Submissions from Sounds Fake But Okay’s Ace Week Livestream Celebration
Resources & Shoutouts
Lari: The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project runs Pride Chats on the last weekend of every month on a range of issues relevant to a-spec people. If anyone’s interested, check out their webpage to get an invite to the Discord server! https://taaap.org.
SarahSupaStar: I want to give a shoutout/recommendation to the Tumblr blog aspecpplarebeautiful.tumblr.com – They are such a wonderful source of positivity and acceptance. Most of what they post is answering asks, so it’s a great resource for people who have specific questions about asexuality/aromanticism or who are looking for advice. Also wanna recommend “Loveless” by Alice Oseman (which I know you already featured on the pod – I loved that episode) and “The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy” by Mackenzi Lee. Both are really great books with spectacular asexual representation. (“Lady’s Guide” doesn’t include the term asexual, because it’s set before the term was in use, but the book thoroughly explores the protagonist’s disinterest in sex & romance.)
Ace Owl: I’ve been working on research into aphobia! The website is a WIP but it should be ready to go by ace week! https://asexualresearchstudies.carrd.co/
Drew: I would like to give a shout out to Elle Rose, @scretladyspider, for being a brilliant and passionate activist and advocate, a great writer and a really good friend. They deserve so much credit for juggling everything they do and still being there for others AND producing amazing content. Just wanted them to know that their efforts are seen and appreciated, and to say THANK YOU Elle.
Destiny DiMattei: Shout out to Swank IV! She’s an amazing asexual Youtuber who has had me on her channel! Check her out! I also shout out The braiding body shame online conference which I will be featured in it in January 2021. If any of you struggle with body shame this conference is great for you. If any of you have more than one marginalized identities I just want to let you know that you are seen and heard. As a fat, disabled asexual I have struggled because at first I didn’t want to speak because I didn’t want to take away from any individual struggle but all of their struggles are valid.
Hallie: A great resource that has given me more hope and reflection of my ace and aromatic self is AZE (azejournal.com) created by Michael Paramo, a collection of self-expression, art, poetry, writings: a catharsis of acceptance.
My favorites include "Summer Camp" by S.J. Waring // https://azejournal.com/article/2018/4/1/sj-waring-summer-camp
"Touch" by R
and "When the Absence of Tangibility Makes Love Like That™ Unattainable" by Adri Tiesinga
Advice
SarahSupaStar: Some aspec advice I’d like to share (which I got from the aspecpplarebeautiful Tumblr) is that aspec identities are for anyone who finds them useful to describe their experiences. Don’t worry about being ace or aro “enough” to identify as aspec. If aspec labels are useful to you, then they are yours to claim. And if someday they stop being useful to you, that’s okay too; you can still use them now, even if you’re not 100% certain you won’t change your mind later.
Ava: I can say with confidence after nearly 7 years of identifying as asexual that worrying about whether you’re “ace enough” will just bog you down. Just let yourself love and be loved however you feel comfortable doing so! Platonic and queerplatonic relationships can be just as fulfilling as romantic or sexual ones, as long as you’re with people you love.
Maradove: You aren't broken. I know this is something that other people have probably said, but I've had to keep repeating to myself since I realized I was ace 3 years ago, so I want to tell as many people as I can because it sucks to feel broken and like you're missing out.
Chaotic.ace.energy: My advice is it’s never too late to explore ace/aro spectrum identities and learn new things about yourself. If it feels good to you, own it! You are valid and worthy of love (whatever you want love to look like in your life) as you are.
Growing up, I always knew I experienced relationships differently from my friends but didn’t have language to describe it. I didn’t learn about asexuality until I was in my mid-20s (it probably came up in some late-night existential googling). I thought, “huh, this is probably about me” and promptly put it to the back of my mind for a couple of years. Then I bought Julie Sondra Decker’s book “The Invisible Orientation” and finally read it during quarantine, and things started to click into place. I’m 29 and it’s been so empowering to finally acknowledge and embrace this part of myself.
Kelly: Surround yourself with positive ace media. It will help you through your lonely times and remind you that you are normal and you are not alone. This pod is a great choice :) You don’t need to come out to everyone. Tell the important people; the people you know will understand; no one else needs to know. It’s not shameful or wrong to keep this from people. You’re not hiding or ashamed - it’s important to take care of yourself and your mental health and emotional wellbeing. Plus there are many people who simply aren’t ready to hear it. As much as it would be amazing to be a public advocate for asexuality, it’s not mandatory. It’s okay if you don’t want to. Start with just your small circle of loved ones.
Questions
Katie: Is it ok for me to identify as aromantic if I desire/would like to be in a relationship in the future?
I’ve never been in a relationship before. How can I be sure I am aro/ace and not demi/grey/something else romantic?
What are your tips for someone who is questioning if they are ace/aro?
Alex C.: Hello! I know that a common way to dismiss asexuality is claiming that it must be a result of trauma/abuse. As a self-identifying asexual as well as a survivor of trauma, I’m curious: are there any aces out there who are in the same boat? How do you separate your asexuality from symptoms of trauma? Lastly, does anyone know of any resources that discuss this issue more in-depth? Heavy questions, I know, but I imagine a lot of people probably struggle with making that distinction. Anyway, thanks so much!
SarahSupaStar: A question I have for you/community: As an aroace, I sometimes worry that all the people I love will eventually pair off into relationships and I’ll wind up always coming second to the most important people in my life. Do you ever feel this way, and if so, how do you manage it?
And a question that’s more for the community, since I don’t think either of you have personal experience with this: How do people wind up in QPRs? Do people seek them out, or is it just something that happens organically?
Reign: Only really came to terms with my asexuality this year. I’ve been hearing about cake and I love it and I love baking cake for people. But I don’t completely understand the cake thing though, what does it mean??
Charlie: I’m definitely ace and I’ve thought I was aro for almost a year. However, recently I’ve been wondering if I am romantically in love with my best friend. How could I tell that? What even is the difference between platonic and romantic attraction if you’re closer than Kayla and Sarah are?
Maradove: How do you know if you want a relationship (of any kind platonic, romantic, whatever) and that's not just the heteronormality and the amanormativity talking?
Pip: Do you guys ever feel weird coming out as aspec/making a big deal about your sexuality, when it is feels like such a *private* thing?
Also - what positions did you guys play in Quidditch? I was a chaser and I miss it so much!
Kelly: I’ve heard about people coming out to their parents and having their mom realize that their ace too and now me and my brother are both (likely) ace. Do you think there is a genetic component? I know.... a very tricky question and a part of me hopes the answer is no. I don’t want anyone to try to fix us. There’s nothing wrong with us. But I can’t help having the curiosity.
SOUP: Aspecs need their own festive holiday. We need traditions! I ask you: what holiday food/decorations/traditions would go well with Aspec Day, nestled right inside of Asexual Awareness Week?
Destiny DiMattei: How can I tell if I am experiencing romantic attraction in comparison to an extremely close friendship?
Anon: Hey,
I've only recently started identifying as aroace.
How did you get over the strange, imposter-like feeling of wanting to join and connect with local aro/ace groups but feeling like you don't belong because you don't know everything, aren't out yet or aren't completely comfortable with your labels yet?
(the groups are probably amazing I'm just super nervous about joining them!!)
Sarah R.: Do you think Michael from The Good Place on the ace spectrum? I tend to head-cannon him as such for the following reasons: 1) We never see him romantically tied to anyone nor does he show any interest in relationships (just focused on work and the squad). 2) When he's talking about Eleanor and Chidi in ep 209 he says "Gross. Kissing is gross. You're just mashing your food holes together. IT'S NOT FOR THAT."
Messages
Kay: You are enough, you will always be enough. Even if mom and dad don’t know, you know and that’s enough, because you are enough. You’re aces, kid.
Reign: Dear Future Self. May you have the courage to come out to your friends, no rush, just hope you have given it a bit of thought. Also ideally bake them a cake to go with it??
Anon: Dear Past Self,
I know you want to prove to your friends that you are "cool." That you aren't just a good girl. You feel like they see you as childish for not drinking or dating. For going to bed early and studying a lot. For calling your parents and getting good grades.
You really want to tell them you got a tattoo just because you want to seem "cool" and not just a good girl. You don't really want them to know though. It's something private you did for yourself.
I'm your future self and I lived through the reality where you told them just for validation. Don't do it. It wasn't worth it. They aren't trustable. They unhooked your bra to show other people at a party. Even when you told them they were the only people you told.
And you don't know it yet. But you're also ace. Another thing that you might think falls into the "good girl" category. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with fitting people's expectations of an Asian girl. You are allowed to be "good," whatever the hell that means.
And I love you. I love you so much. I accept you. Know that I will always love you.
Love,
Your Future Self
Ace realization stories
Gabby: I wanted to share my story of how I came to the realization that I was ace. So I always knew I wasn’t straight and questioned for so long. I dated a couple people and honestly thought romantic feelings were fake and everyone just hyped them up so much. however, when I found the term asexual and aromantic it was so nice to have a label to fit my feelings. I really fell into the community (with the help of the pod and discord) that helped me learn so much and just relate to so many people and know that there are others out there like me. So I just wanna say to other aroaces or anyone on the spectrum out there that it’s okay to take your time (I sure have) and that there are other people out there that share your feelings. So yeah happy ace week!! And thanks for doing the pod it has been so helpful and such a joy to listen to :)
SarahSupaStar: The story of figuring out I was aroace is way longer and more complicated than I feel like it has any right to be. Sometimes I hear people say that as soon as they heard the term asexual it just clicked and they knew that was them, but that was not the case for me. I first saw the term asexual when it was briefly mentioned in my AP Psychology textbook. And it caught my attention, but the definition was way too narrow (a person who does not experience any sexual desire or arousal), so I decided it didn’t quite apply to me and put it out of my mind. (Which is why accurate, inclusive definitions are *important*!) At one point in high school, a boy asked me out and I said yes, because I liked the idea of having a boyfriend and didn’t realize that was different than wanting to date *him*. But then as soon as we were “dating” I became super uncomfortable with any kind of physical affection and almost immediately started thinking about how we’d inevitably break up. I used to wonder whether I might be gay, because everyone talks about starting to “notice” boys/girls when they went through puberty, and I felt like I noticed girls just as much as I noticed boys. (I believe this is a fairly common experience for baby aces.) I also spent some time feeling like I was broken, because I wasn’t feeling what society told me I should be feeling (which is definitely a common experience for baby aces). I got re-introduced to asexuality through Tumblr and fanfiction, and I really related to it, but I still didn’t feel like it *quite* described me. Retrospectively, I know that this was partly because I didn’t *want* it to describe me. I grew up assuming that someday I’d fall in love and get married, and I really didn’t want to let go of that. Additionally, I’ve always had celebrity crushes, and for a long time I thought that disqualified me from being ace, even though I had never been attracted to anyone I’d actually met. (I later learned that there’s an aspec microlabel for this called autochorissexual or aegosexual.) One thing that was really helpful for me in figuring out that what I thought of as crushes wasn’t the same as the attraction that other (allo) people experience was a chart I saw once, which defined 6 different kinds of attraction, with Sexual Attraction, Romantic Attraction, and Crushes in the top row, and Squishes, Sensual Attraction, and Aesthetic Attraction in the bottom row. The chart’s definitions specified that these were desires directed at a *specific other person*, and I realized that I had only ever experienced that for the things in the bottom row. Even after I had all the relevant information, I spent a few years questioning and simply identifying as “not straight” before I fully embraced my aroace identity. And I embraced being ace long before I embraced being aro, because I didn’t want to let go of the idea of maybe falling in love someday. But since then I have been so much happier and more content with myself and confident in my experiences. Plus, embracing my ace-ness has led me to some really great experiences. Like attending Pride, and going to a local ace meetup, and reading Loveless, and listening to Sounds Fake But Okay. :)
Oli (they/she): Hi! I wanted to submit something first to say that I love you guys and love the podcast so so much. It's really funny, and since I don't have any ace friends it's nice to listen to and remember I'm not the only one. The other thing I want to say is my story of coming to terms with my identity. Basically, I knew my identity in middle school. I knew then I was asexual and somewhere on the arospec and biromantic. I also knew that I was nonbinary. But when I went into high school, I just repressed all of it except for the bi part. In high school I decided, no, I was wrong. In high school I thought I was just a bisexual girl. My senior year I was in a relationship with a girl and I did some stuff that I wasn't always comfortable with deep down but on the surface I thought "eh, it's fine" (not doing the nasty just making out and whatever allos do). When quarantine started, me and my ex broke up, and very quickly after that I realized that I am asexual like I originally thought, and I'm also arospec. I decided that the label that best fits me is both grayromantic and demiromantic. I also think Aroflux could fit me but I think i've gathered enough labels for one person. I'm a freshman in college now and I think it's funny how I was right about myself in middle school. That's basically it I guess. I love you guys and I love the whole aroace community <3
Jodie: I came across the doughnut analogy for sexualities while browsing tumblr one day and was curious about asexuality, so I did some reading. By the end, I was crying with relief due to finding a name and label for my experiences, realizing that I'm not broken or unusual for rarely experiencing sexual attraction and wanting to do anything else but engage in that sort of activity. I was 26.
Ginny (we/they): We always were pretty sure about who we are and we accepted ourself, but if not for our chosen family we probably wouldn't even think that who we are can be an aroace person. We wouldn't know those words for much longer. But they showed us those words so we could explore and find ourself in them. It took us some time, but when we came out we knew our friends wouldn't stop accepting us. We sometimes wonder how much not a big deal coming out as aromantic and then later as an asexual person was for us. Maybe it still would be not a big deal even if we were in a different situation once we figured it out, but we are grateful to have found in our life people who would treat this part of us as something normal.
Anon: In fifth grade, there was a girl that made me think I could be gay. When I look back on it, I knew I didn't like boys so I seized on the idea that I must be gay, because I had no idea about aspec identities. I came out to a couple friends, but I had no one to really talk about anything with. Towards the end of seventh grade, I started questioning again. I mainly thought I was aro but not ace, but I bounced between that and thinking I was ace but not aro, because the idea of being both terrified me. That summer I went back to the sleep away camp I've gone to for years. One of my counselors started a queer club, and one of my friends I was out to convinced me to go. I had finally found queer community, but I felt that I didn't really belong because by then I was considering the idea I could be aroace. I'm working on destroying that idea that I'm not queer enough, because I personally identify so strongly with being queer. About a week after I left camp I had that moment when I realized I was probably aroace. I'm in ninth grade now, and I'm not out to my parents, but I have a ton of amazing queer friends. I recently accepted the fact that I'm ace, thanks to this advice from one of my friends: you don't have to figure out who you are for forever, just who you are right now. You can come out as what you know to be true today, and as something else tomorrow. And you asked for shout outs so: I want to shout out Sarah, for being the first real human aroace person I ever heard of, and how much that helped me come to terms with my identity. I recently joined the discord, and would recommend, it's great :)
Kelly: I did not have an epiphany moment like many people did. I found out I was ace around the age of 24 (I’m 28 now) because an acquaintance posted about different sexualities on Facebook. It had demisexual on it and I had never heard of it so I googled it and I was really struck by it. Someone actually asked me if I was asexual when I was 20 or 21 and I said I definitely wasn’t. At the time I reasoned that it was because I had romantic feelings for someone. I realize now that maybe I didn’t, still not sure, but I find it interesting that my first reaction to ace was “no” and my first reaction to demi was “hmmmm maybe?”. I think it’s because I wanted to fall in love. I’m aro too so that’s not in the cards for me but I’m okay with that now. I identified as Demi for at least several months until I finally accepted being asexual then it took me another year or so for the aro part. Up until this point, I didn’t think I knew any other ace people in person. However, I have suspected my little brother was somewhere on the spectrum for a while now and I finally had the opportunity to come out to him and his response was “I think I’m that too”. We are not very close and I don’t think he’s one to get involved in the community (it just doesn’t matter to him - he just does his thing) but it is nice to have this in common. It really brings home the idea that I’ve never been alone, even if it feels like it sometimes.
Byron (BakingByron): Before college I had never spent much time thinking about relationships or sex. I remember at one point considering guys and thinking to myself “Yeah I’m definitely not into other guys sexually, so that means I must be straight,” because if I’m not attracted to one gender then the only other option is that I must be attracted to the other one, right? (That’s sarcasm FYI. I had no idea asexuality was a thing, and didn’t have a grasp on the idea of there being more than two genders at the time). So there was one girl who really liked me back in early high school but I wasn’t really into her, so I ended up friendzoning her (Probably the first clue I was Ace). However, later I did have a couple crushes on other girls, one who I asked to homecoming and eventually prom. We “dated” for like a year and a half, and by “dated” I mean we hung out during school and saw each other outside of school like once every other month. She wasn’t really into romance and stuff, and we never even kissed, which I didn’t mind one bit (clue #2 - also in retrospect sometimes I wonder if she’s Ace too?). We eventually just drifted apart when she went to college.
When I started college, within the first week I met a nice girl who really wanted to get together with me, but I was so stressed and scared about starting school that I didn’t want the additional stress of trying to figure out how to date and stuff (or so I told myself), so I [figuratively] ran in the opposite direction (Clue #3). Later that year, once I had calmed down and learned college wasn’t that scary, I thought back to that encounter and realized that I still wouldn’t want to date her, or really anyone for that matter, despite not having an excuse to avoid it anymore. That’s when the word “asexual” popped into my head and I was like, “is that a real thing? Or just a word I made up?” So I typed the word into Google just to see if asexual was a real orientation, and saw that one of the definitions referred to a sexual orientation, so I closed my computer and thought “Cool. Maybe I’m that.” But I didn’t look any further into it and just kept it in the back of my head. But my story doesn’t end there. No, that would be too simple. After my first year of college I suffered from some severe anxiety issues, which I won’t go into detail about, but just know that one of the side effects of that anxiety was that I felt very alone and isolated and started to feel some pretty serious crushes again. But this time I had crushes on several people, including women and men. So suddenly I was like, cool, guess I’m bi. But in the course of fantasizing about my crushes, I tried to imagine what would happen if we were in a relationship. I enjoyed thinking about cuddling with them, but then the moment I pictured them taking off their shirt, I was like Eww, please put your clothes back on. And when I imagined them wanting to have sex with me (cause that’s what normal couples do, right? /s), I just couldn’t. I hated the idea of sex. So I spent the better part of a year being super confused and conflicted - how could I be so clearly attracted to people, but also so… not attracted to them, sexually? It made no sense - would I just have to suck it up and do something I hate if I ever wanted to be in a relationship, or would I somehow just learn to like sex eventually? (yeah now I know that’s not how that works). The summer after my second year my anxiety and, by and large, my crushes subsided, so I started to feel kind of Ace again. Thankfully this time, I actually decided to do some in depth research into what this “asexuality” thing is. I finally learned about the split attraction model, and right away it clicked. Everything made so much sense! I was always asexual, I had just been feeling romantic attraction! What a relief. Of course it still took time to work out my feelings and gain confidence in my orientation, but now I’m comfortable calling myself panromantic asexual.
Late that summer and before going back to college, I tried to come out to my parents by baking a cake in the colors of the asexual flag. I effed up the gray layer though, and was so upset at it that I decided against coming out just then. I think I just told my parents I liked the color scheme. Once back in college, I decided to order myself an Ace flag, which I had to order through my mom’s Amazon account because I don’t have my own. When she saw the notification, that’s how she learned I was Ace. I answered a few of her questions, but luckily she did some research on her own so I didn’t have to give her a Ted Talk. My roommate also learned I was Ace when the flag got delivered and I put it up in my room. I told my Dad by text like a week after national coming out day (I missed the actual day because I wasn’t on social media very often lol). I’m fortunate that everyone was very supportive - for instance my Dad’s reply was just “I love and support you” (he’s a man of few words). It wasn’t necessarily a surprise, because they were likewise supportive when my sister came out as bi several years earlier, but it was still a load off of my back. I also came out to one of my clubs because we were having a “member presentations” day where members could get up and talk about pretty much anything they wanted to for about 10 minutes. My presentation was about Asexuality, with some data I got from AVEN polls. I’ve slowly come out to other groups and individuals since then, and some people I haven’t formally come out to but I’m pretty confident they already know. But for the most part, I consider myself to be in a comfortable “walk-in” closet. I don’t mind coming out to people if it is somehow relevant to a conversation (such as when other queer folx are sharing their coming out stories or if someone were to ask about the various ace flags/stickers I own), but that doesn’t happen very often. It doesn’t help that asexuality has so little visibility, meaning few people walk into my open-door walk-in closet to discuss it with me. But who knows - a surprising number of people I knew back in high school ended up coming out as ace in the last couple years. Plus several times now in the process of coming out to groups of people I’ve been surprised by how often someone has come up to me or dm’d me after the fact to be like, “omg, I’m ace too!”. Heck, while manning the Ace booth at Minneapolis Pride (pre-COVID) I saw an old friend, who I never suspected of being Ace, walking around wearing a giant ace flag as a cape!
Katie: I’ve never really had a crush or wanted to be in a relationship with a specific person before. The idea of it sounds cool but it’s never been something I’ve been interested in. I had a male friend in year 9 who used to hang out with my friend group and we would chat/play computer games together at lunch. I kind of got the vibe that he liked me (and I tried to ‘make up’/thought I might have had a crush on him?) but I didn’t think about it too much for myself. He messaged me online, the day before Valentine’s Day, asking me “what I would say if someone asked me out?” And I freaked out and replied with ‘I don’t know’. When he responded asking what I meant, I blanked out and ghosted him. I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling-I really liked him as a friend but didn’t want anything more and didn’t know why. Afterwards things got incredibly awkward, he stopped hanging out with our group and we almost never talked. I felt terrible because I just wanted to be friends and we weren’t even that anymore.
In between then and uni, I had a few ‘made up’ crushes on boys that I thought liked me. I guess that was what I thought I was meant to do (looking back on it now they were all either squishes or friends). It didn’t matter too much during high school though. I focused on school work and wasn’t bothered by it. Once I got to uni the excuse that I was only focussing on school work over dating didn’t seem as true. A lot of other people were in relationships but I still didn’t have a crush on anyone. I started questioning my sexuality a bit more. There was a point where I thought I might be pan-as I felt like I had the same amount of attraction to anyone. Even now, I feel like I’d prefer to be in a relationship with someone based on their personality rather than any other factor. However, the label didn’t quite fit so I stopped thinking about it. The thought of dating came up a few more times but mostly I just wasn’t too interested in it. And then, last year (in my 2nd year of uni) one of my male friends had a huge crush on a girl I also knew and he talked about her heaps every time we met up. We also talked a bit about our thoughts on relationships together (we had a huge break in between classes). I think it got to the point where we both knew that I wasn’t as interested in dating and hadn’t had those types of strong feelings for anybody. Even though his probably forgotten about it, I remember this conversation really well:
Him: You don’t really like boys, do you?
Me: Not really.
Him: Do you think you ever will?
Me: I don’t know.
(And I thought he was starting to get it until … )
Him: You’ll find the right person/someone who clicks with you one day.
And, I felt like this was a big conversation but I was really disappointed by his answer. I should have known then, but the concept of asexuality was right at the back of my head: I’d only ever heard of it online or in kinda aphobic comments and jokes by friends at schoolies. I don’t think I’d even understood what aromanticism was at that point! And I definitely didn’t think that it was me!
I didn’t think about it much more until the next year. I saw that the book Loveless had come out and I borrowed it last month, intrigued by an aroace main character. I was surprised at how much I related to Georgia and how much I cried! I finished the book convinced I needed to research and learn more about both asexuality and aromanticism. The internet felt very overwhelming at the start though! Eventually, I stumbled upon the pod after listening to the Alice Oseman episode, have now listened to over 60 episodes and am part of the discord. It’s been so exciting to be able to listen, relate and laugh while learning more about this part of myself.
I’ve only recently begun identifying as aroace. I’m not as comfortable with the aromantic part yet but that’ll take time. I may have a relationship in the future but I’m still not sure what that’ll look like. This last month has been a mix of confused, sad, angry, frustrated and a bit relieved. I’m still working towards being comfortable and proud of my identity but I’m keen to connect with others and learn more about it!
(This ended up pretty long so I don’t mind if you only read out part or none of it! I found this really helpful to write down regardless! Thanks so much for the pod!! I'm really excited for the livestream, even though it’ll be 5am for me!!)
Anon: I dunno if this is my coming out story or realizing that I'm ace or aro, who really knows. But anyways I somehow came across the term asexual on the internet and then went about my day. Then eventually in late 7th grade to the start of 8th grade I was like huh, I might be that, but then school happened and I put it out of mind till about February the next year. By that time I was pretty hardcore questioning. And it took about 5 months after that to resonate with the label ace. In March ish of that year I started questioning if I was aro, which was quite frustrating to know if I was aro. At this point I am still questioning both labels but relatively confident with them. I just think of it like at this point it's ok if I'm not it's okay if I'm allo and but I will have superior education about acespec/arospec things compared to other allos. This is unrelated but I am putting it out into the world nonetheless. ( ie. You don't have to say this and can just read for your enjoyment if you get to this) This is my case for why sweet potatoes are the superior potato compared to white potatoes. First of all I am choosing the russet potato to compare against as it is to my knowledge the most common/familiar potato. The sweet potato is a beautiful hue of orange meanwhile the russet is a boring and bland off white colour. Health-wise the sweet potato wins in many categories. They have a significantly larger amount of fiber and vitamin A and C than the russet. Sweet potatoes also have twice the potassium of a banana. Sweet potatoes also have a more unique flavor with hints of sweetness and nuttyness. The russet can only be tolerated with extensive amounts of oil or toppings. Meanwhile the sweet potato is delicious with some simple cooking and no toppings.
Lotus: My name is Lotus. I’m the physical caretaker of the Renegade-X System and I’m a he/she bigender aroace person. Although I’m biologically 27, I was only created a few years ago and was created without the ability to feel romantic and sexual attraction(as a parogenic headmate). I never really thought about my sexuality until I started to live my own life. I’d be uncomfortable with touches such as hugging or cuddling or just platonic kisses without consent. I kinda thought that was normal to feel as a human but when I was with a toxic group of friends who unknowingly shamed me for feeling those ways, I guess I kinda started to realize that these feelings weren’t normal. I was SUPPOSED to want to date someone. When sex started to come into my life, I found myself immediately repulsed by it. I never tried it, not once, but just the thought of me doing it was repulsive. I did try to get into it with one of those toxic friends, but I just left before it had even started because it was just..gross, like a slimy feeling on my back. I found out with my queerplatonic partner that I was sex repulsed, after that, I found out I was aroace(thank God for my QPP explaining it because she was ace). It wasn’t exactly all good from there, though. I had to deal with those “friends'' pretending to accept me(in reality, though, they believed me and my QPP didn’t belong in the community because we were ace). Right now, though, I’m happy with where I am. I have an accepting family that is my system, I have 3 amazing QPPs, and cut those friends off until they apologize. Lemme just say this, though: Relationships don’t always have to be romantic kisses or sexual, ya know, “oral”. They can be platonic kisses or queerplatonic hugging or something. And don’t be afraid to establish boundaries. If you desire consent for specific touches, then establish that. Only the fake ones will disrespect it.
Bianca: I recently realized I'm ace. It's kinda funny because I've known about asexuality for so long. I first learned about ace and aro spectrum identities four years ago in a work training. I taught people about the split attraction model and compulsory sexuality. Yet, I never questioned my own feelings. I've had (romantic?) crushes on girls for years but I only recognized them two years ago. For most of my life, I thought there was something wrong with me that I would get "obsessed" with my (usually girl) best friends. After a lot of questioning and accepting and re-questioning, I finally understood myself as someone who "likes girls too." I didn't talk to anyone about attraction because I'm a really private person and don't like talking about this stuff. It's no secret, but I don't feel any desire to let someone into this part of me. But I knew I felt REALLY uncomfortable with the labels bisexual or pansexual. And I accepted that I just don't like labels. A while later, I started writing a romance novel which ended up being a short story about friendship. And I really explored the main character publishing a book about his aro-ace brother. In the story, the brother was too tired of explaining himself to his family and really wanted someone else to write his story for him. And I really explored how Indian culture intersects with asexuality in weird, contradictory ways. A few months ago, I read The ABC's of LGBT+ by Ash Hardell and drew my sexual/romantic/gender identities on spectrums. Even when I drew that I feel nearly zero sexual attraction, some romantic attraction to women, and minimal romantic attraction to men, I didn't even consider the possibility that I might be a-spec. A few weeks ago, I heard a TV character claim they couldn't be in love with someone because they didn't get excited by their friend's genitals. And I felt very very uncomfortable. I knew I had fallen in love with people with out feeling any attraction to their sexual organs. And I couldn't get the discomfort from this scene out of my head. I ended up finding your podcast after a lot of googling. And I couldn't stop listening. I binged one episode after another. I was so hungry for ace content. I found aceydesi and saw myself represented in ways I never expected. I read Angela Chen's book and felt so validated in my experiences with wanting the freedom to not act sexual but still feel feminist. And then I read Beyond the Black Door by A.M. Strickland. And that book’s really helped me understand myself. I knew about asexuality. I was teaching about it. I literally wrote a story about it. Some part of me knew it was very important. But I couldn't imagine that I could be ace. And Beyond the Black Door explored asexuality, romantic attraction, and gender identity in such an amazing way. I loved that the world created its own terminology for these identities, freeing from my pre-assumptions about every term and instead focusing on the concepts. I found it really validating that a (what we would call) trans character chose to go by she/her pronouns even after telling their friend they are a man because they didn't want to come out to the world. And to me, this was a shocking realization that's it's okay if I keep my asexuality and all to myself. I don't have to come out if I don't want to. It's okay if I never want to come out. As minorities in the cisallohet world, we always feel this burden to showcase ourselves and I find it freeing to see that I can choose not to ever tell anyone and that's okay too. It's a break from the coming out = happy ending narrative I saw in every LGBTQ+ story. Yesterday, I reread the short story(with the aro-ace brother) I wrote way back before realizing I was ace and seeing that I care about the same things now than I did back then. I cried so much because I felt so validated by my past self. And that I have always known this about myself even if I didn't use the language back then to understand myself. For the first time, I genuinely feel comfortable in my sexual/romantic identity and it's really really nice.
Kayah: Hello, Sarah and Kayla!! I love your podcast! This Ace Week (which will be my first), I'd like to share my story of discovering I'm aromantic and asexual, if that's alright? To begin, straight never felt right to me. Neither did gay. I identified as pan (in the closet) for a while...same attraction to everyone, right? Then, I discovered the aromantic and asexual spectrums last November/December, and I was completely shocked. Much like Georgia Warr's first response when learning about these spectrums online! I couldn't even look at it at first; I was so shocked by it. I slowly started learning more about it, and started identifying as demisexual and panromantic. As I continued learning more and more about it, I took on demiromantic as a label with demisexual...which progressed to asexual....and finally, aromantic. Aromantic and asexual. Identifying as aromantic has been one of the hardest things for me. As romantic love is branded in what most people consider "human," I had the hardest time accepting it. I felt like...part of my humanity had been taken from me. Why couldn't I just feel that sort of attraction? Why? I had so many nights were I just hated myself. I couldn't understand my lack of romantic attraction, especially as it is so interwoven into our society. Only recently have I begun to embrace it, for the most part -- I have days where I hate my aromanticism and I hate amatonormativity. I came out to my family in August, and came out to my friends on this National Coming Out Day. Your podcast and Alice Oseman have made the difference. "Loveless" has honestly helped me embrace my aromanticism so much. Actually seeing myself represented accurately in some form of media was so special to me and it meant so much. I read the whole book in 3 days. Watching Georgia discover the spectrums and go through her own struggle of coming to terms with, and eventually accepting her being aroace meant so much to me, and made me feel less alone. Okay, well, that's my story (so far)! I love you guys and Sounds Fake But Okay! <3
Maggie and their pups: The pups: We want to share how important it is to accept yourself. You are not broken. You are not abnormal. You are you. Aspec people can be in a relationship if they want one; they can have sex if they want to. There is no one way to be ace. No matter what, we will still be very happy to see you.
Maggie: I found out I was ace over 5 and a half years in my relationship. I had identified as demi for the two years prior to that. Now, I’m realizing I’m on the aro spectrum as well. I have struggled for a good chunk of my life, though. In middle and high school, I was very anti touch and didn’t show physical affection to anyone except my family and my partner. I received a lot of bullying due to it. It took four years from the first incident for me to realize I’m on the ace spectrum and that was most likely part of it. But, I have learned so much from listening to the pod for the past year and a half. When I realized I connected more to Sarah’s experiences than Kayla’s, I finally accepted that I am ace and aro-spec. Thank you, you two amazing people!
Katie: My Realization Story! To set the scene... It’s early 2017 and I’m in the Walmart parking lot in Mt Pleasant, MI with my roommates. One roommate was talking about her new boyfriend and her having sex for the first time together, and my other roommate was talking about how she’d like to have sex for the first time in general. I had just started dating someone who was waiting till marriage. I, for a while, had also thought I was waiting till marriage. I then decided that I would wait till I was ready, not wanting to put a time on it. But as I’m explaining this to my roommates, I said that I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for sex and how I can’t really imagine myself ever doing it... One roommate just simply responded with “maybe you’re asexual?” I never heard that term before so as soon as we got back to our dorm, I immediately Googled it. I found asexuality.org and as I read the definitions and descriptions, it all just clicked and made sense. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I knew that my feelings about sex were valid and there were other people like me. It took a while to accept myself, especially because my boyfriend at the time was not accepting at all (I dumped him 2 weeks after coming out to him)... Since then, I have become more and more confident in my sexuality, and although I still have some bad days where I struggle to accept myself, I am forever proud of being Ace 💜🖤
Owen: I already identified as asexual when I was twelve or thirteen, and wasn’t interested in the idea of having sex with anyone. And while some would probably say “you were too young to tell, that’s normal”, it marked me out as weird. Not being interested in sex was one of the things I got bullied for, to pretty extreme lengths. Then I stopped - around thirteen/fourteen I did develop a sex drive, and I’d always had crushes. I think I just thought asexuality was an assumption I’d outgrown – I knew the word, but nothing about all the forms it can take, and I didn’t seem to fit. Even if I was confused by, say, the idea of relating crushes to certain physical features. When I was eighteen or nineteen I started stumbling across fanfic with asexual character in romantic relationships, and found myself relating. I came across demisexuality the same way, and I wondered whether that was me – but the main story I read about a demisexual character treated sex drive as something that only came with sexual attraction to someone for them, which may well be true for some demisexuals (which, spoiler, I’m not) but isn’t definitional – I don’t think – and I knew didn’t fit me. I still didn’t really realise most people are allosexual, not just more interested than me. So I didn’t assume my asexuality made me broken the way some aces do, it just dovetailed with my other issues that made me think that way - I’m a depressed, socially awkward nerd who often seems to prefer books or numbers to people, and probably somewhere on the autism spectrum (I’m looking into possibly getting a diagnosis at the moment). Or, basically, a fairly stereotypical asexual, to the extent there is such a thing, especially for a boy. And I kept telling myself that that was what I related to about the characters who people were headcanoning as asexual, not their sexuality, where I guess someone who didn’t fit it might tell themselves they’re not enough like it to be. One day I saw something referring offhandedly to asexuals masturbating as a possibility. That really got me thinking. Then on my birthday a few weeks later a friend online made a comment on something I’d said that made clear he’d basically assumed I was aro ace and out already. I said I wasn’t, and the way he then referred to being single and not wanting to be, I suddenly realised actively wanting sex with another person is actually the norm. Not feeling that way’s not exactly how asexuality’s defined as an orientation, but I flipped from “maybe…” to “I think I am, but maybe not?”. So sometimes I joke I realised I was ace at half one in the morning on my twenty-first birthday. I also sometimes say I had a better intuitive understanding of my orientation when I was twelve than when I was twenty. It’s just it didn’t fit at all into the boxes I was aware of – and by the time I could have explained most of it, I’d confused myself so much trying to fit it into those boxes that it wasn’t so obvious anymore. It took me a while to work out I was bi too, because my aesthetic and romantic attraction are quite different both between genders and from each other, but I am, it turns out, bi for both. Once I started thinking I was probably ace, I started specifically diving into resources, realising how much even stuff that hadn’t occurred to me fit. That gave me more confidence. I also started specifically searching out fanfic (and published fiction, but there’s a lot less of that!) involving asexuality. Suddenly I knew what to search for to find characters I related to in that respect, and the fact I did relate to them also added to my confidence and certainty in myself. I think that feeling is something that puts the lie to the idea ace or aro (and even more often other aspec!) people just want to be special – to someone else, we might be marking ourselves off as different when we label, but when you’ve known you are somehow a long time, your joy is at figuring out how you fit into the kaleidoscope of difference, and knowing what to look for and who to talk to for similar experiences. I got a black ring a few weeks in, and Mum noticed I was wearing it early on, and asked why, but I was too anxious to say. A few months later, I told my parents and they were accepting (although when I decided to also clarify I wasn’t aromantic, they briefly assumed I was talking about being nonbinary, in the reverse experience from what some trans friends of mine have had). So have most people, although when it came up in a conversation about the likelihood of me having children, one family member responded by laughing and saying “I think you’re depressed”. Which, as above, I am. My depression if anything tends to correlate with when I’m less confident in my asexuality, though. I still haven’t ever mentioned it to any of my therapists, however, in part because I’m afraid of them lumping it in with my other issues. Sex has never come up anyway, so maybe that’s me being overcautious, as I was with my parents, but I really don’t want that to go negatively, and that seems bigger than it definitely not going positively if I don’t bring it up. So I guess that’s the main issue I still have with my asexuality.
Coming out stories
Mattie: I have a very odd coming out story because I don't have any recollection of being anything other than ace. I didn't have any grand revelations I just started using the asexual label without really announcing it. One of the first times I remember really talking about asexuality was when I was about 15 or 16 and I was sitting with one of my friends after school and talking to her about how I didn't understand the appeal of sex beyond reproduction and I think that was after I started IDing as ace. But I'm super lucky that it has never been a big deal in any of my friendships or family relationships.
Blake (she/they/he): I'm a young ace (14 years old) and something I want adult aces (and really all a-specs) to know is how in my experience asexuality is unambiguously accepted by people my age. I came out as ace for the first time a year and a half ago, and then as aro about a month after. I'm now out to the majority of my friend group as aroace, and am slowly working up the courage to tell them I'm genderfluid. I was so nervous to come out, but it turned out to not even be much of an issue. I'm still shocked about how to this day almost every single person I've come out to as ace or aro has already known what it was. I've had to explain what ace meant only once, and also what aro meant only once. Besides the fact that the first person I came out to as aro had a crush on me (oof), my coming out experience has been pretty much perfect. I've also been shocked by how many people I know who are also a-spec. Turns out a very close friend of mine I've known since I was 9 is also ace, and I also personally know at least 2 other ace-specs, a questioning ace, and 2 aro-specs who all go to my school. Also last year the sign for my middle school's GSA club had the ace flag included on it right next to the gay, bi, pan, trans, and nonbinary flags, which made me incredibly happy. Of course do take into account that I live in a fairly progressive US state and also almost everyone I've come out to is also queer, (just bc the majority of my friends happen to be queer), so is more likely to know about other queer identities, but even then I just think in general younger people are just more accepting than adults. I guess I just want people to know that even though it feels like we're barely making progress on ace visibility sometimes, it IS working. Ace activism makes an impact, I know because I can feel it. I can see the difference between the stories people older than me have about when they try to talk about asexuality and my experiences. More people then ever now know what asexuality is, and more kids then ever are going to grow up knowing that not everybody feels attraction. More and more a-specs are going to find the label that fits them earlier in life, and know that there are other people like them, and there will be less and less a-spec kids who are made to feel like they're broken. We ARE making an impact. We ARE making progress. However slow it may seem.
Katie: I was in the car with a couple of my friends, and we passed this guy who waved at us, and also happened to have a Trump sign in his yard. Friend 1 suggested to friend 2 that they yell "I'm gay" out the window, but they were on the wrong side of the car. Then the same friend suggested that I yell it. Friend 2 says "She's not gay though... if anything she's ace." Then my mind kind of exploded with anxiety and before I could talk myself out of I I said "I am, yeah." Which is totally not how I meant to do that, but oh well, I guess.
Thunder: For a long time, I told myself that I could never “come out” or talk to people about being ace, due to a laundry list of the usual reasons (internalized aphobia, seeing asexuality is not “queer enough” to deserve a coming out, friends who said aphobic shit, etc). When I moved up for grad school, I was so exhausted and tired from thinking about it and feeling so, so isolated about it, that I decided “fuck it.” Let’s talk about this. My first few attempts were awkward tipsy, late night, non-committal musings about my sexuality with friends after a night out, or sitting in the corner at someone’s Halloween party. A few months later, asexuality came up in one of my classes. A classmate gave the standard “I just don’t get how that can be a real thing” response, and prompted a class-wide discussion. I, rather uncomfortably, remained silent. A couple of weeks pass, and now I’m in the car with a friend of mine as she’s driving me from campus to the train stop. That classroom discussion came up. Just as we were pulling up to the station, I told her: “So, actually, I’m kinda ace. Asexual. Yeah.” And then just YEETED myself out of the car: “Okay cool. ~Bye~” It was painfully awkward, but it was the first time I’d properly, definitively acknowledged it, out loud, to another person I actually cared about. It took two months for it to come up again between us, but when it did, we just launched into discussion. Regardless of all the questions, she was very kind and interested in better understanding, and it felt so relieving to finally talk about it. Though, we still joke about how I basically dropped an info bomb and then ran away to the train, haha! Four months later, I gave a Ted Talk style presentation to my entire cohort and faculty about asexuality, and now I’m seriously thinking about how I can integrate ace education and awareness into my career. I’m sure there will still be many coming-outs in my life, but, at least for me anyway, actually being able to have that initial hesitant, awkward acknowledgement has gone such a long way toward helping me feel okay with this as a part of who I am. And I suppose, if anyone’s going to take something away from this, it’s that it’s so, so okay if your first attempts to come out are a little awkward, or extremely anxiety inducing. You don’t have to be ready to tell the whole world (or even just your whole grad program in my case) for you to still deserve the opportunity for vulnerability and allowing yourself to be a little more seen.
Drew: My coming out story might not be perfect, but I want to share it to show that not everyones has to be. I grew up in a hyper Christian household where even merely joking about anything to do with the LGBTQ+ community would be met with severe backlash. Last year I realized I was asexual, or rather I realized there was a word for what I was. I had always known that sex didn't interest me spare a few people I was extremely close with. With national coming out day having recently passed I came out to my parents as a genderfluid Demisexual lesbian, needless to say that it didn't go over well with them that I wasn't a straight christian. I found asexual support groups, and I made some amazing friends in the community because I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and that I wasn't broken like people said. Even if your family doesn't accept you that doesn't mean you aren't valid and there are plenty of people who would absolutely love you with all of their heart.
etc
Purple Chickadee: Sexuality at First Web Search
a poem by Purple Chickadee
All of my life I have never felt sexual attraction
To any person, regardless of gender or our interaction.
I always felt as if I was the only one who felt this way.
I thought my only options were straight, bi, pan, or gay.
I felt alone, but not lonely, I was fine by myself.
I did not need anyone else, just my bookshelf.
One day I was researching online to see
If there was a word for what was wrong with me.
Then I discovered a word, and it just fit.
Like it had been made for me, and that was it.
There was nothing wrong with who I was.
Other people felt the same, and I did not have to change, because
I found my place.
I found my space,
Here in this community.
It was plain to see.
The word I found that day was asexuality.
Anon: This is an excerpt from journal entry I wrote while I was a sophomore in college. I was reflecting my first date with a girl from my Spanish class. At this point I had almost zero experience in romantic relationships, and I hadn't even heard of the term "asexuality" yet.
"I feel like I should’ve kissed her or something. Like I should’ve done something to express affection beyond hugging. But I just can’t wrap my head around that. I just can’t imagine being that close to another person. Even the notion of holding her hand is downright frightening to me. ... Kissing is another level. That’s like… that’s like… serious stuff. Close, intimate stuff. That’s something [that only people other than me] get to do. Right? Of course not! But I’m still so conflicted about that! Why do I feel such a mental block around that?"
...Looking back on this journal entry, it makes a lot more sense now that I know I'm aspec!
Sam Menigoz: So I'm studying aerospace engineering at uc davis and we usually shorten it to aero when we talk about classes and stuff. But basically the horrible joke between me and my friends is that I'm aero ace :)
Jynjer: Just wanted to share some fun ace experiences I've had. For starters, I found my childhood diary which has a total of 24 entries spanning 10 years. my favourite quote is when 13 year old me wrote "I dont know who I like. So I've decided that for now, I'll just have friends. No boyfriends. No crushes. No kisses. No romance. But just until I can understand, or at least control, my feelings." Tiny aroace Jynj didn't know you could like more than one person at once, nor did they know that allos cannot choose to not have crushes. Needless to say, I never found anyone romantically interesting after that. My biggest affirmation for my aroace-ness for me was when I had been been hanging w this guy but now we were alone and I knew he wanted to kiss me, so in my mind I was like... "I could finally have my first kiss rn if I wanted to" then he complimented me and I said "thanks! K bye!" He was so confused and I felt so EMPOWERED and that was when I knew for sure. More recently I had a fun experience because my aunt, who knows I'm aroace but does not know I'm agender, conflated gender and sexuality saying "these twins, a boy and girl, but the boy is gay and the girl is lesbian so the boy was supposed to be a girl and the girl was supposed to be a boy" and I did not have the energy to educate her but I just thought it was hilarious because if that's her logic then she should already know I'm agender. That is all the stories I have. Idk if this is weird but if I may plug something real quick I am currently seeking a platonic wife (all genders can apply and the title is up for negotiation) I make great vegan baked goods, have 2 cats and a bunny, and I'm Canadian so a greencard is on the table. @jynjergo on Twitter or insta.
Boni: I'm a baby ace and I cannot express enough how happy I am because I found a label that makes me feel like a complete person. I questioned my sexuality and orientation a lot and wandered through many labels because I couldn't even tell to which gender I am attracted to. Turns out I am aroace and that is why the labels descriptions made me feel as if I didn't fit in them. I don't feel the "typical/stantard" attraction to anyone and now I'm happy to recognize that I'm aromantic-asexual and I'm very proud about it. Happy Ace Week! ♠💜
Helen: While aspec experience is sometimes framed as a lack of sexual or romantic attraction I found that the real absence was not knowing something about my identity. Once I figured it out it was like a piece I had previously lacked click locking into place. No it didn't magically make my life easier or better. But more of life made sense.
Anon: I am ace. And I just want to share something weird. I've been ashamed of this for a long time and was to share in case anyone else is going through the same thing.
I watched a lot of porn as a middle and high schooler. I never enjoyed it in a sexual sense. But I wanted to learn about sex. I didn't get it. I didn't get why people wanted to do it. And more so, I didn't get why adults were telling me I have to fight to urge to do it. So, I would watch porn trying to understand and see what was appealing about it. I found myself intrigued in the build ups and backstories. But I always forwarded through the sex scenes. I hated seeing genitals. It was this weird addiction to wanting to understand.
Hopefully, this helps someone else feel they aren't alone.
Anon: Trying to distinguish romantic and platonic attraction is so confusing. I was in love with my high school best friend. I never told her. I never even realized I liked girls back then. And it's so weird to think back because I know how homophobic she was. And I know how homophobic I was. And I remember us as best friends. But I also remember us as girlfriends because our relationship was all I ever want in a romantic relationship. And it's so confusing looking back because we never talked about what we were to each other. But it was more than what I think of as a friend. And it was not sexual or romantic. But she was my world and we did everything couples did besides kissing (and more). And even though it's been 6 years since we've talked, I'm so confused when I look back at our relationship (whatever it was).
Anon: When I first realized I was ace, I was super excited. I wanted to learn all there was about asexuality and aromantism and was so excited to tell my friends. But the more I looked into the ace community, the more scared I got. I couldn't comprehend that aphobia is a thing. I didn't get why anyone would be upset that I didn't feel sexual attraction when everyone always taught us to abstain my whole life. And the ace community felt more and more unwelcoming because most stories and memes I found were about how the allos don't get us and how mean people are. And now I'm scared to tell my friends I'm ace even though I know they would accept me. I am starting to feel confident in myself after finding your podcast and @aceydesi. But in general I find myself avoiding the ace community because it feels really toxic in this way.
Anon: I just wanted to tell y’all about how aesthetic attraction can be much more than what is usually described. When I was first discovering my sexuality, I was very confused because I was very much attracted to girls, but not in a sexual or romantic way. It is much more than anything I’ll ever feel from a painting, and it’s only directed at females. I later learned that this can all fall under aesthetic attraction, and that the “potential crush events” I had were actually aesthetic crushes. Have a great day!
Barefoot Backpacker: Hi, I'm Ian, otherwise known as The Barefoot Backpacker, and I'm 45 years old, which is … somewhat older than the average person who identifies as asexual.
“Well I won't know for sure unless...” is a phrase I've used many times before in my life. Now, this may well be a very strong case of Too Much Information, but that's pretty much the primary reason I ended my virginity. I won't say 'lost'; I know exactly when and where and why it happened – in the bedroom of the house I was renting as a post-student, to a lady who'd been dropping strong hints for the previous 8 months. I was 20 and a half years old, and it was something I'd always been avoiding, because I didn't think it was going to be something I'd enjoy, or be any good at, but I figured I ought to try to just in case I was wrong.
Listeners: I was not wrong.
When I was 17 I kept a diary, as most teenagers did. And, still conforming, I wrote down details of all the crushes I had on people I liked. Despite going to an all-boys school, most of my friends at the time were girls – I had quite a lot of penpals and I enjoyed the connection I had with them, that feeling of being close, yet also at a safe distance. They often used me to ask questions of 'why are boys?', assuming that I'd be able to answer, yet even then I knew I wasn't quite the same as the ones they were snogging. Though some of them I did develop little weird crushes on, when I wrote about them in my diary, it's clear in hindsight that I tended towards the asexual spectrum. "I wish I was holding her hand", "I want to hug her", but also "I don't ever imagine having sex though".
I guess I should have realised then. But back in the 90s the word 'asexual' didn't really exist, or at least it wasn't common knowledge, and in any case because it wasn't something that really bothered me, I never really thought about it; it just wasn't important.
Yet it was always something lurking in the background of my relationships, and meant that none of them every really developed much beyond the 'honeymoon' stage. Note that I have been engaged three times, though the latter two were more hope beyond expectation than anything truly life-affirming; note also that both of them I'm still friends with. Indeed I'm friends with most of my exes, and maybe for this reason; my dismissal of sex as being 'relatively unimportant' means that there ends up being very little difference between friends and relationships, so most of the latter come from and quickly return to the former.
Although it was there, latent, it wasn't until I read an article in the Guardian newspaper in about 2011 or 2012 that I first came across the word 'asexual', and it resonated with me; the more I thought about it the more I was comfortable taking the word on as my own. It just made so much sense, that there was a word that I could finally use that described me in enough detail to be meaningful.
That's my discovery, but what about the others? Where are all the other older asexuals?
See, it’s likely we just do what gay men did previously. We hide in plain sight. We mouth the words, go through the motions of a ‘normal’ life, despite not being happy in ourselves, despite knowing it felt wrong but feel we’re not able to do anything about it. How many loveless marriages were entered into? How many people married just for the show, not for the love or connection? Remember of course asexuals can have sex, some of them even enjoy it, but by not experiencing sexual attraction, they would have felt stuck in a heterosexual dystopia and not free to express their own identity.
Amongst the older generation, especially those who’ve been in long-term marriages, having now been introduced to the word ‘asexuality’, there’s a little confusion over what it means, over how you know that you’re asexual, rather than just, well, comfortably indifferent to sex. Think of being married for 20 years – many people no longer having the urge. But remember that’s not what asexuality is; it’s not about how much sex you have, but how much sexual attraction you experience. And yes, if you’ve been married 20 years and have sex once a week, you could be asexual, but it’s more likely that you still have sexual attraction to your partner, you just don’t have the urge to act on it as frequently. You’d rather eat cake because it’s just easier than having sex, not because you don’t have the attraction to have sex.
So, what can we do? Do we encourage more of Generation-X (and maybe even Boomers) to ‘come out’ as asexual? Will it make a difference?
One might argue it’s not “as important” to ‘come out’; by the time you reach your 30s even, your life has veered down a particular path and maybe people think it ‘too late’ to change course, that ‘ah, if I were younger I’d have known but what’s the point now’, or ‘I’ve got this far, I can cope’, or ‘what will my [descendants] family think if I changed now’. Is it even relevant to me; I’ve been in a relationship for x years.
There’s also the thought society has ‘conditioned’ us into our heteronormativity, so maybe don’t feel we belong, that we’re kind of ‘appropriating’ asexual culture and ideals for our own benefit. Maybe too we might ourselves believe we’re simply going through a mid-life crisis, in the same way youngsters are ‘experimenting’ just after puberty. Previous generations bought motorbikes, discovered their author credentials, and took up crochet; if we started saying ‘it’s okay to be asexual’, would we start to see an increase of numbers in people getting divorced and deciding to, I don’t know, take up ultra-running or spoon-whittling in the forest?
Because fewer of us have ‘come out’, there’s fewer role models to see. If all the little asexual representation there is, is at the younger end of the age spectrum, will anyone believe us (because ‘people our age don’t do that’). In a way it’s like a ‘Chicken and Egg’ scenario – without the representation, we’re not going to ‘come out’, but if we don’t ‘come out’, there’ll be no representation. This also means by ‘coming out’ it’s much harder to ‘relate’, so there’s no ‘reference point’ – what does ‘coming out’ mean in the context of an older asexual; how do we explain it without a 30 minute TED talk each time, especially to our peers who’ve been brought up in the same environments.
We also don't have the support networks younger people have - the representation and communities are on places like Discord, Tumblr, YouTube, whereas people my age are most likely to hang out on Facebook and Twitter.
There are, of course, benefits of ‘coming out’: the feeling of being ‘free at last’ to be yourself. The realisation of why previous relationships haven’t worked out. Self-awareness – realisation of why you act the way you do. And just maybe, if there is a community, you’ll fit in, regardless of age. And the more people like you there are, the bigger the community and the bigger the spirit. In my experience, the communities I’ve found haven’t had a problem with my age, even if some of them are made up with people some 30 years younger than me. I don’t know how I’d have felt at the age of 15 if someone 30 years older than me was in my social group, but in a way it’s kind of useful; they appreciate my experience and their discoveries, their activism, help me with mine.