Ep 182: Fuck, Marry, Kill (But Aspec)
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SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Marry, Fuck, Kill but make it aspec.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: M’andarin orange. Feel like we’ve done that before.
SARAH: Fuck, m’arry, kill.
KAYLA: Our friend Erin texted us after listening to last week’s episode a bunch of m’s. And I cannot remember any of them.
SARAH: M’ichael Cera. I’d like to speak to the m’anager. M’issouri compromise.
KAYLA: Now you’re just using them up. The problem is we’ll do a bunch in one episode and then we have nothing left.
SARAH: I’m sorry to have done this to you.
KAYLA: Thank you for apologizing.
SARAH: Before we dive into the ace version of Fuck, Marry, Kill which is Fuck, Marry, Kill and not Marry, Fuck, Kill as Kayla said but we’re too lazy to correct it, is we’re going to be taking next week off. There will be no podcast episode next week because we are dying.
KAYLA: Slowly but ever faster every day we are dying.
SARAH: The slow march towards death. No, we’re not actually dying but we’re metaphorically dying. So, no podcast next week. It’s been quite a while since we’ve taken a week off. Go listen to the backlog.
KAYLA: We need a break.
SARAH: We need a break.
KAYLA: My other news is that the day you’re listening to this, if you’re listening on Sunday, it’s my birthday, so everyone needs to be nice to me right now.
SARAH: Be nice to her right now. I didn’t get you anything, I got you a hat two months ago.
KAYLA: Yeah that can be the birthday present.
SARAH: Okay, oh great. Let’s just dive in. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: So this week we’re going to play the game Fuck, Marry, Kill and make it a bit more aspec. I think we were thinking about doing another episode of Befriend or End which is—
SARAH: Smash or Pass but ace.
KAYLA: Smash or Pass but aspec. We were like, but what about Fuck, Marry, Kill?
SARAH: We’ve decided that ace fucking, for the context of this game, it’s being stuck in an elevator for two hours with someone. So just you and them.
KAYLA: Here’s how the game works if you’ve never played it. You list three people and then you have to choose one to fuck, one to marry, one to kill. And you’re supposed to pick either three people that are really good or three people that are really bad so it’s hard to decide who to do what with. We want to make it a little bit more ace, little bit more aro. So we were like okay when you fuck someone it’s a closeness.
SARAH: It’s a lil nasty.
KAYLA: A little nasty, very intimate, doing a lot with this person. So we decided spending two hours alone stuck in an elevator with someone is maybe equivalent level of intimacy and discomfort.
SARAH: And then QPR.
KAYLA: For marry. Yes.
SARAH: You could marry your QPR partner.
KAYLA: We’re just saying platonic marriage rather than romantic marriage. Platonic marriage has been getting a lot of coverage lately in the news. I’ve seen a lot of people talking about it and it just interests me. Have I read any of the stories? No. So I’m going to be really talking out of my ass.
SARAH: Coming out of this really informed.
KAYLA: Coming out of this incredibly uninformed and probably wrong. What interests me is that aspec people, and aro people specifically, have been on about platonic committed relationships for a very long time and now that people who aren’t aro are doing it, now it’s okay.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But that’s my assumption. I’m pretty sure none of the people in the story I saw in the New York Times were not aro. I just find it interesting but I’m also uninformed.
SARAH: Thank you for this uninformed opinion that no one asked for.
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KAYLA: You’re so welcome.
SARAH: I appreciate that.
KAYLA: It’s what I live for.
SARAH: Shall we just dive into Stuck in an elevator, QPR, Kill?
KAYLA: Yeah I wish there was a better name for it.
SARAH: Yeah I wish there was a more succinct way of saying it.
KAYLA: Elevator, QPR—it doesn’t have the same.
SARAH: Yeah it doesn’t roll off the tongue.
KAYLA: Stuck. They only need one syllable. Stuck, something, kill.
SARAH: Stuck?
KAYLA: Stuck, friend, kill.
SARAH: Share your finances.
KAYLA: Well, I’m sure one of you will come up with something very smart and good.
SARAH: It could still be Stuck, Marry, Kill but with the implication that the marriage is platonic.
KAYLA: Yeah but it’s just not the same.
SARAH: Yeah you need to give an asterisk, as a sidenote this is what we mean and if that’s what you want out of a quick tagline.
KAYLA: Yeah it’s tough.
SARAH: Okay well let’s dive in. Kayla do you want me to go first?
KAYLA: I guess. As always I’ve barely prepared for this so.
SARAH: Okay, I have a few. So, I was going to say the Chris-es. I almost said Chris Brown Jesus Christ.
KAYLA: Uh, no.
SARAH: Kill Chris Brown, yes. I was going to say, Evans, Hemsworth, Pr—no. I did it again. Pine. I just did the wrong fucking one.
KAYLA: Sarah.
SARAH: This is proof that it really was an accident.
KAYLA: Or it is calculated every time you do it. You were waiting this entire time to do it to me again.
SARAH: Okay. I was just going to say just those three. But I was like oh my god who the fuck do we kill, so we have to do those three Chris-es but we’re also going to do a bonus version including Chris Pratt where the bonus Chris—
KAYLA: So right off the bat we’re changing the rule for the game, for the first time we’re playing it.
SARAH: Yes, yes yes. We have to do them but we also have to do the four Chris-es where the bonus Chris is president.
KAYLA: Ohh that’s very *gasp.* That’s a whole other game you could make is President, Prison, Pen Pal.
SARAH: Oh my god. I mean the US prison industrial complex is a disaster and abolish but yeah.
KAYLA: I mean maybe that’ll be the next time we play this.
SARAH: Someone write that down so we remember.
KAYLA: President, is there a better thing than prison that’s bad that starts with a p?
SARAH: Let’s start with prison and then we can workshop it. I’m not a supporter of prisons. But you know what, I’m not a supporter of murder either.
KAYLA: That’s true, this game is inaccurate.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Obviously if we’re doing all four Chris-es, Pratt has to die.
KAYLA: He does he can’t be involved with me and he cannot be president.
SARAH: Yeah. Hemsworth can’t be president. He does not fit the requirements.
KAYLA: He’s Australian. I’ll give my answer after you’re done giving yours.
SARAH: I think it would be very symbolic to have Evans as the president. Again, they’re all just white guy options, it’s not like any of them would be real breakthroughs in the presidency.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: My gut is telling me that I need to have Evans be the president, I need to QPR Hemsworth and I need to elevator Pine.
KAYLA: I agree with you on all of them except—so kill Chris Pratt obviously, what an asshole. Chris Evans I think would be an adequate President. You know, not amazing but. I would QPR Chris Pine because we all know I love Chris Pine. And the thing about it is it’d be great to spend time with Chris Pratt or Chris Pine—no.
SARAH: See? See? See? See?
KAYLA: No but see I got Hemsworth and Pratt mixed up and it’s just because they both start with P.
SARAH: That’s harder to mix up with Pratt and Pine.
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KAYLA: Shut up. It would be great to spend time with both Pine and Hemsworth but the thing about the elevator is it’s just, what did we say, 10 minutes?
SARAH: Two hours.
KAYLA: Okay but it’s just two hours. When you’re in a QPR with Chris Pine, that’s for life so.
SARAH: No I agree. I mean I love Chris Pine but I feel like I have a better grasp on Chris Hemsworth’s personality and I think we would vibe whereas I’d be very happy to look into Chris Pine’s blue, blue eyes for two hours.
KAYLA: That’s true.
SARAH: If we did have to kill one of them though, which one would you do?
KAYLA: Oh without Chris Pratt in there?
SARAH: Without Chris Pratt. I don’t know what I would fucking do.
KAYLA: I would probably kill Chris Evans.
SARAH: I might have to kill Chris Evans too.
KAYLA: He’s not as fun.
SARAH: I really like Chris Evans, I really do. Of the options, I mean.
KAYLA: Not as exciting.
SARAH: I wouldn’t kill Hemsworth. I’ll give you that. I wouldn’t kill Hemsworth. I feel like Kayla would kill me if I tried to kill Pine so.
KAYLA: That’s the thing, you can tell obviously where our Chris alliances are because I would never kill Chris Pine but would be okay killing Hemsworth. And you’re the opposite. You know what this is really showing to me is we need less Chris-es in the world.
SARAH: Fewer Chris-es would make life easier.
KAYLA: So annoying.
SARAH: At least like Chris-es that look different.
KAYLA: That’s true they all look the same and they’re all in the same types of movies. Either in the same franchise or like Star Trek and Marvel. Pretty similar all things considered.
SARAH: What’s that guy’s name? Chris Redd? Is that guy from SNL. He’s not white, that’s good.
KAYLA: I do not know who that is.
SARAH: He’s on SNL.
KAYLA: Is that like a new cast member cause I have not watched SNL in a while.
SARAH: He’s been a cast member since 2017.
KAYLA: Well where have I been? Chris Redd.
SARAH: I mean Chris Brown but we don’t like Chris Brown. I’m going to look up Chris and see who pops up. Oh my god it’s just fucking white guys.
KAYLA: Famous Chris—Chris Rock?
SARAH: Isn’t he problematic?
KAYLA: I think most comedians are at this—
SARAH: Famous people named Chris. Christopher Walken.
KAYLA: Mmm.
SARAH: Christopher Columbus? Problematic as fuck.
KAYLA: When you look up famous Chris, I want you to guess which one comes up.
SARAH: Just famous Chris?
KAYLA: So I Googled famous Chris, I want you to guess which Chris, standard Google bio box thing, which one is it?
SARAH: Brown.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Well when I looked up Chris-es.
KAYLA: When you look up famous Chris, Chris Hemsworth takes it.
SARAH: Does he take it? Chris Martin.
KAYLA: You look up famous Chris, Chris Hemsworth comes up so I guess he wins.
SARAH: Chris Ecclesleston, Christine Baransky, Chris Farleeeeey.
KAYLA: Chris my ex-boyfriend from high school.
SARAH: Chris Eliott, Christopher Nolan.
KAYLA: Okay I think we can move on. I think we have enough episodes where we do the same thing.
SARAH: It is very interesting the order this list puts people in. It’s surprising. Anyway, that’s enough of that. I’m killing Evans I guess I’m sorry. I’d also like to apologize to my Aunt Jeanie, I know she would not be pleased with that choice.
KAYLA: Well, she hasn’t paid us enough on Patreon to get to have say on this decision.
SARAH: How much would she have to pay us on Patreon to have a say on that decision?
KAYLA: I mean that’s a great question. How much do you need to pay us to really have an impact on the content?
SARAH: To actually impact our opinions. To be the puppet master of us.
KAYLA: I mean a lot. You would need to pay a salary I think.
SARAH: I think so too.
KAYLA: Okay. I have a list of celebrities I made for myself. But now I’m just thinking. Here’s three are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: We got Gordon Ramsay, we know I love Gordon, we have Bobby Flay, we have Guy Fieri.
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SARAH: We are killing Bobby Flay.
KAYLA: I did make it a little too easy by accident adding Bobby Flay but I couldn’t think of another celebrity chef fast enough. Take out Bobby Flay, put in Barefoot Contessa, now what are you going to do?
SARAH: Who is the third one again?
KAYLA: Gordon Ramsay, Guy Ferrari, the Barefoot Contessa, Ina Gardner or whatever.
SARAH: I think I would marry Gordon Ramsay, or QPR Gordon Ramsay because I think he’s misunderstood.
KAYLA: If you watch Masterchef Junior or whatever, he’s always so nice to those kids. I mean he has four kids of his own and they always say he’s never yelled at me.
SARAH: There’s that really nice clip where one of the chefs was blind and she made a pie and he ran the knife over the top of the pie and he was like, “do you hear that? This sound is perfectly crusty because it’s perfectly crusted” and I was like, wow.
KAYLA: What a pure thing to just teach someone what a good pie sounds like. Blind or not that’s. There was this older woman on the Great British Baking Show one time and she would tell if her pies were done by listening to them. Just holding her head up and hearing the inside, it was very wild. Anyway so QPR-ing Gordon Ramsay.
SARAH: Yeah I’m going to elevator Guy and I’m sorry to Ina Garten but I thought for most of my life that her name was Contessa and it turned out to not be Contessa and it really just harmed our potential future relationship. So I’m sorry Ina but you have to die.
KAYLA: That’s fair, I think I would have to agree. QPR Gordon Ramsay, elevator Guy Fieri or whatever.
SARAH: Fieri, dear god.
KAYLA: I’ve never known what it is. I don’t know that I could do more than two hours with him.
SARAH: But I would love to pick his brain for two hours.
KAYLA: For a limited amount of time, sure. It also depends, is he in his Diners, Dine-Ins and Dives persona or is he being a normal human?
SARAH: I don’t think he’s on all the time.
KAYLA: No but he is so—if you sometimes look at the faces of the restaurant people and the chefs he’s going to and he’s in the restaurants for Diners, Dine-Ins and Dives, they are so disgusted by him because he eats in such a disgusting fashion.
SARAH: I admire him for that.
KAYLA: It’s a very brave thing to do on TV I will say that. It’s very brave of him.
SARAH: He’s a brave man. Have you seen his hair?
KAYLA: Have you seen the picture oh, it might have been a Photoshop. I don’t know if it was a real picture or a Photoshop but it was a picture of him with his hair down, not spiked or blond.
SARAH: Oh man. Incredible.
KAYLA: It was a lot.
SARAH: Spiky hair, upside-down sunglasses on the back of the neck, that’s Guy Fieri. So would you do the same?
KAYLA: I would do the same.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay. My next triad. Elon Musk.
KAYLA: Ugh.
SARAH: Bill Gates. Jeff Bezos.
KAYLA: See I thought you were going to add, who did I think, I don’t know what I thought. So who is it? I’m having a stroke.
SARAH: Elon, Bill, Jeff.
KAYLA: Jesus Christ. Here’s the question. If I get into a QPR with someone, am I allowed to divorce them/break up with them at some point? Or is this for life?
SARAH: I think you would have to be with them for at least 10 years. It’s not like you can do a 72-hour marriage. I personally, I guess I would marry Bill because he’s recently single.
KAYLA: I was going to say Bill because I think he’s going to be the soonest to die.
SARAH: I also think of the three he’s the most tolerable. I do think he’s the most tolerable.
KAYLA: Yeah but there must be a lot I don’t know about him.
SARAH: He should not have that much fucking money but at least he does some good things with the too much fucking money he has, you know?
KAYLA: Sometimes but sometimes he does not do good things. I do agree he’s the lesser of three evils.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I agree I think I would QPR Bill Gates.
SARAH: Here’s what I think I would do. This may be a little bit controversial.
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KAYLA: Are we going to get canceled for this?
SARAH: You know what word my brain just supplied when I was trying to think of controversial?
KAYLA: I would love to know.
SARAH: Occupational.
KAYLA: Yeah I don’t know what to say about that one.
SARAH: Anyway it’s a little controversial cause y’all know how much we hate Jeff Beezbos. But I think I would elevator Jeff Beezbos and I would kill Elon Musk. Now the reasoning for this is because I think, Elon Musk is, he seems harmless from the outside but he’s not.
KAYLA: No he’s insane.
SARAH: And he bothers me. There’s something about him I really, I just don’t like him. He’s fucking hosting SNL this week, fuck that shit.
KAYLA: That is such.
SARAH: I think with Jeff, here’s the thing, if Jeff died, someone else would take over Amazon and nothing would change. I would rather have those two hours with Jeff just trying to talk to him.
KAYLA: Do you think you could convince him?
SARAH: I don’t think I could convince him, I like to think that I would say something that maybe he would think of maybe one time. I just, I don’t think that killing Jeff Bezos would end the reign of Amazon, you know?
KAYLA: This is interesting because you are being much less selfish than I am. When I initially thought of this, I was like, I agree QPR Bill Gates. And then instead of thinking who it was best to kill, I was like, who is more interesting to be in an elevator with. And to me Elon Musk is so insane, I do think he would make for an interesting elevator situation. So that was my initial thought was like, Elon Musk is more interesting than Jeff Beezbos. So, I would rather be in the elevator with him. You make some very good points, we have the opportunity to—I’m not considering that I have the opportunity to murder someone.
SARAH: Yeah. And it’s like, if Elon Musk were to drop off the face of the earth, yes Tesla would still exist but I feel like they wouldn’t make all the same choices they’re making now, they would be like, we’re going to make a base on the moon. I feel like that’s very much driven by Elon Musk, whereas for Amazon, it’s driven by capitalism and greed.
KAYLA: He isn’t even the CEO of Amazon anymore right he’s just on the board. Even though it basically means nothing. I think you’ve convinced me. I think I’m going to murder Elon Musk.
SARAH: Do you think I could convince Jeff?
KAYLA: No, because I think he’s—
SARAH: He’s too far gone.
KAYLA: He’s corrupted.
SARAH: Bye Jeff.
KAYLA: Bye Jeff! Okay, are you ready for this one?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: The Queen. Philip, who is already dead but we are going to pretend he’s not. And what’s the oldest son? William.
SARAH: William?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: I would kill Philip obviously. Even if he weren’t dead already, I would still kill him.
KAYLA: He was so wild.
SARAH: This is a really good question because I think the Queen is so interesting but I know she doesn’t have that much time left.
KAYLA: That’s the thing I don’t really know how the monarchy at all but because the money belongs to the family, if you marry the Queen and then she dies do they leave you to your own devices? Probably? But also they just left their children out to their own devices.
SARAH: They cut Harry off when he decided to step down. So I think as long as you stay in the bounds of the royal family, continue to do your duties as a member of the royal family—
KAYLA: Yeah but what would your duties be if you are the spouse of the Queen but you have no royal—cause at least Prince Philip was not the king. He should not have even be the Prince but the Queen was just nice and gave it to him.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But his job was just advising her and helping out. If she’s dead, what’s your job?
SARAH: I think I have to marry the Queen and elevator William. Just because I think I like the Queen better than I like William.
KAYLA: That is a hot take.
SARAH: There’s something about William.
KAYLA: There is and that’s why I included him. I was trying to think of a third bad member of the royal family.
SARAH: I realize that I’m looking right now at a plant that’s literally named after him.
KAYLA: But that was a mistake and we can all agree on that.
SARAH: Well William was named William because he was the son of the late Diana. So, you know? William did not used to bother me but there’s something about him that I just, and I think I would like to be part of the Queen’s day to day life. I want to see what she does you know?
KAYLA: That’s fair. I do agree about—I used to not mind William but I think as he gets older he conforms more and more to how the royal family has been.
SARAH: He becomes more and more like Charles. And I don’t like Charles.
KAYLA: No one likes Charles. That’s why everyone jokes that William started getting ugly because Diana was like, I’m taking away your pretty genes cause you’re fucking it up, I’m giving it all to Harry. Cause he used to be cute.
SARAH: He did.
KAYLA: He did not age well.
SARAH: Whereas Harry looks fine.
KAYLA: Not that looks have anything to do with your merit as a human but a lot of bad people tend to be ugly.
SARAH: Or they get ugly as they grow older. We can’t all be Ming-Na Wen, Paul Rudd, Beyonce.
KAYLA: Lucy Liu.
SARAH: We can’t all age like fine wine. I also think—maybe this is just me hoping but I think to some extent at least the monarchy’s going to fall apart when the queen dies.
KAYLA: Absolutely.
SARAH: And I don’t want to be married to the next in—I guess he’s not the next in line, Charles is the goddamn next in line but you know, I don’t want to be QPR’d to the person who’s supposed to take over that shitshow.
KAYLA: That’s true and I think you would get more bad publicity as William’s partner, as evidenced by how rude they are to Kate and Meghan.
SARAH: Yeah. I mean it’s much easier to be Kate than Meghan.
KAYLA: Yeah. You’ve convinced me again. Initially, I was thinking of elevator-ing the Queen but you’re just very persuasive.
SARAH: Isn’t that what Mercury in retrograde told you was going to happen?
KAYLA: I just don’t believe what I read this week in astrology because it’s not matching up with my personal experience of how hellish this week has been? So, no. It’s your turn.
SARAH: Elevator, QPR, Kill. The concept of heteronormativity.
KAYLA: No, come on now.
SARAH: The concept of allonormativity, and the concept of amatonormativity. I’m going to tell you right now. I’m going to QPR the concept of heteronormativity and make it do all the housework.
KAYLA: Here’s my question about this awful thing you brought to me. Am I trying to, what’s it called, personify, pretend if I were to take the concept of heteronormativity, what would that look like in person?
SARAH: If you would like.
KAYLA: What are they again?
SARAH: Heteronormativity, allonormativity, amatonormativity. And as a reminder to our fine, fine listeners, allonormativity is that you’re expected to have some sort of romantic attraction. Amatonormativity is the idea that it is better to be—hold on let me open my—
KAYLA: It is really hurting my brain to hold all three pieces of this information in my mind at once.
SARAH: I know, I know, give me a minute.
KAYLA: I was just about to tell you that this recording had been putting me in a better mood.
SARAH: Sorry.
KAYLA: And I want to take that thought back because now I’m not in a good mood anymore.
SARAH: I am so sorry. Amata.
KAYLA: A matador.
SARAH: Sifting through our fucking manuscripts.
KAYLA: Is that where you’re going.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It is where I was going to suggest you go.
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SARAH: Okay. It is from Professor Elizabeth Brake, “the widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive romantic long term coupled relationship and that everyone is seeking such relationships.” So, allonormativity is saying that everyone experiences romantic attraction. Amatonormativity is saying everyone is better off being in a monogamous coupled long term relationship and everyone wants that.
KAYLA: And then heteronormativity is that everyone is straight.
SARAH: I’m going to QPR heteronormativity and make it do all the housework and say how do you feel now, bitch?
KAYLA: Okay. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to kill amatonormativity because it would be hypocritical to QPR it because it’s giving it what it wants.
SARAH: That’s a good point.
KAYLA: And I don’t want to give it what it wants.
SARAH: Can I tell you what I’m going to do?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: I’m going to kill allonormativity because I think it’s more pervasive. I think amatonormativity is also pervasive but we’re moving away from it a little bit. I think socially we are slow learning that that’s not the way it has to be. Allonormativity is still very very much ingrained and as an aro person I’m like fuck that. I’m going to kill allonormativity and elevator amanormativity and be like why? What’s in your brain, amanonormativity?
KAYLA: I’m going to QPR allonormativity to prove to it that this is a platonic situation we are in and that it is still great and not romantic. I’m going to elevator heteronormativity and spend two hours yelling at it. And I am going to murder amanonormativity because I don’t want to give it what it wants.
SARAH: Yeah I guess with my saying that I was going to marry heteronormativity it was really just to piss it off with the housework and I guess I’m not thinking about that impact on my mental health as the marriage goes on.
KAYLA: There are people who marry people they do not like or QPR people they do not like. Just to like use them. You have to have the correct mindset when you are going in. This is not a relationship of happiness. It is of vengeance.
SARAH: You are not my husband. You are my maid.
KAYLA: And you know, that’s okay.
SARAH: Excellent. Okay what’s next?
KAYLA: Okay next, I have the first two. John Mulaney, Bo Burnham, but I need a third one. Who’s another soft, gentle white man?
SARAH: I think no matter who it is we’re going to kill them and I think we both know that.
KAYLA: Yeah but if I pick someone good enough it’ll make it harder to kill them. Who’s another gentle white man?
SARAH: Hi this is Sarah from the future, Andy Samberg, we should have done Andy Samberg and I know it and I’m sorry that we didn’t. This is my sincere, sincere apology for that oversight. Again, my apologies. I don’t know why my brain was like Paul Rudd.
KAYLA: He is.
SARAH: He’s not really the same category.
KAYLA: I saw a tweet today that was like, “the return of John Mulaney and Bo Burnham is really a win for gentle white men” so I’m trying to think of another gentle white man in comedy, or not, the white really does not need to be necessary. Just a gentle comedic man.
SARAH: Just a gentle man. We could do Jaboukie. I don’t know how gentle he is.
KAYLA: I don’t know who that is.
SARAH: Well that’s your problem.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: He’s famously Italian.
KAYLA: Okay I don’t know who that it is. That’s the problem, I don’t like most male comedians because they are annoying.
SARAH: I think let’s just kill all of the—
KAYLA: Everyone else.
SARAH: Yeah everyone else. I think I’m going to marry Mulaney and elevator Bo. I think I really like Bo but because he has intentionally shielded himself in recent years from social media and stuff I don’t have as good a grasp on what he’s like.
KAYLA: I feel like that’s not true because in his comedy specials, he’s very clear about what he’s like. In his comedy, he’s a lot more vulnerable than John Mulaney is.
(35:00)
SARAH: He is, he is but I think he’s clear in being I have a stage persona and I have an offstage persona and you don’t know the offstage persona. You don’t know what I’m like when I’m not onstage and that’s kind of the whole point of what he’s saying and so I think I would need to get to know him better before making a commitment to marriage or QPR. You know what I mean?
KAYLA: Yeah the thing about that though is that I think I would still QPR Bo Burnham because I relate to him more, he’s closer to my age and also John Mulaney’s already married.
SARAH: Have you considered that John Mulaney comes with a dog named Petunia?
KAYLA: I have but I’m not confident that it will come with a dog named Petunia because John Mulaney’s wife might take Petunia.
SARAH: Yeah that’s a good point.
KAYLA: What if his wife comes with him and it’s a polyamorous QPR?
SARAH: That’s fine, she seems cool.
KAYLA: That would be fun. She's an artist.
SARAH: I mean, Bo Burnham has a girlfriend too they’ve been together a really long time.
KAYLA: Are you sure that they are together still?
SARAH: Last I checked, I don’t know. It’s not like he posts things on the internet. Yeah no, kill everyone else.
KAYLA: Just everyone.
SARAH: Everyone. I think, you do make some good points about marrying Bo but your points about also getting John Mulaney’s wife and dog is really only helping the case.
KAYLA: That’s- yeah.
SARAH: So. Okay.
KAYLA: He is dating someone. She looks like, her face looks exactly like Tina Fey.
SARAH: Bo, oh my god.
KAYLA: She is a tiny Tina Fey. Have you seen this woman? The first picture that comes up—
SARAH: Oh she’s so little.
KAYLA: Okay see this picture of her in this flower dress, look at her face, that is Tina Fey’s face.
SARAH: Hmm, kind of.
KAYLA: I’m sorry but it is.
SARAH: She looks so little next to him, which I know he’s very tall.
KAYLA: She does look very little.
SARAH: Anyway, my next one. I wanted to say Pfizer, Moderna and J&J but I don’t want to kill any of those.
KAYLA: Sarah why don’t you pick people like a normal person?
SARAH: Cause I can’t think of people. I will say though I did technically already marry Moderna because we have a lifelong bond and I can’t get rid of it.
KAYLA: No yeah that’s true.
SARAH: So yeah. I also don’t want to kill AstraZeneca. That’s also don’t really want to do that. How about my next one, they’re actually people. This group of people kept coming to me and I wasn’t going to do it but it just came coming to me so I had to write it down. We have Zendaya, Tom Hollan and Jacob Batalon and Jacob Batalon is the guy who plays the best friend in Spiderman. They’re a fun combo.
KAYLA: I think this is very easy for me. I would QPR Zendaya. Elevator Tom Holland. And kill this other man because I don’t know him.
SARAH: Poor Jacob. He seems great. I just don’t know him as well as I know Zendaya and Tom Holland. I think I would do the same. I really like Tom Holland, but Zendaya.
KAYLA: But he’s not Zendaya is the thing.
SARAH: In another Fuck, Marry, Kill situation I might choose to marry him but against Zendaya, there’s no chance.
KAYLA: Okay here’s one. Chipotle, Panda Express, and—
SARAH: What happened to doing people?
KAYLA: Well if you weren’t going to do it, I’m not going to do it.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay. Chipotle, Panda Express.
SARAH: Panera?
KAYLA: Panera, that’s a good one
SARAH: I’m QPR-ing Chip-tole. I just eat it the most out of all of those. I’m sorry to Panda but you have to die. I didn’t start eating Panda until a year ago. So it’s not a huge thing for me so I guess we’re going to elevator Panera. I live, I’ve mentioned this before, the closest Panera to me is 20 minutes away which is astounding given that I live in a fucking city but it’s just I haven’t eaten much Panera recently because it’s fucking 20 minutes away.
(40:00)
KAYLA: I don’t even know if Panera exists down here. I have not seen a Panera.
SARAH: I think it does. I think Panera is international.
KAYLA: I’ve not seen one. See you say that but I have not seen one.
SARAH: Do you want to know a fun fact that I learned? Big Boy, the franchise, it’s an American—it’s a Michigan-based—most of the Big Boys are in Michigan, but it was founded—
KAYLA: Most of the people listening to this have no idea what we’re talking about.
SARAH: It was founded in Glendale, California. It was founded in LA but the headquarters are in Michigan. There are a couple Bobs Big Boys out in LA. Most of the Big Moys are in Michigan. There are some in Ohio and then there’s one in North Dakota. There used to be more in Indiana and Kentucky prior to the recession but things fell apart.
KAYLA: Have you ever been to a Fazoli’s?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I love Fazoli’s.
SARAH: Congrats. So there are now 75 roughly, 75, Big Boys in the United States. Would you like to take a guess as to how many Big Boys there are in Japan?
KAYLA: Oh. 200.
SARAH: 275.
KAYLA: Why! Japan is so much smaller than the United States.
SARAH: Listen, me and my roommate Kyla somehow got into this the other day. We were losing our goddamn minds sitting there on Wikipedia.
KAYLA: Is this a similar thing to how KFC is really big in Japan?
SARAH: I don’t think it’s quite as big as KFC. It’s just that there’s just fucking a lot of them. It sounded like the menu’s not exactly the same, it doesn’t have all of the super American burger stuff but it’s still Big Boy. The fucking logo’s the same.
KAYLA: I tried taking Dean to the local Big Boy from my hometown and what I forgot when I took him there is that Big Boy is not actually good. It is just something I’ve grown up with.
SARAH: It’s just fine.
KAYLA: So he did not like it.
SARAH: I’m sorry. Anyway, where were we? Sorry I derailed us with Big Boy.
KAYLA: You did. For Chipotle, Panera, Panda Express, I am going to QPR Chipotle obviously and I am going to kill Panera.
SARAH: Mm hmm mmkay.
KAYLA: I just don’t eat it that much.
SARAH: They have such good Caesar Salad though. You know who else has good Caesar Salads? The pizza place I go to.
KAYLA: I have been craving a good salad recently and I tried to go to one of those salad station places that are like build your own salads—
SARAH: In a panorama?
KAYLA: Okay first of all, it was very weird in a panorama because it was self-serve and no one else was there and you had to wear a glove to serve yourself and use the tongs, what are these gloves actually doing? I was vaccinated when this happened so it was a little bit better but it was very bizarre.
SARAH: I’m getting my second dose next week.
KAYLA: That’s very exciting.
SARAH: Okay. That’s fair. As long as we both agree we’re QPR-ing Chip-tole.
KAYLA: I mean obviously.
SARAH: Chippy-tae. Aristot-le. Anyway. Sorry Padya. Just a note to our transcriber there. Is it my turn? Yes it is. This is my last one I have written down. Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada, and the American President Joe Biden.
KAYLA: Hmm.
SARAH: I know what I’m going to do, would you like me to go first?
KAYLA: No because you sway me too much, and I want to give my opinion first and then be swayed. I’m going to elevator Joe Biden, feel like I have some things to say to him. I’m going to QPR Angela for citizenship.
SARAH: You don’t want Canadian citizenship?
KAYLA: Ohh. Okay I changed my mind. But Trudeau’s kind of annoying.
SARAH: He did blackface that one time.
KAYLA: He’s just kind of annoying.
SARAH: But he’s nice looking.
KAYLA: No I’m still going to marry Angela Merkel.
(45:00)
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And I’m going to kill Justin Trudeau.
SARAH: Now, I think this is—I’m also going to QPR Angela Merkel I think it would be a good chance to practice my German.
KAYLA: The perfect reason to get in a relationship.
SARAH: Yeah. I would like to say first to the FBI and Secret Service, this is a joke, I am not making a threat on the life of the President. I would not actually kill him however I think I’m going to kill Biden and the reason I’m doing that is because he’s old, he’s lived a long life, he’s had his ups and downs but he’s had a long prosperous life. Also, under Kamala, I would rather have Kamala than Joe to be honest.
KAYLA: That’s true. That is what I consider would happen if you killed Joe Biden that’s true.
SARAH: Kamala was definitely not my first choice in the primaries but I would prefer her over Joe on the whole. I think it would be okay if I killed Biden and I guess I will just elevator Justin Trudeau and look at his face and be like why the fuck did you do blackface that one time and also how good is your French actually?
KAYLA: The hard-hitting questions.
SARAH: Yeah, that’s all. Again, to the FBI and the Secret Service this is not a threat on the President’s life.
KAYLA: Who we know are listening.
SARAH: Who we know are listening. My FBI agent Susan, please. I am not going to kill the President. I don’t wish harm upon him.
KAYLA: We should have Susan on the pod.
SARAH: We should have Susan on the pod. Good. That was my last one do you have one more?
KAYLA: No I think that’s a good place to end it.
SARAH: Okay we are just going to stop there. Great. What’s our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Umm okay.
SARAH: We could do like who would be the worst to have to QPR or the worst to have to elevator?
KAYLA: I think it would be better to do who would you most like to elevator or most like to QPR?
SARAH: I think let’s do elevator, I think that’s interesting.
KAYLA: Who would you rather be stuck in an elevator with for 2 hours?
SARAH: Are we picking good ones or bad ones where they have to pick from bad options? I think Guy Fieri has to be an option no matter what direction we take it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I don’t know how to spell his last name though.
SARAH: F-i-e-r-i. Guy Fieri. Should we put Elon and Jeff as options?
KAYLA: The thing is though it’s an easy obvious choice to choose Guy Fieri if we choose such bad options as Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos.
SARAH: I don’t know, I agree that Elon Musk would be really fucking interesting to talk to.
KAYLA: That’s true. I think we put Elon Musk, not Jeff Beezbos though. Who else is interesting?
SARAH: You’re not going to try and convince him to pay his employees more?
KAYLA: Not the Queen?
SARAH: The Queen? I was going to say no that wouldn’t make it fair. We could just do a three option poll. Let’s do that.
KAYLA: Well, there you have it.
SARAH: Excellent. Okay. I did try and choose people who our international listeners would recognize. We could have gone super deep into random American shit but we tried not to so I hope this was very entertaining for those of you who don’t know the difference between Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse.
KAYLA: Yeah that’s a little bit more a deep cut into American television.
SARAH: Well we didn’t end up doing Bobby Flay or Emeril Lagasse so that’s fine.
KAYLA: But the Barefoot Contessa I don’t know how international the Barefoot Contessa is.
SARAH: Her name is In a Garden. She’s In a Garden.
KAYLA: I thought it was... Really?
SARAH: It’s Garten. It’s German. Anyway. Okay. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week? I’ll go. My beef is imagine being so controlled by allonormative Big Brother that when someone says attraction without a modifier you automatically assume they must be romantic attraction and that can’t possibly refer to something like sexual attraction. Imagine being so much under the thumb of allonormative Big Brother that you just can’t fathom that attraction could mean sexual attraction.
KAYLA: Hmm I wonder what you’re talking about.
SARAH: I wonder. My other beef is that I got called for jury duty.
KAYLA: You did?
SARAH: Did I not tell you?
KAYLA: I am so jealous.
SARAH: I have to go.
KAYLA: I cannot believe you didn’t tell me this when you know full well that I would love to serve on jury duty.
SARAH: I’m so sorry I found out last week. I’m so sorry I overlooked this.
KAYLA: Sarah, we’re not friends anymore.
SARAH: I’m so sorry. I got called for jury duty and I’m not pleased.
KAYLA: I have never been so jealous in my life.
SARAH: My juice is I never came up with a juice. I wrote the word ‘juice’ and then there is an empty bullet point.
KAYLA: That just shows you where we are.
SARAH: My juice is I like cherry coke. I think it’s good and it stands up every time.
KAYLA: For context on Sarah’s beef. I posted a video on our Instagram that has gotten a lot of views and a lot of people fighting in the comments.
SARAH: You posted it on TikTok and on Twitter. Both of them were fine. Instagram is where people went off. My roommate Kyla has been checking the comments every day just as entertainment.
KAYLA: TikTok, people are being very nice, Instagram, people are really having some strong fights I would not recommend going there if you don’t want to see some aphobic obnoxious shit. I’ve been deleting some—
SARAH: A bunch of people were like aromantic because you said attraction and you didn’t specify sexual attraction as if attraction is only for romantic attraction and not for sexual attraction? Blows my fucking mind. Anyway.
KAYLA: There have been some really unsavory comments that I’ve deleted and blocked cause no one needs to see that. But, tread carefully if you want to look at that. Or you can just look at the video and not read the comments. One of my beeves is that and I keep getting fucking notifications on my phone.
SARAH: Every time I get a notification that someone has commented on that video, I lose a year of my life.
KAYLA: The nice thing is that we’ve been getting a lot of Instagram followers so if any of you are listening that came from that, hello!
SARAH: And my roommate was like, why are there more people commenting on it now, a week after it was posted and I was like it’s getting those comments, those engagements in the comments and it’s showing up on people’s explore pages.
KAYLA: That’s the thing is that the more people comment. It has a lot of views.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Which is so annoying cause I’ve made better videos. That was not a good video. I’ve made better. Anyway. My other beef is politics but not government politics. Workplace politics.
SARAH: Just the other one.
KAYLA: The other one. That’s not something you get taught in school is how to politic with your coworkers and deal with power dynamics at work and I’ve been having to deal with that more now that I’m in a more structured company than I used to be. It’s really difficult and I just don’t have tolerance for that kind of thing. So my boss has been getting a lot of my thoughts and luckily he’s incredibly chill and doesn’t think—well he might think I’m terrible—but I don’t get in trouble for telling him when I’m annoyed with things but he has been hearing a lot of my thoughts.
SARAH: We’re very different people.
KAYLA: Yes. I don’t think I did my juice.
SARAH: Oh yes, what’s your juice? I didn’t have any juice so I simply assumed you also didn’t.
KAYLA: Well Sarah we’re different as we’ve just said.
SARAH: You’re right, I’m sorry.
KAYLA: My juice is I recently got my haircut and it’s the first time I’ve gotten my hair cut by a curly hair professional and it was a very interactive haircut. I had to keep standing up and flipping my head over—
SARAH: It’s like Catholic church.
KAYLA: It really was.
SARAH: As we all know, you flip your hair upside down a lot in Catholic church.
KAYLA: It’s all you do. Yeah I’m very excited about how my hair looks. I haven’t washed it yet since I went so we’ll see if I can still make it look good on my own. I don’t think I’ll be able to.
SARAH: Everyone go like Kayla’s selfie.
KAYLA: Yeah I posted selfies and kept telling Sarah how pretty I was so she retweeted my selfies.
SARAH: So I retweeted them from the pod Twitter and I would—I considered being a little bit more clear that no this is not Kayla gassing herself up but then I was like, that makes it more suspicious if I clarify too much that it’s not Kayla retweeting her own selfies.
KAYLA: Yeah I think just the fact that you retweeted implied that it was not me, I hope.
SARAH: Yeah but you never know. One time I did retweet my own tweets from the pod Twitter although I was open about the fact that I had done it.
KAYLA: You also probably asked me cause you usually ask me before you tweet anything.
SARAH: I do, I just get permission from Kayla to tweet because I do it so rarely. But I simply—I tweeted a lot recently though to be honest.
KAYLA: That’s true.
SARAH: Yeah. Anyway Kayla’s hair is nice. You can answer our poll, tell us your beef, your juice, your hair, your relationship with Angela Merkel on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon - patreon.com/soundsfakepod. I know I mentioned last week that we were going to make another change this week but we simply, a lot happened and we did not ask the patrons on Patreon so that change will go into effect next episode so this episode will be the same as it was last week. Patrons, there will be another post coming your way. Mostly just affects $10 patrons so if you’re not a $10 patron, don’t worry about it. We have a new $2 Patron, it is crazylikeafox11. Like 11 foxes?
KAYLA: That’s pretty crazy. 11 foxes is pretty crazy.
SARAH: Yeah I don’t know. Our $5 patrons that we’re highlighting this week are Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea and Ria Faustino. Our $10 patrons are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote me playing D&D, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, I’m so sorry I killed Christopher of Christopher’s Haven Aunt Jeannie I’m so sorry, Cass who would like to promote the best of luck on the journey of self-identification, Doug Rice who would like to promote “Church Too,” by Emily Joy, H. Valdis who gave us something to promote, H. Valdis wants to promote keeping your space clean just jot that down folks, Purple Chickadee, who would like to promote using they as a gender neutral singular pronoun, Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote Reclaim the Night, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to promote Thought Slime, Mattie who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow of heteronormativity, Aaron like to promote free forehead kisses, Khadir who would like to promote cats named Gnocchi Feta Fettuccine, Potater who would like to promote potatoes, ChangelingMX who would like to promote starshipchangeling.net, Sarah Kujawa who would like to promote her dogs’ Instagram @aviatthehusky, David Jay who would like to promote “Emergent Strategy” by Adrienne Maree Brown, The Stubby Tech who would like to promote checking patreon to make sure you're actually supporting the podcasts you think you are, Simona Sajmon who bumped up who would like to promote QYS magazine, which is a Slovak magazine for queer people, and Rosie Costello my beautiful niece and I love her so everyone go follow her on Instagram @rosietheredgolden. Anyway, she would like to promote sticks, preferably long sticks. Thank you Rosie for becoming a patron. I know you’re unemployed so I’m not sure where you’re getting the money from but I do appreciate your patronage. She’s also getting fixed today so everyone please pray for Rosie. Also you know what my other beef is? Sadie has—what she have?
KAYLA: She has panc—she’s your dog.
SARAH: She has pancreatitis. Which is sad.
KAYLA: Sadie is Sarah’s—
SARAH: My childhood dog, she’s doing okay. Just Sadie, why’d you do that? Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote free mom hugs and your dog not getting pancreatitis especially when you’re up north and the dog is staying with your parents, if I was promoting it I would say grandparents but we gotta be clear here. Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One is, Leila, who would like to promote love is love also applying to aro people, Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth, Dia Chappell who would like to promote twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Sherronda J Brown, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote Lewis University’s Writing Center @writingcenterlu, Andrew Hillum would like to promote their loved ones getting vaccinations, and Dragonfly who would like to promote this still is taking a week off. And our $20 patron Sarah T who would like to promote long walks outside. Thanks for listening, tune in not next Sunday but the following Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then take good care of your cows.