on Dyking Out. Hello? Do you have a podcast, Kara?
SARAH: Kara?
KAYLA: Oh no, she was just on an episode of the podcast, Dyking Out.
SARAH: Unbelievable. I wanted her to have her own podcast.
KAYLA: Honestly, I want to kind of listen to that. That sounds interesting.
SARAH: I want to get to know Kara without talking to her.
KAYLA: Read my Well & Good... my tips in Well & Good and Bustle.
SARAH: Oh, alright.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: That's a tea.
KAYLA: Wait, what did I say? What was the poll?
SARAH: The poll is... would you use it? Yes? No? Keep it simple. What is your beef and juice?
KAYLA: Um, hold on, I'm sorry.
SARAH: My guess is that you don't have any, so I should go first?
KAYLA: Well, I was in the middle of typing, so...
SARAH: Type faster.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Type faster.
KAYLA: Um, okay. My beef is I have a headache right now, and today was stressful. My juice is... Um, my mom is coming on Friday and I started Umbrella Academy. It was pretty good.
SARAH: Yes, you did.
KAYLA: Um, my cat is cute, but she's a piece of shit. That one is a juicy beef.
SARAH: A juicy beef? Why haven't we been calling it juicy beef all along?
KAYLA: Sarah, we've literally said that before.
SARAH: Oh. I have ADHD.
KAYLA: Uh huh. So, what are your juicy beefs?
SARAH: Um, I actually do have a juicy beef. It's my beef is that I've been trying to consume more German media just to maintain my German now that I'm out of school. But I'm kind of struggling to find stuff I like. I've been watching the TV show Dark, which is fun. I mean, it's very dark.
KAYLA: Here's the thing is, Sarah texted me this a couple days ago and I was like, I can't find any German YouTubers that I like. And I told her she should be one and then she sent me her being a German YouTuber. And I want to post on Twitter really bad now because it was so funny.
SARAH: I mean, you can do it. I don't care.
KAYLA: Yes. It just gave me such like early YouTube vibes. It really did. And I know we have German listeners and I am going to post it now because it just like I didn't understand a word of it. But it made me so nostalgic.
SARAH: Sorry if my grammar is shit.
KAYLA: I am going to post it. Also, for our German listeners, if you have any German YouTube recs for Sarah.
SARAH: Yeah, because I discovered this girl. I like her channel is Einfach Inka. But she talks a lot about like love and relationships from a not ace perspective. And that's just like not for me. And so like I've like her, her couple other videos that are not about that I have enjoyed. And she has a podcast where she posts sometimes and she did an episode about self-optimization. And it really embodied how I feel in my life right now. But like…
KAYLA: I don't know what any of that meant.
SARAH: Self-optimization, self-optimization like in the sense of like being obsessed with like self-improvement. And like how sometimes like having… being an adult and being free can just stress you the fuck out.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's bad. It's bad news.
SARAH: I related to that a lot. But yeah, I just, I don't really watch all of her videos because I just don't like, that's not, I don't understand that. So German speakers out there, if you have recommendations for things to watch or listen to, do let me know. das ist geil.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Yep. das ist geil.
KAYLA: We should just do a German episode of the podcast where you speak in German the whole time and I'm confused.
SARAH: Fantastisch, ja.
KAYLA: Patreon exclusive?
SARAH: Genau.
KAYLA: You know what some people on the survey wanted is like bloopers, which is funny because…
SARAH: We just leave them in the pod.
KAYLA: It does make it seem like we cut stupid stuff out.
SARAH: We don't.
KAYLA: Yeah, anyway.
SARAH: All of it is here.
KAYLA: It's all here unless we're like saying things about people we know in real life because we thought of it and we're not going to put it in.
SARAH: The stuff we usually cut out is us being like, wait, I forgot what I was going to say and sitting in silence for 30 seconds.
KAYLA: Or me stopping to talk to Sarah about work and being like, don't put that in, that's my work life.
SARAH: Or like mentioning people we know in real life by their full name and being like, we can't include this.
KAYLA: We just can't do that.
SARAH: So yeah, my juice is…
KAYLA: Maybe we should make a compilation of us being like, uh what was I saying?
SARAH: Honestly though, but no, because when I edit it, I just delete it.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: I don’t put it anywhere
KAYLA: What if you didn't delete it, you just transferred it to a different GarageBand file.
SARAH: Alright, my juice is that this weekend, which it will have already happened once you listen to this, but we're recording this on Monday way ahead of time because I've got places to be. But it's Trevor City Film Festival this now, and the film I directed is premiering there and it's very exciting.
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: Also, my juice is TV shows that choose to end when they feel is right.
KAYLA: Oh wait, I thought you said juice and I heard it as beef and I was like, why are you mad?
SARAH: No, I think it's good.
KAYLA: Yeah, okay.
SARAH: Like, am I sad The Good Place is ending? Yes. But am I very glad that they're doing it on their own terms? Also, yes. Did I think Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. was going to get canceled after season five? Yes. Am I surprised they got a season six and seven? Yes. Am I glad that seven is the last? Yes.
KAYLA: Oof. Yeah.
SARAH: You know, when shows go on for like thirteen seasons, like Supernatural just ended, right? And it's at like fourteen or fifteen.
KAYLA: It ruins it. It’s bad
SARAH: It's just too many. You run out. You run out.
KAYLA: Well, it's like what they did with Lost and then everyone was like, Lost, stop.
SARAH: Yeah, they got a little lost in Lost, you know.
KAYLA: Well, Lost was also weird because they were like, all the fans were like, it's purgatory. And then the writers were like, shit, they guessed it. Now we have to do something else.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I've never watched Lost.
SARAH: I've seen one episode of Lost and heard people talk about it before.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Apparently in season two they were treading water a lot. Learned that recently.
KAYLA: Literally or figuratively?
SARAH: Like the writers were.
KAYLA: See, but it's funny because they also are on an island.
SARAH: There's an ocean.
KAYLA: Hence, they probably were
SARAH: Yep. Cool. All right.
KAYLA: A good one. A comedy. Comedy podcast.
SARAH: Well, you can tell us about your beef juice. Deutsche Fernsehprogramm... programs? Programmen?
KAYLA: I love this.
SARAH: YouTube kanale, podcasts. Gib mir die deutsche content. And excuse my inability to use the correct gender for any words, but gender isn't real, so get over it. Anyway, @Sounds Fake Pod everywhere. We also have a Patreon, @SoundsFakePod dot... nope. Patreon.com slash Sounds Fake Pod. If you want to give us our money so that we cannot buy a membership to one of these matchmaking websites.
KAYLA: If you give us enough money, we will do it. I will say that
SARAH: I will not let Kayla do it.
KAYLA: Okay, are you saying if someone gave us just like $100 you wouldn't do it?
SARAH: Yeah, because we would still be a fake people. A fake people. You heard me.
KAYLA: Okay
[00:50:00]
SARAH: Our $2 patrons are: Keith McBlane, Roxanne, AliceIsInSpace, anonymous, Nathan Dennison, Mariah Walzer, and Jonathan and changelingmx also known as KAHUNGALING.
KAYLA: Yes, good, a good one.
SARAH: Our $5 patrons are: Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero, my Aunt Jeannie who's currently watching my dog Sadie, thank you, Dee, Meagan Rowell, Quinn Pollock and Emily Collins. Our $10 patrons are: Kevin and Tessa, @dirtyunclekevin and @tessa_m_k, Sara, I don't think they met from a matchmaking website, but who knows.
KAYLA: I don't think they did.
SARAH: Sarah Jones @eternalloli, Arcness who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, and Anonymous who would like to promote Summer Break. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, and my mom who would like to promote free mom hugs. Sorry, mom, about the dicks on a Log discussion. Thanks for listening.
KAYLA: I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
SARAH: Put it on record that Kayla is not sorry. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.