Ep 86: It's the Year of, like... Realizing Things
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SARAH: Hey what's up hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast with an aro-ace girl. I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: We talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, following through on resolutions. Sounds Fake But Okay.
SARAH: Sounds Fake But Okay. Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: M’oving
SARAH: Okay, I'm just going to overlook that.
KAYLA: Topical.
SARAH: And say, I hope you enjoyed last week's episode.
KAYLA: What was it?
SARAH: It was with Amanda.
KAYLA: We like literally just recorded it.
SARAH: Yeah, less than a week ago.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: I hope you enjoyed it.
KAYLA: Happy Pride, bitches!
SARAH: Happy Pride! It's Pride o'clock!
KAYLA: It is Pride o'clock, all month long.
SARAH: I hope everyone is enjoying their Pride so far. I hope everyone is feeling very proud of the right things, not like white nationalism.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know, like the right amount of pride for the right amount of things. I'm just going to leave it there. Kayla?
KAYLA: I was just going to say, I'm moving, when you hear this two days ago. When you hear this, I'm already in Connecticut, which is…
SARAH: Amazing
KAYLA: Horrifying. I am not having a good time. But, so if things become weird the next couple weeks, sorry.
SARAH: Just know that's coming.
KAYLA: I'm busy.
SARAH: This week's episode, so next week we're doing the TED Talk episode. We're going to be pre-recording that tomorrow. So... Everything should be fine. Yeah, but following the TED Talk episode will be the first episode that we do remotely since last year. So if things get a little turbulent, that is why.
KAYLA: Sorry, but also not sorry. Like, I'm just doing my, like...
SARAH: She’s being an adult.
KAYLA: I'm doing things. Yesterday I had to budget. I'm so poor. Let me tell you something. I'm poor. Anyway.
SARAH: That's happening. So just be aware.
KAYLA: Send me good vibes
SARAH: And if next week something horrible or wonderful happens and we don't include it in our juice or beef, know, it's because we recorded it on Tuesday, June 4th.
KAYLA: True. Please send me positive vibes.
SARAH: All the positive vibes.
KAYLA: And cows.
SARAH: And cows. Good. Alright, so what are we talking... No, I was going to say it this time because it was...
KAYLA: So what are we talking about?
SARAH: Thank you. Okay, so back in December, we made some New Year's revolutions. It's a revolution every new year, you know? It's a whole revolution around the sun. We made New Year's resolutions even though I hate New Year's resolutions. And we thought... Now, in that episode, I was just listening back to it because I had to for the purposes of this episode. But we said that we were going to check in in a year. But I think six months is actually a better idea.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Because a year is a very long time.
KAYLA: Especially for resolutions of the New Year's kind that usually no one keeps anyway.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: So at this point, we can even tell you if we've just plain given up.
SARAH: Yeah. And I think it's good to check in and we're experiencing a lot of change right now. And so I think it's good to see where we're at. So we're going to check in on all of our New Year's resolutions that I had to go back and listen to because we wrote them down, but then I deleted the note because I was like, I won't need this. What if they didn't delete it?
KAYLA: Well, it's too late now. I would recommend not looking.
SARAH: Yeah, I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look.
KAYLA: It would be too sad.
SARAH: Yeah, so we're going to go through what we talked about six months ago.
KAYLA: I did not go through it, so I don't remember.
SARAH: I did it.
KAYLA: I remember very little of it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So this will be fun.
SARAH: We did the sexuality ones, we did personal ones, we did world ones and queer community ones, and then we did one for each other.
KAYLA: Yeah, okay. Sounds familiar
SARAH: So we're going to go through all of those. You also had a pod one.
KAYLA: Oh, fun.
SARAH: Okay, so your first one, your sexuality one, was to disentangle your sexuality from your anxiety, aka puke-less.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: How do you feel that you've done?
KAYLA: I think I've done very well. Okay, when did we record this? December?
SARAH: It was December, end of December.
KAYLA: Okay. Hmm, interesting. It's an interesting time.
SARAH: It was one of the things, we kind of started with things that we were doing better on and that we wanted to continue.
KAYLA: Yeah, I just, I will just say before we get into this that the past six months I think have been the most transformative in my life yet, which I think I will probably say after every six months of my life.
SARAH: At some point I think you'll stop saying that.
KAYLA: Probably
SARAH: But when you're in your early 20s, yeah.
KAYLA: But I do think that's very true. It's like this year especially has been... I'm gonna like probably cry a lot.
SARAH: Oh no, I wasn't prepared for that.
KAYLA: You should, Sarah.
SARAH: I know, I should have been thinking.
KAYLA: Because a lot is happening in my life right now. I would say like this year and these six months have been like the most transformative for me ever. But I would say that that has gotten a lot better. Typically at like the beginning of relationships I found that I do a lot of anxiety and puking. And I had a hard time disentangling that. Like from like what's my sexuality? What am I just like, am I just anxious about like a relationship? You know, whatever. But my most recent relationship that I started that I'm currently in, that didn't happen. I didn't puke at all in the beginning. Which hasn't happened maybe ever. Ever. Ever. Literally ever now that I think about it. So that was good. And I mean I think there's a lot of things that go into that. Just like who is in the relationship with me and like other things. But I do think a big part of it is that I have gotten better at that.
SARAH: Less puking 2k19.
KAYLA: Yeah, I haven't puked a lot this year now that I think about it.
SARAH: Nice. Nice.
KAYLA: But I probably will change in the next month. But, uh...
SARAH: Well, with that attitude, yeah.
KAYLA: Well, okay. I'm just being realistic with myself. I don't want to get my hopes too high.
SARAH:. Well, I think you're being way too negative about it.
KAYLA: Well, what else is there? Hmm.
SARAH: Okay. My, okay, so my sexuality one for myself was to stop worrying so much. And stop being stressed about like questioning and feeling like an aro fraud.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: I feel like I've done better.
KAYLA: I feel like you have too. I mean I don't...
SARAH: I don't feel like it's something that like I've actively thought about a lot.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: But I think I have improved on that front because I haven't actively thought about it a lot. You know?
KAYLA: I think like I've noticed that you, and maybe it just like it hasn't come up and that's why it seems less, but like you haven't been as worried about like, oh is this person thinking I'm flirting with them? Like that's something I've heard you talk about several times and I feel like recently I haven't heard you say that. And I don't, and I think that it like is kind of slightly related, you know?
SARAH: Yeah, I think so too. I think it'll probably, I might, I mean there's always going to be like highs and lows in terms of that sort of thing.
KAYLA: Yeah, once you move and you start to meet new people and they don't know your sexuality then maybe it will come back.
SARAH: That’s what I was going to say. I think when I move it's going to become a bigger issue, but I think right now, I mean I did meet new people this summer because of the Quidditch league I'm in. And it hasn't really been an issue.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But yeah, I mean I think it is partially just because I am kind of in more comfortable spaces. But I also think I'm just better at like nonchalantly coming out to people.
KAYLA: Yeah, you've gotten a lot better at that.
SARAH: Like more people just like know casually what my sexuality is.
KAYLA: I think the pod also had a lot to do with that too.
SARAH: Yeah, the pod has had a lot to do with it. Probably like most of it.
KAYLA: Which is honestly for you I feel like not bad.
SARAH: Yeah, that's not bad for me.
KAYLA: It's a way to, sometimes it kind of forces you to talk about it, which like isn't ideal sometimes. But other times it's like well you probably weren't going to say anything or it would have been harder for you to say anything unprompted.
SARAH: I think I'm better at being casual about it. Because there were people like this past year who I maybe sort of knew before but like didn't know that well. But like it wasn't, I mean it also always depends on the situation you're in. But you know, I feel like I've done better on that. I guess what our pod one was?
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: To get on Spotify.
KAYLA: We did it!
SARAH: We did it. We're on Spotify.
KAYLA: Was that it?
SARAH: That was it.
KAYLA: Wow. We did that like early in the year too. Good job us.
SARAH: Nice. So, yeah, I mean we said that the pod had been getting better and I think that is true.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think it has continued to get better. I mean I think like once we got on Spotify and changed like things around to get on Spotify, our numbers just like a peak behind the curtain. Our numbers have gone up since then. Yeah. And we've like continued to grow gradually.
SARAH: And there's always going to be episodes we like more, episodes we like less, but I think like I think we're doing okay.
KAYLA: Yeah, overall I think our quality has gotten a lot better. It was funny. I remember it so D&D podcast coming soon, but so we recorded our first episode of that and it reminded me a lot of… it made me realize how far we've come in podcasting.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because I was and not to say that I was doing things correctly and other people weren't. It was just I realized that I have a style of podcasting because I was sitting as quietly as I could and I was kind of interjecting when I thought, oh, this is a funny thing to say or like whatever. I was thinking actively more about what I was saying. Which for that type of podcast might not be the best thing and I probably will have to learn a different style.
SARAH: But with a D&D podcast, it's there's more people involved and interrupting can make it like we already interrupt each other too much.
KAYLA: That is going to be a hard thing.
SARAH: And so with like we just did it just then. And so with more people, you have to do it less than otherwise people won't understand.
KAYLA: Right. And I think again not to like shit on other people because like it's my friends I'm doing with them and I love them.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But I think I was just more cognizant of the fact that like this is an audio medium and that's something that we've gotten a lot better at I think is realizing, oh, this is only audio and they're going to hear everything.
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SARAH: When I was listening to the New Year's Resolution pod, there was a thing where you go, look at my nail and I go, Kayla, that's, you're not being inclusive. This is an audio format.
KAYLA: Which I still do shit like that.
SARAH: And you were like, I was talking to you and I was like, I mean, it's an audio format.
KAYLA: I still do shit like that just because. But yeah, so it's just, it reminded me a lot of how we were when we started and how, I don't know, and we've had people recently ask for our advice on podcasting.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And stuff, which is weird. But like just it being in that space with people who were just starting, I realized like, oh my god.
SARAH: You have improved.
KAYLA: I have improved and it's like a skill now. It's not something that's just kind of like, ooh.
SARAH: You know what I just did?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I realized I was getting close to the mic and talking kind of loud and I was about to peak, so I moved away from the mic.
KAYLA: I also, professional, I also had yet more people telling me how loud I am.
SARAH: You're so loud.
KAYLA: And complain about how loud I am when editing. Because now it's someone else that also.
SARAH: You peak all the time.
KAYLA: No, we were just sitting there like testing and Jared, the guy that's going to be editing, was like, Kayla, you were just talking normally and you just keep peaking. And I was like, I am sorry. I'm sorry.
SARAH: Amazing.
KAYLA: It is very funny.
SARAH: Okay, so then.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: We then went to personal ones.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: The first one you said as a joke because I said something that made you mad. You said to not be friends with you anymore. How are you doing on that?
KAYLA: Pretty good.
SARAH: Okay, cool.
KAYLA: How would you say we're doing on that?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Oh okay
SARAH: The next one you said you wanted to not need so much outside validation to be a happier person. Like self-esteem improvement. How do you feel you're doing on that front?
KAYLA: I mean, I think I still have a lot of work to do. I think it's going to be like an ongoing situation in my life.
SARAH: I mean some people just have like life resolutions that they are going to be working on for their whole life.
KAYLA: So that's definitely something I feel like is going to be a thing, especially as things change in my life. But I do think that's something I've gotten a lot better at.
SARAH: Nice.
KAYLA: Would you agree?
SARAH: I think so. I would agree that you still have a ways to go.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: No, no, but I think you have improved.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it's good that it's something that you're thinking of.
KAYLA: I see how it is.
SARAH: She's just nodding her head at it or shaking her head.
KAYLA: I see how it is.
SARAH: No, I think it's clear that you're thinking about it and that you're trying to improve and I think you have improved and I think that's good.
KAYLA: Thanks
SARAH: You're welcome.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Also, I'm not in your head so I don't really know what your self-esteem is always.
KAYLA: Fair. How would you know?
SARAH: So like, I only know what you say to me.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: Which I have found, it's also just due to like a change in situation, like you're negative about different things. Yeah. Rather than, so I, you know.
KAYLA: Yeah. That's fair.
SARAH: That's why I think I maybe haven't seen the same kind of growth you have just because like you're in your own head.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And you're not necessarily going to be like, Sarah, I'm doing great today on my self-esteem.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: You know?
KAYLA: I don't even say that to myself.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But, yeah.
SARAH: And then the other thing you said was just kind of along the lines of self-care, doing more things just for yourself.
KAYLA: That one has gone up so much.
SARAH: Would you say exponentially?
KAYLA: I would.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: I think, yeah, that has, especially recently, has gotten a lot better. Just like, I think it helps that we're out of school now too. But even when...
SARAH: It helps you.
KAYLA: Well…
SARAH: It doesn’t help me
KAYLA: It helps me now that I have like some more time and stuff. But, yeah, that, and a lot of that has to do with like a lot of the therapy I was doing and like I started to, well I've always enjoyed therapy, but I started to enjoy like the mental meditation I was doing and like the spirituality piece of what I was doing and like that's something I enjoy that I also realize is self-care for me at the same time.
SARAH: Imagine what it's like enjoying therapy.
KAYLA: I love therapy.
SARAH: We're very different people.
KAYLA: Yeah. But it just, it's nice because it doesn't feel, it doesn't feel like selfish and it's also something I enjoy so it doesn't feel like, I don't know, it's not something that I feel like guilty about taking time out of my day to do.
SARAH: Yeah. I think that is honestly one of the big things with self-care is like you have to take things that you enjoy and that make you just like relax and like feel better and don't feel like you're being selfish about it. Like there's a way to be selfish and there's a way to care for yourself and they're not the same thing.
KAYLA: Yeah. And I think I've gotten, yeah, a lot better about just knowing what I need and knowing that like me taking time for myself might come off a certain way to people. But like something my therapist tells me all the time is like people can tell themselves the stories they want to. And if they're going to tell themselves a story about you, that's not necessarily true and like I'm crying.
SARAH: A dramatic tear web.
KAYLA: Yeah. And like to me it's like, you know, if I've gotten less worried about what other people think about me taking time for myself…
SARAH: That’s good
KAYLA: And knowing that like if people are really concerned about how I'm spending my time or whatever that they can ask me what my story is to me and they can figure out what the truth is, you know?
SARAH: Nice tea
KAYLA: This has been Therapy with Kayla.
SARAH: Therapy with Kayla. Okay. My resolutions for myself were... why do I feel like… I feel like I must have missed one. Because I feel like I had a more serious one.
KAYLA: I'm sure you did.
SARAH: But I don't have it listed. Okay, update. No updates. No updates to be found.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I'm just gonna read what I have written. I wanted to read just for fun at least once a week. Do I do that? No.
KAYLA: But you have read though.
SARAH: I have read. Like, when I was listening back to the pod, I was saying how I had recently finished, in December mind you, a book that I started in May.
KAYLA: Yeah, you cut down on your time.
SARAH: I'm doing much better than that.
KAYLA: You are. You read books.
SARAH: I read at least one book.
KAYLA: You read the Michelle Obama book.
SARAH: I read two books. I read four books.
KAYLA: That's very good for you.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That's a vast improvement.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: I have a lot of books for work I need to be reading.
SARAH: I got a book for writing.
KAYLA: That's exciting.
SARAH: Yeah. Got that on the internet. But yeah, I have read four books this year. Which, like, it has been six months. That's not great. But like, for me...
KAYLA: But like, for a college kid too, like...
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That's good. I think that's good.
SARAH: It's been five months. I don't know how years were. Whatever. It's June. It's the middle of the year, okay?
KAYLA: But I think that's very good for a college student as busy as you are. I think that's a great number.
SARAH: My other one was I wanted to get better at handstands. And to be able to do a press handstand.
KAYLA: Well...
SARAH: Here's the thing.
KAYLA: She's injured.
SARAH: My wrist... My wrist was always hurt.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But it was like okay then.
KAYLA: And now it is not.
SARAH: These past couple weeks, it's been absolute ass.
KAYLA: She has a cyst.
SARAH: I have a ganglion cyst on my wrist.
KAYLA: Have you named it?
SARAH: No. I don't want to.
KAYLA: What? Can I name it?
SARAH: I don't want to have an emotional connection to this.
KAYLA: No, here's the thing. Do you know who Simone Giles, I think her last name is? She's on YouTube.
SARAH: Sounds familiar.
KAYLA: She did all the shitty robots. That was her big thing.
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: So she has a brain tumor.
SARAH: Oh, right.
KAYLA: And it has been like a two year long situation. But she named it Brian, the brain tumor.
SARAH: I don't want to name myself.
KAYLA: But it's funny because now she's having Brian Eviction Day. And it's funny.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: It's pretty fun.
SARAH: I'm not doing that. But it was tolerable for like two years. And I would get it drained every once in a while.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then...
KAYLA: If you look at it, it looks gnarly.
SARAH: And then I was going to get surgery to have it removed. But then timing got weird. So I was going to wait until after my Quidditch career ended, which would be after this August. But these past couple weeks, it's been so bad.
KAYLA: Do you think you're going to get it sooner?
SARAH: Here's the thing.
KAYLA: That's her dominant hand too.
SARAH: It's my dominant hand.
KAYLA: So it's just like especially bad.
SARAH: The thing is that when I'm playing Quidditch, it's not that bad.
KAYLA: Well, is it because you have like adrenaline?
SARAH: Yeah. And also just because like I mean I'm wearing my wrist brace when I'm playing Quidditch and it's all the way tight when I'm playing Quidditch.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And so like it's really not that bad.
KAYLA: But do you think it is making it worse?
SARAH: I don't. Well, it's making it weaker, that's for sure.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I mean my right wrist is much weaker than my left wrist.
KAYLA: She's skinnier.
SARAH: And I have, I'm wearing my wrist brace right now. Like I wear it much more often.
KAYLA: Sarah wears it literally always.
SARAH: I don't always because it gets annoying.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But then, yeah. Like I went to work out today and I can't do anything arm-related basically at this point.
KAYLA: It sucks.
SARAH: Because I, it just, I can't.
KAYLA: You should just do it one arm and have one really big arm and one sata.
SARAH: And then like I was leaving and I was like okay I'm going to take my wrist brace off because I don't want to have it on tight all the time because like I want to have some wrist strength.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And, but then I was walking home and I found myself doing this a lot recently is I just like brace my wrist with my hand.
KAYLA: Oh, that's so sad.
SARAH: And then I'm like well this is just depressing.
KAYLA: That’s sad
SARAH: So, I haven't really been able to do that. I wasn't doing a great job of it before that but I also, I just can't do it now. So, that's a no go.
KAYLA: An injured lady.
SARAH: Also sleep more. I do sleep more.
KAYLA: You do sleep more.
SARAH: I actually now sleep too much. Well, it's that whole thing where you get into summer and your schedule falls apart.
KAYLA: Yeah, or my schedule is, I've been staying up until like two or three, sleeping until whenever.
SARAH: I haven't been staying up late. I've just been not waking up when I mean to.
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KAYLA: See, but you need to like, you got to bank your sleep when you can, you know?
SARAH: I know, but I'm in a class and working two jobs.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I should be more on top of this.
KAYLA: It's hard because it's hard to be productive in the summer because I feel like we're not used to having to be that productive.
SARAH: Well, yeah, and also…
KAYLA: like your whole life is like summer is fun time.
SARAH: Yeah. Well, and also I used to work at 8am several days a week and so that gave me structure and now that I don't have to do that, like my brain likes to do that thing where they're like, summertime, free time, depression.
KAYLA: Oh yeah.
SARAH: Because I have nothing to do and so then I just, I'm a potato. And I've been trying to avoid that but I've been sleeping too much anyway.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's what I was writing down things that I'm excited for when moving to try to make myself feel better.
SARAH: Schedule
KAYLA: And one of my things that I was excited for was to have a structure because it has been devastating to have a structure.
SARAH: I'm the kind of person that needs, if I had a structure to every single day of my life I would die. But if I didn't have a general structure to sometimes deviate from, I just get depressed. It's fun.
KAYLA: just need things to do. I'm someone that always needs to have things to do. I'm not better about it, but like...
SARAH: My thing is I need someone to hold me accountable. And that's what structure does, is it holds you accountable.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: That's the tea. Then we had resolutions for the queer community. Yours was more specifically for the ace community. You said that you felt that the ace community was very white and very western and very middle class, and you wanted to see expansion. Which, over five or six months, I can't do math, I guess it's been five months. But it's kind of hard to measure that. But we did talk about what actions we can take to try and make us more visible, because that was something that I was like, well what can we do? I feel like a small, useless person. And we're talking about sharing the community beyond us, just into the world and into the queer community. I mean, I feel like with the pod, we kind of are always doing that. And I think with the upcoming TED talk episode and the resources page that we're building on our website, I feel like we're doing something with making it at the very least more accessible to people.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think we're doing, with the time and resources we have, I do feel like we're doing a lot. We probably could, I mean, there's always more to do.
SARAH: I mean, everyone could always be doing more. We could start an entire, we could start an AVEN.
KAYLA: We could truly…. yeah.
SARAH: But it's just, that's not the direction we're taking our lives, but we're doing this little thing to help where we can.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think, and I would love to have more ace people of color on the podcast. The girl that started the, this is what asexual looks like. Yasmin is black and she's a model and I think she's a really interesting person. I follow her on social media and I'd love to have her on at some point if we could. She's in England though, so that makes everything complicated.
SARAH: Yeah, everything gets a little bit more complicated especially because me and Kayla now aren't going to be in the same place as each other.
KAYLA: Yeah, so that's something that in five months isn't really going to...
SARAH: Yeah, you also said, and this was kind of related to mine, but you also said intersectionality just within the queer community. And you were saying, appreciate the black trans women more. Which, did you hear? They are putting up statues of Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera in... I don't remember where, I'm assuming it's New York City.
KAYLA: I think it was New York.
SARAH: Yeah, New York. But they're the first transgender people to get statues.
KAYLA: I did see that, that's exciting.
SARAH: I had nothing to do with that, but good on them. The things I said for queer community was stop making who has suffered more a barrier for entry.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I don't know if that's...
KAYLA: I think we'll see this Pride, how well that's going. Pride is often a stressful time for, I think, more minor queer identities. But, I guess we'll see.
SARAH: We'll see. I think that's another thing that you really just... It's also the sort of thing that you can't really see until you look at it in hindsight.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, it needs time and distance for us to really know. Yeah. But, I mean, I try and call it out where I see it. I don't... I'm not super entrenched in queer communities, so, like, aside from this one.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, I don't see it a ton necessarily. But, you know, do what you can.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then I said, if you have a soapbox, use it for the people who don't have soapboxes. And then you said to give everyone a box. And then I said give everyone soap. I haven't given everyone soap. Have you given them boxes? I don't have soap to give away.
KAYLA: I've taken more boxes than I have given at this point.
SARAH: I watch a lot of Instagram soap cutting videos.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Anyway, I feel like we're trying to use our soapbox.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: But there is logistical problems.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think... I mean, I think we're trying... I don't... Yeah, I think we're trying and, like, not to, like, pat ourselves on the back and be like, we're so great.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But, like, I do feel like...
SARAH: Well, and for these world ones, it's hard... We can't look at the world, so we just have to look at ourselves.
KAYLA: Yeah. And I feel like we're doing a good job.
SARAH: We're doing at least something.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And that's good.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm. It's better than nothing.
SARAH: Nice. Okay. Then we move on to the world writ large, which are also going to be hard. Well, some of them are actually pretty easy to measure.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: But you said for people to not assume that your experience maps onto the experience of everyone else, aka imagine others complexly. How are we doing?
KAYLA: Probably not well.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Okay.
KAYLA: But that's a tough one.
SARAH: It's a toughie.
KAYLA: These are more like a genie situation.
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah.
KAYLA: You know?
SARAH: Mine, I had two. Mine were listen to other people slash, like, think, like, people who you disagree with think about, like, why they feel that way.
KAYLA: How's that going?
SARAH: I don't know. I don't even know if I'm improving at that to be quite frank.
KAYLA: I don't think I am either.
SARAH: It's a struggle in the current state of things.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: But, see, this is why you check in is because you have to be like, well, I've got to think about that again now.
KAYLA: Yeah. I'm not good at that. I've got to be real honest.
SARAH: The other world one I had was stop trying to build a fucking wall. It's not going well.
KAYLA: No, did you see the thing on Twitter? Some kid had, like, a lemonade stand and was, like, giving proceeds to building the wall and he raised $22,000.
SARAH: That's some bullshit.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Then we talked about the government shutdown for a little while and it got political, so then I said my resolution was to not be sorry for things turning political. And I'm not.
KAYLA: Okay. As soon as we're into politics.
SARAH: I am. I feel sometimes sadder because I'm into politics now, but I feel informed.
KAYLA: That’s good.
SARAH: I feel like I know what's going on in the world. I feel like I, in class the other day, I, okay, this is a tangent, but I usually never use, usually never. What? I don't usually use my computer in my classes, mostly because professors don't let me and also because they're highly distracting for me. But in the class I'm in right now, we talk about the readings a lot, and I don't ever print them.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: And there's only six of us in the class, so we really need to be able to look at them. And so I have my computer out, so I sometimes get very distracted in class because I have my computer in front of me. And the other day in class I was like, oh man, I should contact my house representative.
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: So I sent her an email in the middle of class.
KAYLA: Of course you did.
SARAH: Yeah, I'm not sorry for things turning political. Sometimes I'm sad about my knowing political things, but mostly I'm just glad I know things and I'm informed. Everyone should be informed about politics. I know more about world politics now. Not a ton, but some more than I used to.
KAYLA: That's good.
SARAH: It is good. Okay, my resolution for you was to be nicer to yourself. How are you feeling on that?
KAYLA: That's something I think that also is going to be a life journey. But I do think it's getting, it's at least, at the very least, it's something I'm more aware of.
SARAH: That's good.
KAYLA: I do think I'm getting better as time goes on.
SARAH: One of the things I said to you was when you think of things that you're saying to yourself, to ask yourself, would you say this to a friend? And then you said that it's not me because… You just mean me, okay?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But, question, do you feel like you often say things to yourself that you wouldn't say to a friend?
KAYLA: I mean, I do think it's getting better. I think it still happens.
SARAH: Do you notice it more when it happens?
KAYLA: Yeah. And that's been something that's been hard for the past couple months especially. I was going to therapy twice a week and so I was learning a lot about myself, which is sometimes painful because then you do notice things like that. I was kind of living in ignorant bliss about how my life was going. And so it's kind of painful to realize things about yourself and realize that things have changed.
SARAH: This is the year of like realizing stuff.
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: It's like learning. Yeah, no, but it is painful realizing that like, oh, this is why I've had these underlying feelings for a while and I need to change things that maybe are kind of hard or that I don't necessarily want to change, that I need to.
SARAH: Like realizing and also accepting shit is… Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. which is like an ongoing thing. But I do think it's, I'm at least at the realizing stage.
SARAH: It's the year of realizing things, Kayla.
KAYLA: Just learning and growing.
SARAH: Your one for me was to be more comfortable with my feelings. How do you think I'm doing?
KAYLA: I honestly don't know. I, and I think that might be a testament to how it's going.
SARAH: Okay, rude.
KAYLA: I'm just saying. I mean, I don't know.
SARAH: I think, I think it's going better.
KAYLA: That's good.
SARAH: I think it’s… I'm still not a very like confrontational person. And I don't throw my feelings at other people very often. But I feel like I've been doing a better job at… I see I don't know how to explain it. I think I've been doing a better job but I can't explain it very well.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: So I don't know what that means.
KAYLA: Neither.
SARAH: But here we are.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know.
KAYLA: I don't.
SARAH: Don’t tell me
KAYLA: I don't. See Sarah, it's like this happening that makes me feel like… And I'm sure you have grown. But it's this situation that makes me say that there's still more to go.
SARAH: See but the bar started so low.
KAYLA: Yes. However, just because the bar is low doesn't mean you get to keep to there.
SARAH: Well no, I'm just saying the bar has risen but it just still seems low because it started so low. You know?
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean yes.
SARAH: Listen. I feel... Never mind.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Never mind encapsulates everything. I feel... Never mind.
KAYLA: Never mind. That should be your Twitter bio.
SARAH: No, I like my Twitter bio. I'm proud of it.
KAYLA: Well then.
SARAH: Alright, so that was everything.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: How do you feel we've just done all around?
KAYLA: I feel like we're doing good.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: I mean the world stuff, you know, what are you going to do about that? But for the things we can control...
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I feel like we're doing good.
SARAH: Okay. Do you have anything that you feel like you wanted to do in the past five, six months and just straight up haven't?
KAYLA: Oh, I mean... In regards to this kind of stuff...
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Not really.
SARAH: Or like, I don't know, skydiving.
KAYLA: Well, I mean, I wish I...
SARAH: I wanna go skydiving.
KAYLA: Oh, me too. I mean, there's like, you know, I'm... It's hard because when you have depression, it's hard to do things sometimes. And so I spent a lot of time being upset that I was dealing with a lot of depression this year and this semester. Because I felt like I was missing out on things. And like, it's not how I wanted my senior year to go. And that's kind of how I feel about my last month here, is I didn't do as much final things in Ann Arbor that I wanted to. But I've kind of accepted that as just like, that's how it is. And it's not like I'm never gonna come back here again.
SARAH: Yeah. That's very true. You know what I realized just now also?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I think part of the things with… Kayla is just grabbing this thing under her eyes.
KAYLA: When you lift it out, the tears go back in
SARAH: Oh my god, stop, I hate it.
KAYLA: Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.
SARAH: No, no, no, okay.
KAYLA: As you were…
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: If you just… they'll seep back into your skin.
SARAH: I was thinking, okay, I think I am better with feelings. I think I'm just not as good at feelings on this podcast because I know that the audience is like… we don't have a huge audience.
KAYLA: Yeah, but it's fair.
SARAH: I'm talking to more than one person who I personally know.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair.
SARAH: And with feelings stuff, I have to know you very well to like, give you feelings stuff. And because I don't know all of our listeners very well, that is why I said I feel… never mind.
KAYLA: No, that's fair.
SARAH: Because I was like, I don't want to say this to all of our listeners even though I love you all and you're wonderful, you know.
KAYLA: Yeah, no, that's very fair.
SARAH: I just keep thinking about you pulling your eyes out.
KAYLA: Well, okay, so listen, you're crying, you pull your eyes out and they go back in to the little pot. You'll know… you know what I'm talking about.
SARAH: I don't think they do. I think it's a… I just listened to you with my eyes shut and it was a poor description. You said you pull your eyes out and you put them back in.
KAYLA: Okay, listen, see you have… listen, you have the skin under your eyes, right? And if you think about it, the tears come from like, the outer corners of your eyes. And then they go probably like a little bit inwards. So, you know, where you're at the lash line, where your bottom lashes are, you pull that skin out and you can see the red part, you know, that's like under your eye. So if you think about it, if you want to get the tears back in your face, you pull open your face via the lash line and where the tears are going to go back in. It's just like tipping your head back and hoping they kind of go back in. I think that was a pretty good description. If anyone would like a picture, please let me know.
SARAH: Kayla, what's the poll this week?
KAYLA: Well, how'd we do?
SARAH: How did we do? And also how are you doing, I think. It's a good thing to check in on yourself. And even if you didn't have specific resolutions because you, like me, think they're stupid, just think about like what are the things that you kind of hoped to achieve or just be better at by this time of the year? And check in with yourself. We should have like a real poll though. Sarah, feelings, question mark. I feel like all of these ones are, okay, as a person who pretends to not have emotions, I feel like this is the sort of poll where it's like I would say like tell us, but I also don't want to make it anyone just tell us because I wouldn't tell you.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: You know?
KAYLA: Yeah, well. Now did you notice the personal growth? I said a person who pretends to have no emotions rather than just a person with no emotions.
SARAH: That's good.
SARAH: Personal growth.
KAYLA: That is growth.
SARAH: Resolute.
KAYLA: Oh my god. So, what's the poll?
SARAH: The poll is, okay, guys, me and Kayla just discussed it.
KAYLA: We had a meeting.
SARAH: We have a very, very serious poll this week I think. It is… send us your cows. We want cow pics, okay? Send us your best cow pics. We're talking actual cows. There are no double entendres here. I want pictures of...
KAYLA: What is the double entendre?
SARAH: I don't know. I'm just covering all the bases.
KAYLA: Okay, okay, okay.
SARAH: You know, cows. Send us cows. The best cows. Oh no, I sound like Donald Trump. Cows. What is your beef of the week?
KAYLA: My beef of the week is that moving is not fun. It's stressful. It's scary. I don't like it.
SARAH: That checks out.
KAYLA: Yep
SARAH: My beef of the week, I had several beefs written down. And you know what? You know what the one I'm gonna go for is?
KAYLA: Tell them.
SARAH: When people on Tumblr just call me out anonymously for not knowing every detail about the golden ratio. Listen.
KAYLA: This person is probably listening right now and feels really bad.
SARAH: I know
KAYLA: You're making them feel bad.
SARAH: Don't feel that bad. But listen.
KAYLA: Feel a little bad. Especially because you didn't even respond to the asks. You chose not to respond to them instead to respond publicly.
SARAH: Here's the thing.
KAYLA: Listen….
SARAH: I know Riley is a foster. But he is sick and they can't adopt him out.
KAYLA: This is very funny to me.
SARAH: Also, he's been with them for a while. In my brain, he's just a dog. He is just a dog, you know? Also, I know the dad is from Germany. It's very exciting to me.
KAYLA: Uh-huh.
SARAH: Yeah. On their golden ratio pod, he does a German word of the week and it's fun.
KAYLA: Oh, that's exciting.
SARAH: Also, the other beef of the week is gingivitis.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I used to be really good at brushing my teeth, but then this past semester…
KAYLA: I'm bad at it.
SARAH: I got a little bit worse and now I have gingivitis in one of my gums.
KAYLA: See, I don't want to say that because I am very bad at brushing my teeth. Knock on wood, never gotten it.
SARAH: I've taken so much pride in the fact that I'm really good at taking care of my teeth. And then now my teeth are like… I wouldn't be surprised if when I go to the dentist, they're like, you have cavities because…
KAYLA: You've had cavities before.
SARAH: I have, but not very many.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it's just like when I chew sometimes, I'm like, that hurts.
KAYLA: Yeah. I have that… thinking about it, I have that all the time.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So.
SARAH: And part of the problem is if I drink pop and then I accidentally fall asleep without brushing my teeth. That's the worst.
KAYLA: Do you want to know how bad I am at brushing my teeth?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: I was on the phone with my boyfriend last night. I was about to go to bed and he said, did you brush your teeth? And I said, no. And he said, please go brush your teeth. And I said, no. And you know what I did?
SARAH: You brushed your teeth?
KAYLA: No, I didn't.
SARAH: You didn't brush your teeth.
KAYLA: I didn't.
SARAH: Brush your fucking teeth. Do you see my gingivitis?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's bumpy.
SARAH: Also, it's…
KAYLA: I didn't brush my teeth.
SARAH: I have mouthwash now. I use mouthwash. Also, I floss more often. Also…
KAYLA: I just don't care.
SARAH: I was playing Quidditch the other day and you have to wear a mouth guard and the mouth guard hit right where the gingivitis was.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah, that's painful.
SARAH: And it was not cute.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Yeah, I bet that.
SARAH: Yeah, uh, brush your teeth or you'll get gingivitis.
KAYLA: Yeah, I'd like to make myself a new resolution. It's just to be healthier.
SARAH: Don't get gingivitis. 2K19.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: Okay. Those were my two main beefs. I had some other ones, but whatever. What's your juice of the week?
KAYLA: Um, I think my juice of the week is I saw some good movies. I saw…
SARAH: Booksmart.
KAYLA: Booksmart
SARAH: Booksmart is so good.
KAYLA: It's one of the best movies I've ever seen.
SARAH: If you haven’t seen Booksmart, go see Booksmart. Continue.
KAYLA: Uh, so we saw Booksmart a couple days ago. Amazing.
SARAH: So good.
KAYLA: Uh, I saw Rocketman today with my sister. Very good. It made me, like, just want to listen to Elton John and cry.
SARAH: I was at the gym listening to Elton John because I… my juice of the week is also related to that kind of thing. Um, there's a video online. It's on Elton John's YouTube channel of Elton John playing piano and Taron Egerton, who plays Elton John in Rocketman, and who's Welsh. And, uh, Taron Egerton is singing, um, Tiny Dancer, and then, like, Elton John's being his backup. And it's very cute, but also, like, it's so pure, because Taron Egerton is looking at Elton John like he cannot believe this is his life. Like, he is living his best life in this moment. Like, he keeps just, like, smiling at him. And then Elton John looks like a proud father.
KAYLA: See, that makes- after watching the movie, too, that makes me, like, even happier, because, like, in the movie you see him go through, you know, like, a really hard time and a hard life. And so that's just, like, I need to watch that. I'll probably, like, stop stopping.
SARAH: And, like, the video's from February, so it was before the movie even came out. But it was just, like, and I've heard that Elton John, like, approves of the movie.
KAYLA: Well, he… I heard that they had a different actor playing him, and then he was with that actor for Kingsman 2, because he made a cameo in that movie, and he, like, met him, and he was, like, I want that one.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It's just lovely. I haven't seen the movie… But…
KAYLA: I think the movie is really well… they handled really sensitive topics really well. The songs were integrated in a way that made it seem kind of like a musical. Like, his voice was great, I thought. There were times where literally I was like, this looks just like Elton. Like, most of the time you can be like, okay, obviously this isn't Elton John. But there were some times where I was like, Elton John on my TV?
SARAH: In the movie theater?
KAYLA: In the movie… it's my TV, yeah, on the movie theater.
SARAH: Yeah, all the comments were so pure. And there was one comment that was like, I'm so glad Elton is here to do this. Like, he's here to be alive while they're making a movie about him. Like, he's been sober for like, what, 28 years?
KAYLA: 28 years. Yeah, they did like, in the credits, they did like, some stuff about that.
SARAH: Yeah, and they were like, I'm so happy that he's able to do that and like, live his best life now and be able to see all this. It's just so pure.
KAYLA: It was funny, they were like, he's been sober for 28 years but he still has a shopping problem. And it was just him with like, a shit ton of Gucci bags. And I was like, Elton, you silly man.
SARAH: Elton
KAYLA: Yeah, it was a really good movie. The more I think about it, the more I'm like
SARAH: I don't know why I didn't make Booksmart my juice of the week.
KAYLA: I was, I thought you were gonna be mad at me because I made movies my juice. I thought that was also gonna be your juice.
SARAH: Oh no why? Listen, okay. Small, um, little offshoot here about Booksmart. Booksmart, first of all, she's such a good movie. I love Noah Galvin. He's a, he's a precious bean. But also, I, when I walked out of that movie, I had like, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: And I was really ready to see it just again immediately. I think I'm gonna see it again this weekend.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: And I, the only other times I've had that reaction to watching something has been Marvel movies and live musical theater. And those are like my two favorite things. And so the fact that I reacted the same way to a movie that, like, I didn't have anything invested in already.
KAYLA: It's a good movie.
SARAH: It's a good movie. It's a good fucking movie. Watch it. Maybe you can. Alright. Well that is the pod. You can find the cows, you can send us your cows and tell us about your beef and your juice on...
KAYLA: And tell me you love me. I'm having a hard time.
SARAH: Tell Kayla you love her. About your, uh, @SoundsFakePod.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Sounds Fake Pod. SoundsFakePod.com. We're building our resources page in preparation for our TED Talk.
KAYLA: If you have any more resources to give us, please send them our way.
SARAH: Shoot them our direction. Or if you want to support us on Patreon, patreon.com slash soundsfakepod.
KAYLA: My short spiel for the Patreon is since it's Pride. And I was planning on tweeting about this, which I probably also will on our Twitter. There's a lot of corporations that are putting out like rainbow things. Some of them even have ace colors. That's great. However, what I will just put in your mind, it does not have to be us that you support. But I would just put in my two cents that if you're going to be giving companies money this month for Pride, I would suggest you give it to like queer creators, queer owned businesses, charities, activists. And maybe don't give it to big corporations because you don't really need your money.
SARAH: People who really need your money
KAYLA: The people who really need it and also you don't know those corporations might not treat their queer employees well.
SARAH: They might not treat their employees well, full stop.
KAYLA: You don't know their policies they might be supporting some governmental things that aren't too great.
SARAH: It's great for visibility, but...
KAYLA: Yes, so spend your money where you want, it does not have to be us, but my...
SARAH: We also have a PayPal if you want to just give us money once.
KAYLA: True, but I would just ask that you just think about where you're putting your money.
SARAH: Yeah, and if you don't have money to spend, that's okay.
KAYLA: Who cares? Me either, frankly, so...
SARAH: Yay. Alright, our $2 patrons, $2 to $4.99, because some people in the $2 segment give us more than $2 to $4.99.
KAYLA: It’s true
SARAH: Our Keith McBlaine, Roxanne, Alice is in Space, Anonymous, Nathan Dennison, Mariah Walter, and our newest patron, Jonathan. Thank you, Jonathan.
KAYLA: Thanks, Jonathan.
SARAH: $5, Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finny, Perry Fiero, my Aunt Jeanie, Dee, Benjamin Ibarra, and Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock.
KAYLA: Sarah is reading these with one eye closed, and I can't tell why. Oh, it's the bad one.
SARAH: It's the bad one, and I'm like not...
KAYLA: Sarah has a bad eye. Did you know? Do they know? She has a bad eye.
SARAH: I have a bad eye. I have this thing called Duane Syndrome.
KAYLA: Look it up. She has it. Wow. Did they know that?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Fun!
SARAH: But the angle that I'm at is not conducive to reading in that direction, so I'm just shoving it to make it easier.
KAYLA: Okay, anyway. Yeah.
SARAH: Our 10 dollar patrons are Kevin and Tessa, @dirtyunclekevin, and at Tessa_M_K, Sarah Jones, @EternalLolly, Arkness, who would like to promote Trevor Project, our 15 dollars, are Nathaniel J. White, Nathaniel J. White, nathanieljwhitedesigns.com and anonymous who I forgot to ask if they wanted to promote something this week, but last week they said no. So I will ask them before we record tomorrow.
KAYLA: Ooooooh.
SARAH: Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: Until then, take good care of your cows.