Ep 109: How to Find a Mate
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey, what's up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, attracting a mate.
BOTH: Sounds Fake, But Okay.
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: M’boy
SARAH: Oh, okay.
KAYLA: It's just how I was feeling today, so I thought I would share.
SARAH: That's not really a m’mm thing, but okay.
KAYLA: It wasn't m’mm a boy?
SARAH: Oh, well, I just heard m’mm boy, so that's new.
KAYLA: You really had to listen for the apostrophe, it's not my problem.
SARAH: Okay. Wow. Wow. Um, hi, Kayla. Kayla is holding her cat right now.
KAYLA: She was already in the sink before it was even time. To be fair, there is a piece of fish dethawing, or thawing, in there.
SARAH: Oh, man, your Michigan really just popped out there, didn't it?
KAYLA: I know, I was at work the other day and someone was like, the fuck? And I was like, I don't, I truly couldn't tell you.
SARAH: Dethawing, okay. Um, well, you know what, speaking of that, there's a ton of snow in Michigan right now, so.
KAYLA: There is no snow for me yet.
SARAH: Climate change, am I right? It snowed like almost a foot.
KAYLA: I know, the pictures were very wild.
SARAH: On November 11th, because climate change is real. And today, the high was like 25 degrees Fahrenheit.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's very cold here. It hasn't snowed yet, but very cold.
SARAH: Ah, climate change. Anyway, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: You found a fun Snapchat story.
SARAH: I did. So, a couple of days ago, I was scrolling through social media, as one does, and I was on Snapchat, and sometimes I just kind of scroll through what the stories are that it like thinks I might be interested in for some reason. And I found this one by Cosmopolitan, like the magazine, and it said, “Wear this color leggings to attract your crush.” And I said, wow, this sounds like pod content, but since it was on Snapchat, I couldn't just save the link, so I just screen recorded the whole thing.
KAYLA: And then she sent it to me, and I skimmed it, and I don't remember any of it.
SARAH: Yes. So, we're going to go through it, we're going to learn how to attract our crush by wearing a certain color of leggings. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Yes. Yes
SARAH: Okay. So, you click on the thing, and it says, how to approach a dude at the gym.
KAYLA: A first... First problem.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Heteronormativity.
KAYLA: Uh, yeah, no, the first one is why would I approach anyone at a gym?
SARAH: You make a good point.
KAYLA: Nope, back it up, why am I at the gym?
SARAH: See I'm fine with being at the gym.
KAYLA: I'm not.
SARAH: Approaching someone at the gym only…
KAYLA: That’s rude
SARAH: Only if you already know them.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: But even if you already know them, that doesn't mean you should approach them. Like I have occasionally seen someone I know at the gym, and usually I'm like, hey, how is it going? And like that's, like that's the extent of it. Because you're at the gym.
KAYLA: Yeah, the only reason you should approach someone at the gym is if you know them or if you need like help.
SARAH: Yes, like if you're like, hi, I'm being crushed by this dumbbell, you know?
KAYLA: Yes. Oh, wait. Oh, before we start, really, I have a thing.
SARAH: What's your thing?
KAYLA: Okay, so you know, was it last week or the week before we talked about crushes and squishes?
SARAH: The week before.
KAYLA: It was two weeks ago.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay, so I talked about some of my friends from work.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. I'm just going to let you know, I'm not going to move this around. This is just going to be in the middle of the beginning of the podcast. It's fine. Go ahead.
KAYLA: Yeah. That's fine. They know, everyone, I think everyone knows that this is how it is.
SARAH: They know this is an ADHD podcast with one ADHD host and then just you, so, you know.
KAYLA: And then me. So, one of them finally listened to it today, and she was laughing very hard. She thought it was very funny, but she had some insights that I thought would be interesting to share.
SARAH: I'm ready. I want to know them.
KAYLA: So, this was the one who likes the man. First of all, she was very angry that I said that this man had a bad accent. She took out her earphones, which I'm going to call her out, are knockoff AirPods called Air Vibes.
SARAH: Listen, sometimes…
KAYLA: They're called Air Vibes.
SARAH: The vibes are good, Kayla.
KAYLA: I know, she couldn't hear me through her Vibes today.
SARAH: Air Pods are expensive
KAYLA: They are, and hers were $20 from TJ Maxx, but she couldn't hear me through her vibes today.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: At work.
SARAH: Vibes too strong.
KAYLA: Vibes too strong. Anyway, so she was mad at me and I said his accent was good. It's still not, I can assure you.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: But what she said that was interesting to me was that she thought… she was thinking about it, and she was like, if this guy actually made a pass or a move at me, she was like, I would panic and be like, no, because she was like, I think part of the reason I have the crush is because I know it's unattainable.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And she was like, in the past I've had crushes on people, but the second they start to like me back, I'm like, never mind.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Which I've seen people on the internet say.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Some of us thought that was interesting.
SARAH: I… so like her instinct to like, that person asking her out would be like my instinct to anyone passing me out, which is to run away really, really quickly.
KAYLA: I think so.
SARAH: Okay. That's good to know.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: All right.
KAYLA: But anyway, that's all. You can continue.
SARAH: Great. Okay. So, as a reminder.
KAYLA: We're attracting a man at the gym.
SARAH: We're attracting a man at the gym. The first thing we're supposed to do is ask for a spot. Say… let's say you are bench pressing some heavy dumbbells. Ask your crush to spot you for 10 reps. Thank them and start a conversation afterward. Like, okay, I'm glad you're being safe. But also, don't bench press dumbbells that are too heavy for you.
KAYLA: Well, no, you should always have a spotter.
SARAH: I don't know what's to it.
KAYLA: Spotting… getting a spotter is one of the only reasons I think you can talk to a stranger at the gym.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like, especially if you're using the... what's the big one called?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Oh, like when you are bench pressing, the big one.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That… I think you need to spot for that.
SARAH: Yeah. Full disclosure, Kayla just had to hang up on me.
KAYLA: I got a delivery of cookies to my door and I'm not sorry.
SARAH: And she won't even give me one.
KAYLA: I am in a different state...
SARAH: Of delusion? Am I right, ladies? That's a line from Stick It. You're welcome.
KAYLA: Oh, shit.
SARAH: Okay, anyway, full disclosure, I don't remember exactly where we were. You should get a spot. I don't get a spot. At my gym, the thing, the bench press thing is like on a track.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: That like, you can put like a stopper thing so that like it can't fall below a certain point.
KAYLA: Well, that's very good.
SARAH: So, I don't ever have a spot.
KAYLA: Well...
SARAH: But also, I won't die.
KAYLA: No, that's fair. All I'm saying is like I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone for a spot. If it happens to be your crush or someone cute, okay. Also don't start a conversation with them after they want to go back to their own workout.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. I mean, it does say, or catch them at an off moment, which like, I mean, I guess I'm glad you're sort of respecting the fact that they're like working out right now.
KAYLA: I just…
SARAH: But you know.
KAYLA: The whole premise of this is bad. People don't… People go to the gym to work out and leave.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Whatever. Continue. This point… the points I have are going to stand for all of these.
SARAH: Okay. The next thing is an ad. Then this, step two is approach them while they're resting.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Wait until your dream bae takes a break in between reps.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Then swoop in to say hi so he can give you his undivided attention.
KAYLA: If I was between reps sitting watching the YouTube video that I was definitely watching and someone came up to me during my break. No.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. I mean this does bring up an issue that I hate about a lot of other people at the gym is they do like 10 reps and then they rest for like 15 minutes.
KAYLA: Yeah, you don't need to rest that long.
SARAH: And like maybe, okay I did gymnastics so I have a tendency to want to just keep doing the things because that's how I have always done it. So maybe I rest less than a normal person but also don't rest for 15 minutes. I made a really good tweet about it back in 2018 if you want to find that.
KAYLA: No, I was just going to go find it. I thought it was going to be from today and it wasn't.
SARAH: No, it was from August of 2018.
KAYLA: I'm not going to look for it.
SARAH: Like okay I guess I appreciate that you're approaching them while they're resting, not while they're in the middle of running a 5k. But swoop in to say hi so we can give you his undivided attention. What would you say to him? Hey I like those sit ups you're doing. Like what?
KAYLA: I mean that's the other thing. There's no good way to start a conversation in a gym.
SARAH: I think the best way is just to ask for a spot. And then if a conversation naturally starts out of that, then that's okay. But then if it doesn't, then you need to just stop.
KAYLA: The only time I've talked…
SARAH: And just be grateful this person spotted you.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: True. The only time I've talked to a stranger at a gym is when we were both taking like the same like bar class and at the end or like the beginning when we were waiting for the teacher to do some nice small talk and then at the end being like, fuck that was hard. Bye.
SARAH: Yeah. If it's like a class, there's… you can… like there's more to discuss.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Because you're doing the same thing.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Whereas if you're just at the gym, you're probably not doing the same thing. And if someone is doing the exact same thing as you, are they just following you around?
KAYLA: That's bad. Don't follow people around.
SARAH: All right. Then step three, ask for some assistance. Okay, you basically already did this in step one. If you need help to set up some large equipment, like a boxing bag, ask them to lend you a hand. Teamwork makes the dream work sparks fly. Okay, here's the thing. This is just encouraging the stereotype that women are weak and need help and I don't like that.
KAYLA: True.
SARAH: You're at the gym, you're a boss ass bitch.
KAYLA: There's also like always gym attendants. If there's large equipment that needs two people to set up, there will be a gym attendant. There will be a desk person. At our gym at school, there's always people just like walking around in case someone needed help or to yell at you for just wearing a sports bra…
SARAH: The cleaning staff
KAYLA: Because apparently that's not a fucking loud.
SARAH: Oh, okay.
KAYLA: One time I got yelled at for that.
SARAH: I'm sorry to hear that.
KAYLA: What if that's not my sports bra? What if it's just a really short shirt, sir?
SARAH: I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I'm about to be in LA, so there's going to be a lot of people just wearing sports bras.
KAYLA: I was warm. What do you want?
SARAH: The gym attire in LA is very specific. Also, boxing bag. In what world is a boxing bag not already set up?
KAYLA: Yeah, that doesn't...
SARAH: Are you like Captain America-ing it where you like literally punch it off the hook? Like what?
KAYLA: Yeah, if you're like punching a bag off a hook, you probably are strong enough to do it by yourself.
SARAH: Either you're Captain America or you're playing Wii Sports Boxing, okay?
KAYLA: Fair
SARAH: All right, next. Space out your flirting. If you're in it for the long game, say hi to the person to lay the groundwork and build up a conversation as the weeks go by. That way, things develop naturally. I mean, that's better than being a creeper. I'll give you that.
KAYLA: Who is so... What's the... Dedicated... That they are going to go to the gym every time they go to the gym, look out for this person, and then make it a point to do one thing every time.
SARAH: Yeah, also, I get that some people are very regular with their gym going, but I am not. Like I will go whatever day I please, whenever I please.
KAYLA: I mean, yeah, I've heard from people that are regular gym goers that like go every morning, that they like there's the regular morning crew.
SARAH: I can imagine, yeah.
KAYLA: Actually, I feel like I know someone that like, dated someone. This contradicts everything. Did she date him? Or did she almost date him but then think it would be awkward because then they would see each other at the gym?
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: But either way, there was like something happening with this…
SARAH: I mean
KAYLA: Person that she always saw in the morning at the gym.
SARAH: It's a way you could meet someone but I wouldn't like go at it as like, this is how I'm going to meet my future husband.
KAYLA: No, I think it could happen but I don't know that you should try really hard to make it happen.
SARAH: I agree. I agree. All right. And then it says follow them in a not creepy way.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: There's no way to do that. There's just not.
KAYLA: No. That does not exist. There's no non-creepy way to follow someone.
SARAH: Does not compute. Okay, step five is ask them to use their equipment. Slide into their area and ask if you can use their weights, kettlebells, jump rope or whatever when they're finished using them. Before you start working out again, introduce yourself. Okay, here's the thing. I understand if like the gym is like really busy. This might be a thing where you might just be like, hey, can I use that? But like, if you're in like a half empty gym and you're like, hey, can I use your 10-pound weight? Even though there's one right there that I could use. That's just sketchy as hell.
KAYLA: Here's the only… here's the only ways you can do this. Hey, if they look like they're done with them, they're just sitting on the floor, you could go up and say, hey, you done with those? And now they're yours, but don't talk to them. That's it.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Or if it's really busy or if there's just one machine, I've seen people be like, hey, can we switch off reps?
SARAH: Yeah, sometimes I've heard people refer to that as like working in, I think, because like you just…
KAYLA: Oh, yeah. Can I work in?
SARAH: Can I work in with you? Yeah. Like, that's a thing. But you usually don't talk to the person because…
KAYLA: No, that’s awkward
SARAH: Either you're working out or they're working out.
KAYLA: I think that actually… when I used to go to the gym regularly, I had people do that to me. And I would make it a point to not talk and not look at them because I knew that I didn't want them to look at me when I was working out.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: Because why would I want anyone to look at me? I have a friend who pointedly did not go to the gym today because someone else we knew was also going and she didn't want to be looked at.
SARAH: Oh, my God. I mean, mood. Then it says, learn their secrets. What the fuck are their secrets?
KAYLA: That they don't want you to follow them, probably.
SARAH: Probably. Okay. Number six, ask them about their workout. Talk to them about an interesting workout app they're using or ask them about a movie you've never seen before. This is a natural way to open up. Or you could just like look it up.
KAYLA: I just… if I was working out and someone was like, oh, what you doing?
SARAH: Yeah. Or like, oh, are you using an app? I've just been staring at your phone for 30 minutes. I really think it's good. You'd be like, what the fuck?
KAYLA: That's not right.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. Step seven is ask them about the song on the radio. It says if you both happen to be without headphones, say something like, I've heard this song so many times, but don't know who sings it. Do you know? Then take things from there. Here's the deal. I would never work out without headphones. One time I drove to the gym, realized I had forgotten my headphones, drove home, got my headphones. Like I was in the parking lot at the gym when I realized and I still went home.
KAYLA: I would never. One time I forgot my headphones and so I made my boyfriend give me his.
SARAH: Incredible. The only time you would not use headphones is if you went to the gym with someone with the intention of working out with that person, which I have done like for Quidditch.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Where like you're in a group, but then it's like you talk to each other.
KAYLA: And those are people you already know.
SARAH: Exactly. Also at my gym, so I go to Planet Fitness, which I go to because it's close to my house and it's the cheapest one. And they have like music playing, but they have a bunch of like TV screens and usually on one or two of them, always on one or two of them, it will like be showing like the music video and be like, this is the song. So, this wouldn't work at Planet Fitness.
KAYLA: Because they could just point and be like, it's on that TV.
SARAH: Exactly. I think most gyms do because like when I had a membership at LA Fitness last year when I was in LA, they also had that. And I was like, I could just look at the TV. I could either watch Jeopardy or watch this Imagine Dragons music video. So, there's an option.
KAYLA: That man made Alex Trebek try on his phone…
SARAH: I know he did. Anyway, I don't want to talk about that. But yeah, also, just like, no, I don't like that. Okay. Senate says, speaking of headphones, take them off. Listen, nobody is going to try and talk to you if you're blasting Ariana Grande directly into your ears. Remove your headphones, smile, and be generally approachable. I'm not going to be smiling and listening to nothing while I'm fucking running. Yesterday, I was on the elliptical machine for like a while because I wanted to suffer. I was like, I don't want to run today. So, I was like, let me just run really far on the elliptical because that's better. Anyway, I was listening… There was some Ariana Grande that came on and I was like, wow, I'm glad I have this. I'm glad I'm not just like listening to nothing and smiling at strangers as I'm tired.
KAYLA: This is like reminds me of like when you're at the gym and the man is like, why aren't you smiling? Like, because I'm in pain?
SARAH: I don't know because this is the third mile I've run and I'm fucking tired. What about you? Why aren't you smiling?
KAYLA: Like why would I actively smile at the gym?
SARAH: I don't know, man. A good question. Maybe if you're listening to a funny podcast.
KAYLA: That has probably happened.
SARAH: That has happened to me.
KAYLA: But if a man mistook that as me smiling at him, I would be…
SARAH: I mean, I would never make eye contact. And then this one. Here's an excuse to go shopping. Number nine. Wear something red. Men are particularly drawn to red because it's the color of love and passion. It will draw their eyes directly to you. Okay, here's the deal. After reading this…
KAYLA: Says who?
SARAH: I know. After reading this, the other day when I went to the gym, I have these leggings that are like, I would consider them maroon, but then once I'm at Planet Fitness where everything is purple, it looks pretty purple. But I wore them because they were clean. And I did not find that I was getting any more attention than usual. In fact, the gym was emptier than usual because it had just snowed a foot.
KAYLA: Did you check though that you were getting the same amount of attention?
[00:20:00]
SARAH: No, because I don't ever want to know if I'm getting attention.
KAYLA: My cat looks so dumb right now.
SARAH: That is not relevant to this audio medium.
KAYLA: It really is.
SARAH: Okay, anyway, I found that it was useless not that I was trying to attract men. To be fair, my leggings were not like bright red.
KAYLA: I just like, where's the science behind this?
SARAH: Yeah, I don't know. And in, for all of these, I've had like little Barbie images and like this shows a redheaded Barbie so it's like if you're a ginger are you more likely to attract men by this logic?
KAYLA: I think so because I think red hair is superior.
SARAH: I'll have to ask my mom about it.
KAYLA: True, ask your mom how much attention she gets.
SARAH: Yeah, that's, yeah, okay. And then number 10 it says, wait until he leaves. Some people want to focus on their workouts while they're at the gym. No shit.
KAYLA: Oh, hey do, oh hey, oh. Oh, hey do they?
SARAH: If your crush seems like one of those people, catch them on the way to the parking lot.
KAYLA: If your crush seems like a normal fucking human.
SARAH: Also like a lot of times you're going to be like going into like the locker room before you leave and I'm assuming your gym is not like super progressive and has like mixed gender locker rooms so like how would you know exactly when he's going to leave?
KAYLA: Are they like waving?
SARAH: It'd be weird. It'd be weird as fuck.
KAYLA: I wouldn't like it.
SARAH: Okay and then it says swipe up for the full article. Now for the full article it's called flirting moves no guy can resist and I was like okay this is going to be a classic Cosmo article because you know how like Teen Vogue has evolved. Like Teen Vogue used to be like which Joe Bro was your soulmate and now it's like the basics of Marxism explained and like a bunch of social issues which is great but Cosmo has not evolved in that way. So, I was like well this is just going to be a horrible article and I was like I don't want to have to screen record scroll through this whole thing so I tried to look up the title and then I discovered that there are just so many similar titles by Cosmo that I couldn't find it.
KAYLA: Shocking
SARAH: So, I had to screen record it. And at first, I was like oh this is going to be like a standard Cosmo article and then I discovered it is in fact iconic. Are you ready for this?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: So, at the beginning it seems normal. It goes, if you often feel awkward AF trying to flirt, WTF does that word even mean really? Just remember that the straightforward mainstays of eye contact, volleying genuine conversation and smiling can usually do the trick. If you find a dude who can pick up what you're putting down and reciprocate the interest, you've got a winner on your hands. If you're not afraid to get bold, try some of the below tips to really suss out whether or not you've got a dude who can keep up with you. Use at your own discretion. Success not guaranteed. But he will almost certainly talk to you. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Yes. It also knocks my cat keeps playing with her tail and it's very cute.
SARAH: You need to stop talking about visual things that our audio listeners can't hear.
KAYLA: I put a picture on our Instagram story.
SARAH: Jesus. Alright so step, step, or... option one, I guess. Man spread next to him on the subway. Don't be afraid to really get in there and encroach on his physical space. When he shoots you a WTF look, fire back one of those eyebrow raise tongue click shrugs. You'll have them eating out of the palm of your hand in no time.
KAYLA: Hey what… hey what… hey what's that?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: What's an eyebrow raise?
SARAH: Oh, you're raising an eyebrow and you strike your shoulders and you go at the same time.
KAYLA: That's a lot to do at once.
SARAH: I think that's the point.
KAYLA: Fair
SARAH: The next one says see a cutie at the bar? Saddle up next to him and start crying. Cry louder until he tosses you a pity. “What's wrong?”
KAYLA: That's very good.
SARAH: Next, do the bend and snap. I mean proven success.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Okay. Next, perform a monologue of Ben Affleck's best lines from the Michael Bay classic Pearl Harbor. Using rote memorization will remind him of what a good wife and mother you will be someday.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Iconic. Next, humble brag in a way that makes him insecure about his job. That's beautiful. Next, introduce him… introduce yourself as first name plus uber and tell him that you're the heir to a startup that's uber but for cabs.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Catch him staring at you? Lick your lips and blow a big spit bubble while maintaining eye contact with him. Naughty.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Go everywhere with a manic pixie dream prop of your choice, like a typewriter or flip phone from 2006. It's a great conversation starter. If he brings up manic pixie dream girls, just say you don't know what he's talking about and he'll explain it to you. Even the most self-aware dude can't resist unpacking film tropes for young women.
KAYLA: But as a film person, Sarah, is this true?
SARAH: Oh yeah. Yeah. Um, all right. Walk by him with a super tampon sticking out of your back pocket.
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: Bonus points if it accidentally drops while you're walking by him. When you pick it up, wink and say, I can't help it, I just need them huge before crab walking away.
KAYLA: Oh my god. I thought that was going to say if there was… like have a tampon just sticking out of your vagina.
SARAH: Oh, oh, interesting. Um, I think the best part about that, like the cherry on top is the crab walking away.
KAYLA: Oh, obviously.
SARAH: I think that's a really important step. If you don't do that, it won't work.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Next is tell him you've never seen a David Lynch movie. Yeah. Um, eyeing that hot bartender but unsure how to make your move? write your LinkedIn URL handle on your receipt and tell him to endorse you for PowerPoint.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Next, steal his hat and wear it. This is a time-tested move that totally delivers.
KAYLA: Uh, can confirm, worked in middle school.
SARAH: Oh boy.
KAYLA: Just kidding. Who liked me in middle school?
SARAH: But like sometimes I do that and I'm like, I promise I'm not flirting with you. I'm just fucking with you. This is my hat now.
KAYLA: Yeah, but it does come across as flirting.
SARAH: Fuck.
KAYLA: Sorry, Sarah. People do think you're flirting with them.
SARAH: All right, then it's, grab his phone and instead of putting your phone number in it, enter your home address as his seamless default address. What is seamless? Am I supposed to know?
KAYLA: I sure don't know.
SARAH: Okay. Someone tell us. Next, tell him about a night terror you had.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Ask him, is your feminism intersectional? Great question.
KAYLA: That is very important.
SARAH: At a coffee shop. If at a coffee shop, sorry, steal his coffee. This is mine now.
KAYLA: I think that's a good one.
SARAH: Yeah. Regardless of the season, ask him what the song of the summer is. It's always California girls, okay? What are you talking about?
KAYLA: Is that you or the article?
SARAH: Oh, that's me. It's always California girls. California girls was the song of the summer for like 10 years straight.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: All right, ask him to proofread the Craigslist missed connection post you're already writing about your encounter.
KAYLA: That's very good.
SARAH: If you spot a cutie at the grocery store, reach into his basket and take an item out. When he asks why, just say you don't understand how grocery stores work and walk away.
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: I mean, that will get his attention.
KAYLA: It will.
SARAH: Not guaranteed that he's going to be interested in you.
KAYLA: But very good in any case.
SARAH: Throw a prenatal vitamin at him, just one
KAYLA: Oh my gosh.
SARAH: Ask if he's ready to adopt a family of French bulldogs with you.
KAYLA: That's a good test.
SARAH: Airdrop him a screenshot of your shopping cart on Gap.com.
KAYLA: Hold on, there's a work emergency.
SARAH: This is the working music.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Did you enjoy my working music?
KAYLA: I liked it. It made me very productive. Sent that message real good.
SARAH: Oh, okay. Ask him about his salary. Only real male feminists will answer this question.
KAYLA: I think that's good.
SARAH: Yeah. Shake his hand, but have a half-bitten off hangnail brush against his palm ever so lightly. The touch will have him shaking for days.
KAYLA: I don't think that one's very practical because if you have a hangnail and you ever like bump it, it usually hurts.
SARAH: Okay. Bold. Next is ask him what percentage battery he's at as if you were to charge your phone using his cord, but don't actually say anything further than asking his percentage. This reminds me of those ads where it's like those like Android phones where you can like charge each other's phones by putting them on top of each other.
KAYLA: I don't get that.
SARAH: And in the ad they're like, hey, you want to charge? And it's like seen as like a weird flirting thing and like they're friends now. I'm like, no, this is my charge. My battery life is not great and you can't have it.
KAYLA: I don't think I love anyone enough to give them my phone's own charge.
SARAH: Yeah, no.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Maybe like the only situation where I can see that being useful is if like you need to charge your phone with your computer.
KAYLA: Yeah. That’s okay
SARAH: But that doesn't work for flirting because...
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: No
SARAH: But I do think it's good, especially ask what percentage battery he's at, especially if he's like not using a phone charger at the time, like if he's just like sitting there.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fine.
SARAH: Offer to do a reading of your Zodiac compatibility.
KAYLA: Yes. This one is not a joke.
SARAH: Ask him to hold your purse while you go to the bathroom and then never return. Here's my question. Are you letting him know that you're going to go to the bathroom and never return? Or are you just like forcing him to steal your purse?
KAYLA: I think you're forcing him to steal your purse.
SARAH: Okay, how does that work in the court of law?
KAYLA: Uh, well…
SARAH: I think you just gave it to him, right?
KAYLA: Well, but he… can he prove that you just gave it to him?
SARAH: I guess it depends where you are, were their witnesses.
KAYLA: Because like, if it's just word against word, I don't know.
SARAH: Yeah, that's a great question. Tell him you super liked him on Tinder and he unmatched you. Um, oh god, this next one is terrifying. Turn your phone on vibrate. Have a friend call you and act embarrassed like that's what I get for bringing my vibrator to the bar. It will make him think of you in a sexual way, which you probably would have done regardless anyway.
KAYLA: I don't like it.
SARAH: Agree. Speak to him using only quotes from the 2000s classic Mean Girls. Our friend Evan already does that.
KAYLA: Yeah, but gross
SARAH: Can you do quotes from the musical count? Because there are some really good quotes from musical that aren't in the movie.
KAYLA: That's true, but I wouldn't want Evan to do that with me as flirting at all.
SARAH: Oh, but he just does it like as a person.
KAYLA: I know, but I'm just saying they're talking about flirting.
SARAH: Yeah. The next one is speak to him using only quotes from the direct to DVD classic Mean Girls 2.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: The next one is have him fill in the following sentence. You know you love me xoxo blank. The answer is gossip girl.
KAYLA: But I think it's banana man.
SARAH: Okay, that's fair. Give a director's commentary explaining each of your Pinterest boards. Start with the secret ones.
KAYLA: That's very good.
SARAH: It's very funny. Um, tell him he's being such a Miranda even when he hasn't said anything. Ask him if you can buy him an appletini. Stand firm on the appletini and do not give into substitutions should he bring them up. Open with how do you feel about threesomes and then not thoughtful yet whatever he has to say. Do not by any means express an opinion. Just listen.
KAYLA: That's good. I like that.
SARAH: That seems like real life. You know?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Ask him if he's team Brangelina.
KAYLA: I thought that that was going to be ask him if he's teething which I think is also good.
SARAH: I think that's also a great option. That was the last one.
KAYLA: Teething?
SARAH: No, if he's team Brangelina.
KAYLA: But teething.
SARAH: But teething. So, I think that particular article was incredible.
KAYLA: I think it was much more useful than the first one.
SARAH: Beautiful satire. And so, it's confusing and shocking to me that that was like, you know, like when you watch a Snap Story and it's like swipe up to read the rest of the article. The Snap Story was a very like classic Cosmo like this is how to flirt with a guy. And then the swipe up was that.
KAYLA: Well, it makes me wonder if the first one was also a parody but just less obvious.
SARAH: If it was, it was not a good one.
KAYLA: I mean, I agree, but maybe it was like a long game.
SARAH: I don't think it was. It's Snapchat.
KAYLA: Or maybe…
SARAH: No one is here for the long game on Snapchat.
KAYLA: Maybe the person who wrote the parody was mad at the person who wrote the gym one and was like, I'm going to fuck with them and make mine the swipe up.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, there's just a lot. I just think with Cosmopolitan, because of their history, if you want to do satire, you have to go hard on satire like in the article. You can't be soft, you know?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Because people expect you to actually talk like that.
KAYLA: That's very true.
SARAH: So that's this week's episode. Just us reacting aggressively to this strange Snapchat story.
KAYLA: I just don't understand.
SARAH: So, there is that. You're welcome.
KAYLA: Also, wasn't like the thing in the beginning, like what color you should wear to like attract someone?
SARAH: Yeah, it was clickbait.
KAYLA: I mean, I guess they talked about red, but like...
SARAH: They did at the very end, classic clickbait style.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: So, there's that. What's our poll this week? Should you wear red or camo to attract a mate?
KAYLA: Camo, obviously, so they can't see you.
SARAH: Exactly. Teething, question mark? Uh... Which one was better? The first one or the second one? If someone tried to flirt with you while you were working out, would you punch them in the face?
KAYLA: Well, I mean, that's... I think it'll be skewed because of our audience.
SARAH: Yeah, also like, I don't know what percentage of our audience like goes to the gym.
KAYLA: Or punches people.
SARAH: Or punches people. I've never punched someone, but I have gone to the gym.
KAYLA: Me neither, and I want to.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: I just would like the experience.
SARAH: I mean, I've done like kickboxing with like a bag and a couple of times I've done like where they hold lots of things and you hit the things. But like I'm not like punching them in the face.
KAYLA: I want to punch a person
SARAH: Why?
KAYLA: I want to know what it feels like. I'm curious.
SARAH: Okay. Well, I don't ever want to punch a person because it would hurt my wrist.
KAYLA: I mean, that's fair, it would.
SARAH: I think a large reason why I hurt my wrist to begin with is because of kickboxing. I think my right wrist hits a little bit differently than my left one does.
KAYLA: This should be different.
SARAH: And the right wrist is wrong. So, I think that's part of the reason I injured myself.
KAYLA: And I guess I will be doing the punching for this podcast.
SARAH: Don't punch me. My nose is already rough enough as it is. I don't need it to be broken.
KAYLA: But maybe breaking it would fix it.
SARAH: No, it would not.
KAYLA: But have you considered?
SARAH: I have considered it just now and you're wrong.
KAYLA: I don't know. Maybe that's the poll.
SARAH: Jesus. But then people are going to be like, Sarah, your nose is fine. And I'm like, no, I don't want to hear it.
KAYLA: Yeah, me too.
SARAH: I don't like my nose. Kayla thinks she was ugly in middle school and I don't like my nose.
KAYLA: I was. I don't think it. I know it.
SARAH: This is the problem with saying shit like this is people come after us and like you're being too mean to yourself and I'm like, yeah, you're right. But like, what?
KAYLA: Yeah. And that's the problem. And then people start complimenting me and I'm like, fuck, I fished for a compliment. Now I feel bad.
SARAH: Yeah. I just mean it. My nose is inconvenient.
KAYLA: I think it's fine.
SARAH: It's convenient enough. It works
KAYLA: I think it’s fine, I've never noticed your nose though. So, I think it's fine.
SARAH: I just don't like it. It's been bleeding a lot recently. That's inconvenient.
KAYLA: Yeah, that one you could stay on to fix.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay, anyway, I guess our poll is whatever we said.
KAYLA: What did we say? We need to go back.
SARAH: I don’t know, teeth?
KAYLA: No, that can't be it.
SARAH: I don't know, Kayla.
KAYLA: Is it okay to flirt with someone at the gym?
SARAH: No. Never. Is it okay to flirt with someone full stop?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah, it's a great poll.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Is it okay to flirt with someone?
KAYLA: If you want to manage the social media, you can make that poll.
SARAH: I don't want to manage the social media.
KAYLA: Well, looks like you're not doing it.
SARAH: Okay, have you written that down?
KAYLA: I have.
SARAH: Can I ask you what your beef and juice is?
KAYLA: And I did not accidentally...
SARAH: Didn't accidentally post it this week?
KAYLA: I didn't.
SARAH: Nice. What's your beef and juice this week?
KAYLA: Beef I'm not doing because today was rough enough.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: juice is, and this may seem contrary to this week's events, candles.
SARAH: You dumbass.
KAYLA: So, I like candles very much. They smell good. I have them on at work. I light one on my desk every morning.
SARAH: Does that bother other people that it smells?
KAYLA: No, they like the smell.
SARAH: Okay. My mom would be like the one person who would be like, it gives me a migraine. And you'd be like, Julie.
KAYLA: Hold on, I have another work thing I need to do.
SARAH: Oh boy. Kayla is just working. Left and right. Right and left. Middle and back. Top and under. Roundabout. It's not called a traffic circle. It's called a roundabout.
KAYLA: What was I saying?
SARAH: I don't know, but I think I'm going to leave that in.
KAYLA: You should. So, I light a candle every morning at work. My co-workers like the smell, so it's fine.
SARAH: Do you like my candle?
KAYLA: My co-worker was singing that at me.
SARAH: Good.
KAYLA: And so, I like it. It also keeps me warm. Now here's where things get interesting.
SARAH: Warm
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Is that it gives me, so every, you know, a little bit or so, it will kind of, the hair will waft it over to me. And I will smell the smell and I will feel the warmth. Now the other day, the office is very cold and the other day...
SARAH: Is it because men set the temperature?
KAYLA: Yes, and because the ceilings are very high. So, the other day, the office is very cold, so I put it under my face because it was keeping me warm and it was okay for several hours.
SARAH: Hours, really?
KAYLA: And then I was on my phone, I leaned over, I lit my hair on fire. It was fine.
SARAH: How long was your hair on fire?
KAYLA: Like a second.
SARAH: Did you blow it out? Did you stomp it?
KAYLA: No, I patted it, I batted it away.
SARAH: With your hand?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Your raw hand? Raw was not very wordy.
KAYLA: My raw hand.
SARAH: Okay, wow.
KAYLA: Well, so what happened was, so I, yeah, I was like, I leaned down and then I was like, the candle's crackling, why is it doing that? I looked down, there was a fire, and then I went, I spilled my water. And then I went and I batted it out.
SARAH: So, you spilled your water not on your hair and then you used your bare hands.
KAYLA: That's what you do for fire, you bat it out, you suffocate it.
SARAH: I know but like, with your raw hands?
KAYLA: I did, I truly, it didn't burn me and I felt nothing.
SARAH: Wow. Isn't that just a metaphor for life?
KAYLA: Yes. And then a lot of hair fell out. Smelt like burnt hair for a while. So, I relit the candle to make the smell go away.
SARAH: Oh, I hate it.
KAYLA: It was a good time. And the best part was I put it on my Snap story that I was using a candle for warmth before my hair lit on fire. So, then I was able to go back and give everyone the update that my hair lit on fire, which is content wise, chef's kiss.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, Kayla also tweeted about it and I saw the tweet before I saw the Instagram story. So as soon as I saw the picture in her Instagram story of her being like, I'm heating myself with this candle, I was like, I know how this ends.
KAYLA: It was good.
SARAH: It's beautiful. All right. That your juice? Just candles?
KAYLA: Yeah, I just wanted to tell that story.
SARAH: Okay. So, my beef, I had written out some beef about people's reaction to young people saying, okay, boomer.
KAYLA: I love…
SARAH: Okay, boomer. I can't say it right in a sentence.
KAYLA: It's very good. And the TikToks are amazing.
SARAH: Yeah, I just was mad at like people's negative reactions to it. But I don't really want to get riled up about that right now. So, I'm just not going to. Other beef, I've been in this slow recovery from my wrist surgery in September. I talk about it too much probably because you use your wrist a lot, okay?
KAYLA: Wrist update.
SARAH: Wrist update. And a couple times in this past week or two, I've pushed my wrist a little too hard while working out because let's be real, it's very limiting to not really be able to use your hands for any sorts of workouts.
KAYLA: Fair.
SARAH: And like I don't have a weight limitation anymore, but like that doesn't mean I can just like lift 50 pounds, you know? It doesn't mean it feels good to do that. So anyway, I've pushed a little too hard a few times and it has hurt and I just don't love that as a concept for myself.
KAYLA: I have something to admit.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: I was checking Facebook while you were talking.
SARAH: I believe it, yeah.
KAYLA: And I came across a post on, what are the memes called? Something memes for Wolverteens.
SARAH: Umich memes for Wolverteens.
KAYLA: Umich memes for Wolverteens.
SARAH: It's our university's meme page.
KAYLA: mmatchmaker.weebly.com. A matchmaking site for U of M.
SARAH: Yeah, there was that whole email thing.
KAYLA: There was a marriage pact.
SARAH: Yeah, there was a marriage pact.
KAYLA: I missed that. I'm filling this out. I'm not looking for someone, but I'm interested.
SARAH: Okay. Wow, I'm so glad this is the pod content. Um, anyway, don't love wrist pain as a concept. Also, Kayla, you need to remind me to stretch my wrist more often because…
KAYLA: Stretch your wrist.
SARAH: I'm not in PT anymore and I just forget. Other beef, literally to do with beef, is that Devon Nunes has become associated with cows. This was a little while ago, but like it just came back to me today because the impeachment stuff was going on today. And I just think that's an insult to cows everywhere. So, I'm so sorry, cows.
KAYLA: I think there's only like three options of people it gives you on this site and most of them are Bagley, which is the mascot for Bagel Day.
SARAH: Oh, we love Bagley. I've never been Bagley, but I did have the opportunity to be Bagley because I worked at the Alumni Association.
KAYLA: Why didn’t you?
SARAH: Because… does that seem like something I would do?
KAYLA: No, one time my dad was the frog, which was my elementary school mascot, but I couldn't tell anyone that it was him in there.
SARAH: Wow. My elementary school mascot was a bunch of people holding hands on a rainbow.
KAYLA: That's ugly.
SARAH: Yeah, previously it was a pink panther and now it's like an eagle or something. They've changed it so many times.
KAYLA: That’s fine
SARAH: Okay, my juice is Dan Levy. Okay, last week I was talking about Schitt's Creek…
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: As like current hyper fixation, but in the intervening time I have read and seen more about Dan Levy as a person and as a showrunner and he has very quickly become one of the people I like most look up to in the industry in terms of how he does his work and how he treats other people and how he leads. He's a precious bean and I love him and I love what he does. He's so beautiful. I… like his face is beautiful, but also like as a person. I like him a lot. He's Canadian. Also, my other juice is that Whitney Cummings and Joe Mandy are going to be on Love It or Leave It this week and that is wildly exciting to me.
KAYLA: Has this become a Love It or Leave It fancast?
SARAH: Listen, usually the Love It or Leave It guests are people who I don't necessarily know who they are already. I might get to know them because they're on Love It or Leave It a lot. Like that's what happened with Emily Heller, but like both of these people, I know who they are. Whitney Cummings, I know who she is because of Dan Leady. Joe Mandy, I know who he is because he's a writer on The Good Place and I listened to The Good Place, the podcast. I'm excited. I just leaned back in my chair like dramatically excited. I'm done. Okay. Oh god. If you want to take our train wreck poll, create a Love It or Leave It fan podcast with me, all of our social media is @SoundsFakePod. We also have a Patreon. Our $2 patrons are… wait, hold on. I need to drink some water before I do this. I got to hydrate y’all. Our $2 patrons are Keith McBlaine, Roxanne, AliceisinSpace, Anonymous, Mariah Walter, Jonathan, Christopher T Verdiere, Patrick Jackson, Andrew Yang, Ninny, Courtney Jones, Eric B, Amanda Jentinon, and Maddie. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Venicota, Austin Lenny, Drew Finney, Perry Fierro, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollack, Emily Collins, Tim, Ryan Lutzietti, BookMarvel, and Changeling MX. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @dirtyunclekevin @Tessa_M_ K, Arcness who'd like to promote The Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who'd like to promote tabletop games, Anonymous… did Anonymous ever answer our email about what Anonymous wanted to promote?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Anonymous is still promoting Halloween, Sarah McCoy would like to promote a podcast from My Planet Weird, and my aunt Jeannie would like to promote Christopher's Haven. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, NathanielJwhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who'd like to promote Free Mouth Hugs, Sarah Jones who is @Eternalloli Everywhere, and Dragonfly. What is Dragonfly going to promote this week?
KAYLA: Um
SARAH: Tortoises as a concept?
KAYLA: That's good.
SARAH: Yeah. Alright, cool. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]